Pearls Before Swine | Search

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT OUR NEW NEIGHBOR WHO'S TRYING TO INCREASE GLOBAL WARMING?
INCREASE IT? THAT WOULD MEAN THAT EVERY LIVING CREATURE ON LAND WOULD SOON FIND HIMSELF ADRIFT IN A RISING OCEAN.
Tee hee hee
THAT DOESN'T FAZE HIM.

HELLO. I'M CARBONO THE SHARK. I'M RAISING MONEY FOR GLOBAL WARMING.
YOU MEAN YOU'RE TRYING TO STOP GLOBAL WARMING.
'CAUSE IF IT WERE TO CONTINUE, THE OCEANS WOULD RISE AND WE'D ALL BE FLOUNDERING IN THE WATER.
WE NEED TO STOP GLOBAL WARMING.

OKAY, LITTLE WILLY, I'M HAPPY TO TAKE YOU TO THE FAIR, BUT THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE HERE, AND WE NEED A PLAN IN CASE WE GET SEPARATED.
NOW WHEN I WAS LITTLE AND MY MOM TOOK ME TO THE FAIR, SHE ALWAYS CARRIED A BRIGHT YELLOW BALLOON SO I COULD SEE HER ABOVE THE CROWD.
AND SHE WORE A BRIGHT RED SHIRT LIKE THIS, SO I COULD SEE HER EASIER.
BUT IF WE DO STILL GET SEPARATED, WE NEED A PLAN.
SO DO YOU SEE THAT BLUE TENT OVER THERE? THAT'S THE INFORMATION WINDOW.
IF ANYTHING HAPPENS, YOU RUN OVER THERE AND WAIT.
THEN THEY'LL NOTICE THAT YOU'RE GONE AND KNOW IMMEDIATELY WHERE TO FIND YOU.
DOES ALL THAT MAKE SENSE?
OR I COULD JUST CALL YOU.
TIMES HAVE CHANGED.

HEY. I HEAR YOU WENT TO PARIS. HOW WAS IT?
OH, LOVELY! I WENT TO A BOULANGERIE, WHICH IS A PLACE THAT MAKES BREAD, AND A PÂTISSERIE, WHICH IS A PLACE THAT MAKES PASTRIES.
HOW WONDERFUL... AND DID YOU GO TO A WHOOLIESAGA*#&ERIE ?
AND WHAT IS THAT?
NEVER MIND.
NOW SHOW ME 800 VACATION PHOTOS. BECAUSE FRIENDS LOVE THAT.

HEY, GUYS, THIS IS IT. THE END OF OUR LEMMING LIVES… READY TO JUMP?
WHOA WHOA WHOA… BOB THERE OWES ME FIFTY BUCKS.
YEAH, THAT’S TRUE. LET ME GET OUT MY CHECKBOOK AND —
SEE YOU IN HELL, SUCKERRRRRRR…
IT’S SO HARD TO COLLECT FROM A LEMMING.

THAT POLAR BEARS FINALLY GONE, MORTY. TURNS OUT POLAR BEARS DON'T LIVE IN THE SOUTH POLE AFTER ALL.
SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN...?
IT MEANS WE'RE IN THE CLEAR, MORTY. NO MORE PREDATORS. NO MORE LIVING IN FEAR.
WOW, SAUL! THIS CALLS FOR A TOAST. WHAT SHOULD WE TOAST TO?
TO FAT, FLIGHTLESS BIRDS.

WELL, FELLAS, IT'S TIME TO JUMP AND END OUR LITTLE LEMMING LIVES.
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN, BOB. I JUST GOT THIS DENTAL REMINDER CARD SAYING I'M DUE FOR MY NEXT CLEANING.
YOU'RE GONNA BE DEAD IN A MINUTE, STAN. WHAT DOES IT MATTER HOW CLEAN YOUR TEETH ARE?
I GUESS THAT'S TRUE.
IN YOUR FACE, DENTIST!
THERE ARE ADVANTAGES TO THIS LIFESTYLE.

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
I'VE BEEN FEELING A LITTLE DOWN LATELY.
HERE ARE 50 DIFFERENT DRUGS. TRY THEM ALL.
THIS SEEMS UNWISE.
HEY! MY PHARMACEUTICAL REP PAYS FOR SOME VERY NICE CONFERENCES.

HAVE YOU HEARD I'M A MEDICAL DOCTOR NOW!
OH, YEAH? I HEAR A LOT OF DOCTORS ARE CLOSING DOWN THEIR PRACTICES THESE DAYS BECAUSE THEY'RE TIRED OF DEALING WITH HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANIES.
NOT ME. I HAVE STAFF THAT TAKES CARE OF ALL THAT. AND THEY'RE PRETTY EFFECTIVE.
WHAT MAKES THEM EFFECTIVE?
PAY FOR THE PROCEDURE.
OKAY.

Elly Elephant went to bed with her teddy bear for the 11,000th straight night
I want to be held by a living being she cried.
So Elly Elephant ventured into the world.
Searching for two arms to protect her.
For two hands to caress her.
For two lips to kiss her.
For two eyes to get lost in.
Elly Elephant got a slap on the @#%$.
Elly Elephant learned to be happy with her teddy bear.

I'M THINKING ABOUT WRITING A BOOK ABOUT A METH DEALER WHO BATTLES AN ALCOHOLIC EX-COP FOR CONTROL OF NEW YORK'S UNDERWORLD, BUT I FEAR IT WOULDN'T GET PUBLISHED.
SOUNDS INTERESTING. WHY WOULDN'T IT GET PUBLISHED?
IT'S A CHILDREN'S BOOK.
PLEASE SIT SOMEWHERE ELSE.
COULD MAKE A NICE POP-UP BOOK.

SO, JEF THE CYCLIST, NOW THAT YOU'RE WEARING A CAPE, DOES THAT MAKE YOU A SUPERHERO?
I'M AFRAID NOT, GOAT. FOR WHILE WE BOTH MAY WEAR SPANDEX, THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CYCLIST AND A SUPERHERO.
HOW SO?
ONE OF US HAS SPECIAL POWERS AND CAN SAVE THE WORLD. THE OTHER'S JUST A SUPERHERO.
YOU SHOULD LEAP OFF A TALL BUILDING, JEF.
HUSH, MORTAL.

JEF THE CYCLIST HAS DECIDED THAT WEARING A TIGHT SPANDEX SUIT IS NO LONGER GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE ADDING A CAPE MAKES ME A SUPERHERO.
THOUGH ADMITTEDLY, THAT'S A STEP BELOW CYCLIST.
FLY AWAY NOW, JEF.

NOW DOCTOR, IF I HAVE A PROBLEM WHILE I'M AT HOME OVER THE WEEKEND, WILL YOU MAKE A HOUSE CALL?
OF COURSE.
YOU WILL?
YES, I'LL CALL YOUR HOUSE AND TELL YOU NEVER TO BOTHER ME ON THE WEEKEND AGAIN.
I GUESS THAT'S SORT OF A HOUSE CALL.
I'M PRETTY PATIENT-FRIENDLY THAT WAY.

WHERE'S STEPHAN TODAY?
HE'S BEEN REAL DEPRESSED SINCE HIS WIFE STACI LEFT HIM, SO HE DECIDED TO SEE A DOCTOR.
I THOUGHT HE DIDN'T TRUST DOCTORS.
HE DOESN'T, SO HE'S GONNA TRY THAT NEW DOCTOR'S OFFICE NEAR HIS HOUSE AND HOPE HE FINDS A GOOD ONE.
FIRST I'LL NEED TO CHECK YOUR REFLEXES.
NURSE!

RAT BECOMES A MEDICAL DOCTOR
WELL, MR. JOHNSON, I'M AFRAID WHAT YOU HAVE MIGHT BE FATAL, BUT I'LL HAVE TO RUN SOME TESTS TO BE SURE.
OH MY GOODNESS. WHAT KIND OF TESTS?
BAD NEWS.

DID YOU HEAR THE STATE PASSED A LAW THAT ALLOWS POLICE TO STOP POTENTIAL ILLEGAL ALIENS?
WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?
BECAUSE THEY WANT TO KICK THEM OUT OF THE COUNTRY.
BUT HOW DO THEY KNOW WHO'S AN ILLEGAL ALIEN AND WHO'S NOT?
I GUESS THEY'LL LOOK FOR GUYS WHOSE SKIN IS A DIFFERENT COLOR THAN OURS AND THOSE WHO TALK A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT.
But me ees, like, ceetzen!!
I ALWAYS WAS SUSPICIOUS OF THOSE GUYS.

HAVE YOU SEEN PIG THIS MORNING?
HE'S ON THE COUNTER DOING HIS MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL.
HE'S WHAT???
"CONGRESS SHALL MAKE NO LAW ABRIDGING THE FREEDOM OF SPEECH, OR OF THE PRESS!"
HE'S VERY PATRIOTIC.
I NEED A NEW DINER.
PLEASE DON'T INTERRUPT MY MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL.

DOCTOR, I HAVE A SHARP PAIN IN MY SIDE AND I COULD REALLY USE YOUR PROFESSIONAL OPINION AS TO WHAT IT MIGHT BE.
HMMM... SOUNDS LIKE YOUR EPIBLITTA-POTAMUS.
WHAT'S THAT?
A WORD I FOUND IN A DR. SEUSS BOOK.
MY FAITH IN YOU IS DIMINISHING.
PLEASE DON’T RIP ON MY FELLOW DOCTORS.

RAT BECOMES A MEDICAL DOCTOR
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I'M A DOCTOR NOW.
YOU HAVE NO QUALIFICATIONS TO BE A DOCTOR.
BAHH. THAT'S OVERRATED. ANYONE CAN BE A DOCTOR.
OKAY. ACT LIKE A DOCTOR.
FINE. WAIT IN THIS ROOM FOR ME FOR TWENTY MINUTES. AT THE END OF WHICH, I'LL SHOW UP AND HAVE NO TIME FOR YOUR QUESTIONS, BECAUSE I THINK YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
DID I MENTION HOW SUPERIOR I AM?

MR. GOAT, THE DOCTOR WILL SEE YOU FOR YOUR CHECKUP NOW.
TERRIFIC. SOUNDS LIKE DR. FOSTER IS RUNNING EARLY TODAY.
OH, I'M SORRY... DR. FOSTER RETIRED. BUT DON'T WORRY. WE HAVE A NEW DOCTOR WITH EXCELLENT CREDENTIALS.
THERE MAY HAVE BEEN SOME RÉSUMÉ PADDING.

WELL, RAT, I'M
OFF TO SEE MY
FAMILY FOR A
FEW DAYS. WHAT
ARE YOU GONNA
DO?
GONNA WATCH THE FIRST
EPISODE OF "BREAKING
BAD", SEE WHAT THE BIG
DEAL IS. THEN I HAVE
A BUNCH OF ERRANDS
I HAVE TO RUN.
HAVE
YOU
MOVED?
STUPID
BINGE
VIEWING.

WHAT ARE YOU EATING, GOAT?
IT'S A FALAFEL TUCKED INSIDE ANIMAL ORGANS, ALL SERVED ON A WAFFLE. IT'S CHEF PHIL'S LATEST DISH.
WELL, GOAT, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
PHIL, AWFUL FALAFEL OFFAL WAFFLE.
YOUR JOKES ARE WORSE THAN THAT DISH.

LISTEN... I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME TONIGHT.
BUT I'M NOT SURE WE'RE A GOOD FIT.
WHAT'S WRONG?
WELL, I DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, BUT YOU'RE KIND OF A WORRIER... AND PHYSICALLY, YOU'RE NOT MY TYPE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?
WELL, NO OFFENSE, BUT YOU'RE A LITTLE OUT OF SHAPE, AND YOUR HAIR'S A BIT STRINGY.
IS THAT SO? ANYTHING ELSE YOU'D LIKE TO ADD?
YOU HAVE NO NOSE.
PLEASE DON'T DRAW ON MY FACE.
BUT IT LOOKS SOOO MUCH BETTER.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI. WE'RE THE VIGILANTE DEER. AND WE'RE TIRED OF BEING SHOT BY HUNTERS LIKE YOU. SO WE WERE THINKING, MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU FIND US IN THE WOODS, YOU CAN FORGO THE USUAL GUN AND MAYBE JUST THROW THIS "NERF" BALL AT US.
WE'LL TAKE THAT AS A COUNTERPROPOSAL.