Pearls Before Swine | Search

THE AVERAGE LIFE EXPECTANCY FOR AN AMERICAN MALE IS 77 YEARS. BUT THE AVERAGE FOR A JAPANESE MALE IS 94 YEARS.
SO?
SO I'M GONNA EAT POORLY, PARTY, AND SMOKE TIL I'M ONE DAY SHORT OF 77.
THEN FLEE TO JAPAN FOR SEVEN MORE BONUS YEARS!
I'M NOT SURE THAT'S HOW THAT WORKS.
IT'S LIKE I'VE FIGURED OUT EVERYTHING.

SEMINAR FOR THOSE WHO HAVE TROUBLE GETTING ALONG WITH OTHERS
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY EVERYTHING THAT POPS INTO YOUR HEAD.
MY LIFE JUST GOT SO MUCH EASIER.

EVERYONE'S SO PESSIMISTIC ABOUT THE FUTURE, BUT THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS TO GIVE US HOPE.
LIKE WHAT?
PEOPLE BECOMING MORE AWARE OF THE NEED TO PROTECT THE ENVIRONMENT.
AND PEOPLE MAKING BETTER CHOICES ABOUT THEIR DIET AND PHYSICAL ACTIVITY.
AND PEOPLE GETTING INVOLVED POLITICALLY AND ORGANIZING TO PROMOTE CHANGE.
AND MOST OF ALL, PEOPLE JUST TRYING TO EDUCATE THEMSELVES TO BE MORE KNOWLEDGEABLE ABOUT THE WORLD AROUND THEM.
THAT'S WHAT GIVES ME HOPE.
AT MY GROCERY STORE, THEY HAVE TO LOCK UP THE LAUNDRY DETERGENT PODS TO PREVENT PEOPLE FROM EATING THEM.
YOU'RE KILLING THE VIBE.
STUPIDITY ALWAYS WINS!

PIG! HOW YOU BEEN?
GOOD... LONG TIME NO SEE.
YEAH... DON'T BE SUCH A STRANGER.
TAKE CARE, PHIL.
PHILLIP'S HEAD SCREWDRIVER.

DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE COFFEE-MATE IS MISNAMED?
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
WELL, 'COFFEE' IS IN THE NAME, BUT IT'S NOT COFFEE THEY'RE SELLING. IT'S CREAM.
SO WHAT SHOULD IT HAVE BEEN CALLED?
'CREAM MATE.'
I'LL GIVE YOU SOME TIME TO THINK ABOUT THAT.
YOU REALLY BURN ME UP WITH YOUR ATTITUDE.

HEY, SIRI.
I'M LOST AND NEED
DIRECTIONS HOME.
TAKE NAPA STREET TO SECOND STREET AND MAKE A LEFT.
HEY, SIRI...
I'M LOST IN LIFE AND
NEED A DIRECTION.
YOU'RE REALLY ABUSING
THE TECHNOLOGY.
WORTH A TRY.

WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING, PIG?
I LIKE TO GO TO THE LAKE AND SIT UNDER THAT BIG SMILING WILLOW.
THEY'RE CALLED WEEPING WILLOWS.
THIS ONE'S HAD A LOT OF THERAPY.

HEY, RAT, JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT I'M READING A GREAT BOOK. I CAN'T PUT IT DOWN.
IN FACT, ALL I WANT TO DO IS SIT HERE WITH MY TEA AND READ, READ, READ.
SO DON'T TRY TO REACH ME THIS WEEK. I JUST WANT TO HANG OUT WITH MY BOOK.
BOOK-LOVERS ARE AN ODD LOT.

MY DOCTOR SAYS I HAVE TO GET MY GALLBLADDER REMOVED, BUT IT'S REALLY EXPENSIVE AND I DON'T HAVE INSURANCE.
YEAH, WELL, WHAT CHOICE DO YOU HAVE?
CHATGPT... HOW DO I REMOVE MY GALLBLADDER?
THIS MIGHT NOT END WELL.
CHATGPT... WOULD A STEAK KNIFE WORK?

BOB, HERE WE ARE AT THE MACY’S DAY PARADE ENJOYING THE CELEBRATION AND THE BIG BALLOONS.
IN FACT, HERE COMES A NEW BALLOON. IT’S A PIG FROM THE COMIC “PEARLS BEFORE SWINE”.
MY GOODNESS. IT’S A LARGE ONE.
IS IT THE LARGEST ONE YOU'VE SEEN?
SURE IS, BOB.
MATTER OF FACT, I DON’T THINK THEY CAN GET IT THROUGH THE BUILDINGS... WHOA! IT’S STUCK, BOB! IT’S JUST TOO BIG! BIG!
OH GAWD! NOW’S IT’S SINKING TO THE GROUND AND SMOTHERING PEOPLE WITH ITS SHEER GIRTH!
I CALL IT, “HOW I FEEL THE DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING WEEKEND.”
OH, THE HUMANITY.

HI. I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM, BUT THE DOOR IS LOCKED.
THAT'S BECAUSE SOMEONE IS IN THERE.
I SEE. THEN I'LL JUST BEAT DOWN THE DOOR.
SOMETIMES YOU JUST CAN'T WAIT.

GEE, RAT, YOU TAKE A LOT OF SUPPLEMENTS EVERY DAY. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ALL DO FOR YOU?
YES.
PROVIDE ME WITH THE ILLUSION THAT I WON'T DIE AS FAST AS EVERYONE ELSE.
WE DIE WHEN WE DIE.
BUT YOU DO IT QUICKER.

CAN THE CHARACTERS IN 'BABY BLUES' WALK AROUND NUDE?
OF COURSE NOT.
'ZIT'S'? 'BLONDIE'? 'LUANN'?
NO. NOPE. NO WAY.
AND YET HERE WE ARE - NUDE AND UNFILTERED!
YOU'VE LOST YOUR PRIVILEGES.
THIS FEELS UNNECESSARY.
HEY, MY BOX IS BIGGER THAN YOUR BOX.

HEY, RAT, HAVE YOU DONE A WILL OR ANY ESTATE PLANNING FOR WHEN YOU DIE?
WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
TO ALLOCATE WHERE YOU WANT ALL YOUR STUFF TO GO AND HOW YOU WANT THOSE YOU LEAVE BEHIND TO BE PROVIDED FOR.
UNNECESSARY.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE ALL OF LIFE STOPS WHEN I DIE.
LIFE GOES ON WHEN YOU DIE.
SPEAK FOR YOURSELF.

HEY, DID YOU GET THAT JOB YOU INTERVIEWED FOR?
YEAH, IT COMES WITH A STAFF.
YOU GOT AN ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION THAT COMES WITH A STAFF?
I DID.
NOT WHAT THAT USUALLY MEANS.
DON'T MAKE ME HIT YOU WITH MY STAFF.

HEY, WISE ASS, YOU SIT IN THE EXACT SAME PLACE EVERY DAY... WHY DON'T YOU VARY THINGS UP A BIT?
EVERY MORNING YOU EAT THE EXACT SAME BREAKFAST... A BAGEL WITH PEANUT BUTTER, A BANANA, WALNUTS, BLUEBERRIES, ORANGE JUICE, AND DECAF COFFEE... WHY DON'T YOU VARY THAT?
YOU LEAVE MY MORNING ROUTINE OUT OF THIS.
IT GOT PERSONAL.

WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?
SO YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM IN A BAR OR RESTAURANT AND MAKE SURE TO WASH YOUR HANDS.
BUT THEN YOU GO TO LEAVE THE BATHROOM AND YOU HAVE TO TOUCH THE DOOR.
AND YOU KNOW A CERTAIN PERCENTAGE OF THE PEOPLE WHO USED THE BATHROOM DID NOT WASH THEIR HANDS.
SO EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE WASHED, YOU’VE NOW PICKED UP WHATEVER GERMS WERE ON THOSE GUYS’ HANDS.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE SOLUTION TO THAT IS, DON’T YOU?
I DO.
NEVER WASH YOUR HANDS.
I CAN SAY OPEN THE DOOR WITH YOUR FOOT.
EASIER MY WAY.
I’LL NEVER WASH MY HANDS AGAIN!

What's your ETA?
TBD
LMK
ASAP
THX
TTYL
I.W.T.P.Y.I.T.F.
Huh?
I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.
OMG

I WAS STANDING ON THE SUBWAY PLATFORM TODAY WHEN I SAW THIS WOMAN THROUGH THE WINDOW OF ONE OF THE SUBWAY CARS.
AND I CAN'T TELL YOU EXACTLY WHY, BUT I KNEW IN THE DEPTHS OF MY SOUL THAT THIS WAS THE WOMAN I WAS MEANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH.
OH, MY GOODNESS, WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
THE TRAIN DROVE OFF.
IT WILL BE A LONG, LONELY LIFE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'VE WALKED 2.9 MILES TODAY AND I WANT TO GET TO THREE.
WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH IT?
IF YOU SHAKE YOUR PHONE UP AND DOWN, THE PHONE THINKS YOU'RE WALKING AND GIVES YOU CREDIT FOR THE STEPS.
YOU'VE JUST TAUGHT A MILLION PEOPLE HOW TO CHEAT ON THEIR FITNESS GOALS.
I ONCE RAN A MARATHON THIS WAY.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, GIMME A BURGER AND FRIES.
ANYTHING ELSE?
YEAH, GIMME A SHAKE WITH THAT.
MY SHEIKH IS DOUBLING THE PRICE OF YOUR OIL.

HEY, FATHER GUS, HOW GOES IT?
GREAT. HAVE YOU TWO BEEN SAYING YOUR PRAYERS?
YES. WE PRAY TOGETHER EVERY NIGHT.
GOOD. FELLOWSHIP IS SO IMPORTANT. MAY I ASK WHAT YOU PRAY FOR?
NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP, I PRAY THE LORD MY CASH I KEEP.
IF I SHOULD DIE BEFORE I WAKE, I PRAY THAT HEAVEN'S FILLED WITH CAKE.
HE ALWAYS LOOKS SO SAD AFTER SEEING US.

PAT, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN DAYS. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
READING! READING! READING!
HISTORIES! BIOGRAPHIES! SCIENCE BOOKS! ATLASES! I'M DETERMINED TO BE AS SMART AS I CAN POSSIBLY BE!!
FORGOT IT ALL.
I'D BE SO MUCH SMARTER IF I WAS A REMEMBERER.
IT LEAKS OUT THE EARS.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS. I HAVE A CRISIS ON MY HANDS AND I'M HOPING TO GET YOUR ADVICE.
WELL, THE FIRST THING YOU SHOULD ALWAYS DO IS PAUSE AND TAKE A DEEP BREATH.
THEN LOOK AT THE SITUATION AS CALMLY AND OBJECTIVELY AS POSSIBLE, CONSIDERING ALL YOUR OPTIONS.
THEN TAKE A NIGHT OR TWO TO SLEEP ON THOSE OPTIONS BECAUSE WITH TIME, ALL THINGS BECOME CLEAR.
PAUSING'S NOT ALWAYS THE BEST SOLUTION.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GOAT! HOP IN MY CAR - I'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU TO LUNCH.
THANK YOU! THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
TWO HOURS LATER...
HERE'S YOUR CHECK.
CAN YOU DIVIDE IT INTO TWO? WE'RE SPLITTING IT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE TAKING ME TO LUNCH FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
I DID. YOU GOT IN MY CAR AND I TOOK YOU TO LUNCH.
NOT WHAT THAT MEANS.
SHOOT...FORGOT MY WALLET. MIND PICKING UP THE WHOLE THING?