Pearls Before Swine | Search

daily thoughts to keep you calm
you can only control what you can control.
so hide while you still can.
I'M CALM. NOT STUPID.

LEARNING AFTER AGE 30
THE TOP FEDERAL TAX BRACKET IS CURRENTLY 37%. IN 1955, IT WAS 91%.
HIGHEST TAX BRACKET HAS 91% RATE
NEW FACT ENTERS BRAIN.
BRAIN REALIZES IT'S TOO FULL TO FIT ANY NEW FACTS.
BRAIN KICKS OUT AN ESSENTIAL ONE.
PTOOE!
WHERE I PUT THE CAR KEYS
HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN
BEHIND YOUR COFFEE MUG.

WHAT ARE YOU HOPPING AROUND FOR?
I'VE DETERMINED THAT THE TROUBLE WITH EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS STAYING IN ONE PLACE FOR TOO LONG.
JOBS, PARTIES, VACATIONS, RELATIONSHIPS...IN LIFE, YOU GOTTA KEEP MOVING. ALWAYS MOVING.
HUFF PUFF HUFF PUFF
I'M SENSING DOWNSIDES TO THE LIFESTYLE.
I'M BUILT BETTER FOR SLOTH.

HOW TO BE A PROFESSIONAL WRITER IN TWO EASY STEPS by RAT
STEP 1
Choose a selection of words from the 170,000 available to you in the English language.
STEP 2
Put them in the right order.
I THINK THERE'S MORE TO IT THAN THAT.
P.S.
Drink a lot.

WELL, PIG, I KNOW THIS IS ONLY YOUR FIRST WEEK WORKING IN OUR OFFICE, BUT WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO LET YOU GO. THE COMPANY'S GOING IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION.
WHAT DIRECTION IS THAT?
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT ASK, SO I MADE YOU SOME GRAPHS.
GRAPHS CAN BE SO HELPFUL.

WHAT DID YOU DO FOR FUN WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG, UNCLE RAT?
I USED TO LOVE MAKING PRANK CALLS. LIKE THIS ONE TIME --
WHAT'S A "PRANK CALL"?
WHADDYA MEAN? IT'S WHEN YOU CALL RANDOM STRANGERS AND PRETEND YOU'RE SOMEONE YOU'RE NOT.
BUT THEY COULD SEE ON THEIR PHONE WHO IT WAS.
NO. IN THOSE DAYS, YOU DIDN'T KNOW.
JUST LOOK AT THE DARN SCREEN!
WE DIDN'T HAVE STUPID SCREENS.
TELL A STORY THAT MAKES SENSE.

WE GOT ANOTHER CHRISTMAS CARD LETTER. THIS ONE FROM THE JOHNSONS DETAILING EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED TO THEM AND THEIR TWO KIDS AT HARVARD OVER THE PAST YEAR.
GREAT. HOW LONG IS IT?
THREE PAGES.
GOOD KINDLING IS SO IMPORTANT.

HEY, RAT, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD WRITE ME A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION FOR THIS JOB I'M TRYING TO GET?
SURE.
HE'S NOT AS BIG OF A DUMBO%# AS YOU'D THINK.
I'M THINKING IT COULD BE MORE EFFECTIVE.

SORRY, BUD, BUT I WAITED FIVE YEARS FOR THIS UBER. I GONNA SIT IN MY RATING OF YOU.
YEAH, WELL YOU SCRATCHED MY DOOR WITH YOUR SUITCASE AND MY RATING OF YOU IS LOWER THAN A TWO.
YEAH, WELL THIS PLACE IS SUPPOSED TO BE FIVE, BUT I'M PUTTING THAT IN A YELP REVIEW.
YOU'D HELP RUIN A FAMILY-OWNED BUSINESS. I'M GONNA POST ABOUT YOUR PRIVILEGED, SPOILED BEHAVIOR ON TWITTER.
GO AHEAD!! AND I'LL FILM YOU ON MY PHONE AND PUT IT ON -
DID YOU CATCH THAT EPIC FAIL ON YOUR PHONE?
YEP. POSTING IT NOW FOR EVERYONE TO SEE.
I'M CALLING IT I KNOW WHY WE'RE SO UNHAPPY.
NOT THAT GOOD. I'M GIVING IT ONE STAR ON AMAZON.

HEY, PAL, I ORDERED MY FOOD A HALF HOUR AGO.
IS THAT SO?
YEAH, AND YOUR JOB IS TO TAKE CARE OF ME... AFTER ALL, YOU CAN'T SPELL 'CUSTOMER' WITHOUT AN 'M-E.'
AND YOU CAN'T SPELL 'WAITER' WITHOUT A 'W-A-I-T.'
HE'S GOT ME THERE.

HERE'S YOUR CREDIT CARD RECEIPT. I JUST NEED YOU TO SIGN IT AT THE BOTTOM.
WHAT FOR?
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
OH, RIGHT, BECAUSE IN THIS DAY AND AGE, HOW I MOVE A BALLPOINT PEN BACK AND FORTH IS THE MOST RELIABLE WAY OF DETERMINING WHO I AM.
MAYBE I'LL JUST SIGN IT "ANNOYING GUY."
THAT'S HIM, ALL RIGHT.

DID YOU SEE THIS NEW SHOW ON NETFLIX ABOUT A BUNCH OF CORPORATE LAWYERS?
I'LL HAVE TO CHECK THAT OUT.
NO ONE WHO HAS SAID I'LL HAVE TO CHECK THAT OUT HAS EVER ACTUALLY CHECKED ANYTHING OUT.
POLITE WAY OF SAYING I'M NOT INTERESTED.
HEY... LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR STUPID SHOWS.

RAT, INSTEAD OF US ALWAYS PUTTING THE TRASH OUT ON THE MORNING OF TRASH PICKUP, I WAS THINKING WE SHOULD CHANGE THAT AND DO IT THE NIGHT BEFORE.
AUGH! WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS HAVE TO CHANGE THINGS? IT'S FINE AS IT IS! I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I LIKE THAT! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO ADJUST?
SURE. SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA.
WE ALL PROCESS CHANGE DIFFERENTLY.

DO YOU RESPECT THIS WHOLE NEW CONCEPT OF TRIGGER WARNINGS?
OF COURSE. WE HAVE TO BE MINDFUL OF PEOPLE'S SENSITIVITIES.
I'M GLAD TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE I'M TRIGGERED BY EVERY LUNATIC CONCEPT THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR HIPPIE MOUTH.
IT'S NOT A LUNATIC CONCEPT.
PLEASE. RESPECT MY SENSITIVITIES.

GUESS WHO IS MY NEW FAVORITE BAND.
WHO IS IT?
A BAND FROM THE 1960s THAT WROTE THE SONG 'AMERICAN WOMAN.'
WHO?
DIFFERENT BAND. YOU DON'T LISTEN VERY WELL.
I NEVER KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
I ALSO LIKE THEM.

GETTING SOME SUN?
YEA. I LOVE THE HEAT. NOT TO MENTION STARING OUT AT THE PELICANS AND THE CLIPPER SHIPS.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
COLTRANE. SUCH A MAVERICK IN THE FIELD OF JAZZ. A REAL REBEL. ALWAYS READY TO CUT THROUGH THE BLAH AND BUCK THE TREND TO FIND NEW SIGNS OF GREATNESS.
HE WAS THE KING. A REAL TRAILBLAZER. ALWAYS SETTING THE PACE OR MAKING MUSIC THAT WAS JUST MAGIC. THAT’S WHY HE ROCKETED TO THE TOP.
BUT HEY, TO EACH HIS OWN. SOME JUST WATCHING THE WAVES GO BY. OTHERS DO A GRIZZLY, RETIRED BY SEVEN OR SO TO GO INSIDE… HEAR THUNDER AND LIGHTNING LIKE THE HAUNTING TIMBREWORKS.
AND WHAT DID IT ALL ADD UP TO? A PIONEER WHO BLED OUTLINES TO GREATNESS. BUT HE SOUGHT INSIDE - A HEART THUNDER AND LIGHTNING IS A HOMETON ON YOUR KNUCKLES.
A KNUCKER’S A MIND NOT WEARING.
YOU THINK IT’S CLEVER TO HOVE THE “SAME AS 28 NBA TEAMS”?
I WOULD BUT I BE THAT CAVALIER. HEY, WANNA LISTEN TO SOME COLTRANE?

SO I FINALLY TOOK A BEHAVIORAL COURSE ON ANGER.
GOOD FOR YOU... SO THEY TEACH YOU VARIOUS WAYS TO LESSEN IT?
INCREASE IT.
HOW WONDERFUL.
LESSENING IT IS IMPOSSIBLE THESE DAYS.

DO YOU PRAY FOR OTHERS?
OF COURSE.
REALLY?
YEAH, I'LL SHOW YOU.
DEAR LORD, PLEASE MAKE THE MORONS AROUND ME LESS MORONIC SO I CAN ENJOY MY LIFE IN PEACE.
NOT REALLY WHAT THAT MEANS.
OR, LORD, I MAY HAVE TO PUNCH THEM AGAIN.

HEY, PIG… I’VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU… YOU’VE HAD SOME REAL INTELLIGENT POSTS ON SOCIAL MEDIA LATELY.
OH, YEAH, I’VE BEEN USING A FILTER.
A FILTER?
STUPIDITY FILTER. KNOCKS ALL THE STUPID RIGHT OUT OF ME.
DIDN’T KNOW THAT WAS A THING.
FILTERED ME IS BORDERLINE GENIUS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
MY YEARLY ASSESSMENT OF MYSELF. I DO IT TOWARD THE END OF EVERY YEAR TO MONITOR MY PERSONAL GROWTH AND POSSIBLE AREAS OF IMPROVEMENT. HERE, HAVE A LOOK.
2019 PERFECT AGAIN
2020 PERFECT AGAIN
2021 PERFECT AGAIN
2022 PERFECT AGAIN
2023 PERFECT AGAIN
GEE, HOW INSIGHTFUL.
I KEEP WAITING FOR A FLAW.

HEY, CONNIE COW, HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD... I TRIED TO GIVE MILK TO MY CALF THIS MORNING, BUT NONE CAME OUT.
WHAT AN UDDER FAILURE.
I'M MOVING TO ANOTHER COMIC STRIP.
NO, DON'T MOOOOOVE.

HEY, RAT, DO YOU EVER THINK YOU'RE A LITTLE RUDE TO OTHER PEOPLE?
OH, I DO.
THEN WHY DON'T YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT?
I WOULD, BUT I'VE DONE RESEARCH ON IT, AND IT TURNS OUT I HAVE A GENETIC PREDISPOSITION TOWARD RUDENESS.
PLEASE RESPECT MY DISABILITY.
THAT'S NOT A DISABILITY.
MY DISABLED PARKING PERMIT SAYS OTHERWISE.

ANGRY BOB WAS ANGRY. "EVERYONE IS SO AFRAID THESE DAYS OF USING THE WRONG TERM AND OFFENDING PEOPLE. WE NEED SOMETHING THAT CAN BRING US ALL TOGETHER!"
THEN HE GOT A BIGGER THING! ANGRY BOB: "EVERYONE LOVES TRAINS. SO I WILL WRITE A STORY ABOUT A TRAIN AND READ IT TO DIVERSE GROUPS OF PEOPLE!"
AND SO BOB WROTE A STORY ABOUT AN OLD, RED TRAIN IN INDIA CALLED THE INDIAN EXPRESS THAT WENT "WOOO WOOO" TO CLOUDS OF SMOKE THAT NOTABLY IGNORED THEIR COUNTRY.
BOB TRAVELED TO NATIVE AMERICAN LAND, WHERE THEY JUST HAPPENED TO BE CELEBRATING "RESPECT FOR NATIVE AMERICAN CULTURE DAY." AND HE BEGAN READING FROM HIS TRAIN BOOK.
"WOOOO WOOOO," SCREAMED THE RED TRAIN. "NOBODY WANTS YOU HERE," SOBBED THE BUFFALO.
ANGRY BOB WAS BROKE AND DIED CONCERNED.
AT LEAST HE TRIED.
NEVER TRY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR?
WELL, I'M COLLECTING DIFFERENT KINDS OF DICE AND I'M LOOKING TO GET ONE SPECIFIC PURPLE DIE.
DIE.
HUH?
DIE! DIE! DIE!
CHRISTMAS CAN BE VERY STRESSFUL.

HEY, PIGITA. DID YOU SEE THE TEXT I SENT? I POWER WASHED MY TWO PRIVATE BROWNIES AND THE COMMON AREA.
YEAH, BUT I DIDN'T SEE WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE BEFORE.
SHOOT. I DIDN'T TAKE ANY PHOTOS OF THE COMMON AREA BEFORE, BUT I THINK I DID TAKE PHOTOS OF THE PRIVATE ONES WHEN THEY WERE DIRTY.
SEND ME THE DIRTY PHOTOS! SEND ME THE DIRTY PHOTOS!
OF MY PRIVATES?
I'D LIKE TO CHANGE SEATS.
IMPRESSIVE, ISN'T IT?