Pearls Before Swine | Search

USE-ASS
NO-MORE
CAVE
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, IS THERE ANY FATE WORSE THAN DEATH?
HAVING TO LIVE FOREVER.
THAT DOES SEEM RATHER TAXING.

HI. I'M THE C.E.O. OF STARBUCKS AND I NEED TO BUY A MEDIUM SHIRT RATHER QUICKLY.
SORRY, WE DON'T HAVE ANY.
HOW CAN YOU NOT HAVE ANY MEDIUM SHIRTS?
WE JUST DON'T. BUT WE DO HAVE A GRANDE, VENTI AND TALL IF YOU CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT THAT MEANS.
NOT SO FUNNY WHEN YOU'RE ON THE RECEIVING END OF THOSE DUMB SIZES, IS IT, STARBUCKS GUY??
I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM ALL 38,000 STARBUCKS.

BOARDING PASS, PLEASE.
SORRY, SIR. WE DON’T ALLOW DOGS ON THE PLANE.
HE’S AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT DOG.
DO YOU HAVE DOCUMENTATION FOR THAT?
I DIDN'T KNOW I NEEDED IT.
YOU DO, SIR. OTHERWISE, HOW WOULD WE KNOW THAT’S AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT DOG?
OH, HANG ON.
I’M SO DEPRESSED… I HAVE NO JOB, NO SAVINGS AND NOBODY TO LOVE.
MY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT DOG HAS BEEN REJECTED.

I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS.
WHAT'S THE BAD NEWS?
OUR HOUSE BLEW UP, THERE'S NOTHING LEFT OF IT, AND NOW WE'RE HOMELESS.
WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS?
I FOUND THE MISSING KEY TO OUR BACK DOOR.
FEELS LIKE YOU'RE FOCUSING ON THE NEGATIVE.

WELCOME TO THE BAR, SIR. TODAY'S MY FIRST DAY.
GIMME A BOURBON ON THE ROCKS. SPLASH OF WATER.
I'M NO LONGER EMPLOYED AS A BARTENDER.

MEN AT
WORK
WAS
A BAND
FROM THE
1980s
AND IF
YOU KNOW
THAT, YOU'RE
PROBABLY OVER 50
AND ARE WONDERING
HOW YOUR LIFE
WENT BY SO
FAST
SOME ROAD SIGNS YOU JUST DON'T NEED.

YOU KNOW HOW EVERYONE NOW WORRIES ABOUT FIRES AND GLOBAL WARMING AND NEW VIRUSES AND NUCLEAR WAR?
OH, YEAH.
WELL, IT REALLY BOTHERS ME.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE A MUCH MORE REALISTIC SCENARIO IS THAT ANY ONE OF THE WORLD'S 20 SUPERVOLCANOES COULD ERUPT AND END LIFE AS WE KNOW IT.
SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS LESS INFORMED.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS OUR PURPOSE IN LIFE?
TO EXPERIENCE AS MUCH LOVE AND JOY AND LEARNING AS WE POSSIBLY CAN DURING OUR SHORT TIME ON EARTH.
GEE, I'M NOT SURE THAT'S ALWAYS BEEN MY FOCUS IN LIFE.
WHAT'S BEEN YOUR FOCUS IN LIFE?
FEARING ALL OF IT.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN YOU'D THINK.

HEY, WE GOTTA TALK.
WHO ARE YOU?
YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL. AND WITH ALL THE DUMB STUFF YOU DO AND STUPID THINGS YOU SAY, IT'S BEEN REALLY HARD TO PROTECT YOU.
SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS I QUIT. GOOD LUCK GETTING THROUGH LIFE ON YOUR OWN.
IT'S SAD WHEN YOU BURN OUT YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL.

WHO THE HECK IS THAT?
THAT'S MY LATE UNCLE GEORGE.
HE'S THE UNCLE WHO USED TO TAKE ME TO BASEBALL GAMES WHEN I WAS A KID AND BUY ME A SODA AND A HOT DOG AND SOMETIMES EVEN A T-SHIRT.
SO IN YOUR HONOR, UNCLE GEORGE, I RECENTLY TOOK MY OWN NEPHEW TO A BASEBALL GAME.
GOT HIM A SODA FOR $10, A HOT DOG FOR $16, AND A DECENT SEAT FOR $300!!
HE DIED ALL OVER AGAIN.
DID I MENTION THE $80 T-SHIRT?

HEY, PIGITA, LOOK WHAT I MADE IN CERAMICS CLASS...
IT'S ME AS A LAMP!
THAT'S VERY NICE.
HOW DO I MAKE IT GO ON?
TO TURN ME ON, JUST TOUCH ME RIGHT HERE.
I NEED TO START GOING TO CLASSIER RESTAURANTS.
NO, NO. YOU'RE TOUCHING THE WRONG SPOT.

HI, NEIGHBOR BOB... I JUST CAME BY TO SAY I WON'T BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU A BIRTHDAY PRESENT THIS YEAR.
SAME FOR NEXT YEAR.
AND THE YEAR AFTER THAT.
JUST KNOW THAT I WAS PREPARED TO SPEND A GREAT DEAL OF MONEY ON ALL OF THEM.
LEAP YEAR BABIES ARE THE BEST.

SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR MORNING WITH WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY, BUT WE'VE HAD A TRAGEDY.
OH, MY GOODNESS... WHAT HAPPENED?
I'VE FORGOTTEN OUR NETFLIX PASSWORD.
DO YOU THINK MAYBE WE'RE ALL TOO FRAGILE THESE DAYS?
COULDN'T YOU HAVE GIVEN A TRIGGER WARNING?

PIG, I'D LIKE TO TAKE A PHOTO
OF YOU FOR A PHOTO ALBUM
I'M DOING... WHAT DO YOU
THINK IS YOUR BEST SIDE?
HANG ON, I'LL SHOW YOU...
CLICK
PLEASE
TURN THE
LIGHTS
BACK ON.
HELLO,
DARKNESS,
MY OLD
FRIEND.

I JUST READ THIS BIG BOOK ON THE HISTORY OF WAR. IT'S SO DEPRESSING. WHY DO PEOPLE EVEN GO TO WAR?
WELL, YOU HAVE TWO SIDES THAT DON'T SEE THINGS THE SAME WAY. THINGS ESCALATE. AND SOON THEY'LL STOP AT NOTHING TO DESTROY EACH OTHER.
BEST DESCRIPTION OF TWITTER I'VE EVER HEARD.
NOT WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT.
DO YOU DO THEIR P.R.?

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO SHOW SUCH PATIENCE WITH EVERYONE YOU MEET?
I REMEMBER ONE THING ABOUT EVERY LIVING BEING ON THIS EARTH... NOBODY IS HERE BY CHOICE.
WE ARE ALL JUST HERE AT A GATHERING WE'VE BEEN FORCED TO ATTEND.
LIKE AN OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY!
LIFE IS ONE BIG OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
JUST WADING THROUGH THE WATER TO STAY WARMED UP.
FOR WHAT?
I’M GONNA HAVE A SWIM RACE AGAINST MIKE LOVE.
THE LEAD SINGER OF THE BEACH BOYS?
YEAH, MY MOM KNOWS HIM, BUT SHE SAYS HE TAKES FOREVER TO GET READY FOR A SWIM RACE.
JUST TELL HIM TO GET OVER HERE SO YOU CAN RACE.
MAMA SAID YOU CAN’T HURRY LOVE.
NO, YOU JUST HAVE TO WADE.
HOW MANY HEARTACHES MUST I STAND?

I THINK YOU'RE A BIT OF A SELFISH NARCISSIST.
WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
GO BACK AND READ MY SPEECH BALLOON IN THE FIRST PANEL.
I CAN'T. THIS IS A SEQUENTIAL ART FORM AND NOW WE HAVE TO MOVE ON TO THE NEXT PANEL.
AND HERE WE ARE ALREADY.
CURSE THIS STUPID ART FORM!

DID YOU KNOW YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO GET A NEW PILLOW EVERY YEAR?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I’VE HAD MINE FOR YEARS.
YEAH, WELL, YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO.
WHERE’D YOU GET THAT INFORMATION?
THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF PILLOW RETAILERS.
I’M STARTING TO THINK THE SOURCE OF NEWS MATTERS.

HEY, RAT, DO YOU WANT TO COME WITH US? I'M DRIVING GOAT AND HIS PALS DOWNTOWN.
SURE. I'VE GOT SHOTGUN.
I ALREADY TOLD HIM I'M SITTING IN FRONT.
NO, I MEAN I'VE GOT THE SHOTGUN.
HAVE YOU BEEN DOWNTOWN LATELY?

ARE THERE ANY GROUPS YOU CAN MAKE FUN OF AND NOT TRIGGER ANGRY LETTERS TO THE EDITOR?
OH, YEAH. STUPID PEOPLE.
WHY IS THAT?
NO ONE THINKS THEY'RE IN THAT GROUP.
HAHAHAHAH
Dear Sirs...

HELLO.
WELL, A PLEASANT GOOD EVENING TO YOU, PIG. IT'S ME, GOAT. I'M IN NEW YORK.
WHO SAYS, A PLEASANT GOOD EVENING AT FOUR IN THE AFTERNOON?
PEOPLE HERE. WE'RE AHEAD OF YOU.
YEAH, WELL, SORRY WE CAN'T ALL KEEP UP WITH YOU AND YOUR SNOOTY GREETINGS, YOU ARROGANT SNOB.
NEW YORKERS CAN BE SO RUDE.

DO YOU THINK THE POOR CONDITION OF OUR CITIES IS PARTLY DUE TO THE FACT THAT THERE ARE VERY FEW REPORTERS STILL COVERING CITY GOVERNMENT?
NO, I THINK GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS WILL ACT HONESTLY AND PRODUCTIVELY EVEN WITHOUT JOURNALISTS KEEPING A CHECK ON THEM.
HAHAHAHAHA
SARCASM KEEPS ME FROM CRYING.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, RAT?
A BIOGRAPHY OF THOMAS JEFFERSON.
HE'S GOTTA BE ONE OF THE MOST BRILLIANT AND ACCOMPLISHED AMERICANS TO EVER LIVE.
I MEAN, HE WAS A FOUNDING FATHER, AN ARCHITECT, A STATESMAN, THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSITY OF VIRGINIA AND THE PRIMARY AUTHOR OF THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.
AND HE WROTE WHAT IS ARGUABLY THE MOST IMPORTANT LINE IN AMERICAN HISTORY... "WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELF-EVIDENT... THAT ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL..."
SO HOW COULD THE GUY WHO WROTE THAT THINK IT WAS OKAY TO OWN OTHER HUMANS? :)
BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE COMMITTEE ON AMERICAN HISTORY THAT MAKES NO SENSE.
PROBABLY DIDN'T NEED THE MEGAPHONE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
TRYING TO THINK REALLY DEEP THOUGHTS, BUT IT'S NOT REALLY WORKING.
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN IT'S NOT WORKING?
I JUST GET UP AND STAND OVER HERE.
IF TODAY'S JOKE IS ABOUT "THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX," I WILL THROW YOU DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.
YOUR HUMOR IS MAKING PEOPLE VIOLENT.
HE'S REALLY GOT US BOXED IN.