Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHERE YOU FROM?
CALIFORNIA.
REALLY? YOU DON’T SEEM LIKE ONE OF THEM.
WHY? WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?
A WHACK JOB. I HEAR A LOT OF BAD THINGS ON THE NEWS ABOUT YOU PEOPLE.
THAT’S FUNNY. I HEAR A LOT OF BAD THINGS ABOUT YOU PEOPLE.
BUT YOU’RE KIND OF NORMAL.
YOU’RE KIND OF NORMAL, TOO.
WELL, I’LL BE.
LET’S HUG IT OUT.
JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE DON’T USE THAT WORD HERE.
SORRY…WE’RE HEATHENS WHERE I LIVE.

DO YOU THINK YOU COULD GO ON STAGE AND INTRODUCE A GIFT I'M GIVING IN THIS CURRENT MOMENT?
DO WHAT NOW?
PRESENT A PRESENT PRESENT.
I RESENT YOUR PRESENT PRESENCE.
PLEASE DON'T ONE-UP ME.

HI, WELCOME TO THE UNDERWORLD.
HUH? WHY'D I GET SENT TO HELL?
YOU WENT OVER THE WHITE LINE WHENEVER YOU PARKED, MAKING THE SPOT NEXT TO YOU UNUSABLE.
THAT'S ENOUGH TO SEND A PERSON TO HELL?
THE LOWEST RUNG.
WHAT A JOY THIS JOB IS.

HEY, PIG, DO YOU WANT TO GO SKYDIVING WITH ME?
NO, THANKS. I PREFER TO STAY ON SOLID GROUND.
YOU DO REALIZE THE GROUND YOU’RE STANDING ON IS A BIG ROCK FLOATING IN SPACE.
SOME THINGS YOU’D RATHER NOT KNOW.

HI, WELCOME TO HELL. I'M THE GUY WHO DECIDED YOU BELONG HERE.
ME? FOR WHAT?
MARKING YOUR PLACE IN A BOOK BY FOLDING THE PAGE CORNERS.
SOMETIMES HELL CAN HINGE ON THE LITTLE THINGS.

EVER NOTICE HOW WHEN YOU'RE GETTING OFF A PLANE, THERE'S ALWAYS ONE GUY WHO BLOCKS THE AISLE WHILE TAKING FIVE MINUTES TO GET HIS BAGS?
OH, YEAH, THAT'S THE WORST.
I THINK I FOUND A SOLUTION.
OH, YOU MEAN LIKE DEBOARDING FROM THE BACK DOOR OF THE PLANE AS WELL?
NO. THE AISLE CLEARER.
THAT MAY NOT MEET F.A.A. REGULATIONS.
THIS IS ALL THE REGULATION WE NEED.

EVER NOTICE HOW IF YOUR FAMILY LIFE OR HEALTH IS GOOD, SUDDENLY THERE'S A PROBLEM WITH YOUR CAREER?
OR IF YOUR CAREER OR FINANCES ARE GOING WELL, SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS IN YOUR SOCIAL LIFE?
IT'S AS THOUGH THE GODS LOOK DOWN AT YOU AND SAY, WHAT THE @#$#? THAT GUY'S TOO HAPPY.
I HATE WHEN THEY FIGURE THAT OUT.

SO THERE'S A SPOT WE SAW ON YOUR TUMMY THAT WE WANT TO TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AT...
OUR STUPID PROPERTY INSURANCE BILL DOUBLED...
I'M SO SORRY, PIG... I WAS BACKING OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY AND ACCIDENTALLY HIT YOUR CAR...
JINGLE JANGLE JINGLE
HANG ON--IT'S THE NEIGHBOR'S DOG, LEVI... SOMETIMES HE COMES OVER TO SAY HI AND GET A SNACK...
HERE YOU GO, LITTLE LEVI...
PAT PAT PAT
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP
...WHAT A GREAT DAY I'M HAVING.

I RENTED AN AIRBNB IN VEGAS THIS WEEKEND TO JUST RELAX.
THAT SOUNDS AMAZING. NEED ANY COMPANY?
WHIZZZZZZZ
BOLD ASK FROM A WOMAN WHO FAILED TO INVITE YOU TO HER MAUI GIRLS TRIP IN 2017.
PETTYMAN CAUSES TROUBLE WHEREVER HE GOES.
WHAT-- WAS I NOT ONE OF THE COOL GIRLS?

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, SO MANY THINGS IN LIFE SEEM BAD RIGHT NOW.
IN MOMENTS LIKE THIS, IT'S IMPORTANT TO REMIND YOURSELF THAT THINGS WILL GET BETTER.
SO THINGS WILL GET BETTER?
NO. BUT IT'S NICE TO HEAR IT.
HE'S GETTING LESS AND LESS HELPFUL.

HIYA... WELCOME TO THE UNDERWORLD.
WHO ARE YOU?
SATAN'S HELPER. I HELP DECIDE WHO GETS IN HERE.
OH, YEAH? WELL, WHAT DID I DO TO BELONG HERE?
BOB... WE SEE EVERYTHING.
THAT WORKS ON EVERYONE.

HI. WELCOME TO THE FIERY ABYSS.
HOLY @#$%! I WENT TO HELL? WHY???
LEAVING DIRTY DISHES IN THE SINK ONE TOO MANY TIMES, BOB.
I REALLY ENJOY MY JOB.

I GOT A NEW JOB.
DOING WHAT?
I GOT HIRED TO WORK WITH THE DEVIL TO DETERMINE WHO GOES TO THE UNDERWORLD FOR ALL ETERNITY.
OH, MY GOODNESS. HOW'S THE COMMUTE?
IT'S HELL.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS, RAT? YOU THINK THAT EVERYONE BUT YOU IS A LOSER WHO’S ALWAYS WRONG.
YOU COULDN’T BE MORE INCORRECT.
SEE?
DEBATING’S FOR LOSERS.

NO ONE KNOWS WHAT WE'RE DOING HERE.
SOME HAVE FAITH
THAT THEY DO.
BUT NO ONE KNOWS.
SO WE ARE SCARED. WE ARE ALONE. AND WE END. AND WE DON'T KNOW WHERE WE GO.
SO WE CLING TO MONEY FOR COMFORT. AND WE CHASE AWARDS FOR IMMORTALITY. AND WE HIDE IN THE ROUTINE OF OUR DAYS.
BUT THEY END.
THE NIGHT.
ALWAYS THE NIGHT.
WHICH, WHEN IT HAS YOU ALONE, WHISPERS THAT MAYBE NONE OF THIS HAS ANY SIGNIFICANCE.
SO LOVE EVERYONE YOU'RE WITH...
BECAUSE COMFORTING EACH OTHER ON THIS JOURNEY WE NE

WHAT IS THAT, PIG?
A PAINTING I BOUGHT. IT SHOWS ALL THESE NICE SPANISH EXPLORERS FROM THE 1500S TEACHING NATIVE PEOPLE TO READ THE BIBLE.
PIG, THEY FORCIBLY CONVERTED PEOPLE AS A COVER TO STEAL THEIR SILVER AND GOLD WHILE SPREADING DISEASE THAT KILLED ALMOST ALL THE POPULATION.
DO YOU LIKE THE PRETTY HORSES?

WISE ASS
UNIVERSITY
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, LIFE IS FILLED WITH SO MANY IDIOTS WHO RUIN MY COMMUTE, RUIN MY JOB, RUIN MY NEIGHBORHOOD. WHAT'S THE KEY TO DEALING WITH THEM?
LIVE ALONE ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN.
HE'S FIGURED OUT EVERYTHING.

HEY, RAT, COULD I BORROW SOME MONEY FROM YOU TO GO TO THE MOVIES?
IN 2004, I TRIED TO BORROW TWENTY DOLLARS FROM YOU FOR A CASE OF BEER. YOU SAID NO.
PETTYMAN HAS A LONG MEMORY.

HEY RAT. I SAW YOU'RE
HAVING A PARTY THIS WEEK,
BUT I DON'T THINK I GOT
AN INVITE.
THAT'S RIGHT. BECAUSE ON
SEPTEMBER 16, 2015, YOU
HAD A COCKTAIL PARTY THAT
I WAS NOT INVITED TO.
I SEE YOU'VE
MET 'PETTYMAN.'
CAN PETTINESS
BE A SUPERPOWER?

ISN'T IT AMAZING TO BE ALIVE AT THIS MOMENT OF TIME WHEN SO MANY TECHNOLOGICAL INNOVATIONS ARE OCCURRING AND WE KNOW MORE THAN WE EVER KNEW BEFORE?
NINETY-FIVE PERCENT OF THE UNIVERSE IS COMPOSED OF DARK MATTER AND DARK ENERGY AND WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS.
LET'S IGNORE THAT PART.
I'M HOPING IT'S PIZZA AND BEER.

TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
AND THE CLOSEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN TO THE END OF IT.
PLEASE DON'T WRITE ON MY MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS.
JUST KEEPING IT REAL.

HEY, STEPH… WHAT'S IT LIKE BEING A CREATIVE PERSON?
FOR ME? WELL…
ONE DAY YOU CAN SEE THE BEAUTY IN ALL THAT YOU SEE… YOU WANT TO BE EVERYWHERE, DO EVERYTHING… YOUR ABILITY FEELS LIMITLESS…
IDEAS ARE EASY… THEY COME TO YOU IN BURSTS, SOMETIMES FULLY FORMED, LIKE YOU’RE NOTHING BUT AN ANTENNA.
THEN… THE CHEMICALS SHIFT IN YOUR BRAIN.
YOU WANT THE WORLD TO END. EVERYTHING FEELS HOPELESS. YOU SIT IN A CLOSET ALONE, BECAUSE DARKNESS IS COMFORTING.
THERE ARE NO IDEAS. THERE’S NO POINT TO IDEAS.
THEN… THE CHEMICALS SHIFT BACK.
YOU HAVEN’T ANSWERED.
JOYOUS!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M A TORTURED ARTIST.
YOU HAVE NO ARTISTIC SKILL.
I'M DOING THIS PART FIRST.
THE SKILL PART HELPS.
I'LL GET TO THAT EVENTUALLY.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, I'VE SEARCHED HIGH AND LOW... READ ALL THE GREAT WORKS... STUDIED ALL THE PHILOSOPHIES... ABSORBED ALL THE RELIGIONS, BUT I AM STILL BURDENED BY THE SAME PERSISTENT QUESTION...
WHAT IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS?
IT'S JUST BEER.
WE MAKE LIFE TOO HARD.

I'M HEADING TO SAN MIGUEL DE ALLENDE NEXT WEEK. IT'S A TOWN IN MEXICO FILLED WITH EXPATS.
OH, SORRY, PIG, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORD EXPAT MEANS?
YES, I KNOW WHAT EXPAT MEANS.
PEOPLE LIKE TOM BRADY.
NOT WHAT AN EXPAT IS.
SO WHY IS TOM LIVING IN MEXICO?