Pearls Before Swine | Search

HIYA. WELCOME TO THE WARMEST SPOT IN THE AFTERLIFE.
HEL? WHAT'D I DO TO DESERVE THIS?
YOU NEVER CLEANED OUT THE GARAGE, BOB.
SPOUSES EVERYWHERE APPROVE.

HI. I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM.
SORRY... OUR RESTROOMS ARE RESERVED FOR CUSTOMERS ONLY.
HERE'S FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS... GIMME THE BEST STEAK YOU HAVE.
WHEN YOU GOTTA GO, YOU GOTTA GO.

The reason the Fall is called that is because it was a nice autumn day when Adam and Eve ate the apple and fell from grace.
That's not true.
Oh, I know.
But now that I've posted it on the internet, millions of people will cite it as fact and no one will know WHAT the truth is.
The internet was a mistake.

HEY, MONEYBAGS McGEE... I HEAR YOU'RE GIVING OUR FAIR CITY A NEW MUSEUM, A NEW OPERA HOUSE, AND A NEW HYDROELECTRIC DAM.
DAM?
I DON'T GIVE A DAM.
THAT'S A PROBLEMATIC WORD.
DAM?
RIGHT.

IS THAT YOU, PIG?
RAT? WHY ARE YOU DRESSED AS A FIST?
IT SENDS A MESSAGE TO THE WORLD... "STAY OUT OF MY WAY OR ELSE."
HOW SMART. MAYBE I'LL TRY THAT TOO.
FEELS POWERFUL, DOESN'T IT?
IT DOES.

HELP WANTED
I'M INTERESTED IN THE JOB YOU'RE OFFERING. WHAT'S IT INVOLVE?
I'M CREATING A LINE OF FAMOUS PSYCHOLOGISTS AND PSYCHIATRISTS, AND I NEED YOU TO HELP ME.
HOW DO YOU SAY THIS GUYS NAME?
KARL JUNG. IT'S PRONOUNCED "YUNG". OH, AND YOU SHOULD KNOW ONE THING ABOUT THE JOB.
SINCE YOU'D BE A NOVICE, I'D HAVE YOU DEVELOP SOME OF THE LESSER KNOWN PEOPLE AND LEAVE THE MORE FAMOUS ONES TO BE DONE BY OUR EXPERIENCED EMPLOYEES WHO ARE GOOD AT IT.
SO WOULD I START WITH THIS ONE?
KARL JUNG? NO NO. HE'S ONE OF THE MOST FAMOUS PSYCHIATRISTS OF ALL TIME.
ONLY THE GOOD DIE YUNG.
I HAVE A FREUDIAN URGE TO KILL MY CARTOONIST.

HOW'S RAT'S JURY DUTY GOING?
NOT WELL... HE THINKS HIS FELLOW JURORS ARE A BIT DUMB.
WELL, I HOPE HE DOESN'T SAY THAT TO THEM.
NO, I THINK HE'S TRYING TO BE AS DIPLOMATIC AS POSSIBLE.
IF I SHAKE YOUR HEAD HARD, DO YOU THINK IT WILL JUMPSTART YOUR BRAIN?

I HEAR YOU GOT THROWN OFF THE JURY FOR WRITING COMIC STRIPS WHILE IN COURT.
YEAH. I GOT REPLACED BY AN ALTERNATE JUROR.
DO YOU KNOW WHO REPLACED YOU?
NO, BUT I HOPE WHOEVER IT IS FUNCTIONS WELL WITH THE OTHER JURORS.
NOW EVERYONE SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO THE SMART GUY.

STEPHAN HAS JURY SERVICE
AND THAT'S MY TESTIMONY YOUR HONOR...
EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT WHILE I TALK TO ONE OF THE JURORS.
JUROR NUMBER EIGHT... YOU SEEM TO BE TAKING A LOT OF NOTES, BUT IT'S ALSO IMPORTANT TO LISTEN TO THE TESTIMONY BEING OFFERED.
HE'S NOT TAKING NOTES, YOUR HONOR... HE'S DRAWING A COMIC STRIP.
WELL, AREN'T YOU A NICE LITTLE NARC.
I PREFER "FAMILY CIRCUS."

BEFORE WE BEGIN SELECTING THE JURY, I NEED TO KNOW IF ANY OF YOU HAVE ANY HARDSHIPS THAT WOULD PREVENT YOU FROM SERVING AS JURORS.
YES, YOUR HONOR, I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR CREATING A DAILY COMIC STRIP.
DON'T CARE.
I'M BLIND!
I'M DEAF!
I HATE COPS!
I'M A RACIST!
MY CAT'S SICK!
I THINK EVERYONE IS GUILTY!
I'M ON A JURY.

WHY IS EVERYONE SO QUIET TODAY?
OUR CREATOR, STEPHAN PASTIS, GOT CALLED IN FOR JURY DUTY, SO HE CAN’T WRITE ANY JOKES.
HALLELUJAH!
IT’S RARE WHEN YOU HEAR ALL THE PEOPLES OF THE WORLD REJOICE.

WELL, GUYS, YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE IT. BUT I -- YOUR BELOVED CREATOR -- GOT CALLED IN FOR JURY DUTY.
SO WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
WELL, SADLY, IT MEANS I WON'T BE ABLE TO TELL ANY OF MY USUAL JOKES TODAY.
BEST STRIP WE'VE HAD ALL YEAR.

HEY, STEPH, YOU SEEM SO MUCH CALMER AND MORE CENTERED THESE DAYS. WHAT DO YOU ATTRIBUTE THAT TO?
I THINK IT'S JUST ABOUT ENJOYING THE MOMENT. AND IT ALL STARTS WITH MY MORNING ROUTINE.
WHAT'S YOUR ROUTINE?
WELL, I WAKE UP, DO A LITTLE READING IN BED, THEN GO AND MAKE SOME COFFEE.
THEN I SIT IN MY KITCHEN AND EAT MY BAGEL AND BANANA AND BLUEBERRIES.
THEN I GO FOR A NICE WALK ALONG A CREEK BY MY STUDIO. TO THINK A LITTLE AND MAKE A SECOND CUP OF COFFEE.
NOT TODAY YOU WON'T. I BORROWED YOUR COFFEE MAKER TO TAKE WITH ME TO A BEACH HOUSE I'M RENTING.
THE COFFEE MAKER WAS EVERY DAY???
DON'T YOU EVER MESS WITH MY MORNING ROUTINE YOU LITTLE GO%#@!!
MAYBE YOU'RE NOT THAT CALM.
IF YOU DON'T MESS WITH MY ROUTINE, I AM!!

HEY, PIG.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
MY BOSS FIRED ME, THE BANK REPOSSESSED MY CAR, AND EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY IS MAD AT ME.
TAP TAP TAP
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TRYING TO UNSUBSCRIBE FROM LIFE.
NOT AN OPTION.
DOESN'T WORK WITH JUNK MAIL EITHER.

DO YOU HAVE ANY HOPE FOR THIS COUNTRY EVER BEING UNITED AGAIN?
I DO. TO QUOTE LINCOLN, I HAVE HOPE THAT EACH OF US WILL TURN TO THE BETTER ANGELS OF OUR NATURE.
WHAT IF YOU HAVE NO ANGELS AT ALL?
NEVER MIND.
I HAVE SOME DEVILS I CAN CONTRIBUTE.

I HEAR RAT'S FIGHTING WITH NEIGHBOR BOB.
YEAH. RAT PUT UP OUR HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS, AND BOB TRIED TO TOP THEM BY PUTTING UP ONE OF THOSE 12-FOOT-HIGH SKELETONS.
WELL, I DON'T THINK HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS ARE MEANT TO BE A COMPETITION.
I DON'T KNOW IF RAT WOULD NECESSARILY AGREE.
IN YOUR GHOULISH FACE, BOB.

HEY, RAT... IS THAT THE "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE" PAGE-A-DAY CALENDAR?
YEAH, IT IS.
I LOVE IT... AND YOU TEAR OUT SOME OF THE PAGES SO YOU CAN ENJOY CERTAIN STRIPS OVER AND OVER?
YES.
THAT'S TERRIFIC. MAKES ME FEEL LIKE MY LIFE'S WORK HAS BEEN WORTHWHILE.
DIDN'T HAVE THE HEART TO TELL HIM I WAS SOPPING UP AN ORANGE JUICE SPILL.

HI. I DON'T THINK WE'VE MET.
I'M AI ANNIE, A CREATION OF ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE.
WITHIN FIVE YEARS, I WILL CURE ALL HUMAN DISEASES AND AILMENTS.
THAT'S AMAZING
THEN I WILL CONCLUDE THAT ALL HUMANS ARE USELESS AND UNNECESSARY AND ELIMINATE THEM ALL.
THAT PART'S A BUMMER.
WE GIVE.
WE TAKE.

WHERE WERE YOU TODAY?
AT THE BEACH! GREAT DRIVE. BIG WAVES. WARM SAND. WONDERFUL PICNIC. BEAUTIFUL WALK.
WELL, DID YOU SEE ALL THIS STUFF THAT WAS GOING ON ON SOCIAL MEDIA?
I FORGOT THAT WORLD EXISTED.
I MAY HAVE DISCOVERED THE SECRET TO HAPPINESS.

HEY, GOAT, THANKS FOR INVITING ME OVER FOR MOVIE NIGHT.
HEY, 7:00 P.M... YOU'RE RIGHT ON TIME. PIG, DO YOU WANT TO WATCH?
OH, GOSH, ANYTHING.
WHAT ABOUT THIS NETFLIX MOVIE?
OH, I'VE SEEN THAT.
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS ONE ON DISNEY PLUS?
RAT SAYS IT'S BORING.
WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE ON HBO?
SORRY, I CAN'T WATCH HORROR FILMS.
WANT TO WATCH THIS ONE THEN?
SEEN IT.
GOT BAD REVIEWS.
TOO LONG.
NOT INTERESTED.
HEARD IT'S NOT GOOD.
I CAN'T DO FOREIGN FILMS.
THE REMAKE IS BETTER.
MAYBE NEXT TIME WE CAN SCHEDULE WHAT TO WATCH THE NIGHT BEFORE MOVIE NIGHT.
THANKS FOR A GREAT EVENING.

WHERE WERE YOU THIS WEEK?
FLEW TO GEORGIA TO SEE WHERE THE APPALACHIAN TRAIL STARTS.
DIDN'T YOU FLY TO MAINE LAST YEAR TO SEE WHERE IT ENDS?
I DID.
IS THAT WHY YOUR ONLINE DATING PROFILE SAYS THAT YOU'VE DONE THE APPALACHIAN TRAIL FROM BEGINNING TO END?
IT IS!
FITNESS IS THE KEY TO GETTING GIRLS.

HEY, LARRY THE CROC. I HEAR YOU AND YOUR BUDDIES ARE MOVING TO FLORIDA.
Yeah, we want be somewhere gud. Somewhere wid just our kind.
FLORIDA HAS 125,000 ALLIGATORS, BUT LESS THAN 1000 CROCODILES.
Immigrashun out of control.

HIYA. WELCOME TO THE ETERNAL ABYSS.
OH, MY GOODNESS. WHY'D I GO TO HELL?
ALWAYS STANDING UP BEFORE YOUR BOARDING GROUP IS CALLED.
WE SEE EVERYTHING.

HEY, ABOUT YESTERDAY...I'M SORRY YOU WERE OFFENDED.
SO YOU'RE SORRY FOR WHAT YOU DID?
I'M SORRY YOU'RE AN OVERSENSITIVE NINNY.
I NEED ANOTHER APOLOGY.
I'M SORRY YOU WERE OFFENDED.

HI... WELCOME TO THE UNDERWORLD.
ME? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?
YOU'RE THE GUY WHO MADE THE SOFTWARE UPDATES FOR MY PHONE, WHICH I DIDN'T ASK FOR, DIDN'T WANT, AND ALWAYS MADE MY @!#*$#! PHONE HARDER TO USE.
I LOVE MY JOB.