Pearls Before Swine | Search

I FINALLY GOT A DISABILITY PLACARD. FOR MY CAR.
DISABILITY? WHAT ARE YOU UNABLE TO DO?
GO FIVE MINUTES WITHOUT IDIOTS RUINING MY DAY.
THEN WE MAY ALL BE DISABLED.
YOU'RE NOT BORROWING MY PLACARD.

HEY, NEIGHBOR NANCY... HOW'S YOUR JOB GOING?
CLEANING ROOMS AT THE YOUTH HOSTEL?
YEAH.
HAD TO QUIT. IT WAS A TERRIBLE PLACE TO WORK.
HOSTEL WORK ENVIRONMENT?
I'LL SHOW YOU HOSTILE.

Dear World,
Be better.
If not, I shall be forced to go live in some other one.
THIS IS THE ONLY ONE WE'VE GOT.
THAT WILL KEEP ME UP TONIGHT.

AND THAT'S WHY I HOLD JOHN TYLER AS THE WORST PRESIDENT EVER!
SO WORSE THAN WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON?
WHO'S THAT NOW?
THE NINTH PRESIDENT. CAUGHT A COLD DURING HIS INAUGURAL ADDRESS AND DIED 30 DAYS LATER.
SO HE ACHIEVED NOTHING.
WELL, MAYBE NOT WORSE THAN THAT.
WORSE THAN JAMES BUCHANAN?
JAMES WHO?
THE 15TH PRESIDENT. THE COUNTRY LITERALLY FELL APART UNDER HIM. ELEVEN STATES LEFT THE UNION... AND HE DID NOTHING.
WELL, NOT THAN THAT BAD.
SO WORSE THAN WARREN HARDING.
A.K.A. THE 29TH PRESIDENT. KNOWN FOR BEING UNINFORMED ABOUT HISTORY AND CAN'T EVEN NAME THREE OTHER PRESIDENTS!!
THANK YOU.
YOU HISTORY FOLKS ARE BRUTAL.
THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH HIDE YOU CAN TAKE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, PIG?
I GOT THE ANGST.
OVER WHAT?
AN ANGSTY ANGST WORLD.
CAN I DO ANYTHING TO HELP?
FIX THE WORLD.
THAT MAY EXCEED MY POWERS.
BACK COMES THE ANGSTY ANGST.

HISTORY EXAM
How many soldiers died in the American Civil War?
civil
adjective
1. courteous and polite
Zero. They agreed to disagree and went home.
MAYBE WE SHOULD GIVE UP TEACHING.
I GAVE UP YEARS AGO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Mourning one of you zeeba guys who die.
YES, WELL, THE SPELLING IS 'REST IN P-E-A-C-E.'
You not good at spelling.

IS DRAWING THE STRIP EASY FOR YOU?
OH YEAH… I COULD DO IT BLINDFOLDED.
NO, YOU CAN'T.
GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE.

I AM GOING TO SACRIFICE SLEEP, HEALTH, AND FRIENDS, AND DEVOTE ALL OF MY WAKING HOURS TO BECOMING A PROFESSIONAL WRITER.
WHAT FOR?
TO BECOME RICH.
NINETY-EIGHT PERCENT OF BOOKS SELL LESS THAN 5000 COPIES.
WRITERS MAKE POOR LIFE CHOICES.

TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER THAN TODAY
THOSE ARE SOME BIG BOLD LETTERS. HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?
BECAUSE TODAY WAS VERY, VERY BAD.
HOPE THAT MAKES THAT CLEAR.

THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE THESE DAYS WHO ONLY
SEE THE NEGATIVE IN EVERYTHING. SEE IF YOU'RE
ONE OF THEM BY FINDING THE ONE UNHAPPY FACE
IN THIS SEA OF HAPPINESS.
FIRST THING I SAW.
BUT THEY'RE ALL SMILING.
TOO LAZY TO DRAW A REAL STRIP TODAY?
YOU MUST BE ONE OF THE NEGATIVE ONES.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HELLO, SIR, WE'RE HERE TO ASK IF YOU'RE READY FOR JUDGMENT DAY.
WHEN IS IT?
NO ONE KNOWS.
WELL, THEN WHAT ARE YOU BANGING ON MY DOOR FOR?
THEY COULD AT LEAST BE INFORMED.

HEY, GOAT, CAN YOU WATCH MY DOG FOR A FEW DAYS WHILE I'M GONE?
SURE.
YOU JUST GOTTA BE CAREFUL WITH ITS PORES. THEY'RE VERY SENSITIVE WHEN IT RAINS.
SO WAIT...WHEN SHOULD I BE CAREFUL? AND WITH WHAT PART OF YOUR DOG'S BODY?
WHEN IT RAINS...ITS PORES.
YOUR PARENTS MUST BE SO ASHAMED.

RAT'S COURSE ON WRITING
BE BRILLIANT.
I EXPECTED MORE.

FALLING ROCK
WHICH YOU CAN DO NOTHING ABOUT BECAUSE IT WILL BE FALLING VERY FAST AND WEIGH THOUSANDS OF POUNDS
SO REALLY THIS SIGN IS JUST TO CREATE ANXIETY
LEAST HELPFUL SIGN EVER.

DID YOU SEE THIS THEME PARTY MENTIONED IN THE NEWSPAPER? THEY'RE INVITING ANYONE WHO WANTS TO COME.
WHAT'S THE PARTY'S THEME?
SEARCH.
PLEASE DON'T STOP HIM.
I'LL BRING CAKE.

Dear Powers That Be
In The Universe,
Here's hoping that each
of my remaining days
is worse than the last.
DON'T YOU
MEAN BETTER?
NO.
I ALWAYS GET THE OPPOSITE
OF WHAT I HOPE FOR.
DON'T TELL ANYONE MY
SECRET.

HEY, NEIGHBOR NANCY... I HEAR YOU GOT A NEW JOB WITH BENEFITS.
YEP. HEALTHCARE, VISION, DENTAL, 401K, THREE WEEKS OF VACATION.
GOSH. NONE OF MY FRIENDS' JOBS STILL GIVE THEM THOSE THINGS.
REALLY?
YEP. YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE. OH... HERE COMES MY GIRLFRIEND PIGITA.
HI, SWEETIE, WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?
THIS IS NANCY, MY FRIEND WITH BENEFITS.
MY RELATIONSHIP HAS COME TO AN ABRUPT END.

GOSH, YOU SMELL GOOD.
SORRY. IS THAT CREEPY?
WHENEVER YOU FEEL COMPELLED TO ASK, "IS THAT CREEPY?", THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS YES.
I HAVE A LOT TO LEARN.

THANKS FOR GOING ON A COFFEE DATE WITH ME.
SURE... TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF.
WELL, I'M PRETTY HONEST ABOUT MY FEELINGS. BUT I'M NOT TOO SMART.
SO YOU'RE AN OPEN BOOK, BUT THERE'S NOTHING ON THE PAGES.
I'VE BEEN SUMMED UP NICELY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
PLAYING HIDE AND SIKH.
YOU SHOULD BE THE ONE HIDING.

I JUST WATCHED THIS FILM ON WWII. WE WERE ABLE TO WIN BECAUSE ALL OUR FACTORIES AND WORKERS AND FARMERS HAD THE SKILLS AND STRENGTH TO CONVERT EVERYTHING TO WAR PRODUCTION.
BUT WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF WE HAD A WAR LIKE THAT NOW?
I COULD HOLD ZOOM MEETINGS.
THAT SHOULD HELP.
THOUGH SOMETIMES MY MIC'S MUTED AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.

BUY THE NEW BESTSELLER FROM STEPHEN KING… WHEREVER YOU GET YOUR BOOKS.
WHERE ELSE WOULD I BUY IT???
DUMB EXPRESSIONS WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME.

FITNESS GOAL
DO THIRTY PUSH-UPS A DAY.
THAT'S REALLY GOOD YOU'RE DOING THAT, PIG. BUT IT'S IMPORTANT TO SET REALISTIC GOALS.
EAT THIRTY ICE CREAM PUSH-UPS A DAY.
THIS I CAN DO.

I'LL GRANT YOU ANYTHING YOU WISH... ANYTHING AT ALL.
HAVE ICE CREAM MAKE US HEALTHIER.
I'VE SAVED THE WORLD.