Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, CARTOON BOY, I'M DOING A QUICK CALCULATION THAT MIGHT BE HELPFUL TO YOU.
WHAT'S THAT?
WELL, YOU'RE 57, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
GREAT...SO BASED ON THE AVERAGE LIFE EXPECTANCY FOR AN AMERICAN MALE, YOU HAVE JUST 26% OF YOUR LIFE LEFT.
HOW IS THAT HELPFUL?
IT'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW WHEN THE BUZZER SOUNDS.

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I'M KEEPING TRACK SO I KNOW WHAT THE UNIVERSE OWES ME.
HAPPY NEW YEAR, BUDDY.

HELLO, GOAT. I'M HERE TO ADMIT THAT I'VE DONE A LOT OF WRONG THINGS IN MY LIFE.
GOOD FOR YOU, RAT. THAT'S AN IMPORTANT THING TO ACKNOWLEDGE.
AND IT'S ALL THE FAULT OF GENETICS.
I'M GONNA ENJOY MY COFFEE NOW.
BUT ALL THE GOOD THINGS I'VE DONE MYSELF.

WHEN I WAS YOUNG, WE USED TO HAVE SPORTING EVENTS AND AWARD SHOWS FREQUENTLY INTERRUPTED BY STREAKERS.
WHAT'S A STREAKER?
SOMEONE WHO WOULD TAKE OFF ALL THEIR CLOTHES AND RUN AROUND.
WE DIDN'T HAVE A LOT TO DO IN THOSE DAYS.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A LIFE WELL-LIVED?
ONE WHERE YOU LIVE IN THE MOMENT. GRATEFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE.
BUT I THOUGHT THE GOAL WAS FINANCIAL SUCCESS! FAME! IMMORTALITY!
ALWAYS REMEMBER, PIG... NO MATTER HOW WELL YOU DO OR DON'T DO IN LIFE, IN THE END YOU'RE EITHER THROWN IN A HOLE OR ASH.
WISH HE'D SAID 'SPOILER ALERT.'

NEVER
GIVE
UP
NEVER
GIVE

PIG, DO YOU THINK I'M A GOOD GUY?
BE HONEST. THIS IS A SAFE SPACE.
I THINK SOMETIMES YOU'RE RUDE AND SELF-CENTERED.
KSShhh
THIS KIND OF SAFE SPACE.
ALWAYS BE CLEAR ON YOUR TERMS.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT MY PLAN TO IMPROVE DEATH?
WHAT'S THE PLAN? :)
WELL, YOU DIE BUT AFTER TEN YEARS YOU COME BACK.
WHY SO LONG?
SOME PEOPLE TAKE A LONG TIME TO MISS.
I COULD SEE YOU TAKING LONGER.
GUESS WHO DOESN'T GET TO COME BACK.

DEAR GOD,
THE BIGGEST PROBLEM
WITH DEATH IS ITS
FINALITY. SO I
PROPOSE ONE SMALL
TWEAK.
AFTER TEN YEARS,
THE PERSON COMES
BACK.
DO THEY
ALL HAVE
TO COME
BACK?
P.S.
PLEASE
KEEP SOME
DEAD.

HEY, PIG. HOW GOES IT?
STRESSED. RAT AND I ARE AT THE AIRPORT TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHICH GATE OUR CONNECTING FLIGHT LEAVES FROM.
JUST TEXT YOURSELF THE FLIGHT NUMBER AND CLICK THE LINK. IT TELLS YOU EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT THE FLIGHT, INCLUDING THE GATE.
SOME THINGS SHOULD BE TAUGHT IN SCHOOL.

DEAR THE WORLD AS I KNOW IT...
BE THE WORLD AS I ENVISION IT.
P.S. AND PLEASE HAVE ICE CREAM GROW ON TREES.
NEVER HURTS TO ASK.

HOW THE TWO-PARTY SYSTEM WORKS
PARTY A WINS ELECTION.
YAAAAAAY!
PARTY B GOES TO THE SIDELINES, WHERE FOR TWO YEARS THEY YELL, OBSTRUCT, AND HOPE PARTY A FAILS.
JERK!
HOPE YOU FAIL!
PARTY A FAILS.
*sigh*
PARTY B WINS ELECTION.
YAAAAAY!
PARTY A GOES TO THE SIDELINES, WHERE FOR TWO YEARS THEY YELL, OBSTRUCT, AND HOPE PARTY B FAILS.
JERK!
HOPE YOU FAIL!
PARTY B FAILS.
*sigh*
WHOA WHOA WHOA...I DON'T GET SOMETHING...IF THE PARTY IN POWER FAILS, DOESN'T THE NATION FAIL TOO?
IT DOES!
I MUST BE MISSING SOMETHING.
SADLY, YOU'RE NOT.
MAYBE IT'S TRUE. THEY JUST WRITE "ETC ETC."

HEY, DO YOU REMEMBER THE NAME OF THAT GUY WALKING TOWARD US?
YEAH. HIS NAME'S GARY AND HE DRIVES A FORD. I HAVE A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY.
SORRY. I COULDN'T HELP BUT OVERHEAR. MY NAME'S PAUL AND I DRIVE A PRIUS.
I HAVE A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY BUT ALL OF MY SHOTS ARE OUT OF FOCUS.

YOU'RE BEING SO TRUCULENT TODAY.
WHAT DOES "TRUCULENT" MEAN?
QUICK TO ARGUE.
I'M NOT LIKE THAT.
AND THERE YOU GO BEING TRUCULENT.
I HATE WHEN HE GETS A NEW WORD-OF-THE-DAY CALENDAR.
YOU CAN NEVER ARGUE ABOUT BEING TRUCULENT WITHOUT BEING TRUCULENT.

I LOVE MEETING NEW PEOPLE. HOW ABOUT YOU, RAT? HOW DO YOU VIEW NEW PEOPLE?
Potential annoying guy who might talk to me all day. Stop making eye contact. ABORT! ABORT!
DIFFERENTLY.

HEY, GOAT, HAVE YOU MET "SEWER GUY"?
WHAT'S HE DOING DOWN THERE?
I'M WAITING OUT THIS WHOLE ERA.
HAVE ROOM FOR ONE MORE??
YOU SCARED HIM BACK INTO HIS HOLE.

To the man who cut me off in traffic this morning...
I noticed you flipped me off so strenuously that you might have hurt your arm.
Hope you're doing okay.
HE'S NOT LIKE THE REST OF US.
P.S. Here's hoping you heal fast so you can flip off others.

I'M DOING THIS PERSONALITY QUIZ WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WRITE DOWN THE NAMES OF THE THREE PEOPLE YOU'D MOST LIKE TO HANG OUT WITH.
1) MY DOG
2) A BOOK
3) TEA
TECHNICALLY, NONE OF THOSE IS A 'PEOPLE.'
MY DOG'S THE BEST PEOPLE I KNOW.

FRED HAS ALWAYS SMILING, ALWAYS LAUGHING. THOUGH HE WASN'T ALWAYS A SAINT, AND COULD SOMETIMES BE NAUGHTY, LIKE WHEN HE PARTIED... WHICH OF COURSE LED TO THE FIRE.
AFTER WHICH HE BECAME ILL, FELT LIKE CRAP, AND DIED.
AND THOUGH WE ARE NOW SAD, HE'LL ALWAYS BE IN OUR HEARTS.
I'LL NOW INTRODUCE FRED'S GRANDDAUGHTER, WHO'LL TRANSLATE MY EULOGY FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO SPEND A LOT OF TIME ON YOUR PHONES.
:-)
:-)
:-O
:-)
DO I REPLY WITH A THUMBS-UP?
I GAVE HER A HIGH-FIVE.

PIG, IS THAT YOU?
HEY, DAVE. LONG TIME NO SEE.
I GOTTA WORK ON MY GREETINGS.

HEY, PIG. HOW GOES IT?
HIYA, GOAT...I'D STAND A BIT FURTHER BACK IF I WERE YOU.
WHY IS THAT?
TOO MUCH LOVE IN MY HEART TODAY. I MAY BURST.
MUST BE A GOOD PROBLEM TO HAVE.
IT'S THE BEST.

I DON’T GET IT. I SENT THIS GUY CLEAR DIRECTIONS AND HE’S NOT HERE YET.
WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM?
I TOLD HIM, “MAKE A RIGHT ON MISSION, GO THREE BLOCKS, AND I’LL MEET YOU AT THE CORNER.”
LET ME SEE YOUR TEXT.
Make a right on Mission, go three blocks, and I’ll meet you at the coroner.
SLIGHT TYPO.
OH, PLEASE, SINCE WHEN DO TYPOS MATTER?

WHEN YOU PUT ON SOCKS AND SHOES, DO YOU GO LEFT SOCK, LEFT SHOE, RIGHT SOCK, RIGHT SHOE?
OR... DO YOU GO LEFT SOCK, RIGHT SOCK, LEFT SHOE, RIGHT SHOE?
DOESN'T EVERYONE DO THE LATTER?
YES! AND IT'S... NOT... THE MOST... EFFICIENT... WAY...
AND I DON'T EVEN WEAR SHOES.

THE AVERAGE LIFE EXPECTANCY FOR AN AMERICAN MALE IS 77 YEARS. BUT THE AVERAGE FOR A JAPANESE MALE IS 94 YEARS.
SO?
SO I'M GONNA EAT POORLY, PARTY, AND SMOKE TIL I'M ONE DAY SHORT OF 77.
THEN FLEE TO JAPAN FOR SEVEN MORE BONUS YEARS!
I'M NOT SURE THAT'S HOW THAT WORKS.
IT'S LIKE I'VE FIGURED OUT EVERYTHING.

SEMINAR FOR THOSE WHO HAVE TROUBLE GETTING ALONG WITH OTHERS
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY EVERYTHING THAT POPS INTO YOUR HEAD.
MY LIFE JUST GOT SO MUCH EASIER.