Pearls Before Swine | Search

YOU'RE NOT A SOMEBODY UNTIL
YOU REFER TO YOURSELF IN
THE THIRD PERSON.
THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU A
SOMEBODY. IT JUST MAKES
YOU A SELF-CENTERED IDIOT.
YOU'VE UPSET THE RAT.

DON'T YOU WANT SOME BUTTER?
NO.
HOW 'BOUT EGGS?
NO.
LETTUCE?
NO.
YOU'RE STUCK IN THE REFRIGERATOR AGAIN, AREN'T YOU, PIG?
YEAH, BUT NOW I KNOW THE LITTLE LIGHT GOES OFF.

THE BEST PART ABOUT EATING AT
A CHINESE RESTAURANT IS THE
FORTUNE COOKIE AT THE END.
NOT FOR ME...I'M ALWAYS
AFRAID I'LL GET A BAD ONE.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS...LOOK AT
MINE... "FORTUNE WILL SMILE HER
SWEET SMILE UPON YOU."
HEH HEH
HOW ABOUT YOURS?
"FORTUNE WILL SPIT IN YOUR
EYE, YOU DUMB PIG."
MAYBE WE SHOULD EAT ITALIAN
NEXT TIME.

THERE'S A ZEBRA AT OUR FRONT DOOR WHO WANTS TO SELL US COOKIES.
COOKIES? WHY?
HE SAYS THE ZEBRAS ARE TIRED OF BEING EASY PREY, SO THEY'RE RAISING MONEY TO PURCHASE WEAPONS.
I'M SORRY, BUT MY FRIEND WOULD PREFER NOT TO UPSET NATURE'S DELICATE BALANCE.

SINCE MY FELLOW ZEBRAS CAN'T OUTRUN THE LIONS, I HIRED THEM A BUNCH OF SWIMMING INSTRUCTORS.
HOW'D YOU AFFORD THAT? AN ANONYMOUS DONOR.
COME TO PAPA.....

WHAT ARE YOU READING?

A BOOK ABOUT MINDREADING.

NO, IT'S NOT STUPID.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
A NATURE SHOW... THE LIONS ARE EATING THEIR PREY.
REST IN PEACE, UNCLE GUS.
YOU TAKE ALL THE FUN OUT OF THESE SHOWS.

OUR NEW NEIGHBORS, THE LITZMANS, ARE NUDISTS.
NUDISTS? HOW DO YOU KNOW?
HOW DO I KNOW? I WAS HIDING IN THEIR BUSHES STARING RIGHT INTO THEIR BEDROOM AND I SAW THEM... THAT'S HOW.
DO THEY KNOW THERE'S A TRESPASSING VOYEUR ON THEIR BLOCK?
GREAT... THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

LOOK... NEIGHBOR BOB AND HIS WIFE ARE GOING ON A LITTLE WEEKEND GETAWAY.
OH, WAIT... THEY SEEM TO BE YELLING.
THEY'RE GOING BACK IN THE HOUSE.
SHE HIT HIM WITH HER SHOE.
WOW, THEY ALMOST MADE IT OUT OF THE GARAGE THIS TIME.
THAT MARRIAGE COUNSELING IS REALLY WORKING.

DEAR LIONS, AS YOU MAY HAVE ASCERTAINED FROM OUR PRIOR CORRESPONDENCE, WE ZEBRAS ARE NOT PLEASED WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP.
WHILE WE RECOGNIZE AND RESPECT NATURE'S LAW, WE FEEL IT IS TIME TO MOVE TOWARD A HIGHER STATE OF CIVILIZATION...
...ONE IN WHICH THERE EXISTS A MUTUAL RESPECT FOR ONE ANOTHER'S NEEDS AND DIFFERENCES.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CONTINUE THIS DIALOGUE WITH SOME THOUGHTS OF YOUR OWN.
WE EAT YOU.
SIGH...

WHAT ARE YOU TWO GONNA ORDER TODAY?
CRACKERS.
ANYTHING ELSE?
WATER.
AND A MINT.
YOU KNOW, SOME OF OUR CUSTOMERS ACTUALLY ORDER FOOD THAT COSTS MONEY.
WE CAN'T EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.
I'LL GET THE CHECK.

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING A RUBBER CHICKEN?
I JUST LEARNED A VENTRILOQUIST ACT... LISTEN...
HELLO... I AM MIKEY... THE RUBBER CHICKEN... IT IS SO NICE TO MEET YOU, MISTER GOAT...
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO MOVE YOUR LIPS.
I THOUGHT IT SEEMED TOO EASY.

WHERE'S PIG?
PERFORMING HIS VENTRILOQUIST ACT.
I'LL NEVER WORK... YOU CAN TOTALLY SEE HIS LIPS MOVING.
I THINK HE'S TRYING TO WORK AROUND THE PROBLEM.
I DON'T GET IT, MAMA.... WHAT'S A COMATOSE CHICKEN?

WANT TO SEE MY VENTRILOQUIST ACT?
MAYBE WHEN YOU GET A BETTER PUPPET. THAT THING IS PATHETIC.
I KINDA LIKE IT.
HEY... THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.
WHAT WAS PRETTY GOOD?
JUST LOSE THE PIG, BUDDY.

IS YOUR VENTRILOQUIST ACT GETTING ANY BETTER?
A LITTLE.
THE KEY IS THROWING YOUR VOICE SO WELL THAT IT SOUNDS LIKE IT'S COMING FROM THE CHICKEN.
ARE YOU ANY GOOD YET?
NO.

MY DREAM IS TO SPEND MY LIFE SIPPING WINE IN SOME PARISIAN CAFE... FAMOUS, FAT AND HAPPY.
BUT WHO'LL DO YOUR LAUNDRY?
MY LAUNDRY? WHO CARES? I'M SIPPING WINE IN PARIS.
YOU'RE GONNA SMELL BAD.
I'LL SIT BY MYSELF.

....AND ANOTHER THING, YOU DUMB PIG....
FLOP!
ROLL
ROLL
ROLL
ROLL ROLL
THAT PILLBUG TRICK DOESN'T WORK FOR PIGS.
*SIGH.*

DEAR JESSE JACKSON,
EVERY TIME YOU SPEAK,
YOU SAY, "KEEP HOPE
ALIVE."
WHO IS THIS "HOPE" GUY,
AND HOW SICK IS HE?
BOB HOPE, YOU DUMB PIG.
OH, HE'S FUNNY... I
HOPE HE MAKES IT.

YOU SURE SPEND A LOT OF TIME ON THOSE ONLINE AUCTION SITES... WHAT ARE YOU BUYING?
A WHOLE PIG... FOR JUST FIVE BUCKS.
WOW. THINK OF ALL THAT BACON.
YOU SURE SPEND A LOT OF TIME ON THOSE ONLINE AUCTION SITES... WHAT ARE YOU SELLING?
NOTHING.

WHEN LIONS EAT ZEBRAS, DO THEY EAT EVERY BIT OF YOU?
NO, THEY LEAVE SOME FOR THE HYENAS, WHO LEAVE SOME FOR THE VULTURES.
IT MUST BE NICE TO SEE EVERYONE SHARING LIKE THAT.

I HAVE FOUNDED A NEW PHILOSOPHY. IT'S CALLED CHEEZEPUFFOLOGY.
WHAT IS IT?
THE FUNDAMENTAL TENET IS
THAT NOTHING YOU DREAM
EVER COMES TRUE, SO YOU
MIGHT AS WELL LIVE IN FRONT
OF YOUR TV AND SCARF
CHEEZE-PUFFS.
HOW WILL ONE RECOGNIZE A CHEEZEPUFFOLOGIST?
WE'LL BE THE FAT
GUYS WITH THE
ORANGE FINGERS.

THE AMERICAN DREAM HAS COME TRUE... THERE IS NOW A VIDEO STORE ON EVERY BLOCK.
THAT'S ODD... I NEVER KNEW THAT WAS THE DREAM.
WELL, NOW YOU KNOW.
I FEEL A STRANGE SENSE OF EMPTINESS.
TIME TO RENT A VIDEO.

TWO ROADS DIVERGED IN A WOOD, AND I--I TOOK THE ONE LESS TRAVELED BY."
BET HIS WIFE YELLED AT HIM.

LADYBUG, LADYBUG, FLY AWAY HOME YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE AND YOUR CHILDREN ARE
ALL RIGHT... WHY DON’T YOU JUST STOP RIGHT THERE?
FIRST OFF, I LIVE IN A CONDO, NOT A ‘HOUSE.’ SECOND, I INSTALLED AUTOMATIC SPRINKLERS LAST YEAR. THIRD, MY KIDS ARE AT DAY CARE, OKAY?
FOURTH, IF I MAY BE FRANK, I REALLY DON’T APPRECIATE A DUMPY, OBSCENELY OVERWEIGHT PIG ATTEMPTING IN INFLECT UNNECESSARY STRESS UPON ME.
SO, YOU STUPID PIG, I’D LIKE YOU TO MEET MORTON, MY ATTORNEY, WHO WILL NOW SUE YOU FOR INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS.
SUE THE PIG, MORTON.
SUMMONS, PIG... YOU’RE GOING DOWN.
CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

JOURNAL OF A PIG
by PIG
NO ONE WANTS TO READ A
BOOK BY SOMEONE NAMED
"PIG." YOU'D BETTER USE
A PEN NAME.
JOURNAL OF A
PIG
by BIC