Pearls Before Swine | Search

THANKS FOR COMING IN FOR THIS JOB INTERVIEW... TELL ME--WHAT ARE YOUR CAREER GOALS?
TO DO THE BARE MINIMUM NECESSARY TO KEEP MY JOB, THEN LOWER THAT AMOUNT EVERY YEAR UNTIL ONE DAY I CAN RETIRE.
NO ONE REWARDS HONESTY.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS. HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND HUMANITY.
OF COURSE, MY SON...ALL PEOPLE CAN BE CLASSIFIED INTO ONE OF FOUR QUADRANTS
WHICH LOOK LIKE THIS...
WE LOVE GROUP (A), TOLERATE GROUP (B) AND PITY GROUP (C).
THAT ALL SOUNDS GOOD. BUT WHAT ABOUT THIS GROUP? (D) THE DUMB AND ARROGANT.
I KNOW WHO'S BEEN RUNNING OUR LIVES.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
HELPING A FRIEND OF MINE. HANG ON.
LISTEN, I KNOW YOU HAVE A SHOW TO DO, BUT BEING SUPER NERVOUS DOESN'T HELP. JUST RELAX AND TAKE A REALLY DEEP BREATH.
AAAAAAUGH
FORGOT HE'S A FIRE BREATHER.

HEY, BURT THE BEAR. HOW GOES IT?
NOT SO GOOD. I HAVE A HEADACHE.
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE SOME ASPIRIN?
I DID. BUT IT HURTS MY STOMACH, SO I TAKE AS LITTLE AS NECESSARY.
THE BAYER BEAR BARE MINIMUM?
AND I GET PAID FOR THIS.

WELL, I SURE HAD A PRODUCTIVE DAY.
TERRIFIC. WHAT DID YOU DO?
SAT AROUND ALL DAY COMPLAINING ABOUT THE BEHAVIOR OF OTHERS.
YOU SHOULD BE SO PROUD.
REALLY, WHAT DID WE DO BEFORE SOCIAL MEDIA?

RAT'S TAKING A COURSE ON 19TH CENTURY AMERICAN HISTORY.
THAT'S GREAT.
IT'S SO IMPORTANT FOR EACH OF US TO LEARN OUR NATION'S HISTORY AND —
I'M TAKING YOUR DONUTS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
GOD WANTS ME TO HAVE THEM. IT'S MY MANIFEST DESTINY.
SOME PEOPLE ARE BEST LEFT IGNORANT.

DID YOU HEAR THEY RENAMED THE GULF OF MEXICO THE 'GULF OF AMERICA'?
YEAH. I'M PRETTY UPSET ABOUT THAT.
YOU ARE?
YEAH. SO I CHANGED THE MAP.
PLACE ABOVE AMERICA
AMERICA
PLACE BELOW AMERICA
YOU'RE UPSET THEY DIDN'T GO FURTHER.
I'M CALLING FRANCE 'PLACE WITH THE OTHER DISNEYLAND.'

HI, CONNIE THE CONJUGAL SHEEP. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I THOUGHT I'D GRAB SOME COFFEE BEFORE SEEING MY HUBBY.
I THOUGHT HE WAS IN PRISON.
HE IS. BUT THEY LET ME VISIT HIM ONCE A MONTH.
CONJUGAL VISITS.
YOU SHOULD BE BEHIND BARS.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, LITTLE PIGGY. I'M THE BIG BAD WOLF. I'M HERE TO HUFF AND PUFF AND BLOW YOUR HOUSE DOWN.
WHAA HAHA HAHA. UM. WE NEED TO DO A HARD RESET HERE.
WHO ARE YOU?
SKIP PASTORUS THE PERSON WHO PREVENTS WHAT HUFFING AND CONDUCT ARE NO LONGER SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE. AND YOUR THREAT IS A TROUBLING MICRO-AGGRESSION FILLED WITH TOXIC MASCULINITY.
MOCCUR, YOU'RE USING ALL OF THE PC SPEAK WITH SUCH LOSS IMPLICIT AND EXPLICIT BIAS BORROWING AN LGBT TWEET.
WHAT DOES ALL THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS YOU'RE BEING CANCELED. YOU WILL BE REMOVED FROM THIS COMIC AND ALL FUTURE EDITIONS OF THE 'THREE LITTLE PIGS.'
CHICKENS! SAVE ME! YOU ARE MY ONLY HOPE!
WHAT YEAR DID YOU THINK THIS WAS?

HEY, PIG. HAVEN'T SEEN YOUR DAD HERE LATELY. WHERE'S HE BEEN?
HALFWAY HOME.
OH, I DIDN'T KNOW. DID HE JUST GET OUT OF PRISON OR A REHAB FACILITY?
HE'S WALKING BACK FROM WORK AND IS HALFWAY HOME.
YOU SHOULD BE IN A FACILITY.

HEY, PIG, HOW'S YOUR DAD BEEN DOING?
OH, YOU DIDN'T HEAR? HE'S BEHIND BARS.
OH, MY GOSH, PIG...I DIDN'T KNOW...WHAT HAPPENED?
HE GOT A JOB AS A BARTENDER.
YOU REALLY OVERREACT TO THINGS.

BEHOLD! MY GRAND BOOK OF PHILOSOPHY THAT I FINALLY WROTE AFTER STUDYING ALL THE PHILOSOPHERS OF THE PAST AND ADDING IN MY OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCES.
CAN I SEE IT?
SURE.
If it feels good, do it.
THAT'S THE WHOLE BOOK.
I THREW IN A DRAWING OF A BEER.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO TODAY?
PROBABLY JUST WALK, READ, WRITE.
SOMETIMES I SEE HOW MUCH TIME YOU SPEND BY YOURSELF AND I FEEL A LITTLE BAD.
I DO, TOO.
NO ONE ELSE GETS TO SPEND TIME WITH SOMEONE AS INTERESTING AND WITTY AS ME.
NOT WHAT I MEANT.
WAIT 'TIL I HEAR THE WITTY THING I SAY NEXT.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, I'M PHIL THE FIX-IT GUY. IF YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING BROKEN, I CAN FIX IT.
I DO. A GIRL SHATTERED MY HEART INTO A THOUSAND PIECES.
FIX-IT GUYS HAVE REAL LIMITATIONS.

WHO YOU TALKING TO, RAT?
BOMBCAST CABLE. I'VE BEEN ON HOLD FOR TWO HOURS.
BOMBCAST CABLE, HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
FINALLY... YEAH... I WANT TO CANCEL CABLE.
MAY I ASK WHY?
BECAUSE YOU CHARGE $200 A MONTH FOR CHANNELS I DON'T WATCH.
AND I FOUND A STREAMING PACKAGE WITH LIVE TV FOR JUST $70. THAT'S A SAVINGS OF $130. SO STICK IT IN YOUR EAR.
WELL NOW, SIR, YOU ALSO PAY $100 A MONTH FOR INTERNET. SHOULD WE CANCEL THAT AS WELL?
WELL, NO. YOU'RE THE ONLY COMPANY IN MY AREA THAT OFFERS IT. AND WITHOUT IT, I CAN'T GET THE STREAMING PACKAGE.
ONE THAT SAVES YOU $130 A MONTH?
RIGHT. I...
YOU'RE NOW GONNA CHARGE ME $230 A MONTH FOR INTERNET, AREN'T YOU?
YOU BET YOUR SWEET, TINY RAT FACE WE ARE. AND WHO'S YOUR DADDY NOW.
CABLE COMPANIES HAVE TOO MUCH POWER.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT BLOWING A BUNCH OF CASH AT THIS PATIO BAR TODAY, BUT NOW I'M THINKING THAT MAYBE I SHOULDN'T.
YEAH, LIKE THEY SAY, SAVE THAT CASH FOR A RAINY DAY.
SO SAVE THAT CASH FOR A MISERABLE WEATHER DAY WHEN I CAN'T GO DRINK AT A PATIO BAR, MUCH LESS DO HALF THE THINGS I ENJOY DOING IN LIFE?
IT IS AN ODD SAYING.
THE WORLD'S LEAST HELPFUL.

HI, GUYS... I DON'T WANT TO BRAG OR ANYTHING, BUT I THINK I HAVE A LOT OF RIZZ.
WHAT'S THAT?
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S A NEW WORD THAT THE HIP KIDS ARE USING. IT'S SHORT FOR "CHARISMA."
THAT'S WHAT THAT MEANS?
YEAH, BUT WHAT IT ALSO MEANS IS THAT BY APPEARING IN THIS COMIC STRIP, IT IS OFFICIALLY NO LONGER HIP.
YOU THROWING SHADE ON MY RIZZ?
PLEASE STOP KILLING OUR MODERN LEXICON.

I'VE FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY.
AND WHAT IS THAT?
HALF THE COUNTRY WANTS CONVERSATIONS THAT COME WITH TRIGGER WARNINGS, AND THE OTHER HALF WANTS THINGS THAT COME WITH TRIGGERS.
IT CONCERNS ME WHEN YOUR RAMBLINGS MAKE SENSE.
I'M THE PROPHET OF THE COMICS PAGE.

HEY, GOAT, WHO'S YOUR FRIEND THERE?
GEOLOGY PROFESSOR GREG.
HE'S POINTING OUT ALL
OUR FAULTS.
CRACK
NO ONE NEEDS THAT.

USE-ASS
NO-MORE
CAVE
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, IS THERE ANY FATE WORSE THAN DEATH?
HAVING TO LIVE FOREVER.
THAT DOES SEEM RATHER TAXING.

HI. I'M THE C.E.O. OF STARBUCKS AND I NEED TO BUY A MEDIUM SHIRT RATHER QUICKLY.
SORRY, WE DON'T HAVE ANY.
HOW CAN YOU NOT HAVE ANY MEDIUM SHIRTS?
WE JUST DON'T. BUT WE DO HAVE A GRANDE, VENTI AND TALL IF YOU CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT THAT MEANS.
NOT SO FUNNY WHEN YOU'RE ON THE RECEIVING END OF THOSE DUMB SIZES, IS IT, STARBUCKS GUY??
I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM ALL 38,000 STARBUCKS.

BOARDING PASS, PLEASE.
SORRY, SIR. WE DON’T ALLOW DOGS ON THE PLANE.
HE’S AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT DOG.
DO YOU HAVE DOCUMENTATION FOR THAT?
I DIDN'T KNOW I NEEDED IT.
YOU DO, SIR. OTHERWISE, HOW WOULD WE KNOW THAT’S AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT DOG?
OH, HANG ON.
I’M SO DEPRESSED… I HAVE NO JOB, NO SAVINGS AND NOBODY TO LOVE.
MY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT DOG HAS BEEN REJECTED.

I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS.
WHAT'S THE BAD NEWS?
OUR HOUSE BLEW UP, THERE'S NOTHING LEFT OF IT, AND NOW WE'RE HOMELESS.
WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS?
I FOUND THE MISSING KEY TO OUR BACK DOOR.
FEELS LIKE YOU'RE FOCUSING ON THE NEGATIVE.

WELCOME TO THE BAR, SIR. TODAY'S MY FIRST DAY.
GIMME A BOURBON ON THE ROCKS. SPLASH OF WATER.
I'M NO LONGER EMPLOYED AS A BARTENDER.

MEN AT
WORK
WAS
A BAND
FROM THE
1980s
AND IF
YOU KNOW
THAT, YOU'RE
PROBABLY OVER 50
AND ARE WONDERING
HOW YOUR LIFE
WENT BY SO
FAST
SOME ROAD SIGNS YOU JUST DON'T NEED.