Pearls Before Swine | Search

Dear God,
I think when people are young, you should give them the minds of old people. And when they're old, give them the minds of young people.
That way, when someone's young body is capable of doing stupid things, they have an older person's brain that knows better.
And when they're older and have stupid ideas, their old bodies will prevent them from happening.
I'VE PERFECTED HUMANKIND.

HI, ARE YOU MS. ROBERTS?
CALL ME U.R. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
I HEAR YOU WEIGH PEOPLE TO DETERMINE BODY FAT.
YES, WE OFFER THAT, MASSAGES, AND ACUPUNCTURE.
AND IF YOU’RE WORRIED ABOUT WEIGHT LOSS, ONE HIGH PROTEIN/LOW FAT FOOD OPTION IS EWE MEAT. ANYHOW, WHICH OF OUR SERVICES WOULD YOU LIKE?
I LOVE EWE. JUST THE WEIGH, U.R.
WE DID START THE FIRE.

Dear Diary, Why do I always fail at everything I try?
MAYBE BECAUSE YOU SIT HERE WHINING TO A BOOK INSTEAD OF GETTING OFF YOUR BIG, LAZY BUTT?
I NEED A MORE SUPPORTIVE DIARY.

HOW MUCH WAS THE WATER BILL THIS MONTH?
I THINK IT WAS $67.
6-7!
6-7!
WHAT THE G#$% ARE YOU DOING?
IT'S THIS THING YOUNG PEOPLE DO NOW WHENEVER THEY HEAR THE NUMBERS 6-7. IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY MEANING, BUT I FIGURE IT WILL MAKE MY COMIC MORE POPULAR WITH THE YOUTH!
WELL, THAT TREND IS OVER.

YOU KNOW, BOB, I REALLY DON'T FEEL LIKE GOING TO THE GYM TODAY. SHOULD I GO?
SKIP
I'M SURPRISED TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT, BOB, GIVEN HOW FIT YOU ARE.
SKIP.
BUT BOB —
MY @*۩#&* NAME ISN'T BOB! IT'S SKIP!
I'M THINKING NO ONE SHOULD HAVE THAT NAME.

HI. WELCOME TO HELL.
HELL? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?
UNNECESSARILY REPLYING "THANKS" OR "GREAT" TO EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON A GROUP EMAIL OR TEXT.
THAT CAN GET YOU SENT TO HELL?
SURELY YOU DIDN'T THINK YOU PEOPLE WENT TO HEAVEN.
IT'S SAD WHEN I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THAT.

DO YOU EVER TELL ANYONE YOUR DEEPEST DARKEST SECRETS?
NO... THE ONLY PLACE I PUT THEM IS IN MY DIARY.
WHY YOUR DIARY?
BECAUSE PEOPLE BLAB. DIARIES DON'T.
HEY, MARTY, GUESS WHAT THE MOPEY PIG SAID TODAY.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA GET TO DRINK, GOAT?
I THINK I'LL GET ONE OF THESE MOCKTAILS.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S A COCKTAIL, BUT WITHOUT THE ALCOHOL.
IT'S LIKE ORDERING A CUP OF COFFEE, BUT WITHOUT THE COFFEE.
I DON'T THINK I'LL ORDER THAT.
THINK OF DISNEYLAND, BUT WITHOUT THE RIDES.

HELLO. WELCOME TO THE PEARLY GATES.
WHO ARE YOU?
I'M SAINT PETER. YOU'VE JUST DIED.
SO WHAT HAPPENS NOW?
I LOOK IN THE BOOK OF JUDGMENT AND SEE WHAT KIND OF LIFE YOU LED.
AND THEN WHAT?
WELL, IF YOU LED A VIRTUOUS LIFE, I LET YOU IN. OTHERWISE, YOU GO TO THE WARM PLACE.
IS THAT WHAT ALL THOSE OTHER PEOPLE ARE WAITING FOR?
WHICH OTHER PEOPLE?
HEY! YOU! GET THE $@%# OUT OF THERE!!
AND THAT'S YOUR PLAN FOR GETTING INTO HEAVEN?
DECEPTION IS THE KEY TO ETERNAL LIFE.

HEY, OLLIE OYSTER! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU CAME TO THIS SINGLES BAR!
YEP. JUST LOOKING FOR SOME COMPANY.
DO YOU PREFER GUYS OR GIRLS?
I'M A BIVALVE.
THAT MEANS HE SWINGS BOTH WAYS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
WRITING THANK YOU NOTES. I'M TRYING TO GET IN THE HABIT. YOU KNOW, TO BE POLITE. THIS ONE'S FOR MY AUNT.
AWWW... THAT'S VERY SWEET... CAN I SEE IT?
SURE.
Dear Aunt Mary,
Thank you for having lunch with me today and being less annoying than you normally are.
HOW THOUGHTFUL.
IT COMES SURPRISINGLY NATURAL TO ME.

WHATCHA READING, RAT?
A BOOK ON BIRDS.
WHAT KIND OF BIRD IS THAT?
A TITMOUSE. HE LIVES ON THE SHORES OF LAKE TITICACA.
ENJOYING YOUR IMMATURE LITTLE LARK?
LARK? IT'S A TIT-MOUSE.
STOP!

RAT CONDUCTS PARENT TEACHER CONFERENCES...
THANKS FOR COMING IN TO TALK ABOUT LITTLE TIMMY, WHO WOULD REALLY BENEFIT FROM ONE-ON-ONE SUPPORT IN COMPLETING COGNITIVE TASKS.
HOW 'BOUT YOU STOP WITH ALL THE TEACHER MUMBO-JUMBO AND TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY?
HE'S DUMB AS ROCKS.
TEACHERS SPEAK EUPHEMIST-ICALLY FOR A REASON.

HEY, ENRIQUE. CAN YOU HELP ME WITH MY SPANISH? MY WORD OF THE DAY IS ‘TÚ’ THE WORD FOR ‘YOU.’
CAN’T. I’M HEADED TO THE BACLERINA SUPPLY STORE. YOU KNOW–THAT SECOND STORE THEY OPENED?
’TUTU 2’? I’M HEADED THERE ALSO.
TÚ TO ’TUTU 2’ TOO?
NOW SPANISH SPEAKERS HATE TÚ, TOO.

HISTORY 101 EXAM
Name three great generals in American history.
General store
General Electric
General Hospital
I JUST NEED ONE MORE YEAR FOR MY FULL PENSION.
IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

WHAT THE G#*%@ ARE YOU DOING?
SUCKING THE SEEDS OUT OF RYE BREAD.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT FOR?
IT'S A GREAT WAY TO GET THE PROTEIN WITHOUT THE CARBS. I DO IT WITH WHOLE WHEAT BREAD ALSO.
OH, YEAH. IT WORKS. CAN I TRY SUCKING THE SEEDS FROM THE WHOLE WHEAT?
YEAH, BUT IT CAN BE REALLY HARD TO GET THE SEEDS OUT OF WHOLE WHEAT.
YEAH. I'M NOT GETTING ANY SEEDS OUT OF THIS ONE... WHAT SHOULD I DO?
WELL, IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCK SEED TRY RYE AGAIN.
ON STRIKE
WILL WORK FOR DIGNITY

HEY, GOAT. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE AMERICAN PATRIOTS WHO STARTED THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR IN YORKTOWN, VIRGINIA?
CONCORD MASSACHUSETTS.
NO!
WHAT?
CONQUERED MASSACHUSETTS?
YES.
AND HERE I THOUGHT WE WERE FIGHTING ENGLAND.
I NEVER KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

THIS ARTICLE SAYS THAT A MAJORITY OF GERMAN MEN RELIEVE THEMSELVES SITTING DOWN.
ISN'T THAT ODD? I DON'T KNOW EVEN ONE AMERICAN MAN WHO DOES THAT.
THERE ARE SOME THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT A GUY.
WIVES APPRECIATE THE LITTLE THINGS!
HOW LITTLE OF A THING?

WHAT'S THAT, RAT?
IT'S AN AMAZING CHART BREAKING DOWN MY EMOTIONS AFTER SPENDING MY FREE TIME ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
PERCENTAGE BREAKDOWN OF MY EMOTIONS AFTER BEING ON SOCIAL MEDIA
Depressed 46%
Insecure 45%
Alienated 9%
THOSE EFFECTS ARE PRETTY WELL-KNOWN, SO WHAT'S THE AMAZING PART?
THE BREAKDOWN OF HOW I'LL SPEND MY FREE TIME TOMORROW.
BEING ON SOCIAL MEDIA 97%
MAYBE THINKING ABOUT NOT BEING ON SOCIAL MEDIA 3%
SCIENCE HAS NO EXPLANATION.

WHY DO SO MANY PEOPLE WANT TO COME TO THIS COUNTRY?
BECAUSE DESPITE ALL OUR PROBLEMS, WE'RE STILL THE LAND OF OPPORTUNITY, AND PEOPLE WANT TO BE A PART OF THAT.
SO THAT'S WHERE THAT EXPRESSION COMES FROM.
WHAT EXPRESSION?
IMMIGRATION IS THE SINCEREST FORM OF FLATTERY.
SOMETIMES HIS STUPIDITY LEADS TO BRILLIANCE.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, I'M BOTHERED BY PEOPLE ON MY COMMUTE. PEOPLE AT WORK. PEOPLE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD. WHAT DO I DO?
THE KEY IS TO MAKE SO MUCH MONEY YOU CAN FLY OFF AND DO WHATEVER YOU WANT AND NOT BE DEPENDENT ON ANYONE.
AMAZING! THANK YOU.
EXACTLY HOW DO I DO THAT?
THAT'S WHERE I ALWAYS GET STUCK.

HI. WELCOME TO HELL.
HELL. HUH? HOW OFTEN DO YOU HAVE ALL OF THESE FLAMES?
ALL THE TIME. IT'S HELL.
OKAY, OKAY... GOT A SKEWER AND A BAG OF MARSHMALLOWS?
ACTUALLY, I DO.
TERRIFIC. YOU HAVE YOURSELF A GREAT MONDAY.
GOTTA APPRECIATE A GOOD ATTITUDE.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
MY NEW INVENTION, RoCo... IT STANDS FOR 'ROBOT CONGRESSMAN.'
WHAT DOES IT DO?
NOT MUCH. WHICH IS THE POINT. SINCE EVERYONE IN CONGRESS VOTES HOWEVER THEIR PARTY TELLS THEM TO, I PROGRAMMED RoCo TO DO THE SAME.
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, YOU JUST TELL RoCo HOW HIS PARTY VOTED AND HE DOES THE REST. HERE, WATCH...
HEY, RoCo, YOUR PARTY'S VOTING 'YES' ON A BILL. HOW WILL YOU VOTE?
I will vote yes.
OH NO, RoCo, YOUR PARTY'S NOW VOTING 'NO.' HOW WILL YOU VOTE?
I will vote no.
SEE? SINCE HE DOES EXACTLY WHAT HUMAN CONGRESSMEN DO, WE CAN JUST USE ROBOTS FROM NOW ON.
Now hand me the bribes.
CAMPAIGN DONATIONS! WE CALL THEM CAMPAIGN DONATIONS!
WE'RE STILL WORKING OUT A FEW KINKS.

HEY, STEPH. HOW OLD ARE YOU NOW?
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'M 58.
OH, I BELIEVE IT.
THAT'S NOT HOW MOST PEOPLE ANSWER.
DO MOST PEOPLE SAY, YOU MUST MEAN SIXTY-EIGHT?
I NEVER IMPROVE HIS DAY.

WHEN YOU'RE ON A HIGHWAY, WHAT LANE DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE IN?
WHAT DOES THAT MATTER?
IT'S MY WAY OF SEPARATING THOSE PEOPLE WHO LEAD A HIGH-OCTANE LIFE FROM THOSE WHO DON'T.
AH...WELL, I PREFER THE SLOW LANE. SO I PRESUME YOU CHOOSE THE FAST LANE?
OPPOSING LANE.
GET HELP.
I'M NEVER BORED.