Pearls Before Swine | Search

TODAY HAS BEEN LOUSY.
YOU KNOW, RAT, YOU SHOULD TAKE A MOMENT TO TRY AND COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS.
One plus one... Carry the two... Then...
TOTAL BLESSINGS -14
NO WONDER I'M SO MISERABLE.

WELL, I HAD ALL OF THESE FOLD-OUT MAPS IN THE TRUNK.
AND A BOUND BOOK OF MAPS CALLED A 'THOMAS GUIDE.'
AND IF I GOT IN AN UNFAMILIAR CITY, I GOT FREE MAPS AT THE AAA OFFICE.
THEN THE PERSON IN THE PASSENGER SEAT WOULD LOOK AT THEM AND TRY TO TELL YOU WHICH WAY TO GO.
AND IF ALL THAT FAILED, YOU COULD ASK FOR HELP FROM A GAS STATION SERVICE ATTENDANT ... I SEE A QUESTION.
MY FRIENDS AND I WERE WONDERING IF YOU HAD ELECTRICITY BACK THEN.
YES, WE HAD ELECTRICITY, YOU BRAT.
AND THAT'S WHY I DON'T TALK TO YOUNG PEOPLE.
NOW GO EXPLAIN BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO STORES!

HEY, RAT, WE’VE GOT ALL THESE OLD CORDS AND CABLES IN THE JUNK DRAWER... I’M JUST GONNA GET RID OF THEM.
THAT’S FINE.
OH MY GAWD, I’M HAVING AN EMERGENCY AND THIS OLD PHONE FROM THE 1990s IS THE ONLY WAY TO REACH THE OUTSIDE WORLD!! I NEED THE CORD OR WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!
THESE THINGS HAPPEN.

Dear God,
My eventual death will make a whole lot of people very, very sad.

And I don't want to make anyone sad.

So when it comes time for me to die, make sure they die too.

NO NEED TO THANK ME.

I'M TAKING A COURSE ON DISPUTE RESOLUTION. ONE OF THE THINGS THEY TEACH US IS TO BEGIN SENTENCES WITH THE PHRASE, "I FEEL LIKE"...
WHAT FOR?
MAKES ALL YOUR STATEMENTS LESS CONFRONTATIONAL. YOU SHOULD TRY IT SOMETIME.
I FEEL LIKE
YOU'RE A MORON.
NOT HOW THAT GOES.
DISPUTE RESOLVED.

HEY, GOAT, DID YOU GET A CHANCE TO LOOK AT THE BOOK I WROTE?
I DID.
I THOUGHT IT WAS INTERESTING.
WE CREATIVE TYPES KNOW INSULTS WHEN WE HEAR THEM.

HEY, DO YOU WANT TO SEE MY NEW MASTER BEDROOM?
'PRIMARY' BEDROOM. THE WORD 'MASTER' IS OFFENSIVE.
PRIMARY BEDROOM.
'MAIN' BEDROOM. THE TERM 'PRIMARY' IS OFFENSIVE TO PRIMARY SCHOOL STUDENTS.
I'M GONNA JUST STOP TALKING.
THAT PROBABLY OFFENDED SOMEONE.

New Exercise Regimen
1) Drive to the gym first thing every single morning.
2) Drive straight back home because who wants to work out first thing in the morning.
AT LEAST IT'S SOMETHING

HEY, PAL, CAN I HAVE THIS TABLE?
SORRY, I'M SITTING HERE.
YEAH, BUT YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IT HAS THE LITTLE DISABLED SYMBOL ON IT AND YOU DON'T APPEAR TO HAVE A DISABILITY.
AND YOU HAVE A DISABILITY?
I DO.
WHAT ARE YOU UNABLE TO DO?
THRIVE IN A WORLD FILLED WITH IDIOTS.
TECHNICALLY NOT A DISABILITY.

DID YOU HEAR THEY OPENED UP ANOTHER STARBUCKS DOWNTOWN?
WHERE AT?
IN ANOTHER STARBUCKS.
THAT FEELS LIKE TOO MANY.
IT'S ACROSS THE STREET FROM A STARBUCKS.

Dear God,
As you may have heard, people on earth fear death.
This is mostly due to the fact that when you die, you're gone forever.
Please consider making death temporary.
I'M HOPING HE'S OPEN TO NEW IDEAS.

HI, CAN I GET SOME WATER?
OH, AND IF YOU DON'T MIND, HEAT IT UP AND RUN IT THROUGH SOME GROUND-UP COFFEE BEANS AND PUT THE WHOLE THING IN A RECEPTACLE WITH A FLAT BOTTOM.
SO YOU WANT A CUP OF COFFEE?
YES.
I LIKE TO MAKE EVERYTHING MORE DIFFICULT.

WELL, NEXT WEEK IS MY CONFIRMATION IN FRONT OF LOTS OF FOLKS.
YOU’RE CATHOLIC?
NO.
THEN WHAT ARE THEY CONFIRMING?
THAT I’M AS DUMB AS EVERYONE THINKS I AM.
I’M MASTER OF CEREMONIES.
I SEE.
I’LL LEAVE NO DOUBT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING RAT?
WRITING A LETTER TO A FRIEND IN PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA, BUT I THINK HE'S AT HIS HOME IN GETTYSBURG.
WHY DON'T YOU WRITE HIM AT HIS HOUSE THERE?
I FORGOT THAT GETTYSBURG ADDRESS.
IF TODAY'S "JOKE" IS YOU GIVING THAT STUPID SPEECH, I WILL PUMMEL YOU WITH BOTH FISTS.
I DIDN'T WANT TO START ANOTHER CIVIL WAR.

HI... CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, I'M PIG AND I'M HERE TO DO A WELLNESS CHECK.
WHY? DID YOU HEAR I WAS GOING THROUGH SOME DIFFICULT TIMES?
NO, BUT YOU'RE ALIVE ON THIS EARTH AND THAT CAN BE DIFFICULT ENOUGH.
ONLY EIGHT BILLION MORE PEOPLE TO GO.

HEY, NEIGHBOR MARCY, I MISSED THAT PLAY ON TV. DID YOU SEE HOW MANY RUNNERS SCORED?
FOUR.
THANKS... HEY, WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY. I TALK ABOUT BEING A GO-GO DANCER FOR SEVEN YEARS.
MY DAD'S LIFE WAS EVEN MORE IMPRESSIVE. HE AND MY FRIENDS' FATHER DEDICATED THEIR LIVES TO SAVING GNUS.
WHAT DID THEY SAVE THEM FROM?
WELL, IN NORTH AMERICA, THEY BOUGHT FOUR ACRES OF LAND FOR GNUS SO THE GNUS CAN BE PROTECTED ON THEIR VERY OWN NATION.
SORRY, MARCY. I WAS ON THE PHONE AND MISSED EVERYTHING YOU SAID ABOUT THE GAME, AND HOW LONG YOU'RE A GO-GO DANCER, AND HOW MANY ACRES YOUR DAD AND YOUR FRIENDS' DAD BOUGHT.
FOUR SCORED... AND SEVEN YEARS A GO-GO GO-GO DANCER, OUR FATHERS, BROUGHT FORTH ON THIS CONTINENT, A GNU NATION.
YOU SHOULD FIND YOURSELF A NEW NATION.

THANKS FOR COMING IN TO THIS INTERVIEW TODAY... I ALWAYS LIKE TO BEGIN WITH THIS QUESTION...
TELL ME ABOUT A TIME YOU OVERCAME A DIFFICULT SITUATION.
GETTING OUT OF BED TO COME TO THIS STUPID INTERVIEW.
I DIDN'T GET THE JOB.

...YEAH, AND IF YOU TAKE MY SPOT AGAIN, THINGS ARE GONNA GET PHYSICAL REAL FAST!
OH, YEAH? I COULD KICK YOUR PUNY LITTLE
I'LL BASH IN YOUR WINDSHIELD YOU LOUDMOUTH!!!
WE BOTH WANTED THE SAME PARKING SPOT AT CHURCH.

HEY, PIGITA, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
NOT SO GOOD.
I'VE HAD A LIFETIME OF MAKING PAINTINGS AND SCULPTURES AND HAVE EVEN WRITTEN A BODY OF POETRY AND I HAVE NO MONEY TO SHOW FOR IT.
HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT SELLING YOUR BODY?
SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T LIKE ENCOURAGEMENT.

HEY, YOU MIND LEAVING THE ROOM? I HAVE SOMETHING TO ASK SIRI.
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? I ASK SIRI STUFF ALL THE TIME.
OKAY, FINE.
HEY, SIRI...WHAT YEAR IS THIS?
GET HELP.
I ASKED YOU TO LEAVE!

DID YOU SEE THOSE TWO AIRPLANES HAD A NEAR-MISS?
SO THEY HIT EACH OTHER?
NO.
SO IT WAS AN ACTUAL MISS?
I HATE IT WHEN YOU'RE RIGHT.
ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY 'NEAR HIT'?

Dear Sirs,
I recently bought one of your guns to protect our house from home invasion.
Last night we had a home invasion and the weapon failed to protect us.
In fact, it gave out free clothing.
HE BOUGHT A T-SHIRT CANNON.

HEY THERE, GOAT.
HELLO, NEIGHBOR NANCY.
HOW'S YOUR DAY GOING?
GOOD, GOOD.
WARM WEATHER WE'VE BEEN HAVING, HUH?
SURE IS.
GOT ANY PLANS FOR THE SUMMER?
NOPE. NO PLANS.
GOODNESS, I'M JUST GOING ON AND ON. I SHOULD GIVE SOMEONE ELSE A CHANCE TO TALK... HAHAHA...
IN 1867, ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S SON ROBERT FELT OUT OF SOME RAILROAD TRACKS AND THE MAN WHO REACHED DOWN AND SAVED HIS LIFE WAS THE BROTHER OF JOHN WILKES BOOTH.
I SHOULD GET GOING.
I'M POOR AT SMALL TALK.

THANKS FOR GOING OUT WITH ME, LINDA. THIS IS MY FIRST TINDER DATE IN A LONG TIME.
NO PROBLEM, PIG. AND IN TERMS OF LIKES AND DISLIKES, I'M REALLY NOT INTO PEOPLE WHO HAVE A LOT OF BAGGAGE. HOW ARE YOU IN THAT DEPARTMENT?
I HAVE SO MUCH BAGGAGE I COME WITH MY OWN BAGGAGE HANDLER.
HOW YA DOING, MA'AM?
SHE DOESN'T WANT A SECOND DATE.

VOCAB QUIZ
Define 'monologue.'
Fallen tree that can give you mononucleosis.
WHY'D I BECOME AN ENGLISH TEACHER AGAIN?
SUMMERS OFF. BUT IT WASN'T WORTH IT.