Pearls Before Swine | Search

MY PLAN
STEP 1: Every single person in the world goes to the nearest cafe and gets a cup of coffee.
STEP 2: They then have friendly conversations with all the people around them for hours and hours.
WHAT'S THAT A PLAN FOR?
With every single person in cafes, there will be no one left to fight any wars.
A WORTHY GOAL.
WHY HAS NO ONE THOUGHT OF THIS?

WHO'S ON YOUR PLAYLIST THERE?
GUESS WHO.
WHO?
NO.
NO WHO.
NO WHAT?
NO WHO. GUESS WHO.
THE BAND?
NOT THE BAND. GUESS WHO.
NOW I HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU, TOO?
WE DO LIKE U2.
WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO WITH THIS?
YOU ASKED.
FOR THE NAMES OF BANDS ON YOUR PLAYLIST!!
OKAY. RATT.
YES?
NO YES. RATT.
ARE YOU GONNA GIVE ME A BAND NAME OR NOT?
NO DOUBT?
WHO?
GUESS WHO.
I'M DONE GUESSING!
WHO COULD POSSIBLY ENJOY THIS COMIC?
I SURE HOPE SO.

HEY, RAT, WANT TO GO TO A HORROR MOVIE WITH ME? SOMETIMES I JUST LIKE TO BE TERRIFIED.
BEING ALIVE MEANS THAT AT ANY MOMENT, YOU COULD DIE AND BE GONE FOREVER. I FIND THAT TERRIFYING ENOUGH.
YOU MAY HAVE SAVED ME FIFTEEN DOLLARS.
IT'S LIKE PAYING FOR AIR YOU ALREADY BREATHE.

DO YOU MIND IF I ASK YOU A BIT OF AN ARTISTIC QUESTION?
NOT AT ALL.
DO YOU THINK YOU'VE SAID EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO SAY AS A CARTOONIST?
NOPE. I STILL GET UP EVERY DAY INSPIRED BY THE THOUGHT OF WRITING A NEW JOKE.
@#$%0.
I HATE IT WHEN HE DOES THAT.
BAD NEWS, GUYS! THE LOSER WANTS TO KEEP GOING!

WHAT IF THE BIG REVELATION WHEN YOU DIE IS THAT ALL YOUR LOVED ONES WHO DIED BEFORE YOU ACTUALLY REMAINED WITH YOU IN SPIRIT EVERY REMAINING MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE?
I'D BE SO EMBARRASSED I COULD NEVER SHOW MY FACE IN HEAVEN.
THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE COMFORTING.
DID THEY HAVE TO WATCH EVERY MOMENT?
YEAH, WHAT ARE THEY---STALKERS?

HEY, RAT, WHAT CHARITIES DO YOU GIVE TO?
CHARITY MUST BE GIVEN ANONYMOUSLY FOR IT TO TRULY BE CHARITY.
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
IS THAT HOW YOU GET OUT OF DISCLOSING THE FACT THAT YOU GIVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO CHARITY?
YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO RUIN A BEAUTIFUL MOMENT.
YOU HAVE NO BEAUTIFUL MOMENTS.

HOW PEOPLE WHO JACK UP THEIR TRUCK REALLY HIGH THINK WE VIEW THEM...
THAT GUY IS SO DARN COOL.
HOW PEOPLE ACTUALLY VIEW THEM...
THAT GUY MUST HAVE A REALLY SMALL
NOT A WORD WE'LL BE USING.
IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN 'BRAIN.'

HEY, YOU DIDN'T SHOW UP AT THE RESTAURANT LAST NIGHT! AND I'M MAD!
ANGER STEMS FROM FEAR. IN THIS CASE, IT'S PROBABLY YOUR FEAR OF ABANDONMENT, WHICH FOR MOST PEOPLE BEGINS WHEN THEY'RE CHILDREN.
DON'T WORRY. NONE OF US WILL ABANDON YOU.
HE'S BEEN HUGGING ME FOR FOUR HOURS.

6x
4x
12x
ABCD... EFGHI... JKLMNOPQRSTUVWXY AND Z!
(from memory. NO LOOKY!)
ABCD...
HEY.
HI.
ANGRY AT IKEA?
LET'S SEE HOW THEY LIKE IT!
WE USED THE WRONG @*#%@ SCREWS!

I'M DATING A NEW GIRL.
OHHHHH, IS SHE PRETTY?
PIG, WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO ME IS THAT SOMEBODY IS BEAUTIFUL ON THE INSIDE.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
I DEFINITELY DO.
GOATS INTO INTESTINES.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS... HOW DO THE GODS DECIDE WHAT EVENTS HAPPEN TO WHAT PEOPLE?
IS IT SOME LOGICAL EQUATION THAT TAKES INTO ACCOUNT WHO'S DONE GOOD AND WHO'S DONE EVIL? A MATHEMATICAL FORMULA BASED ON MERIT AND FAULT?
ROULETTE WHEEL.
AT LEAST THERE'S A SYSTEM.

HOW THE LIFE OF A CREATIVE PERSON GOES...
YOU COMPLETE THE WORK.
IT WAS HARD, BUT THIS IS REALLY GREAT WORK. MAYBE MY BEST YET.
SIX MONTHS LATER...
THIS IS CRAP.
TIME REVEALS ALL.
WHAT A REWARDING LIFE.

WELL, CARRIE, LOOKS LIKE YOU AND ME CAN BE FRIENDS. MIND IF I GO CHECK YOUR CAR?
WHAT--YOU JUDGE PEOPLE BY THE KIND OF CAR THEY DRIVE?
THE NUMBER OF BUMPER STICKERS.
ZERO=IDEAL
1=FINE
2=RED FLAG
3 OR MORE=
CERTIFIED NUT JOB
SHE HAD ELEVEN.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS NEW GAZE I'M TRYING OUT? TELL ME THE TRUTH.
WELL, IF I CAN BE HONEST, I REALLY DON'T LIKE THE GAZE.
YOU OFFENSIVE LITTLE @#$%*!
HOW DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN?

IS THAT A DOLL OF BEACH BOYS SINGER MIKE LOVE?
YEAH. AND A CONTRACTOR WHO NEVER SANDS ANYTHING ENOUGH. THEY'RE ARGUING OVER A PACKAGE OF PEAS.
HAHAHAHA
WHAT'S SO FUNNY 'BOUT PEAS, LOVE AND UNDER-SANDING?
THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT YOU.

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I WAS LYING IN BED YESTERDAY AND I FEEL REALLY BAD ABOUT IT.
WHY DO YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT IT?
WELL, IT'S MORALLY WRONG.
WHO SAYS IT'S MORALLY WRONG?
TO NOT TELL THE TRUTH?
WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?
YOU'RE BEING REALLY UNETHICAL.

WHEN THINGS GO REALLY WRONG IN YOUR LIFE, HOW DO YOU CHEER YOURSELF UP?
I REMEMBER ONE THING.
SOMEDAY WE ALL DIE.
I WAS LOOKING FOR SOMETHING MORE UPBEAT.
GEE, THAT'S AS CHEERY AS I GET.

WANT TO WATCH "I DREAM OF JEANNIE" WITH ME? IT'S MY THIRD TIME GOING THROUGH THE SERIES.
YOU MUST REALLY LOVE IT.
YEAH, THE ONLY THING I DON'T LOVE IS HER NAME... I'M NOT SURE WHY THEY PICKED THAT.
IT'S A PUN ON THE WORD "GENIE."
KABOOM
MISSING THE OBVIOUS CAN BE A MINDBLOWING EXPERIENCE.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHEN PEOPLE SAY THEY'RE WAITING FOR THEIR TIME TO COME, WHERE EXACTLY DO THEY DO THIS WAITING?
WHY DO YOU ASK?
BECAUSE NOT MUCH HAS BEEN HAPPENING IN MY LIVING ROOM.
HE SAYS MY MOTIVATION IS NOT WHAT IT COULD BE.

I CAN NEVER BE HAPPY.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE WHENEVER THINGS ARE GOOD, I ALWAYS THINK THAT SOMETHING BAD IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER.
SO TRUE. LIKE RIGHT NOW, THIS WHOLE BUILDING COULD COLLAPSE ON YOU AND CRUSH YOU LIKE A FIG.
I MIGHT NEED A NEW THERAPIST.

BOB WAS TIRED OF NEVER KNOWING WHAT NEWS TO TRUST.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE!
SO BOB DEVELOPED A “BALONEYOMETER”… A DEVICE THAT WOULD DING WHENEVER BOB SAW A STORY THAT WAS FALSE.
I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THIS YEARS AGO.
SO BOB TESTED IT OUT BY WATCHING NETWORK NEWS.
LOOK AT THAT! IT WORKS!
AND CABLE NEWS.
DING! DING! DING!
AND SOCIAL MEDIA.
DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!
THE BALONEYOMETER HAS LIMITS.
BOB COULDN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH.
IT’S SAFER TO JUST BELIEVE EVERYTHING!

OH GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE?
TO LOVE AND SHOW KINDNESS TO EVERYONE YOU ENCOUNTER.
BUT PEOPLE ARE MEAN AND RUDE AND ANNOYING. SO HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
LIVE ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN WHERE YOU ENCOUNTER NOBODY.
THE GUY'S FIGURED OUT EVERYTHING.

HEY, NEIGHBOR NANCY, HAVE YOU MET THE GUY WHO MOVED IN ACROSS THE STREET FROM YOU?
YEAH, HE'S A HOT YOGA INSTRUCTOR.
OHHH, TELL ME MORE.
HE TEACHES THIS TYPE OF YOGA THAT'S DONE IN A HOT AND HUMID ROOM AND IS QUITE AVERAGE-LOOKING HIMSELF.
OH.
GOTTA BE HARD TO BE A NOT-HOT, HOT YOGA INSTRUCTOR.

WHAT THE HECK'S THE CHEF
DOING? HE'S BEEN STANDING
OVER THERE HOLDING MY
BURGER FOR TWENTY MINUTES.
IT'S CALLED THE 'SLOW FOOD
MOVEMENT.'
YOU CAN'T BE PROUD OF
THIS.