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SON, TODAY I'M GONNA TEACH YOU HOW TO IDENTIFY A NEW BIRD - THE TERN.
I JUST WANT TO LOOK FOR PORPOISES.
THERE'LL BE A TIME FOR THAT, BUT FOR NOW, FOCUS ON THE TERN. THEY'RE GRAY ON THE TOP AND WHITE BELOW, WITH A BLACK CAP FOR THE HEAD.
AND HERE'S A BIG CLUE - WHEREVER AT THE SEA, WHERE TERNS TYPICALLY LIVE, SO IF YOU SEE A BIRD THAT LOOKS LIKE THAT AT THE SEA, IT'S PROBABLY A TERN.
HEY, LOOK. THERE'S A BIRD RIGHT THERE. TELL ME WHAT IT IS.
SEAGULL?
SON, PLEASE FOCUS.
PELICAN? CAN WE LOOK FOR PORPOISES NOW?
TERN! TERN! TERN! THERE IS A SEA SON! TERN! TERN! TERN! AND A TIME FOR EVERY PORPOISE!
THIS STRIP IS FOR THE BIRDS.
BYRDS.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE KEY TO BEING A GOOD PERSON?
LOVING OTHERS.
I CAN DO THAT.
GREAT.
EXCEPT FOR ARROGANT MORONS. THEY'VE GOT IT COMING.
LOVE HAS TO HAVE LIMITS.

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW WHEN PEOPLE SAY THEY DON'T CARE, THEY CARE?
IF THEY DON'T CARE, THEY DON'T SAY WHETHER OR NOT THEY CARE.
BUT IF THEY DO SAY I DON'T CARE, THEY DO CARE.
I DON'T CARE.
WHICH MEANS YOU DO CARE.

HEY THERE, RAT. I—
BEFORE YOU GREET ME IN THE MORNING, PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF MY MOOD.
HOW WOULD I KNOW YOUR MOOD?
BY THE AMOUNT OF COFFEE I ANTICIPATE NEEDING TO GET THROUGH MY DAY.
I THINK WE SHOULD AVOID RAT TODAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
PUTTING ON A PLAY ABOUT A FAMILY OF BEECH TREES. HERE IS PLAYING THE SON. READ HIM SOME LINES, FRED.
'YOU BETTER NOT DO THAT AGAIN, JUNIOR, OR YOU'RE GROUNDED.'
NO, FRED, NOT THE DAD. YOU'RE THE SON... THE SON OF A BEECH...
'OKAY, THIS STRIP IS OVER.'
WHAT ARE YOU ENDING IT FOR?
STOP BEING A WHINY BEECH.

I JUST SPENT LONGER THAN I NEEDED TO FILLING THE GAS TANK ON MY RENTAL CAR BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT SIDE THE TANK WAS ON.
YOU KNOW HOW THE GAS GAUGE ON YOUR CAR HAS A LITTLE PICTURE OF A GAS PUMP ON IT? NEXT TO IT IS AN ARROW THAT SHOWS WHAT SIDE THE TANK IS ON.
KABOOM
LIFE IS FULL OF MIND-BLOWING DISCOVERIES.

GOALS FOR THE WEEK
Get to Friday without killing anyone.
SOME WEEKS THAT'S THE BEST YOU DO.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?
JOB TRAINING.
FOR WHAT KIND OF JOB?
FORKLIFT OPERATOR.
NO ONE WANTS YOUR OFFENSIVE TIP SCREEN!
ONLY CHEAPOS DON’T TIP THEIR CARTOONIST!
WHERE’S THE PAY ME FOR HAVING TO LISTEN OPTION?

HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT MORE AND MORE VIDEOS ON SOCIAL MEDIA AREN'T REAL, BUT ARE CREATED BY A.I.?
YEAH, I THINK IT'S GREAT.
WHY DO YOU THINK IT'S GREAT?
BECAUSE IN ABOUT TWO YEARS, NO ONE WILL EVER TRUST THEIR EYES AND I CAN GET AWAY WITH MURDER.
YOU'RE WHY I CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT.
HEY, I CAN FINALLY BE PRESIDENT.

HEY, BRITISH BOB, HOW ARE YOUR SIBLINGS?
MY BROTHER'S IN HOSPITAL. MY SISTER'S AT UNIVERSITY.
THAT RAISES A BIG QUESTION.
WHAT'S THAT?
IS THERE A SHORTAGE OF THE WORD "THE" IN BRITAIN?
I'LL REMIND YOU WE INVENTED THE LANGUAGE.
IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE AT STORE.

HOW WAS YOUR MORNING, PIG?
GOOD. I DEBATED SOME PEOPLE ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
I THINK I MADE SOME REALLY GOOD POINTS THAT MIGHT HAVE CHANGED SOME MINDS.
STUDIES SUGGEST THAT BETWEEN 20% AND 68% OF THE COMMENTS ON SOCIAL MEDIA ARE BY BOTS.
I NEED SOME NEW HOBBIES.

HOW COME WHEN YOU TEXT ME, YOUR TONE ALWAYS SEEMS SO BORED?
PROBABLY BECAUSE I DON'T USE A LOT OF EXCLAMATION POINTS.
YEAH. WHY DON'T YOU USE THEM?
BECAUSE YOU USE SO MANY YOU CREATED A SHORTAGE.
SOME THINGS YOU JUST DON'T SAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING RAT?
SELLING MY PEOPLE-SWATTERS. THE LINE IS AROUND THE BLOCK.
ALL FOR SWATTING PEOPLE WHO TALK TO YOU IN THE MORNING?
YEAH, BUT NOW I'VE BROADENED ITS USE TO CO-WORKERS, BAD RELATIVES, AND PEOPLE WHO INVITE YOU TO DESTINATION WEDDINGS.
HE'S GONNA BE A KAZILLIONAIRE!
CAN YOU USE IT ON PEOPLE WHO PARK OVER THE WHITE LINES?
I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.

MY NEW YEAR'S STRATEGY FOR BEING THE MOST ATTRACTIVE GUY WHEREVER I GO.
BY PIG
Only hang out with unattractive people.
I RESENT THE IMPLICATION.
I'LL START TOMORROW.

RAT, I JUST SAW A VIDEO OF YOU AT THE CITY COUNCIL MEETING ARGUING AGAINST A CAFE I'M TRYING TO BUILD.
OH, YEAH, I SAW THAT, TOO. IT LOOKS REAL, BUT IT WAS GENERATED BY A.I.
HEY, MY RING CAM JUST SHOWED ME A VIDEO OF YOU STEALING ONE OF MY PACKAGES!
YEP. BUT IT WASN'T REAL. IT WAS A.I.
HEY, RAT, DID I SEE A VIDEO OF YOU HOLDING MY WIFE AT A COLDPLAY CON-
A.I!
WHEN ANYTHING CAN BE DOUBTFUL, THE DOUBTFUL CAN DO ANYTHING.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES. I'D LIKE TO PATENT THIS.
LOOKS LIKE A FLYSWATTER.
WRONG. IT'S NOT FOR SWATTING FLIES.
WHAT'S IT SWAT?
STRANGERS WHO START UP CONVERSATIONS BEFORE MY FIRST CUP OF COFFEE.
APPARENTLY, YOU CAN'T PATENT ASSAULT.

WHATS WITH THE FLYSWATTER? I DON'T HAVE FLIES IN MY DINER.
IT'S NOT FOR FLIES.
THEN WHATS IT FOR?
PEOPLE WHO START UP CONVERSATIONS BEFORE MY FIRST CUP OF COFFEE.
SURE IS HOT WEATHER WE'RE—
THIS COULD SOLVE ALL OF SOCIETY'S PROBLEMS.

HEY, CARTOON BOY, I'M DOING A QUICK CALCULATION THAT MIGHT BE HELPFUL TO YOU.
WHAT'S THAT?
WELL, YOU'RE 57, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
GREAT...SO BASED ON THE AVERAGE LIFE EXPECTANCY FOR AN AMERICAN MALE, YOU HAVE JUST 26% OF YOUR LIFE LEFT.
HOW IS THAT HELPFUL?
IT'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW WHEN THE BUZZER SOUNDS.

BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
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BAD DAY
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BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
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BAD DAY
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BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
I'M KEEPING TRACK SO I KNOW WHAT THE UNIVERSE OWES ME.
HAPPY NEW YEAR, BUDDY.

HELLO, GOAT. I'M HERE TO ADMIT THAT I'VE DONE A LOT OF WRONG THINGS IN MY LIFE.
GOOD FOR YOU, RAT. THAT'S AN IMPORTANT THING TO ACKNOWLEDGE.
AND IT'S ALL THE FAULT OF GENETICS.
I'M GONNA ENJOY MY COFFEE NOW.
BUT ALL THE GOOD THINGS I'VE DONE MYSELF.

WHEN I WAS YOUNG, WE USED TO HAVE SPORTING EVENTS AND AWARD SHOWS FREQUENTLY INTERRUPTED BY STREAKERS.
WHAT'S A STREAKER?
SOMEONE WHO WOULD TAKE OFF ALL THEIR CLOTHES AND RUN AROUND.
WE DIDN'T HAVE A LOT TO DO IN THOSE DAYS.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A LIFE WELL-LIVED?
ONE WHERE YOU LIVE IN THE MOMENT. GRATEFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE.
BUT I THOUGHT THE GOAL WAS FINANCIAL SUCCESS! FAME! IMMORTALITY!
ALWAYS REMEMBER, PIG... NO MATTER HOW WELL YOU DO OR DON'T DO IN LIFE, IN THE END YOU'RE EITHER THROWN IN A HOLE OR ASH.
WISH HE'D SAID 'SPOILER ALERT.'

NEVER
GIVE
UP
NEVER
GIVE

PIG, DO YOU THINK I'M A GOOD GUY?
BE HONEST. THIS IS A SAFE SPACE.
I THINK SOMETIMES YOU'RE RUDE AND SELF-CENTERED.
KSShhh
THIS KIND OF SAFE SPACE.
ALWAYS BE CLEAR ON YOUR TERMS.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT MY PLAN TO IMPROVE DEATH?
WHAT'S THE PLAN? :)
WELL, YOU DIE BUT AFTER TEN YEARS YOU COME BACK.
WHY SO LONG?
SOME PEOPLE TAKE A LONG TIME TO MISS.
I COULD SEE YOU TAKING LONGER.
GUESS WHO DOESN'T GET TO COME BACK.