Pearls Before Swine | Search

I HEAR YOU'RE NOT INVITED TO NEIGHBOR BOB'S PARTY TODAY. DOES THAT GIVE YOU A LITTLE F.O.M.O.?
WHAT'S THAT?
FEAR OF MISSING OUT.
OH. I JUST HAVE T.I.N.G.
WHAT'S T.I.N.G.?
THRILLED I'M NOT GOING.
DON'T KNOW THAT ONE.
IT'S THE GREATEST FEELING THERE IS.

IS THERE ANY RULE YOU LIVE BY?
JUST...IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY...
...DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL.
NO. GO ON TWITTER AND SAY IT THERE.
IT'S NOT EVEN CALLED TWITTER ANYMORE.
IS IT CALLED THE MEAN, NASTY PLACE?

WELL, I’VE GOT TO GET GOING. MY FLIGHT LEAVES IN A FEW HOURS.
FLY SAFE.
YOU REALIZE I’M NOT FLYING THE PLANE, RIGHT?
IT IS SORT OF A STUPID EXPRESSION.
I COULD ALWAYS GO IN THE COCKPIT AND SEE IF THEY NEED HELP.

HEY THERE, PIG. THIS IS MY FRIEND SAM... HE'S A PROFESSIONAL ASSASSIN.
OH, YEAH? WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN OUR CITY?
I HAVE A FEW HOURS TO KILL.
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS A VERY CONFUSING THING.

DO YOU EVER GET THE FEELING THAT SOMETHING REALLY BAD IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN AND WE'RE ALL GONNA HAVE TO ESCAPE?
YEAH, I DO. BUT WE SHOULD ASK WISE ASS ABOUT THAT. HE'S USUALLY PRETTY CALM AND CLEARHEADED.
FLED
I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS.

HEY, RAT. THIS IS OUR NEW NEIGHBOR. HE'S THE HEAD OF AMCE HEALTH.
OH, YOU'RE THE COMPANY THAT DENIED MY COUSIN'S CLAIM FOR TREATMENT.
WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, WE HAVE TO MAKE A LOT OF VERY DIFFICULT DECISIONS. MEDICAL CARE IS EXPENSIVE THESE DAYS.
BELIEVE ME, IF I COULD PAY EVERY CLAIM, I WOULD, BUT I'M RESPONSIBLE TO SHAREHOLDERS WHO EXPECT US TO MAKE A PROFIT IN A VERY CHALLENGING ENVIRONMENT.
IS THAT TRUE?
I'M AFRAID SO.
IS THAT WHY THEY PAY YOU THIRTY MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR?
PLEASE DON'T GOOGLE THINGS.
YOUR CLAIM IS DENIED.
YOU'RE PAYING FOR LUNCH!

DO YOU MIND STORES LIKE THE GAP EXISTING?
NO... I SHOP THERE ALL THE TIME.
YEAH, WELL, BRITS MIND.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
EVERY TIME YOU GET OFF THE SUBWAY IN LONDON, THIS LOUD VOICE SHOUTS, "MIND THE GAP!"
I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START WITH THAT.
YOU'D THINK THEY'D PICK ON BANANA REPUBLIC.

HOW'D YOU LIKE THE STORY I WROTE?
IT WAS FINE.
TIP TO THE WISE: IF YOU REALLY WANT TO BE HATED BY PEOPLE WHO CREATE FOR A LIVING, CALL THEIR WORK "FINE."
THEN PREPARE TO BE HIT WITH A CROQUET MALLET.
NEVER BE FRIENDS WITH CREATIVE TYPES.

HEY, ARE YOU STEPHAN PASTIS?
YEAH, WHY?
I READ YOUR COMIC STRIP EVERY DAY.
OH, WOW. WELL, THANK YOU.
WHY ARE YOU THANKING ME? I THINK IT'S TERRIBLE.
MAYBE I'M JUST A GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT.
DID SOMEONE SAY PUNISHMENT?

DEAR McDONALD'S,
LAST NIGHT I WATCHED
A NATURE DOCUMENTARY
WHERE ANIMALS IN AFRICA
ALL ATE EACH OTHER.
THEY DO THIS
BECAUSE THEY HAVE
NOTHING ELSE TO
EAT.
PLEASE PUT McDONALD'S
IN THE SERENGETI.
THAT STILL
INVOLVES
DEAD
ANIMALS.
MAYBE
THEY'LL
JUST ORDER
FRIES.

HEY, YOU'RE THE YO-YO... HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD, PIG. I'M LONELY AS HECK.
WELL, LET'S LOOK THROUGH THE PERSONALS FOR YOU. HERE'S ONE... SINGLE LADY LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO JUST WANTS TO HAVE A GOOD TIME... NO STRINGS ATTACHED?
YO-YOS HAVE IT HARD.

HOW WAS THAT NEW MOVIE YOU SAW? I HEARD IT'S AMAZING.
IT REALLY WAS.
I JUST HAVE NO WORDS.
THAT ENTIRE SENTENCE WAS COMPOSED OF WORDS!!
I TAKE IT YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT THAT EXPRESSION.
I HAVE NO WORDS.

WELL, FRED, I'M AFRAID I HAVE
SOME BAD NEWS. YOU
HAVE A TOTALLY FATAL
DISEASE. SO WE
HAVE TO ACT FAST!!
AHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHA
FRED! FRED! WHAT
THE HECK ARE
YOU DOING?
I THOUGHT
LAUGHTER
WAS THE BEST
MEDICINE.
NO! FRED! WE HAVE
GOOD TREATMENT
OPTIONS! PILLS!
SURGERIES!
(SIGH). DIDN'T KNOW.
ACK
SOME EXPRESSIONS ARE
SO DARN DANGEROUS.

HEY, PIG, HOW'S YOUR SISTER DOING? IS SHE STILL GETTING READY FOR EASTER?
SHE DYED.
...EGGS YESTERDAY.
DON'T PAUSE AT THAT POINT IN A SENTENCE.
YOU HAVE AN ODD REACTION TO COLORING EGGS.

I HAVE A NEW WAY OF SOLVING DISAGREEMENTS WITH OTHER PEOPLE.
WHAT IS THAT?
I JUST SUGGEST THAT THEY MEET ME HALFWAY.
THAT'S SMART. THAT WAY YOU COMPROMISE.
NO... THEY GO HALFWAY. I DON'T MOVE.
THAT'S NOT A COMPROMISE.
BUT WE'RE HALFWAY THERE.

HEY, PIG, WHAT'S IN THE JAR?
MY UNCLE JUST DIED, AND IT'S TRADITION IN OUR FAMILY TO EACH KEEP SOME OF OUR RELATIVE'S BRAIN.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
WE JUST ENJOY HAVING THE PIECE OF MIND.
NO ONE ENJOYS YOUR COMIC STRIP.

GOAT MADE ME SO MAD LAST WEEK THAT I'M NOW GIVING HIM THE SILENT TREATMENT. I DON'T CALL HIM. I DON'T TEXT HIM. I DON'T VISIT HIM.
WHAT GOOD DOES ALL THAT DO?
HURTS HIM. IMAGINE WHAT HE'S GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW.

THANKS FOR COMING IN FOR THIS JOB INTERVIEW... TELL ME--WHAT ARE YOUR CAREER GOALS?
TO DO THE BARE MINIMUM NECESSARY TO KEEP MY JOB, THEN LOWER THAT AMOUNT EVERY YEAR UNTIL ONE DAY I CAN RETIRE.
NO ONE REWARDS HONESTY.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS. HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND HUMANITY.
OF COURSE, MY SON...ALL PEOPLE CAN BE CLASSIFIED INTO ONE OF FOUR QUADRANTS
WHICH LOOK LIKE THIS...
WE LOVE GROUP (A), TOLERATE GROUP (B) AND PITY GROUP (C).
THAT ALL SOUNDS GOOD. BUT WHAT ABOUT THIS GROUP? (D) THE DUMB AND ARROGANT.
I KNOW WHO'S BEEN RUNNING OUR LIVES.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
HELPING A FRIEND OF MINE. HANG ON.
LISTEN, I KNOW YOU HAVE A SHOW TO DO, BUT BEING SUPER NERVOUS DOESN'T HELP. JUST RELAX AND TAKE A REALLY DEEP BREATH.
AAAAAAUGH
FORGOT HE'S A FIRE BREATHER.

HEY, BURT THE BEAR. HOW GOES IT?
NOT SO GOOD. I HAVE A HEADACHE.
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE SOME ASPIRIN?
I DID. BUT IT HURTS MY STOMACH, SO I TAKE AS LITTLE AS NECESSARY.
THE BAYER BEAR BARE MINIMUM?
AND I GET PAID FOR THIS.

WELL, I SURE HAD A PRODUCTIVE DAY.
TERRIFIC. WHAT DID YOU DO?
SAT AROUND ALL DAY COMPLAINING ABOUT THE BEHAVIOR OF OTHERS.
YOU SHOULD BE SO PROUD.
REALLY, WHAT DID WE DO BEFORE SOCIAL MEDIA?

RAT'S TAKING A COURSE ON 19TH CENTURY AMERICAN HISTORY.
THAT'S GREAT.
IT'S SO IMPORTANT FOR EACH OF US TO LEARN OUR NATION'S HISTORY AND —
I'M TAKING YOUR DONUTS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
GOD WANTS ME TO HAVE THEM. IT'S MY MANIFEST DESTINY.
SOME PEOPLE ARE BEST LEFT IGNORANT.

DID YOU HEAR THEY RENAMED THE GULF OF MEXICO THE 'GULF OF AMERICA'?
YEAH. I'M PRETTY UPSET ABOUT THAT.
YOU ARE?
YEAH. SO I CHANGED THE MAP.
PLACE ABOVE AMERICA
AMERICA
PLACE BELOW AMERICA
YOU'RE UPSET THEY DIDN'T GO FURTHER.
I'M CALLING FRANCE 'PLACE WITH THE OTHER DISNEYLAND.'

HI, CONNIE THE CONJUGAL SHEEP. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I THOUGHT I'D GRAB SOME COFFEE BEFORE SEEING MY HUBBY.
I THOUGHT HE WAS IN PRISON.
HE IS. BUT THEY LET ME VISIT HIM ONCE A MONTH.
CONJUGAL VISITS.
YOU SHOULD BE BEHIND BARS.