Pearls Before Swine | Search

GETTING SOME SUN?
YEA. I LOVE THE HEAT. NOT TO MENTION STARING OUT AT THE PELICANS AND THE CLIPPER SHIPS.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
COLTRANE. SUCH A MAVERICK IN THE FIELD OF JAZZ. A REAL REBEL. ALWAYS READY TO CUT THROUGH THE BLAH AND BUCK THE TREND TO FIND NEW SIGNS OF GREATNESS.
HE WAS THE KING. A REAL TRAILBLAZER. ALWAYS SETTING THE PACE OR MAKING MUSIC THAT WAS JUST MAGIC. THAT’S WHY HE ROCKETED TO THE TOP.
BUT HEY, TO EACH HIS OWN. SOME JUST WATCHING THE WAVES GO BY. OTHERS DO A GRIZZLY, RETIRED BY SEVEN OR SO TO GO INSIDE… HEAR THUNDER AND LIGHTNING LIKE THE HAUNTING TIMBREWORKS.
AND WHAT DID IT ALL ADD UP TO? A PIONEER WHO BLED OUTLINES TO GREATNESS. BUT HE SOUGHT INSIDE - A HEART THUNDER AND LIGHTNING IS A HOMETON ON YOUR KNUCKLES.
A KNUCKER’S A MIND NOT WEARING.
YOU THINK IT’S CLEVER TO HOVE THE “SAME AS 28 NBA TEAMS”?
I WOULD BUT I BE THAT CAVALIER. HEY, WANNA LISTEN TO SOME COLTRANE?

SO I FINALLY TOOK A BEHAVIORAL COURSE ON ANGER.
GOOD FOR YOU... SO THEY TEACH YOU VARIOUS WAYS TO LESSEN IT?
INCREASE IT.
HOW WONDERFUL.
LESSENING IT IS IMPOSSIBLE THESE DAYS.

DO YOU PRAY FOR OTHERS?
OF COURSE.
REALLY?
YEAH, I'LL SHOW YOU.
DEAR LORD, PLEASE MAKE THE MORONS AROUND ME LESS MORONIC SO I CAN ENJOY MY LIFE IN PEACE.
NOT REALLY WHAT THAT MEANS.
OR, LORD, I MAY HAVE TO PUNCH THEM AGAIN.

HEY, PIG… I’VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU… YOU’VE HAD SOME REAL INTELLIGENT POSTS ON SOCIAL MEDIA LATELY.
OH, YEAH, I’VE BEEN USING A FILTER.
A FILTER?
STUPIDITY FILTER. KNOCKS ALL THE STUPID RIGHT OUT OF ME.
DIDN’T KNOW THAT WAS A THING.
FILTERED ME IS BORDERLINE GENIUS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
MY YEARLY ASSESSMENT OF MYSELF. I DO IT TOWARD THE END OF EVERY YEAR TO MONITOR MY PERSONAL GROWTH AND POSSIBLE AREAS OF IMPROVEMENT. HERE, HAVE A LOOK.
2019 PERFECT AGAIN
2020 PERFECT AGAIN
2021 PERFECT AGAIN
2022 PERFECT AGAIN
2023 PERFECT AGAIN
GEE, HOW INSIGHTFUL.
I KEEP WAITING FOR A FLAW.

HEY, CONNIE COW, HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD... I TRIED TO GIVE MILK TO MY CALF THIS MORNING, BUT NONE CAME OUT.
WHAT AN UDDER FAILURE.
I'M MOVING TO ANOTHER COMIC STRIP.
NO, DON'T MOOOOOVE.

HEY, RAT, DO YOU EVER THINK YOU'RE A LITTLE RUDE TO OTHER PEOPLE?
OH, I DO.
THEN WHY DON'T YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT?
I WOULD, BUT I'VE DONE RESEARCH ON IT, AND IT TURNS OUT I HAVE A GENETIC PREDISPOSITION TOWARD RUDENESS.
PLEASE RESPECT MY DISABILITY.
THAT'S NOT A DISABILITY.
MY DISABLED PARKING PERMIT SAYS OTHERWISE.

ANGRY BOB WAS ANGRY. "EVERYONE IS SO AFRAID THESE DAYS OF USING THE WRONG TERM AND OFFENDING PEOPLE. WE NEED SOMETHING THAT CAN BRING US ALL TOGETHER!"
THEN HE GOT A BIGGER THING! ANGRY BOB: "EVERYONE LOVES TRAINS. SO I WILL WRITE A STORY ABOUT A TRAIN AND READ IT TO DIVERSE GROUPS OF PEOPLE!"
AND SO BOB WROTE A STORY ABOUT AN OLD, RED TRAIN IN INDIA CALLED THE INDIAN EXPRESS THAT WENT "WOOO WOOO" TO CLOUDS OF SMOKE THAT NOTABLY IGNORED THEIR COUNTRY.
BOB TRAVELED TO NATIVE AMERICAN LAND, WHERE THEY JUST HAPPENED TO BE CELEBRATING "RESPECT FOR NATIVE AMERICAN CULTURE DAY." AND HE BEGAN READING FROM HIS TRAIN BOOK.
"WOOOO WOOOO," SCREAMED THE RED TRAIN. "NOBODY WANTS YOU HERE," SOBBED THE BUFFALO.
ANGRY BOB WAS BROKE AND DIED CONCERNED.
AT LEAST HE TRIED.
NEVER TRY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR?
WELL, I'M COLLECTING DIFFERENT KINDS OF DICE AND I'M LOOKING TO GET ONE SPECIFIC PURPLE DIE.
DIE.
HUH?
DIE! DIE! DIE!
CHRISTMAS CAN BE VERY STRESSFUL.

HEY, PIGITA. DID YOU SEE THE TEXT I SENT? I POWER WASHED MY TWO PRIVATE BROWNIES AND THE COMMON AREA.
YEAH, BUT I DIDN'T SEE WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE BEFORE.
SHOOT. I DIDN'T TAKE ANY PHOTOS OF THE COMMON AREA BEFORE, BUT I THINK I DID TAKE PHOTOS OF THE PRIVATE ONES WHEN THEY WERE DIRTY.
SEND ME THE DIRTY PHOTOS! SEND ME THE DIRTY PHOTOS!
OF MY PRIVATES?
I'D LIKE TO CHANGE SEATS.
IMPRESSIVE, ISN'T IT?

HEY, GEORGE, THIS IS MY FRIEND, RAT. HE'S REALLY GOING PLACES.
WHAT PLACES?
ALL THE BAD ONES.
THAT WAS ALMOST A COMPLIMENT.

LATER.
LATER, BRO.
LOOK AT THESE KIDS LAZILY ABBREVIATING THE SIMPLEST OF SALUTATIONS. WHAT'S WRONG WITH A GOOD, PROPER GOODBYE?
THE WORD "GOODBYE" CAME ABOUT AS AN ABBREVIATION OF THE PHRASE "GOD BE WITH YE."
I LIKE TO PUT THE SNOBS IN THEIR PLACE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY THOUGHTS ON WHAT KIND OF FUNERAL YOU WANT TO HAVE
I DON'T CARE.
I SEE. BECAUSE YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE PHILOSOPHICALLY IN (A) THE NEED FOR COLLECTIVE GRIEVING, AND (B) A SHOWY REITRATION OF YOUR LIFE?
BECAUSE I'LL BE (A) DEAD, AND (B) NOT ALIVE.
SORT OF REDUNDANT.
HOW 'BOUT WE PLAN YOUR FUNERAL?

THAT DOOR IN OUR KITCHEN STILL SQUEAKS. WE SHOULD GET IT FIXED.
WE SHOULD, BUT WE WON'T.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
IT'S A PROBITO.
WHAT'S THAT?
A PROBLEM THAT'S BIG ENOUGH TO BE ANNOYING BUT TOO SMALL TO GET YOU OFF YOUR @#%#.
MY LIFE IS FILLED WITH PROBITOS.
IT'S A PROBITO WORLD.

HEY, PIG, ARE YOU STILL GONNA HELP US WITH OUR FOOD FESTIVAL?
I WILL... YEAH, THEY HAVE ME BARBECUING SHEEP MEAT.
YUCK. YOU'RE GONNA COOK IT IN A WOK. IT'S A CHINESE FOOD FESTIVAL.
OKAY, BUT THAT'S A LOT OF WORK FOR ONE PERSON, SO YOU NEED TO HELP ME.
FINE, BUT MAKE SURE YOU BUY ONLY FEMALE SHEEP MEAT.
YEAH, BUT NOT JUST ME, WILL. WE BOTH HAVE TO DO THAT.
SURE. AND GET THERE EARLY TO WARM UP THE WOK. YOU'LL BE COOKING A LOT OF THAT EWE BY YOURSELF.
WE. WILL. WE WILL– WOK EWE.
I'M KICKING HIS CAN ALL OVER THE PLACE.

HEY, I HAVE A LEAK IN MY BATHROOM. DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PLUMBING?
PLUMBING? I DON'T KNOW A THING ABOUT PLUMBING.
THAT WOULD BE LIKE SOME GUY WALKING UP TO YOU AND ASKING HOW TO WRITE A FUNNY COMIC STRIP.
I DIDN'T NEED THE ANALOGY.
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE A CLUE.

I'M GOING SHOPPING FOR ORANGE JUICE. DO YOU LIKE IT WITH OR WITHOUT PULP?
NO RIGHT-THINKING PERSON WANTS PULP IN THEIR ORANGE JUICE.
I ACTUALLY LOVE IT.
TAKE THAT BACK.
NOW I KNOW WHERE THE EXPRESSION "BEATEN TO A PULP" COMES FROM.

HEY, RAT, HERE COMES A CUSTOMER. WHY DON'T YOU TRY GREETING HIM LIKE I ASKED.
HELLO, SIR. HOW'S YOUR DAY GOING?
DO YOU REALLY CARE?
OH, I WOULDN'T CARE IF YOU GOT HIT BY A BUS, BUT I'VE SOLD MY DIGNITY IN EXCHANGE FOR A PAYCHECK.
MAYBE DON'T SPEAK AT ALL.
ISN'T THE CAPITALIST SYSTEM CRUEL?

I THINK I'M GONNA START GOLFING ON WEEKENDS.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE THERE'S TOO MUCH HAPPINESS IN MY LIFE. SO TO CHANGE THINGS UP, I WANT TO SPEND ALL DAY UNDER THE HOT SUN GETTING ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED AT A LITTLE, WHITE SPHERE.
SOUNDS AMAZING.
AND I'LL PAY A FORTUNE TO DO IT!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I GOT MAD AND DELETED MY FACEBOOK ACCOUNT, BUT NOW I WANT TO GET IT BACK.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.
WHAT'S THAT?
YOU CAN CHECK OUT OF FACEBOOK ANY TIME YOU LIKE, BUT YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE.
IT'S THE NEW HOTEL CALIFORNIA!
DON HENLEY FORESAW IT ALL.

RATIO OF PEOPLE WITH BRAINS TO PEOPLE WITH OPINIONS OVER THE LAST FIFTY YEARS.
PEOPLE WITH BRAINS
1974
2024
PEOPLE WITH OPINIONS
PEOPLE WITH BRAINS
PEOPLE WITH OPINIONS
THE SOURCE OF ALL OUR PROBLEMS.
I HAVE AN OPINION ON THIS.

HEY, RAT.
WHAT DO YOU NEED, NEIGHBOR BOB?
TO GIVE YOU THIS LIST OF SUBJECTS I'M SENSITIVE ABOUT.
WHAT FOR?
SO THAT YOU CAN BE AWARE OF MY SENSITIVITIES AND SAY THE PHRASE 'TRIGGER WARNING' BEFORE BRINGING ANY OF THEM UP IN CONVERSATION.
I CAN DO THAT.
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I'M SENSITIVE TO THE VIOLENT AND GUN-RELATED NATURE OF THE WORD 'TRIGGER' AND THUS I'M TRIGGERED EVERY TIME YOU SAY THE WORD 'TRIGGER'.
NEIGHBOR BOB AND I CAN NO LONGER CONVERSE.

HEY, LOOK AT YOU READING A REGULAR OLD BOOK.
YEAH, I DON'T JUST STARE AT MY PHONE AND IPAD ALL DAY. I READ REGULAR BOOKS TOO.
DID YOU JUST SPREAD YOUR FINGERS TO TRY AND EXPAND THAT PHOTO?
IT'S A VERY HARD HABIT TO BREAK!

OKAY, RAT, WE'VE DECIDED THAT WE WANT OUR BARISTAS TO GREET OUR CUSTOMERS WITH A NICE, "HELLO, HOW'S YOUR DAY GOING?"
HELLO. HOW'S YOUR DAY GOING?
OKAY. AND YOURS?
NOT SO GOOD. I'M BEING FORCED BY MY NEED FOR A PAYCHECK TO ENGAGE IN MINDLESS BANTER WITH ANY LUNKHEAD I MEET. THANKS FOR ASKING.
MAYBE JUST SAY, "FINE."
SORRY YOU HAD TO LEAVE SO SOON!

WELL, I JUST INTERVIEWED FOR A HIGH-PAYING JOB I'M REALLY HOPING I GET.
WANT ME TO SAY A PRAYER?
SURE.
DEAR GOD, PLEASE DON'T LET GOAT GET THIS JOB AND BECOME MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN ME.
A PRAYER FOR ME.
TOO LATE.