Pearls Before Swine | Search

YOU EVER HEAR ABOUT THIS PAVLOV GUY? HE CONDITIONED THESE DUMB DOGS TO GET EXCITED AT THE SOUND OF A BELL.
DING!
DING!
DING!
FORGOT WHAT YOU WERE SAYING.
I WAS SAYING SOMETHING?
I GOT A TEXT!

HI. WELCOME TO THE PORTAL TO THE LOWEST CIRCLE OF HELL.
WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THAT?
LEAF BLOWER. 8 A.M. ON A SATURDAY.
WISH THERE WAS A BIGGER PUNISHMENT I COULD GIVE THEM.

WHY DO WE SIT UP HERE ON TELEPHONE WIRES?
WHAT CHOICE DO WE HAVE?
WELL, I'VE BEEN DOING SOME RESEARCH AND IT TURNS OUT THERE ARE THINGS CALLED CHAIRS AND COUCHES.
THIS IS LIFE-CHANGING.

HI. WELCOME TO THE AFTERLIFE.
I KNEW I’D MAKE IT HERE! I WAS A GOOD PERSON!
WELL, YES. LOOKS LIKE YOU WERE. BUT MY BOOKS SHOW YOU WERE ALSO ANNOYING AS @#%G.
ANNOYING? ANNOYING HOW?
WELL, TAKE GROCERY SHOPPING... YOU TOOK UP TWO PARKING SPOTS, BLOCKED THE AISLE WITH YOUR CART, YELMED FOREVER WITH THE CASHIER WHEN THERE WAS A LINE, AND LEFT YOUR CART IN A PARKING SPOT.
SO?
AH YES... EVERYONE IN YOUR POSITION ALWAYS ASKS THAT. SO LET ME CUT RIGHT TO THE CHASE.
YOU JUST CAN’T BLOCK THE GROCERY AISLE.

HEY,
ARE
YOU
RAT?
YEAH.
WHO'S
ASKING?
GUS. I READ YOUR COMIC
STRIP AND I GOTTA SAY I
REALLY HATE THE PUNS. SO
I'M HOPING THE WHOLE STRIP
FAILS.
WE HAVE MET THE ENEMY
AND HE IS GUS.
I'M ROOTING FOR GUS.

WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?
JUST FEELING GREAT ABOUT MYSELF. BECAUSE IN THE WORDS OF TAYLOR SWIFT, YOU CAN'T SPELL AWESOME WITHOUT ME.
ARRGH... I CANT STAND STUPID EXPRESSIONS LIKE THAT... THEY BUG THE G#@# OUTF OF ME.
WHY DO YOU GET SO MAD ABOUT STUFF LIKE THAT?
BECAUSE YOU CANT SPELL 'RANT' WITHOUT RAT.
I PREFER AWESOME.

RUB RUB RUB
POOF
FOR FREEING ME FROM MY CAMP, I SHALL GRANT YOU ANY WISH IN THE WORLD!
COULD YOU MAKE TRADER JOE'S PARKING LOTS CARGER?
HE SAID THERE'S SOME THINGS EVEN HE CAN'T DO.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?
I GIVE YOU A HOT TAKE ON SOMETHING AND YOU TRY TO CHANGE MY MIND. HERE... WATCH...
I THINK ALL CREATIVE PEOPLE DO THEIR BEST WORK BY THE AGE OF 57. AFTER THAT, IT'S STRAIGHT DOWNHILL.
YOU KNOW I'M 58.
SOMETIMES IT CAN GET A LITTLE PERSONAL.

WHERE WERE YOU YESTERDAY?
I WENT OUT WITH A COUPLE FRIENDS.
YOU HAVE FRIENDS OTHER THAN ME?
YEAH. I HAVE LOTS OF FRIENDS.
YOU LOUSY, CHEATING FRIEND POLYGAMIST.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S A THING.
I FEEL SO DIRTY.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO COOL TOYS— LIKE THE ONES I HAD AS A KID?
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE ‘SEA MONKEYS’. LITTLE THINGS YOU PUT IN WATER THAT I THINK BECAME ACTUAL MONKEYS.
NO. THEY DIDN’T.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THOSE WERE BRINE SHRIMP.
YOU’VE JUST RUINED A CORE MEMORY.

What are you doing, pig?
Reading news on social media.
Pig, for the most part, those are just lies spoon-fed to you by interest groups, politicians, corporations, and bots.
I'm not spoon-fed. I'm reading. And choosing what to read. So please don't use insulting words like "spoon-fed" that imply I'm some GEtTiNg a Handful of grain shoved in my mouth.
Pig, what do they call the part of the app where you get the news?
A newsfeed.
Depressing, isn't it?
Moooooo.

DO YOU HAVE A PHILOSOPHY THAT GUIDES YOU IN LIFE?
YES.
YOU CAN'T TRUST ANYONE BUT YOURSELF, AND YOU SHOULD DISTRUST YOURSELF MOST OF ALL.
THAT DOESN'T LEAVE A LOT OF OPTIONS.
THUS, I DRINK.

HEY, STEPH, HOW DO YOU THINK YOU'VE CHANGED AFTER 25 YEARS OF DOING THIS STRIP?
WELL, AS YOU GET OLDER, YOU GET A BIT MORE HUMBLE.
INTERESTING. LEMME ASK YOU THIS... I KNOW SOMETIMES WHEN YOU HAVE A STRIP IDEA, YOU TEXT IT TO YOURSELF. SO HOW DO YOU HAVE YOUR NAME ENTERED IN YOUR PHONE? IN OTHER WORDS, WHO DOES THE TEXT SAY IT'S FROM?
I DON'T THINK THAT'S REALLY RELEVANT TO ANY -
GENIUS GUY? YOU CALL YOURSELF GENIUS GUY?
THAT DIDN'T NEED TO BE SHARED.
AT BEST, YOU'RE ALMOST NOT STUPID GUY.

DON'T YOU HAVE A BIRTHDAY COMING UP?
YEAH. BUT IN LIEU OF GIFTS, I'M ASKING EVERYONE TO GIVE MONEY TO A CHARITY.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. I'D BE HAPPY TO DO THAT. DOES THE CHARITY HAVE A WEBSITE?
MAKEATRWEALTHYBEYONDHISWILDESTDREAMS.ORG
MAYBE I'LL JUST GET YOU A CARD.
THIS IS NO TIME TO BE CHEAP.

DID YOU SEE THIS GUY WHO GOT ARRESTED?
NO...WHAT HAPPENED?
GUESS HE MUST HAVE BEEN A COMEDIAN OR SOMETHING, BECAUSE HE GOT JAILED FOR A MAN'S LAUGHTER.
MANSLAUGHTER.
OH,GREAT. HE SLAUGHTERED SOME MAN FOR LAUGHING?
WHY DO I TRY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, NEIGHBOR STACI?
WELL, MY BACKGROUND'S IN ECONOMICS, SO I'M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A JOB HELPING THE FED.
HELPING THE FED? HELP THE HUNGRY, YOU MISGUIDED TWIT!
DID YOU KNOW THERE'S SOMETHING CALLED THE FEDERAL RESERVE?

PIG'S PLAN FOR SAVING A DIVIDED AMERICA
Right now it seems that the country is divided on almost everything.
GUN CONTROL BAD!
BIG GOVERNMENT BAD!
SOLAR BAD!
TAXES BAD!
OBAMACARE BAD!
GUN CONTROL GOOD!
BIG GOVERNMENT GOOD!
SOLAR GOOD!
TAXES GOOD!
OBAMACARE GOOD!
So if we're ever gonna heal our divisions, we need to start by identifying all the things we can agree on.
DOLLY PARTON IS GREAT.
DOLLY PARTON IS GREAT.
GOTTA START SOMEWHERE.
DOLLY WILL SAVE US!

WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON,PIG?
THE DE-LONELY-IZER. I INVENTED IT TO MAKE LONELY PEOPLE LESS LONELY. I’LL SHOW YOU HOW IT WORKS....
FRED HERE IS LONELY. AND HE’S LONELY BECAUSE ALL DAY HE STAYS AT HOME STARING AT HIS PHONE.
ENTER THE DE-LONELY-IZER...A GIANT, PATENTED TUBE THAT SUCKS HIM RIGHT OFF HIS LIVING ROOM COUCH.
AND SENDS HIM WHOOSHING TOWARD THE CENTER OF TOWN, WHERE HE CAN BE WITH ALL THE PEOPLE.
WHERE ARE ALL THE PEOPLE?
AT HOME STARING AT THEIR PHONES.
IT’S A REAL FLAW IN THE SYSTEM.
MAYBE JUST SUCK AWAY THE PHONES.

WHO'S THE SHEEP?
THAT'S BLISS, THE HAPPIEST SHEEP IN THE WORLD.
WHAT'S HER SECRET? MEDITATION? YOGA? THERAPY?
SHE DOESN'T OWN A SMART-PHONE.
WISH I'D THOUGHT OF THAT.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, HOW DO YOU SEPARATE THE IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE FROM THE THINGS THAT AREN'T IMPORTANT?
THE IMPORTANT THINGS ARE ALL THE THINGS YOU WOULD FOCUS ON IF YOU WERE ON A PLANE THAT WAS GOING DOWN AND YOU HAD ONLY ONE MINUTE TO LIVE.
SCREAMING AND FINDING A PARACHUTE?
HE'S ASKED ME TO NEVER COME BACK.

DID YOU KNOW THE SMITHS UP THE STREET HAVE A STUPID FAMILY CREST THAT GOES BACK 800 YEARS?
YEAH... IT'S WRITTEN IN LATIN WITH MEDIEVAL IMAGERY. WHY'S THAT STUPID?
BECAUSE THEY'RE NOBODIES. IF ANYONE SHOULD HAVE ONE, IT'S ME.
DONT TELL ME YOU...
RATICUS
BEER IS GOODETH
IDIOTS ARE BADETH
HOW NOBLE.
IT SUMS MY CLAN UP NICELY.

OH,NO.
I CAN'T FIND MY PHONE.
HEY SIR, WHERE ARE YOU?
Here I am.
WHERE?
Over here!
OH,MY GOODNESS.
I WAS SO WORRIED.
THANKS FOR SPEAKING UP.
You're welcome.
SIR!..
Hm hmm?
THIS IS THE BEST RELATIONSHIP I'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE.
Okay, now it's getting weird.

WHAT’S WITH THE TIE AND GLASSES?
I’M NOW A PSYCHIATRIST EVALUATING THE SOURCES OF STRESS FOR PEOPLE I’VE NEVER EVEN MET.
FIRST OFF, YOU’RE NOT LICENSED AS A PSYCHIATRIST. SECONDLY, HOW POSSIBLY EVALUATE THE SOURCES OF STRESS FOR PEOPLE YOU HAVEN’T MET?
SOURCES OF STRESS FOR EVERYONE IN THE UNIVERSE
1% FAMILY
2% JOB
97% WHATEVER YOU SEE ON YOUR PHONE
THAT’S MORE ACCURATE THAN I CARE TO ADMIT.
THAT’LL BE $200, PLEASE.

HOWDY-DO, RAT.
IT'S A MONDAY. WHAT ARE YOU SO CHIPPER ABOUT?
WELL, I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW EVERYONE LOVES FRIDAYS. AND WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE IT'S ONE DAY AWAY FROM THE WEEKEND.
AND SO IS MONDAY!
SOMETIMES YOU'RE SO DUMB IT HURTS.
NOW WEDNESDAYS I CAN'T HELP YOU WITH.

Dear Uncle Sam,
I recently read that the Pentagon cannot account for half of its four trillion dollars in assets.
That’s roughly two trillion dollars that nobody can find.
That probably deserves a sad face emoticon.
I bring all this up because I recently got a letter from the federal government saying I have not paid any taxes in five years.
This is not true, as I paid my taxes in all five of those years.
So, you may be wondering, where exactly is all that money I sent you?
It’s somewhere in that two trillion dollars you can’t find.
THEY CAN’T PROVE YOU WRONG!
I’M A TAX GURU!