Pearls Before Swine | Search

ISN'T IT AMAZING TO BE ALIVE AT THIS MOMENT OF TIME WHEN SO MANY TECHNOLOGICAL INNOVATIONS ARE OCCURRING AND WE KNOW MORE THAN WE EVER KNEW BEFORE?
NINETY-FIVE PERCENT OF THE UNIVERSE IS COMPOSED OF DARK MATTER AND DARK ENERGY AND WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS.
LET'S IGNORE THAT PART.
I'M HOPING IT'S PIZZA AND BEER.

TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
AND THE CLOSEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN TO THE END OF IT.
PLEASE DON'T WRITE ON MY MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS.
JUST KEEPING IT REAL.

HEY, STEPH… WHAT'S IT LIKE BEING A CREATIVE PERSON?
FOR ME? WELL…
ONE DAY YOU CAN SEE THE BEAUTY IN ALL THAT YOU SEE… YOU WANT TO BE EVERYWHERE, DO EVERYTHING… YOUR ABILITY FEELS LIMITLESS…
IDEAS ARE EASY… THEY COME TO YOU IN BURSTS, SOMETIMES FULLY FORMED, LIKE YOU’RE NOTHING BUT AN ANTENNA.
THEN… THE CHEMICALS SHIFT IN YOUR BRAIN.
YOU WANT THE WORLD TO END. EVERYTHING FEELS HOPELESS. YOU SIT IN A CLOSET ALONE, BECAUSE DARKNESS IS COMFORTING.
THERE ARE NO IDEAS. THERE’S NO POINT TO IDEAS.
THEN… THE CHEMICALS SHIFT BACK.
YOU HAVEN’T ANSWERED.
JOYOUS!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M A TORTURED ARTIST.
YOU HAVE NO ARTISTIC SKILL.
I'M DOING THIS PART FIRST.
THE SKILL PART HELPS.
I'LL GET TO THAT EVENTUALLY.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, I'VE SEARCHED HIGH AND LOW... READ ALL THE GREAT WORKS... STUDIED ALL THE PHILOSOPHIES... ABSORBED ALL THE RELIGIONS, BUT I AM STILL BURDENED BY THE SAME PERSISTENT QUESTION...
WHAT IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS?
IT'S JUST BEER.
WE MAKE LIFE TOO HARD.

I'M HEADING TO SAN MIGUEL DE ALLENDE NEXT WEEK. IT'S A TOWN IN MEXICO FILLED WITH EXPATS.
OH, SORRY, PIG, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORD EXPAT MEANS?
YES, I KNOW WHAT EXPAT MEANS.
PEOPLE LIKE TOM BRADY.
NOT WHAT AN EXPAT IS.
SO WHY IS TOM LIVING IN MEXICO?

I THINK YOU JUST GOTTA TELL HIM IT'S NOT ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
LIKE HOW MANY OTHER "JOES" ARE EVEN OUT THERE FOR YOU? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
HE SHOULD BE VERY WORRIED, YOU KNOW WHAT I--
WE KNOW WHAT YOU @#$%@ MEAN!!
SOME EXPRESSIONS YOU CAN ONLY TOLERATE FOR SO LONG.
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, I'M HERE FOR THE SUPPORT GROUP FOR 'WINDOWS.'
'WINDOWS' IS VERY CLOSE TO 'WIDOWS.'

MONDAY RESOLUTION
I cannot control everything that happens to me. But I CAN control how I respond to it.
AAAAAHHHHHHH!!
SCREAMING IS ALWAYS A SOLID OPTION.

MOTIVATIONAL SEMINAR
NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS IN LIFE, YOU HAVE TO KEEP GOING.
NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS IN LIFE, YOU HAVE TO KEEP GOING!
HOW?
NO ONE EVER TELLS YOU THE IMPORTANT PART.

I'D REALLY LOVE TO TAKE YOU ON A DATE, SARA.
WHY SHOULD I DATE YOU, PIG?
BECAUSE I GIVE EVERYONE I DATE MY LOVE AND ATTENTION AS PART OF MY PATENTED SYSTEM I CALL 'SHOWING TRUE DEVOTION.'
'SID.' FOR SHORT.
NO ONE WANTS MY STD.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS... HOW MANY YEARS DO I GET IN THIS LIFE?
NOBODY KNOWS.
EVEN A PARKING METER TELLS YOU HOW MANY MINUTES ARE LEFT.
LIFE IS CRUELER THAN A PARKING METER.

HEY RAT, I CALLED TO GET YOUR HELP ON SOMETHING, BUT YOU DIDN'T ANSWER.
OH. I HAD THE DO NOT DISTURB FEATURE ON.
HOW LONG DID YOU HAVE IT ON FOR?
SINCE I BOUGHT THE PHONE SIX YEARS AGO.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO HATE OR ADMIRE HIM.
HE'S MY HERO.

DO YOU
STILL WRITE
THIS COMIC IN
CAFES?
YEP.
BUT I THOUGHT
YOU DIDN'T LIKE TO
BE DISTURBED
BY OTHER PEOPLE
WHEN YOU WRITE.
I DON'T, SO I WEAR HEADPHONES AND
A HOODIE AND PULL THE BRIM OF MY
HAT WAY DOWN LOW.
SO YOU'RE LIKE
A UNABOMBER
WHO LIKES
PUNS.
NO.
I SAW YOUR
PICTURE IN THE
POST OFFICE!

HEY, RAT, HOW DO YOU PAN SEAR A TROUT?
A TROUT? I CAN GIVE YOU STEP-BY-STEP HELP WITH THAT. GOT A PEN?
SURE.
OKAY, WRITE THIS DOWN.
GOOGLE IT.
I HATE WHEN HE DOES THAT.

WHERE YOU OFF TO, RAT?
I HAVE A DATE TODAY.
OH, NICE. ARE YOU EXCITED?
NO. IT WILL BE A TOTAL, UNMITIGATED DISASTER.
WHY WOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
SET THE BAR LOW AND ALL OF LIFE IS A PLEASANT SURPRISE.
HARD TO ARGUE.
LIFE WILL BE @#*%@ TODAY!

JIMMY'S LIFELONG GOAL WAS TO CLIMB TO THE TOP OF THE WORLD.
SO JIMMY CLIMBED.
AND JIMMY CLIMBED.
GRUNT GRUNT
AND EVENTUALLY, JIMMY REACHED THE TOP.
WHAT NOW?
YOU JUST GO BACK DOWN.
JIMMY CONCLUDED THAT ACHIEVEMENT WAS OVERRATED.
HOW INSPIRATIONAL.
I KNOW. WE SHOULD ALL JUST SIT AROUND AND DO NOTHING.
I DO THAT ALREADY!

I GOTTA GO. I GOTTA GET IN MY 10,000 STEPS TODAY.
I THOUGHT YOU JUST WALKED FIVE MILES.
I DID. BUT I FORGOT TO TAKE MY PHONE, SO I DIDN'T GET CREDIT FOR IT.
BUT YOUR BODY GOT THE HEALTH BENEFIT. ISN'T THAT THE POINT?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE POINT OF ANYTHING IS ANYMORE BECAUSE THIS PHONE CONTROLS MY WHOLE G#@%$#*& LIFE!!
ADMITTING IT IS THE FIRST STEP TOWARD RECOVERY.
I CURSE STEVE JOBS FROM AFAR.

I'M RESEARCHING BLACK HOLES, BUT I CAN'T FIND HOW BIG THEY ARE.
BING IT.
DO WHAT NOW?
USE BING. IT'S A SEARCH ENGINE.
I THINK YOU'RE MAKING THAT UP.
GOOGLE IT TO BE SURE.
BING IS A THING!

HEY, GOAT, WHATCHA DOING?
JUST TRYING TO DO SOME DEEP THINKING.
OOOH. I LIKE TO DO DEEP THINKING... WHAT ARE WE THINKING ABOUT?
WHETHER THERE'S LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS.
THE BOARD GAME OR THE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
I'VE BEEN ASKED TO THINK ON MY OWN.

Dear all the people who have ever died...
What happens to us?
I'M HOPING ONE OF THEM SPILLS THE BEANS.

MY ENTIRE WORLD WAS SMASHED INTO PIECES THIS MORNING.
SO I'M GOING TO CRY IN A DARK ROOM AND CONTEMPLATE WHETHER LIFE ITSELF IS STILL WORTH LIVING.
HIS WORDLE STREAK ENDED.
I THINK IT WILL BE OKAY.
DON'T YOU DARE MINIMIZE MY GRIEF.

HEY, PIG, HOW YA DOING?
HI, FRANNY FRENCH BREAD. YOU SURE ARE LOOKING GREAT TODAY.
OH, SURE. COMPLIMENT HER BECAUSE SHE'S SO SHAPELY AND WELL-BUILT. IT'S NOT MY FAULT I WAS BORN WITH A SMALL BOSOM, YOU CROISSANT JERK.
FLATBREAD.

OH, GREAT...WHAT'S THIS TIME-WASTING THING?
CAN I SEE YOUR CLUES VERY FRUSTRATING PUZZLE?
CROSS WORDS PLEASE.

SORRY TO BE RUDE, PIG, BUT DID YOU JUST EAT A PIZZA?
NO.
THEN WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
MY COLOGNE.
EAU DE PEPPERONI IS NOT THE HIT I ENVISIONED.