Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, GOAT. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE AMERICAN PATRIOTS WHO STARTED THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR IN YORKTOWN, VIRGINIA?
CONCORD MASSACHUSETTS.
NO!
WHAT?
CONQUERED MASSACHUSETTS?
YES.
AND HERE I THOUGHT WE WERE FIGHTING ENGLAND.
I NEVER KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

THIS ARTICLE SAYS THAT A MAJORITY OF GERMAN MEN RELIEVE THEMSELVES SITTING DOWN.
ISN'T THAT ODD? I DON'T KNOW EVEN ONE AMERICAN MAN WHO DOES THAT.
THERE ARE SOME THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT A GUY.
WIVES APPRECIATE THE LITTLE THINGS!
HOW LITTLE OF A THING?

WHAT'S THAT, RAT?
IT'S AN AMAZING CHART BREAKING DOWN MY EMOTIONS AFTER SPENDING MY FREE TIME ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
PERCENTAGE BREAKDOWN OF MY EMOTIONS AFTER BEING ON SOCIAL MEDIA
Depressed 46%
Insecure 45%
Alienated 9%
THOSE EFFECTS ARE PRETTY WELL-KNOWN, SO WHAT'S THE AMAZING PART?
THE BREAKDOWN OF HOW I'LL SPEND MY FREE TIME TOMORROW.
BEING ON SOCIAL MEDIA 97%
MAYBE THINKING ABOUT NOT BEING ON SOCIAL MEDIA 3%
SCIENCE HAS NO EXPLANATION.

WHY DO SO MANY PEOPLE WANT TO COME TO THIS COUNTRY?
BECAUSE DESPITE ALL OUR PROBLEMS, WE'RE STILL THE LAND OF OPPORTUNITY, AND PEOPLE WANT TO BE A PART OF THAT.
SO THAT'S WHERE THAT EXPRESSION COMES FROM.
WHAT EXPRESSION?
IMMIGRATION IS THE SINCEREST FORM OF FLATTERY.
SOMETIMES HIS STUPIDITY LEADS TO BRILLIANCE.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, I'M BOTHERED BY PEOPLE ON MY COMMUTE. PEOPLE AT WORK. PEOPLE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD. WHAT DO I DO?
THE KEY IS TO MAKE SO MUCH MONEY YOU CAN FLY OFF AND DO WHATEVER YOU WANT AND NOT BE DEPENDENT ON ANYONE.
AMAZING! THANK YOU.
EXACTLY HOW DO I DO THAT?
THAT'S WHERE I ALWAYS GET STUCK.

HI. WELCOME TO HELL.
HELL. HUH? HOW OFTEN DO YOU HAVE ALL OF THESE FLAMES?
ALL THE TIME. IT'S HELL.
OKAY, OKAY... GOT A SKEWER AND A BAG OF MARSHMALLOWS?
ACTUALLY, I DO.
TERRIFIC. YOU HAVE YOURSELF A GREAT MONDAY.
GOTTA APPRECIATE A GOOD ATTITUDE.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
MY NEW INVENTION, RoCo... IT STANDS FOR 'ROBOT CONGRESSMAN.'
WHAT DOES IT DO?
NOT MUCH. WHICH IS THE POINT. SINCE EVERYONE IN CONGRESS VOTES HOWEVER THEIR PARTY TELLS THEM TO, I PROGRAMMED RoCo TO DO THE SAME.
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, YOU JUST TELL RoCo HOW HIS PARTY VOTED AND HE DOES THE REST. HERE, WATCH...
HEY, RoCo, YOUR PARTY'S VOTING 'YES' ON A BILL. HOW WILL YOU VOTE?
I will vote yes.
OH NO, RoCo, YOUR PARTY'S NOW VOTING 'NO.' HOW WILL YOU VOTE?
I will vote no.
SEE? SINCE HE DOES EXACTLY WHAT HUMAN CONGRESSMEN DO, WE CAN JUST USE ROBOTS FROM NOW ON.
Now hand me the bribes.
CAMPAIGN DONATIONS! WE CALL THEM CAMPAIGN DONATIONS!
WE'RE STILL WORKING OUT A FEW KINKS.

HEY, STEPH. HOW OLD ARE YOU NOW?
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'M 58.
OH, I BELIEVE IT.
THAT'S NOT HOW MOST PEOPLE ANSWER.
DO MOST PEOPLE SAY, YOU MUST MEAN SIXTY-EIGHT?
I NEVER IMPROVE HIS DAY.

WHEN YOU'RE ON A HIGHWAY, WHAT LANE DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE IN?
WHAT DOES THAT MATTER?
IT'S MY WAY OF SEPARATING THOSE PEOPLE WHO LEAD A HIGH-OCTANE LIFE FROM THOSE WHO DON'T.
AH...WELL, I PREFER THE SLOW LANE. SO I PRESUME YOU CHOOSE THE FAST LANE?
OPPOSING LANE.
GET HELP.
I'M NEVER BORED.

GREETINGS!
WELCOME TO
THE NETHER-
WORLD!
WHAT THE...?
WHAT AM I
DOING DOWN
HERE?
YOU USED TO MERGE ONTO
THE FREEWAY AT 45 MPH,
A PRIMARY CAUSE OF
GRIDLOCK.
SO NOW I
DON'T GET
TO GO TO
HEAVEN?
HEAVEN
DOESN'T
LIKE
GRIDLOCK.
I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT
THAT WAS OBVIOUS.

Percentage breakdown of conversations twenty years ago...
by DR. RAT
BOOKS (8%)
WORK (12%)
MOVIES/TV (9%)
MUSIC/ART (10%)
TRAVEL (8%)
DAILY ACTIVITIES (12%)
POLITICS (3%)
HEALTH (15%)
GOSSIP (11%)
FAMILY STUFF (12%)
Percentage breakdown of conversations NOW...
POLITICS (95%)
MORE POLITICS (3%)
MAYBE SOMETHING OTHER THAN POLITICS (2%)
I THINK I'VE IDENTIFIED SOCIETY'S PROBLEM.
ART?! PEOPLE TALKED ABOUT ART?

HEY, GOAT. I NOTICE YOU DIDN'T SEND ME A THANK-YOU CARD LAST WEEK.
I'M SORRY. DID YOU GIVE ME A GIFT?
YES.
WHAT WAS IT?
THE PRIVILEGE OF HAVING ME IN YOUR LIFE.
YOU MIGHT HAVE AN INFLATED SENSE OF SELF.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MANNERS?

HOW IS IT THAT BIRDS CAN SIT ON ELECTRICAL WIRES AND NOT GET ELECTROCUTED?
YOU HAVEN'T HEARD? BIRDS AREN'T REAL. THEY'RE DRONES CREATED BY THE GOVERNMENT, AND THEY'LL DO WHAT-EVER THEY HAVE TO DO TO KEEP YOU FROM KNOWING THAT FACT.
Kill the rat

HOWDY-DO. WELCOME TO THE NETHER-WORLD.
WHAT THE $#!* AM I DOING DOWN HERE?
BECAUSE OF THE LIFE YOU LED.
THE LIFE I LED? I WAS A GOOD HUSBAND... A GOOD FATHER...
I WAS KIND TO ANIMALS... I VOLUNTEERED AT THE FOOD BANK...
I EVEN CREATED A SCHOLARSHIP FOR UNDERPRIVILEGED STUDENTS.
YEP YEP I HAVE ALL THAT.
SO WHY AM I HERE WITH YOU?
LOOKS LIKE YOUR CASE CAME DOWN TO ELEVATORS.
ELEVATORS?
YOU PUSHED FLOOR BUTTONS THAT WERE ALREADY LIT. WHAT'D YOU THINK- THAT YOU'D GET THERE TWICE AS FAST?
THERE HAS TO BE A PRICE FOR THAT.

HIYA, RAT.
HI, PIG...I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS.
THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT UNLIKE MANY UNFORTUNATE FOLK, YOU AND ME HAVE A HOUSE TO LIVE IN.
THAT'S TRUE
WHAT'S
THE BAD
NEWS?
I LOST
THAT
HOUSE
GAMBLING.
ALWAYS LEAD WITH THE
POSITIVE.

RAT GOT A JOB DOING PARENT/
TEACHER CONFERENCES...YOU
KNOW, THOSE THINGS WHERE
TEACHERS TELL THE PARENTS
HOW THE KID'S PERFORMING?
BUT HE'S
NOT A
TEACHER.
I
KNOW.
SO WHY'S
HE DOING
THAT?
HE
SAYS ITS
FUN.
ONE WAY JOHNNY CAN
IMPROVE IS BY HAVING
WAY BETTER PARENTS.

WHAT ARE YOU DRAWING, RAT?
A GRAPH SHOWING THE CAUSES OF ALL MY PROBLEMS IN LIFE.
OTHER PEOPLE (81%)
THE UNIVERSE CONSPIRING AGAINST ME (12%)
THE GOVERNMENT (7%)
I DON'T SEE PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.
THE PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY OF OTHERS IS IMPLIED.

YOU EVER HEAR ABOUT THIS PAVLOV GUY? HE CONDITIONED THESE DUMB DOGS TO GET EXCITED AT THE SOUND OF A BELL.
DING!
DING!
DING!
FORGOT WHAT YOU WERE SAYING.
I WAS SAYING SOMETHING?
I GOT A TEXT!

HI. WELCOME TO THE PORTAL TO THE LOWEST CIRCLE OF HELL.
WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THAT?
LEAF BLOWER. 8 A.M. ON A SATURDAY.
WISH THERE WAS A BIGGER PUNISHMENT I COULD GIVE THEM.

WHY DO WE SIT UP HERE ON TELEPHONE WIRES?
WHAT CHOICE DO WE HAVE?
WELL, I'VE BEEN DOING SOME RESEARCH AND IT TURNS OUT THERE ARE THINGS CALLED CHAIRS AND COUCHES.
THIS IS LIFE-CHANGING.

HI. WELCOME TO THE AFTERLIFE.
I KNEW I’D MAKE IT HERE! I WAS A GOOD PERSON!
WELL, YES. LOOKS LIKE YOU WERE. BUT MY BOOKS SHOW YOU WERE ALSO ANNOYING AS @#%G.
ANNOYING? ANNOYING HOW?
WELL, TAKE GROCERY SHOPPING... YOU TOOK UP TWO PARKING SPOTS, BLOCKED THE AISLE WITH YOUR CART, YELMED FOREVER WITH THE CASHIER WHEN THERE WAS A LINE, AND LEFT YOUR CART IN A PARKING SPOT.
SO?
AH YES... EVERYONE IN YOUR POSITION ALWAYS ASKS THAT. SO LET ME CUT RIGHT TO THE CHASE.
YOU JUST CAN’T BLOCK THE GROCERY AISLE.

HEY,
ARE
YOU
RAT?
YEAH.
WHO'S
ASKING?
GUS. I READ YOUR COMIC
STRIP AND I GOTTA SAY I
REALLY HATE THE PUNS. SO
I'M HOPING THE WHOLE STRIP
FAILS.
WE HAVE MET THE ENEMY
AND HE IS GUS.
I'M ROOTING FOR GUS.

WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?
JUST FEELING GREAT ABOUT MYSELF. BECAUSE IN THE WORDS OF TAYLOR SWIFT, YOU CAN'T SPELL AWESOME WITHOUT ME.
ARRGH... I CANT STAND STUPID EXPRESSIONS LIKE THAT... THEY BUG THE G#@# OUTF OF ME.
WHY DO YOU GET SO MAD ABOUT STUFF LIKE THAT?
BECAUSE YOU CANT SPELL 'RANT' WITHOUT RAT.
I PREFER AWESOME.

RUB RUB RUB
POOF
FOR FREEING ME FROM MY CAMP, I SHALL GRANT YOU ANY WISH IN THE WORLD!
COULD YOU MAKE TRADER JOE'S PARKING LOTS CARGER?
HE SAID THERE'S SOME THINGS EVEN HE CAN'T DO.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?
I GIVE YOU A HOT TAKE ON SOMETHING AND YOU TRY TO CHANGE MY MIND. HERE... WATCH...
I THINK ALL CREATIVE PEOPLE DO THEIR BEST WORK BY THE AGE OF 57. AFTER THAT, IT'S STRAIGHT DOWNHILL.
YOU KNOW I'M 58.
SOMETIMES IT CAN GET A LITTLE PERSONAL.