Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHEN YOU'RE ON A HIGHWAY, WHAT LANE DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE IN?
WHAT DOES THAT MATTER?
IT'S MY WAY OF SEPARATING THOSE PEOPLE WHO LEAD A HIGH-OCTANE LIFE FROM THOSE WHO DON'T.
AH...WELL, I PREFER THE SLOW LANE. SO I PRESUME YOU CHOOSE THE FAST LANE?
OPPOSING LANE.
GET HELP.
I'M NEVER BORED.

GREETINGS!
WELCOME TO
THE NETHER-
WORLD!
WHAT THE...?
WHAT AM I
DOING DOWN
HERE?
YOU USED TO MERGE ONTO
THE FREEWAY AT 45 MPH,
A PRIMARY CAUSE OF
GRIDLOCK.
SO NOW I
DON'T GET
TO GO TO
HEAVEN?
HEAVEN
DOESN'T
LIKE
GRIDLOCK.
I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT
THAT WAS OBVIOUS.

Percentage breakdown of conversations twenty years ago...
by DR. RAT
BOOKS (8%)
WORK (12%)
MOVIES/TV (9%)
MUSIC/ART (10%)
TRAVEL (8%)
DAILY ACTIVITIES (12%)
POLITICS (3%)
HEALTH (15%)
GOSSIP (11%)
FAMILY STUFF (12%)
Percentage breakdown of conversations NOW...
POLITICS (95%)
MORE POLITICS (3%)
MAYBE SOMETHING OTHER THAN POLITICS (2%)
I THINK I'VE IDENTIFIED SOCIETY'S PROBLEM.
ART?! PEOPLE TALKED ABOUT ART?

HEY, GOAT. I NOTICE YOU DIDN'T SEND ME A THANK-YOU CARD LAST WEEK.
I'M SORRY. DID YOU GIVE ME A GIFT?
YES.
WHAT WAS IT?
THE PRIVILEGE OF HAVING ME IN YOUR LIFE.
YOU MIGHT HAVE AN INFLATED SENSE OF SELF.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MANNERS?

HOW IS IT THAT BIRDS CAN SIT ON ELECTRICAL WIRES AND NOT GET ELECTROCUTED?
YOU HAVEN'T HEARD? BIRDS AREN'T REAL. THEY'RE DRONES CREATED BY THE GOVERNMENT, AND THEY'LL DO WHAT-EVER THEY HAVE TO DO TO KEEP YOU FROM KNOWING THAT FACT.
Kill the rat

HOWDY-DO. WELCOME TO THE NETHER-WORLD.
WHAT THE $#!* AM I DOING DOWN HERE?
BECAUSE OF THE LIFE YOU LED.
THE LIFE I LED? I WAS A GOOD HUSBAND... A GOOD FATHER...
I WAS KIND TO ANIMALS... I VOLUNTEERED AT THE FOOD BANK...
I EVEN CREATED A SCHOLARSHIP FOR UNDERPRIVILEGED STUDENTS.
YEP YEP I HAVE ALL THAT.
SO WHY AM I HERE WITH YOU?
LOOKS LIKE YOUR CASE CAME DOWN TO ELEVATORS.
ELEVATORS?
YOU PUSHED FLOOR BUTTONS THAT WERE ALREADY LIT. WHAT'D YOU THINK- THAT YOU'D GET THERE TWICE AS FAST?
THERE HAS TO BE A PRICE FOR THAT.

HIYA, RAT.
HI, PIG...I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS.
THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT UNLIKE MANY UNFORTUNATE FOLK, YOU AND ME HAVE A HOUSE TO LIVE IN.
THAT'S TRUE
WHAT'S
THE BAD
NEWS?
I LOST
THAT
HOUSE
GAMBLING.
ALWAYS LEAD WITH THE
POSITIVE.

RAT GOT A JOB DOING PARENT/
TEACHER CONFERENCES...YOU
KNOW, THOSE THINGS WHERE
TEACHERS TELL THE PARENTS
HOW THE KID'S PERFORMING?
BUT HE'S
NOT A
TEACHER.
I
KNOW.
SO WHY'S
HE DOING
THAT?
HE
SAYS ITS
FUN.
ONE WAY JOHNNY CAN
IMPROVE IS BY HAVING
WAY BETTER PARENTS.

WHAT ARE YOU DRAWING, RAT?
A GRAPH SHOWING THE CAUSES OF ALL MY PROBLEMS IN LIFE.
OTHER PEOPLE (81%)
THE UNIVERSE CONSPIRING AGAINST ME (12%)
THE GOVERNMENT (7%)
I DON'T SEE PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.
THE PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY OF OTHERS IS IMPLIED.

YOU EVER HEAR ABOUT THIS PAVLOV GUY? HE CONDITIONED THESE DUMB DOGS TO GET EXCITED AT THE SOUND OF A BELL.
DING!
DING!
DING!
FORGOT WHAT YOU WERE SAYING.
I WAS SAYING SOMETHING?
I GOT A TEXT!

HI. WELCOME TO THE PORTAL TO THE LOWEST CIRCLE OF HELL.
WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THAT?
LEAF BLOWER. 8 A.M. ON A SATURDAY.
WISH THERE WAS A BIGGER PUNISHMENT I COULD GIVE THEM.

WHY DO WE SIT UP HERE ON TELEPHONE WIRES?
WHAT CHOICE DO WE HAVE?
WELL, I'VE BEEN DOING SOME RESEARCH AND IT TURNS OUT THERE ARE THINGS CALLED CHAIRS AND COUCHES.
THIS IS LIFE-CHANGING.

HI. WELCOME TO THE AFTERLIFE.
I KNEW I’D MAKE IT HERE! I WAS A GOOD PERSON!
WELL, YES. LOOKS LIKE YOU WERE. BUT MY BOOKS SHOW YOU WERE ALSO ANNOYING AS @#%G.
ANNOYING? ANNOYING HOW?
WELL, TAKE GROCERY SHOPPING... YOU TOOK UP TWO PARKING SPOTS, BLOCKED THE AISLE WITH YOUR CART, YELMED FOREVER WITH THE CASHIER WHEN THERE WAS A LINE, AND LEFT YOUR CART IN A PARKING SPOT.
SO?
AH YES... EVERYONE IN YOUR POSITION ALWAYS ASKS THAT. SO LET ME CUT RIGHT TO THE CHASE.
YOU JUST CAN’T BLOCK THE GROCERY AISLE.

HEY,
ARE
YOU
RAT?
YEAH.
WHO'S
ASKING?
GUS. I READ YOUR COMIC
STRIP AND I GOTTA SAY I
REALLY HATE THE PUNS. SO
I'M HOPING THE WHOLE STRIP
FAILS.
WE HAVE MET THE ENEMY
AND HE IS GUS.
I'M ROOTING FOR GUS.

WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?
JUST FEELING GREAT ABOUT MYSELF. BECAUSE IN THE WORDS OF TAYLOR SWIFT, YOU CAN'T SPELL AWESOME WITHOUT ME.
ARRGH... I CANT STAND STUPID EXPRESSIONS LIKE THAT... THEY BUG THE G#@# OUTF OF ME.
WHY DO YOU GET SO MAD ABOUT STUFF LIKE THAT?
BECAUSE YOU CANT SPELL 'RANT' WITHOUT RAT.
I PREFER AWESOME.

RUB RUB RUB
POOF
FOR FREEING ME FROM MY CAMP, I SHALL GRANT YOU ANY WISH IN THE WORLD!
COULD YOU MAKE TRADER JOE'S PARKING LOTS CARGER?
HE SAID THERE'S SOME THINGS EVEN HE CAN'T DO.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?
I GIVE YOU A HOT TAKE ON SOMETHING AND YOU TRY TO CHANGE MY MIND. HERE... WATCH...
I THINK ALL CREATIVE PEOPLE DO THEIR BEST WORK BY THE AGE OF 57. AFTER THAT, IT'S STRAIGHT DOWNHILL.
YOU KNOW I'M 58.
SOMETIMES IT CAN GET A LITTLE PERSONAL.

WHERE WERE YOU YESTERDAY?
I WENT OUT WITH A COUPLE FRIENDS.
YOU HAVE FRIENDS OTHER THAN ME?
YEAH. I HAVE LOTS OF FRIENDS.
YOU LOUSY, CHEATING FRIEND POLYGAMIST.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S A THING.
I FEEL SO DIRTY.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO COOL TOYS— LIKE THE ONES I HAD AS A KID?
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE ‘SEA MONKEYS’. LITTLE THINGS YOU PUT IN WATER THAT I THINK BECAME ACTUAL MONKEYS.
NO. THEY DIDN’T.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THOSE WERE BRINE SHRIMP.
YOU’VE JUST RUINED A CORE MEMORY.

What are you doing, pig?
Reading news on social media.
Pig, for the most part, those are just lies spoon-fed to you by interest groups, politicians, corporations, and bots.
I'm not spoon-fed. I'm reading. And choosing what to read. So please don't use insulting words like "spoon-fed" that imply I'm some GEtTiNg a Handful of grain shoved in my mouth.
Pig, what do they call the part of the app where you get the news?
A newsfeed.
Depressing, isn't it?
Moooooo.

DO YOU HAVE A PHILOSOPHY THAT GUIDES YOU IN LIFE?
YES.
YOU CAN'T TRUST ANYONE BUT YOURSELF, AND YOU SHOULD DISTRUST YOURSELF MOST OF ALL.
THAT DOESN'T LEAVE A LOT OF OPTIONS.
THUS, I DRINK.

HEY, STEPH, HOW DO YOU THINK YOU'VE CHANGED AFTER 25 YEARS OF DOING THIS STRIP?
WELL, AS YOU GET OLDER, YOU GET A BIT MORE HUMBLE.
INTERESTING. LEMME ASK YOU THIS... I KNOW SOMETIMES WHEN YOU HAVE A STRIP IDEA, YOU TEXT IT TO YOURSELF. SO HOW DO YOU HAVE YOUR NAME ENTERED IN YOUR PHONE? IN OTHER WORDS, WHO DOES THE TEXT SAY IT'S FROM?
I DON'T THINK THAT'S REALLY RELEVANT TO ANY -
GENIUS GUY? YOU CALL YOURSELF GENIUS GUY?
THAT DIDN'T NEED TO BE SHARED.
AT BEST, YOU'RE ALMOST NOT STUPID GUY.

DON'T YOU HAVE A BIRTHDAY COMING UP?
YEAH. BUT IN LIEU OF GIFTS, I'M ASKING EVERYONE TO GIVE MONEY TO A CHARITY.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. I'D BE HAPPY TO DO THAT. DOES THE CHARITY HAVE A WEBSITE?
MAKEATRWEALTHYBEYONDHISWILDESTDREAMS.ORG
MAYBE I'LL JUST GET YOU A CARD.
THIS IS NO TIME TO BE CHEAP.

DID YOU SEE THIS GUY WHO GOT ARRESTED?
NO...WHAT HAPPENED?
GUESS HE MUST HAVE BEEN A COMEDIAN OR SOMETHING, BECAUSE HE GOT JAILED FOR A MAN'S LAUGHTER.
MANSLAUGHTER.
OH,GREAT. HE SLAUGHTERED SOME MAN FOR LAUGHING?
WHY DO I TRY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, NEIGHBOR STACI?
WELL, MY BACKGROUND'S IN ECONOMICS, SO I'M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A JOB HELPING THE FED.
HELPING THE FED? HELP THE HUNGRY, YOU MISGUIDED TWIT!
DID YOU KNOW THERE'S SOMETHING CALLED THE FEDERAL RESERVE?