Pearls Before Swine | Search

OH, GREAT WISE ASS... HOW MANY YEARS DO I GET IN THIS LIFE?
NOBODY KNOWS.
EVEN A PARKING METER TELLS YOU HOW MANY MINUTES ARE LEFT.
LIFE IS CRUELER THAN A PARKING METER.

HEY RAT, I CALLED TO GET YOUR HELP ON SOMETHING, BUT YOU DIDN'T ANSWER.
OH. I HAD THE DO NOT DISTURB FEATURE ON.
HOW LONG DID YOU HAVE IT ON FOR?
SINCE I BOUGHT THE PHONE SIX YEARS AGO.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO HATE OR ADMIRE HIM.
HE'S MY HERO.

DO YOU
STILL WRITE
THIS COMIC IN
CAFES?
YEP.
BUT I THOUGHT
YOU DIDN'T LIKE TO
BE DISTURBED
BY OTHER PEOPLE
WHEN YOU WRITE.
I DON'T, SO I WEAR HEADPHONES AND
A HOODIE AND PULL THE BRIM OF MY
HAT WAY DOWN LOW.
SO YOU'RE LIKE
A UNABOMBER
WHO LIKES
PUNS.
NO.
I SAW YOUR
PICTURE IN THE
POST OFFICE!

HEY, RAT, HOW DO YOU PAN SEAR A TROUT?
A TROUT? I CAN GIVE YOU STEP-BY-STEP HELP WITH THAT. GOT A PEN?
SURE.
OKAY, WRITE THIS DOWN.
GOOGLE IT.
I HATE WHEN HE DOES THAT.

WHERE YOU OFF TO, RAT?
I HAVE A DATE TODAY.
OH, NICE. ARE YOU EXCITED?
NO. IT WILL BE A TOTAL, UNMITIGATED DISASTER.
WHY WOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
SET THE BAR LOW AND ALL OF LIFE IS A PLEASANT SURPRISE.
HARD TO ARGUE.
LIFE WILL BE @#*%@ TODAY!

JIMMY'S LIFELONG GOAL WAS TO CLIMB TO THE TOP OF THE WORLD.
SO JIMMY CLIMBED.
AND JIMMY CLIMBED.
GRUNT GRUNT
AND EVENTUALLY, JIMMY REACHED THE TOP.
WHAT NOW?
YOU JUST GO BACK DOWN.
JIMMY CONCLUDED THAT ACHIEVEMENT WAS OVERRATED.
HOW INSPIRATIONAL.
I KNOW. WE SHOULD ALL JUST SIT AROUND AND DO NOTHING.
I DO THAT ALREADY!

I GOTTA GO. I GOTTA GET IN MY 10,000 STEPS TODAY.
I THOUGHT YOU JUST WALKED FIVE MILES.
I DID. BUT I FORGOT TO TAKE MY PHONE, SO I DIDN'T GET CREDIT FOR IT.
BUT YOUR BODY GOT THE HEALTH BENEFIT. ISN'T THAT THE POINT?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE POINT OF ANYTHING IS ANYMORE BECAUSE THIS PHONE CONTROLS MY WHOLE G#@%$#*& LIFE!!
ADMITTING IT IS THE FIRST STEP TOWARD RECOVERY.
I CURSE STEVE JOBS FROM AFAR.

I'M RESEARCHING BLACK HOLES, BUT I CAN'T FIND HOW BIG THEY ARE.
BING IT.
DO WHAT NOW?
USE BING. IT'S A SEARCH ENGINE.
I THINK YOU'RE MAKING THAT UP.
GOOGLE IT TO BE SURE.
BING IS A THING!

HEY, GOAT, WHATCHA DOING?
JUST TRYING TO DO SOME DEEP THINKING.
OOOH. I LIKE TO DO DEEP THINKING... WHAT ARE WE THINKING ABOUT?
WHETHER THERE'S LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS.
THE BOARD GAME OR THE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
I'VE BEEN ASKED TO THINK ON MY OWN.

Dear all the people who have ever died...
What happens to us?
I'M HOPING ONE OF THEM SPILLS THE BEANS.

MY ENTIRE WORLD WAS SMASHED INTO PIECES THIS MORNING.
SO I'M GOING TO CRY IN A DARK ROOM AND CONTEMPLATE WHETHER LIFE ITSELF IS STILL WORTH LIVING.
HIS WORDLE STREAK ENDED.
I THINK IT WILL BE OKAY.
DON'T YOU DARE MINIMIZE MY GRIEF.

HEY, PIG, HOW YA DOING?
HI, FRANNY FRENCH BREAD. YOU SURE ARE LOOKING GREAT TODAY.
OH, SURE. COMPLIMENT HER BECAUSE SHE'S SO SHAPELY AND WELL-BUILT. IT'S NOT MY FAULT I WAS BORN WITH A SMALL BOSOM, YOU CROISSANT JERK.
FLATBREAD.

OH, GREAT...WHAT'S THIS TIME-WASTING THING?
CAN I SEE YOUR CLUES VERY FRUSTRATING PUZZLE?
CROSS WORDS PLEASE.

SORRY TO BE RUDE, PIG, BUT DID YOU JUST EAT A PIZZA?
NO.
THEN WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
MY COLOGNE.
EAU DE PEPPERONI IS NOT THE HIT I ENVISIONED.

I'M DOING CROSSFIT TRAINING NOW.
I'VE BEEN DOING THAT FOR YEARS.
YOU HAVE?
YEP.
I WORK OUT IN A BAD MOOD.
NOT WHAT THE "CROSS" PART MEANS.
I DO IT EVEN WHEN I'M NOT WORKING OUT.

MEMO TO THE PEDESTRIANS OF THE WORLD...
IF I STOP MY CAR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET SO YOU, MR. PEDESTRIAN, CAN CROSS...
CAN YOU AT LEAST NOT SAUNTER??
MAYBE JUST SHOW SOME PATIENCE.
I DO BY NOT RUNNING THEM OVER.

I HAVE A FLIGHT TODAY, BUT I DON'T HAVE ALL THE INFO.
IF THAT'S AN IPHONE, JUST TEXT YOURSELF THE FLIGHT NUMBER.
WHAT FOR?
YOU JUST TAP THE TEXT YOU GET AND IT GIVES YOU THE TERMINAL, THE GATE, EVEN THE FLIGHT PATH.
HIS POOR HEAD EXPLODED.
DON'T TELL HIM IT WORKS WITH GOOGLE TOO.

I'M FASCINATED BY OUR GOVERNMENT'S SIMILARITY TO THE ROMAN REPUBLIC NEAR ITS DECLINE.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU, MR. SMART GUY, BUT THE ONLY REASON YOU KNOW SO MUCH IS THAT YOU'RE FROM A PRIVILEGED GROUP.
WHAT GROUP IS THAT?
GUYS WHO READ.
I INVITE YOU TO JOIN OUR SELECT GROUP.
SORRY. TOO BUSY WATCHING NETFLIX.

EVERYONE AROUND ME SEEMS TO BE LEADING LIVES THAT ARE BETTER THAN MINE.
WELL, YOU KNOW, PIG, THERE IS SOMETHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
Dear Everyone,
Please lead worse lives.

WHAT’S ALL THIS ?
MY NEW INVENTION, THE UNDO-ER. YOU JUST SMASH THIS CRYSTAL BALL WITH A MALLET AND YOU UNDO THE LAST TEN YEARS OF YOUR LIFE.
YOU MEAN ALL THE BAD STUFF THAT HAPPENED GETS UNDONE? ALL THE PEOPLE I’VE UPSET? THE BAD EXPERIENCES? THE FAILURES?
ALL BACK TO HOW IT WAS.
I CANNOT SMASH THIS CRYSTAL BALL FAST ENOUGH!
YOU ALSO LOSE ALL THE NEW FRIENDS YOU MADE AND THE GOOD EXPERIENCES YOU HAD AND EVERYTHING YOU LEARNED.
LIFE IS SO DARN TRICKY.

WHERE YOU GOING THIS SUMMER?
ENGLAND!
WHY ENGLAND?
BECAUSE I FOUND OUT YOU CAN RENT SALOON CARS! IT'S A CAR WITH A BAR IN IT!
A "SALOON CAR" IS WHAT BRITISH PEOPLE CALL A SEDAN.
NO WONDER WE WANTED INDEPENDENCE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT, RAT?
HI, NEIGHBOR BOB. I'VE BEEN READING A BOOK ON BEING A GOOD NEIGHBOR AND I'VE LEARNED THINGS.
LIKE WHAT ?
LIKE INSTEAD OF IMMEDIATELY JUDGING YOUR NEIGHBORS, TAKE THE TIME TO FIRST GET TO KNOW THEM BY ASKING QUESTIONS.
FIRST QUESTION: WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID?
IT'S HARD TO BE A GOOD NEIGHBOR.

HOW TO BE A POLITICAL CARTOONIST IN TWO EASY STEPS...
by RAT
STEP ONE:
Wait for a tragedy to occur in America.
STEP TWO:
Draw Statue of Liberty weeping.
THERE'S MORE TO IT THAN THAT.
IT'S HALF THE BATTLE.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, NO MATTER WHAT I DO, I CAN'T GET A DATE.
YOU JUST NEED CONFIDENCE.
HOW DO I GET THAT?
FROM DATING A FEW PEOPLE.
LONELINESS IS STARTING TO LOOK LIKE A GOOD OPTION.

I GOT A PINK SLIP AT WORK TODAY.
OH, NO, PIG! WHAT HAPPENED?
MY GIRLFRIEND WANTED ONE AND I WORK AT VICTORIA'S SECRET.
YOU REALLY OVERREACT TO THINGS.
PLEASE STOP TALKING.