Pearls Before Swine | Search

DO YOU HAVE A PHILOSOPHY THAT GUIDES YOU IN LIFE?
YES.
YOU CAN'T TRUST ANYONE BUT YOURSELF, AND YOU SHOULD DISTRUST YOURSELF MOST OF ALL.
THAT DOESN'T LEAVE A LOT OF OPTIONS.
THUS, I DRINK.

HEY, STEPH, HOW DO YOU THINK YOU'VE CHANGED AFTER 25 YEARS OF DOING THIS STRIP?
WELL, AS YOU GET OLDER, YOU GET A BIT MORE HUMBLE.
INTERESTING. LEMME ASK YOU THIS... I KNOW SOMETIMES WHEN YOU HAVE A STRIP IDEA, YOU TEXT IT TO YOURSELF. SO HOW DO YOU HAVE YOUR NAME ENTERED IN YOUR PHONE? IN OTHER WORDS, WHO DOES THE TEXT SAY IT'S FROM?
I DON'T THINK THAT'S REALLY RELEVANT TO ANY -
GENIUS GUY? YOU CALL YOURSELF GENIUS GUY?
THAT DIDN'T NEED TO BE SHARED.
AT BEST, YOU'RE ALMOST NOT STUPID GUY.

DON'T YOU HAVE A BIRTHDAY COMING UP?
YEAH. BUT IN LIEU OF GIFTS, I'M ASKING EVERYONE TO GIVE MONEY TO A CHARITY.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. I'D BE HAPPY TO DO THAT. DOES THE CHARITY HAVE A WEBSITE?
MAKEATRWEALTHYBEYONDHISWILDESTDREAMS.ORG
MAYBE I'LL JUST GET YOU A CARD.
THIS IS NO TIME TO BE CHEAP.

DID YOU SEE THIS GUY WHO GOT ARRESTED?
NO...WHAT HAPPENED?
GUESS HE MUST HAVE BEEN A COMEDIAN OR SOMETHING, BECAUSE HE GOT JAILED FOR A MAN'S LAUGHTER.
MANSLAUGHTER.
OH,GREAT. HE SLAUGHTERED SOME MAN FOR LAUGHING?
WHY DO I TRY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, NEIGHBOR STACI?
WELL, MY BACKGROUND'S IN ECONOMICS, SO I'M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A JOB HELPING THE FED.
HELPING THE FED? HELP THE HUNGRY, YOU MISGUIDED TWIT!
DID YOU KNOW THERE'S SOMETHING CALLED THE FEDERAL RESERVE?

PIG'S PLAN FOR SAVING A DIVIDED AMERICA
Right now it seems that the country is divided on almost everything.
GUN CONTROL BAD!
BIG GOVERNMENT BAD!
SOLAR BAD!
TAXES BAD!
OBAMACARE BAD!
GUN CONTROL GOOD!
BIG GOVERNMENT GOOD!
SOLAR GOOD!
TAXES GOOD!
OBAMACARE GOOD!
So if we're ever gonna heal our divisions, we need to start by identifying all the things we can agree on.
DOLLY PARTON IS GREAT.
DOLLY PARTON IS GREAT.
GOTTA START SOMEWHERE.
DOLLY WILL SAVE US!

WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON,PIG?
THE DE-LONELY-IZER. I INVENTED IT TO MAKE LONELY PEOPLE LESS LONELY. I’LL SHOW YOU HOW IT WORKS....
FRED HERE IS LONELY. AND HE’S LONELY BECAUSE ALL DAY HE STAYS AT HOME STARING AT HIS PHONE.
ENTER THE DE-LONELY-IZER...A GIANT, PATENTED TUBE THAT SUCKS HIM RIGHT OFF HIS LIVING ROOM COUCH.
AND SENDS HIM WHOOSHING TOWARD THE CENTER OF TOWN, WHERE HE CAN BE WITH ALL THE PEOPLE.
WHERE ARE ALL THE PEOPLE?
AT HOME STARING AT THEIR PHONES.
IT’S A REAL FLAW IN THE SYSTEM.
MAYBE JUST SUCK AWAY THE PHONES.

WHO'S THE SHEEP?
THAT'S BLISS, THE HAPPIEST SHEEP IN THE WORLD.
WHAT'S HER SECRET? MEDITATION? YOGA? THERAPY?
SHE DOESN'T OWN A SMART-PHONE.
WISH I'D THOUGHT OF THAT.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, HOW DO YOU SEPARATE THE IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE FROM THE THINGS THAT AREN'T IMPORTANT?
THE IMPORTANT THINGS ARE ALL THE THINGS YOU WOULD FOCUS ON IF YOU WERE ON A PLANE THAT WAS GOING DOWN AND YOU HAD ONLY ONE MINUTE TO LIVE.
SCREAMING AND FINDING A PARACHUTE?
HE'S ASKED ME TO NEVER COME BACK.

DID YOU KNOW THE SMITHS UP THE STREET HAVE A STUPID FAMILY CREST THAT GOES BACK 800 YEARS?
YEAH... IT'S WRITTEN IN LATIN WITH MEDIEVAL IMAGERY. WHY'S THAT STUPID?
BECAUSE THEY'RE NOBODIES. IF ANYONE SHOULD HAVE ONE, IT'S ME.
DONT TELL ME YOU...
RATICUS
BEER IS GOODETH
IDIOTS ARE BADETH
HOW NOBLE.
IT SUMS MY CLAN UP NICELY.

OH,NO.
I CAN'T FIND MY PHONE.
HEY SIR, WHERE ARE YOU?
Here I am.
WHERE?
Over here!
OH,MY GOODNESS.
I WAS SO WORRIED.
THANKS FOR SPEAKING UP.
You're welcome.
SIR!..
Hm hmm?
THIS IS THE BEST RELATIONSHIP I'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE.
Okay, now it's getting weird.

WHAT’S WITH THE TIE AND GLASSES?
I’M NOW A PSYCHIATRIST EVALUATING THE SOURCES OF STRESS FOR PEOPLE I’VE NEVER EVEN MET.
FIRST OFF, YOU’RE NOT LICENSED AS A PSYCHIATRIST. SECONDLY, HOW POSSIBLY EVALUATE THE SOURCES OF STRESS FOR PEOPLE YOU HAVEN’T MET?
SOURCES OF STRESS FOR EVERYONE IN THE UNIVERSE
1% FAMILY
2% JOB
97% WHATEVER YOU SEE ON YOUR PHONE
THAT’S MORE ACCURATE THAN I CARE TO ADMIT.
THAT’LL BE $200, PLEASE.

HOWDY-DO, RAT.
IT'S A MONDAY. WHAT ARE YOU SO CHIPPER ABOUT?
WELL, I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW EVERYONE LOVES FRIDAYS. AND WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE IT'S ONE DAY AWAY FROM THE WEEKEND.
AND SO IS MONDAY!
SOMETIMES YOU'RE SO DUMB IT HURTS.
NOW WEDNESDAYS I CAN'T HELP YOU WITH.

Dear Uncle Sam,
I recently read that the Pentagon cannot account for half of its four trillion dollars in assets.
That’s roughly two trillion dollars that nobody can find.
That probably deserves a sad face emoticon.
I bring all this up because I recently got a letter from the federal government saying I have not paid any taxes in five years.
This is not true, as I paid my taxes in all five of those years.
So, you may be wondering, where exactly is all that money I sent you?
It’s somewhere in that two trillion dollars you can’t find.
THEY CAN’T PROVE YOU WRONG!
I’M A TAX GURU!

WHAT’S
ALL
THIS?
MY FIRST-EVER INTERACTIVE STRIP.
GLOBAL WARMING COAL MINES
THIS EARTH WIND TURBINES
OCEAN OF PLASTIC WASTE STRIP
MINING SOLAR POWER IS TIME
RUNNING OUT BIG OIL NUCLEAR
PLANTS A LONG TERM SOLUTION
HOW’S
IT
WORK?
WELL, IT’S GONNA BE
ABOUT THE ENVIRON-
MENT BUT IT’S UP TO
THE READER TO CHOOSE
THE WORDS THAT MAKE
UP THE STRIP.
LIKE
THAT?
TAKE IT
DOWN.
THIS STRIP
IS A BIG
WASTE
OF
TIME

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
THIS BOOK ON THESE TRIALS IN SALEM, MASSACHUSETTS.
WHICH TRIALS?
YES.
YES WHAT?
WITCH.
YOU'D MAKE A TERRIBLE HISTORY TEACHER.

I HEAR YOU INVENTED A NEW CAR HORN.
YEAH. BECAUSE CARS CURRENTLY ONLY OFFER ONE FLAVOR OF HONK—LOUD. AND SOMETIMES YOU JUST WANT TO GIVE SOMEONE A GENTLE REMINDER.
CAN I TRY IT?
SURE. JUST PUSH THE LITTLE BUTTON.
*CLICK*
HIYA, FRIEND. THE LIGHT TURNED GREEN, WHICH PERHAPS YOU DIDN'T NOTICE BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO CONSUMED BY LIFE'S MANY WORRIES. HOPE THINGS IMPROVE!
A TAD LONG.
WE BELIEVE KINDNESS TAKES TIME.
DO YOU OFFER A "MOVE, G@#@#*%!?

Ever driving behind a car that doesn't go when the light turns green?
YOU WANT TO HONK, BUT YOUR CAR ONLY HAS ONE FLAVOR OF HONK - LOUD.
HONK
INTRODUCING...
LITTLE TOOTS
A QUIETER HONK FOR WHEN YOU JUST NEED A GENTLE REMINDER...
TOOT
MAYBE CHANGE THE NAME.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH LITTLE TOOTS?
IT STINKS.

EVER NOTICE HOW IF SOMEONE TALKS FOR TOO LONG AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS, THEY START PLAYING MUSIC TO GET THEM TO SHUT UP?
YEAH, BUT I’VE ALWAYS FOUND THAT RUDE BECAUSE SOMETIMES THE PERSON IS SOMEONE WHO—
YOU’RE GONNA START DOING IT TO FRIENDS?
YOU DO DRONE ON A BIT.

Dear Uncle Sam,
I understand our taxes are due soon.
As I have not liked how you've been spending my money, I will not be paying my taxes this year. Sort of like how you deprive a bad kid of their allowance.
Now go to your room.
SOMETIMES YOU NEED A TOUGH LOVE APPROACH.

THE THINGS STEPHAN PASTIS HAS TO DO WHEN HE WRITES... A TRUE TALE ABOUT THE CREATOR OF PEARLS BEFORE SWINE. HIM.
IF THE TISSUE IS STICKING OUT OF THE TISSUE BOX (AS IT NORMALLY IS)... STEPHAN WILL FIXATE ON IT.
SO BEFORE HE CAN START WRITING, HE HAS TO DUCK IT BACK INTO THE BOX SO IT LOOKS LIKE THIS. (WEIRD, HUH?)
IF HE CAN SEE THE SHINY METAL DOORKNOB ON HIS STUDIO DOOR... IT WILL DISTRACT HIM.
SO BEFORE HE BEGINS WORKING, HE HAS TO TAPE A PIECE OF PAPER OVER THE DOORKNOB. LIKE SO. (TOLD YOU HE WAS WEIRD)
IF ANY LAMP IS ON IN THE ROOM... HE BELIEVES THE IDEAS (THE MUSE?) WILL NOT COME.
SO HE TURNS OFF THE LAMPS AND USES ONLY THE SUNLIGHT THAT COMES IN AROUND THE CLOSED WINDOW SHADE.
BUT WAIT. IT GETS WEIRDER.
WHEN ONE OF HIS PENS RUNS OUT OF INK, HE HOLDS IT OUT IN FRONT OF HIS OTHER PENS AS A FORM OF TRIBUTE...
...FOR HE BELIEVES IF HE DOES NOT DO THIS, IT WILL ACT AS A JINX ON HIS CAREER AND
DID I SAY YOU COULD DISCUSS THIS?
NO. WHICH IS WHY IT'S FUN.
HE HAS MORE ISSUES THAN ME!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
LOOKING AT THIS BOOK I JUST FINISHED WRITING. HAVE A LOOK IF YOU WANT.
Why Do Good People Do Bad Things
It’s fun.
THAT'S THE WHOLE BOOK.
SOME BOOKS ARE EASIER TO WRITE THAN OTHERS.

HI, THERE...JUST WONDERING
IF YOU'D LIKE TO JOIN US AT
ST. ARNOLD CHURCH FOR
SUNDAY SERVICES.
OH, PLEASE...THE LAST THING
I NEED IS SOME GUY INTER-
RUPTING MY DAY TO PROMOTE
HIS FAITH.
DID YOU KNOW ST. ARNOLD
IS THE PATRON SAINT OF
BEER?
I'VE GIVEN MY LIFE TO
GOD.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, YEARS AGO, A FRIEND INVITED ME TO A BIG STEAK DINNER TO DISCUSS A BUSINESS PROPOSITION.
DID YOU SAY YES?
NO, DIDN'T HAVE THE TIME. BUT THEN HIS BUSINESS WENT ON TO MAKE BILLIONS.
SO YOUR LIFE HAS BEEN ONE BIG MISSED STEAK.
HIS ADVICE IS GETTING LESS AND LESS VALUABLE.

HOW MANY NEWSPAPERS RUN YOUR COMIC STRIP?
AROUND 900 OR SO.
WOW. SO THAT'S 900 OR SO EDITORS WHO'VE CHOSEN TO RUN YOUR WORK. IMPRESSIVE.
THANK YOU.
AND THIS IS BECAUSE YOU'VE THREATENED THEM WITH BODILY HARM?
BECAUSE OF THE QUALITY OF THE WORK.
NO, BUT SERIOUSLY, DO YOU HAVE MOB SUPPORT?