Pearls Before Swine | Search

I'M OFF TO DRIVE THROUGH THE SOUTH.
THAT'S GREAT. WHY ARE YOU GOING?
FOR THE FOOD?
FOR THE MUSIC?
CIVIL WAR STUFF?
BECAUSE THE WOMEN THERE CALL ME "BABY."
SOME GUYS DON'T NEED MUCH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
HELPING TO MAKE THIS SOCIAL MEDIA COMPANY A LITTLE MORE PROFITABLE.
OH, DID YOU GET A CONSULTING JOB WITH THEM?
NO. I THROW AWAY MY LIFE SCROLLING THROUGH VIDEOS SO THEY CAN MAKE MORE MONEY.
ALMOST MAKES ME MISS THE DAYS WHEN WE HAD LIVES.
AT LEAST NOW WE'RE COGS IN THE MACHINE!

I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY...
SAFE.
NO MORE WARS.
EVERYBODY GETS A FAIR SHAKE.
AND OUR KIDS GET A CHANCE TO HAVE A BETTER LIFE THAN US.
I SEE. DO YOU BELIEVE IN A LOT OF PETTINESS, NAME-CALLING, AND FINGER-POINTING?
NO.
OH.
I'M AFRAID YOU DON'T FIT INTO ANY OF OUR CURRENT POLITICAL PARTIES.
I MUST HAVE SOME VERY RADICAL VIEWS.

WELL, CONGRATULATE ME.
FOR WHAT?
I. THE ANTI-SOCIAL RAT. WENT TO A PARTY FILLED WITH PEOPLE.
HOW'D YOU DO IT?
I WORE HEADPHONES.
GOOD FOR YOU.
SO YOU COULDN'T HEAR ANYONE SPEAK.
I FOUND THEM QUITE PLEASANT.

Whuh you have dere, Junior?
VOCAB QUIZ.
Define the word “nomad”
Even when mom do stoopid things
-AND SHE DO LOTS
STOOPID THINGS-
me no mad.
I DON'T THINK I'LL HAVE MOM CHECK MY HOMEWORK TONIGHT.
No need. Carry get answer correct.

WE HAVE AN ADDICTION PROB-
LEM IN THIS COUNTRY. DRUGS
SO POWERFUL THEY CAUSE
PEOPLE TO THROW AWAY THEIR
ENTIRE LIVES.
YEAH, THAT'S WHY THE GOVERN-
MENT IS TRYING SO HARD TO
PREVENT THEM FROM GETTING
SMUGGLED IN THROUGH THE
BORDER.
SOCIAL MEDIA GETS SMUGGLED
IN THROUGH THE BORDER?
LET'S
START
OVER.
CAN THEY
TRAIN DOGS
TO SNIFF
FOR THAT?

WELL, SINCE I'VE NOW BEEN DOING 'PEARLS BEFORE SWINE' FOR TWENTY-FIVE YEARS, I THINK IT'S FINALLY TIME TO RETIRE.
APRIL FOOLS!
LIFE IS CRUEL.

HAPPY, YOU LITTLE G#@!?
THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT BY A FLIGHT OF BEERS.
OH, GREAT. NOW THEY'VE CRASHED.

SO I’M READING THIS BOOK ON BUGS... DID YOU KNOW THAT “BEETLE” IS SPELLED B-E-E-T-L-E’?
YEAH.
SO WHY DID THE ROCK GROUP THE BEATLES’ MISSPELL IT?
IT’S A REFERENCE TO THE BEAT OF THE MUSIC.
KABOOM
THE ‘HOW DID I GO A LIFE-TIME WITHOUT KNOWING THAT’ EFFECT.
IT HAPPENS.

MY REMINDER NOTES FROM YEARS AGO...
PICK UP DRY CLEANING
Buy anniversary card.
9:00 am Meeting w/ HR
Dentist Appointment Tomorrow Morn
Get birthday gift for Bob
Grocery list:
1 Eggs
2 Milk
3 Bananas
MY REMINDER NOTES NOW...
AVOID THE NEWS.
Turn off the phone.
TAKE A DEEP BREATH.
ONE DAY AT A TIME.
This too shall pass.
DON'T PUNCH ANYONE
SORRY THAT LAST ONE'S MINE.
WHATEVER HELPS.

HEY BOB, HOW GOES IT?
BOB’S DOING WONDERFUL, DEAR PIG. AND A BLESSED GOOD DAY TO YOU.
BOB SURE HAS A GOOD HEAD ON HIS SHOULDERS.

I HEARD IT SAID OF SOME ARTIST THAT HER WORK AGES LIKE FINE WINE.
YEAH, THAT MEANS IT GETS BETTER AND BETTER OVER TIME.
DO YOU THINK ANYONE WILL EVER SAY THAT ABOUT YOUR WORK?
THAT'S FOR OTHER PEOPLE TO SAY.
I THINK YOUR WORK WILL AGE LIKE MILK PAST ITS EXPIRATION DATE.
PEOPLE OTHER THAN YOU.
THE SMELL WILL DEFINITELY LINGER.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU MEET SOMEONE FOR THE FIRST TIME?
I TRY TO DETERMINE IF THEY'RE A GOOD PERSON OR A BAD PERSON.
AND HOW IN THE WORLD DO YOU DO THAT?
A ONE-QUESTION EXAM.
DO YOU RECLINE YOUR AIRPLANE SEAT WHEN THERE'S SOMEONE SEATED BEHIND YOU?
I'M DISTURBED BY HOW MUCH I AGREE WITH THAT.
IT'S THE ONLY INDICATOR YOU NEED.

HEY, CEO CHARLIE...WHAT'S BEEN HAPPENING AT YOUR CORPORATION?
WELL, I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF BAD THINGS FOR PROFIT THAT I ATONE FOR WHEN I DIE BY GIVING MY MONEY TO CHARITY AND GETTING MY NAME PUT ON BUILDINGS.
IS IT POSSIBLE HUMANITY WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF IF YOU JUST HADN'T DONE THE BAD THINGS IN THE FIRST PLACE?
OH, YES. BUT THEN I WOULDN'T GET MY NAME ON BUILDINGS.
I HAVE A LOT TO LEARN.

I'M BROKE... IF I DON'T FIND A JOB SOON, PIG AND I ARE GONNA BE HOMELESS.
WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD START NETWORKING.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S WHERE YOU GO OUT AND MEET PEOPLE ON PURPOSE.
PREPARE FOR A LIFE ON THE STREETS.

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN, AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
PRAYER BEFORE YOU START YOUR DAY?
BEFORE I WATCH THE NEWS.
AND HERE I JUST TURN IT OFF COMPLETELY.
TEACH ME THAT PRAYER!

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, IS IT IMPORTANT TO SOMETIMES TRY SOMETHING EVEN THOUGH WE MAY FAIL?
OH, YES. FOR WE CAN LEARN FROM THOSE FAILURES.
AND WHY IS IT IMPORTANT TO LEARN?
BECAUSE FROM LEARNING COMES IMPROVEMENT.
AND WHY IS IT IMPORTANT TO IMPROVE?
BECAUSE FROM IMPROVEMENT COMES SUCCESS.
AND WHY IS IT IMPORTANT TO SUCCEED?
BECAUSE FROM SUCCESS COMES HAPPINESS.
I'M HAPPY JUST TRYING NOTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE!
I'VE GAMED THE SYSTEM.

HEY, RAT, I HEAR YOU GOT A NEW BOSS AT THE CAFE. HOW IS HE?
OH, THAT GUY? HE'S DUMB AS ROCKS.
IT'S A CRUEL WORLD.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS... IS LIFE JUST ONE BIG LEARNING EXPERIENCE?
YES, MY SON. YOU GAIN WISDOM WITH EACH PASSING YEAR OF YOUR LIFE.
AND WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU FINALLY HAVE ALL THAT WISDOM?
YOU DIE.
THERE'S A FLAW IN THE SYSTEM.

HAVE YOU EVER GONE ON A DIET?
NEVER.
AND WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE THE WORLD WOULD BE WORSE OFF WITH LESS OF ME.
WHAT A HUMBLE RESPONSE.
NOW SOME GUYS WE DEFINITELY NEED LESS OF.

THIS HAS BEEN A NICE FIRST DATE PIG. IF YOU DON'T MIND, I HAVE SOME FUN, GET-TO-KNOW-YOU QUESTIONS I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU.
SURE.
IF YOU COULD BE ANY VEGETABLE, WHICH ONE WOULD YOU BE?
I'D BE AN ONION.
OH, GOOD ANSWER. BECAUSE YOU HAVE SO MANY LAYERS TO YOUR PERSONALITY?
BECAUSE JUST BEING AROUND ME MAKES PEOPLE CRY.
THERE WILL BE NO SECOND DATE.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THEY'RE NOW LETTING TRANSGENDER WOMEN PLAY WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL?
DID YOU KNOW THAT WHILE YOU WERE FOCUSED ON THAT, ONE AMERICAN HAS AMASSED AS MUCH WEALTH AS THAT OF 170,000,000 AMERICANS COMBINED?
DON'T TELL ME THAT PERSON'S TRYING TO PLAY VOLLEYBALL.
EVER LOSE ALL HOPE FOR YOUR FELLOW MAN?

TODAY'S LEARNING EXPERIENCE by RAT
You find yourself in a bad mood.
You know you should stay away from your phone, because otherwise you'll send a flurry of texts and emails you'll later regret.
You do it anyway.
WHAT EXACTLY WAS OUR LEARNING EXPERIENCE?
THAT WE LEARN NOTHING FROM OUR EXPERIENCE.

I DON'T.
ME NEITHER.
DEFINITELY NOT.
DITTO.
NO WAY.
AMEN.
LET'S HUG IT OUT.
LET'S.
I DON'T WANT A CIVIL WAR, DO YOU?
ONLY 339,000,000 MORE AMERICANS TO GO.
I MAY BE LATE FOR DINNER.

I HEAR YOU'RE DATING SOME NEW GIRL, BUT SHE'S BRINGING YOU DOWN. IF THAT'S THE CASE, WHY STAY WITH HER?
HERE'S YOUR DOWN. HOPE IT'S ENOUGH TO FILL YOUR PILLOW.
PLEASE STAY OUT OF MY PERSONAL BUSINESS.
YOU BRING US ALL DOWN.