Pearls Before Swine | Search

THANKS FOR CALLING ACME BANK. FOR VERIFICATION PURPOSES, CAN I GET YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER AND MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME?
I CAN'T REMEMBER, BUT I SWEAR TO GOD I'M NOT A CRIMINAL!!
I PANIC WHEN INTERROGATED.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE KEY TO PUTTING YOUR LIFE ON THE RIGHT TRACK?
ASKING YOURSELF THIS ONE SIMPLE QUESTION... AM I TRULY LIVING OR MERELY EXISTING?
WHICH OF THOSE AM I DOING WHEN I JUST SIT AROUND EVERY DAY EATING NACHOS?
I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE WORST PART ABOUT LIVING IN AMERICA?
THAT YOU CAN BE TRIED FOR A CRIME BY A JURY OF YOUR PEERS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
I HAVE NO PEERS.
I ALWAYS FORGET.
NOW A JURY OF TWELVE MES WOULD BE FINE.

HOW DO YOU CONTROL THE AMOUNT OF TIME YOU SPEND ON SOCIAL MEDIA?
AFTER FIFTEEN MINUTES, I ASK MYSELF, HAS THIS MADE MY LIFE ANY HAPPIER?
IF THE ANSWER IS NO, I'M NOT ANY HAPPIER, THEN I PUT THE PHONE DOWN AND STOP LOOKING.
AND HOW OFTEN IS THE ANSWER NO?
EVERY SINGLE TIME.
AT LEAST YOU PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN.
I ACTUALLY KEEP RIGHT ON LOOKING.

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY TO MY UNCLE FRANK!
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? I THOUGHT HE DIED.
HE DID. AND TODAY IS HIS BIRTHDAY. SO IT'S HIS HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY.
WE CONTINUE TO AGE IN HEAVEN?
NOT REALLY WHAT THAT MEANS.
I'LL HAVE A WALKER FOR ETERNITY!

WHATCHA DOING, NEIGHBOR BOB?
LOOKING FOR A JOB. HOW ABOUT YOU? DO YOU WORK FOR A LIVING?
I WORK FOR MONEY. I'M LIVING FOR GOOD FRIENDS AND FOOD AND MUSIC.
I CAN'T REALLY ARGUE.
WORKING FOR A LIVING SOUNDS SAD.

THANKS FOR GOING ON THIS DATE WITH ME, SARA.
SURE, PIG. I ASSUME BY NOW YOU'VE LOOKED UP MY PROFILE AND STUFF ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
NO... THAT'S A BIT OF A CREEPY THING TO DO.
IT'S OKAY IF YOU DID. NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING CURIOUS.
ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I LOOKED UP YOUR EMPLOYMENT AND SAW THAT YOU'RE A CHEESEMONGER AND I'M JUST DATING YOU FOR THE CHEESE!!!
I HAVE A KINK FOR CHEESE.

DO YOU THINK PEOPLE CAN FLY?
NO, PIG, OF COURSE NOT.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE I'M A CRITICAL THINKER, AND I BELIEVE IN SCIENCE. AND WHEN IT COMES TO EXPLANATIONS, I LOOK FOR THE RATIONAL.
I LOOK FOR THE MAGICAL.
IT DOES HAVE ITS ADVANTAGES.

CHECK OUT THESE JOKES I WROTE.
I THINK I HEARD A STAND-UP COMIC SAY THIS ONE.
OH, YEAH, IT'S AN HOMAGE.
WHEN IS SOMETHING AN HOMAGE AND NOT JUST JOKE-STEALING?
WHEN YOU CALL IT AN HOMAGE.
I LEARNED SO MUCH FROM THAT GUY.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, SHARE SOME OF YOUR IMMENSE WISDOM WITH ME.
NOTHING IN LIFE IS EVER AS GOOD AS IT SEEMS.
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, ONE DAY YOU'RE ENJOYING A TASTY HANDFUL OF JELLY BEANS WHEN--WHAM--YOU BITE INTO A BUTTERED POPCORN ONE AND SUDDENLY YOUR WHOLE DAY IS RUINED.
I ACTUALLY LIKE THE BUTTERED POPCORN ONES.
WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS.

I'VE JUST COME UP WITH THE SOLUTION TO ALL OUR NATION'S PROBLEMS.
IT'S A DRAWING OF AN ALLEY.
YEP.
WHAT'S AN ALLEY SUPPOSED TO DO?
THAT'S WHERE WE'RE GONNA SHOVE ALL THE PEOPLE FROM THE FAR LEFT AND THE FAR RIGHT AND LET THEM FIGHT IT OUT WITH STICKS SO THE REST OF US CAN GO BACK TO LIVING OUR LIVES IN PEACE.
WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER ALLEY.
AND HERE ARE THE REST OF US IN NORMALTOPIA.

Kind
Thoughtful
Smart
Caring
Well-read
Funny
Loving
Sweet
WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, GOAT?
A LIST OF ALL THE QUALITIES I LOOK FOR IN A POTENTIAL MATE. YOU SHOULD TRY MAKING ONE YOURSELF.
Desperate
IT'S THE ONLY CHANCE I'VE GOT.

HEY, WISE ASS, WHY AREN'T YOU ON YOUR HILL?
THERE IS NO PAST. THERE IS NO FUTURE. THERE IS ONLY THE PRESENT MOMENT. AND WE DON'T KNOW HOW MANY OF THEM WE HAVE LEFT. SO HUG YOUR LOVED ONES AND DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO CELEBRATE THE MOMENT THAT YOU'RE IN.
SOME WISDOM CAN'T WAIT.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?
A PIE CHART SHOWING ALL THE VARIOUS PARTS OF MY PERSONALITY. HELPS ME TO KEEP THINGS IN BALANCE.
CAN I SEE IT?
SURE.
I THINK I SEE AN ISSUE.
NOT ENOUGH EGO?

TODAY IN THE NEWS...
AH HECK, I CAN SEE FROM
LOOKING AT YOU THAT YOU
CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS.
ALL THE BAD STUFF HAPPENING
HAS JUST WORN YOU OUT, SO LET
ME MODIFY TONIGHT'S NEWS...
TODAY EVERYONE GOT A
BALLOON AND WAS HAPPY.
I
NEEDED
THAT.
YOU'RE
WELCOME.

HOW COME WHEN YOU'RE OLD YOU CAN ONLY REMEMBER CERTAIN THINGS IF YOU STOP TRYING TO REMEMBER AND THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE?
WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?
BECAUSE YOU'RE VERY, VERY OLD.
ACTUALLY, I'M NOT.
AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT'S LIKE. AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE.
WHAT'S THAT?
FORGOT WHERE I WAS GOING WITH THAT.
OLD FOLKS' HOME: I'D LIKE TO MAKE A RESERVATION.

WISE-ASS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED HOW MANY PEOPLE JUST SIT AROUND DOING NOTHING?
I HAVE.
SO IF THEIR TIME'S NOT THAT PRECIOUS, WHY ARE THEY ALL TAILGATING ME ON THE FREEWAY?
SOME QUESTIONS I CAN'T ANSWER.
WHAT ARE THEY IN A HURRY TO DO?

HEY, PIG. WHATCHA WRITING?
A PAPER FOR MY BIOLOGY CLASS. I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THE LIFE EXPECTANCY OF A WOMAN.
THAT WE WILL BE PAID LESS FOR EQUAL WORK AND OFTEN BE SPOKEN DOWN TO BY MEN.
I JUST MEANT AN AGE.
AT EVERY AGE.

EVERYTHING'S GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET IN THIS WORLD
INSTEAD OF ALWAYS COMPLAINING, WHY DON'T YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT? LIKE PIG.
WHAT'S HE DOING
LET'S HUG THIS OUT, PEOPLE
DOES THAT REALLY COUNT?
OKAY, MAYBE NOT THAT.

I CAN'T DECIDE WHICH AIRLINE WE SHOULD FLY TO WASHINGTON, D.C.
OH, LOOK, WE HAVE AT LEAST TEN OPTIONS!
HOW MANY FLAVORS DO I HAVE TO CHOOSE FROM?
THIRTY-ONE!
PICK WHICHEVER ONE YOU LIKE!
YEAH, I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT COLOR TO PAINT MY LIVING ROOM.
SURE, WE HAVE HUNDREDS TO CHOOSE FROM!
HI, I'M TRYING TO SEE IF YOUR CABLE SYSTEM IS RIGHT FOR ME. HOW MANY CHANNELS DO YOU HAVE?
GOOD NEWS! WE HAVE OVER A THOUSAND!
I'M TRYING TO DECIDE WHO I SHOULD VOTE FOR TO BE THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD.
YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES.
TWO.
I CALL IT "WHERE HAS ALL THE DEMOCRACY GONE?"
LONG TIME PASSING.
IT MAKES VOTING SO EASY!

WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
GETTING A DISABLED PARKING PLACARD.
WHAT'S YOUR DISABILITY?
I'M DUMB AS ROCKS.
I GUESS THAT COUNTS.

Dear Registrar of Voters...
I would like to register to vote.
But as you may know, I am at least 100 times smarter than the average idiot.
As such, please make my vote count 100 times theirs.
THIS FEELS FAIR.

WHAT IS PRICE FIXING?
WHEN COMPETITORS IN A GIVEN INDUSTRY GET TOGETHER AND AGREE TO SET PRICES AT FIXED LEVELS. BUT IT'S ILLEGAL AND THE GOVERNMENT WILL PROSECUTE IT.
ALL THE GAS STATIONS WITHIN TEN MILES OF ME SELL GAS AT ALMOST THE EXACT SAME PRICE.
SOME MYSTERIES CAN NEVER BE SOLVED.
IS THE SOLUTION
'WE JUST ALWAYS GET SCREWED'?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, NEIGHBOR BOB?
CHECKING MY LIST OF ALL THE BOOKS I'VE READ THIS YEAR...SO FAR I HAVE 175.
HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
I LISTEN TO BOOKS ON TAPE DURING MY COMMUTE.
THAT DOESN'T COUNT.
BOOK LOVERS ARE A STRANGE BREED.
ONLY A BOOK IS A BOOK.