Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHERE WERE YOU THIS WEEK?
FLEW TO GEORGIA TO SEE WHERE THE APPALACHIAN TRAIL STARTS.
DIDN'T YOU FLY TO MAINE LAST YEAR TO SEE WHERE IT ENDS?
I DID.
IS THAT WHY YOUR ONLINE DATING PROFILE SAYS THAT YOU'VE DONE THE APPALACHIAN TRAIL FROM BEGINNING TO END?
IT IS!
FITNESS IS THE KEY TO GETTING GIRLS.

HEY, LARRY THE CROC. I HEAR YOU AND YOUR BUDDIES ARE MOVING TO FLORIDA.
Yeah, we want be somewhere gud. Somewhere wid just our kind.
FLORIDA HAS 125,000 ALLIGATORS, BUT LESS THAN 1000 CROCODILES.
Immigrashun out of control.

HIYA. WELCOME TO THE ETERNAL ABYSS.
OH, MY GOODNESS. WHY'D I GO TO HELL?
ALWAYS STANDING UP BEFORE YOUR BOARDING GROUP IS CALLED.
WE SEE EVERYTHING.

HEY, ABOUT YESTERDAY...I'M SORRY YOU WERE OFFENDED.
SO YOU'RE SORRY FOR WHAT YOU DID?
I'M SORRY YOU'RE AN OVERSENSITIVE NINNY.
I NEED ANOTHER APOLOGY.
I'M SORRY YOU WERE OFFENDED.

HI... WELCOME TO THE UNDERWORLD.
ME? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?
YOU'RE THE GUY WHO MADE THE SOFTWARE UPDATES FOR MY PHONE, WHICH I DIDN'T ASK FOR, DIDN'T WANT, AND ALWAYS MADE MY @!#*$#! PHONE HARDER TO USE.
I LOVE MY JOB.

I LOVE HOW THE 1700s ARE KNOWN AS THE AGE OF ENLIGHTENMENT... I WONDER WHAT OUR TIME WILL BE KNOWN AS.
I DON'T WONDER.
I KNOW.
WHAT'S THAT?
THE AGE OF THE DUMBA#%.
MY TIME HAS FINALLY COME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
JUST CAME UP HERE TO BE ALONE AND PONDER SOME OF THE DEEPER QUESTIONS IN LIFE.
OH...I LIKE TO THINK ABOUT DEEP QUESTIONS.
WHICH ONES?
OH, LIKE WHAT HAPPENS TO US WHEN WE DIE.
I FEEL LIKE I KNOW.
YOU DO?
YEAH. YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS ABOUT THESE THINGS.
ALRIGHT, SO WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS?
ACK*
NOW BURY ME AND SAY NICE THINGS.
I'VE BEEN ASKED TO THINK DEEP THOUGHTS ALONE.

BLUE.
BLUE.
BLUE.
BLUE.
BLUE.
RED.
RED.
RED.
BLUE! BLUE! BLUE!
RED! RED! RED!
RED! RED!
WHAT THE @#$**# ARE YOU DOING?
USING COLORFUL LANGUAGE.
GET ME OUT OF THIS COMIC STRIP!
WATCH THIS...
ORANGE!

HEY, RAT…
WHY DO YOU DRINK SO MUCH?
HELPS ME FORGET MY PROBLEMS.
WHY DON’T YOU TRY GOING TO THERAPY TO ADDRESS WHAT UNDERLIES THOSE PROBLEMS? THERAPY IS LESS EXPENSIVE THAN IT USED TO BE.
THIS COST FIVE DOLLARS.
NEVER MIND.
DRINKING: THE COST-EFFICIENT SOLUTION.

HI. WELCOME TO THE NETHER-WORLD.
ME? WHAT DID I DO?
YOU RECLINED YOUR AIRPLANE SEAT WHEN THERE WERE PEOPLE SITTING BEHIND YOU, ENHANCING YOUR COMFORT AT THE EXPENSE OF THE OTHER PERSON.
I'M AFRAID YOU'LL BE GOING TO THE HOTTEST PLACE IN HELL.
GOOD THING THERE'LL BE NO SEATS THERE FOR HIM TO RECLINE.

THE LIFE OF A WRITER
by Rat
WRITE SOMETHING GREAT TODAY.
WRITE SOMETHING GREAT TODAY.
WRITE SOMETHING GREAT TODAY.
THAT'LL DO.
YOU SETTLE, THEN YOU DRINK.
SOMETIMES WE GO STRAIGHT TO THE DRINKING.

HI. WELCOME TO HELL.
HELL? WHAT FOR?
WASTING THE LITTLE TIME YOU WERE GIVEN IN LIFE ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
BUT MY TWEETS WERE SO CLEVER AND I HAD SO MANY FOLLOWERS.
CONGRATS. HERE'S A BALLOON.
I SHOULD TWEET ABOUT THIS.

I'VE THOUGHT A LOT ABOUT ALL THE PROBLEMS IN THE WORLD AND I THINK I'VE FOUND A SOLUTION.
OH, YEAH? WHAT'S THAT?
MORE PEOPLE NEED A PUNCH IN THE NOSE.
DOES THAT ADD TO THE PROBLEM OR THE SOLUTION?
IT JUST MAKES ME FEEL GOOD.

WHERE YOU FROM?
CALIFORNIA.
REALLY? YOU DON’T SEEM LIKE ONE OF THEM.
WHY? WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?
A WHACK JOB. I HEAR A LOT OF BAD THINGS ON THE NEWS ABOUT YOU PEOPLE.
THAT’S FUNNY. I HEAR A LOT OF BAD THINGS ABOUT YOU PEOPLE.
BUT YOU’RE KIND OF NORMAL.
YOU’RE KIND OF NORMAL, TOO.
WELL, I’LL BE.
LET’S HUG IT OUT.
JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE DON’T USE THAT WORD HERE.
SORRY…WE’RE HEATHENS WHERE I LIVE.

DO YOU THINK YOU COULD GO ON STAGE AND INTRODUCE A GIFT I'M GIVING IN THIS CURRENT MOMENT?
DO WHAT NOW?
PRESENT A PRESENT PRESENT.
I RESENT YOUR PRESENT PRESENCE.
PLEASE DON'T ONE-UP ME.

HI, WELCOME TO THE UNDERWORLD.
HUH? WHY'D I GET SENT TO HELL?
YOU WENT OVER THE WHITE LINE WHENEVER YOU PARKED, MAKING THE SPOT NEXT TO YOU UNUSABLE.
THAT'S ENOUGH TO SEND A PERSON TO HELL?
THE LOWEST RUNG.
WHAT A JOY THIS JOB IS.

HEY, PIG, DO YOU WANT TO GO SKYDIVING WITH ME?
NO, THANKS. I PREFER TO STAY ON SOLID GROUND.
YOU DO REALIZE THE GROUND YOU’RE STANDING ON IS A BIG ROCK FLOATING IN SPACE.
SOME THINGS YOU’D RATHER NOT KNOW.

HI, WELCOME TO HELL. I'M THE GUY WHO DECIDED YOU BELONG HERE.
ME? FOR WHAT?
MARKING YOUR PLACE IN A BOOK BY FOLDING THE PAGE CORNERS.
SOMETIMES HELL CAN HINGE ON THE LITTLE THINGS.

EVER NOTICE HOW WHEN YOU'RE GETTING OFF A PLANE, THERE'S ALWAYS ONE GUY WHO BLOCKS THE AISLE WHILE TAKING FIVE MINUTES TO GET HIS BAGS?
OH, YEAH, THAT'S THE WORST.
I THINK I FOUND A SOLUTION.
OH, YOU MEAN LIKE DEBOARDING FROM THE BACK DOOR OF THE PLANE AS WELL?
NO. THE AISLE CLEARER.
THAT MAY NOT MEET F.A.A. REGULATIONS.
THIS IS ALL THE REGULATION WE NEED.

EVER NOTICE HOW IF YOUR FAMILY LIFE OR HEALTH IS GOOD, SUDDENLY THERE'S A PROBLEM WITH YOUR CAREER?
OR IF YOUR CAREER OR FINANCES ARE GOING WELL, SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS IN YOUR SOCIAL LIFE?
IT'S AS THOUGH THE GODS LOOK DOWN AT YOU AND SAY, WHAT THE @#$#? THAT GUY'S TOO HAPPY.
I HATE WHEN THEY FIGURE THAT OUT.

SO THERE'S A SPOT WE SAW ON YOUR TUMMY THAT WE WANT TO TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AT...
OUR STUPID PROPERTY INSURANCE BILL DOUBLED...
I'M SO SORRY, PIG... I WAS BACKING OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY AND ACCIDENTALLY HIT YOUR CAR...
JINGLE JANGLE JINGLE
HANG ON--IT'S THE NEIGHBOR'S DOG, LEVI... SOMETIMES HE COMES OVER TO SAY HI AND GET A SNACK...
HERE YOU GO, LITTLE LEVI...
PAT PAT PAT
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP
...WHAT A GREAT DAY I'M HAVING.

I RENTED AN AIRBNB IN VEGAS THIS WEEKEND TO JUST RELAX.
THAT SOUNDS AMAZING. NEED ANY COMPANY?
WHIZZZZZZZ
BOLD ASK FROM A WOMAN WHO FAILED TO INVITE YOU TO HER MAUI GIRLS TRIP IN 2017.
PETTYMAN CAUSES TROUBLE WHEREVER HE GOES.
WHAT-- WAS I NOT ONE OF THE COOL GIRLS?

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, SO MANY THINGS IN LIFE SEEM BAD RIGHT NOW.
IN MOMENTS LIKE THIS, IT'S IMPORTANT TO REMIND YOURSELF THAT THINGS WILL GET BETTER.
SO THINGS WILL GET BETTER?
NO. BUT IT'S NICE TO HEAR IT.
HE'S GETTING LESS AND LESS HELPFUL.

HIYA... WELCOME TO THE UNDERWORLD.
WHO ARE YOU?
SATAN'S HELPER. I HELP DECIDE WHO GETS IN HERE.
OH, YEAH? WELL, WHAT DID I DO TO BELONG HERE?
BOB... WE SEE EVERYTHING.
THAT WORKS ON EVERYONE.

HI. WELCOME TO THE FIERY ABYSS.
HOLY @#$%! I WENT TO HELL? WHY???
LEAVING DIRTY DISHES IN THE SINK ONE TOO MANY TIMES, BOB.
I REALLY ENJOY MY JOB.