Pearls Before Swine | Search

PHASES OF ME BUYING AN APPLIANCE...
OPEN PACKAGE.
REMOVE ITEM.
IGNORE INSTRUCTIONS.
TOSS IN DRAWER.
TAKE STAB AT HOW IT WORKS.
UH...
COOK.

LEARN YEARS LATER THAT IT HAS FUNCTIONS I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT.
IT'S AN AIR FRYER, TOO?

DIDN'T YOU READ THE INSTRUCTIONS?
VOW TO READ INSTRUCTIONS WITH NEXT PURCHASE.
IGNORE INSTRUCTIONS.
TOSS IN DRAWER.
AT LEAST YOU'RE CONSISTENT.
IT HAS A SPECIAL SETTING FOR BAGELS??

HEY, PIG... HOW'S IT GOING?
NOT GOOD AT ALL. EVERY NIGHT, I'M HAVING REAL PHANTOM LIMB ISSUES.
PIG, A PHANTOM LIMB IS THE SENSATION THAT AN AMPUTATED LIMB IS STILL ATTACHED. SO WHATEVER YOU'RE EXPERIENCING, IT'S NOT THAT.
NO ONE BELIEEEEEEVES YOU...

I HAVE TO GO.
I HAVEN’T GOT IN
MY 10,000
STEPS TODAY.
WHY DO YOU
HAVE TO DO
10,000
STEPS?
I HAVE
NO CHOICE.
IT’S FOR
MY HEALTH.
YEAH, BUT WHY 10,000?
WHY NOT,
SAY, 9,000?
OR 9500?
BECAUSE,
I HAVE TO
GET IN MY
10,000
STEPS!!
ARE YOU
A SLAVE TO
YOUR HEALTH OR
YOUR PHONE?

WELL, I'VE RUN THE NUMBERS AND IF WE DO A FEW THINGS, I THINK WE CAN SURVIVE FINANCIALLY.
WHAT'S THIS PART HERE SAY?
'STOP EATING FOOD.'
WE SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THIS YEARS AGO.

REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO USE THE "M" WORD TO DESCRIBE PEOPLE WHO ARE VERY SHORT?
YES.
HOW IS "LITTLE PEOPLE" ANY BETTER?
BROUGHT TO YOU BY "THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THESE THINGS ARE DECIDED."
HEY, WHY DO I HAVE SO MUCH EMAIL TODAY?

Dear Mom and Dad,
I'm writing to forgive you for being rather judgmental of me when I was growing up, and for being less-than-perfect parents.
SEND
Thank you, Pig. And we forgive you for being such a failure.
THAT COULD HAVE GONE BETTER.

LOVE ME!!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
TRYING TO BE LOVED.
YOU CAN'T JUST YELL AT PEOPLE TO LOVE YOU. FIRST THEY HAVE TO GET TO KNOW YOU AND LIKE YOU.
LIKE ME!!

LOVE
FAMILY
MUSIC
CAREER
FRIENDS
MONEY
LEISURE
SELF
I LOVE LOVE
2-LOYALTY
3-SERVICE
4-EMPATHY
5-AUTHENTICITY
6-CREATIVE
7-KNOWLEDGE
8-GRATITUDE
EATING CANDY
SLEEPING
TELEVISION
TRAVEL
NOTHINGNESS
EATING CANDY
SLEEP IN THE NUDE
WHAT'S ALL THIS?
IT'S AN EXERCISE FROM MY THERAPIST WHERE YOU WRITE IMPORTANT SELF-CATEGORIES AND THEN LIST WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO YOU ON THIS BOARD.
LOVE FAMILY MUSIC CAREER FRIENDS MONEY LEISURE SELF
HERE, TRY IT FOR YOURSELF
EATING CANDY SLEEPING TELEVISION TRAVEL NOTHINGNESS EATING CANDY SLEEP IN THE NUDE
NOT HOW THIS IS SUPPOSED TO GO
EASIEST TEST EVER.

WHERE YOU RUNNING TO?
HOME! PIG SAYS HE JUST GOT THERE AND WE HAVE A BUNCH OF LEAKS!
PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU MEAN THE VEGETABLE.
I DO!
I HATE THIS #%&*@!# COMIC STRIP.

HI. HOW ARE YOU ALL DOING?
GOT A BAD BOOK REVIEW.
FINISHING UP MY SECOND NOVEL.
FOUND OUT MY LAST BOOK SOLD HARDLY ANYTHING.
I HATE MYSELF AND HAVE STARTED DRINKING MORE.
WRITERS BLOCK.
YOU HAVE A BLOCK FOR A HEAD.

WE'RE SO FORTUNATE IN LIFE. I REALLY TRY TO COUNT MY BLESSINGS.
I DO SOMETHING SIMILAR.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
I COUNT MY MISFORTUNES.
NOT THE SAME.
AND THE NAMES AND ADDRESSES OF THE PEOPLE WHO CAUSED THEM.

PIG, I JUST SAW MY BROWSER HISTORY AND SAW YOU WENT TO ONE OF THOSE ‘X’ SITES.
YEAH, MOM. I WENT TO X.
SO YOU ADMIT IT? AREN'T YOU ASHAMED?
A LITTLE. BUT BEFORE IT WAS X, IT JUST SHOWED A CUTE LITTLE BIRD.
SO THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL WOMEN NOW? 'BIRDS'? WHAT NEXT - ‘BROADS’? ‘CHICKS’? GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.
ELON MUSK HAS RUINED MY LIFE.

I THINK I HAVE A FEVER.
WELL, FEED A FEVER, STARVE A COLD.
FEED A COLD, STARVE A FEVER.
STARVE A COLD.
COLD.
COLD.
STARVE A FEVER.
FEVER.
FEVER.
YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO STARVE EITHER ONE OF THEM!!
WHAT DO DOCTORS KNOW?

VENUS IS THIS WAY
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, MAY I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
YES, MY SON. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?
NOTHING. BUT SINCE YOU'RE SO MUCH CLOSER TO GOD WAY UP HERE, COULD YOU PLEASE TELL HIM THANKS FOR SENDING US PAUL McCARTNEY?
SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA SHOW GRATITUDE.

HEY, CARTOON BOY, WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FOR?
TO GRAB A PIECE OF PAPER... FAST.
WHAT FOR?
TO WRITE DOWN AN IDEA FOR A STRIP. AT MY AGE, IF I DON'T WRITE DOWN IDEAS THE MOMENT I GET THEM, THEY'RE GONE FOR GOOD.
I KNEW THAT'S WHY HE WAS RUNNING.
IT'S SAD WHEN HE CRIES.

I'M DATING A REALLY NICE WOMAN.
SHE'S VERY PRETTY.
THAT'S INTERESTING... I WONDER HOW SHE DESCRIBES YOU.
I'M DATING A REAL PIG.
THAT'S TOO BAD.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
THIS STORY ABOUT THE DONNER PARTY, THOSE SETTLERS WHO GOT STRANDED AND ATE EACH OTHER.
WELL, YOU CAN'T SAY THEY DIDN'T HAVE FAIR WARNING.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THEY WERE ONE LETTER AWAY FROM DINNER PARTY.
YOUR PERSPECTIVE IS NOT HELPFUL.
TOO HARD TO SWALLOW?

OH, GREAT POWER OF THE UNIVERSE, LIFE IS TOO SHORT. I NEED MORE TIME TO TRY NEW THINGS.
WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE TIME I GAVE YOU?
WORRIED ABOUT TRYING NEW THINGS.
HE WASN'T SYMPATHETIC.

DO YOU STILL HAVE THAT FRIEND JIM WHO WORKS FOR THE STUDIOS? I WROTE A SCRIPT.
YEAH YOU SHOULD TRY TO REACH HIM.
REACH HIM HOW?
JIM? THROUGH HIS ASSISTANT.
THREW HER WHERE?
WHAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?
TELL ME IT WASN'T OUT A WINDOW.

I'VE BEEN DOING CROSSFIT TRAINING.
OH, SORRY, PIG... DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
JESUS WALKING WHILE CARRYING THAT BIG, HEAVY THING?
THIS STRIP ISN'T HAPPENING.
WHAT ARE YOU - ANTI-JESUS?

Dear God,
Are you seeing what's going on down here?
Just wondering if you stepped away for a moment.
DOUBTFUL.
I LIKE TO GIVE HIM AN OUT.

OH, GREAT MUSE. ALL I WANT TO DO IS EAT PIZZA ON MY COUCH. BUT I FEEL GUILTY.
WHY GUILTY?
I DUNNO… LIKE I SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING SIGNIFICANT. SOMETHING THAT WILL BE REMEMBERED.
THEN LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT GIACOMO DA LENTINI. A 13TH CENTURY ITALIAN POET.
HE WAS SO BELOVED FOR HIS POETRY THAT HE SERVED IN THE COURT OF THE HOLY ROMAN EMPEROR. AND HE’S CREDITED WITH INVENTING THE SONNET.
HAVE YOU HEARD OF HIM?
NO.
EXACTLY.
LIFE IS GOOD.

HEY, YOU'RE NEIGHBOR BOB'S SON, AREN'T YOU A SENIOR IN OUR HIGH SCHOOL NOW?
YEAH, BUT I HATE IT. THERE'S NUTHIN' TO DO IN THIS DUMB TOWN.
OHH. I'M SURE THAT'S NOT TRUE. I'LL FIND SOMETHING FUN FOR YOU. HERE. I FOUND THE PERFECT PLACE...
DID YOU KNOW A SENIOR CENTER IS NOT FOR SENIORS?

The only failure
in life
is not trying.
And
the only trying
I do
leads to failure.
LIFE'S GOT ME COMING
AND GOING.

TELL ME, GREAT WISE ASS, AM I INSANE OR HAS THE WORLD GONE INSANE?
THE WORLD. BUT YOU HAVE YOUR MOMENTS.
I WAS HOPING TO BE BLAME-FREE.