Pearls Before Swine | Search

WELL, SINCE I'VE NOW BEEN DOING 'PEARLS BEFORE SWINE' FOR TWENTY-FIVE YEARS, I THINK IT'S FINALLY TIME TO RETIRE.
APRIL FOOLS!
LIFE IS CRUEL.

HAPPY, YOU LITTLE G#@!?
THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT BY A FLIGHT OF BEERS.
OH, GREAT. NOW THEY'VE CRASHED.

SO I’M READING THIS BOOK ON BUGS... DID YOU KNOW THAT “BEETLE” IS SPELLED B-E-E-T-L-E’?
YEAH.
SO WHY DID THE ROCK GROUP THE BEATLES’ MISSPELL IT?
IT’S A REFERENCE TO THE BEAT OF THE MUSIC.
KABOOM
THE ‘HOW DID I GO A LIFE-TIME WITHOUT KNOWING THAT’ EFFECT.
IT HAPPENS.

MY REMINDER NOTES FROM YEARS AGO...
PICK UP DRY CLEANING
Buy anniversary card.
9:00 am Meeting w/ HR
Dentist Appointment Tomorrow Morn
Get birthday gift for Bob
Grocery list:
1 Eggs
2 Milk
3 Bananas
MY REMINDER NOTES NOW...
AVOID THE NEWS.
Turn off the phone.
TAKE A DEEP BREATH.
ONE DAY AT A TIME.
This too shall pass.
DON'T PUNCH ANYONE
SORRY THAT LAST ONE'S MINE.
WHATEVER HELPS.

HEY BOB, HOW GOES IT?
BOB’S DOING WONDERFUL, DEAR PIG. AND A BLESSED GOOD DAY TO YOU.
BOB SURE HAS A GOOD HEAD ON HIS SHOULDERS.

I HEARD IT SAID OF SOME ARTIST THAT HER WORK AGES LIKE FINE WINE.
YEAH, THAT MEANS IT GETS BETTER AND BETTER OVER TIME.
DO YOU THINK ANYONE WILL EVER SAY THAT ABOUT YOUR WORK?
THAT'S FOR OTHER PEOPLE TO SAY.
I THINK YOUR WORK WILL AGE LIKE MILK PAST ITS EXPIRATION DATE.
PEOPLE OTHER THAN YOU.
THE SMELL WILL DEFINITELY LINGER.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU MEET SOMEONE FOR THE FIRST TIME?
I TRY TO DETERMINE IF THEY'RE A GOOD PERSON OR A BAD PERSON.
AND HOW IN THE WORLD DO YOU DO THAT?
A ONE-QUESTION EXAM.
DO YOU RECLINE YOUR AIRPLANE SEAT WHEN THERE'S SOMEONE SEATED BEHIND YOU?
I'M DISTURBED BY HOW MUCH I AGREE WITH THAT.
IT'S THE ONLY INDICATOR YOU NEED.

HEY, CEO CHARLIE...WHAT'S BEEN HAPPENING AT YOUR CORPORATION?
WELL, I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF BAD THINGS FOR PROFIT THAT I ATONE FOR WHEN I DIE BY GIVING MY MONEY TO CHARITY AND GETTING MY NAME PUT ON BUILDINGS.
IS IT POSSIBLE HUMANITY WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF IF YOU JUST HADN'T DONE THE BAD THINGS IN THE FIRST PLACE?
OH, YES. BUT THEN I WOULDN'T GET MY NAME ON BUILDINGS.
I HAVE A LOT TO LEARN.

I'M BROKE... IF I DON'T FIND A JOB SOON, PIG AND I ARE GONNA BE HOMELESS.
WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD START NETWORKING.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S WHERE YOU GO OUT AND MEET PEOPLE ON PURPOSE.
PREPARE FOR A LIFE ON THE STREETS.

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN, AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
PRAYER BEFORE YOU START YOUR DAY?
BEFORE I WATCH THE NEWS.
AND HERE I JUST TURN IT OFF COMPLETELY.
TEACH ME THAT PRAYER!

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, IS IT IMPORTANT TO SOMETIMES TRY SOMETHING EVEN THOUGH WE MAY FAIL?
OH, YES. FOR WE CAN LEARN FROM THOSE FAILURES.
AND WHY IS IT IMPORTANT TO LEARN?
BECAUSE FROM LEARNING COMES IMPROVEMENT.
AND WHY IS IT IMPORTANT TO IMPROVE?
BECAUSE FROM IMPROVEMENT COMES SUCCESS.
AND WHY IS IT IMPORTANT TO SUCCEED?
BECAUSE FROM SUCCESS COMES HAPPINESS.
I'M HAPPY JUST TRYING NOTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE!
I'VE GAMED THE SYSTEM.

HEY, RAT, I HEAR YOU GOT A NEW BOSS AT THE CAFE. HOW IS HE?
OH, THAT GUY? HE'S DUMB AS ROCKS.
IT'S A CRUEL WORLD.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS... IS LIFE JUST ONE BIG LEARNING EXPERIENCE?
YES, MY SON. YOU GAIN WISDOM WITH EACH PASSING YEAR OF YOUR LIFE.
AND WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU FINALLY HAVE ALL THAT WISDOM?
YOU DIE.
THERE'S A FLAW IN THE SYSTEM.

HAVE YOU EVER GONE ON A DIET?
NEVER.
AND WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE THE WORLD WOULD BE WORSE OFF WITH LESS OF ME.
WHAT A HUMBLE RESPONSE.
NOW SOME GUYS WE DEFINITELY NEED LESS OF.

THIS HAS BEEN A NICE FIRST DATE PIG. IF YOU DON'T MIND, I HAVE SOME FUN, GET-TO-KNOW-YOU QUESTIONS I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU.
SURE.
IF YOU COULD BE ANY VEGETABLE, WHICH ONE WOULD YOU BE?
I'D BE AN ONION.
OH, GOOD ANSWER. BECAUSE YOU HAVE SO MANY LAYERS TO YOUR PERSONALITY?
BECAUSE JUST BEING AROUND ME MAKES PEOPLE CRY.
THERE WILL BE NO SECOND DATE.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THEY'RE NOW LETTING TRANSGENDER WOMEN PLAY WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL?
DID YOU KNOW THAT WHILE YOU WERE FOCUSED ON THAT, ONE AMERICAN HAS AMASSED AS MUCH WEALTH AS THAT OF 170,000,000 AMERICANS COMBINED?
DON'T TELL ME THAT PERSON'S TRYING TO PLAY VOLLEYBALL.
EVER LOSE ALL HOPE FOR YOUR FELLOW MAN?

TODAY'S LEARNING EXPERIENCE by RAT
You find yourself in a bad mood.
You know you should stay away from your phone, because otherwise you'll send a flurry of texts and emails you'll later regret.
You do it anyway.
WHAT EXACTLY WAS OUR LEARNING EXPERIENCE?
THAT WE LEARN NOTHING FROM OUR EXPERIENCE.

I DON'T.
ME NEITHER.
DEFINITELY NOT.
DITTO.
NO WAY.
AMEN.
LET'S HUG IT OUT.
LET'S.
I DON'T WANT A CIVIL WAR, DO YOU?
ONLY 339,000,000 MORE AMERICANS TO GO.
I MAY BE LATE FOR DINNER.

I HEAR YOU'RE DATING SOME NEW GIRL, BUT SHE'S BRINGING YOU DOWN. IF THAT'S THE CASE, WHY STAY WITH HER?
HERE'S YOUR DOWN. HOPE IT'S ENOUGH TO FILL YOUR PILLOW.
PLEASE STAY OUT OF MY PERSONAL BUSINESS.
YOU BRING US ALL DOWN.

HEY, RAT, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN? :)
OKAY... BEEN FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT IN THE COMMUNITY.
HOW SO?
WELL, LOCAL BREWERIES KEEP MAKING BEER, AND IF I DON'T DRINK IT, THE WAREHOUSES WILL BE OVERWHELMED.
GLAD YOU'RE STAYING POLITICALLY INVOLVED.
IF NOT ME, WHO?

DO YOU HAVE FAITH IN YOUR LIFE?
OF COURSE.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE FAITH IN?
ANYTHING THAT'S BEEN PROVEN TO ME.
THAT'S NOT FAITH.
PROVE IT.

BAD NEWS... INTEREST RATES ARE DECLINING.
WHY IS THAT BAD? IT JUST MEANS I CAN GET A CHEAPER MORTGAGE. OR DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE WORRIED IT COULD TRIGGER INFLATION?
I MEAN THE RATE OF PEOPLE INTERESTED IN YOUR STRIP IS DECLINING.
WONDER IF REMOVING YOU FROM THE STRIP WOULD HELP.
WHOA. NOW IT'S PLUMMETING.

WISEASS HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS... WHAT IS THE MOST RELENTLESS FORCE IN THE UNIVERSE?
LAUNDRY. IT NEVER STOPS.
HE'S NOT WRONG.

I HEAR PIG GOT A HAMSTER AND NAMED IT AFTER HIS FAVORITE COUNTRY SINGER FAITH HILL.
YEAH. BUT IT ESCAPED ITS CAGE AND NOW HE CAN'T FIND IT.
OH NO. WHAT'S HE GONNA DO?
HE'S GOING AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD TRYING TO FIND IT.
HOW'S THAT GOING?
I'VE LOST FAITH.
SOUNDS LIKE A PERSONAL PROBLEM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE BAD NEWS, SO I HAVE A NEW RULE IN MY LIFE.
WHAT'S THE RULE?
IF IT BRINGS ME DOWN, I'M GETTING RID OF IT.
SO NO MORE T.V.
NO MORE COMPUTERS.
AND NO MORE @#$%ING PHONES.
THAT'S A VERY DRAMATIC SOLUTION TO WHAT'S REALLY A MATTER OF SELF-DISCIPLINE.
RULES ARE RULES.