Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, NEIGHBOR NANCY... I HEAR YOU GOT A NEW JOB WITH BENEFITS.
YEP. HEALTHCARE, VISION, DENTAL, 401K, THREE WEEKS OF VACATION.
GOSH. NONE OF MY FRIENDS' JOBS STILL GIVE THEM THOSE THINGS.
REALLY?
YEP. YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE. OH... HERE COMES MY GIRLFRIEND PIGITA.
HI, SWEETIE, WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?
THIS IS NANCY, MY FRIEND WITH BENEFITS.
MY RELATIONSHIP HAS COME TO AN ABRUPT END.

GOSH, YOU SMELL GOOD.
SORRY. IS THAT CREEPY?
WHENEVER YOU FEEL COMPELLED TO ASK, "IS THAT CREEPY?", THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS YES.
I HAVE A LOT TO LEARN.

THANKS FOR GOING ON A COFFEE DATE WITH ME.
SURE... TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF.
WELL, I'M PRETTY HONEST ABOUT MY FEELINGS. BUT I'M NOT TOO SMART.
SO YOU'RE AN OPEN BOOK, BUT THERE'S NOTHING ON THE PAGES.
I'VE BEEN SUMMED UP NICELY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
PLAYING HIDE AND SIKH.
YOU SHOULD BE THE ONE HIDING.

I JUST WATCHED THIS FILM ON WWII. WE WERE ABLE TO WIN BECAUSE ALL OUR FACTORIES AND WORKERS AND FARMERS HAD THE SKILLS AND STRENGTH TO CONVERT EVERYTHING TO WAR PRODUCTION.
BUT WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF WE HAD A WAR LIKE THAT NOW?
I COULD HOLD ZOOM MEETINGS.
THAT SHOULD HELP.
THOUGH SOMETIMES MY MIC'S MUTED AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.

BUY THE NEW BESTSELLER FROM STEPHEN KING… WHEREVER YOU GET YOUR BOOKS.
WHERE ELSE WOULD I BUY IT???
DUMB EXPRESSIONS WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME.

FITNESS GOAL
DO THIRTY PUSH-UPS A DAY.
THAT'S REALLY GOOD YOU'RE DOING THAT, PIG. BUT IT'S IMPORTANT TO SET REALISTIC GOALS.
EAT THIRTY ICE CREAM PUSH-UPS A DAY.
THIS I CAN DO.

I'LL GRANT YOU ANYTHING YOU WISH... ANYTHING AT ALL.
HAVE ICE CREAM MAKE US HEALTHIER.
I'VE SAVED THE WORLD.

HI, SIR... DO YOU HAVE ANY CARRY-ON?
JUST THIS DEAD SQUIRREL I FOUND OUTSIDE THE AIRPORT.
THAT'S CARRION. NOT CARRY-ON.
PLEASE FLY FAR AWAY.

WELL, GOTTA GET GOING... I HAVE A PLANE TO CATCH.
WHERE YOU HEADED TO?
OH, NOWHERE IN PARTICULAR.
THEN WHY ARE YOU GETTING ON A PLANE?
TO BE AROUND PEOPLE WHO AREN'T ON THEIR PHONES.
THERE'S A LOGIC TO THAT.
A LOGIC TO WHAT?

PHILOSOPHY 101
FINAL EXAM
Are people basically
good or bad?
Please explain.
People are good.
People are bad.
People are god.
I BET DITCH-DIGGING IS FUNNER THAN TEACHING.
THERE'S PROBABLY LESS CRYING.

GUYS, I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE LIKE TO PUT OFF END-OF-LIFE DECISIONS BECAUSE IT'S AN UNPLEASANT TOPIC, BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW I'VE DECIDED HOW I WANT TO HANDLE THAT PHASE OF MY LIFE.
GOOD FOR YOU, RAT. WHAT HAVE YOU DECIDED?
I WILL BE AVOIDING DEATH ALTOGETHER.
I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT.

IS THAT THE GUY YOUR GRANDMA'S DATING?
YEAH, THAT'S HER BOYFRIEND.
GOSH, THAT SOUNDS ODD TO SAY...
IT'S HER PARTNER.
WAIT... THAT SOUNDS LIKE THEY WORK IN A LAW FIRM...
IT'S HER FRIEND WITH BENEFITS.
OH, GAWD! I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE I SAID THAT!!
IT'S A GUY NAMED BOB.

I'M SO DOWN TODAY.
JUST REMEMBER, EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY IN THE END.
HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?
BECAUSE THE END IS DEATH, AND YOU'LL NO LONGER HAVE CONSCIOUSNESS.
SO THAT'S WHAT THAT MEANS.
NO.

Son…As you know, your mother and I were recently in town to meet with other professors at a math conference.
Mother says you declined to join us. Just wondering why.
Dad…While I love you, you can be very negative. So can mom. When the two of you are together, that negativity is multiplied. And it’s more than I can take.
Send.
<CLICK>
DING!
A negative times a negative is a positive.
NEVER BE THE CHILD OF A MATHEMATICIAN.

oh, great wise ass, how can one predict the future as accurately as you?
first, determine all the possible courses people may take, from the wisest to the most stupid.
then pick the stupid. always pick the stupid.
explains a lot.

SIGNIFICANCE OF VARIOUS BIRTHDAYS
AGE 1: FIRST BIRTHDAY!
AGE 16: SWEET SIXTEEN!
AGE 18: ADULTHOOD!
AGE 21: LEGAL DRINKING!
AGE 22: Nobody cares.
AGE 23: Nobody cares.
AGE 24: Nobody cares.
AGE 25: Nobody cares.
AGE 26: Nobody cares.
AGE 27: Nobody cares.
AGE 28: Nobody cares.
AGE 29: Nobody cares.
AGE 30: Nobody cares.
AGE 31: Nobody cares.
AGE 32: Nobody cares.
AGE 33: Nobody cares.
AGE 34: Nobody cares.
AGE 35: Nobody cares.
AGE 36: Nobody cares.
AGE 37: Nobody cares.
AGE 38: Nobody cares.
AGE 39: Nobody cares.
AGE 40: Nobody cares.
AGE 41: Nobody cares.
AGE 42: Nobody cares.
AGE 43: Nobody cares.
AGE 44: Nobody cares.
AGE 45: Nobody cares.
AGE 46: Nobody cares.
AGE 47: Nobody cares.
AGE 48: Nobody cares.
AGE 49: Nobody cares.
AGE 50: Nobody cares.
AGE 51: Nobody cares.
AGE 52: Nobody cares.
AGE 53: Nobody cares.
AGE 54: Nobody cares.
AGE 55: Nobody cares.
AGE 56: Nobody cares.
AGE 57: Nobody cares

HEY, HENRY, WE GOT ANOTHER LETTER FOR THE "LETTERS TO THE EDITORS" SECTION.
WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
THE GUY JUST SAYS ALL THESE TERRIBLE THINGS ABOUT DOGS.
DOGS? WHO DOESN'T LIKE DOGS?
Also, they are communists.

SIRI, WHY'D I WALK INTO THIS ROOM?
SERIOUSLY?
STUPID TECHNOLOGY.

DID YOU SEE THIS THING THE GOVERNMENT IS SECRETLY DOING?
YOU KNOW, RAT, HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU YOU MIGHT BE A LITTLE PARANOID?
PARANOIA IS WHAT THEY CALL IT WHEN YOUR KNOWLEDGE IS AHEAD OF THE CURVE.
OR BEHIND.
LEMME GUESS... YOU'RE A C.I.A. PLANT.

TODAY HAS BEEN LOUSY.
YOU KNOW, RAT, YOU SHOULD TAKE A MOMENT TO TRY AND COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS.
One plus one... Carry the two... Then...
TOTAL BLESSINGS -14
NO WONDER I'M SO MISERABLE.

WELL, I HAD ALL OF THESE FOLD-OUT MAPS IN THE TRUNK.
AND A BOUND BOOK OF MAPS CALLED A 'THOMAS GUIDE.'
AND IF I GOT IN AN UNFAMILIAR CITY, I GOT FREE MAPS AT THE AAA OFFICE.
THEN THE PERSON IN THE PASSENGER SEAT WOULD LOOK AT THEM AND TRY TO TELL YOU WHICH WAY TO GO.
AND IF ALL THAT FAILED, YOU COULD ASK FOR HELP FROM A GAS STATION SERVICE ATTENDANT ... I SEE A QUESTION.
MY FRIENDS AND I WERE WONDERING IF YOU HAD ELECTRICITY BACK THEN.
YES, WE HAD ELECTRICITY, YOU BRAT.
AND THAT'S WHY I DON'T TALK TO YOUNG PEOPLE.
NOW GO EXPLAIN BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO STORES!

HEY, RAT, WE’VE GOT ALL THESE OLD CORDS AND CABLES IN THE JUNK DRAWER... I’M JUST GONNA GET RID OF THEM.
THAT’S FINE.
OH MY GAWD, I’M HAVING AN EMERGENCY AND THIS OLD PHONE FROM THE 1990s IS THE ONLY WAY TO REACH THE OUTSIDE WORLD!! I NEED THE CORD OR WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!
THESE THINGS HAPPEN.

Dear God,
My eventual death will make a whole lot of people very, very sad.

And I don't want to make anyone sad.

So when it comes time for me to die, make sure they die too.

NO NEED TO THANK ME.

I'M TAKING A COURSE ON DISPUTE RESOLUTION. ONE OF THE THINGS THEY TEACH US IS TO BEGIN SENTENCES WITH THE PHRASE, "I FEEL LIKE"...
WHAT FOR?
MAKES ALL YOUR STATEMENTS LESS CONFRONTATIONAL. YOU SHOULD TRY IT SOMETIME.
I FEEL LIKE
YOU'RE A MORON.
NOT HOW THAT GOES.
DISPUTE RESOLVED.