Pearls Before Swine | Search

HOW WAS YOUR MORNING, PIG?
GOOD. I DEBATED SOME PEOPLE ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
I THINK I MADE SOME REALLY GOOD POINTS THAT MIGHT HAVE CHANGED SOME MINDS.
STUDIES SUGGEST THAT BETWEEN 20% AND 68% OF THE COMMENTS ON SOCIAL MEDIA ARE BY BOTS.
I NEED SOME NEW HOBBIES.

HOW COME WHEN YOU TEXT ME, YOUR TONE ALWAYS SEEMS SO BORED?
PROBABLY BECAUSE I DON'T USE A LOT OF EXCLAMATION POINTS.
YEAH. WHY DON'T YOU USE THEM?
BECAUSE YOU USE SO MANY YOU CREATED A SHORTAGE.
SOME THINGS YOU JUST DON'T SAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING RAT?
SELLING MY PEOPLE-SWATTERS. THE LINE IS AROUND THE BLOCK.
ALL FOR SWATTING PEOPLE WHO TALK TO YOU IN THE MORNING?
YEAH, BUT NOW I'VE BROADENED ITS USE TO CO-WORKERS, BAD RELATIVES, AND PEOPLE WHO INVITE YOU TO DESTINATION WEDDINGS.
HE'S GONNA BE A KAZILLIONAIRE!
CAN YOU USE IT ON PEOPLE WHO PARK OVER THE WHITE LINES?
I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.

MY NEW YEAR'S STRATEGY FOR BEING THE MOST ATTRACTIVE GUY WHEREVER I GO.
BY PIG
Only hang out with unattractive people.
I RESENT THE IMPLICATION.
I'LL START TOMORROW.

RAT, I JUST SAW A VIDEO OF YOU AT THE CITY COUNCIL MEETING ARGUING AGAINST A CAFE I'M TRYING TO BUILD.
OH, YEAH, I SAW THAT, TOO. IT LOOKS REAL, BUT IT WAS GENERATED BY A.I.
HEY, MY RING CAM JUST SHOWED ME A VIDEO OF YOU STEALING ONE OF MY PACKAGES!
YEP. BUT IT WASN'T REAL. IT WAS A.I.
HEY, RAT, DID I SEE A VIDEO OF YOU HOLDING MY WIFE AT A COLDPLAY CON-
A.I!
WHEN ANYTHING CAN BE DOUBTFUL, THE DOUBTFUL CAN DO ANYTHING.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES. I'D LIKE TO PATENT THIS.
LOOKS LIKE A FLYSWATTER.
WRONG. IT'S NOT FOR SWATTING FLIES.
WHAT'S IT SWAT?
STRANGERS WHO START UP CONVERSATIONS BEFORE MY FIRST CUP OF COFFEE.
APPARENTLY, YOU CAN'T PATENT ASSAULT.

WHATS WITH THE FLYSWATTER? I DON'T HAVE FLIES IN MY DINER.
IT'S NOT FOR FLIES.
THEN WHATS IT FOR?
PEOPLE WHO START UP CONVERSATIONS BEFORE MY FIRST CUP OF COFFEE.
SURE IS HOT WEATHER WE'RE—
THIS COULD SOLVE ALL OF SOCIETY'S PROBLEMS.

HEY, CARTOON BOY, I'M DOING A QUICK CALCULATION THAT MIGHT BE HELPFUL TO YOU.
WHAT'S THAT?
WELL, YOU'RE 57, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
GREAT...SO BASED ON THE AVERAGE LIFE EXPECTANCY FOR AN AMERICAN MALE, YOU HAVE JUST 26% OF YOUR LIFE LEFT.
HOW IS THAT HELPFUL?
IT'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW WHEN THE BUZZER SOUNDS.

BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
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BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
BAD DAY
I'M KEEPING TRACK SO I KNOW WHAT THE UNIVERSE OWES ME.
HAPPY NEW YEAR, BUDDY.

HELLO, GOAT. I'M HERE TO ADMIT THAT I'VE DONE A LOT OF WRONG THINGS IN MY LIFE.
GOOD FOR YOU, RAT. THAT'S AN IMPORTANT THING TO ACKNOWLEDGE.
AND IT'S ALL THE FAULT OF GENETICS.
I'M GONNA ENJOY MY COFFEE NOW.
BUT ALL THE GOOD THINGS I'VE DONE MYSELF.

WHEN I WAS YOUNG, WE USED TO HAVE SPORTING EVENTS AND AWARD SHOWS FREQUENTLY INTERRUPTED BY STREAKERS.
WHAT'S A STREAKER?
SOMEONE WHO WOULD TAKE OFF ALL THEIR CLOTHES AND RUN AROUND.
WE DIDN'T HAVE A LOT TO DO IN THOSE DAYS.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A LIFE WELL-LIVED?
ONE WHERE YOU LIVE IN THE MOMENT. GRATEFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE.
BUT I THOUGHT THE GOAL WAS FINANCIAL SUCCESS! FAME! IMMORTALITY!
ALWAYS REMEMBER, PIG... NO MATTER HOW WELL YOU DO OR DON'T DO IN LIFE, IN THE END YOU'RE EITHER THROWN IN A HOLE OR ASH.
WISH HE'D SAID 'SPOILER ALERT.'

NEVER
GIVE
UP
NEVER
GIVE

PIG, DO YOU THINK I'M A GOOD GUY?
BE HONEST. THIS IS A SAFE SPACE.
I THINK SOMETIMES YOU'RE RUDE AND SELF-CENTERED.
KSShhh
THIS KIND OF SAFE SPACE.
ALWAYS BE CLEAR ON YOUR TERMS.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT MY PLAN TO IMPROVE DEATH?
WHAT'S THE PLAN? :)
WELL, YOU DIE BUT AFTER TEN YEARS YOU COME BACK.
WHY SO LONG?
SOME PEOPLE TAKE A LONG TIME TO MISS.
I COULD SEE YOU TAKING LONGER.
GUESS WHO DOESN'T GET TO COME BACK.

DEAR GOD,
THE BIGGEST PROBLEM
WITH DEATH IS ITS
FINALITY. SO I
PROPOSE ONE SMALL
TWEAK.
AFTER TEN YEARS,
THE PERSON COMES
BACK.
DO THEY
ALL HAVE
TO COME
BACK?
P.S.
PLEASE
KEEP SOME
DEAD.

HEY, PIG. HOW GOES IT?
STRESSED. RAT AND I ARE AT THE AIRPORT TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHICH GATE OUR CONNECTING FLIGHT LEAVES FROM.
JUST TEXT YOURSELF THE FLIGHT NUMBER AND CLICK THE LINK. IT TELLS YOU EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT THE FLIGHT, INCLUDING THE GATE.
SOME THINGS SHOULD BE TAUGHT IN SCHOOL.

DEAR THE WORLD AS I KNOW IT...
BE THE WORLD AS I ENVISION IT.
P.S. AND PLEASE HAVE ICE CREAM GROW ON TREES.
NEVER HURTS TO ASK.

HOW THE TWO-PARTY SYSTEM WORKS
PARTY A WINS ELECTION.
YAAAAAAY!
PARTY B GOES TO THE SIDELINES, WHERE FOR TWO YEARS THEY YELL, OBSTRUCT, AND HOPE PARTY A FAILS.
JERK!
HOPE YOU FAIL!
PARTY A FAILS.
*sigh*
PARTY B WINS ELECTION.
YAAAAAY!
PARTY A GOES TO THE SIDELINES, WHERE FOR TWO YEARS THEY YELL, OBSTRUCT, AND HOPE PARTY B FAILS.
JERK!
HOPE YOU FAIL!
PARTY B FAILS.
*sigh*
WHOA WHOA WHOA...I DON'T GET SOMETHING...IF THE PARTY IN POWER FAILS, DOESN'T THE NATION FAIL TOO?
IT DOES!
I MUST BE MISSING SOMETHING.
SADLY, YOU'RE NOT.
MAYBE IT'S TRUE. THEY JUST WRITE "ETC ETC."

HEY, DO YOU REMEMBER THE NAME OF THAT GUY WALKING TOWARD US?
YEAH. HIS NAME'S GARY AND HE DRIVES A FORD. I HAVE A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY.
SORRY. I COULDN'T HELP BUT OVERHEAR. MY NAME'S PAUL AND I DRIVE A PRIUS.
I HAVE A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY BUT ALL OF MY SHOTS ARE OUT OF FOCUS.

YOU'RE BEING SO TRUCULENT TODAY.
WHAT DOES "TRUCULENT" MEAN?
QUICK TO ARGUE.
I'M NOT LIKE THAT.
AND THERE YOU GO BEING TRUCULENT.
I HATE WHEN HE GETS A NEW WORD-OF-THE-DAY CALENDAR.
YOU CAN NEVER ARGUE ABOUT BEING TRUCULENT WITHOUT BEING TRUCULENT.

I LOVE MEETING NEW PEOPLE. HOW ABOUT YOU, RAT? HOW DO YOU VIEW NEW PEOPLE?
Potential annoying guy who might talk to me all day. Stop making eye contact. ABORT! ABORT!
DIFFERENTLY.

HEY, GOAT, HAVE YOU MET "SEWER GUY"?
WHAT'S HE DOING DOWN THERE?
I'M WAITING OUT THIS WHOLE ERA.
HAVE ROOM FOR ONE MORE??
YOU SCARED HIM BACK INTO HIS HOLE.

To the man who cut me off in traffic this morning...
I noticed you flipped me off so strenuously that you might have hurt your arm.
Hope you're doing okay.
HE'S NOT LIKE THE REST OF US.
P.S. Here's hoping you heal fast so you can flip off others.

I'M DOING THIS PERSONALITY QUIZ WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WRITE DOWN THE NAMES OF THE THREE PEOPLE YOU'D MOST LIKE TO HANG OUT WITH.
1) MY DOG
2) A BOOK
3) TEA
TECHNICALLY, NONE OF THOSE IS A 'PEOPLE.'
MY DOG'S THE BEST PEOPLE I KNOW.