Pearls Before Swine | Search

YOU EVER WONDER WHO IT IS THAT DECIDES THAT IF YOU SAY CERTAIN WORDS YOU CAN LOSE YOUR JOB AND DISAPPEAR FROM SOCIETY?
I DON'T WONDER.
I KNOW.
IT'S THE...
WORD DECIDER!
AND I'M HOLDING IN MY HAND A LIST OF WORDS AND PHRASES YOU CAN NO LONGER SAY...
"HYSTERICAL," "PADDY WAGON," "ADDICT," "TONE DEAF," "SPIRIT ANIMAL," "LAME," "GRANDFATHERED IN," "LONG TIME NO SEE"...
RAT, DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING A BIT CRAZY?
"CRAZY"? A BANNED TERM?! OFFENSIVE TO CRAZY PEOPLE!
YOU CAN'T SAY "CRAZY PEOPLE"! PREPARE TO BE HOMELESS!
"HOMELESS"? DON'T YOU MEAN "PEOPLE EXPERIENCING HOMELESSNESS"?
AUGHH!!
AUGHH!
MAYBE INSTEAD OF TALKING, I'LL JUST USE SOME SIGNALS.
OH.
MAYBE INSTEAD OF TALKING, I'LL JUST USE SOME SIGNALS.
OH.

EXCUSE ME, BUT I PAID FOR MY COFFEE WITH MY CARD AND NOW THE SCREEN IS ASKING WHAT LEVEL OF TIP I WANT TO LEAVE.
YEAH, SO?
WELL, NORMALLY I WOULDN'T TIP FOR YOU JUST HANDING ME A CUP OF COFFEE.
WELL, THEN DON'T.
BUT YOU'RE LOOKING RIGHT AT ME AND I'D HAVE TO CLICK 'NO TIP' RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.
THAT'S TRUE.
I TIPPED HIM FIFTY DOLLARS.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THOSE GUYS GOING AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD STEALING PACKAGES FROM PEOPLE'S FRONT PORCHES?
YEAH, THAT HASN'T REALLY BEEN A PROBLEM FOR US.
WHY NOT?
YOU'RE MAKING A POOR LIFE CHOICE.

HEY, RAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, JESUS RODRIGUEZ. HE'S A BASEBALL PITCHER.
OH, YEAH? ARE YOU A STARTER OR ARE YOU A RELIEVER WHO COMES IN TO SAVE GAMES?
JESUS SAVES.
YOU'VE STRUCK OUT AGAIN.

FORGIVE ME, FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED.
RAT? IS THAT YOU?
YEAH, WHY? YOU CAN'T HEAR ME?
NOT REALLY. I PUT ON NOISE-CANCELING HEADPHONES.
WHAT FOR?
YOUR LEVEL OF SIN IS JUST TOO OVERWHELMING. SO I EITHER DO THIS OR START DRINKING AGAIN.
ONE CAN APPARENTLY SIN TOO MUCH.

PAT, WE'RE CALLING EACH OF OUR EMPLOYEES INTO THE OFFICE TODAY TO GET A SENSE OF WHAT YOUR EMPLOYMENT GOALS ARE.
WIN THE LOTTERY. TELL YOU TO SHOVE IT.
EMPLOYERS SHOULD NEVER ASK ABOUT YOUR GOALS.

WHAT'S THAT THING OVER YOUR HEAD?
THE MOTIVATOR.
HELPS WHEN I'M A LITTLE SLOW TO START MY WEEK.
GOTTA REMEMBER TO OPEN THE WINDOW ON MONDAYS.

WELL, I'M OFF TO PROTEST THE STUPID GOVERNMENT WE HAVE.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO - PICKET OUTSIDE A GOVERNMENT BUILDING? GET PEOPLE TO SIGN A PETITION?
NO. WE'RE GONNA STAND ON A BRIDGE DURING COMMUTE HOURS AND ANGER A HUGE BUNCH OF REGULAR PEOPLE JUST TRYING TO PICK UP THEIR KIDS OR GO TO WORK.
WON'T THAT JUST INFURIATE A WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE WHO MIGHT OTHERWISE HAVE BEEN ON YOUR SIDE?
NOW I'M RETHINKING BURNING DOWN THEIR BUSINESSES.
COULD UPSET THEM.

Flounder
GROCERY LIST?
WHAT I HAVE DONE SO FAR THIS YEAR
MY GROCERY LIST ISN'T NEARLY AS SAD.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB, THANKS FOR INVITING ME TO YOUR BIG PARTY.
SURE THING, PIG.
BOOOOOO
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU SAID TO BRING BOOS.
THIS IS WHY YOU'RE NEVER INVITED ANYWHERE.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS IN A WORLD SO FILLED WITH PAIN AND SUFFERING?
COMFY PANTS.
EVERYTHING WILL BE BETTER NOW.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?
IT'S A POSITIVITY THERAPIST. PEOPLE WRITE TO ME ABOUT BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN THEIR LIFE AND I RE-FRAME IT AS A POSITIVE. HAVE A LOOK.
Dear Dr. Pig,
My doctor just gave me five months to live.
NO MORE
TELEMARKETER
CALLS FOR YOU!
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, HE'S STILL DEPRESSED.

HI, BOB. GIMME A COUPLE CHILI DOGS AND ONE LEMONADE.
HERE YOU GO, PIG.
I LIKE TO SUPPORT SMALL BUSINESSES.

WHAT'S THAT THING?
AN EGG TIMER.
YOU COOKING EGGS?
NO. IT LETS ME KNOW WHEN I'VE EXCEEDED THE AMOUNT OF TIME I WANT TO INTERACT WITH OTHERS TODAY.
DING!
WELL, IT'S BEEN GREAT CATCHING UP.
OH, LOOK, MY RUDENESS ALARM'S GOING OFF.

DID YOU KNOW THAT 26% OF AMERICANS DON’T KNOW THAT THE EARTH REVOLVES AROUND THE SUN?
ONLY 39% CAN NAME THE THREE BRANCHES OF GOVERNMENT.
ALMOST 30% DON’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ASTRONOMY AND ASTROLOGY.
AND ONE-THIRD OF AMERICANS DON’T KNOW WHO DELIVERED THE GETTYSBURG ADDRESS.
OH. AND 51% OF AMERICANS HAVEN’T READ A BOOK IN THE PAST 12 MONTHS.
I DON’T UNDERSTAND.
YEAH...ME NEITHER. HOW IN THE HECK DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN?
NO, I MEAN I DON’T UNDERSTAND PERCENTAGES. WAS SOMEONE SUPPOSED TO LEARN ME THAT?
I SAW GOAT CRY TODAY.

THIS IS A "RESEALABLE" BAG OF SHREDDED CHEESE.
EXCEPT THAT EVERY TIME I TRY TO RESEAL IT, I CAN'T LINE UP THE LITTLE RIDGE THINGIES, AND I JUST SPENT FORTY-FIVE MINUTES TRYING.
AAAAAUGGHH!!
THERE ARE PROBABLY BETTER WAYS OF HANDLING THAT.
WHO HOLDS THE SECRET TO THIS MYSTERY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
WRITING A LETTER
TO MY HIGH SCHOOL
ENGLISH TEACHER
THANKING HER FOR
EVERYTHING SHE
TAUGHT ME.
THAT'S GREAT! NOT ENOUGH
PEOPLE TAKE THE TIME TO
THANK THE TEACHERS WHO
GOT THEM TO WHERE THEY
ARE IN LIFE. CAN I SEE IT?
SURE.
Dear Ms. Smith,
Thanks to you,
I now write
more goodly.
MAYBE DON’T THANK HER.

HEY, GOAT, HOW COME YOU'RE NOT AT THE CAFE TODAY?
THEY'RE INSTALLING AN ALARM AT MY HOUSE. IT'S GREAT. HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT GETTING A HOME PROTECTION SYSTEM?
I WOULD, BUT I ALREADY HAVE ONE.
C'MON, SOMEONE, MAKE MY DAY.

RAT! HAVEN'T TALKED TO YOU IN A MILLION YEARS!
HEY, COUSIN NICK... YEAH, WE NEED TO CATCH UP.
YEAH. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE. LET'S TALK THIS WEEK.
SOUNDS GREAT.
I'LL CALL YOU.
LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
THAT'S THE CLOSEST WE EVER COME TO TALKING.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES. I'M HERE TO TELL YOU ABOUT OUR CREMATION SERVICES. MUCH CHEAPER THAN TRADITIONAL BURIAL.
YOU INTERRUPTED MY T.V. SHOW TO TELL ME THAT?!
THAT REALLY BURNS ME UP.
WE SHOULD CREMATE YOU NOW.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
MAKING A PLAN FOR MY FINANCIAL FUTURE. I WANT TO SAVE ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
THAT'S SMART. EXPERTS SAY THAT'S THE KEY TO GROWING YOUR PERSONAL WEALTH... CAN I SEE WHAT YOU HAVE?
SURE.
Find magic lamp. Ask genie for one million dollars.
MAYBE SOMETHING MORE REALISTIC.
THAT'S MY MOST REALISTIC.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
WELL, WITH SO MUCH ANGER AND DISSENSION IN THE WORLD, I'VE DECIDED TO STOP ARGUING ABOUT POLITICS WITH NEIGHBOR BOB.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. AFTER ALL, WE ONLY HAVE ONE WORLD AND WE ALL HAVE TO LIVE IN IT.
YES. AND TO SYMBOLIZE OUR COMMITMENT, I GOT US A PEACE DOVE THAT WILL FLY OVER HIS HOUSE.
THAT'S GREAT!
YOU READY, NEIGHBOR BOB?
I AM!
KABOOM
IT'S A SAD DAY WHEN EVEN YOUR PEACE DOVES ARE VIOLENT.

THIS IS MY FIRST TIME DOING SPEED DATING.
ME TOO. SO TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF.
WELL, IF A CAR AHEAD OF ME FAILS TO GO THE SECOND THE LIGHT TURNS GREEN, I HONK.
I HONK AND MAKE AN OBSCENE GESTURE!
MARRY ME!!
IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.

BALLOON TO FLY AWAY FROM ALL YOUR TROUBLES
BALLOON TO FLY AWAY FROM ALL YOUR TROUBLES
AND A DRINK TO FORGET THEM
LIFE JUST GETS BETTER AND BETTER.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS. I'M CONSTANTLY DEPRESSED BY THE NEWS OF THE WORLD.
IS THAT SO?
YES, BUT THEN I THINK — PRIOR GENERATIONS HAD THE NEWS. BUT THEY WERE TOUGH AND THEY GOT THROUGH IT.
PRIOR GENERATIONS GOT ONE HALF HOUR OF NEWS A DAY.
THOSE WUSSIES HAD IT EASY.