Pearls Before Swine | Search

I GOTTA GO. I GOTTA GET IN MY 10,000 STEPS TODAY.
I THOUGHT YOU JUST WALKED FIVE MILES.
I DID. BUT I FORGOT TO TAKE MY PHONE, SO I DIDN'T GET CREDIT FOR IT.
BUT YOUR BODY GOT THE HEALTH BENEFIT. ISN'T THAT THE POINT?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE POINT OF ANYTHING IS ANYMORE BECAUSE THIS PHONE CONTROLS MY WHOLE G#@%$#*& LIFE!!
ADMITTING IT IS THE FIRST STEP TOWARD RECOVERY.
I CURSE STEVE JOBS FROM AFAR.

I'M RESEARCHING BLACK HOLES, BUT I CAN'T FIND HOW BIG THEY ARE.
BING IT.
DO WHAT NOW?
USE BING. IT'S A SEARCH ENGINE.
I THINK YOU'RE MAKING THAT UP.
GOOGLE IT TO BE SURE.
BING IS A THING!

HEY, GOAT, WHATCHA DOING?
JUST TRYING TO DO SOME DEEP THINKING.
OOOH. I LIKE TO DO DEEP THINKING... WHAT ARE WE THINKING ABOUT?
WHETHER THERE'S LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS.
THE BOARD GAME OR THE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
I'VE BEEN ASKED TO THINK ON MY OWN.

Dear all the people who have ever died...
What happens to us?
I'M HOPING ONE OF THEM SPILLS THE BEANS.

MY ENTIRE WORLD WAS SMASHED INTO PIECES THIS MORNING.
SO I'M GOING TO CRY IN A DARK ROOM AND CONTEMPLATE WHETHER LIFE ITSELF IS STILL WORTH LIVING.
HIS WORDLE STREAK ENDED.
I THINK IT WILL BE OKAY.
DON'T YOU DARE MINIMIZE MY GRIEF.

HEY, PIG, HOW YA DOING?
HI, FRANNY FRENCH BREAD. YOU SURE ARE LOOKING GREAT TODAY.
OH, SURE. COMPLIMENT HER BECAUSE SHE'S SO SHAPELY AND WELL-BUILT. IT'S NOT MY FAULT I WAS BORN WITH A SMALL BOSOM, YOU CROISSANT JERK.
FLATBREAD.

OH, GREAT...WHAT'S THIS TIME-WASTING THING?
CAN I SEE YOUR CLUES VERY FRUSTRATING PUZZLE?
CROSS WORDS PLEASE.

SORRY TO BE RUDE, PIG, BUT DID YOU JUST EAT A PIZZA?
NO.
THEN WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
MY COLOGNE.
EAU DE PEPPERONI IS NOT THE HIT I ENVISIONED.

I'M DOING CROSSFIT TRAINING NOW.
I'VE BEEN DOING THAT FOR YEARS.
YOU HAVE?
YEP.
I WORK OUT IN A BAD MOOD.
NOT WHAT THE "CROSS" PART MEANS.
I DO IT EVEN WHEN I'M NOT WORKING OUT.

MEMO TO THE PEDESTRIANS OF THE WORLD...
IF I STOP MY CAR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET SO YOU, MR. PEDESTRIAN, CAN CROSS...
CAN YOU AT LEAST NOT SAUNTER??
MAYBE JUST SHOW SOME PATIENCE.
I DO BY NOT RUNNING THEM OVER.

I HAVE A FLIGHT TODAY, BUT I DON'T HAVE ALL THE INFO.
IF THAT'S AN IPHONE, JUST TEXT YOURSELF THE FLIGHT NUMBER.
WHAT FOR?
YOU JUST TAP THE TEXT YOU GET AND IT GIVES YOU THE TERMINAL, THE GATE, EVEN THE FLIGHT PATH.
HIS POOR HEAD EXPLODED.
DON'T TELL HIM IT WORKS WITH GOOGLE TOO.

I'M FASCINATED BY OUR GOVERNMENT'S SIMILARITY TO THE ROMAN REPUBLIC NEAR ITS DECLINE.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU, MR. SMART GUY, BUT THE ONLY REASON YOU KNOW SO MUCH IS THAT YOU'RE FROM A PRIVILEGED GROUP.
WHAT GROUP IS THAT?
GUYS WHO READ.
I INVITE YOU TO JOIN OUR SELECT GROUP.
SORRY. TOO BUSY WATCHING NETFLIX.

EVERYONE AROUND ME SEEMS TO BE LEADING LIVES THAT ARE BETTER THAN MINE.
WELL, YOU KNOW, PIG, THERE IS SOMETHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
Dear Everyone,
Please lead worse lives.

WHAT’S ALL THIS ?
MY NEW INVENTION, THE UNDO-ER. YOU JUST SMASH THIS CRYSTAL BALL WITH A MALLET AND YOU UNDO THE LAST TEN YEARS OF YOUR LIFE.
YOU MEAN ALL THE BAD STUFF THAT HAPPENED GETS UNDONE? ALL THE PEOPLE I’VE UPSET? THE BAD EXPERIENCES? THE FAILURES?
ALL BACK TO HOW IT WAS.
I CANNOT SMASH THIS CRYSTAL BALL FAST ENOUGH!
YOU ALSO LOSE ALL THE NEW FRIENDS YOU MADE AND THE GOOD EXPERIENCES YOU HAD AND EVERYTHING YOU LEARNED.
LIFE IS SO DARN TRICKY.

WHERE YOU GOING THIS SUMMER?
ENGLAND!
WHY ENGLAND?
BECAUSE I FOUND OUT YOU CAN RENT SALOON CARS! IT'S A CAR WITH A BAR IN IT!
A "SALOON CAR" IS WHAT BRITISH PEOPLE CALL A SEDAN.
NO WONDER WE WANTED INDEPENDENCE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT, RAT?
HI, NEIGHBOR BOB. I'VE BEEN READING A BOOK ON BEING A GOOD NEIGHBOR AND I'VE LEARNED THINGS.
LIKE WHAT ?
LIKE INSTEAD OF IMMEDIATELY JUDGING YOUR NEIGHBORS, TAKE THE TIME TO FIRST GET TO KNOW THEM BY ASKING QUESTIONS.
FIRST QUESTION: WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID?
IT'S HARD TO BE A GOOD NEIGHBOR.

HOW TO BE A POLITICAL CARTOONIST IN TWO EASY STEPS...
by RAT
STEP ONE:
Wait for a tragedy to occur in America.
STEP TWO:
Draw Statue of Liberty weeping.
THERE'S MORE TO IT THAN THAT.
IT'S HALF THE BATTLE.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, NO MATTER WHAT I DO, I CAN'T GET A DATE.
YOU JUST NEED CONFIDENCE.
HOW DO I GET THAT?
FROM DATING A FEW PEOPLE.
LONELINESS IS STARTING TO LOOK LIKE A GOOD OPTION.

I GOT A PINK SLIP AT WORK TODAY.
OH, NO, PIG! WHAT HAPPENED?
MY GIRLFRIEND WANTED ONE AND I WORK AT VICTORIA'S SECRET.
YOU REALLY OVERREACT TO THINGS.
PLEASE STOP TALKING.

HEY, CARTOON BOY, DOES THE LETTER 'V' COME BEFORE THE LETTER 'W'?
UM... YEAH, IT COMES... UH...
A-B-ceeee-D-E-F-Geeeeee H-I-J-K-L-MNIOPeeeeee-Q-R-S-T-U- Veeeeeee W-X-Y AND Zeeeeeee...
YOU'RE 57 YEARS OLD AND STILL NEED TO SING THE ALPHABET SONG!
IT HELPS!

PHASES OF ME BUYING AN APPLIANCE...
OPEN PACKAGE.
REMOVE ITEM.
IGNORE INSTRUCTIONS.
TOSS IN DRAWER.
TAKE STAB AT HOW IT WORKS.
UH...
COOK.

LEARN YEARS LATER THAT IT HAS FUNCTIONS I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT.
IT'S AN AIR FRYER, TOO?

DIDN'T YOU READ THE INSTRUCTIONS?
VOW TO READ INSTRUCTIONS WITH NEXT PURCHASE.
IGNORE INSTRUCTIONS.
TOSS IN DRAWER.
AT LEAST YOU'RE CONSISTENT.
IT HAS A SPECIAL SETTING FOR BAGELS??

HEY, PIG... HOW'S IT GOING?
NOT GOOD AT ALL. EVERY NIGHT, I'M HAVING REAL PHANTOM LIMB ISSUES.
PIG, A PHANTOM LIMB IS THE SENSATION THAT AN AMPUTATED LIMB IS STILL ATTACHED. SO WHATEVER YOU'RE EXPERIENCING, IT'S NOT THAT.
NO ONE BELIEEEEEEVES YOU...

I HAVE TO GO.
I HAVEN’T GOT IN
MY 10,000
STEPS TODAY.
WHY DO YOU
HAVE TO DO
10,000
STEPS?
I HAVE
NO CHOICE.
IT’S FOR
MY HEALTH.
YEAH, BUT WHY 10,000?
WHY NOT,
SAY, 9,000?
OR 9500?
BECAUSE,
I HAVE TO
GET IN MY
10,000
STEPS!!
ARE YOU
A SLAVE TO
YOUR HEALTH OR
YOUR PHONE?

WELL, I'VE RUN THE NUMBERS AND IF WE DO A FEW THINGS, I THINK WE CAN SURVIVE FINANCIALLY.
WHAT'S THIS PART HERE SAY?
'STOP EATING FOOD.'
WE SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THIS YEARS AGO.

REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO USE THE "M" WORD TO DESCRIBE PEOPLE WHO ARE VERY SHORT?
YES.
HOW IS "LITTLE PEOPLE" ANY BETTER?
BROUGHT TO YOU BY "THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THESE THINGS ARE DECIDED."
HEY, WHY DO I HAVE SO MUCH EMAIL TODAY?