Pearls Before Swine | Search

OH, GREAT MUSE. ALL I WANT TO DO IS EAT PIZZA ON MY COUCH. BUT I FEEL GUILTY.
WHY GUILTY?
I DUNNO… LIKE I SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING SIGNIFICANT. SOMETHING THAT WILL BE REMEMBERED.
THEN LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT GIACOMO DA LENTINI. A 13TH CENTURY ITALIAN POET.
HE WAS SO BELOVED FOR HIS POETRY THAT HE SERVED IN THE COURT OF THE HOLY ROMAN EMPEROR. AND HE’S CREDITED WITH INVENTING THE SONNET.
HAVE YOU HEARD OF HIM?
NO.
EXACTLY.
LIFE IS GOOD.

HEY, YOU'RE NEIGHBOR BOB'S SON, AREN'T YOU A SENIOR IN OUR HIGH SCHOOL NOW?
YEAH, BUT I HATE IT. THERE'S NUTHIN' TO DO IN THIS DUMB TOWN.
OHH. I'M SURE THAT'S NOT TRUE. I'LL FIND SOMETHING FUN FOR YOU. HERE. I FOUND THE PERFECT PLACE...
DID YOU KNOW A SENIOR CENTER IS NOT FOR SENIORS?

The only failure
in life
is not trying.
And
the only trying
I do
leads to failure.
LIFE'S GOT ME COMING
AND GOING.

TELL ME, GREAT WISE ASS, AM I INSANE OR HAS THE WORLD GONE INSANE?
THE WORLD. BUT YOU HAVE YOUR MOMENTS.
I WAS HOPING TO BE BLAME-FREE.

I HAVE A NEIGHBOR WHO'S DYING AND WAS JUST GIVEN LAST RITES BY HIS PRIEST.
OH, SORRY. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
You have the right to remain silent... for all eternity, actually.
NO.
WAS I CLOSE?

WHAT KIND OF REGULAR BULB DID WE HAVE?
UH... SIXTY WATTS.
SO WHAT KIND OF L.E.D IS THAT?
I DUNNO. WAIT... IT SAYS DIVIDE BY SEVEN.
DIVIDE BY SEVEN?
WHO KNOWS? MAYBE THAT LUMENS THING. WAIT, WHAT'S —
HEY, HOW MANY IDIOTS DOES IT TAKE TO BUY A LIGHTBULB?
TWO!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
THE TRUTH CAN BE VERY PAINFUL.

I THINK YOU SHOULD CONSIDER IT A TOTAL WRECK AND MAYBE THINK ABOUT A NEW ONE.
GEE. I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS THAT BAD.
WAS THAT YOUR CAR INSURANCE COMPANY?
LIFE COACH.
AND SHE'S A LOT NICER THAN THE LAST ONE.

HEY, RAT. I HAVE TO MOVE ALL MY FURNITURE TO MY NEW HOUSE THIS WEEK. DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HELP?
SURE.
THANK YOU. I APPRECIATE IT.
DING
DID YOU JUST SEND ME A TEXT?
YEAH.
Thoughts and prayers.
I NEED MORE HELP THAN THAT.
NOW YOU’RE PUSHING IT.

DID YOU HEAR THE TRAGIC STORY OF THESE TWO PEOPLE WHO WERE KILLED DURING THE RUNNING OF THE BULLS BY AN ANGRY BULL WHO HAD TO BE PUT DOWN?
WOW, THAT IS A TRAGEDY.
YEAH, THOSE POOR PEOPLE.
I MEANT THE BULL THEY WERE TORTURING JUST FOR FUN.
YOU MAY NOT BE INVITED TO PAMPLONA ANY TIME SOON.
FOR THE RUNNING OF THE FOOLS?

GOSH, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS FERRY THAT SANK OVERSEAS? LOOKS LIKE THERE WERE ABSOLUTELY NO SURVIVORS.
PLEASE DON'T TELL ME THAT WAS AN ATTEMPT TO FLIRT.
I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY!

I WAS SKIING ON A PISTE YESTERDAY AND GOT KICKED OFF.
WHAT'S A PISTE?
A SKI TRAIL. BUT I GUESS IT WASN'T OPEN, SO THE JERK IN CHARGE TOLD ME TO GET OFF.
HOW DID HE SAY IT?
'PISTE...OFF!!'
NOW I'M
OFF.
WATCH YOUR TONGUE, COMIC STRIP CENSOR.

I FINALLY GOT A DISABILITY PLACARD. FOR MY CAR.
DISABILITY? WHAT ARE YOU UNABLE TO DO?
GO FIVE MINUTES WITHOUT IDIOTS RUINING MY DAY.
THEN WE MAY ALL BE DISABLED.
YOU'RE NOT BORROWING MY PLACARD.

HEY, NEIGHBOR NANCY... HOW'S YOUR JOB GOING?
CLEANING ROOMS AT THE YOUTH HOSTEL?
YEAH.
HAD TO QUIT. IT WAS A TERRIBLE PLACE TO WORK.
HOSTEL WORK ENVIRONMENT?
I'LL SHOW YOU HOSTILE.

Dear World,
Be better.
If not, I shall be forced to go live in some other one.
THIS IS THE ONLY ONE WE'VE GOT.
THAT WILL KEEP ME UP TONIGHT.

AND THAT'S WHY I HOLD JOHN TYLER AS THE WORST PRESIDENT EVER!
SO WORSE THAN WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON?
WHO'S THAT NOW?
THE NINTH PRESIDENT. CAUGHT A COLD DURING HIS INAUGURAL ADDRESS AND DIED 30 DAYS LATER.
SO HE ACHIEVED NOTHING.
WELL, MAYBE NOT WORSE THAN THAT.
WORSE THAN JAMES BUCHANAN?
JAMES WHO?
THE 15TH PRESIDENT. THE COUNTRY LITERALLY FELL APART UNDER HIM. ELEVEN STATES LEFT THE UNION... AND HE DID NOTHING.
WELL, NOT THAN THAT BAD.
SO WORSE THAN WARREN HARDING.
A.K.A. THE 29TH PRESIDENT. KNOWN FOR BEING UNINFORMED ABOUT HISTORY AND CAN'T EVEN NAME THREE OTHER PRESIDENTS!!
THANK YOU.
YOU HISTORY FOLKS ARE BRUTAL.
THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH HIDE YOU CAN TAKE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, PIG?
I GOT THE ANGST.
OVER WHAT?
AN ANGSTY ANGST WORLD.
CAN I DO ANYTHING TO HELP?
FIX THE WORLD.
THAT MAY EXCEED MY POWERS.
BACK COMES THE ANGSTY ANGST.

HISTORY EXAM
How many soldiers died in the American Civil War?
civil
adjective
1. courteous and polite
Zero. They agreed to disagree and went home.
MAYBE WE SHOULD GIVE UP TEACHING.
I GAVE UP YEARS AGO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Mourning one of you zeeba guys who die.
YES, WELL, THE SPELLING IS 'REST IN P-E-A-C-E.'
You not good at spelling.

IS DRAWING THE STRIP EASY FOR YOU?
OH YEAH… I COULD DO IT BLINDFOLDED.
NO, YOU CAN'T.
GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE.

I AM GOING TO SACRIFICE SLEEP, HEALTH, AND FRIENDS, AND DEVOTE ALL OF MY WAKING HOURS TO BECOMING A PROFESSIONAL WRITER.
WHAT FOR?
TO BECOME RICH.
NINETY-EIGHT PERCENT OF BOOKS SELL LESS THAN 5000 COPIES.
WRITERS MAKE POOR LIFE CHOICES.

TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER THAN TODAY
THOSE ARE SOME BIG BOLD LETTERS. HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?
BECAUSE TODAY WAS VERY, VERY BAD.
HOPE THAT MAKES THAT CLEAR.

THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE THESE DAYS WHO ONLY
SEE THE NEGATIVE IN EVERYTHING. SEE IF YOU'RE
ONE OF THEM BY FINDING THE ONE UNHAPPY FACE
IN THIS SEA OF HAPPINESS.
FIRST THING I SAW.
BUT THEY'RE ALL SMILING.
TOO LAZY TO DRAW A REAL STRIP TODAY?
YOU MUST BE ONE OF THE NEGATIVE ONES.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HELLO, SIR, WE'RE HERE TO ASK IF YOU'RE READY FOR JUDGMENT DAY.
WHEN IS IT?
NO ONE KNOWS.
WELL, THEN WHAT ARE YOU BANGING ON MY DOOR FOR?
THEY COULD AT LEAST BE INFORMED.

HEY, GOAT, CAN YOU WATCH MY DOG FOR A FEW DAYS WHILE I'M GONE?
SURE.
YOU JUST GOTTA BE CAREFUL WITH ITS PORES. THEY'RE VERY SENSITIVE WHEN IT RAINS.
SO WAIT...WHEN SHOULD I BE CAREFUL? AND WITH WHAT PART OF YOUR DOG'S BODY?
WHEN IT RAINS...ITS PORES.
YOUR PARENTS MUST BE SO ASHAMED.

RAT'S COURSE ON WRITING
BE BRILLIANT.
I EXPECTED MORE.