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OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHEN PEOPLE SAY THEY'RE WAITING FOR THEIR TIME TO COME, WHERE EXACTLY DO THEY DO THIS WAITING?
WHY DO YOU ASK?
BECAUSE NOT MUCH HAS BEEN HAPPENING IN MY LIVING ROOM.
HE SAYS MY MOTIVATION IS NOT WHAT IT COULD BE.

I CAN NEVER BE HAPPY.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE WHENEVER THINGS ARE GOOD, I ALWAYS THINK THAT SOMETHING BAD IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER.
SO TRUE. LIKE RIGHT NOW, THIS WHOLE BUILDING COULD COLLAPSE ON YOU AND CRUSH YOU LIKE A FIG.
I MIGHT NEED A NEW THERAPIST.

BOB WAS TIRED OF NEVER KNOWING WHAT NEWS TO TRUST.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE!
SO BOB DEVELOPED A “BALONEYOMETER”… A DEVICE THAT WOULD DING WHENEVER BOB SAW A STORY THAT WAS FALSE.
I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THIS YEARS AGO.
SO BOB TESTED IT OUT BY WATCHING NETWORK NEWS.
LOOK AT THAT! IT WORKS!
AND CABLE NEWS.
DING! DING! DING!
AND SOCIAL MEDIA.
DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!
THE BALONEYOMETER HAS LIMITS.
BOB COULDN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH.
IT’S SAFER TO JUST BELIEVE EVERYTHING!

OH GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE?
TO LOVE AND SHOW KINDNESS TO EVERYONE YOU ENCOUNTER.
BUT PEOPLE ARE MEAN AND RUDE AND ANNOYING. SO HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
LIVE ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN WHERE YOU ENCOUNTER NOBODY.
THE GUY'S FIGURED OUT EVERYTHING.

HEY, NEIGHBOR NANCY, HAVE YOU MET THE GUY WHO MOVED IN ACROSS THE STREET FROM YOU?
YEAH, HE'S A HOT YOGA INSTRUCTOR.
OHHH, TELL ME MORE.
HE TEACHES THIS TYPE OF YOGA THAT'S DONE IN A HOT AND HUMID ROOM AND IS QUITE AVERAGE-LOOKING HIMSELF.
OH.
GOTTA BE HARD TO BE A NOT-HOT, HOT YOGA INSTRUCTOR.

WHAT THE HECK'S THE CHEF
DOING? HE'S BEEN STANDING
OVER THERE HOLDING MY
BURGER FOR TWENTY MINUTES.
IT'S CALLED THE 'SLOW FOOD
MOVEMENT.'
YOU CAN'T BE PROUD OF
THIS.

HEY RAT, HOW GOES ANTARCTICA?
IT'S COLD. THERE ARE NO BARBECUE JOINTS, NO BARS, AND ONLY ONE STRIP CLUB.
IT'S ANTARCTICA. I'M SURPRISED YOU FOUND ANY STRIP CLUBS AT ALL. WHO DOES THE STRIPPING?

I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM PEOPLE. WHERE SHOULD I GO?
I GUESS THAT DEPENDS ON HOW MUCH PEOPLE ANNOY YOU.
ANTARCTICA
HOPE THEY HAVE LIQUOR STORES.

HEY, GOAT, WHAT'S THE WORD FOR WHEN ONE GUY'S PROPERTY JUST TOUCHES THE PROPERTY OF ANOTHER GUY?
ABUT?
YOUR MATURITY IS NOT WHAT IT COULD BE.

HEY, NEIGHBOR GARY... I HEAR YOU'RE DOING WELL GIVING SUCCESS SEMINARS.
YEP. $500 A POP. I CAN RESERVE A SPACE FOR YOU IF YOU'D LIKE.
WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT?
WELL, WE FOCUS FIRST ON WORK-PLACE SUCCESS... BEING IN A CAREER WITH REAL ADVANCEMENT POTENTIAL.
THEN FINANCIAL SUCCESS... MAKING LIFE-CHANGING MONEY... GENERATIONAL WEALTH.
THEN SUCCESS IN TERMS OF LEGACY... LIFE GOALS ACHIEVED... THE MARK YOU LEAVE IN THE WORLD.
I THINK SUCCESS IS JUST THE ABILITY TO ENJOY YOUR DAY.
HE KNOWS NOTHING.
YOU SAVED ME FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS!

HERE'S YOUR CHECK, SIR. IT'S $16 FOR THE SIDE SALAD, $23 FOR THE BURGER AND FRIES, AND $15 FOR THE COCKTAIL, FOR A TOTAL OF $54.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
OKAY. NOW GIVE ME THE REAL TOTAL.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO TIP 20, 25, OR 30 PERCENT?
STILL WAITING FOR THE REAL TOTAL.

ETHICS FINAL EXAM
You're on a runaway trolley headed for five people standing on the track. If you do nothing, they will all be killed.
You have it in your power to make the trolley switch tracks. But if you do, you will kill a person standing on the other track. What do you do?
Yell, 'HEY! DUM DUMS! GET OFF THE TRACKS!'
THIS IS WHY TEACHERS DRINK.
HERE'S TO THAT.

I'M HAVING OVER A FRIEND NAMED STEVIE... STEVIE NICKS
-- THE FURNITURE. SHE'S VERY CARELESS WITH WOOD SURFACES.
YOU SHOULD GO YOUR OWN WAY.

HEY, I SENT YOU THE LINK TO THAT THING.
YEAH, I GOT IT.
WHAT'D YOU THINK?
I HAVEN'T OPENED IT.
YOU SAID YOU'D TAKE A LOOK.
“I’LL TAKE A LOOK” IS TEXT-SPEAK FOR “PLEASE STOP SENDING ME STUPID LINKS.”
SOMETIMES I FEEL VERY OLD.
DON’T SEND ME LINKS ON THAT.

HEY, EILE, IT'S ME, STEPHAN... JUST CALLING TO SAY I BOUGHT THE TICKET. IF YOU WANT TO CALL ME BACK, MY NUMBER'S 707-555-0100.
JUST SO YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU CALL SOMEONE, YOUR NUMBER APPEARS RIGHT THERE ON THEIR LITTLE PHONEY PHONE.
OLD HABITS DIE HARD!
ALSO, IT'S NOT 1986 ANYMORE.

Dear God,
I don't know who
here runs things for
you or how much they
keep you informed.
But a lot of times
bad things happen to
good people and
good things happen to
bad people.
I'm thinking
maybe somebody
missed a memo.
EMPLOYERS LOVE FEEDBACK.

OH, GREAT, YOU'VE GONE FULL COMMIE... WHAT ARE YOU PROPOSING NOW?
IT'S NOT COMMUNIST. I JUST THINK WE SHOULD RAISE THE TAXES OF PEOPLE WHO MAKE A BILLION DOLLARS A YEAR.
YEAH? RAISE THEM HOW MUCH?
FROM 37% TO 42%.
FORTY-TWO PERCENT? YOU WANNA TAX THEM THE HIGHEST THEY'VE EVER BEEN TAXED IN THE HISTORY OF THE COUNTRY? THIS IS AMERICA, NOT THE LAND OF TROTSKY!!
IN THE 1950s, THE TOP TAX BRACKET WAS 90%.
EVER FEEL LIKE YOU LEARNED NOTHING IN HIGH SCHOOL?
I CARRIED MYSELF LOTS.

I FORGOT TO CHECK ALL MY SOCIAL MEDIA APPS THIS MORNING.
WAIT. ASK YOURSELF IF YOU'D BE HAPPIER IF YOU DO.
THAT'S SMART. I WILL NOT.
GREAT.
GREAT.

DID YOU SEE ALL THE SAILORS IN TOWN?
YEAH. IT MUST BE FLEET WEEK OR SOMETHING.
YEAH, THERE'S SEAMEN EVERYWHERE!
COMIC STRIP OVER.
DID YOU HAVE A BAD EXPERIENCE WITH SEAMEN?

PIG AND I GOT A STORAGE UNIT.
BUT IS THAT SMART?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, YOU PAY X AMOUNT FOR WHERE YOU LIVE AND THEN YOU PAY EXTRA FOR A STORAGE UNIT.
THE STORAGE UNIT IS WHERE WE'RE GONNA LIVE.
OH.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE COST OF HOUSING?

HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR MOM LATELY?
NO.
YOU SHOULD REALLY GO VISIT HER.
I LOVE MY MOTHER, BUT SHE WATCHES THE SAME CABLE NEWS CHANNEL THE ENTIRE DAY. IT'S ON VERY LOUD. AND SHE THINKS I'M A FAILURE.
MOMS CAN BE COMPLICATED.
THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT THE TV DROWNS OUT THE INSULTS.

Dear High School Reunion Committee,
Thank you for inviting me to our reunion.
Unfortunately, I will not be able to attend, as my mansion is stuffed with so much money, I can't find the front door.
P.S. My butler wrote this.
STILL FEEL THE NEED TO IMPRESS YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CLASSMATES?
WHEN DOES IT END?

HEY, RAT. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HEARD, BUT WE HAD TO LAY OFF JOAQUIN.
YOU GAVE HIM HIS JOAQUIN PAPERS?
YOU'RE JOAQUIN ON THIN ICE.

SON, TODAY I'M GONNA TEACH YOU HOW TO IDENTIFY A NEW BIRD - THE TERN.
I JUST WANT TO LOOK FOR PORPOISES.
THERE'LL BE A TIME FOR THAT, BUT FOR NOW, FOCUS ON THE TERN. THEY'RE GRAY ON THE TOP AND WHITE BELOW, WITH A BLACK CAP FOR THE HEAD.
AND HERE'S A BIG CLUE - WHEREVER AT THE SEA, WHERE TERNS TYPICALLY LIVE, SO IF YOU SEE A BIRD THAT LOOKS LIKE THAT AT THE SEA, IT'S PROBABLY A TERN.
HEY, LOOK. THERE'S A BIRD RIGHT THERE. TELL ME WHAT IT IS.
SEAGULL?
SON, PLEASE FOCUS.
PELICAN? CAN WE LOOK FOR PORPOISES NOW?
TERN! TERN! TERN! THERE IS A SEA SON! TERN! TERN! TERN! AND A TIME FOR EVERY PORPOISE!
THIS STRIP IS FOR THE BIRDS.
BYRDS.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE KEY TO BEING A GOOD PERSON?
LOVING OTHERS.
I CAN DO THAT.
GREAT.
EXCEPT FOR ARROGANT MORONS. THEY'VE GOT IT COMING.
LOVE HAS TO HAVE LIMITS.