Pearls Before Swine | Search

FRED HAS ALWAYS SMILING, ALWAYS LAUGHING. THOUGH HE WASN'T ALWAYS A SAINT, AND COULD SOMETIMES BE NAUGHTY, LIKE WHEN HE PARTIED... WHICH OF COURSE LED TO THE FIRE.
AFTER WHICH HE BECAME ILL, FELT LIKE CRAP, AND DIED.
AND THOUGH WE ARE NOW SAD, HE'LL ALWAYS BE IN OUR HEARTS.
I'LL NOW INTRODUCE FRED'S GRANDDAUGHTER, WHO'LL TRANSLATE MY EULOGY FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO SPEND A LOT OF TIME ON YOUR PHONES.
:-)
:-)
:-O
:-)
DO I REPLY WITH A THUMBS-UP?
I GAVE HER A HIGH-FIVE.

PIG, IS THAT YOU?
HEY, DAVE. LONG TIME NO SEE.
I GOTTA WORK ON MY GREETINGS.

HEY, PIG. HOW GOES IT?
HIYA, GOAT...I'D STAND A BIT FURTHER BACK IF I WERE YOU.
WHY IS THAT?
TOO MUCH LOVE IN MY HEART TODAY. I MAY BURST.
MUST BE A GOOD PROBLEM TO HAVE.
IT'S THE BEST.

I DON’T GET IT. I SENT THIS GUY CLEAR DIRECTIONS AND HE’S NOT HERE YET.
WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM?
I TOLD HIM, “MAKE A RIGHT ON MISSION, GO THREE BLOCKS, AND I’LL MEET YOU AT THE CORNER.”
LET ME SEE YOUR TEXT.
Make a right on Mission, go three blocks, and I’ll meet you at the coroner.
SLIGHT TYPO.
OH, PLEASE, SINCE WHEN DO TYPOS MATTER?

WHEN YOU PUT ON SOCKS AND SHOES, DO YOU GO LEFT SOCK, LEFT SHOE, RIGHT SOCK, RIGHT SHOE?
OR... DO YOU GO LEFT SOCK, RIGHT SOCK, LEFT SHOE, RIGHT SHOE?
DOESN'T EVERYONE DO THE LATTER?
YES! AND IT'S... NOT... THE MOST... EFFICIENT... WAY...
AND I DON'T EVEN WEAR SHOES.

THE AVERAGE LIFE EXPECTANCY FOR AN AMERICAN MALE IS 77 YEARS. BUT THE AVERAGE FOR A JAPANESE MALE IS 94 YEARS.
SO?
SO I'M GONNA EAT POORLY, PARTY, AND SMOKE TIL I'M ONE DAY SHORT OF 77.
THEN FLEE TO JAPAN FOR SEVEN MORE BONUS YEARS!
I'M NOT SURE THAT'S HOW THAT WORKS.
IT'S LIKE I'VE FIGURED OUT EVERYTHING.

SEMINAR FOR THOSE WHO HAVE TROUBLE GETTING ALONG WITH OTHERS
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY EVERYTHING THAT POPS INTO YOUR HEAD.
MY LIFE JUST GOT SO MUCH EASIER.

EVERYONE'S SO PESSIMISTIC ABOUT THE FUTURE, BUT THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS TO GIVE US HOPE.
LIKE WHAT?
PEOPLE BECOMING MORE AWARE OF THE NEED TO PROTECT THE ENVIRONMENT.
AND PEOPLE MAKING BETTER CHOICES ABOUT THEIR DIET AND PHYSICAL ACTIVITY.
AND PEOPLE GETTING INVOLVED POLITICALLY AND ORGANIZING TO PROMOTE CHANGE.
AND MOST OF ALL, PEOPLE JUST TRYING TO EDUCATE THEMSELVES TO BE MORE KNOWLEDGEABLE ABOUT THE WORLD AROUND THEM.
THAT'S WHAT GIVES ME HOPE.
AT MY GROCERY STORE, THEY HAVE TO LOCK UP THE LAUNDRY DETERGENT PODS TO PREVENT PEOPLE FROM EATING THEM.
YOU'RE KILLING THE VIBE.
STUPIDITY ALWAYS WINS!

PIG! HOW YOU BEEN?
GOOD... LONG TIME NO SEE.
YEAH... DON'T BE SUCH A STRANGER.
TAKE CARE, PHIL.
PHILLIP'S HEAD SCREWDRIVER.

DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE COFFEE-MATE IS MISNAMED?
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
WELL, 'COFFEE' IS IN THE NAME, BUT IT'S NOT COFFEE THEY'RE SELLING. IT'S CREAM.
SO WHAT SHOULD IT HAVE BEEN CALLED?
'CREAM MATE.'
I'LL GIVE YOU SOME TIME TO THINK ABOUT THAT.
YOU REALLY BURN ME UP WITH YOUR ATTITUDE.

HEY, SIRI.
I'M LOST AND NEED
DIRECTIONS HOME.
TAKE NAPA STREET TO SECOND STREET AND MAKE A LEFT.
HEY, SIRI...
I'M LOST IN LIFE AND
NEED A DIRECTION.
YOU'RE REALLY ABUSING
THE TECHNOLOGY.
WORTH A TRY.

WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING, PIG?
I LIKE TO GO TO THE LAKE AND SIT UNDER THAT BIG SMILING WILLOW.
THEY'RE CALLED WEEPING WILLOWS.
THIS ONE'S HAD A LOT OF THERAPY.

HEY, RAT, JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT I'M READING A GREAT BOOK. I CAN'T PUT IT DOWN.
IN FACT, ALL I WANT TO DO IS SIT HERE WITH MY TEA AND READ, READ, READ.
SO DON'T TRY TO REACH ME THIS WEEK. I JUST WANT TO HANG OUT WITH MY BOOK.
BOOK-LOVERS ARE AN ODD LOT.

MY DOCTOR SAYS I HAVE TO GET MY GALLBLADDER REMOVED, BUT IT'S REALLY EXPENSIVE AND I DON'T HAVE INSURANCE.
YEAH, WELL, WHAT CHOICE DO YOU HAVE?
CHATGPT... HOW DO I REMOVE MY GALLBLADDER?
THIS MIGHT NOT END WELL.
CHATGPT... WOULD A STEAK KNIFE WORK?

BOB, HERE WE ARE AT THE MACY’S DAY PARADE ENJOYING THE CELEBRATION AND THE BIG BALLOONS.
IN FACT, HERE COMES A NEW BALLOON. IT’S A PIG FROM THE COMIC “PEARLS BEFORE SWINE”.
MY GOODNESS. IT’S A LARGE ONE.
IS IT THE LARGEST ONE YOU'VE SEEN?
SURE IS, BOB.
MATTER OF FACT, I DON’T THINK THEY CAN GET IT THROUGH THE BUILDINGS... WHOA! IT’S STUCK, BOB! IT’S JUST TOO BIG! BIG!
OH GAWD! NOW’S IT’S SINKING TO THE GROUND AND SMOTHERING PEOPLE WITH ITS SHEER GIRTH!
I CALL IT, “HOW I FEEL THE DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING WEEKEND.”
OH, THE HUMANITY.

HI. I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM, BUT THE DOOR IS LOCKED.
THAT'S BECAUSE SOMEONE IS IN THERE.
I SEE. THEN I'LL JUST BEAT DOWN THE DOOR.
SOMETIMES YOU JUST CAN'T WAIT.

GEE, RAT, YOU TAKE A LOT OF SUPPLEMENTS EVERY DAY. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ALL DO FOR YOU?
YES.
PROVIDE ME WITH THE ILLUSION THAT I WON'T DIE AS FAST AS EVERYONE ELSE.
WE DIE WHEN WE DIE.
BUT YOU DO IT QUICKER.

CAN THE CHARACTERS IN 'BABY BLUES' WALK AROUND NUDE?
OF COURSE NOT.
'ZIT'S'? 'BLONDIE'? 'LUANN'?
NO. NOPE. NO WAY.
AND YET HERE WE ARE - NUDE AND UNFILTERED!
YOU'VE LOST YOUR PRIVILEGES.
THIS FEELS UNNECESSARY.
HEY, MY BOX IS BIGGER THAN YOUR BOX.

HEY, RAT, HAVE YOU DONE A WILL OR ANY ESTATE PLANNING FOR WHEN YOU DIE?
WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
TO ALLOCATE WHERE YOU WANT ALL YOUR STUFF TO GO AND HOW YOU WANT THOSE YOU LEAVE BEHIND TO BE PROVIDED FOR.
UNNECESSARY.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE ALL OF LIFE STOPS WHEN I DIE.
LIFE GOES ON WHEN YOU DIE.
SPEAK FOR YOURSELF.

HEY, DID YOU GET THAT JOB YOU INTERVIEWED FOR?
YEAH, IT COMES WITH A STAFF.
YOU GOT AN ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION THAT COMES WITH A STAFF?
I DID.
NOT WHAT THAT USUALLY MEANS.
DON'T MAKE ME HIT YOU WITH MY STAFF.

HEY, WISE ASS, YOU SIT IN THE EXACT SAME PLACE EVERY DAY... WHY DON'T YOU VARY THINGS UP A BIT?
EVERY MORNING YOU EAT THE EXACT SAME BREAKFAST... A BAGEL WITH PEANUT BUTTER, A BANANA, WALNUTS, BLUEBERRIES, ORANGE JUICE, AND DECAF COFFEE... WHY DON'T YOU VARY THAT?
YOU LEAVE MY MORNING ROUTINE OUT OF THIS.
IT GOT PERSONAL.

WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?
SO YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM IN A BAR OR RESTAURANT AND MAKE SURE TO WASH YOUR HANDS.
BUT THEN YOU GO TO LEAVE THE BATHROOM AND YOU HAVE TO TOUCH THE DOOR.
AND YOU KNOW A CERTAIN PERCENTAGE OF THE PEOPLE WHO USED THE BATHROOM DID NOT WASH THEIR HANDS.
SO EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE WASHED, YOU’VE NOW PICKED UP WHATEVER GERMS WERE ON THOSE GUYS’ HANDS.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE SOLUTION TO THAT IS, DON’T YOU?
I DO.
NEVER WASH YOUR HANDS.
I CAN SAY OPEN THE DOOR WITH YOUR FOOT.
EASIER MY WAY.
I’LL NEVER WASH MY HANDS AGAIN!

What's your ETA?
TBD
LMK
ASAP
THX
TTYL
I.W.T.P.Y.I.T.F.
Huh?
I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.
OMG

I WAS STANDING ON THE SUBWAY PLATFORM TODAY WHEN I SAW THIS WOMAN THROUGH THE WINDOW OF ONE OF THE SUBWAY CARS.
AND I CAN'T TELL YOU EXACTLY WHY, BUT I KNEW IN THE DEPTHS OF MY SOUL THAT THIS WAS THE WOMAN I WAS MEANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH.
OH, MY GOODNESS, WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
THE TRAIN DROVE OFF.
IT WILL BE A LONG, LONELY LIFE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'VE WALKED 2.9 MILES TODAY AND I WANT TO GET TO THREE.
WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH IT?
IF YOU SHAKE YOUR PHONE UP AND DOWN, THE PHONE THINKS YOU'RE WALKING AND GIVES YOU CREDIT FOR THE STEPS.
YOU'VE JUST TAUGHT A MILLION PEOPLE HOW TO CHEAT ON THEIR FITNESS GOALS.
I ONCE RAN A MARATHON THIS WAY.