Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, YOU'RE THE YO-YO... HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD, PIG. I'M LONELY AS HECK.
WELL, LET'S LOOK THROUGH THE PERSONALS FOR YOU. HERE'S ONE... SINGLE LADY LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO JUST WANTS TO HAVE A GOOD TIME... NO STRINGS ATTACHED?
YO-YOS HAVE IT HARD.

HOW WAS THAT NEW MOVIE YOU SAW? I HEARD IT'S AMAZING.
IT REALLY WAS.
I JUST HAVE NO WORDS.
THAT ENTIRE SENTENCE WAS COMPOSED OF WORDS!!
I TAKE IT YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT THAT EXPRESSION.
I HAVE NO WORDS.

WELL, FRED, I'M AFRAID I HAVE
SOME BAD NEWS. YOU
HAVE A TOTALLY FATAL
DISEASE. SO WE
HAVE TO ACT FAST!!
AHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHA
FRED! FRED! WHAT
THE HECK ARE
YOU DOING?
I THOUGHT
LAUGHTER
WAS THE BEST
MEDICINE.
NO! FRED! WE HAVE
GOOD TREATMENT
OPTIONS! PILLS!
SURGERIES!
(SIGH). DIDN'T KNOW.
ACK
SOME EXPRESSIONS ARE
SO DARN DANGEROUS.

HEY, PIG, HOW'S YOUR SISTER DOING? IS SHE STILL GETTING READY FOR EASTER?
SHE DYED.
...EGGS YESTERDAY.
DON'T PAUSE AT THAT POINT IN A SENTENCE.
YOU HAVE AN ODD REACTION TO COLORING EGGS.

I HAVE A NEW WAY OF SOLVING DISAGREEMENTS WITH OTHER PEOPLE.
WHAT IS THAT?
I JUST SUGGEST THAT THEY MEET ME HALFWAY.
THAT'S SMART. THAT WAY YOU COMPROMISE.
NO... THEY GO HALFWAY. I DON'T MOVE.
THAT'S NOT A COMPROMISE.
BUT WE'RE HALFWAY THERE.

HEY, PIG, WHAT'S IN THE JAR?
MY UNCLE JUST DIED, AND IT'S TRADITION IN OUR FAMILY TO EACH KEEP SOME OF OUR RELATIVE'S BRAIN.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
WE JUST ENJOY HAVING THE PIECE OF MIND.
NO ONE ENJOYS YOUR COMIC STRIP.

GOAT MADE ME SO MAD LAST WEEK THAT I'M NOW GIVING HIM THE SILENT TREATMENT. I DON'T CALL HIM. I DON'T TEXT HIM. I DON'T VISIT HIM.
WHAT GOOD DOES ALL THAT DO?
HURTS HIM. IMAGINE WHAT HE'S GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW.

THANKS FOR COMING IN FOR THIS JOB INTERVIEW... TELL ME--WHAT ARE YOUR CAREER GOALS?
TO DO THE BARE MINIMUM NECESSARY TO KEEP MY JOB, THEN LOWER THAT AMOUNT EVERY YEAR UNTIL ONE DAY I CAN RETIRE.
NO ONE REWARDS HONESTY.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS. HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND HUMANITY.
OF COURSE, MY SON...ALL PEOPLE CAN BE CLASSIFIED INTO ONE OF FOUR QUADRANTS
WHICH LOOK LIKE THIS...
WE LOVE GROUP (A), TOLERATE GROUP (B) AND PITY GROUP (C).
THAT ALL SOUNDS GOOD. BUT WHAT ABOUT THIS GROUP? (D) THE DUMB AND ARROGANT.
I KNOW WHO'S BEEN RUNNING OUR LIVES.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
HELPING A FRIEND OF MINE. HANG ON.
LISTEN, I KNOW YOU HAVE A SHOW TO DO, BUT BEING SUPER NERVOUS DOESN'T HELP. JUST RELAX AND TAKE A REALLY DEEP BREATH.
AAAAAAUGH
FORGOT HE'S A FIRE BREATHER.

HEY, BURT THE BEAR. HOW GOES IT?
NOT SO GOOD. I HAVE A HEADACHE.
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE SOME ASPIRIN?
I DID. BUT IT HURTS MY STOMACH, SO I TAKE AS LITTLE AS NECESSARY.
THE BAYER BEAR BARE MINIMUM?
AND I GET PAID FOR THIS.

WELL, I SURE HAD A PRODUCTIVE DAY.
TERRIFIC. WHAT DID YOU DO?
SAT AROUND ALL DAY COMPLAINING ABOUT THE BEHAVIOR OF OTHERS.
YOU SHOULD BE SO PROUD.
REALLY, WHAT DID WE DO BEFORE SOCIAL MEDIA?

RAT'S TAKING A COURSE ON 19TH CENTURY AMERICAN HISTORY.
THAT'S GREAT.
IT'S SO IMPORTANT FOR EACH OF US TO LEARN OUR NATION'S HISTORY AND —
I'M TAKING YOUR DONUTS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
GOD WANTS ME TO HAVE THEM. IT'S MY MANIFEST DESTINY.
SOME PEOPLE ARE BEST LEFT IGNORANT.

DID YOU HEAR THEY RENAMED THE GULF OF MEXICO THE 'GULF OF AMERICA'?
YEAH. I'M PRETTY UPSET ABOUT THAT.
YOU ARE?
YEAH. SO I CHANGED THE MAP.
PLACE ABOVE AMERICA
AMERICA
PLACE BELOW AMERICA
YOU'RE UPSET THEY DIDN'T GO FURTHER.
I'M CALLING FRANCE 'PLACE WITH THE OTHER DISNEYLAND.'

HI, CONNIE THE CONJUGAL SHEEP. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I THOUGHT I'D GRAB SOME COFFEE BEFORE SEEING MY HUBBY.
I THOUGHT HE WAS IN PRISON.
HE IS. BUT THEY LET ME VISIT HIM ONCE A MONTH.
CONJUGAL VISITS.
YOU SHOULD BE BEHIND BARS.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, LITTLE PIGGY. I'M THE BIG BAD WOLF. I'M HERE TO HUFF AND PUFF AND BLOW YOUR HOUSE DOWN.
WHAA HAHA HAHA. UM. WE NEED TO DO A HARD RESET HERE.
WHO ARE YOU?
SKIP PASTORUS THE PERSON WHO PREVENTS WHAT HUFFING AND CONDUCT ARE NO LONGER SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE. AND YOUR THREAT IS A TROUBLING MICRO-AGGRESSION FILLED WITH TOXIC MASCULINITY.
MOCCUR, YOU'RE USING ALL OF THE PC SPEAK WITH SUCH LOSS IMPLICIT AND EXPLICIT BIAS BORROWING AN LGBT TWEET.
WHAT DOES ALL THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS YOU'RE BEING CANCELED. YOU WILL BE REMOVED FROM THIS COMIC AND ALL FUTURE EDITIONS OF THE 'THREE LITTLE PIGS.'
CHICKENS! SAVE ME! YOU ARE MY ONLY HOPE!
WHAT YEAR DID YOU THINK THIS WAS?

HEY, PIG. HAVEN'T SEEN YOUR DAD HERE LATELY. WHERE'S HE BEEN?
HALFWAY HOME.
OH, I DIDN'T KNOW. DID HE JUST GET OUT OF PRISON OR A REHAB FACILITY?
HE'S WALKING BACK FROM WORK AND IS HALFWAY HOME.
YOU SHOULD BE IN A FACILITY.

HEY, PIG, HOW'S YOUR DAD BEEN DOING?
OH, YOU DIDN'T HEAR? HE'S BEHIND BARS.
OH, MY GOSH, PIG...I DIDN'T KNOW...WHAT HAPPENED?
HE GOT A JOB AS A BARTENDER.
YOU REALLY OVERREACT TO THINGS.

BEHOLD! MY GRAND BOOK OF PHILOSOPHY THAT I FINALLY WROTE AFTER STUDYING ALL THE PHILOSOPHERS OF THE PAST AND ADDING IN MY OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCES.
CAN I SEE IT?
SURE.
If it feels good, do it.
THAT'S THE WHOLE BOOK.
I THREW IN A DRAWING OF A BEER.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO TODAY?
PROBABLY JUST WALK, READ, WRITE.
SOMETIMES I SEE HOW MUCH TIME YOU SPEND BY YOURSELF AND I FEEL A LITTLE BAD.
I DO, TOO.
NO ONE ELSE GETS TO SPEND TIME WITH SOMEONE AS INTERESTING AND WITTY AS ME.
NOT WHAT I MEANT.
WAIT 'TIL I HEAR THE WITTY THING I SAY NEXT.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, I'M PHIL THE FIX-IT GUY. IF YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING BROKEN, I CAN FIX IT.
I DO. A GIRL SHATTERED MY HEART INTO A THOUSAND PIECES.
FIX-IT GUYS HAVE REAL LIMITATIONS.

WHO YOU TALKING TO, RAT?
BOMBCAST CABLE. I'VE BEEN ON HOLD FOR TWO HOURS.
BOMBCAST CABLE, HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
FINALLY... YEAH... I WANT TO CANCEL CABLE.
MAY I ASK WHY?
BECAUSE YOU CHARGE $200 A MONTH FOR CHANNELS I DON'T WATCH.
AND I FOUND A STREAMING PACKAGE WITH LIVE TV FOR JUST $70. THAT'S A SAVINGS OF $130. SO STICK IT IN YOUR EAR.
WELL NOW, SIR, YOU ALSO PAY $100 A MONTH FOR INTERNET. SHOULD WE CANCEL THAT AS WELL?
WELL, NO. YOU'RE THE ONLY COMPANY IN MY AREA THAT OFFERS IT. AND WITHOUT IT, I CAN'T GET THE STREAMING PACKAGE.
ONE THAT SAVES YOU $130 A MONTH?
RIGHT. I...
YOU'RE NOW GONNA CHARGE ME $230 A MONTH FOR INTERNET, AREN'T YOU?
YOU BET YOUR SWEET, TINY RAT FACE WE ARE. AND WHO'S YOUR DADDY NOW.
CABLE COMPANIES HAVE TOO MUCH POWER.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT BLOWING A BUNCH OF CASH AT THIS PATIO BAR TODAY, BUT NOW I'M THINKING THAT MAYBE I SHOULDN'T.
YEAH, LIKE THEY SAY, SAVE THAT CASH FOR A RAINY DAY.
SO SAVE THAT CASH FOR A MISERABLE WEATHER DAY WHEN I CAN'T GO DRINK AT A PATIO BAR, MUCH LESS DO HALF THE THINGS I ENJOY DOING IN LIFE?
IT IS AN ODD SAYING.
THE WORLD'S LEAST HELPFUL.

HI, GUYS... I DON'T WANT TO BRAG OR ANYTHING, BUT I THINK I HAVE A LOT OF RIZZ.
WHAT'S THAT?
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S A NEW WORD THAT THE HIP KIDS ARE USING. IT'S SHORT FOR "CHARISMA."
THAT'S WHAT THAT MEANS?
YEAH, BUT WHAT IT ALSO MEANS IS THAT BY APPEARING IN THIS COMIC STRIP, IT IS OFFICIALLY NO LONGER HIP.
YOU THROWING SHADE ON MY RIZZ?
PLEASE STOP KILLING OUR MODERN LEXICON.

I'VE FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY.
AND WHAT IS THAT?
HALF THE COUNTRY WANTS CONVERSATIONS THAT COME WITH TRIGGER WARNINGS, AND THE OTHER HALF WANTS THINGS THAT COME WITH TRIGGERS.
IT CONCERNS ME WHEN YOUR RAMBLINGS MAKE SENSE.
I'M THE PROPHET OF THE COMICS PAGE.