Pearls Before Swine | Search

THANKS FOR GOING ON THIS DATE WITH ME, SARA.
SURE, PIG. I ASSUME BY NOW YOU'VE LOOKED UP MY PROFILE AND STUFF ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
NO... THAT'S A BIT OF A CREEPY THING TO DO.
IT'S OKAY IF YOU DID. NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING CURIOUS.
ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I LOOKED UP YOUR EMPLOYMENT AND SAW THAT YOU'RE A CHEESEMONGER AND I'M JUST DATING YOU FOR THE CHEESE!!!
I HAVE A KINK FOR CHEESE.

DO YOU THINK PEOPLE CAN FLY?
NO, PIG, OF COURSE NOT.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE I'M A CRITICAL THINKER, AND I BELIEVE IN SCIENCE. AND WHEN IT COMES TO EXPLANATIONS, I LOOK FOR THE RATIONAL.
I LOOK FOR THE MAGICAL.
IT DOES HAVE ITS ADVANTAGES.

CHECK OUT THESE JOKES I WROTE.
I THINK I HEARD A STAND-UP COMIC SAY THIS ONE.
OH, YEAH, IT'S AN HOMAGE.
WHEN IS SOMETHING AN HOMAGE AND NOT JUST JOKE-STEALING?
WHEN YOU CALL IT AN HOMAGE.
I LEARNED SO MUCH FROM THAT GUY.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, SHARE SOME OF YOUR IMMENSE WISDOM WITH ME.
NOTHING IN LIFE IS EVER AS GOOD AS IT SEEMS.
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, ONE DAY YOU'RE ENJOYING A TASTY HANDFUL OF JELLY BEANS WHEN--WHAM--YOU BITE INTO A BUTTERED POPCORN ONE AND SUDDENLY YOUR WHOLE DAY IS RUINED.
I ACTUALLY LIKE THE BUTTERED POPCORN ONES.
WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS.

I'VE JUST COME UP WITH THE SOLUTION TO ALL OUR NATION'S PROBLEMS.
IT'S A DRAWING OF AN ALLEY.
YEP.
WHAT'S AN ALLEY SUPPOSED TO DO?
THAT'S WHERE WE'RE GONNA SHOVE ALL THE PEOPLE FROM THE FAR LEFT AND THE FAR RIGHT AND LET THEM FIGHT IT OUT WITH STICKS SO THE REST OF US CAN GO BACK TO LIVING OUR LIVES IN PEACE.
WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER ALLEY.
AND HERE ARE THE REST OF US IN NORMALTOPIA.

Kind
Thoughtful
Smart
Caring
Well-read
Funny
Loving
Sweet
WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, GOAT?
A LIST OF ALL THE QUALITIES I LOOK FOR IN A POTENTIAL MATE. YOU SHOULD TRY MAKING ONE YOURSELF.
Desperate
IT'S THE ONLY CHANCE I'VE GOT.

HEY, WISE ASS, WHY AREN'T YOU ON YOUR HILL?
THERE IS NO PAST. THERE IS NO FUTURE. THERE IS ONLY THE PRESENT MOMENT. AND WE DON'T KNOW HOW MANY OF THEM WE HAVE LEFT. SO HUG YOUR LOVED ONES AND DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO CELEBRATE THE MOMENT THAT YOU'RE IN.
SOME WISDOM CAN'T WAIT.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?
A PIE CHART SHOWING ALL THE VARIOUS PARTS OF MY PERSONALITY. HELPS ME TO KEEP THINGS IN BALANCE.
CAN I SEE IT?
SURE.
I THINK I SEE AN ISSUE.
NOT ENOUGH EGO?

TODAY IN THE NEWS...
AH HECK, I CAN SEE FROM
LOOKING AT YOU THAT YOU
CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS.
ALL THE BAD STUFF HAPPENING
HAS JUST WORN YOU OUT, SO LET
ME MODIFY TONIGHT'S NEWS...
TODAY EVERYONE GOT A
BALLOON AND WAS HAPPY.
I
NEEDED
THAT.
YOU'RE
WELCOME.

HOW COME WHEN YOU'RE OLD YOU CAN ONLY REMEMBER CERTAIN THINGS IF YOU STOP TRYING TO REMEMBER AND THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE?
WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?
BECAUSE YOU'RE VERY, VERY OLD.
ACTUALLY, I'M NOT.
AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT'S LIKE. AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE.
WHAT'S THAT?
FORGOT WHERE I WAS GOING WITH THAT.
OLD FOLKS' HOME: I'D LIKE TO MAKE A RESERVATION.

WISE-ASS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED HOW MANY PEOPLE JUST SIT AROUND DOING NOTHING?
I HAVE.
SO IF THEIR TIME'S NOT THAT PRECIOUS, WHY ARE THEY ALL TAILGATING ME ON THE FREEWAY?
SOME QUESTIONS I CAN'T ANSWER.
WHAT ARE THEY IN A HURRY TO DO?

HEY, PIG. WHATCHA WRITING?
A PAPER FOR MY BIOLOGY CLASS. I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THE LIFE EXPECTANCY OF A WOMAN.
THAT WE WILL BE PAID LESS FOR EQUAL WORK AND OFTEN BE SPOKEN DOWN TO BY MEN.
I JUST MEANT AN AGE.
AT EVERY AGE.

EVERYTHING'S GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET IN THIS WORLD
INSTEAD OF ALWAYS COMPLAINING, WHY DON'T YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT? LIKE PIG.
WHAT'S HE DOING
LET'S HUG THIS OUT, PEOPLE
DOES THAT REALLY COUNT?
OKAY, MAYBE NOT THAT.

I CAN'T DECIDE WHICH AIRLINE WE SHOULD FLY TO WASHINGTON, D.C.
OH, LOOK, WE HAVE AT LEAST TEN OPTIONS!
HOW MANY FLAVORS DO I HAVE TO CHOOSE FROM?
THIRTY-ONE!
PICK WHICHEVER ONE YOU LIKE!
YEAH, I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT COLOR TO PAINT MY LIVING ROOM.
SURE, WE HAVE HUNDREDS TO CHOOSE FROM!
HI, I'M TRYING TO SEE IF YOUR CABLE SYSTEM IS RIGHT FOR ME. HOW MANY CHANNELS DO YOU HAVE?
GOOD NEWS! WE HAVE OVER A THOUSAND!
I'M TRYING TO DECIDE WHO I SHOULD VOTE FOR TO BE THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD.
YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES.
TWO.
I CALL IT "WHERE HAS ALL THE DEMOCRACY GONE?"
LONG TIME PASSING.
IT MAKES VOTING SO EASY!

WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
GETTING A DISABLED PARKING PLACARD.
WHAT'S YOUR DISABILITY?
I'M DUMB AS ROCKS.
I GUESS THAT COUNTS.

Dear Registrar of Voters...
I would like to register to vote.
But as you may know, I am at least 100 times smarter than the average idiot.
As such, please make my vote count 100 times theirs.
THIS FEELS FAIR.

WHAT IS PRICE FIXING?
WHEN COMPETITORS IN A GIVEN INDUSTRY GET TOGETHER AND AGREE TO SET PRICES AT FIXED LEVELS. BUT IT'S ILLEGAL AND THE GOVERNMENT WILL PROSECUTE IT.
ALL THE GAS STATIONS WITHIN TEN MILES OF ME SELL GAS AT ALMOST THE EXACT SAME PRICE.
SOME MYSTERIES CAN NEVER BE SOLVED.
IS THE SOLUTION
'WE JUST ALWAYS GET SCREWED'?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, NEIGHBOR BOB?
CHECKING MY LIST OF ALL THE BOOKS I'VE READ THIS YEAR...SO FAR I HAVE 175.
HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
I LISTEN TO BOOKS ON TAPE DURING MY COMMUTE.
THAT DOESN'T COUNT.
BOOK LOVERS ARE A STRANGE BREED.
ONLY A BOOK IS A BOOK.

WE NEED TO FIX EVERYTHING THAT'S WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY!
YEAH, I AGREE, SO I SKETCHED OUT THIS POSSIBLE SOLUTION TO SOME OF OUR PROBLEMS.
YEAH, THIS LOOKS LIKE IT COULD WORK. DOES MY SIDE WIN?
THIS ISN'T ABOUT WHAT POLITICAL PARTY WINS. IT'S ABOUT SOLVING REAL PROBLEMS.
SO YOU'VE WASTED EVERYONE'S TIME?
WHAT AM I MISSING HERE?
WE WANT VICTORIES, NOT SOLUTIONS!

ACME INVESTMENT BANK. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
HI, THIS IS PIG. I'M CALL- ING TO SEE HOW MY RETIREMENT PLANNING IS COMING ALONG.
YOU'VE SAVED NO MONEY AND WILL BE WORKING TIL THE DAY YOU DIE.
IT'S NICE TO BE UPDATED.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THE GOVERNMENT APPROVED THIS DRUG? THE AGENCY INCLUDED SAID IT HAS PERFECTLY SAFE FOR
IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A FIX, NO MORE CASH IN POLITICS.
ANYHOW, THESE POLITICIANS CAN STILL SOMEHOW FIND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO WASTE ON
I DON'T WANT TO HURT THE VIBE... BUT BIG DONATIONS ARE JUST BRIBES.
AS I WAS SAYING, POLITICIANS ARE THE WORST. THEY CAN'T EVEN PASS LAWS THAT NINETY PERCENT OF AMERICANS AGREE
IF YOU WANT ALL THESE PROBLEMS CORRECTED... THE ANSWER'S PUBLICLY FINANCED ELECTIONS...
THEY'RE TRYING TO HAVE A SERIOUS DISCUSSION ABOUT PROBLEMS THAT CONCERN THIS COUNTRY!!
NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR MY SONG.

WELL, PIG, I'M OFF TO DO SOME MOUNTAINEERING, BUT I NEED TO GO SHOPPING FIRST.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO BUY?
I REALLY NEED SOME CRAMPONS.
I'M NOT COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT FEMININE ISSUES.
SOME THINGS I DON'T NEED TO KNOW.

FOR TODAY'S MIDTERM, I'D LIKE EACH OF YOU TO DISCUSS WHAT EFFECT YOU THINK CLOSED-MINDEDNESS IS HAVING IN THIS COUNTRY.
Fashion is nice, but being too clothes-minded is bad.
THIS IS WHY I'VE SPENT HALF MY TEACHING CAREER DREAMING OF RETIREMENT.

OH, WISE ASS, WHEN A MAGICIAN MAKES HIMSELF DISAPPEAR, IS HE REALLY GONE?
NO, PIG. HE'S JUST SOMEWHERE ELSE THAT YOU CAN'T SEE.
SO IT'S SORT OF LIKE WHEN SOMEONE YOU LOVE DIES. IT MIGHT LOOK LIKE THEY'RE GONE BUT REALLY THEY'RE JUST SOMEWHERE ELSE, LIKE IN YOUR HEART.
AND THAT'S ITS OWN FORM OF MAGIC.
SOMETIMES THERE'S NOTHING I CAN ADD.

DID YOU HEAR PIG'S MOM CHANGED THE LAST NAME SHE WAS BORN WITH? HER LAST NAME IS NOW I'MCOMMITTINGBANKFRAUD.
WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?
SHE DOESN'T LIKE HER SON.
WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
THANKS FOR CALLING ACME BANK... FOR VERIFICATION PURPOSES, WHAT'S YOUR MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME?
NEVER MIND.