Pearls Before Swine | Search

The Plusses and Minuses of Dogs
Plusses
Friendly
Loyal
Cute
Loving
Cuddly
Fun
Never Complain
Protective
Minuses
When they die, they rip your heart out worse than it's ever been ripped out before.
IT'S WORTH IT.

OKAY, LITTLE LEMMINGS, IN A WORLD OF DISINFORMATION, IT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN EVER TO THINK FOR YOURSELF BEFORE DETERMINING YOUR BEST COURSE OF ACTION.
I THINK IT'S BEST TO PANIC AND JUMP OFF A CLIFF.
I THINK THAT TOO!
I THINK THAT TOO!
I THINK THAT TOO!
THINKING MAY BE A CHALLENGE.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, TELL ME THE SECRET TO BEING HAPPY.
FIRST, MAKE A LIST DETAILING EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOUR PROBLEMS.
OKAY. THEN WHAT?
RUN FROM THEM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
GONNA LEARN TO COOK WITH NEIGHBOR NANCY... I’M BRINGING A PAD OF PAPER TO WRITE DOWN EACH SPECIFIC STEP AND THE EXACT MEASUREMENTS.
OKAY, NEIGHBOR NANCY, I’M READY.
GREAT. WE’LL START WITH A DOLLOP OF OIL AND A DASH OR RED PEPPER FLAKES.
THEN ADD A SMIDGEN OF CUMIN, A PINCH OF OREGANO, AND A HINT OF LIME. MIX UNTIL JUST COMBINED. ADD SALT TO TASTE.
HOW MUCH SALT IS THAT?
WHATEVER AMOUNT YOU LIKE. THEN COOK ‘TIL DONE.
HOW DO I KNOW WHEN IT’S DONE?
JUST EYE IT.
I LEARNED NOTHING.

UH, NO.
NO.
NONE.
NO, I DO NOT BELIEVE IN THE DEEP STATE.

WHYS THAT LETTER ON JOHN DEERE TRACTOR STATIONERY?
MY GIRLFRIEND WORKS THERE. SHE'S WRITING TO SAY SHE'S BREAKING UP WITH ME.
OH, DEAR, YOU GOT A DEAR JOHN LETTER?
A JOHN DEERE.
A JOHN DEERE DEAR JOHN, DEAR?
I WOULD LIKE TO BREAK UP WITH THIS COMIC STRIP.

HEY, RAT, WE'VE GOT A BIG GOPHER IN OUR FRONT YARD.
HIT HIM WITH A SHOVEL OR SOMETHING. HE'LL RUIN THE LAWN.
I FEEL LIKE THAT WOULD BE A MISTAKE.

Extinct due to human exploitation
Extinct due to habitat destruction
Extinct due to moody billionaire
THAT LAST ONE SEEMED PREVENTABLE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS YOUR BIGGEST SKILL IN THE WORKPLACE?
I'M A GOOD PROBLEM-SOLVER. WHAT ABOUT YOU?
I'M A GOOD PROBLEM-CAUSER.
NOT A LOT OF PLACES HIRING FOR THAT.
NO, BUT I FREELANCE QUITE A BIT.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
HAPPY PILLS FROM DR. DO-BETTER. YOU TAKE JUST ONE A DAY AND HAPPINESS IS YOURS.
BEST TO NOT TAKE ANY CHANCES.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I GOT A JOB AS A POSITIVITY THERAPIST.
PEOPLE WRITE TO TELL ME ABOUT THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED IN THEIR LIFE THAT AREN’T VERY GOOD, AND I TRY TO REFRAME IT AS A POSITIVE.
WELL, THAT’S NICE. CAN I SEE ONE?
SURE.
Dear Dr. Pig,
I recently lost my home in a fire and now my cat is gone.
GEE, THAT’S SAD. WHAT'D YOU TELL THEM?
THIS.
NO MORE MOPPING FOR YOU!
SHE DIDN'T EVEN THANK ME.

Dear everyone everywhere who's always arguing...
Relax and eat some cheese.
WE'RE GONNA NEED A LOTTA CHEESE.

OKAY, LEMMINGS. I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS, BUT BEFORE I TELL YOU WHAT IT IS, I NEED YOU TO PROMISE YOU WON'T PANIC, BUT INSTEAD WILL HELP US PUT OUR HEADS TOGETHER AND COME UP WITH A SOLUTION.
OKAY
OKAY
OKAY
TURNS OUT THE CLIMATE IS CHANGING FASTER THAN WE THOUGHT. BIG FIRES ARE MORE FREQUENT, AS ARE HURRICANES AND COASTAL FLOODING.
I DON'T THINK THEY'LL BE PART OF THE SOLUTION.

Hi, me Larry da Croc...
You reject my applica-
shun for hunting rifle
kill Zeeba!
Me want know why.
LARRY DA CROC... LARRY DA
CROC... AH, YES, HERE'S YOUR
APPLICATION... IT APPEARS YOUR
ANSWER TO THE FIRST QUESTION
WAS DEEMED UNSATISFACTORY.
Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
No, but me can try harder.
You guys real nitpickers.
HAVE YOU THOUGHT
ABOUT FIGHTING
WITH STICKS
AND STONES?

BUS STOP TO ANYWHERE
BUS STOP TO ANYWHERE
I DON'T UNDERSTAND, SIR. HOW CAN YOU TAKE A BUS AND NOT KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING?
BECAUSE LIFE IS ALL ABOUT THE JOURNEY.
I HAVE SO MUCH TO LEARN.
BUS STOP TO ANYWHERE

WHAT'S GOAT DOING?
HE'S ON A ZOOM CALL FOR WORK.
WHY DON'T WE PUT A PIN IN THAT AND PUT IT IN THE PARKING LOT FOR NOW AND THEN WE CAN CIRCLE BACK.
I'LL CO-SIGN THAT.
LET'S JUST KEEP IT TOP OF MIND.
MY GOD, YOU SOUND LIKE MORONS.
GOAT WOULD PREFER THAT HIS WORK CALLS NOT BE INTERRUPTED.

BUS STOP
HEY THERE, PIG… WHERE YOU HEADED?
ANYWHERE BUT HERE!
I THINK HE'S ON TO SOMETHING.

MARCH, 2020
BOOHOO BOOHOO...
BECAUSE OF THIS PANDEMIC, I CAN NO LONGER BE WITH OTHER PEOPLE!
DOG: WOOF!
I DO.
I KNOW WHAT I'LL DO.
I'LL GET A DOG, BECAUSE IF YOU CAN'T BE WITH PEOPLE, A DOG IS SECOND BEST!!
SOME TIME IN 2022
AFTER TWO YEARS OF LOCKDOWNS, IT APPEARS THE PANDEMIC NUMBERS ARE FINALLY COMING DOWN.
THE PANDEMIC IS OVER! THE PANDEMIC IS OVER! WE CAN FINALLY HANG OUT WITH OTHER PEOPLE!
IT'S JUST ME AND YOU FOREVER, DOGSO.
AND HE NEVER MISSED THE LOCKDOWN-RELATED UPDATES AGAIN.
NOW HOW DO YOU MAKE SURE THAT THE FOUR-LEGGED ONES LIVE FOREVER?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IF YOU WANT TO GET ALONG WELL WITH OTHERS.
NEVER GIVE UNSOLICITED ADVICE.
ISN'T THAT UNSOLICITED ADVICE?
ALSO, NEVER QUESTION YOUR FRIENDS.

SO I'M WALKING ON THIS NICE PAVED PATH ALONGSIDE A CREEK AND IT WAS PEACEFUL AND RELAXING AND I WAS ENJOYING THE SOLITUDE.
THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN I'M STARTLED BY THIS GUY YELLING 'ON YOUR LEFT!' AS HE WHIZZED PAST ME ON HIS BIKE WHICH RAISES A QUESTION...
ARE CYCLISTS A PUNISHMENT FROM GOD?
YOU'RE GONNA GET EMAIL.
BRING ON THOSE LYCRA LOONS!

FORGIVE ME, FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED.
WHAT ARE YOUR SINS, MY SON?
I'VE LET THE IDIOTS GET TO ME, INSTEAD OF JUST ACCEPTING THEM FOR THE STUPID MORONS THAT THEY ARE.
I WAS NOT FORGIVEN.

My permit for rifle to hunt zeeba is get rejected.
Why dey reject you?
Question ask if me mentally in competition wid anyone. And me mentally in competition wid Zeeba, so me tell truth.
Are you mentally incompetent?
Yes!
Mebbe govmint no like competition,
Problee bunch of communiss.

HEY, ARCHITECT AL, WHATCHA WORKING ON?
DESIGN FOR THE RESTORATION OF THIS SPANISH MISSION.
THE OLD ONE WAS DARK AND DANK, SO MY BOSS IS TAKING THE POSITION THAT WE NEED TO MAKE THE MISSION AIRY.
DO YOU LIKE HER MISSION AIRY POSITION?
COMIC STRIP OVER.
YOU DON'T LIKE RESTORING MISSIONS?
YEAH, IT WELCOMES ALL KINDS OF SECTS.

I'VE HAD THE WORST LUCK LATELY.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY... IF LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, MAKE LEMONADE.
DOES LIFE GIVE YOU THE SUGAR AND WATER IN THAT SAYING?
WELL, NO.
SO YOU'VE JUST GIVEN ME A RECIPE FOR THE WORST LEMONADE EVER.
I'VE GOTTA THINK THROUGH THESE THINGS.

WISE PIG IS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, OUR NATION SEEMS TO BE HAVING SOME REALLY BIG PROBLEMS. IS THERE NOTHING WE CAN DO?
WELL, THE FIRST THING IS TO STOP THINKING LIKE THAT. YOU'RE NOT THE FIRST GENERATION TO ENCOUNTER HARD TIMES.
SO INSTEAD OF BEING DISTRUGHT AND ANGRY, FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU CAN DO TO MAKE OUR COUNTRY A BETTER PLACE.
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, YOU'VE BEEN A TREMENDOUS HELP! THANK YOU, THANK--
WHY YOU STANDING?
'CAUSE I'M GETTING OUT WHILE THE GETTING'S GOOD.
SO LONG, SUCKERS.
WE'RE GONNA NEED PARACHUTES.