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HEY, RAT.
WHAT DO YOU NEED, NEIGHBOR BOB?
TO GIVE YOU THIS LIST OF SUBJECTS I'M SENSITIVE ABOUT.
WHAT FOR?
SO THAT YOU CAN BE AWARE OF MY SENSITIVITIES AND SAY THE PHRASE 'TRIGGER WARNING' BEFORE BRINGING ANY OF THEM UP IN CONVERSATION.
I CAN DO THAT.
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I'M SENSITIVE TO THE VIOLENT AND GUN-RELATED NATURE OF THE WORD 'TRIGGER' AND THUS I'M TRIGGERED EVERY TIME YOU SAY THE WORD 'TRIGGER'.
NEIGHBOR BOB AND I CAN NO LONGER CONVERSE.

HEY, LOOK AT YOU READING A REGULAR OLD BOOK.
YEAH, I DON'T JUST STARE AT MY PHONE AND IPAD ALL DAY. I READ REGULAR BOOKS TOO.
DID YOU JUST SPREAD YOUR FINGERS TO TRY AND EXPAND THAT PHOTO?
IT'S A VERY HARD HABIT TO BREAK!

OKAY, RAT, WE'VE DECIDED THAT WE WANT OUR BARISTAS TO GREET OUR CUSTOMERS WITH A NICE, "HELLO, HOW'S YOUR DAY GOING?"
HELLO. HOW'S YOUR DAY GOING?
OKAY. AND YOURS?
NOT SO GOOD. I'M BEING FORCED BY MY NEED FOR A PAYCHECK TO ENGAGE IN MINDLESS BANTER WITH ANY LUNKHEAD I MEET. THANKS FOR ASKING.
MAYBE JUST SAY, "FINE."
SORRY YOU HAD TO LEAVE SO SOON!

WELL, I JUST INTERVIEWED FOR A HIGH-PAYING JOB I'M REALLY HOPING I GET.
WANT ME TO SAY A PRAYER?
SURE.
DEAR GOD, PLEASE DON'T LET GOAT GET THIS JOB AND BECOME MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN ME.
A PRAYER FOR ME.
TOO LATE.

HEY, WHAT WAS THAT BILLY JOEL SONG ABOUT VIETNAM?
OH YEAH, THAT WAS CALLED, UH, DARN... HANG ON... I'LL THINK OF IT WHEN I MAKE MYSELF STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE OLD WHEN YOU HAVE TO SNEAK UP ON YOUR OWN BRAIN.
"GOODNIGHT SAIGON!" I'M ON TO THE NEXT "OLD GUY" TEST.

I FEAR WHAT COMES NEXT.
WHY DO PEOPLE BOTHER BUYING BOOKS IF NO ONE'S READING THEM?

HEY, RAT, WOULD YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A REALIST OR A DREAMER?
I'D SAY A REALIST. BUT HOW DO YOU DEFINE THE WORD?
SOMEONE SAD AND BORING WHO MISSES OUT ON HALF THE JOY AND WONDER IN LIFE!
I THINK YOU WERE JUST DISSED.
YOU'RE IN FOR A WORLD OF DISAPPOINTMENT!

PHASES OF NOT GETTING A REPLY TEXT.
ONE MINUTE AFTER SENDING INITIAL TEXT: DISAPPOINTMENT.
TEN MINUTES LATER: FIGURING IT OUT.
THIRTY MINUTES LATER: SPECULATION.
THIRTY-ONE MINUTES LATER: EPIPHANY.
ONE HOUR LATER: STARTING TO WORRY.
THREE HOURS LATER: THINKING ABOUT RESENDING TEXT BUT WORRYING THAT IT WILL LOOK TOO NEEDY.
THREE AND A HALF HOURS LATER: DOING IT ANYWAY.
THREE HOURS AND THIRTY-ONE SECONDS LATER: REGRET THAT TEXT VERY MUCH.
THREE HOURS AND THIRTY-FIVE SECONDS LATER: RE-READING YOUR TEXT ONE MORE TIME TO MAKE SURE YOU SENT IT TO THE RIGHT PERSON.
FOUR HOURS AND SEVEN SECONDS LATER: REALIZING THAT YOU NEVER ERASED ANY OLD TEXTS FROM YOUR PHONE AND MANY OTHERS HAVE HAD THEIR NUMBER.
FIVE HOURS AND FOUR SECONDS LATER: RE-READING YOUR TEXT TO MAKE SURE IT SAYS EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT IT TO SAY.
SEVEN AND A HALF HOURS LATER: BARGAINING.
EIGHT HOURS LATER: DESPAIR.
TEN HOURS LATER: ENVISIONING THE FUNERAL.
EIGHT AND A HALF HOURS LATER: REALIZING YOU CAN STILL ERASE IT BEFORE THEY GET IT.
TWELVE HOURS

hey, rat, i read your résumé like you asked, and it's not good. you exaggerate too much.
everyone pads their résumé a little.
not like you.
what are you talking about?
Knighted by the Pope for inventing the internet.
rings false.
you calling the Pope a liar?

HEY, PAT, ONE OF THE NEW THINGS WE WANT TO WORK ON AT THE CAFE IS HOW WE GREET EACH CUSTOMER... SO LET ME TAKE A LOOK AT HOW YOU DO IT.
HI, PERSON-WHO-INTERRUPTED-THE-TIME-I’D-OTHERWISE-BE-SPENDING-LOOKING-AT-INSTAGRAM-ON-MY-PHONE. SURELY THERE’S SOMEWHERE ELSE YOU COULD GO FOR YOUR G*#% COFFEE.
I THINK WE SHOULD WORK ON THAT.
AND WHY DON'T YOU TRY COMBING YOUR HAIR?

WATCHING THE NEIGHBORHOOD TRAFFIC GO BY TWENTY YEARS AGO...
There goes Neighbor Bob. There goes Neighbor Nancy. There goes Neighbor Fred. There goes Neighbor Eleanor.
WATCHING THE NEIGHBORHOOD TRAFFIC GO BY NOW...
AMAZON TRUCK, AMAZON TRUCK, AMAZON TRUCK...
ONLY SUCKERS LEAVE HOME NOW.
YOU LEFT OUT THE FED EX GUY.

HI, I'M SKIP RIGHTEOUS, THE PERSON WHO DECIDES WHAT WORDS ARE SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE. HERE TO TELL YOU THAT THE TERM "JUNK DRAWER" IS BOTH TRAGICALLY DEROGATORY AND DEHUMANIZING.
SO GOING FORWARD, THAT DRAWER IN YOUR HOUSE WILL NOW BE REFERRED TO AS THE "DRAWER OF LOVING SOULS WHO HAVE NOT YET FOUND THEIR SPECIAL PURPOSE IN LIFE." HERE, WATCH...
I GOT SOME CORD THINGIE, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT GOES TO.
TOSS IT IN THE DRAWER OF LOVING SOULS WHO HAVE NOT YET FOUND THEIR SPECIAL PURPOSE IN LIFE.
SEE HOW THAT WORKS?
OH, YOU MEAN THE JUNK DRAWER?

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, I'M A REPORTER FOR AN ONLINE PUBLICATION AND I UNDERSTAND THAT YESTERDAY YOU USED THE "J" WORD.
I USED THE "J" WORD?
YES. IN REFERENCE TO THE DRAWER IN YOUR HOUSE FILLED WITH LOVING SOULS WHO HAVE NOT YET FOUND THEIR SPECIAL PURPOSE IN LIFE.
OH, YOU MEAN THE JUNK DRAWER.
WE'VE BEEN CANCELED.

HEY, IT'S A KEY. WHAT ARE YOU A KEY TO, LITTLE KEY?
NO ONE KNOWS. THAT'S WHY YOU STUCK ME IN THE JUNK DRAWER.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT DOES TO SOMEONE'S CONFIDENCE TO BE CALLED "JUNK"?
WHAT SHOULD WE CALL YOU INSTEAD?
FROM NOW ON WE'RE "LOVING SOULS WHO HAVE NOT YET FOUND THEIR SPECIAL PURPOSE IN LIFE".
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS HAS GONE TOO FAR.
THAT'S A LONG NAME FOR JUNK.

THIS GUY ON SOCIAL MEDIA'S BEEN MAKING MY LIFE A REAL STRUGGLE.
WHO'S THE GUY?
ED SCHLABINSKY. THIS GUY DOWN THE BLOCK. HE MAKES FUN OF WHATEVER I POST.
POST SOMETHING ABOUT HIM.
NO WAY. HE'LL JUST POST EVEN MORE MEAN COMMENTS.
I HAVE AN IDEA.
WHAT'S THAT?
PUT UP A LITTLE BOOTH ON THE CORNER AND TELL PEOPLE ABOUT THE PAIN HE'S CAUSING YOU.
YOU MEAN WHAT A STRUGGLE HE'S MADE MY LIFE?
EXACTLY.
I'LL DO IT!
I'M STRUGGLING WITH ED
THERE ARE LITTLE BLUE PILLS FOR THAT.
FOR DEALING WITH ED SCHLABINSKY?

DOCTOR, SOME PEOPLE WERE SAYING YOU MIGHT NOT BE THE MOST QUALIFIED PERSON TO HELP WITH MY DEPRESSION ISSUES.
NONSENSE. I'VE BEEN A MEDICAL DOCTOR FOR YEARS. LET ME GIVE YOU ONE OF THESE.
WHAT IS IT?
A PRESCRIPTION FOR DONUTS.
I'LL NEVER DOUBT HIM AGAIN.

WISE ASS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS...WHAT'S YOUR ONE SINGLE PIECE OF ADVICE THAT CAN BEST TURN A LIFE AROUND?
THAT THOSE WHO CLIMB UP A MOUNTAIN SEEKING ONE PIECE OF ADVICE TO TURN THEIR LIFE AROUND ARE PROBABLY NEVER GONNA TURN THEIR LIFE AROUND.
AT LEAST I GOT IN SOME GOOD CARDIO.

HEY, PIG. I PROOF-READ YOUR STORY LIKE YOU ASKED AND I HAVE A COUPLE QUESTIONS.
FIRE AWAY.
ARE YOU AWARE OF THE EXPRESSIONS "THE HORSE HAS LEFT THE BARN" AND "YOU CAN'T PUT THE TOOTHPASTE BACK IN THE TUBE"?
YEAH, WHY?
BECAUSE THERE'S NO SUCH EXPRESSION AS "YOU CAN'T PUT THE HORSE BACK IN THE TOOTHPASTE."
I SOMETIMES MIX METAPHORS.
YOU DON'T SAY.

I HEARD THE GREATEST COUNTRY MUSIC SONG AT A BAR LAST NIGHT, BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER THE TITLE.
TELL ME WHAT IT'S ABOUT, AND I'LL GOOGLE IT.
IT'S ABOUT THIS GUY WITH A PICKUP TRUCK AND A CHEATING SPOUSE.
OH, GOOD... YOU'VE NARROWED IT DOWN TO NINE MILLION SONGS.
OH, AND SOMEBODY DROWNS THEIR SORROWS.
SOMEHOW THAT DIDN'T HELP.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, I JUST VOTED IN THE BOOTH OVER THERE, AND IN THE BOOTH NEXT TO MINE WAS A GUY I KNOW WHO IS VERY, VERY STUPID.
SO?
SO I'M JUST CONFIRMING THAT HIS VOTE DOESN'T COUNT THE SAME AS MINE.
I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS ABOUT OUR DEMOCRACY.

HI, MY NAME IS RON. I'M RUNNING FOR OFFICE.
YOU ARE?
YES. I'M A CANDIDATE.
INTERESTING WORD AS YOU PEOPLE ARE NEVER CANDID AND ARE THE LAST PEOPLE I'D DATE.
WE DO NEED A NEW WORD.
IS "OPPORTUNISTIC WEASEL" ONE WORD OR TWO?

WELL, RAT, I GOT BACK THE RESULTS OF YOUR PHYSICAL, AND WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO MAKE CHANGES TO YOUR DIET.
OKAY, MIND IF I ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT THAT?
SURE.
IS IT POSSIBLE THAT A DIET OF RED MEAT IS BAD FOR YOU?
YES.
IS IT POSSIBLE THAT A DIET OF RED MEAT IS GOOD FOR YOU?
YES.
IS IT POSSIBLE THAT A DIET OF CARBS IS GOOD FOR YOU?
YES.
IS IT POSSIBLE THAT A DIET OF CARBS IS BAD FOR YOU?
YES.
IS IT POSSIBLE THAT...
...NONE OF US KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING AND YOU SHOULD ALL JUST ENJOY YOUR LIVES?
YES!
THEN HE TOOK ME OUT FOR FRIED CHICKEN AND DONUTS.

WHY ARE WE ON A CLOUD?
OUR CARTOONIST, STEPHAN PASTIS, ALWAYS DRAWS US BEHIND A WALL OR AT A DINER, AND HE NEEDED A NEW BACKGROUND.
BUT WHY A CLOUD? ARE WE DEAD?
NO.
IT'S ONE OF THE FEW THINGS HE CAN DRAW...
YOU SAD, LITTLE FRAUD.
MAYBE YOU BEING DEAD IS A GOOD IDEA.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, AFTER MUCH SOUL-SEARCHING, I'VE MADE A LIST OF THE THREE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE. BUT I'D LIKE YOUR INPUT.
FIRST, LOVE.
SECOND, MERCY.
THIRD, FORGIVENESS.
THESE ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS.
THOUGHT THERE'D BE MORE OVERLAP.

TRICK OR TREAT, NEIGHBOR BOB!
HEY, RAT. WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?
WHO DO YOU THINK?
I ASSUME THAT GUY FROM THE EDVARD MUNCH PAINTING, "THE SCREAM."
NO. YOU IF YOUR CANDIDATE DOESN'T WIN THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
HE CRIED AND TURNED OFF THE PORCHLIGHT.