Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, RAT, HAVE YOU DONE A WILL OR ANY ESTATE PLANNING FOR WHEN YOU DIE?
WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
TO ALLOCATE WHERE YOU WANT ALL YOUR STUFF TO GO AND HOW YOU WANT THOSE YOU LEAVE BEHIND TO BE PROVIDED FOR.
UNNECESSARY.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE ALL OF LIFE STOPS WHEN I DIE.
LIFE GOES ON WHEN YOU DIE.
SPEAK FOR YOURSELF.

HEY, DID YOU GET THAT JOB YOU INTERVIEWED FOR?
YEAH, IT COMES WITH A STAFF.
YOU GOT AN ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION THAT COMES WITH A STAFF?
I DID.
NOT WHAT THAT USUALLY MEANS.
DON'T MAKE ME HIT YOU WITH MY STAFF.

HEY, WISE ASS, YOU SIT IN THE EXACT SAME PLACE EVERY DAY... WHY DON'T YOU VARY THINGS UP A BIT?
EVERY MORNING YOU EAT THE EXACT SAME BREAKFAST... A BAGEL WITH PEANUT BUTTER, A BANANA, WALNUTS, BLUEBERRIES, ORANGE JUICE, AND DECAF COFFEE... WHY DON'T YOU VARY THAT?
YOU LEAVE MY MORNING ROUTINE OUT OF THIS.
IT GOT PERSONAL.

WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?
SO YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM IN A BAR OR RESTAURANT AND MAKE SURE TO WASH YOUR HANDS.
BUT THEN YOU GO TO LEAVE THE BATHROOM AND YOU HAVE TO TOUCH THE DOOR.
AND YOU KNOW A CERTAIN PERCENTAGE OF THE PEOPLE WHO USED THE BATHROOM DID NOT WASH THEIR HANDS.
SO EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE WASHED, YOU’VE NOW PICKED UP WHATEVER GERMS WERE ON THOSE GUYS’ HANDS.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE SOLUTION TO THAT IS, DON’T YOU?
I DO.
NEVER WASH YOUR HANDS.
I CAN SAY OPEN THE DOOR WITH YOUR FOOT.
EASIER MY WAY.
I’LL NEVER WASH MY HANDS AGAIN!

What's your ETA?
TBD
LMK
ASAP
THX
TTYL
I.W.T.P.Y.I.T.F.
Huh?
I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.
OMG

I WAS STANDING ON THE SUBWAY PLATFORM TODAY WHEN I SAW THIS WOMAN THROUGH THE WINDOW OF ONE OF THE SUBWAY CARS.
AND I CAN'T TELL YOU EXACTLY WHY, BUT I KNEW IN THE DEPTHS OF MY SOUL THAT THIS WAS THE WOMAN I WAS MEANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH.
OH, MY GOODNESS, WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
THE TRAIN DROVE OFF.
IT WILL BE A LONG, LONELY LIFE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'VE WALKED 2.9 MILES TODAY AND I WANT TO GET TO THREE.
WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH IT?
IF YOU SHAKE YOUR PHONE UP AND DOWN, THE PHONE THINKS YOU'RE WALKING AND GIVES YOU CREDIT FOR THE STEPS.
YOU'VE JUST TAUGHT A MILLION PEOPLE HOW TO CHEAT ON THEIR FITNESS GOALS.
I ONCE RAN A MARATHON THIS WAY.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, GIMME A BURGER AND FRIES.
ANYTHING ELSE?
YEAH, GIMME A SHAKE WITH THAT.
MY SHEIKH IS DOUBLING THE PRICE OF YOUR OIL.

HEY, FATHER GUS, HOW GOES IT?
GREAT. HAVE YOU TWO BEEN SAYING YOUR PRAYERS?
YES. WE PRAY TOGETHER EVERY NIGHT.
GOOD. FELLOWSHIP IS SO IMPORTANT. MAY I ASK WHAT YOU PRAY FOR?
NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP, I PRAY THE LORD MY CASH I KEEP.
IF I SHOULD DIE BEFORE I WAKE, I PRAY THAT HEAVEN'S FILLED WITH CAKE.
HE ALWAYS LOOKS SO SAD AFTER SEEING US.

PAT, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN DAYS. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
READING! READING! READING!
HISTORIES! BIOGRAPHIES! SCIENCE BOOKS! ATLASES! I'M DETERMINED TO BE AS SMART AS I CAN POSSIBLY BE!!
FORGOT IT ALL.
I'D BE SO MUCH SMARTER IF I WAS A REMEMBERER.
IT LEAKS OUT THE EARS.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS. I HAVE A CRISIS ON MY HANDS AND I'M HOPING TO GET YOUR ADVICE.
WELL, THE FIRST THING YOU SHOULD ALWAYS DO IS PAUSE AND TAKE A DEEP BREATH.
THEN LOOK AT THE SITUATION AS CALMLY AND OBJECTIVELY AS POSSIBLE, CONSIDERING ALL YOUR OPTIONS.
THEN TAKE A NIGHT OR TWO TO SLEEP ON THOSE OPTIONS BECAUSE WITH TIME, ALL THINGS BECOME CLEAR.
PAUSING'S NOT ALWAYS THE BEST SOLUTION.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GOAT! HOP IN MY CAR - I'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU TO LUNCH.
THANK YOU! THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
TWO HOURS LATER...
HERE'S YOUR CHECK.
CAN YOU DIVIDE IT INTO TWO? WE'RE SPLITTING IT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE TAKING ME TO LUNCH FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
I DID. YOU GOT IN MY CAR AND I TOOK YOU TO LUNCH.
NOT WHAT THAT MEANS.
SHOOT...FORGOT MY WALLET. MIND PICKING UP THE WHOLE THING?

YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH POLITICS THESE DAYS?
WHAT'S THAT?
THAT THERE ARE ONLY THESE TWO CAMPS. AND WHICHEVER ONE YOU PICK, YOU HAVE TO AGREE WITH EVERYTHING THEY THINK OR DO, OR ELSE YOU'LL BE CRUSHED.
YOU DISCUSSING PRISON LIFE?
NO.
ALWAYS BEFRIEND THE BIG GUY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
THIS NEW THING CALLED THE "GOODNESS SCALE." YOU TAKE YOUR AGE AND MULTIPLY IT BY THE NUMBER OF TRULY GOOD THINGS YOU'VE DONE IN YOUR LIFE, THEN SEE HOW YOU RATE.
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU MULTIPLY SOMETHING BY ZERO?
SOMEONE I SHOULD RUN FROM.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
MY NEW DRINK MIXER. IT MAKES EVERY COCKTAIL TASTE BETTER.
WHAT DO YOU CALL IT?
UMBRAGE. SO IF YOU WANT IT, YOU TELL THE BARTENDER, ‘HEY, PAL! I TAKE UMBRAGE WITH THAT!’
I'M HOPING IT LEADS TO FISTICUFFS.

HOW'S YOUR DAY GOING, RAT?
NOT GOOD. I WAS DRIVING AND THIS WOMAN STARTED YELLING AND SHAKING HER FIST AT ME.
GOSH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE THESE DAYS. THEY'RE SO RUDE. WHAT WAS SHE EVEN YELLING ABOUT?
ME TAKING A SHORTCUT TO THE LIQUOR STORE BY DRIVING THROUGH HER FRONT YARD.
PEOPLE GET RUDER EVERY DAY.

HEY, RAT. HOW YOU DOING TODAY?
I'M PRETTY GRUNTLED.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S THE OPPOSITE OF DISGRUNTLED. IT MEANS, 'HAPPY. CONTENTED.'
WHY DOESN'T ANYONE EVER USE THE WORD?
BECAUSE WE'RE ALL SO BUSY BEING @#@!!@&* DISGRUNTLED.
I'M GONNA START BEING GRUNTLED.
GOOD LUCK.

HI. CAN I GET A DECAF LATTE?
WHAT SIZE?
LARGE.
FLAVORED?
NO.
HOT OR COLD?
HOT. IS WHOLE MILK OKAY?
YES. FOR HERE OR TO GO?
TO GO.
CAN I GET A NAME WITH THAT?
SURE.
GUY WHO DIDN'T THINK BUYING COFFEE WOULD INVOLVE MORE QUESTIONS THAN A JOB INTERVIEW.
I'LL JUST WRITE "GUY."
THAT'S MR. GUY TO YOU.

IS THAT YOU, PIG?
YES.
I BINGED SO MANY EPISODES IN A ROW
OF WHITE LOTUS THAT I LOST ALL
MUSCLE MASS AND SLIPPED BETWEEN
THE COUCH CUSHIONS.
TELL MY FAMILY I'M IN A BETTER
PLACE.

HIYA. WELCOME TO THE WARMEST SPOT IN THE AFTERLIFE.
HEL? WHAT'D I DO TO DESERVE THIS?
YOU NEVER CLEANED OUT THE GARAGE, BOB.
SPOUSES EVERYWHERE APPROVE.

HI. I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM.
SORRY... OUR RESTROOMS ARE RESERVED FOR CUSTOMERS ONLY.
HERE'S FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS... GIMME THE BEST STEAK YOU HAVE.
WHEN YOU GOTTA GO, YOU GOTTA GO.

The reason the Fall is called that is because it was a nice autumn day when Adam and Eve ate the apple and fell from grace.
That's not true.
Oh, I know.
But now that I've posted it on the internet, millions of people will cite it as fact and no one will know WHAT the truth is.
The internet was a mistake.

HEY, MONEYBAGS McGEE... I HEAR YOU'RE GIVING OUR FAIR CITY A NEW MUSEUM, A NEW OPERA HOUSE, AND A NEW HYDROELECTRIC DAM.
DAM?
I DON'T GIVE A DAM.
THAT'S A PROBLEMATIC WORD.
DAM?
RIGHT.

IS THAT YOU, PIG?
RAT? WHY ARE YOU DRESSED AS A FIST?
IT SENDS A MESSAGE TO THE WORLD... "STAY OUT OF MY WAY OR ELSE."
HOW SMART. MAYBE I'LL TRY THAT TOO.
FEELS POWERFUL, DOESN'T IT?
IT DOES.

HELP WANTED
I'M INTERESTED IN THE JOB YOU'RE OFFERING. WHAT'S IT INVOLVE?
I'M CREATING A LINE OF FAMOUS PSYCHOLOGISTS AND PSYCHIATRISTS, AND I NEED YOU TO HELP ME.
HOW DO YOU SAY THIS GUYS NAME?
KARL JUNG. IT'S PRONOUNCED "YUNG". OH, AND YOU SHOULD KNOW ONE THING ABOUT THE JOB.
SINCE YOU'D BE A NOVICE, I'D HAVE YOU DEVELOP SOME OF THE LESSER KNOWN PEOPLE AND LEAVE THE MORE FAMOUS ONES TO BE DONE BY OUR EXPERIENCED EMPLOYEES WHO ARE GOOD AT IT.
SO WOULD I START WITH THIS ONE?
KARL JUNG? NO NO. HE'S ONE OF THE MOST FAMOUS PSYCHIATRISTS OF ALL TIME.
ONLY THE GOOD DIE YUNG.
I HAVE A FREUDIAN URGE TO KILL MY CARTOONIST.