Pearls Before Swine | Search

Extinct due to human exploitation
Extinct due to habitat destruction
Extinct due to moody billionaire
THAT LAST ONE SEEMED PREVENTABLE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS YOUR BIGGEST SKILL IN THE WORKPLACE?
I'M A GOOD PROBLEM-SOLVER. WHAT ABOUT YOU?
I'M A GOOD PROBLEM-CAUSER.
NOT A LOT OF PLACES HIRING FOR THAT.
NO, BUT I FREELANCE QUITE A BIT.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
HAPPY PILLS FROM DR. DO-BETTER. YOU TAKE JUST ONE A DAY AND HAPPINESS IS YOURS.
BEST TO NOT TAKE ANY CHANCES.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I GOT A JOB AS A POSITIVITY THERAPIST.
PEOPLE WRITE TO TELL ME ABOUT THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED IN THEIR LIFE THAT AREN’T VERY GOOD, AND I TRY TO REFRAME IT AS A POSITIVE.
WELL, THAT’S NICE. CAN I SEE ONE?
SURE.
Dear Dr. Pig,
I recently lost my home in a fire and now my cat is gone.
GEE, THAT’S SAD. WHAT'D YOU TELL THEM?
THIS.
NO MORE MOPPING FOR YOU!
SHE DIDN'T EVEN THANK ME.

Dear everyone everywhere who's always arguing...
Relax and eat some cheese.
WE'RE GONNA NEED A LOTTA CHEESE.

OKAY, LEMMINGS. I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS, BUT BEFORE I TELL YOU WHAT IT IS, I NEED YOU TO PROMISE YOU WON'T PANIC, BUT INSTEAD WILL HELP US PUT OUR HEADS TOGETHER AND COME UP WITH A SOLUTION.
OKAY
OKAY
OKAY
TURNS OUT THE CLIMATE IS CHANGING FASTER THAN WE THOUGHT. BIG FIRES ARE MORE FREQUENT, AS ARE HURRICANES AND COASTAL FLOODING.
I DON'T THINK THEY'LL BE PART OF THE SOLUTION.

Hi, me Larry da Croc...
You reject my applica-
shun for hunting rifle
kill Zeeba!
Me want know why.
LARRY DA CROC... LARRY DA
CROC... AH, YES, HERE'S YOUR
APPLICATION... IT APPEARS YOUR
ANSWER TO THE FIRST QUESTION
WAS DEEMED UNSATISFACTORY.
Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
No, but me can try harder.
You guys real nitpickers.
HAVE YOU THOUGHT
ABOUT FIGHTING
WITH STICKS
AND STONES?

BUS STOP TO ANYWHERE
BUS STOP TO ANYWHERE
I DON'T UNDERSTAND, SIR. HOW CAN YOU TAKE A BUS AND NOT KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING?
BECAUSE LIFE IS ALL ABOUT THE JOURNEY.
I HAVE SO MUCH TO LEARN.
BUS STOP TO ANYWHERE

WHAT'S GOAT DOING?
HE'S ON A ZOOM CALL FOR WORK.
WHY DON'T WE PUT A PIN IN THAT AND PUT IT IN THE PARKING LOT FOR NOW AND THEN WE CAN CIRCLE BACK.
I'LL CO-SIGN THAT.
LET'S JUST KEEP IT TOP OF MIND.
MY GOD, YOU SOUND LIKE MORONS.
GOAT WOULD PREFER THAT HIS WORK CALLS NOT BE INTERRUPTED.

BUS STOP
HEY THERE, PIG… WHERE YOU HEADED?
ANYWHERE BUT HERE!
I THINK HE'S ON TO SOMETHING.

MARCH, 2020
BOOHOO BOOHOO...
BECAUSE OF THIS PANDEMIC, I CAN NO LONGER BE WITH OTHER PEOPLE!
DOG: WOOF!
I DO.
I KNOW WHAT I'LL DO.
I'LL GET A DOG, BECAUSE IF YOU CAN'T BE WITH PEOPLE, A DOG IS SECOND BEST!!
SOME TIME IN 2022
AFTER TWO YEARS OF LOCKDOWNS, IT APPEARS THE PANDEMIC NUMBERS ARE FINALLY COMING DOWN.
THE PANDEMIC IS OVER! THE PANDEMIC IS OVER! WE CAN FINALLY HANG OUT WITH OTHER PEOPLE!
IT'S JUST ME AND YOU FOREVER, DOGSO.
AND HE NEVER MISSED THE LOCKDOWN-RELATED UPDATES AGAIN.
NOW HOW DO YOU MAKE SURE THAT THE FOUR-LEGGED ONES LIVE FOREVER?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IF YOU WANT TO GET ALONG WELL WITH OTHERS.
NEVER GIVE UNSOLICITED ADVICE.
ISN'T THAT UNSOLICITED ADVICE?
ALSO, NEVER QUESTION YOUR FRIENDS.

SO I'M WALKING ON THIS NICE PAVED PATH ALONGSIDE A CREEK AND IT WAS PEACEFUL AND RELAXING AND I WAS ENJOYING THE SOLITUDE.
THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN I'M STARTLED BY THIS GUY YELLING 'ON YOUR LEFT!' AS HE WHIZZED PAST ME ON HIS BIKE WHICH RAISES A QUESTION...
ARE CYCLISTS A PUNISHMENT FROM GOD?
YOU'RE GONNA GET EMAIL.
BRING ON THOSE LYCRA LOONS!

FORGIVE ME, FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED.
WHAT ARE YOUR SINS, MY SON?
I'VE LET THE IDIOTS GET TO ME, INSTEAD OF JUST ACCEPTING THEM FOR THE STUPID MORONS THAT THEY ARE.
I WAS NOT FORGIVEN.

My permit for rifle to hunt zeeba is get rejected.
Why dey reject you?
Question ask if me mentally in competition wid anyone. And me mentally in competition wid Zeeba, so me tell truth.
Are you mentally incompetent?
Yes!
Mebbe govmint no like competition,
Problee bunch of communiss.

HEY, ARCHITECT AL, WHATCHA WORKING ON?
DESIGN FOR THE RESTORATION OF THIS SPANISH MISSION.
THE OLD ONE WAS DARK AND DANK, SO MY BOSS IS TAKING THE POSITION THAT WE NEED TO MAKE THE MISSION AIRY.
DO YOU LIKE HER MISSION AIRY POSITION?
COMIC STRIP OVER.
YOU DON'T LIKE RESTORING MISSIONS?
YEAH, IT WELCOMES ALL KINDS OF SECTS.

I'VE HAD THE WORST LUCK LATELY.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY... IF LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, MAKE LEMONADE.
DOES LIFE GIVE YOU THE SUGAR AND WATER IN THAT SAYING?
WELL, NO.
SO YOU'VE JUST GIVEN ME A RECIPE FOR THE WORST LEMONADE EVER.
I'VE GOTTA THINK THROUGH THESE THINGS.

WISE PIG IS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, OUR NATION SEEMS TO BE HAVING SOME REALLY BIG PROBLEMS. IS THERE NOTHING WE CAN DO?
WELL, THE FIRST THING IS TO STOP THINKING LIKE THAT. YOU'RE NOT THE FIRST GENERATION TO ENCOUNTER HARD TIMES.
SO INSTEAD OF BEING DISTRUGHT AND ANGRY, FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU CAN DO TO MAKE OUR COUNTRY A BETTER PLACE.
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, YOU'VE BEEN A TREMENDOUS HELP! THANK YOU, THANK--
WHY YOU STANDING?
'CAUSE I'M GETTING OUT WHILE THE GETTING'S GOOD.
SO LONG, SUCKERS.
WE'RE GONNA NEED PARACHUTES.

HI, RAT. IT'S ME PIG... LISTEN... WE'RE ALL VOLUNTEERING TO TAKE AWAY THE JUNK IN NEIGHBOR BOB'S YARD. CAN YOU HELP?
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA BE DOING TO HELP?
I TAKE A FENCE.
WHAT AN OVERSENSITIVE NINNY.

Whuh you is do, Larry!
Me buying hunting rifle to get zeeba. Got fill out pernit ting.
Do you have a history of violence?
No. But gun should help.
Important to impress dem.

LARRY, WILL YOU PLEASE GET OFF THE COUCH AND HUNT ZEBRAS?
Peesse shut mouf. Me has plan. Me buy gun.
LARRY, CROCS DON'T USE GUNS. THEY HUNT ZEBRAS WITH THEIR SPEED, CUNNING, AND STRENGTH LIKE ALL OF YOUR ANCESTORS.
Dis beeg time saver.
GET OFF THE COUCH, LARRY.
Waaomun, me only has so many hours in day!

HI, I HAVE SOME PAIN THAT'S MAKING IT HARD TO SLEEP.
SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED SOME TYLENOL P.M.
NO, BECAUSE I GO TO BED AT 11 P.M., SO ONLY ONE HOUR OF MY SLEEP IS IN THE P.M.
YEAH, WELL, THE PRODUCT YOU NEED IS STILL P.M.
MAYBE FOR THE FIRST HOUR. BUT THEN AFTER THAT, THE BULK OF MY SLEEP IS IN THE A.M, SO LET'S FOCUS ON THAT.
I'VE BEEN ASKED TO NEVER RETURN.

HEY, BOY. HOW'S YOUR JOB GOING AS A COLLEGE ADMISSIONS OFFICER?
BADLY. WE CAN NO LONGER CONSIDER S.A.T. OR A.P. SCORES, BECAUSE THE TESTS ARE CONSIDERED UNFAIR.
AND WE CAN'T CONSIDER RACE, DUE TO THE SUPREME COURT.
AND WE CAN'T LOOK AT ESSAYS, BECAUSE THEY MIGHT'VE BEEN WRITTEN BY CHAT GPT.
SO WHAT DO YOU DO?
WE LET CHUCK THE CHICKEN DRAW NAMES FROM A HAT.
BUK BUK BUK BUKACK
THAT SEEMS FAIR.
AWW... THIS KID'LL BE SO HAPPY.

THIS POLITICIAN IN THE NEWS IS SO RACIST. WHY DO PEOPLE JUDGE OTHERS BY WHAT RACIAL OR ETHNIC GROUP THEY'RE IN?
I ALWAYS JUDGE PEOPLE BASED ON WHAT GROUP THEY'RE IN.
YOU DO?
STUPID PEOPLE. AND ALL THE REST.
I'M GOING BACK TO READING.
AND LEMME TELL YOU, THAT SECOND GROUP IS NOT LARGE.

WHAT IS THIS?
MY GREATNESS DOESN'T GET ITS DUE, SO I'M REMINDING THE WORLD OF MY IMPORTANCE.
UH, WHY?
BECAUSE THAT'S THE GOAL OF EVERY BEING ON EARTH... TO LEAVE THEIR MARK... TO BE SIGNIFICANT... AND IN DOING SO, GAIN SOME MEASURE OF IMMORTALITY.
YOU THINK THAT'S EVERYONE'S GOAL?
I KNOW IT IS. IT'S WHAT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US STRIVES FOR IN EVERYTHING WE DO.
I JUST WANT TO MAKE ONE PERSON'S DAY BETTER.
HE MIGHT NOT BE SANE.