Pearls Before Swine | Search

Dear Registrar of Voters...
I would like to register to vote.
But as you may know, I am at least 100 times smarter than the average idiot.
As such, please make my vote count 100 times theirs.
THIS FEELS FAIR.

WHAT IS PRICE FIXING?
WHEN COMPETITORS IN A GIVEN INDUSTRY GET TOGETHER AND AGREE TO SET PRICES AT FIXED LEVELS. BUT IT'S ILLEGAL AND THE GOVERNMENT WILL PROSECUTE IT.
ALL THE GAS STATIONS WITHIN TEN MILES OF ME SELL GAS AT ALMOST THE EXACT SAME PRICE.
SOME MYSTERIES CAN NEVER BE SOLVED.
IS THE SOLUTION
'WE JUST ALWAYS GET SCREWED'?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, NEIGHBOR BOB?
CHECKING MY LIST OF ALL THE BOOKS I'VE READ THIS YEAR...SO FAR I HAVE 175.
HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
I LISTEN TO BOOKS ON TAPE DURING MY COMMUTE.
THAT DOESN'T COUNT.
BOOK LOVERS ARE A STRANGE BREED.
ONLY A BOOK IS A BOOK.

WE NEED TO FIX EVERYTHING THAT'S WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY!
YEAH, I AGREE, SO I SKETCHED OUT THIS POSSIBLE SOLUTION TO SOME OF OUR PROBLEMS.
YEAH, THIS LOOKS LIKE IT COULD WORK. DOES MY SIDE WIN?
THIS ISN'T ABOUT WHAT POLITICAL PARTY WINS. IT'S ABOUT SOLVING REAL PROBLEMS.
SO YOU'VE WASTED EVERYONE'S TIME?
WHAT AM I MISSING HERE?
WE WANT VICTORIES, NOT SOLUTIONS!

ACME INVESTMENT BANK. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
HI, THIS IS PIG. I'M CALL- ING TO SEE HOW MY RETIREMENT PLANNING IS COMING ALONG.
YOU'VE SAVED NO MONEY AND WILL BE WORKING TIL THE DAY YOU DIE.
IT'S NICE TO BE UPDATED.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THE GOVERNMENT APPROVED THIS DRUG? THE AGENCY INCLUDED SAID IT HAS PERFECTLY SAFE FOR
IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A FIX, NO MORE CASH IN POLITICS.
ANYHOW, THESE POLITICIANS CAN STILL SOMEHOW FIND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO WASTE ON
I DON'T WANT TO HURT THE VIBE... BUT BIG DONATIONS ARE JUST BRIBES.
AS I WAS SAYING, POLITICIANS ARE THE WORST. THEY CAN'T EVEN PASS LAWS THAT NINETY PERCENT OF AMERICANS AGREE
IF YOU WANT ALL THESE PROBLEMS CORRECTED... THE ANSWER'S PUBLICLY FINANCED ELECTIONS...
THEY'RE TRYING TO HAVE A SERIOUS DISCUSSION ABOUT PROBLEMS THAT CONCERN THIS COUNTRY!!
NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR MY SONG.

WELL, PIG, I'M OFF TO DO SOME MOUNTAINEERING, BUT I NEED TO GO SHOPPING FIRST.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO BUY?
I REALLY NEED SOME CRAMPONS.
I'M NOT COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT FEMININE ISSUES.
SOME THINGS I DON'T NEED TO KNOW.

FOR TODAY'S MIDTERM, I'D LIKE EACH OF YOU TO DISCUSS WHAT EFFECT YOU THINK CLOSED-MINDEDNESS IS HAVING IN THIS COUNTRY.
Fashion is nice, but being too clothes-minded is bad.
THIS IS WHY I'VE SPENT HALF MY TEACHING CAREER DREAMING OF RETIREMENT.

OH, WISE ASS, WHEN A MAGICIAN MAKES HIMSELF DISAPPEAR, IS HE REALLY GONE?
NO, PIG. HE'S JUST SOMEWHERE ELSE THAT YOU CAN'T SEE.
SO IT'S SORT OF LIKE WHEN SOMEONE YOU LOVE DIES. IT MIGHT LOOK LIKE THEY'RE GONE BUT REALLY THEY'RE JUST SOMEWHERE ELSE, LIKE IN YOUR HEART.
AND THAT'S ITS OWN FORM OF MAGIC.
SOMETIMES THERE'S NOTHING I CAN ADD.

DID YOU HEAR PIG'S MOM CHANGED THE LAST NAME SHE WAS BORN WITH? HER LAST NAME IS NOW I'MCOMMITTINGBANKFRAUD.
WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?
SHE DOESN'T LIKE HER SON.
WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
THANKS FOR CALLING ACME BANK... FOR VERIFICATION PURPOSES, WHAT'S YOUR MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME?
NEVER MIND.

I THINK IN TEN YEARS, WE WILL HAVE THE CURE FOR MOST MAJOR DISEASES.
THAT'S GREAT, RAT. IT'S NICE TO HEAR YOU BE POSITIVE FOR A CHANGE.
THANKS.
THOUGH IT WON'T MATTER BECAUSE A.I. WILL HAVE KILLED US ALL.
COULDN'T DO IT, COULD YOU?
I'M AS POSITIVE AS LIFE LETS ME BE.

HEY, RAT, THE COMPANY WOULD LIKE ALL OF YOU EMPLOYEES TO HELP DRAFT OUR COMPANY'S MISSION STATEMENT.
IT SHOULD REFLECT OUR VALUES AS A CORPORATION AND A PART OF THIS COMMUNITY.
MAKE AS MUCH MONEY AS POSSIBLE. ACT LIKE WE CARE ABOUT OTHER STUFF.
THANKS BUT NO THANKS.
IT DOES REFLECT OUR VALUES.

THE ANSWER TO YOUR PROBLEMS
THE ANSWER TO YOUR PROBLEMS
THE ANSWER TO YOUR PROBLEMS
THE ANSWER TO YOUR PROBLEMS
THE ANSWER TO YOUR PROBLEMS
$10
$10
$10
$10
$10
GATHER AROUND!
GATHER AROUND!
THE ANSWER TO YOUR PROBLEMS IS TO NEVER TRUST PEOPLE WHO CLAIM TO HAVE THE ANSWER TO YOUR PROBLEMS.
THEY'LL THANK ME WHEN THE FURY SUBSIDES.

JOB SKILLS QUESTIONNAIRE
What are you adept at?
Nothing
FOR A JOB QUESTIONNAIRE, YOU SHOULD FRAME ALL YOUR ANSWERS AS A POSITIVE.
I'm adept at being unskilled.

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
Yeah. Me want return son for refund. He no respond to texts.
He say, 'Welcome to parenthood'.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK.
WHO ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
ALL THE PEOPLE I'VE LOST IN MY LIFE.
I'M AFRAID IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.
SURELY THEY'RE SOMEWHERE.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
AN ERECTOR SET.
GIVEN YOUR AGE, I BET YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ONE OF THESE IN YEARS.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING, BUT CONSIDER THIS COMIC STRIP OVER.
SOUNDS LIKE THE GUY JUST DOESN'T GET ERECTOR SETS.
MUST BE HARD.

IF AFTER YOU DIE, YOU'RE ALLOWED TO ASK GOD TO REVEAL THE ANSWER TO ONE OF LIFE'S GREAT MYSTERIES, WHAT WOULD YOU ASK?
HOW THEY BUILT THE PYRAMIDS. WHAT ABOUT YOU?
WHY WE KEEP ALL THOSE PENS BY THE PHONE EVEN THOUGH NONE OF THEM WORK.
I DON'T THINK THAT MYSTERY CAN EVER BE REVEALED.
I DIDN'T THINK SO.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WE HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS IN THIS WORLD. WHAT IS THE CAUSE?
HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU HAVE?
NOT MUCH.
STUPID PEOPLE.
HE GOT RIGHT TO THE POINT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH NEIGHBOR BOB. HE USED TO TALK TO ME ALL THE TIME ABOUT POLITICS. NOW HE WON'T EVEN HAVE A DISCUSSION WITH ME.
I MEAN, I STAY INFORMED.
I LOOK AT ALL THE RELEVANT WEB SITES.
AND I STAY PRETTY UP-TO-DATE WITH STUFF DISCUSSED ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
AND I TALK TO PLENTY OF OTHER PEOPLE ABOUT POLITICS.
HE'S EVERYTHING THAT'S WRONG WITH AMERICA.
SO CLOSED-MINDED.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING. JEF THE CYCLIST
RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT AND VICE PRESIDENT. WE'RE GONNA ORDER THE WHOLE COUNTRY TO EAT LIKE CYCLISTS. EXERCISE LIKE CYCLISTS. AND DISCIPLINE THEMSELVES LIKE CYCLISTS.
YEAH, WELL, THAT'S NOT HOW A DEMOCRACY WORKS, JEF. WE HAVE A CONGRESS THAT PASSES LAWS, A SUPREME COURT THAT RULES ON THEIR LEGALITY. AND A CONSTITUTION THAT IS THE SUPREME LAW OF THE LAND.
NO WONDER WE'RE SUPERIOR.

DO YOU KEEP A DAILY JOURNAL WHERE YOU CONFESS YOUR INNERMOST THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS?
OF COURSE. I'M NO DIFFERENT THAN ANYONE ELSE. HERE, HAVE A LOOK.
TUESDAY
Was great today.
WEDNESDAY
Was great again.
THURSDAY
Was great again.
I'M WONDERING WHAT FRIDAY HOLDS.
I'M GUESSING MORE GREATNESS.

BALLOON TO FLY AWAY FROM ALL THE ANXIETY CAUSED BY THIS ELECTION
BALLOON TO FLY AWAY FROM ALL THE ANXIETY CAUSED BY THIS ELECTION
WE MAY NEED MORE BALLOONS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?!
AN EXPERIMENT. THE FOLLOWING SUBJECT MATTER IS SOMETHING I'VE NEVER SEARCHED FOR OR MENTIONED ANYWHERE ONLINE OR IN EMAIL....
BOLIVIAN BOLO TIES.
I AM NOW GETTING ADS FOR BOLIVIAN BOLO TIES.
OUR @#*&$ PHONES ARE LISTENING TO US!
I LOVE YOU, MR. GOVERNMENT! I LOVE YOU, BIG TECH!

DID YOU HEAR WHAT THEY'RE DOING WITH THESE GENDER- NEUTRAL BATHROOMS?
YEAH, WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THIS COUNTRY?
WHAT'S HAPPENING IS THAT GOOD, MIDDLE-CLASS JOBS THAT USED TO BE IN THIS COUNTRY WERE MOVED OVERSEAS FOR THE BENEFIT OF HEDGE FUNDS AND CORPORATIONS FAR RICHER THAN YOU.
TOGETHER WITH THEIR CAPTIVE JUDGES AND POLITICIANS, THEY ARE PART OF AN ELITE CLASS WHO HAVE BECOME SIGNIFICANTLY MORE POWERFUL WHILE THE REST OF US ARGUE OVER BATHROOMS.
SOMEONE HAD TO SAY IT.