Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, MARLA AND CARLA TEA... WANT TO GO TO THE MOVIES WITH ME TOMORROW?
SURE, BUT IT WOULD BE EVEN BETTER IF YOU SPENT THE NIGHT WITH US.
TEASE.
YES. TEAS.
IT'S NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF.
WE WERE BORN THIS WAY, YOU RACIST GIT#@!.
DATING IS SO CONFUSING.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING PROFESSIONALLY?
PERSISTENCE.
FOR EXAMPLE, I WAS RECENTLY TURNED DOWN FOR A JOB I HAD INTERVIEWED FOR. SO THE NEXT DAY I CALLED THEM BACK.
643 TIMES.
THAT'S SO INSPIRING.
ONLY THE RESTRAINING ORDER STOPPED ME.

HI AHMED
WHY SO SAD?
MY COUNTRY, QATAR, HAS LOST A BIG FOOTBALL MATCH TO SAUDI ARABIA.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
YES, IT IS SO HARD TO WATCH SAUDI ARABIA LAUGHING AND CELEBRATING LIKE THAT.
WHILE MY QATAR GENTLY WEEPS.
I WEEP FOR THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO READ THIS.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
I WAS CLEANING THE ROOF GUTTERS AND I FELL OFF THE ROOF.
OH, NO. I'M SORRY.
YEAH, WELL, WHAT CAN YOU DO?
NOT FALL OFF THE ROOF.
NEXT TIME ASK MY ADVICE BEFOREHAND.

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING, RAT?
WRITING A LETTER
TO MY NEIGHBOR BOB
TELLING HIM I
FORGIVE HIM FOR
EVERYTHING HE DID.
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
PRACTICING FORGIVE-
NESS IS IMPORT-
TANT. MIND IF I
TAKE A LOOK?
SURE,
GO
AHEAD.
Dear Bob,
I forgive you for
all the things you've
done. I just have to
remember you're a
moron who always
does stupid things.
THE BEST APOLOGIES HAVE
A LITTLE ZING.

HEY, NEIGHBOR NED, HOW GO THINGS AT THE FACTORY YOU OWN?
NOT SO GOOD. WE'RE HAVING TROUBLE WITH OUR UNSKILLED LABOR.
HOW'S YOUR UNSKILLED MANAGEMENT?
OWNERSHIP IS EASILY OFFENDED.

I'VE GOT A FEELING ABOUT MICHELE. I THINK SHE'S LEAVING HOME.
BUT SHE LOVES YOU.
NO, I'M A LOSER. IN MY LIFE, I'M GOING NOWHERE.
BUT I SAW HER STANDING THERE YESTERDAY OR THE NIGHT BEFORE.
ACT NATURALLY. HERE COMES HER FRIEND JULIA.
OH, DARLING! MY NAME IS RITA.
LOVELY RITA! OF COURSE! CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING?
GET BACK. I'M SO TIRED OF YOU THINKING YOU'RE GONNA LOSE THAT GIRL.
TELL ME WHY.
BECAUSE.
LET IT BE. WE ALL NEED TO COME TOGETHER. I CAN HELP YOU.
THE TWO OF US?
WHY DON'T WE DO IT IN THE ROAD?
ALSO, I AM THE WALRUS AND INTEND TO BE A PAPERBACK WRITER WHEN I'M 64.
I WANT US TO FIND ALL 28 Beatles SONGS.
I WANT YOU TO. DON'T LET ME DOWN, MEAN MR. MUSTARD.
3!!

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB, IS IT TRUE YOU USED TO RAISE A BUNCH OF EGRETS IN YOUR YARD THAT YOU'D OCCASIONALLY EAT?
EGRETS? I'VE HAD A FEW. BUT THEN AGAIN, TOO FEW TO MUNCH ON.
AND NOW, THE END IS NEAR.

AAAAARRGHHH...
MORE JUNK EMAIL!
To unsubscribe,
just click
HERE
You've unsubscribed. Just click to confirm.
[ ] I wish to subscribe to no more of these promotional materials.
[ ] Do not unsubscribe me to none of the future offers.
[ ] Subscribe to none of the above. Unless box is checked.
Click HERE to agree.
WHY DO THEY MAKE THIS SO @#$%ING HARD?
OH, NO... YOU CLICKED THAT BOX?

WHAT'S ALL THAT, PIG?
A GRATER. I USE IT TO GRATE THE SKIN OF THIS LEMON. IT'S CALLED ZESTING AND IT MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER.
YEAH. SORRY. I'M NOT MORE INTERESTED. I'M JUST NOT HAVING A VERY GOOD DAY.
ZEST IT!
THIS COULD REALLY CHANGE THE WORLD.

HI, RAT... SORRY I DIDN'T RESPOND TO YOUR EMAIL... I'VE BEEN REALLY SHORT ON TIME.
NO PROB... I TOTALLY GET IT.
Thanks. Got your email.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TIMING HOW LONG A RESPONSE TAKES. TURNS OUT IT'S FOUR SECONDS.
I SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING.
WHOA. THAT COFFEE SIP TOOK NINE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IT'S 7A.M.
MAKING COFFEE. I GOTTA MEET GOAT EARLY TODAY AT THE DINER.
YEAH, BUT I MAKE MY COFFEE ON THAT EVERY MORNING AT 7 A.M., AND SIT HERE QUIETLY ALONE AND EAT ONE BAGEL AND A BANANA, THEN WATCH MY SHOWS WHILE READING THE SPORTS SECTION.
WELL, TODAY CAN BE A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
SOME GUYS REALLY NEED THEIR ROUTINE.

TODAY, MASSIVE WILDFIRES DESTROYED...
LARGEST HURRICANE EVER TO HIT...
***CLICK***
MAKING IT THE LONGEST DROUGHT ON RECORD...
HIGHEST TEMPERATURE SEEN SINCE...
***CLICK***
***CLICK***
DRINKING MAKES THE MOST SENSE.

PIG... WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IT'S 3:00 A.M.
I'M THE NIGHTMARE CRUSHER. I WAKE PEOPLE TO SAVE THEM FROM THEIR NIGHTMARES.
BUT I WASN'T HAVING NIGHTMARES. I WAS JUST ASLEEP.
YEAH, IT'S ALWAYS HARD TO TELL, SO TO BE SAFE, I JUST WAKE EVERYONE.
NEVER... DO... THAT... AGAIN.
NIGHTMARE CRUSHER IS RARELY THANKED.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PAIN RELIEVER?
FOR WHAT KIND OF PAIN?
ALL OF IT.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
ALL THE PAIN THAT CAN COME WITH JUST BEING ALIVE.
SCIENCE HAS A LONG WAY TO GO.

PARDON ME, FOLKS, BUT WE'RE LOOKING FOR A BANK ROBBER. ALL WE KNOW ABOUT HIM IS THAT HE'S FROM PITTSBURGH.
YEAH, WELL, GOOD LUCK I.D.'ING SOMEONE JUST BASED ON WHERE THEY'RE FROM.
YEAH, YINZ ARE NUTS.
PITTSBURGHESE FOR "YOU ALL."
THEY HAVE THEIR OWN LANGUAGE?
WAS MY FRANCO HARRIS UNDERWEAR SHOWING?

I GOT FIRED FROM WORK. MY BOSS SAID I WAS JUST TOO GULLIBLE TO BE IN A CORPORATE SETTING. SO MY FINAL DAY WAS THE LAST DAY OF THE MONTH. HANG ON, THIS IS MY BOSS CALLING.
PIG, WHY AREN’T YOU AT WORK?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YESTERDAY WAS THE LAST DAY OF THE MONTH.
FEBRUARY HAS AN EXTRA DAY THIS YEAR.
HA! NICE TRY.
AT LEAST I’M SHOWING IMPROVEMENT.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THOSE "HOW'S MY DRIVING?" BUMPER STICKERS ON THE BACK OF TRUCKS THAT INVITE YOU TO CALL SOME NUMBER?
SURE. WHY?
BECAUSE I'VE CREATED MY OWN HELPFUL STICKER TO PUT OVER THEIR STICKER.
I'M WORKING FOR A LIVING JUST LIKE YOU, BUT SURE, GO AHEAD AND NARC ON ME TO MY BILLIONAIRE BOSS.
I DON'T SEE A PHONE NUMBER.
CORRECT.

ONE OF THE THINGS THAT I'VE FOUND HELPFUL IN THERAPY IS TO HAVE MY PATIENTS LIST THE EMOTIONS THEY'VE BEEN FEELING.
EMOTIONS, HUH, LET'S SEE... HAPPY, GRUMPY, BASHFUL.
SLEEPY, SNEEZY, DOPEY.
DO YOU HAVE ANY EMOTIONS THAT AREN'T DWARFS?
NOPE, DOC.

HEY, RAT. I TRIED TO LEAVE YOU A VOICEMAIL, BUT YOUR VOICEMAIL IS FULL.
SO WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
NO ONE CAN LEAVE YOU ANY MESSAGES.
I TAKE IT YOU WON'T BE CLEARING SPACE.
TO DREAMS COMING TRUE.

WHO ARE ALL THESE GUYS?
THAT FIRST GUY IS THE MAN FROM PLANO, TEXAS. THE GUY NEXT TO HIM IS NAMED, KNIGHTS. THEY BOTH SING.
AND WHO ARE THESE TWO?
THAT'S TOM. HE GOES BY 'T' AND IF YOU'RE IN THE MOOD, HE'LL GIVE YOU A MELON. AND THAT'S HUGH, THE OWNER. HE JUST WANTS TO BE SURE WE'RE ALL FEELING GOOD IN HIS BAR.
WHY ISN'T ANYONE DOING ANYTHING?
WE ALL JUST NEED ENCOURAGEMENT. HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU
SING US A SONG, YOU'RE THE PLANO MAN! SING US A SONG TONIGHT! WE'RE ALL IN THE MOOD FOR A MELON, 'T,' AND HUGH'S GOT US FEELING ALRIGHT!
I LOATHE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.

Letter from publeesher.
Me write book. Me want get publeeshed.
Dear Contributor,
You are barely literate. What makes you think you could ever get a book published?
ARROGANTZ!
Stoopid question.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS... WHAT IS A SUCCESSFUL LIFE?
BEING THE FIRST PERSON TO EVER ACHIEVE SOMETHING.
HAS ANYONE EVER FAILED AT EVERY ONE OF THOSE THINGS THEY'VE TRIED?
NOT THAT I KNOW OF.
I CAN BE THE FIRST GUY TO DO THAT.
I JUST BECAME A PIONEER.

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, RAT?
JUST DOING SOME THINKING.
I HAVE AN IDEA!
SORRY, THAT'S AN OLD INCANDESCENT BULB. YOU HAVE TO HAVE AN L.E.D. BULB NOW OR NOTHING.
ENVIRONMENTALISM HAS GONE TOO FAR.

HI, PIGITA. IT'S ME, PIG.
I'M GLAD YOU CALLED, PIG, BECAUSE IF WE'RE GONNA GO FORWARD IN THIS RELATIONSHIP, WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR MATURITY.
OKAY. BUT I CAN'T DO IT TODAY.
WHY? WHAT DO YOU HAVE SCHEDULED FOR TODAY?
SIX HOURS OF POPPING BUBBLE WRAP.
I'M NEWLY SINGLE.