Pearls Before Swine | Search

WELL, I JUST CRANKED OUT AN ENTIRE MOVIE SCRIPT... HAVE A LOOK...
The whole world blows up.
THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE FOR A TWO-HOUR FEATURE MOVIE? YOU NEED TO ADD MORE THAN THAT.
Two hours of silence followed.

DO YOU HAVE A LIFELONG DREAM?
YEAH, BUT IT'S A TWO-PARTER.
WHAT'S THE FIRST PART?
TO ONE DAY RUN INTO A BURNING BUILDING AND SAVE SOMEONE'S LIFE.
WHAT'S THE SECOND PART?
TO NOT BE THE GUY WHO SET THE BUILDING ON FIRE.
ALMOST A NICE SENTIMENT.
AND AT LEAST HALF OF IT IS REALISTIC.

RULES FOR HOW I'D LIKE OTHERS TO TREAT ME...
DON'T:
SOCK ME
CLOCK ME
SHOCK ME
STALK ME
OR
MOCK ME
I'D ADD 'TALK TO ME.'
I'D GET TOO LONELY.

HOW TO BE A POLITICAL CARTOONIST WHEN SOMEONE FAMOUS DIES...
Draw deceased person with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
Add lame reference to person's career.
Welcome to the "Pearly Before Swine" Gates!
CONGRATS! YOU'RE NOW A POLITICAL CARTOONIST!
DO YOU HAVE TO USE ME AS THE EXAMPLE OF THE DEAD GUY?
TRUE. YOU SHOULDN'T BE GOING TO HEAVEN.

A PSYCHOLOGIST JUST TOLD ME I HAVE MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES, ALL OF WHICH ARE ANGRY AND UNPLEASANT.
WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME ALL THIS?
SO YOU'LL RESPECT MY NEW PRONOUN.
WHICH IS?
HORDE OF CURMUDGEONS.
DEFINITELY NOT A PRONOUN.
YOU’RE NOT RESPECTING IT.

DID YOU SEE WHAT OUR NEIGHBOR DID?
YEAH. I WAS GONNA ASK YOU A QUESTION ABOUT THAT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
IF YOU CAN STARE AT YOUR PHONE WHILE I TALK, I CAN
SURE AS @#&% STARE AT MY BOOK.
WHAT A GREAT CONVERSATION THIS IS.
YOU STARTED IT.

ANGRY BOB’S WIFE WAS ANGRY. “WE NEED TO HAVE A BETTER RELATIONSHIP WITH NEIGHBOR NED,” SHE TOLD HER HUSBAND.
SO ANGRY BOB INVITED NEIGHBOR NED ON A HOT AIR BALLOON RIDE.
“THIS IS REALLY NICE,” SAID ANGRY BOB AS THEY WERE IN THE AIR. “I HOPE YOU’RE ENJOYING IT AS MUCH AS I AM.”
“YEAH, “ SAID THE NEIGHBOR NED, SITTING ON THE EDGE OF THE BASKET. “IF I WASN’T BEING STUPID YOU.”
ANGRY BOB SHOOK THE BASKET AND NEIGHBOR NED PLUMMETED TO HIS DEATH.
“HOW’D IT GO?” ASKED ANGRY BOB’S WIFE WHEN HE GOT HOME.
“WE HAD A FALLING OUT,” HE ANSWERED.
AND THEY NEVER HAD A PROBLEM WITH NEIGHBOR NED AGAIN.
WELL, HE DIDN’T LIE.

DO YOU KNOW VERY MUCH ABOUT GREEK MYTHOLOGY?
A FAIR AMOUNT.
SO YOU KNOW THAT WINGED CREATURE PEGASUS?
PEGASUS.
PIGASUS.
WHY DO I TRY?
I'M LIKE BACON THAT FLIES.

I HEAR YOU'RE NOT INVITED TO NEIGHBOR BOB'S PARTY TODAY. DOES THAT GIVE YOU A LITTLE F.O.M.O.?
WHAT'S THAT?
FEAR OF MISSING OUT.
OH. I JUST HAVE T.I.N.G.
WHAT'S T.I.N.G.?
THRILLED I'M NOT GOING.
DON'T KNOW THAT ONE.
IT'S THE GREATEST FEELING THERE IS.

IS THERE ANY RULE YOU LIVE BY?
JUST...IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY...
...DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL.
NO. GO ON TWITTER AND SAY IT THERE.
IT'S NOT EVEN CALLED TWITTER ANYMORE.
IS IT CALLED THE MEAN, NASTY PLACE?

WELL, I’VE GOT TO GET GOING. MY FLIGHT LEAVES IN A FEW HOURS.
FLY SAFE.
YOU REALIZE I’M NOT FLYING THE PLANE, RIGHT?
IT IS SORT OF A STUPID EXPRESSION.
I COULD ALWAYS GO IN THE COCKPIT AND SEE IF THEY NEED HELP.

HEY THERE, PIG. THIS IS MY FRIEND SAM... HE'S A PROFESSIONAL ASSASSIN.
OH, YEAH? WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN OUR CITY?
I HAVE A FEW HOURS TO KILL.
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS A VERY CONFUSING THING.

DO YOU EVER GET THE FEELING THAT SOMETHING REALLY BAD IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN AND WE'RE ALL GONNA HAVE TO ESCAPE?
YEAH, I DO. BUT WE SHOULD ASK WISE ASS ABOUT THAT. HE'S USUALLY PRETTY CALM AND CLEARHEADED.
FLED
I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS.

HEY, RAT. THIS IS OUR NEW NEIGHBOR. HE'S THE HEAD OF AMCE HEALTH.
OH, YOU'RE THE COMPANY THAT DENIED MY COUSIN'S CLAIM FOR TREATMENT.
WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, WE HAVE TO MAKE A LOT OF VERY DIFFICULT DECISIONS. MEDICAL CARE IS EXPENSIVE THESE DAYS.
BELIEVE ME, IF I COULD PAY EVERY CLAIM, I WOULD, BUT I'M RESPONSIBLE TO SHAREHOLDERS WHO EXPECT US TO MAKE A PROFIT IN A VERY CHALLENGING ENVIRONMENT.
IS THAT TRUE?
I'M AFRAID SO.
IS THAT WHY THEY PAY YOU THIRTY MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR?
PLEASE DON'T GOOGLE THINGS.
YOUR CLAIM IS DENIED.
YOU'RE PAYING FOR LUNCH!

DO YOU MIND STORES LIKE THE GAP EXISTING?
NO... I SHOP THERE ALL THE TIME.
YEAH, WELL, BRITS MIND.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
EVERY TIME YOU GET OFF THE SUBWAY IN LONDON, THIS LOUD VOICE SHOUTS, "MIND THE GAP!"
I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START WITH THAT.
YOU'D THINK THEY'D PICK ON BANANA REPUBLIC.

HOW'D YOU LIKE THE STORY I WROTE?
IT WAS FINE.
TIP TO THE WISE: IF YOU REALLY WANT TO BE HATED BY PEOPLE WHO CREATE FOR A LIVING, CALL THEIR WORK "FINE."
THEN PREPARE TO BE HIT WITH A CROQUET MALLET.
NEVER BE FRIENDS WITH CREATIVE TYPES.

HEY, ARE YOU STEPHAN PASTIS?
YEAH, WHY?
I READ YOUR COMIC STRIP EVERY DAY.
OH, WOW. WELL, THANK YOU.
WHY ARE YOU THANKING ME? I THINK IT'S TERRIBLE.
MAYBE I'M JUST A GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT.
DID SOMEONE SAY PUNISHMENT?

DEAR McDONALD'S,
LAST NIGHT I WATCHED
A NATURE DOCUMENTARY
WHERE ANIMALS IN AFRICA
ALL ATE EACH OTHER.
THEY DO THIS
BECAUSE THEY HAVE
NOTHING ELSE TO
EAT.
PLEASE PUT McDONALD'S
IN THE SERENGETI.
THAT STILL
INVOLVES
DEAD
ANIMALS.
MAYBE
THEY'LL
JUST ORDER
FRIES.

HEY, YOU'RE THE YO-YO... HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD, PIG. I'M LONELY AS HECK.
WELL, LET'S LOOK THROUGH THE PERSONALS FOR YOU. HERE'S ONE... SINGLE LADY LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO JUST WANTS TO HAVE A GOOD TIME... NO STRINGS ATTACHED?
YO-YOS HAVE IT HARD.

HOW WAS THAT NEW MOVIE YOU SAW? I HEARD IT'S AMAZING.
IT REALLY WAS.
I JUST HAVE NO WORDS.
THAT ENTIRE SENTENCE WAS COMPOSED OF WORDS!!
I TAKE IT YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT THAT EXPRESSION.
I HAVE NO WORDS.

WELL, FRED, I'M AFRAID I HAVE
SOME BAD NEWS. YOU
HAVE A TOTALLY FATAL
DISEASE. SO WE
HAVE TO ACT FAST!!
AHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHA
FRED! FRED! WHAT
THE HECK ARE
YOU DOING?
I THOUGHT
LAUGHTER
WAS THE BEST
MEDICINE.
NO! FRED! WE HAVE
GOOD TREATMENT
OPTIONS! PILLS!
SURGERIES!
(SIGH). DIDN'T KNOW.
ACK
SOME EXPRESSIONS ARE
SO DARN DANGEROUS.

HEY, PIG, HOW'S YOUR SISTER DOING? IS SHE STILL GETTING READY FOR EASTER?
SHE DYED.
...EGGS YESTERDAY.
DON'T PAUSE AT THAT POINT IN A SENTENCE.
YOU HAVE AN ODD REACTION TO COLORING EGGS.

I HAVE A NEW WAY OF SOLVING DISAGREEMENTS WITH OTHER PEOPLE.
WHAT IS THAT?
I JUST SUGGEST THAT THEY MEET ME HALFWAY.
THAT'S SMART. THAT WAY YOU COMPROMISE.
NO... THEY GO HALFWAY. I DON'T MOVE.
THAT'S NOT A COMPROMISE.
BUT WE'RE HALFWAY THERE.

HEY, PIG, WHAT'S IN THE JAR?
MY UNCLE JUST DIED, AND IT'S TRADITION IN OUR FAMILY TO EACH KEEP SOME OF OUR RELATIVE'S BRAIN.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
WE JUST ENJOY HAVING THE PIECE OF MIND.
NO ONE ENJOYS YOUR COMIC STRIP.

GOAT MADE ME SO MAD LAST WEEK THAT I'M NOW GIVING HIM THE SILENT TREATMENT. I DON'T CALL HIM. I DON'T TEXT HIM. I DON'T VISIT HIM.
WHAT GOOD DOES ALL THAT DO?
HURTS HIM. IMAGINE WHAT HE'S GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW.