Pearls Before Swine | Search

I WENT TO THE GROCERY STORE AND GOT ALL THE NUTS YOU WANTED.
I HOPE YOU DIDN'T GET THE SMALL ONES. THEY'RE A RIP-OFF.
NOPE... I ONLY GOT THE BIG ONES.
YOU GOT BIG NUTS! YOU GOT BIG NUTS!
COMIC STRIP OVER.
NUTS.
ENOUGH!

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB... I HEAR YOU INHERITED A BUNCH OF MONEY AND NO LONGER HAVE TO WORK.
YEP, IT'S TRUE. IF LIFE IS A CAR, MINE IS NOW ON CRUISE CONTROL.
IF MINE IS A CAR, IT HAS FOUR FLAT TIRES AND AN ENGINE ON FIRE.
MAYBE YOU'RE NOT THE GUY TO TALK TO.
AND THE STEERING COLUMN BROKE AND IT'S ROLLING OFF A CLIFF.

IN THE OLD DAYS, IT WAS SO EASY TO FORM AN ANGRY MOB.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE MOST OF US LIVED IN SMALL TOWNS AND VILLAGES, SO WE ALL KNEW EVERYONE.
AND IF SOME GUY DID SOMETHING WRONG OR SOMETHING YOU JUST DIDN'T LIKE, YOU COULD EASILY GATHER ALL THOSE PEOPLE AND PUBLICLY HUMILIATE HIM OR EVEN WORSE.
BUT THEN, SADLY, MOST OF US MOVED ON TO LARGE CITIES WHERE WE WERE LOST IN A SEA OF PEOPLE. AND HOW CAN YOU RILE UP COMPLETE STRANGERS THAT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW?
BUT NOW WE HAVE SOCIAL MEDIA AND THE MOB IS BACK!
IT'S A GIFT FROM GOD.
MAYBE NOT FROM GOD.
MOB VENGEANCE IS BACK! AHHH, SWEET VENGEANCE, BABY!

I THINK MY DATE TONIGHT WENT WELL. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BE A MORE INTERESTING AND CHARISMATIC SPEAKER AROUND WOMEN.
OH YEAH? WHAT DID YOU TELL HER THAT WAS INTERESTING AND CHARISMATIC?
THAT THE TERM 'STATION WAGON' COMES FROM THE FACT THAT THOSE CARS WERE ORIGINALLY DESIGNED TO TAKE PEOPLE AND THEIR LUGGAGE TO AND FROM THE TRAIN STATION.
THAT MUST HAVE PUT HER RIGHT OVER THE EDGE.
OF DECIDING SHE LIKES ME?
THE OTHER EDGE.

THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY... WE'VE GOT ALL OF SATURDAY AND SUNDAY AHEAD OF US.
WE'VE GOT EVERY DAY AHEAD OF US. WE HAVE NO JOBS, NO SKILLS, AND NO PROSPECTS.
WE'VE REALLY FIGURED OUT LIFE.

HI, NEIGHBOR BOB... I'M HERE FOR THE BIG PARTY.
THANKS, PIG... BUT I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU YESTERDAY THAT IT WAS FROM 2 TO 5.
YOU DID!
AND RIGHT NOW IT'S 4:59.
I KNOW!
A 'LAST MINUTE INVITE' IS NOT WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE.

I'M STEPHAN PASTIS! LOOK HOW GREAT I AM! LOOK HOW GREAT I AM!
I'M STEPHAN PASTIS! LOOK HOW GREAT I AM! LOOK HOW GREAT I AM!
WHO THE @#$% IS STEPHAN PASTIS?
I LOVE REED ALREADY.
I DON'T EVEN GET WHY IT'S FUNNY
IT'S FUNNY 'CAUSE IT'S TRUE!

YOU KNOW, RAT, DRINKING LIKE YOU DO CAN HAVE LONG-TERM EFFECTS ON YOUR MEMORY.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
IT MEANS YOU CAN START TO FORGET WHOLE CHUNKS OF YOUR LIFE.
YOU SHOULDN'T ENCOURAGE ME LIKE THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
TEACHING BABIES TO BURN TRASH.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IT HELPS CLEAN UP ALL THE LITTER AROUND TOWN AND IT DOESN'T END UP IN LANDFILLS.
FOR INSTANCE, I FOUND THESE CONCERT FLYERS FOR A DOORS TRIBUTE BAND SCATTERED ALL OVER TOWN, SO BABY HERE IS GONNA BURN THEM.
NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE WHATSOEVER.
YES, IT DOES. HERE, WATCH THE PROCESS IN ACTION.
C'MON, BABY, LIGHT MY FIRE.
THIS IS THE END, YOUR ONLY FRIEND, THE END.

... I DON'T THINK IT'LL WORK FOR OUTPATIENT STUFF, BUT FOR ALL INTENSIVE PURPOSES...
UGGH... SORRY, BUT THAT'S A REAL PET PEEVE. IT'S NOT "INTENSIVE." IT'S "INTENTS AND PURPOSES."
ANYHOW, I HEAR YOUR COUSIN'S SICK IN THE HOSPITAL. WHAT SECTION IS HE IN?
INTENTS AND CARE.
MAYBE I'LL JUST GIVE UP.
I'LL TELL THE HOSPITAL TO CHANGE ITS SIGNS.

I GOT A SUNBURN ON A ELBOW AS I WAS DRIVING WHILE SIPPING A ICED TEA AND EATING A APPLE.
PIG, WHEN A WORD STARTS WITH A VOWEL, YOU USE 'AN' IN FRONT OF IT. ANYHOW, WHERE WERE YOU HEADED?
TO AN UTAH JAZZ GAME.
IT'S SAD WHEN GRAMMAR DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE TO ME.
I HAD A INKLING YOU'D SAY THAT.

Self-Improvement Goals for the Year:
Goal 1: Make all the idiots in the world self-improve.
FINGERS CROSSED.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE MONASTERY ON THE CORNER MAKES KEYS?
I SHOULD GET SOME DUPLICATE ONES MADE.
YEAH, BUT DO IT SOON. THEY'RE CLOSING UP SHOP NEXT WEEK.
REALLY?
YEP. NO MORE MONK KEY BUSINESS.
EVEN MONKS ARE PRAYING FOR YOUR DEMISE.

YOU WORKING FROM HOME TODAY?
YEAH. HANG ON. THIS STUPID GUY'S CALLING AGAIN.
SERIOUSLY, STOP CALLING ME. IT'S ANNOYING AS @#!?*. I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE THE BOSS.
WHOA, DO YOU THINK IT'S SMART TO TALK THAT WAY TO THE GUY WHO EMPLOYS YOU?
EMPLOYS ME? BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN DOESN'T EMPLOY ME.
THE BOSS IS VERY LONELY.
SERIOUSLY, BRUCE, GET SOME FRIENDS.

THE EFFECTS OF THAT ANNOYING BURGER KING JINGLE.
HE DID THE RIGHT THING.

I JUST READ THE GREATEST BOOK ABOUT SOCIAL MEDIA CALLED 'THE CHAOS MACHINE.'
WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT IT?
IT EXPLAINS HOW THESE COMPANIES’ ALGORITHMS ARE DESIGNED TO PROMOTE CONFLICT. SO ALL THE DIVISIVE OPINIONATED ANTAGONISTIC STUFF FLOATS RIGHT TO THE TOP.
AND THE RESULTS ARE DEVASTATING. NOT JUST IN THIS COUNTRY, BUT AROUND THE WORLD. IT MAKES US ANGRY AND PARANOID AND HAS EVEN LED TO MOB VIOLENCE.
AND THE COMPANIES KNOW ALL THIS STUFF, AND PROFIT FROM IT. SO I'M GOING TO DO MY PART AND SPEND A LOT LESS TIME SCROLLING AROUND SOCIAL MEDIA ON MY PHONE.
IS HE STILL TALKING?
I WOULDN'T KNOW.
I SEE I HAD A BIG EFFECT.
WAH... LOOK AT THESE GUYS PUNCHING EACH OTHER.
GRR... I HATE PEOPLE WHO DON'T THINK LIKE ME!

CAN YOU TAKE SOME CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM?
SURE.
YOU THINK YOU'RE SO MUCH SMARTER THAN THE REST OF US, BUT REALLY YOU'RE JUST A BIG, DUMB IDIOT.
'CONSTRUCTIVE' MEANS SERVING A USEFUL PURPOSE. IN WHAT WAY IS SAYING THAT CONSTRUCTIVE?
IT MAKES ME FEEL GIDDY.
NOT SURE THAT COUNTS.

WAIT. WHAT?
WHAT DID SHE SAY?
DO YOU EVEN GET THAT?
IS THAT THE ONE WE SAW BEFORE?
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
WHY'S THE COP SAYING THAT?
IS THAT THE GIRL WHO WAS HIDING THE KEY?
CAN YOU GO BACK TEN SECONDS?
IS THAT YOUR LAST QUESTION?
NO, IT'S THIS: WHY DOESN'T ANYONE WANT TO WATCH MOVIES WITH ME?

RATS INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES
You can do anything you want to in life if you put your mind to it!

Except not die. Which is the one thing you probably want more than anything else.

So here’s a new inspirational quote: You die.

DON'T THINK THAT'LL CATCH ON.
I LIKE TO BE ACCURATE.

AND CAN WE GET YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS?
WHAT DO YOU NEED THAT FOR?
JUST SO WE HAVE A CONTACT IN CASE YOU LEAVE ANYTHING IN THE ROOM.
WHAT DO YOU REALLY NEED IT FOR?
TO SEND YOU PROMOTIONAL EMAILS FROM NOW UNTIL THE END OF TIME THAT YOU CAN'T UNSUBSCRIBE FROM EVEN IF YOU TRY A DOZEN TIMES.
IT'S NICE WHEN THEY ADMIT IT.

UNCLE SAM'S AT OUR DOOR AGAIN... HE WANTS MORE MONEY.
ALL THAT GUY DOES IS WASTE IT.
YEAH, BUT HE SAYS HE NEEDS IT FOR ESSENTIAL THINGS THIS TIME.
OH, YEAH? WELL, ASK WHAT HE NEEDS IT FOR SPECIFICALLY.
MONEY TO GAMBLE ON BEER PONG.
I'M STARTING TO DOUBT THAT GUY.

EXERCISE REGIMEN FOR THE NEW YEAR
STEP 1:
Drive to the gym every morning.
STEP 2:
Open trunk and get out gym bag.
STEP 3:
Instead of pushing the little button to automatically close the trunk, reach up and close it myself.
STEP 4:
Drive home.
SOUNDS EXHAUSTING.
IT'S ALL ABOUT SELF-DISCIPLINE.

I'VE TAKEN A LOOK AT YOUR KITCHEN AND THIS IS MY ESTIMATE.
OKAY. LEMME JUST GET MY BUILDING CONTRACTOR CONVERTER.
Contractor's Cost Estimate: $35,000
Multiply that number by 2 because that original number is nowhere close: $70,000
Contractor's Time Estimate: 4 weeks
Multiply that number by 3 because there's no $@#%&*% way that's happening: 12 weeks
Lastly, is the room being done the one that would cause the most inconvenience if not done on time?
No Yes
If yes, double time estimate: 24 weeks
WHO TAUGHT YOU OUR SECRET CODE?
EXPERIENCE.
YES, GOOD LUCK REACHING HIM ON THE PHONE.

I NOTICED YOU DIDN'T MAKE YOUR BED THIS MORNING.
YEAH, I STOPPED DOING THAT.
WHY IS THAT?
I FIGURED OUT THAT IF YOU ADD UP ALL THE TIME YOU SPEND MAKING YOUR BED EVERY MORNING, BY THE END OF YOUR LIFE IT TOTALS TWENTY-TWO YEARS.
I'D QUESTION THE MATH.
I STOPPED DOING THAT, TOO.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M 56... IT'S JUST SO STRANGE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE THINKING YOU'RE YOUNG AND ONE DAY YOU WAKE UP AND YOU'RE OLD.
YOU WENT TO BED YOUNG AND WOKE UP LOOKING LIKE THAT?
I DON'T LIKE THE DIRECTION THIS IS TAKING.
I'LL NEVER GO TO SLEEP AGAIN.
HORRIFYING, ISN'T IT?