Pearls Before Swine | Search

I'M DATING A NEW GIRL.
OHHHHH, IS SHE PRETTY?
PIG, WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO ME IS THAT SOMEBODY IS BEAUTIFUL ON THE INSIDE.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
I DEFINITELY DO.
GOATS INTO INTESTINES.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS... HOW DO THE GODS DECIDE WHAT EVENTS HAPPEN TO WHAT PEOPLE?
IS IT SOME LOGICAL EQUATION THAT TAKES INTO ACCOUNT WHO'S DONE GOOD AND WHO'S DONE EVIL? A MATHEMATICAL FORMULA BASED ON MERIT AND FAULT?
ROULETTE WHEEL.
AT LEAST THERE'S A SYSTEM.

HOW THE LIFE OF A CREATIVE PERSON GOES...
YOU COMPLETE THE WORK.
IT WAS HARD, BUT THIS IS REALLY GREAT WORK. MAYBE MY BEST YET.
SIX MONTHS LATER...
THIS IS CRAP.
TIME REVEALS ALL.
WHAT A REWARDING LIFE.

WELL, CARRIE, LOOKS LIKE YOU AND ME CAN BE FRIENDS. MIND IF I GO CHECK YOUR CAR?
WHAT--YOU JUDGE PEOPLE BY THE KIND OF CAR THEY DRIVE?
THE NUMBER OF BUMPER STICKERS.
ZERO=IDEAL
1=FINE
2=RED FLAG
3 OR MORE=
CERTIFIED NUT JOB
SHE HAD ELEVEN.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS NEW GAZE I'M TRYING OUT? TELL ME THE TRUTH.
WELL, IF I CAN BE HONEST, I REALLY DON'T LIKE THE GAZE.
YOU OFFENSIVE LITTLE @#$%*!
HOW DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN?

IS THAT A DOLL OF BEACH BOYS SINGER MIKE LOVE?
YEAH. AND A CONTRACTOR WHO NEVER SANDS ANYTHING ENOUGH. THEY'RE ARGUING OVER A PACKAGE OF PEAS.
HAHAHAHA
WHAT'S SO FUNNY 'BOUT PEAS, LOVE AND UNDER-SANDING?
THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT YOU.

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I WAS LYING IN BED YESTERDAY AND I FEEL REALLY BAD ABOUT IT.
WHY DO YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT IT?
WELL, IT'S MORALLY WRONG.
WHO SAYS IT'S MORALLY WRONG?
TO NOT TELL THE TRUTH?
WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?
YOU'RE BEING REALLY UNETHICAL.

WHEN THINGS GO REALLY WRONG IN YOUR LIFE, HOW DO YOU CHEER YOURSELF UP?
I REMEMBER ONE THING.
SOMEDAY WE ALL DIE.
I WAS LOOKING FOR SOMETHING MORE UPBEAT.
GEE, THAT'S AS CHEERY AS I GET.

WANT TO WATCH "I DREAM OF JEANNIE" WITH ME? IT'S MY THIRD TIME GOING THROUGH THE SERIES.
YOU MUST REALLY LOVE IT.
YEAH, THE ONLY THING I DON'T LOVE IS HER NAME... I'M NOT SURE WHY THEY PICKED THAT.
IT'S A PUN ON THE WORD "GENIE."
KABOOM
MISSING THE OBVIOUS CAN BE A MINDBLOWING EXPERIENCE.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHEN PEOPLE SAY THEY'RE WAITING FOR THEIR TIME TO COME, WHERE EXACTLY DO THEY DO THIS WAITING?
WHY DO YOU ASK?
BECAUSE NOT MUCH HAS BEEN HAPPENING IN MY LIVING ROOM.
HE SAYS MY MOTIVATION IS NOT WHAT IT COULD BE.

I CAN NEVER BE HAPPY.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE WHENEVER THINGS ARE GOOD, I ALWAYS THINK THAT SOMETHING BAD IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER.
SO TRUE. LIKE RIGHT NOW, THIS WHOLE BUILDING COULD COLLAPSE ON YOU AND CRUSH YOU LIKE A FIG.
I MIGHT NEED A NEW THERAPIST.

BOB WAS TIRED OF NEVER KNOWING WHAT NEWS TO TRUST.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE!
SO BOB DEVELOPED A “BALONEYOMETER”… A DEVICE THAT WOULD DING WHENEVER BOB SAW A STORY THAT WAS FALSE.
I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THIS YEARS AGO.
SO BOB TESTED IT OUT BY WATCHING NETWORK NEWS.
LOOK AT THAT! IT WORKS!
AND CABLE NEWS.
DING! DING! DING!
AND SOCIAL MEDIA.
DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!
THE BALONEYOMETER HAS LIMITS.
BOB COULDN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH.
IT’S SAFER TO JUST BELIEVE EVERYTHING!

OH GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE?
TO LOVE AND SHOW KINDNESS TO EVERYONE YOU ENCOUNTER.
BUT PEOPLE ARE MEAN AND RUDE AND ANNOYING. SO HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
LIVE ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN WHERE YOU ENCOUNTER NOBODY.
THE GUY'S FIGURED OUT EVERYTHING.

HEY, NEIGHBOR NANCY, HAVE YOU MET THE GUY WHO MOVED IN ACROSS THE STREET FROM YOU?
YEAH, HE'S A HOT YOGA INSTRUCTOR.
OHHH, TELL ME MORE.
HE TEACHES THIS TYPE OF YOGA THAT'S DONE IN A HOT AND HUMID ROOM AND IS QUITE AVERAGE-LOOKING HIMSELF.
OH.
GOTTA BE HARD TO BE A NOT-HOT, HOT YOGA INSTRUCTOR.

WHAT THE HECK'S THE CHEF
DOING? HE'S BEEN STANDING
OVER THERE HOLDING MY
BURGER FOR TWENTY MINUTES.
IT'S CALLED THE 'SLOW FOOD
MOVEMENT.'
YOU CAN'T BE PROUD OF
THIS.

HEY RAT, HOW GOES ANTARCTICA?
IT'S COLD. THERE ARE NO BARBECUE JOINTS, NO BARS, AND ONLY ONE STRIP CLUB.
IT'S ANTARCTICA. I'M SURPRISED YOU FOUND ANY STRIP CLUBS AT ALL. WHO DOES THE STRIPPING?

I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM PEOPLE. WHERE SHOULD I GO?
I GUESS THAT DEPENDS ON HOW MUCH PEOPLE ANNOY YOU.
ANTARCTICA
HOPE THEY HAVE LIQUOR STORES.

HEY, GOAT, WHAT'S THE WORD FOR WHEN ONE GUY'S PROPERTY JUST TOUCHES THE PROPERTY OF ANOTHER GUY?
ABUT?
YOUR MATURITY IS NOT WHAT IT COULD BE.

HEY, NEIGHBOR GARY... I HEAR YOU'RE DOING WELL GIVING SUCCESS SEMINARS.
YEP. $500 A POP. I CAN RESERVE A SPACE FOR YOU IF YOU'D LIKE.
WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT?
WELL, WE FOCUS FIRST ON WORK-PLACE SUCCESS... BEING IN A CAREER WITH REAL ADVANCEMENT POTENTIAL.
THEN FINANCIAL SUCCESS... MAKING LIFE-CHANGING MONEY... GENERATIONAL WEALTH.
THEN SUCCESS IN TERMS OF LEGACY... LIFE GOALS ACHIEVED... THE MARK YOU LEAVE IN THE WORLD.
I THINK SUCCESS IS JUST THE ABILITY TO ENJOY YOUR DAY.
HE KNOWS NOTHING.
YOU SAVED ME FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS!

HERE'S YOUR CHECK, SIR. IT'S $16 FOR THE SIDE SALAD, $23 FOR THE BURGER AND FRIES, AND $15 FOR THE COCKTAIL, FOR A TOTAL OF $54.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
OKAY. NOW GIVE ME THE REAL TOTAL.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO TIP 20, 25, OR 30 PERCENT?
STILL WAITING FOR THE REAL TOTAL.

ETHICS FINAL EXAM
You're on a runaway trolley headed for five people standing on the track. If you do nothing, they will all be killed.
You have it in your power to make the trolley switch tracks. But if you do, you will kill a person standing on the other track. What do you do?
Yell, 'HEY! DUM DUMS! GET OFF THE TRACKS!'
THIS IS WHY TEACHERS DRINK.
HERE'S TO THAT.

I'M HAVING OVER A FRIEND NAMED STEVIE... STEVIE NICKS
-- THE FURNITURE. SHE'S VERY CARELESS WITH WOOD SURFACES.
YOU SHOULD GO YOUR OWN WAY.

HEY, I SENT YOU THE LINK TO THAT THING.
YEAH, I GOT IT.
WHAT'D YOU THINK?
I HAVEN'T OPENED IT.
YOU SAID YOU'D TAKE A LOOK.
“I’LL TAKE A LOOK” IS TEXT-SPEAK FOR “PLEASE STOP SENDING ME STUPID LINKS.”
SOMETIMES I FEEL VERY OLD.
DON’T SEND ME LINKS ON THAT.

HEY, EILE, IT'S ME, STEPHAN... JUST CALLING TO SAY I BOUGHT THE TICKET. IF YOU WANT TO CALL ME BACK, MY NUMBER'S 707-555-0100.
JUST SO YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU CALL SOMEONE, YOUR NUMBER APPEARS RIGHT THERE ON THEIR LITTLE PHONEY PHONE.
OLD HABITS DIE HARD!
ALSO, IT'S NOT 1986 ANYMORE.