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THANKS FOR COMING IN TO THIS INTERVIEW TODAY... I ALWAYS LIKE TO BEGIN WITH THIS QUESTION...
TELL ME ABOUT A TIME YOU OVERCAME A DIFFICULT SITUATION.
GETTING OUT OF BED TO COME TO THIS STUPID INTERVIEW.
I DIDN'T GET THE JOB.

...YEAH, AND IF YOU TAKE MY SPOT AGAIN, THINGS ARE GONNA GET PHYSICAL REAL FAST!
OH, YEAH? I COULD KICK YOUR PUNY LITTLE
I'LL BASH IN YOUR WINDSHIELD YOU LOUDMOUTH!!!
WE BOTH WANTED THE SAME PARKING SPOT AT CHURCH.

HEY, PIGITA, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
NOT SO GOOD.
I'VE HAD A LIFETIME OF MAKING PAINTINGS AND SCULPTURES AND HAVE EVEN WRITTEN A BODY OF POETRY AND I HAVE NO MONEY TO SHOW FOR IT.
HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT SELLING YOUR BODY?
SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T LIKE ENCOURAGEMENT.

HEY, YOU MIND LEAVING THE ROOM? I HAVE SOMETHING TO ASK SIRI.
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? I ASK SIRI STUFF ALL THE TIME.
OKAY, FINE.
HEY, SIRI...WHAT YEAR IS THIS?
GET HELP.
I ASKED YOU TO LEAVE!

DID YOU SEE THOSE TWO AIRPLANES HAD A NEAR-MISS?
SO THEY HIT EACH OTHER?
NO.
SO IT WAS AN ACTUAL MISS?
I HATE IT WHEN YOU'RE RIGHT.
ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY 'NEAR HIT'?

Dear Sirs,
I recently bought one of your guns to protect our house from home invasion.
Last night we had a home invasion and the weapon failed to protect us.
In fact, it gave out free clothing.
HE BOUGHT A T-SHIRT CANNON.

HEY THERE, GOAT.
HELLO, NEIGHBOR NANCY.
HOW'S YOUR DAY GOING?
GOOD, GOOD.
WARM WEATHER WE'VE BEEN HAVING, HUH?
SURE IS.
GOT ANY PLANS FOR THE SUMMER?
NOPE. NO PLANS.
GOODNESS, I'M JUST GOING ON AND ON. I SHOULD GIVE SOMEONE ELSE A CHANCE TO TALK... HAHAHA...
IN 1867, ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S SON ROBERT FELT OUT OF SOME RAILROAD TRACKS AND THE MAN WHO REACHED DOWN AND SAVED HIS LIFE WAS THE BROTHER OF JOHN WILKES BOOTH.
I SHOULD GET GOING.
I'M POOR AT SMALL TALK.

THANKS FOR GOING OUT WITH ME, LINDA. THIS IS MY FIRST TINDER DATE IN A LONG TIME.
NO PROBLEM, PIG. AND IN TERMS OF LIKES AND DISLIKES, I'M REALLY NOT INTO PEOPLE WHO HAVE A LOT OF BAGGAGE. HOW ARE YOU IN THAT DEPARTMENT?
I HAVE SO MUCH BAGGAGE I COME WITH MY OWN BAGGAGE HANDLER.
HOW YA DOING, MA'AM?
SHE DOESN'T WANT A SECOND DATE.

VOCAB QUIZ
Define 'monologue.'
Fallen tree that can give you mononucleosis.
WHY'D I BECOME AN ENGLISH TEACHER AGAIN?
SUMMERS OFF. BUT IT WASN'T WORTH IT.

BEHOLD! THE GOVERNMENT PREDICTOR BOWL! JUST SHUT YOUR EYES AND GRAB A PREDICTION AND YOU'LL KNOW WHAT YOUR GOVERNMENT WILL DO NEXT.
Something you will not like.
I'M GUESSING THEY ALL SAY THAT.
THEY DO.

PIG'S
MOTIVATIONAL
THOUGHTS
Always try your best.
Never try your best.
Because if you fail, there's no hope for improvement.
HE HAS A POINT.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, PLEASE
SHARE SOME OF YOUR VAST
KNOWLEDGE OF THE UNIVERSE
WITH ME.
WHEN SOMEBODY USES THE
PHRASE "TO BE HONEST" IN A
SENTENCE, IT'S THE ONE
SENTENCE WHERE THEY'RE MOST
LIKELY TO BE LYING.
I
SUSPECTED
THAT.
ME TOO,
TO BE
HONEST.

HEY, PIG. WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE BAND RIGHT NOW?
WELL, I LIKE A COUPLE. I LIKE ARCADE FIRE...
U2?
YOU LIKE THEM TOO?
WHO?
YOU.
I LIKE U2.
I LIKE YOU TOO.
STOP!

HIYA, RAT... I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY FRIENDS.
THIS IS BINGO. THAT'S SUMMIT. AND THAT'S FLOOFY.
ACTUALLY, I'M KAREN.
BOB.
ASHLEY.
I ONLY KNOW PEOPLE BY THEIR DOGS' NAMES.

I FAIL ALL OF THE TIME.
ALWAYS. IN EVERYTHING.
WELL, PIG, ALWAYS REMEMBER...
EVERY FAILURE MAKES YOU STRONGER.
I'D PREFER TO BE WEAK AND SUCCESSFUL.

DO YOU THINK PRINT PUBLICATIONS WILL EVER GO AWAY?
HOPE NOT. WHICH IS WHY I SUPPORT MAGA...
...ZINES BY SUBSCRIBING TO THEM.
THIS COUNTRY IS MUCH TOO DIVIDED.

I THINK THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE IS TO LOVE OTHER PEOPLE.
I LOVE OTHER PEOPLE.
I JUST DON'T LIKE THEM.
YOU CAN ONLY ASK SO MUCH.

Questions I want to ask God when I die.
OH, I HAVE SUCH A LONG LIST OF THOSE QUESTIONS! I WANT TO ASK EVERYTHING FROM WHAT HAPPENED IN THE KENNEDY ASSASSINATION TO THE NATURE OF BLACK HOLES... CAN I SEE WHAT YOU HAVE?
Is it 'yogurt' or 'yoghurt'?
IT'S YOUR ONLY QUESTION.
IT'S THE ONE GREAT MYSTERY.

HEY, RAT, DO YOU STILL HAVE THAT 'JONATHAN EIG' BOOK I LOANED YOU ABOUT MARTIN LUTHER KING?
NO IDEA. AND WHO CARES? IT'S THE LAW OF LOANED BOOKS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THE BOOKS THAT YOU LOAN, YOU NO LONGER OWN.
NOT A LAW.
DON'T TELL ME YOU WANT UMBRELLAS BACK, TOO.

HEY, GOAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, KIRBY THE CUCUMBER... HE'S TRANSITIONING.
OH, VERY NICE. TO A WOMAN?
A PICKLE, YOU DUMB @#$#.
WHAT KIND OF QUESTION WAS THAT?

WE WOULD GO OUTSIDE. WE WOULD SING. WE WOULD PLAY.
WHAT'S ALL THAT?
A STORY I'M WRITING. BUT I NEED TO PUT IT INTO FEWER WORDS.
USE THE WORD 'WE'D' INSTEAD.
WAIT! NOW. USE WHAT WORD?
USE 'WE'D'! USE 'WE'D'! USE 'WE'D'!
CONTRACTIONS ARE NOT A CRIME.
PIPE DOWN, HIPPIE POTHEAD.

WELL, I JUST CRANKED OUT AN ENTIRE MOVIE SCRIPT... HAVE A LOOK...
The whole world blows up.
THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE FOR A TWO-HOUR FEATURE MOVIE? YOU NEED TO ADD MORE THAN THAT.
Two hours of silence followed.

DO YOU HAVE A LIFELONG DREAM?
YEAH, BUT IT'S A TWO-PARTER.
WHAT'S THE FIRST PART?
TO ONE DAY RUN INTO A BURNING BUILDING AND SAVE SOMEONE'S LIFE.
WHAT'S THE SECOND PART?
TO NOT BE THE GUY WHO SET THE BUILDING ON FIRE.
ALMOST A NICE SENTIMENT.
AND AT LEAST HALF OF IT IS REALISTIC.

RULES FOR HOW I'D LIKE OTHERS TO TREAT ME...
DON'T:
SOCK ME
CLOCK ME
SHOCK ME
STALK ME
OR
MOCK ME
I'D ADD 'TALK TO ME.'
I'D GET TOO LONELY.

HOW TO BE A POLITICAL CARTOONIST WHEN SOMEONE FAMOUS DIES...
Draw deceased person with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
Add lame reference to person's career.
Welcome to the "Pearly Before Swine" Gates!
CONGRATS! YOU'RE NOW A POLITICAL CARTOONIST!
DO YOU HAVE TO USE ME AS THE EXAMPLE OF THE DEAD GUY?
TRUE. YOU SHOULDN'T BE GOING TO HEAVEN.