Pearls Before Swine | Search

OH, GREAT WISE ASS. I HAVE A CRISIS ON MY HANDS AND I'M HOPING TO GET YOUR ADVICE.
WELL, THE FIRST THING YOU SHOULD ALWAYS DO IS PAUSE AND TAKE A DEEP BREATH.
THEN LOOK AT THE SITUATION AS CALMLY AND OBJECTIVELY AS POSSIBLE, CONSIDERING ALL YOUR OPTIONS.
THEN TAKE A NIGHT OR TWO TO SLEEP ON THOSE OPTIONS BECAUSE WITH TIME, ALL THINGS BECOME CLEAR.
PAUSING'S NOT ALWAYS THE BEST SOLUTION.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GOAT! HOP IN MY CAR - I'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU TO LUNCH.
THANK YOU! THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
TWO HOURS LATER...
HERE'S YOUR CHECK.
CAN YOU DIVIDE IT INTO TWO? WE'RE SPLITTING IT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE TAKING ME TO LUNCH FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
I DID. YOU GOT IN MY CAR AND I TOOK YOU TO LUNCH.
NOT WHAT THAT MEANS.
SHOOT...FORGOT MY WALLET. MIND PICKING UP THE WHOLE THING?

YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH POLITICS THESE DAYS?
WHAT'S THAT?
THAT THERE ARE ONLY THESE TWO CAMPS. AND WHICHEVER ONE YOU PICK, YOU HAVE TO AGREE WITH EVERYTHING THEY THINK OR DO, OR ELSE YOU'LL BE CRUSHED.
YOU DISCUSSING PRISON LIFE?
NO.
ALWAYS BEFRIEND THE BIG GUY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
THIS NEW THING CALLED THE "GOODNESS SCALE." YOU TAKE YOUR AGE AND MULTIPLY IT BY THE NUMBER OF TRULY GOOD THINGS YOU'VE DONE IN YOUR LIFE, THEN SEE HOW YOU RATE.
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU MULTIPLY SOMETHING BY ZERO?
SOMEONE I SHOULD RUN FROM.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
MY NEW DRINK MIXER. IT MAKES EVERY COCKTAIL TASTE BETTER.
WHAT DO YOU CALL IT?
UMBRAGE. SO IF YOU WANT IT, YOU TELL THE BARTENDER, ‘HEY, PAL! I TAKE UMBRAGE WITH THAT!’
I'M HOPING IT LEADS TO FISTICUFFS.

HOW'S YOUR DAY GOING, RAT?
NOT GOOD. I WAS DRIVING AND THIS WOMAN STARTED YELLING AND SHAKING HER FIST AT ME.
GOSH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE THESE DAYS. THEY'RE SO RUDE. WHAT WAS SHE EVEN YELLING ABOUT?
ME TAKING A SHORTCUT TO THE LIQUOR STORE BY DRIVING THROUGH HER FRONT YARD.
PEOPLE GET RUDER EVERY DAY.

HEY, RAT. HOW YOU DOING TODAY?
I'M PRETTY GRUNTLED.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S THE OPPOSITE OF DISGRUNTLED. IT MEANS, 'HAPPY. CONTENTED.'
WHY DOESN'T ANYONE EVER USE THE WORD?
BECAUSE WE'RE ALL SO BUSY BEING @#@!!@&* DISGRUNTLED.
I'M GONNA START BEING GRUNTLED.
GOOD LUCK.

HI. CAN I GET A DECAF LATTE?
WHAT SIZE?
LARGE.
FLAVORED?
NO.
HOT OR COLD?
HOT. IS WHOLE MILK OKAY?
YES. FOR HERE OR TO GO?
TO GO.
CAN I GET A NAME WITH THAT?
SURE.
GUY WHO DIDN'T THINK BUYING COFFEE WOULD INVOLVE MORE QUESTIONS THAN A JOB INTERVIEW.
I'LL JUST WRITE "GUY."
THAT'S MR. GUY TO YOU.

IS THAT YOU, PIG?
YES.
I BINGED SO MANY EPISODES IN A ROW
OF WHITE LOTUS THAT I LOST ALL
MUSCLE MASS AND SLIPPED BETWEEN
THE COUCH CUSHIONS.
TELL MY FAMILY I'M IN A BETTER
PLACE.

HIYA. WELCOME TO THE WARMEST SPOT IN THE AFTERLIFE.
HEL? WHAT'D I DO TO DESERVE THIS?
YOU NEVER CLEANED OUT THE GARAGE, BOB.
SPOUSES EVERYWHERE APPROVE.

HI. I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM.
SORRY... OUR RESTROOMS ARE RESERVED FOR CUSTOMERS ONLY.
HERE'S FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS... GIMME THE BEST STEAK YOU HAVE.
WHEN YOU GOTTA GO, YOU GOTTA GO.

The reason the Fall is called that is because it was a nice autumn day when Adam and Eve ate the apple and fell from grace.
That's not true.
Oh, I know.
But now that I've posted it on the internet, millions of people will cite it as fact and no one will know WHAT the truth is.
The internet was a mistake.

HEY, MONEYBAGS McGEE... I HEAR YOU'RE GIVING OUR FAIR CITY A NEW MUSEUM, A NEW OPERA HOUSE, AND A NEW HYDROELECTRIC DAM.
DAM?
I DON'T GIVE A DAM.
THAT'S A PROBLEMATIC WORD.
DAM?
RIGHT.

IS THAT YOU, PIG?
RAT? WHY ARE YOU DRESSED AS A FIST?
IT SENDS A MESSAGE TO THE WORLD... "STAY OUT OF MY WAY OR ELSE."
HOW SMART. MAYBE I'LL TRY THAT TOO.
FEELS POWERFUL, DOESN'T IT?
IT DOES.

HELP WANTED
I'M INTERESTED IN THE JOB YOU'RE OFFERING. WHAT'S IT INVOLVE?
I'M CREATING A LINE OF FAMOUS PSYCHOLOGISTS AND PSYCHIATRISTS, AND I NEED YOU TO HELP ME.
HOW DO YOU SAY THIS GUYS NAME?
KARL JUNG. IT'S PRONOUNCED "YUNG". OH, AND YOU SHOULD KNOW ONE THING ABOUT THE JOB.
SINCE YOU'D BE A NOVICE, I'D HAVE YOU DEVELOP SOME OF THE LESSER KNOWN PEOPLE AND LEAVE THE MORE FAMOUS ONES TO BE DONE BY OUR EXPERIENCED EMPLOYEES WHO ARE GOOD AT IT.
SO WOULD I START WITH THIS ONE?
KARL JUNG? NO NO. HE'S ONE OF THE MOST FAMOUS PSYCHIATRISTS OF ALL TIME.
ONLY THE GOOD DIE YUNG.
I HAVE A FREUDIAN URGE TO KILL MY CARTOONIST.

HOW'S RAT'S JURY DUTY GOING?
NOT WELL... HE THINKS HIS FELLOW JURORS ARE A BIT DUMB.
WELL, I HOPE HE DOESN'T SAY THAT TO THEM.
NO, I THINK HE'S TRYING TO BE AS DIPLOMATIC AS POSSIBLE.
IF I SHAKE YOUR HEAD HARD, DO YOU THINK IT WILL JUMPSTART YOUR BRAIN?

I HEAR YOU GOT THROWN OFF THE JURY FOR WRITING COMIC STRIPS WHILE IN COURT.
YEAH. I GOT REPLACED BY AN ALTERNATE JUROR.
DO YOU KNOW WHO REPLACED YOU?
NO, BUT I HOPE WHOEVER IT IS FUNCTIONS WELL WITH THE OTHER JURORS.
NOW EVERYONE SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO THE SMART GUY.

STEPHAN HAS JURY SERVICE
AND THAT'S MY TESTIMONY YOUR HONOR...
EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT WHILE I TALK TO ONE OF THE JURORS.
JUROR NUMBER EIGHT... YOU SEEM TO BE TAKING A LOT OF NOTES, BUT IT'S ALSO IMPORTANT TO LISTEN TO THE TESTIMONY BEING OFFERED.
HE'S NOT TAKING NOTES, YOUR HONOR... HE'S DRAWING A COMIC STRIP.
WELL, AREN'T YOU A NICE LITTLE NARC.
I PREFER "FAMILY CIRCUS."

BEFORE WE BEGIN SELECTING THE JURY, I NEED TO KNOW IF ANY OF YOU HAVE ANY HARDSHIPS THAT WOULD PREVENT YOU FROM SERVING AS JURORS.
YES, YOUR HONOR, I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR CREATING A DAILY COMIC STRIP.
DON'T CARE.
I'M BLIND!
I'M DEAF!
I HATE COPS!
I'M A RACIST!
MY CAT'S SICK!
I THINK EVERYONE IS GUILTY!
I'M ON A JURY.

WHY IS EVERYONE SO QUIET TODAY?
OUR CREATOR, STEPHAN PASTIS, GOT CALLED IN FOR JURY DUTY, SO HE CAN’T WRITE ANY JOKES.
HALLELUJAH!
IT’S RARE WHEN YOU HEAR ALL THE PEOPLES OF THE WORLD REJOICE.

WELL, GUYS, YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE IT. BUT I -- YOUR BELOVED CREATOR -- GOT CALLED IN FOR JURY DUTY.
SO WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
WELL, SADLY, IT MEANS I WON'T BE ABLE TO TELL ANY OF MY USUAL JOKES TODAY.
BEST STRIP WE'VE HAD ALL YEAR.

HEY, STEPH, YOU SEEM SO MUCH CALMER AND MORE CENTERED THESE DAYS. WHAT DO YOU ATTRIBUTE THAT TO?
I THINK IT'S JUST ABOUT ENJOYING THE MOMENT. AND IT ALL STARTS WITH MY MORNING ROUTINE.
WHAT'S YOUR ROUTINE?
WELL, I WAKE UP, DO A LITTLE READING IN BED, THEN GO AND MAKE SOME COFFEE.
THEN I SIT IN MY KITCHEN AND EAT MY BAGEL AND BANANA AND BLUEBERRIES.
THEN I GO FOR A NICE WALK ALONG A CREEK BY MY STUDIO. TO THINK A LITTLE AND MAKE A SECOND CUP OF COFFEE.
NOT TODAY YOU WON'T. I BORROWED YOUR COFFEE MAKER TO TAKE WITH ME TO A BEACH HOUSE I'M RENTING.
THE COFFEE MAKER WAS EVERY DAY???
DON'T YOU EVER MESS WITH MY MORNING ROUTINE YOU LITTLE GO%#@!!
MAYBE YOU'RE NOT THAT CALM.
IF YOU DON'T MESS WITH MY ROUTINE, I AM!!

HEY, PIG.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
MY BOSS FIRED ME, THE BANK REPOSSESSED MY CAR, AND EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY IS MAD AT ME.
TAP TAP TAP
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TRYING TO UNSUBSCRIBE FROM LIFE.
NOT AN OPTION.
DOESN'T WORK WITH JUNK MAIL EITHER.

DO YOU HAVE ANY HOPE FOR THIS COUNTRY EVER BEING UNITED AGAIN?
I DO. TO QUOTE LINCOLN, I HAVE HOPE THAT EACH OF US WILL TURN TO THE BETTER ANGELS OF OUR NATURE.
WHAT IF YOU HAVE NO ANGELS AT ALL?
NEVER MIND.
I HAVE SOME DEVILS I CAN CONTRIBUTE.

I HEAR RAT'S FIGHTING WITH NEIGHBOR BOB.
YEAH. RAT PUT UP OUR HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS, AND BOB TRIED TO TOP THEM BY PUTTING UP ONE OF THOSE 12-FOOT-HIGH SKELETONS.
WELL, I DON'T THINK HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS ARE MEANT TO BE A COMPETITION.
I DON'T KNOW IF RAT WOULD NECESSARILY AGREE.
IN YOUR GHOULISH FACE, BOB.