Pearls Before Swine | Search

Dear God,
I don't know who
here runs things for
you or how much they
keep you informed.
But a lot of times
bad things happen to
good people and
good things happen to
bad people.
I'm thinking
maybe somebody
missed a memo.
EMPLOYERS LOVE FEEDBACK.

OH, GREAT, YOU'VE GONE FULL COMMIE... WHAT ARE YOU PROPOSING NOW?
IT'S NOT COMMUNIST. I JUST THINK WE SHOULD RAISE THE TAXES OF PEOPLE WHO MAKE A BILLION DOLLARS A YEAR.
YEAH? RAISE THEM HOW MUCH?
FROM 37% TO 42%.
FORTY-TWO PERCENT? YOU WANNA TAX THEM THE HIGHEST THEY'VE EVER BEEN TAXED IN THE HISTORY OF THE COUNTRY? THIS IS AMERICA, NOT THE LAND OF TROTSKY!!
IN THE 1950s, THE TOP TAX BRACKET WAS 90%.
EVER FEEL LIKE YOU LEARNED NOTHING IN HIGH SCHOOL?
I CARRIED MYSELF LOTS.

I FORGOT TO CHECK ALL MY SOCIAL MEDIA APPS THIS MORNING.
WAIT. ASK YOURSELF IF YOU'D BE HAPPIER IF YOU DO.
THAT'S SMART. I WILL NOT.
GREAT.
GREAT.

DID YOU SEE ALL THE SAILORS IN TOWN?
YEAH. IT MUST BE FLEET WEEK OR SOMETHING.
YEAH, THERE'S SEAMEN EVERYWHERE!
COMIC STRIP OVER.
DID YOU HAVE A BAD EXPERIENCE WITH SEAMEN?

PIG AND I GOT A STORAGE UNIT.
BUT IS THAT SMART?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, YOU PAY X AMOUNT FOR WHERE YOU LIVE AND THEN YOU PAY EXTRA FOR A STORAGE UNIT.
THE STORAGE UNIT IS WHERE WE'RE GONNA LIVE.
OH.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE COST OF HOUSING?

HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR MOM LATELY?
NO.
YOU SHOULD REALLY GO VISIT HER.
I LOVE MY MOTHER, BUT SHE WATCHES THE SAME CABLE NEWS CHANNEL THE ENTIRE DAY. IT'S ON VERY LOUD. AND SHE THINKS I'M A FAILURE.
MOMS CAN BE COMPLICATED.
THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT THE TV DROWNS OUT THE INSULTS.

Dear High School Reunion Committee,
Thank you for inviting me to our reunion.
Unfortunately, I will not be able to attend, as my mansion is stuffed with so much money, I can't find the front door.
P.S. My butler wrote this.
STILL FEEL THE NEED TO IMPRESS YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CLASSMATES?
WHEN DOES IT END?

HEY, RAT. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HEARD, BUT WE HAD TO LAY OFF JOAQUIN.
YOU GAVE HIM HIS JOAQUIN PAPERS?
YOU'RE JOAQUIN ON THIN ICE.

SON, TODAY I'M GONNA TEACH YOU HOW TO IDENTIFY A NEW BIRD - THE TERN.
I JUST WANT TO LOOK FOR PORPOISES.
THERE'LL BE A TIME FOR THAT, BUT FOR NOW, FOCUS ON THE TERN. THEY'RE GRAY ON THE TOP AND WHITE BELOW, WITH A BLACK CAP FOR THE HEAD.
AND HERE'S A BIG CLUE - WHEREVER AT THE SEA, WHERE TERNS TYPICALLY LIVE, SO IF YOU SEE A BIRD THAT LOOKS LIKE THAT AT THE SEA, IT'S PROBABLY A TERN.
HEY, LOOK. THERE'S A BIRD RIGHT THERE. TELL ME WHAT IT IS.
SEAGULL?
SON, PLEASE FOCUS.
PELICAN? CAN WE LOOK FOR PORPOISES NOW?
TERN! TERN! TERN! THERE IS A SEA SON! TERN! TERN! TERN! AND A TIME FOR EVERY PORPOISE!
THIS STRIP IS FOR THE BIRDS.
BYRDS.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE KEY TO BEING A GOOD PERSON?
LOVING OTHERS.
I CAN DO THAT.
GREAT.
EXCEPT FOR ARROGANT MORONS. THEY'VE GOT IT COMING.
LOVE HAS TO HAVE LIMITS.

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW WHEN PEOPLE SAY THEY DON'T CARE, THEY CARE?
IF THEY DON'T CARE, THEY DON'T SAY WHETHER OR NOT THEY CARE.
BUT IF THEY DO SAY I DON'T CARE, THEY DO CARE.
I DON'T CARE.
WHICH MEANS YOU DO CARE.

HEY THERE, RAT. I—
BEFORE YOU GREET ME IN THE MORNING, PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF MY MOOD.
HOW WOULD I KNOW YOUR MOOD?
BY THE AMOUNT OF COFFEE I ANTICIPATE NEEDING TO GET THROUGH MY DAY.
I THINK WE SHOULD AVOID RAT TODAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
PUTTING ON A PLAY ABOUT A FAMILY OF BEECH TREES. HERE IS PLAYING THE SON. READ HIM SOME LINES, FRED.
'YOU BETTER NOT DO THAT AGAIN, JUNIOR, OR YOU'RE GROUNDED.'
NO, FRED, NOT THE DAD. YOU'RE THE SON... THE SON OF A BEECH...
'OKAY, THIS STRIP IS OVER.'
WHAT ARE YOU ENDING IT FOR?
STOP BEING A WHINY BEECH.

I JUST SPENT LONGER THAN I NEEDED TO FILLING THE GAS TANK ON MY RENTAL CAR BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT SIDE THE TANK WAS ON.
YOU KNOW HOW THE GAS GAUGE ON YOUR CAR HAS A LITTLE PICTURE OF A GAS PUMP ON IT? NEXT TO IT IS AN ARROW THAT SHOWS WHAT SIDE THE TANK IS ON.
KABOOM
LIFE IS FULL OF MIND-BLOWING DISCOVERIES.

GOALS FOR THE WEEK
Get to Friday without killing anyone.
SOME WEEKS THAT'S THE BEST YOU DO.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?
JOB TRAINING.
FOR WHAT KIND OF JOB?
FORKLIFT OPERATOR.
NO ONE WANTS YOUR OFFENSIVE TIP SCREEN!
ONLY CHEAPOS DON’T TIP THEIR CARTOONIST!
WHERE’S THE PAY ME FOR HAVING TO LISTEN OPTION?

HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT MORE AND MORE VIDEOS ON SOCIAL MEDIA AREN'T REAL, BUT ARE CREATED BY A.I.?
YEAH, I THINK IT'S GREAT.
WHY DO YOU THINK IT'S GREAT?
BECAUSE IN ABOUT TWO YEARS, NO ONE WILL EVER TRUST THEIR EYES AND I CAN GET AWAY WITH MURDER.
YOU'RE WHY I CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT.
HEY, I CAN FINALLY BE PRESIDENT.

HEY, BRITISH BOB, HOW ARE YOUR SIBLINGS?
MY BROTHER'S IN HOSPITAL. MY SISTER'S AT UNIVERSITY.
THAT RAISES A BIG QUESTION.
WHAT'S THAT?
IS THERE A SHORTAGE OF THE WORD "THE" IN BRITAIN?
I'LL REMIND YOU WE INVENTED THE LANGUAGE.
IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE AT STORE.

HOW WAS YOUR MORNING, PIG?
GOOD. I DEBATED SOME PEOPLE ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
I THINK I MADE SOME REALLY GOOD POINTS THAT MIGHT HAVE CHANGED SOME MINDS.
STUDIES SUGGEST THAT BETWEEN 20% AND 68% OF THE COMMENTS ON SOCIAL MEDIA ARE BY BOTS.
I NEED SOME NEW HOBBIES.

HOW COME WHEN YOU TEXT ME, YOUR TONE ALWAYS SEEMS SO BORED?
PROBABLY BECAUSE I DON'T USE A LOT OF EXCLAMATION POINTS.
YEAH. WHY DON'T YOU USE THEM?
BECAUSE YOU USE SO MANY YOU CREATED A SHORTAGE.
SOME THINGS YOU JUST DON'T SAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING RAT?
SELLING MY PEOPLE-SWATTERS. THE LINE IS AROUND THE BLOCK.
ALL FOR SWATTING PEOPLE WHO TALK TO YOU IN THE MORNING?
YEAH, BUT NOW I'VE BROADENED ITS USE TO CO-WORKERS, BAD RELATIVES, AND PEOPLE WHO INVITE YOU TO DESTINATION WEDDINGS.
HE'S GONNA BE A KAZILLIONAIRE!
CAN YOU USE IT ON PEOPLE WHO PARK OVER THE WHITE LINES?
I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.

MY NEW YEAR'S STRATEGY FOR BEING THE MOST ATTRACTIVE GUY WHEREVER I GO.
BY PIG
Only hang out with unattractive people.
I RESENT THE IMPLICATION.
I'LL START TOMORROW.

RAT, I JUST SAW A VIDEO OF YOU AT THE CITY COUNCIL MEETING ARGUING AGAINST A CAFE I'M TRYING TO BUILD.
OH, YEAH, I SAW THAT, TOO. IT LOOKS REAL, BUT IT WAS GENERATED BY A.I.
HEY, MY RING CAM JUST SHOWED ME A VIDEO OF YOU STEALING ONE OF MY PACKAGES!
YEP. BUT IT WASN'T REAL. IT WAS A.I.
HEY, RAT, DID I SEE A VIDEO OF YOU HOLDING MY WIFE AT A COLDPLAY CON-
A.I!
WHEN ANYTHING CAN BE DOUBTFUL, THE DOUBTFUL CAN DO ANYTHING.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES. I'D LIKE TO PATENT THIS.
LOOKS LIKE A FLYSWATTER.
WRONG. IT'S NOT FOR SWATTING FLIES.
WHAT'S IT SWAT?
STRANGERS WHO START UP CONVERSATIONS BEFORE MY FIRST CUP OF COFFEE.
APPARENTLY, YOU CAN'T PATENT ASSAULT.

WHATS WITH THE FLYSWATTER? I DON'T HAVE FLIES IN MY DINER.
IT'S NOT FOR FLIES.
THEN WHATS IT FOR?
PEOPLE WHO START UP CONVERSATIONS BEFORE MY FIRST CUP OF COFFEE.
SURE IS HOT WEATHER WE'RE—
THIS COULD SOLVE ALL OF SOCIETY'S PROBLEMS.