Pearls Before Swine | Search

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THESE SOAP OPERA STRIPS. ALL THEY DO IS EXTEND OUT NORMAL CONVERSATIONS, ITALICIZE EVERY THIRD WORD, SHOW A BUNCH OF CLOSE-UPS, AND END WITH A SHOT OF SOME IDIOT STARING AT A PHONE.
...YOU MEAN-
YES!...
I THINK...
WE COULD DO THAT!...
...BUT WHAT ABOUT...
THE NARRATOR-?!
YES!
GOT IT...PARTNER!
AND DON'T FORGET...
WHAT?!
...THE PHONE!
WILL IT...RING?!
TO BE CONTINUED...

ZEBRA IS SUED BY THE CROCS:
THE DEPOSITION.
NOW THAT THE PLAINTIFF HAS BEEN SWORN IN, I'D LIKE TO BEGIN ASKING MY QUESTIONS... SIR, PLEASE STATE YOUR NAME.
I OBJECT. I OBJECT TO YOU. I OBJECT TO YOUR FACE. AND YOUR MAMA'S FAT.
THIS COULD GET CONTENTIOUS.

ZEBRA IS SUED BY THE CIRCUS
I DON'T GET IT, COUNSELOR. YOUR CLIENTS ARE SUING THE ZEBRA FOR "FAILURE TO BE FOOD". BUT WHY CAN'T THEY JUST HUNT HIM DOWN LIKE OTHER PREDATORS DO?
BECAUSE, YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENTS ARE IDIOTS... MORONS, DOOFUSES, DUNDERHEADS, FOOLS, BUFFOONS, BONEHEADS, HALF-WITS, NUMSKULLS, SIMPLETONS, STOOGES, FATHEADS, CHUMPS, CLOWNS, CRETINS...
Dat problee enough.

SO WHAT'S YOUR STRATEGY FOR DEFENDING ME?
I'LL MAKE A MOTION TO COMPEL THE CROCS' DEPOSITIONS. THAT'S WHERE I ASK 'EM STUFF UNDER OATH.
WHAT IF THEY REFUSE TO ANSWER?
I MAKE PRETTY COMPELLING MOTIONS.

IS IT REALLY TRUE YOU'RE SUING THE ZEBRA, DAD?
Oh, yes, son. See, in Amereeeca, when you want someeteng, you juss sue.
BUT THAT SEEMS UNFAIR...ZEBRA'S DONE NOTHING WRONG...THAT WOULD BE LIKE ME SUING MY SCHOOL DISTRICT JUST TO GET BETTER GRADES.
Ohh, son... You get it... Legal system is like Lotto, only wid better odds and no ping pong balls!!
ABOUT THAT SCHOOL DISTRICT...
NO THANKS.
Scratch and ween, son! Scratch and ween!

ZEBRA IS SUED BY THE CROCS
FIRST THING WE GOTTA
DO IS CALL OPPOSING
COUNSEL AND EXPLORE
SETTLEMENT OPTIONS.
BEEP
BEEP
BOP
HELLO… COUNSELOR? …
SETTLE OR I FIREBOMB
YOUR OFFICE.
SETTLE OR I BEAT
YOU SILLY.
THAT DIDN'T
GO WELL.

I HEAR ZEBRA GOT SUED BY THE CROCS.
YEAH. THEY SAY HE "WILLFULLY FAILED" TO BE THEIR FOOD, AND THAT TWO-FACED FRIEND OF YOURS, RAT, IS REPRESENTING THEM.
THAT'S AWFUL. WHAT'S ZEBRA GONNA DO?
HIRE HIS OWN ATTORNEY. SOMEONE TOUGH... SOMEONE RUTHLESS... SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T MESS AROUND...
YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT DUCK.

WHAT'S THAT, ZEBRA?
A SUMMONS...I'M BEING SUED BY THOSE STUPID ******* CROCODILES!
WHAT?...WHAT ARE THEY SUING YOU FOR?
DEFENDANT

HOW COME EVERYONE SPENDS SO MUCH TIME FOCUSING ON HOW TO PROLONG THEIR LIVES AND SO LITTLE TIME ON HOW TO ACTUALLY LIVE THEIR LIVES?
IT'S SO STRANGE... IT'S LIKE OBSESSING ABOUT THE AMOUNT OF GAS LEFT IN YOUR TANK WHILE SPEEDING DOWN A HIGHWAY TO NOWHERE... WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW WHY PEOPLE DO THAT?
WHAT I'D LIKE TO KNOW IS HOW I WOUND UP IN A DR. PHIL INFOMERCIAL.
NEVER MIND.

THE ADVENTURES OF EGO-MAN, DEFENDER OF ONLY HIMSELF.
HELP! HELP! I'M BEING MUGGED!
EGO-MAN! SAVE ME! I'M BEING MUGGED!
YES. BUT HOW DOES THIS AFFECT ME?
I GUESS IT DOESN'T.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
BEHOLD! I AM EGO-MAN
YOU'RE A SUPERHERO?
YES, BUT WITH A UNIQUE APPROACH TO HELPING OTHERS.
WHICH IS?
I DON'T.
OH, LORD.
EGO-MAN: DEFENDER OF ONLY HIMSELF.

Zeeba neighba? Dat you?
What the?? What have you done to my house??
We go Home Depot. Spend savings on breek and ceement. Cover you doors and weendows. Now you trapped. Now we keel you.
AND HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET IN?
Dis not proudest moment.

RAT, THIS IS SAM. HE'S LOOK- ING FOR A JOB. SAM IS ONE OF THE MOST UNIQUE AND EXOTIC BIRDS IN ALL OF NORTH AMERICA.
HE'S A PIGEON.
THAT'S ONE PADDED RÉSUMÉ.

THE CROCODILE'S INNATE ABILITY TO REMAIN MOTIONLESS FOR HOURS IS THE KEY TO HIS DEADLY HUNTING PROWESS
TO THE UNSUSPECTING PREY, HE APPEARS AS NOTHING MORE THAN AN INANIMATE PART OF THE PREY'S NATURAL ENVIRONMENT

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT...ALL THIS TIME HAS PASSED AND I STILL CAN'T GET OVER THE 'SOPRANOS' ENDING...ONLY THE SCREEN JUST WENT BLACK...
OH, WOW...YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING...I'M PERSONAL FRIENDS WITH THE WRITER, DAVID CHASE...MATTER OF FACT, HE'S HERE NOW...
OHMYGOD! DAVID CHASE! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT...YOU'VE GOT TO TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!
HAHAHA...NO PROBLEM...WELL, AFTER THE FELLA IN THE MEMBERS-ONLY JACKET MAKES THAT TURN TOWARD THE RESTROOM, HE ---
HECKUVA TIME FOR AN INK SPILL...
I'M...GONNA...KILL...YOU...

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
THE CLASSIFIEDS. I'M LOOKING FOR A USED CAR. THIS CHEVY VEGA LOOKS CHEAP.
OH, THOSE CARS ARE THE BEST... YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT IN THEM AND NOT WORRY ABOUT A THING.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS STAYS IN VEGAS.
MAYBE I GOT THAT WRONG.

I'VE DECIDED TO FIND ALL MY ENEMIES AND TELL THEM I FORGIVE THEM.
GOOD FOR YOU, RAT...WHY'D YOU DECIDE TO DO THAT?
TO GIVE MY VENGEANCE THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE.

WHAT'S WITH THE OUTFIT, JUNIOR?
I'VE DECIDED THAT COWS SHOULD REALLY START WEARING CLOTHES.. IT'S JUST NOT CIVILIZED TO WALK AROUND WITHOUT PANTS.
WHAT'S YOUR DAD THINK?
WOOHOOO
HE'S RESISTING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING BEING A LAWYER? I THOUGHT YOU WERE MAKING PLENTY OF CASH PUBLISHING A TABLOID.
I WAS. BUT I GOT BORED.
SO I ASKED MYSELF, WHAT JOB ALLOWS ME TO MAKE A GOOD LIVING WHILE HELPING OTHERS AND FURTHERING THE CAUSE OF JUSTICE?
*snicker*
*snicker*
*snicker*
I ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN I SAY THAT.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND... YOU GUYS GET DIVORCED AND YOUR WIVES OWE YOU ALL THIS SUPPORT... BUT YOU'RE PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF GOING OUT AND HUNTING YOURSELVES.
We had a good lawyer.
I TRY NOT TO BRAG.

Alright now...
Slowly...
Slowly...
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
The wives left us. We lost our household's primary prey-earners.
SO WHAT'S THAT?
Court-ordered support.
Want some?
NO THANKS.

HULLOOOO, ZEEBA NEIGHBA…
HOW YOU LIKE TRY "BOX O’ FUNN”?
WHY WOULD I STEP INTO A BOX OF CROCODILES?
IS BOX O’ FUNN!
NO CAN YOU SEE?
YEAH, I SEE… BUT WHY WOULD I BELIEVE IT?
BECUSS IT PRINT-ED RIGHT DERE IN WORDS.
DAT MAKE IT TRUE.
OKAY THEN…
Me want get out now.

WHO'S THAT?
WILHELM. THE AQUATIC LAMB.
SINCE WHEN DO LAMBS LIVE IN THE OCEAN?
SINCE WILHELM CONVINCED HIS ENTIRE FLOCK TO MOVE THERE AS A WAY TO ESCAPE THE WOLVES.
WHERE'S HIS FLOCK?
THE SHARKS ATE THEM.
POOR LEADERSHIP SKILLS.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY NEW iPHONE?
IS THAT THE ONE THAT LETS YOU SURF THE INTERNET AND LISTEN TO MUSIC?
YES, AND IF YOU PRESS THIS BUTTON, IT DOES YOUR LAUNDRY AND BRINGS YOU A BEER.
NOW THAT'S A PHONE.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
A SHORT STORY. I THINK IF I WORK REALLY HARD, I CAN GET IT PUBLISHED.
AND MONKEYS WILL FLY OUT OF MY BUM.
CURSE THAT CONNIE THE JUDGMENTAL COW.