Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHERE’S RAT TODAY?
HE’S OUT TRYING TO CAPTURE THE AGE 30 TO 55 FEMALE DEMOGRAPHIC.
SAY WHAT?
HE DID SOME RESEARCH AND FOUND THAT OUR STRIP’S HOTTEST DEMOGRAPHIC IS WOMEN BETWEEN THE AGES OF 30 AND 55.
WHY DON’T THEY LIKE US?
WE’RE TOO CYNICAL...TOO DARK...THEY’RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE UPLIFTING.
SO WHAT’S HE GONNA DO?
HE SAYS WE’RE GONNA FIND SOMETHING THAT APPEALS TO THAT DEMOGRAPHIC AND JUST RIP IT OFF.
DIDN’T WE GET SUED?
THAT’S WHAT I SAID. BUT HE SAYS THE TRANSFORMATION WILL BE SO GRADUAL AND SUBTLE THAT THEY WON’T EVEN NOTICE THE CHANGED FORMAT, MUCH LESS FIGURE OUT IF WE’RE RIPPING IT OFF.
OPRAT OPRAT OPRAT OPRAT OPRAT
OH, THANK YOU, OPRAT.
JUST BE THE BEST YOU YOU CAN BE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M SELLING SOMETHING ON E-BAY.
WHAT THE-?? YOU'RE SELLING A PRINT OF EDWARD MUNCH'S "THE SCREAM" FOR ELEVEN MILLION DOLLARS??
...IT'S NOT A PRINT.
...LONG STORY.

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM... YOU'RE A MODEL, AREN'T YOU?
YES. HOW'D YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE I BOUGHT A FRAME AND YOUR PHOTO CAME WITH IT. I WOULD HAVE REPLACED IT WITH A PHOTO OF A FRIEND, BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS. SO INSTEAD, I PRETEND YOU'RE MY FRIEND, AND KISS THE PHOTO AS I HOLD THE FRAME AND CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT.
SHE MUSTA' BEEN IN A HURRY.

AND HAVE YOU SEEN "THE ENGLISH PATIENT"? IT'S WONDERFUL. I MEAN, THE STORY IS EXCELLENT. IT STARTS OUT IN THIS... THIS... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M HOLDING MY IMAGINARY REMOTE AND TRYING TO TIVO MY WAY THROUGH YOUR CONVERSATION... IT'S NOT SUCCESSFUL, BUT STILL, IT BRINGS ME COMFORT.
...YOU MUST NOT LIKE TIVO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
STUDYING ANTS WITH MY MAGNIFYING GLASS... I'M VERY CAREFUL TO GIVE THEM THEIR DISTANCE, SO AS TO NOT ALTER THEIR NORMAL BEHAVIOR AND CHARACTERISTICS.
CRACKLE CRACKLE CRACKLE SSSSSSS
I THINK I ALTERED SOMETHING.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF PHYSICIAN-ASSISTED
SUICIDE?
I THINK
IT'S WRONG.
WHY DO
YOU THINK
IT'S WRONG?
BECAUSE DOCTORS ARE
GOOD AND WE SHOULDN'T
HELP THEM KILL
THEMSELVES.
I THINK
I'M
GETTING
SMARTER.

LOOK AT THESE COMMERCIALS... THEY OFFER THESE GREAT DEALS, BUT HIDE THE IMPORTANT DETAILS IN THIS TINY LANGUAGE THAT YOU CAN BARELY READ.
WHO KNOWS WHAT THOSE LYING WEASELS ARE TRYING TO BURY IN THAT MORASS OF UNREADABLE TEXT?
YOU SAID IT.

CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?
YEAH... TAKE THESE ONIONS AND CUT THEM UP.
OH, I CAN'T CUT ONIONS... EVERY TIME I TRY, IT MAKES ME SO SAD, I CRY.
THAT'S NOT WHY YOU CRY. YOU CRY BECAUSE ONIONS RELEASE LITTLE SULFUR COMPOUNDS THAT IRRITATE YOUR EYES.
OH, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT... I THINK THAT IF SOMETHING MAKES YOU CRY WHEN YOU CUT IT, YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING WRONG AND YOU NEED TO STOP.
FINE, MORON... THEN CUT THE TOMATOES...
BAMBI'S MOM!
YOUR GRANDMA'S FUNERAL!
OLD YELLER!
LET'S EAT OUT.

GEE, MOM... WHY DO THE BABOONS HAVE THOSE BIG, PUFFY, REAR ENDS?
I DON'T KNOW, JIMMY. THAT'S JUST THE WAY GOD MADE THEM.
AND WHY DO THEY LET THEM ROAM FREE AROUND THE ZOO?
I DON'T KNOW, JIMMY. I GUESS THEY'RE FRIENDLY... TRY PETTING ONE.
...WHY WAS THAT BOY TOUCHING YOU?
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE SOME GLUTEAL IMPLANTS THAT NEED UNIMPLANTING.

WHAT THE &%*@ HAPPENED TO YOU, MORON?
I WENT TO A MAKEOVER SPECIALIST AND HE RECOMMENDED A HAIRPIECE. IS IT OBVIOUS?
DUDE, PLEASE, IT'S RIDICULOUS. NEVER LISTEN TO THAT GUY AGAIN. THE NEXT TIME YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR APP- EARRANCE, YOU ASK ME... GOT IT?
GOT IT.
...WHAT DO YOU THINK OF BUTT-IMPLANTS?

WOW...YOU'RE DOING QUITE A BUSINESS TODAY.
SCORN $10
I WOULDN'T THINK THERE WAS SUCH A MARKET FOR SCORN.
THERE'S NOT.
SCORN $10
Acceptance (Free)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW, RAT?
I'M SELLING SCORN... WANT SOME?
WHY WOULD I PAY FOR SOMETHING I DON'T WANT AND COULD GET FOR FREE?
BECAUSE YOU'RE A BIG, DUMB IDIOT.
...THAT ONE'S ON THE HOUSE.

GEE, ATLAS...I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS OUR WORLD...IS THIS THE PART WHERE I LIVE?
YES, PIG, BUT DON'T POINT YOUR FINGER SO CLOSE TO IT.
WHY NOT?
POKE
THAT'S A GOOD REASON.

WHO ARE YOU?
ATLAS. I CARRY THE WORLD ON MY SHOULDERS. BUT LATELY, IT'S GROWN MUCH TOO HEAVY.
JUST REST IT ON THE COUNTER THERE. I'M SURE IT'LL BE FINE.
THANKS, MAN. PHEW. WHAT A RELIEF.
SOMEWHERE IN ANTARCTICA...

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI, I'M YOUR NEIGHBOR, PIG... I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BORROW SOME SELF-ESTEEM... I'M A LITTLE LOW RIGHT NOW.
YOU... WHAT?
SELF-ESTEEM, I'M LOW... NOT SURE HOW IT HAPPENED, REALLY... GUESS I JUST GOT HURT SO MANY TIMES THAT SOME OF THOSE SELF-ESTEEM BUTTERFLIES MUST HAVE FLOWN RIGHT OUT OF MY HEAD. HEH HEH...
LISTEN, WEIRDO... NEIGHBORS BORROW THINGS THAT ARE TANGIBLE... SUGAR, FLOUR, LADDERS, LAWN MOWERS... THAT SORT OF THING... THEY DON'T WASTE EACH OTHER'S TIME MAKING STUPID, IMBECILIC REQUESTS LIKE THAT.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
...HOW 'BOUT A NET?

I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO GET GOING.
I DO... I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
KISS KISS
WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?
THAT'S HOW GERALDO RIVERA SIGNS OFF EVERY NIGHT.
...SO THEN HE SAYS, "LET ME SHOW YOU HOW GERALDO GETS SMASHED IN THE FACE WITH A CHAIR..."

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR GIANT CAN OF BEER?
IT'S GONE... SOMEONE STOLE IT FROM OUR GARAGE LAST NIGHT.
STOLE IT? WHO WOULD BREAK INTO OUR GARAGE JUST TO STEAL A CAN OF BEER?
BURP

HEY, MOM, IT'S ME, RAT... LISTEN. I SHOOK UP A GIANT CAN OF BEER AND STRAPPED IT TO MY BACK. I'M GONNA POP THE TAB AND LET THE POWER OF CARBONATION HURL ME IRREVOCABLY INTO ANOTHER UNIVERSE.
...WELL, YES, WE'LL LOSE THE FIVE CENT DEPOSIT ON THE CAN.

WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR BACK ?
IT'S A GIANT CAN OF BEER THAT I SHOOK UP. I'M HOPING YOU'LL POP IT OPEN AND LET THE POWER OF CARBONATION SHOOT ME INTO SOME OTHER UNIVERSE.
THIS WOULD CONSTITUTE THE DRAMATIC LOW POINT OF MY 'BEHIND THE MUSIC' EPISODE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT ?
I SHOOK UP THIS GIANT CAN OF BEER AND STRAPPED IT TO MY BACK. I'M HOPING YOU'LL POP THE TAB AND SHOOT ME INTO SOME OTHER UNIVERSE.
TELL MY HIGH SCHOOL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR THAT HER OPTIMISM WAS SORELY MISPLACED.

WHAT'S THAT STRAPPED ON YOUR BACK?
IT'S A GIANT CAN OF BEER THAT I SHOOK UP. I'M HOPING YOU'LL POP IT OPEN AND LET THE BURST OF CARBONATION SHOOT ME INTO SOME OTHER UNIVERSE.
...AS YOU MIGHT SURMISE, MY LIFE HERE DID NOT PROGRESS AS PLANNED.

AND NOW, A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM YOUR FAVORITE RAT
KIDS, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT FOR ME, THERE'S NOTHING WORSE THAN A TEACHER WHO DRONES ON AND ON ABOUT BORING HISTORY AND THEN HANDS YOU A BUNCH OF AWFUL BOOKS ABOUT EVENTS THAT TOOK PLACE BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.
BUT NOW, THERE'S HOPE. YOUR FAVORITE RAT HAS READ THOSE BOOKS AND ADDED INSIGHTFUL COMMENTS ON EACH PAGE OF HIS VERY OWN SUMMARY REPORTS, WHICH ARE PRINTED ON FLOW PAPER BEING OFFERED TO YOU FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF $1.99.
SO, IF YOU LIKE YOUR EVENTS SUMMARIZED BY A RAT FOR THIRTY YEARS DOWN TO ONE PAGE, AND THEN, OF COURSE, A NIP OF LIME-COLORED PAPER, SEND $1.99 TO THE ADDRESS YOU SEE BELOW. WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, HERE'S AN EXAMPLE.
THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION
WE DON'T LIKE TEA AND WE DON'T LIKE THE BRITISH PEOPLE YELLING AT US. SO, YEARS LATER, WE MAKE OUR BREAK.
THE CIVIL WAR
GUYS WITH BIG HATS SHOOTING OTHER GUYS WITH BIG HATS. THOSE THAT DIE FROM THE BULLETS, STICK AROUND AND STAR IN "DUKES OF HAZZARD".
THE GREAT DEPRESSION
POOR PEOPLE MOVE FROM CALIFORNIA

Dear Yasser Arafat,
why do you always wear that scarf on your head? It looks kinda weird.
You stupid pig.. why do you waste your time writing letters like that? Yasser Arafat doesn't care what you think...

GOOD MOOOORNING, RAT... PLEASE, WHAT A NIGHT I HAD. LET ME TELL YOU ALL MY HEALTH AND FAMILY PROBLEMS.
GO AWAY, ALPHONSE. NO ONE LIKES A NEEDY PORCUPINE.
OH MY... YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS. I AM NOT EMOTIONALLY PREPARED TO DEAL WITH THIS LEVEL OF HOSTILITY THIS MORNING. (SNIFFLE)... PLEASE...GIVE ME... A TISSUE...
DUDE, STOP... I DON'T LIKE YOU... I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU... ALL YOU DO IS ATTRACT PITY BY MANUFACTURING BOGUS DRAMA... NOW LEAVE ME THE @#&% ALONE, GOT IT??
I'VE SUFFERED A CORONARY... IT'S FATAL. GOODBYE.
BYE BYE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M USING THIS STUDFINDER TO TRY AND FIND A PLACE WHERE I CAN HANG THIS HEAVY PICTURE.
AHA! FOUND ONE.
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
WHY CAN'T THEY JUST LEAVE US ALONE?
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!