Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY THERE, JOHNNY SEAL. THANKS FOR COMING TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY.
MY PLEASURE, PIG.
HEY, LISTEN, NOT TO BE A PAIN, BUT IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN BE RE-SEATED? YOU'VE GOT ME AT TABLE SEVEN.
OH, I'M SORRY... I HAD RAT PUT TOGETHER THE SEATING CHART FOR ME. DID HE STICK YOU AT A BAD TABLE?
YOU COULD SAY THAT...
...AND WILL YOU BE SERVING FOOD?
SOON, VERY SOON.

Dear Condoleezza Rice,
I am a big fan of the 'Care Bears'.
Maybe you are too.
My favorite bear is 'Harmony Bear'.
I suggest you send him to the Middle East to solve the Arab/Israeli problem.
Dude, why do you write these moronic letters?
Do you honestly think Condoleezza Rice is gonna follow your advice and send a 'Care Bear' to Jerusalem who will magically solve the world's most intractable dramatic crisis?...
YAY!!

WHAT ARE YOU MAKING, RAT?
GINGERBREAD MEN.
OOOOOOH... I LOVE GINGERBREAD MEN. I THINK THEY'RE SO DARN CUTE.
GOOD... LEMME SHOW YOU MY LATEST...
IT'S CALLED, "DON'T MESS WITH LARRY."
CAN YOU GUESS WHICH ONE IS LARRY?

I LOVE TAKING MY COFFEE OUTSIDE AND DRINKING IT IN THE BEAUTY OF NATURE. THE SKY. THE TREES. THE GRASS.
AND LOOK. HEH HEH HEH. A LITTLE OLD WORM...
...YOU POOR LITTLE GUY.
JUST INCHING ALONG...EVER SO SLOWLY...FROM ONE HOME TO ANOTHER...
WHAT A SAD LITTLE LIFE...NO MEANING...NO PURPOSE...POOR LIL' FELLA...
WHEN YOU DIE, I EAT YOU... WHO'S YOUR DADDY NOW, B****?
I'D BE JUST AS HAPPY INSIDE A STARBUCK'S.

CHECK OUT THESE NEW CD'S I BOUGHT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE BROKE.
I WAS, BUT I PAWNED SOME STUFF AT THE PAWN SHOP DOWNTOWN AND RAISED A LITTLE CASH.
WHAT'D YOU SELL?
SIGH...

WELL, WE'VE GOT OUR "A"s BACK... A WHOLE BUNCH OF THEM.
WHERE'D YOU GET THEM?
I "BORROWED" THEM.
BORROWED THEM? FROM WHERE?
WH T JUST H PPENED?

WHAT’S UP WITH OUR DIALOGUE TODAY?
WELL, SINCE THE COMIC STRIP DIDN’T RUN OUT OF THE FIRST LETTER OF THE ALPHABET, HE THOUGHT HE’D USE MORE HIS OWN..
BUT HE’S USING THE WRONG LETTER. THOSE ARE “U”s.
WELL, HE’S UFF THE GROCERY STORE NOW BUYING ME SOME FLUUR..I’LL TELL HIM WHEN HE GETS BUCK WITH MY
-TWU STICKS UF FLUUR!
...WE NEED TU TALK.

I HE RD WE R N OUT OF THE FIRST LETTER OF THE LPH BET.
YE H...BUT I M NGED TO BUY DOZEN ON THE BL CK M RKET.
WELL...WE’LL JUST H VE TO BE RE L C REFUL WITH THEM... ISN’T TH T RIGHT, CHUCKIE?
BRAAAAAAAAH!
B H.

WH T'S GOING ON?
WE R N OUT OF THE 1PH BET. THERE'S SHORT EGE IN THE COMIC STRIP F CTORY.
WH R WE GONN DO?
WELL, WE'VE GOT SIX EMERGENCY S IF WE NEED THEM. OUR PL N IS TO JUST ST Y C LM ND USE THEM JUDICIOUSLY.
AAAAHHH!!
DMN TH T PIG.

WE GOT A NOTICE FROM THE COMIC STRIP FACTORY SAYING THAT THEY'RE ALMOST OUT OF THE LETTER "A." THEY WANT US TO REDUCE OUR USAGE.
WHAAAAT? THAT'S BRD... BRD. BRD. BAAAAAAAAAAD.. AS ARE GRET. ALL AS ARE GRET... THAT CAN MAKE AN ANIML SCREM. AAAAAAAH...CHH!! WIT.. HAFTA SNEE...AAAAAHCHOO!!!
RE YOU H PPY?

HEY, PIG... GO LIGHT ONE OF THOSE LOGS IN THE FIREPLACE WHILE I FINISH DECORATING THE TREE....
I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T LIKE LIGHTING THOSE BECAUSE OF THE POLLUTION THEY CREATE.
CHRISTMAS IS THE ONE EXCEPTION.
WHY DO YOU MAKE AN EXCEPTION FOR CHRISTMAS?
I HAVE MY REASONS....
Me feel kinda hot.
Please shut mouf... feet butt een there.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, DARBY NUT AND SCOTTIE NUT? . . . DON'T YOU FEEL LIKE PLAYING TODAY?
IT'S YOUR FRIEND. . . HE MAKES US FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.
GO AWAY, RAT!
YOU'RE INTIMIDATING THE NUTS.
INTIMIDATING? DUDE, I'M JUST OVER HERE PLAYING WITH MY OWN FRIEND . . . AND I FIND IT INSULTING THAT YOU'D ACCUSE US OF HAVING BAD MOTIVES.
APOLOGIZE TO FRIEDRICH.

I HEAR YOU GOT A JOB WRITING HOROSCOPES.
YEAH. HERE'S WHAT I WROTE FOR TAURUS: "THE FAULT, DEAR BRUTUS, IS NOT IN OUR STARS, BUT IN OURSELVES."
YOU FRAUD. THAT WAS WRITTEN BY SHAKESPEARE.
WELL, I WROTE IT, TOO.
HE WROTE IT FIRST.
GOOD LITERATURE IS NOT A RACE.

I HEAR YOU'RE WRITING HOROSCOPES FOR THE PAPER.
YEAH... HERE'S GEMINI: "IF YOU THINK THE PROBLEMS OF YOUR SAD LITTLE LIFE BE SOLVED BY LOOKING TO THE STARS, YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUMP OFF A CLIFF."
WHOA WHOA WHOA... THAT'S JUST AN INSULT. AS AN ASTROLOGIST, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO MAKE A PREDICTION.
...DESPITE YOUR FRANTIC ARM-FLAPPING, YOU WILL NOT FLY.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
I GOT A JOB WRITING HOROSCOPES FOR THE PAPER.
LET'S HEAR ONE.
OKAY, HERE'S CAPRICORN: "YOU ARE DUMB. NOTHING THAT HAPPENS TODAY WILL CHANGE THAT FACT."
THEY'RE EERILY ACCURATE.

DO YOU THINK AFTER SOMEONE YOU KNOW DIES THAT ONE DAY YOU GET TO SEE THEM AGAIN?
NO.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE OUR MAILMAN, FRED, DIED LAST FALL AND I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM SINCE.
REMIND ME NOT TO HAVE THESE CONVERSATIONS WITH YOU.
THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT HE NEVER WAS MUCH OF A MAILMAN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
I'M CALCULATING HOW MUCH I SHOULD PUT IN MY I.R.A THIS YEAR... IT'S IMPORTANT TO PLAN FOR YOUR RETIREMENT, YOU KNOW.
HEY, NO NEED TO LECTURE US, MR. MONEY BAGS... ME AND PIG SET ASIDE MONEY FOR OUR RETIREMENT EVERY WEEK.
OH, YEAH? IN AN I.R.A. OR 401K?
THE L.O.T.T.E.R.Y.
SCRATCH AND WIN, BABY!!

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, RAT?
IT’S A SELF-HELP BOOK. IT’S CALLED, “HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND BAMBOOZLE IDIOTS.”
CAN I BUY ONE?
I’M AFRAID NOT. THE SUCCESS OF THE BOOK IS DEPENDENT ON THERE BEING IDIOTS, AND IF YOU’RE GOING TO BAMBOOZLE, WE IDIOTS, WE SIMPLY CAN’T TELL YOU OUR SECRETS, NOW, CAN WE?
OH, GEE... SORRY, RAT, I DIDN’T EVEN THINK OF THAT.
IT’S OKAY, GOOD BUDDY... WE ALL HAVE OUR ROLES IN LIFE.
MAYBE... YOU KNOW... IF YOU GET THE TIME, YOU MIGHT WRITE A BOOK FOR GUYS LIKE ME. WE CAN USE HELP, TOO, YOU KNOW.
HMMM... OKAY... YOU TALKED ME INTO IT,
... “HOW TO GET BAMBOOZLED LIKE THE IDIOT I AM.”
AND LOOK! I EVEN PUT YOU ON THE COVER!

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
A BOOK ON HERBERT HOOVER,
I KNOW HIM... HE'S THAT PRESIDENT WHO PROMISED POT TO EVERY CHICKEN,
HE PROMISED A CHICKEN IN EVERY POT.
WHOA, DUDE... FOR A SECOND, LIKE, I ALMOST VOTED...

JENNIFER! JENNIFER! I JUST SPOTTED A KILLER WHALE ACROSS THE STREET!!
A KILLER WHALE? ONE OF OUR PREDATORS IN OUR VERY OWN NEIGHBORHOOD?? HOW CAN THAT BE??
I DON'T KNOW, BUT I THINK HE SAW ME SPOT HIM, SO NOW HE'S TRYING TO HIDE.
HIDE? HIDE WHERE??

HI, NEIGHBOR WINKLE. HEY, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD HELP ME LOOK THROUGH MY GARAGE SOME TIME TODAY? I CAN'T FIND MY PRUNING SHEARS.
SURE, PIG...NOT A PROBLEM.
WHOA WHOA WHOA, DUDE.
I AM SO NOT GONNA SPEND MY AFTERNOON LOOKING FOR SOMETHING THIS IDIOT CAN'T FIND ON HIS OWN...I'M GONNA SIT ON THE @#*&% COUCH, MAYBE CATCH A LITTLE FOOTBALL, AND THAT'S IT, DUDE...SO LEAVE ME THE @#*&% ALONE...
LAZY EYE.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
We is tagging you house. Haha. You is stoopid loser, man.
MY HOUSE? THIS IS YOUR HOUSE.
..Gud ting we write small.
STOOPID STOOPID STOOPID

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI, I'M JOHN THE SEAL, AND THIS IS MY WIFE, JENNIFER... WE JUST MOVED HERE FROM THE PACIFIC TO GET AWAY FROM PREDATORS... WE'RE HOPING THIS IS A GOOD NEIGHBORHOOD.
NOT FOR ME. I'VE GOT SOME CROC NEIGHBORS. BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN ONE OF YOUR PREDATORS AROUND.
OH, JEN! DID YOU HEAR THAT? WE'VE FINALLY FOUND IT. A NICE, SAFE PLACE WE CAN CALL HOME!
OH, YAY! YAY!
Domino's? ...Cancel that pizza.

Dear Donald Rumsfeld,
I am a big fan of the "Care Bears." My favorite is Harmony Bear. He's a smiling flower on his tummy that symbolizes his dream of everyone getting along.
I think we should send him to Iraq.
YOU DUMB PIG. DO YOU HONESTLY THINK DONALD RUMSFELD'S GONNA FOLLOW YOUR ADVICE AND SEND A CARE BEAR TO IRAQ WHO WILL MAGICALLY PRANCE AROUND CONVINCING THE INSURGENTS TO LAY DOWN THEIR ARMS AND BE HARMONIOUS?
... I no care what he tell you, Ahmed... You take off shirt.

HELLO, SON.
HULLO, MAMA.
SON, THERE'S A RUMOR AT THE HAIR SALON THAT YOU'VE BEEN SHOPLIFTING FOR FOOD AT SAFEWAY.
I TOLD THEM IT WASN'T TRUE.
I TOLD THEM THAT NO SON OF MINE WOULD BE CAUGHT DEAD EATING SOMETHING HE DIDN'T CATCH.
TELL ME I'M RIGHT, SON.
YOU RIGHT, MAMA.
FINE...NOW BE A GOOD SON AND GIVE ME SOMETHING TO PUT MY SHOES IN...MY FEET HURT AND I DON'T WANT TO WEAR THEM HOME.
TAKE IT. ME GOT LOTS.