Pearls Before Swine | Search

I THINK THAT BEFORE WE'RE BORN, WE'RE IN SOME KIND OF PARADISE.
THEN WE'RE DROPPED DOWN HERE TO LIVE. BUT WE'RE USED TO PARADISE, SO THIS PLACE IS VERY PAINFUL.
TO EASE THE PAIN, WE'RE GIVEN TWO THINGS: MUSIC AND HUMOR. BUT OTHER THAN THAT, WE'RE ON OUR OWN.
ON OUR OWN... TO DEAL WITH THE LONELINESS AND THE TRAGEDY AND THE STUPIDITY.
YOU LEFT OUT CORNDOGS.
CORNDOGS?
CORN DOGS EASE THE PAIN.
... I COULD USE A CORNDOG.

HOW MUCH?
FOR WHAT?
THE GARAGE.
IT'S NOT FOR SALE.
GOT SOMETHING AGAINST PIGS?

... AND WHAT CAN I GET FOR YOU TWO, TONIGHT?
I'D LIKE YOUR LOBSTER SPECIAL.
AND I'LL TAKE YOUR SOLE.
AAAAAHHHHHHHHH
MAYBE YOU SHOULD ORDER SOMETHING ELSE.

HI, STUTTERING BOB. I WAS WONDERING IF YOU'VE SEEN MY BUDDY SATAN… HE'S LOOKING TO BUY A TUX AND I TOLD HIM YOU WERE THE BEST TAILOR IN TOWN.
HI, RAT… DA DA DEVIL IS IN DA DA DRESSING ROOM TRYING ON DA DIFFERENT STYLES.
WHICH ONES HE TRYING ON NOW?
DA DA DEVIL IS IN DA DA TAILS.

WOW, PIG... THANKS FOR MAKING SUCH A GREAT DINNER... LET'S DIG IN.
WAIT A MINUTE, RAT... WE HAVE A GUEST TONIGHT... MAYBE HE'D LIKE TO SAY GRACE FIRST.
THAT'S OKAY.

SO WHAT REMODELING WORK ARE YOU DOING BACK HOME?
WE'RE PAVING THE MAIN ROAD WITH THIS SPECIAL ASPHALT MADE BY THOMAS GOOD AND THE CHIN BROTHERS.
WHO ARE THEY?
GOOD'S AN ASPHALT SPECIALIST AND THE CHINS ARE THESE TEN BROTHERS... TOGETHER THEY DESIGNED A SPECIAL ASPHALT THEY NAMED AFTER THEMSELVES.
SO THE ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH...
...GOOD AND TEN CHIN'S.

PIG, THIS IS MY OLD FRIEND, SATAN... HE'S GONNA STAY WITH US FOR A FEW DAYS.
STAY WITH US?... WHY?
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND... I'M HAVING MY PLACE REMODELED.
WHY ARE YOU RE-MODELING?
IT LOOKS LIKE HELL.

THE GREAT
AMERICAN NOVEL
BY Rat
The sea was filled with angry monkeys.
THAT IS THE DUMBEST OPENING LINE I HAVE EVER SEEN IN A NOVEL...
IT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE AND LACKS ANY SORT OF CONTEXT.
"Kaboom," went the coastal monkey factory.

WHAT HAPPENED? WHY AM I IN THE HOSPITAL?
YOU GOT BANGED UP JUMPING OFF THE ROOF.
BUT HOW COULD THAT HAPPEN?! I WAS A BUTTERFLY. BUTTERFLIES CAN FLY.
DUDE... YOU RAN SMACK INTO THE...
...MOON.
WOW... THE...
...
GET SOME SLEEP, YOU DUMB PIG.

...SO THAT DUMB PIG IS DRESSED LIKE A CATERPILLAR, AND EVERY MORNING, HE GETS UP, RUNS TO THE MIRROR, AND CHECKS FOR BUTTERFLY WINGS.
HOW SAD.
YEAH. IT GOT SO PATHETIC THAT LAST NIGHT I TAPED LITTLE PAPER WINGS TO HIS BACK.
WOW. THAT'S THE FIRST KIND THING YOU'VE EVER DONE FOR THAT PIG.
I CAN FLY!

Dear Diary,
I am still a caterpillar... I am beginning to think I will never become a butterfly.
Rat says this makes me a "self-loathing" caterpillar, which he says is no different than a "self-loathing pig. But that's not true...
...I have more legs.

Dear Diary,
Today I asked Zebra to check my back for butterfly wings. He did not find any.
He did, however, find a sticky note that said, "Kick me"
It's a start.

Dear Diary,
Today was my first day as a caterpillar...Unfortunately, I did not become a butterfly.
I was, however, picked up by a crow, who dropped me into her nest, snapping the branch, flattening the nest and squashing all of her once-happy family.
Sometimes it pays to be fat.

Dear Diary,
Sometimes it is so depressing to be me. But I think there is hope, because today I learned that ugly caterpillars become beautiful butterflies.
God helps those who help themselves.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE ON THE CURB?
I'M WAITING FOR HAPPINESS TO FIND ME.
YOU STUPID PIG... WHAT DO YOU THINK-- THAT THERE'S SOME SMILING GUY WITH A FLAG THAT SAYS 'MR. HAPPINESS' WHO'S GONNA WHIZ BY ON HIS SCOOTER AND HAND OUT HAPPINESS TO ANYONE HE SEES??
WELL, UH... HEE HEE... WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY, I GUESS IT DOES SOUND SORTA DUMB.
YOU BET IT'S DUMB. NOW GET INSIDE BEFORE YOU EMBARRASS US IN FRONT OF THE NEIGHBORS.
OKAY.

GOAT SAYS YOU'RE A FOLK SINGER FOR THE FAR RIGHT.
YES... THIS NEXT SONG RIPS ALL THOSE ENVIRON-MENTAL NUTBALLS WHO THINK OIL SPILLS ARE BAD.
YOUR SONG IS "PRO-OIL SPILL"?
YEAH... IT'S CALLED "MAYBE YOUR DUCKY LIKES SWIMMING IN MUCKY."
... MAKES YOU THINK, DON'T IT?

I CAN'T
BELIEVE YOU'RE
A FOLK SINGER
FOR THE FAR
RIGHT.
WELL, THAT SHOWS
HOW DUMB YOU
ARE, BECAUSE
IT'S A TOTALLY
UNTAPPED MARKET.
THIS NEXT SONG'S CALLED,
"IF YOU'RE NOT WHITE,
AND YOU TALK FUNNY,
WE'LL DROP BOMBS
RIGHT ON YOUR BUNNY."
BUNNY?
"CAMEL"
DIDN'T
RHYME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW, RAT?
I'M JOHNNY-ON-TOP, FOLK SINGER FOR THE FAR RIGHT.
THE FAR RIGHT?
YES. FOLK SINGERS ARE ALWAYS LIBERAL PANSIES, BUT NOT ME... I SING FOR MY FELLOW CONSERVATIVES.
...CARE TO HEAR, "SHOOT THE HIPPIE OUT OF THE REDWOOD TREE"?

I HEAR YOUR FELLOW ZEBRAS HAVE DIVIDED THE WATERING HOLE INTO CHOMPING AND NON-CHOMPING SECTIONS.
YEAH... THE CROCS CAN ONLY EAT YOU IN THE CHOMPING SECTION. BUT THE DIVISION'S FAR FROM PERFECT.
HOW SO?
...OKAY, WE'VE ABOUT HAD IT WITH THE SECOND-HAND CHOMPING.

I HEAR YOUR FELLOW ZEBRAS DIVIDED THE WATERING HOLE INTO CHOMPING AND NON-CHOMPING SECTIONS.
YEAH... IF THE CROCS WANT TO EAT A ZEBRA, THEY HAVE TO PICK ONE SITTING IN THE CHOMPING SECTION.
BUT WHY WOULD ANY ZEBRA EVER SIT IN THE CHOMPING SECTION?
...SO MY SON-IN-LAW SAYS, "GO THERE, MA... THE WATER IS GREAT... BUT MAKE SURE YOU GET A TABLE IN THE BACK, WHERE IT'S NICE AND QUIET" ... SO I DO... AND IT BETTER BE GOOD.

I HEAR YOUR FELLOWS ZEBRAS ARE TRYING TO MAKE THE WATERING HOLE SAFER.
YEAH. THEY GOT THE CROCODILES TO DIVIDE IT INTO TWO SECTIONS: "CHOMPING" AND "NON-CHOMPING."
THE CROCODILES CAN ONLY EAT YOU IN THE CHOMPING SECTION. SO IF YOU WANT TO ENJOY THE WATERING HOLE IN PEACE, YOU JUST PICK THE NON-CHOMPING SECTION.
AND HOW'S IT GOING?
I'M SORRY. THAT SECTION IS FULL. BUT WE'VE GOT A LOVELY TABLE ACROSS THE ROOM.

HEY, BILLY KAHN, HOW'S YOUR CONSTRUCTION BUSINESS COMING ALONG?
NOT GOOD. I THINK I NEED TO DO SOME PROMOTIONAL STUFF.
HOW SO?
WELL, JUST TODAY, I'M WALKING PAST THIS OTHER COMPANY'S CONSTRUCTION SITE AND THIS BIG SIGN OUT FRONT THAT SAYS 'THIS IS A WEATHERSTIPS JOB!'
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
THEY'RE MY BIGGEST COMPETITOR, AND THEY'RE GIVING THEMSELVES ALL THIS FREE PUBLICITY.
WHY DON'T YOU MAKE YOUR OWN SIGN, THEN?
YEAH, BUT I DON'T WANT TO JUST COPY THEM
I GOT IT... I CAN STAND OUTSIDE ONE OF YOUR CONSTRUCTION SITES AND ANNOUNCE THE SAME THING WITH A MEGAPHONE.
OKAY. IT'S WORTH A TRY.
SIX WEEKS LATER...
I DON'T GET IT, BILLY. WE HAVE NO PROJECTS LINED UP AFTER THIS.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT EITHER, FRED.
THIS IS A KAHN JOB! THIS IS A KAHN JOB! THIS IS A KAHN JOB!

LISTEN, YOU. YOU SAY A WORD ABOUT ME AND LUIGI'S PLAN TO KILL VINNIE AND IT'S CURTAINS FOR YOU.
HEY, THE GUYS OVER THERE ARE GONNA KILL SOME MAN NAMED VINNIE.
...I'D LIKE THEM IN MAUVE, PLEASE.

LISTEN, LUIGI, THE BOSS SAYS WE GOTS TO KILL VINNIE TODAY.
WHAT FOR?
'CAUSE IF WE DON'T, HE'S GONNA RUN TO THE COPS AND SING LIKE A CANARY.
WHAT A WASTE OF A BEAUTIFUL VOICE.

WHAT DID YOU WRITE ON YOUR HAT?
IT'S MY EMPATHY HAT... IT SAYS, "THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE."
WHY ARE YOU WEARING IT?
BECAUSE GIRLS LIKE EMPATHY... AND I'M NO GOOD AT EMPATHY. SO NOW, WHEN YOU'RE DONE COMPLAINING ABOUT SOMETHING, YOU CAN JUST READ THE HAT.
SHE HAS ISSUES.