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WOW...YOU'RE DOING QUITE A BUSINESS TODAY.
SCORN $10
I WOULDN'T THINK THERE WAS SUCH A MARKET FOR SCORN.
THERE'S NOT.
SCORN $10
Acceptance (Free)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW, RAT?
I'M SELLING SCORN... WANT SOME?
WHY WOULD I PAY FOR SOMETHING I DON'T WANT AND COULD GET FOR FREE?
BECAUSE YOU'RE A BIG, DUMB IDIOT.
...THAT ONE'S ON THE HOUSE.

GEE, ATLAS...I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS OUR WORLD...IS THIS THE PART WHERE I LIVE?
YES, PIG, BUT DON'T POINT YOUR FINGER SO CLOSE TO IT.
WHY NOT?
POKE
THAT'S A GOOD REASON.

WHO ARE YOU?
ATLAS. I CARRY THE WORLD ON MY SHOULDERS. BUT LATELY, IT'S GROWN MUCH TOO HEAVY.
JUST REST IT ON THE COUNTER THERE. I'M SURE IT'LL BE FINE.
THANKS, MAN. PHEW. WHAT A RELIEF.
SOMEWHERE IN ANTARCTICA...

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI, I'M YOUR NEIGHBOR, PIG... I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BORROW SOME SELF-ESTEEM... I'M A LITTLE LOW RIGHT NOW.
YOU... WHAT?
SELF-ESTEEM, I'M LOW... NOT SURE HOW IT HAPPENED, REALLY... GUESS I JUST GOT HURT SO MANY TIMES THAT SOME OF THOSE SELF-ESTEEM BUTTERFLIES MUST HAVE FLOWN RIGHT OUT OF MY HEAD. HEH HEH...
LISTEN, WEIRDO... NEIGHBORS BORROW THINGS THAT ARE TANGIBLE... SUGAR, FLOUR, LADDERS, LAWN MOWERS... THAT SORT OF THING... THEY DON'T WASTE EACH OTHER'S TIME MAKING STUPID, IMBECILIC REQUESTS LIKE THAT.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
...HOW 'BOUT A NET?

I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO GET GOING.
I DO... I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
KISS KISS
WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?
THAT'S HOW GERALDO RIVERA SIGNS OFF EVERY NIGHT.
...SO THEN HE SAYS, "LET ME SHOW YOU HOW GERALDO GETS SMASHED IN THE FACE WITH A CHAIR..."

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR GIANT CAN OF BEER?
IT'S GONE... SOMEONE STOLE IT FROM OUR GARAGE LAST NIGHT.
STOLE IT? WHO WOULD BREAK INTO OUR GARAGE JUST TO STEAL A CAN OF BEER?
BURP

HEY, MOM, IT'S ME, RAT... LISTEN. I SHOOK UP A GIANT CAN OF BEER AND STRAPPED IT TO MY BACK. I'M GONNA POP THE TAB AND LET THE POWER OF CARBONATION HURL ME IRREVOCABLY INTO ANOTHER UNIVERSE.
...WELL, YES, WE'LL LOSE THE FIVE CENT DEPOSIT ON THE CAN.

WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR BACK ?
IT'S A GIANT CAN OF BEER THAT I SHOOK UP. I'M HOPING YOU'LL POP IT OPEN AND LET THE POWER OF CARBONATION SHOOT ME INTO SOME OTHER UNIVERSE.
THIS WOULD CONSTITUTE THE DRAMATIC LOW POINT OF MY 'BEHIND THE MUSIC' EPISODE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT ?
I SHOOK UP THIS GIANT CAN OF BEER AND STRAPPED IT TO MY BACK. I'M HOPING YOU'LL POP THE TAB AND SHOOT ME INTO SOME OTHER UNIVERSE.
TELL MY HIGH SCHOOL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR THAT HER OPTIMISM WAS SORELY MISPLACED.

WHAT'S THAT STRAPPED ON YOUR BACK?
IT'S A GIANT CAN OF BEER THAT I SHOOK UP. I'M HOPING YOU'LL POP IT OPEN AND LET THE BURST OF CARBONATION SHOOT ME INTO SOME OTHER UNIVERSE.
...AS YOU MIGHT SURMISE, MY LIFE HERE DID NOT PROGRESS AS PLANNED.

AND NOW, A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM YOUR FAVORITE RAT
KIDS, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT FOR ME, THERE'S NOTHING WORSE THAN A TEACHER WHO DRONES ON AND ON ABOUT BORING HISTORY AND THEN HANDS YOU A BUNCH OF AWFUL BOOKS ABOUT EVENTS THAT TOOK PLACE BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.
BUT NOW, THERE'S HOPE. YOUR FAVORITE RAT HAS READ THOSE BOOKS AND ADDED INSIGHTFUL COMMENTS ON EACH PAGE OF HIS VERY OWN SUMMARY REPORTS, WHICH ARE PRINTED ON FLOW PAPER BEING OFFERED TO YOU FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF $1.99.
SO, IF YOU LIKE YOUR EVENTS SUMMARIZED BY A RAT FOR THIRTY YEARS DOWN TO ONE PAGE, AND THEN, OF COURSE, A NIP OF LIME-COLORED PAPER, SEND $1.99 TO THE ADDRESS YOU SEE BELOW. WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, HERE'S AN EXAMPLE.
THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION
WE DON'T LIKE TEA AND WE DON'T LIKE THE BRITISH PEOPLE YELLING AT US. SO, YEARS LATER, WE MAKE OUR BREAK.
THE CIVIL WAR
GUYS WITH BIG HATS SHOOTING OTHER GUYS WITH BIG HATS. THOSE THAT DIE FROM THE BULLETS, STICK AROUND AND STAR IN "DUKES OF HAZZARD".
THE GREAT DEPRESSION
POOR PEOPLE MOVE FROM CALIFORNIA

Dear Yasser Arafat,
why do you always wear that scarf on your head? It looks kinda weird.
You stupid pig.. why do you waste your time writing letters like that? Yasser Arafat doesn't care what you think...

GOOD MOOOORNING, RAT... PLEASE, WHAT A NIGHT I HAD. LET ME TELL YOU ALL MY HEALTH AND FAMILY PROBLEMS.
GO AWAY, ALPHONSE. NO ONE LIKES A NEEDY PORCUPINE.
OH MY... YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS. I AM NOT EMOTIONALLY PREPARED TO DEAL WITH THIS LEVEL OF HOSTILITY THIS MORNING. (SNIFFLE)... PLEASE...GIVE ME... A TISSUE...
DUDE, STOP... I DON'T LIKE YOU... I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU... ALL YOU DO IS ATTRACT PITY BY MANUFACTURING BOGUS DRAMA... NOW LEAVE ME THE @#&% ALONE, GOT IT??
I'VE SUFFERED A CORONARY... IT'S FATAL. GOODBYE.
BYE BYE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M USING THIS STUDFINDER TO TRY AND FIND A PLACE WHERE I CAN HANG THIS HEAVY PICTURE.
AHA! FOUND ONE.
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
WHY CAN'T THEY JUST LEAVE US ALONE?
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!

HEY, RAT... DID YOU GET ME THE STYLING GEL AT THE GROCERY STORE?
YEAH, YOU DUMB PIG... IT'S ON THE BATHROOM COUNTER.
... HEY, WAIT... THIS IS THE MEGA-HOLD ONE. I USE THE MEDIUM HOLD.
OH, SHUT UP, YOU BIG WHINER... THEY'RE ALL THE SAME.
I BEG TO DIFFER.

WHY ARE YOU SO EXCITED, MORON?
BECAUSE MICHAEL JACKSON WROTE ME BACK. THANKS TO ME, HE FOUND HIS MISSING NOSE IN THE DRYER! NOW HE WANTS TO SHOW HIS APPRECIATION BY INVITING ME OVER FOR A NIGHT AT THE NEVERLAND RANCH!
(Funny ending deleted at request of my syndicate.)

Dear Michael Jackson,
Your nose appears to be missing.
Have you checked the dryer? That's where a lot of my stuff ends up.
OH, GOOD, MORON... SEND A LETTER TO MICHAEL JACKSON TELLING HIM TO LOOK FOR HIS NOSE IN THE DRYER. I'M SURE HE'LL GET RIGHT ON THAT...
TITO!!

IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT MILLIONS OF STUDENTS AROUND THIS COUNTRY ARE CHEATING IN THEIR ENGLISH COURSES BY SKIPPING THE ASSIGNED READING AND GOING TO WEB SITES LIKE SPARKNOTES TO PURCHASE CANNED BOOK REPORTS ON THE LITERATURE.
THIS.
IS.
WRONG.
WHY IS IT WRONG? BECAUSE YOU'RE BEING OVERCHARGED.
THAT'S RIGHT.
SO SINCE THAT RAT HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO READ ALL OF THESE BOOKS, I OFFER YOU HAND-WRITTEN BOOK REPORTS TO YOU FOR THE ROCK-BOTTOM PRICE OF JUST $1 PER REPORT.
THESE OUTSTANDING BOOK REPORTS IS PRINTED BELOW.
CUT IT OUT, TURN IT IN AND TELL OUR ENGLISH TEACHER HOW A CRUMMY INTERNET SITE MADE ESL LAME TO READ.
THEY EASY, NON-VIOLENT, INFINITELY BETTER.
ALL Quiet on the Western Front
Had come for the
BELL TOLLS
more guy. Guy dies.
THE GREAT GATSBY
no war. Guy dies.
Death of a Salesman
Guy dies.
The Grapes of Wrath
Two guys die.
JOIN US NEXT WEEK WHEN WE'LL TACKLE THOSE PESKY HISTORY BOOKS!
NOW...
GO BACK TO YOUR NINTENDO!!!

HI, MR. PASTIS. PIG SAYS YOU CALLED.
YEAH, LISTEN, RAT... I FIRED YOUR PAL, TOBY, TODAY... THERE'S JUST NO LICENSING POTENTIAL FOR AN AGORAPHOBIC TURTLE...
NO LICENSING POTENTIAL? HA, I KNEW YOU WERE A SELL-OUT, PASTIS! SO MUCH FOR YOUR BIG-TALKING "I'LL BE JUST LIKE BILL WATTERSON AND NEVER MASS-MARKET MY CHARACTERS' ACT," YOU HYPOCRITICAL WEASEL!
YOU'RE REALLY JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS.

GOAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, TOBY THE AGORAPHOBIC TURTLE. HE FEARS PUBLIC PLACES, SO HE STAYS IN HIS SHELL AND DRINKS FROM A BEER BONG.
IT'S...
NICE...
TO...
MEET...
POUR POUR POUR POUR
FOOOOOOSHHHH
GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG
UUUUUUUUURP
YOU.
NUTS.
PASSED OUT AGAIN.

JUST BECAUSE TOBY THE AGORAPHOBIC TURTLE IS AFRAID OF PUBLIC PLACES IS NO REASON FOR HIM TO LIVE IN HIS SHELL AND GUZZLE FROM A BEER BONG.
... I THINK THAT LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL AND WONDERFUL AND MAYBE WITH HELP, TOBY CAN REALIZE THAT, TOO.
HIYAAA!!
TOBY REJECTS YOUR THEORY.

...SO YOU POUR THE BEER IN THIS FUNNEL AND IT RUSHES DOWN THE TUBE INTO TOBY'S MOUTH.
BUT BEER ISN'T THE ANSWER. TOBY NEEDS TO KNOW THAT BEER ISN'T THE ANSWER.
SMACK!
TOBY IS NOT IN THE MOOD FOR YOUR LECTURE.

TOBY THE AGORAPHOBIC TURTLE IS AFRAID OF PUBLIC PLACES. THAT'S WHY HE STAYS IN HIS SHELL.
BUT ISN'T HE BORED?
NOT REALLY. HE HAS HIS BEER. AND THAT MAKES HIM HAPPY.
BUT HOW'S HE SUPPOSED TO GET BEER DOWN IN THERE?
TOBY WOULD LIKE YOU TO HOLD HIS BEER BONG.

I'D LIKE YOU GUYS TO MEET MY FRIEND, TOBY THE AGORAPHOBIC TURTLE.
AGORAPHOBIC? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
HE'S AFRAID OF SWEATERS.