Pearls Before Swine | Search

DO YOU REALIZE THAT THE PHRASES "MARRIED FOR LIFE" AND "MARRIED FOR LIE" ARE SEPARATED BY JUST ONE LETTER?
OH, I SEE.
YEAH, YOU GOTTA WATCH WHAT YOU MAIL TO PEOPLE.
NOT THAT KIND OF LETTER... AN ALPHABET LETTER.
OH.
NOT "O." "I."
NOT "U" "I"!!!
NOOOOO!! NOT "O-I-C"!!! JUST "I"!! JUST ONE LOUSY STINKIN' "I"!! AUGGGGHHH!!!
GEE, ARE YOU OKAY?

WE ALWAYS LOOK BACK ON ANCIENT TIMES AND WONDER HOW THEY LIVED WITHOUT TODAY'S CONVENIENCES, LIKE TV'S, PHONES, COMPUTERS.
...AND YET, SOME DAY, SOMEONE'S GONNA LOOK BACK AT US AND WONDER THE SAME THING.
YEAH, BUT THEY'D BE PRETTY STUPID, 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT ALL THAT STUFF.

I WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN MAKE GOOD MONEY BUT STILL CONTRIBUTE TO SOCIETY.
HOW ABOUT BEING AN ATTORNEY?
HEE HEE HOO!!!
HEE HEE HAN!!!
YUK YUK YUK!!
HEE HEE!
SNDOORT!
HEE HOO!!
SNOORRT!!
NO, SERIOUSLY, I WAS THINKING MAYBE A MOBSTER OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT…
THEY DO HAVE AN HONOR CODE.

WE HAD TO END OUR LION PACIFICATION PROGRAM.
WHY?
WE REALIZED THAT ONLY THE DUMB ZEBRAS WERE VOLUNTEERING TO BE EATEN.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
THERE'LL BE NO ONE LEFT TO MAKE FUN OF.

HOW'S YOUR HERD'S LION PACIFICATION PROGRAM GOING?
GOOD... COUSIN BURT VOLUNTEERED TO BE EATEN BY THE LIONS.
WHY'D HE DO THAT?
HE'S STUPID THAT WAY.

HOW'S YOUR HERD'S LION PACIFICATION PROGRAM GOING?
BAD. NONE OF THE ZEBRAS WOULD VOLUNTEER TO BE SACRIFICED TO THE LIONS.
WELL, WHY WOULD THEY?
WE OFFERED A NICE PLAQUE.

MY ZEBRA HERD'S GIVEN UP ON TRYING TO SURVIVE THE LIONS.
INSTEAD, WE'VE DECIDED TO PACIFY THEM BY FREELY OFFERING UP ONE ZEBRA PER WEEK.
BUT WHO'LL PICK THE ZEBRA?
WE'RE ASKING FOR VOLUNTEERS.

DEAR ANTELOPES,
GIVEN THE FACT THAT
BOTH OF OUR HERDS ARE
PURSUSED BY THE DESPOTIC
LIONS, WE HAVE AN OBVIOUS
COMMONALITY OF INTEREST.
WE PROPOSE JOINTLY WRIT-
ING A BOOK FOR DISTRIBUTION
AMONGST THE LIONS THAT
WOULD PERSUADE THEM TO
STOP PURSUING OUR RE-
SPECTIVE HERDS.
ENCLOSED PLEASE FIND OUR
PROPOSED CHAPTER ONE,
TITLED, "WHY KILLING IS
MORALLY WRONG."
WE WOULD GREATLY APPRE-
CIATE IT IF YOU WOULD
CONTRIBUTE A CHAPTER
OF YOUR OWN...
HA HA.
OH, THANK YOU.
DEAR ZEBRAS,
ENCLOSED PLEASE FIND
CHAPTER TWO, "FIFTY
WAYS TO BARBECUE A
ZEBRA."

SIGH...

BEEP BEEP BOOP BOOP
BEEP BEP BOOP BOOP
BEEP BEEP BOOP BOP
BEEP BEEP BOOP BOOP
WHAT
WAS
THAT
NOISE?
MY CAR ALARM...
IT'S TO PAY BACK
THAT NEIGHBOR
WITH THE BARKING
DOG.
YOU
DON'T
OWN
A CAR.
I KNOW... I JUST
TIE IT TO MY REAR
END AND SIT ON
HIS CHIMNEY.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING TO THE TV EARLIER?
SINCE WE LOST THE REMOTE,
I HOOKED IT UP TO "THE CLAPPER"
SO WE CAN AT LEAST
TURN IT OFF EASY.
YOU NEED TO LEARN TO LAUGH
WITHOUT SLAPPING YOUR KNEE.

DID YOU KNOW THAT HALF OF ALL MARRIAGES END IN DIVORCE?
THEN WHY DO PEOPLE GET MARRIED?
SO THEY NEVER HAVE TO BUY THEIR OWN BLENDERS.

I MESSED UP ANOTHER JOB INTERVIEW TODAY.
WHY DO YOU THINK THAT?
THE GUY WAS EXPLAINING THE COMPANY'S SUBSTANCE ABUSE POLICY AND SO I THOUGHT I'D ASK SOME FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
...AND DO YOU SUPPOSE I COULD BE GIVEN A LIST OF THE DATES ON WHICH THESE RANDOM DRUG TESTS WILL OCCUR?

I THINK I BLEW ANOTHER JOB INTERVIEW.
HOW SO?
I TRIED TO SHOW THE GUY HOW SERIOUSLY I TOOK HIS COMPANY'S POLICY AGAINST SEXUAL HARASSMENT.
SOUNDS OKAY TO ME.
...SO THEN, WHICH FELLOW EMPLOYEES DO YOU THINK I CAN GROPE WITHOUT FEAR OF LITIGATION?

I HAD A JOB INTERVIEW TODAY, BUT I DON'T THINK I GOT THE JOB.
WHY NOT?
I THINK I ASKED A STUPID QUESTION.
THEY SAY THERE ARE NO STUPID QUESTIONS.
NOW THEN... HOW STRICT IS YOUR POLICY AGAINST EMPLOYEE THEFT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
FILLING OUT A COLLEGE APPLICATION.
WHY?
THIS COLLEGE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOUR ACADEMIC RECORD. THEY JUST WANT AN ESSAY ON HARDSHIPS YOU'VE OVERCOME.
LEMME SEE.
"DEAR ADMISSIONS OFFICER... MY FATHER DIED. I AM POOR... MY NOSE IS RUNNING AS I WRITE THIS..."
I HAVE NO SHOES. I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT. SOMEONE STOLE MY FRONT DOOR. MY FATHER DIED.
YOU HAVE YOUR FATHER DYING TWICE.
I DO?
...AS YOU CAN SEE, HARD LUCK RUNS IN THE FAMILY."

WHERE'S YOUR CAP O' IMMORTALITY?
I TOOK IT OFF. I REALIZED THAT IF I LIVE FOREVER, AND YOU DON'T, I'LL BE LONELY.
REALLY?
WELL, THAT, AND THE FACT I CAN'T ENTERTAIN WITH A DEAD PIG ON THE SOFA.

WHERE’S MY CAP O’ IMMORTALITY??
IN THE WASHER. IT WAS DIRTY.
WHAT?? YOU’LL GET ME KILLED!! I GOTTA GET IT BACK RIGHT NOW!!!!
UH...WHERE’S THIS "WASHER"?
IN THE GARAGE.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS A FUNNY LOOKING CAR.

WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR CAP O' IMMORTALITY? IT WASN'T AT THAT USED CLOTHING STORE, WAS IT?
PLEASE... I CANNOT REVEAL THIS, AS IT IS ONE OF THE MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE, REVEALED TO ONLY THE CHOSEN FEW.
UNTIL THEN, YOU WILL HAVE TO REMAIN A STUPID PIG.
OF COURSE.

WHERE WERE YOU?
JUMPING OFF OUR ROOF.
JUMPING OFF WHAT??
RELAX. I WORE MY CAP O' IMMORTALITY AND THEREFORE, I AM FINE...
...WHICH, UNFORTUNATELY, IS NOT THE CASE FOR OUR NEIGH-BORS SLEEPING CHIHUAHUA.
PEPE??
HE COULDA USED HIS OWN CAP O' IMMORTALITY.

WHERE WERE YOU?
RUNNING BACK AND FORTH ACROSS THE HIGHWAY.
WHAT??
RELAX... I WAS WEARING MY CAP O' IMMORTALITY... NOTHING CAN HURT ME.
WHY'S YOUR KNEE BLEEDING?
I TRIPPED ON A SPRINKLER.

WHAT'S ON YOUR HEAD?
MY "CAP O' IMMORTALITY." AS LONG AS I'M WEARING IT, I CANNOT DIE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
I'VE HAD IT ON FOR TEN MINUTES, AND YOU'RE NO ANGEL.
I WOULDN'T BE LOOKING FOR ANGELS.
WELL, NO ONE'S POKED ME WITH A PITCHFORK.

SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH MY HEARING, DOCTOR.
NOTHING'S WRONG WITH YOUR HEARING.
SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH MY T.V.
NOTHING'S WRONG WITH YOUR T.V.
SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH MY V.C.R.
NOTHING'S WRONG WITH YOUR V.C.R.
SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH THIS VIDEO.
WHAT'S A SILENT MOVIE?

EVERY TIME I'M ABOUT TO DO SOMETHING BAD, I ASK MYSELF, "WHAT WOULD RAT DO?"
BUT THAT'S YOU.
I LIKE TO STICK WITH WHAT I KNOW.

DID YOU KNOW THAT ALLEN GINSBERG WROTE THE FIRST DRAFT OF "HOWL" ON THE BACK OF COCKTAIL NAPKINS?
NO.
THAT'S WHAT I HEARD. THUS, I HAVE PURCHASED A MEGA-SUPPLY OF NAPKINS SO I CAN BECOME A GREAT POET.
OR, AT A MINIMUM, I'LL BE READY FOR A VERY BIG SPILL.

I'M POOR.
THEY SAY A MAN'S WEALTH IS NOT MEASURED BY MONEY, BUT BY THE NUMBER OF GOOD FRIENDS HE'S MADE.
I'M BANKRUPT.