Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT’S WITH THE UMBRELLA? IT’S NOT EVEN RAINING.
OH. IT’S NOT FOR WEATHER. IT’S A SHIELD TO PROTECT ME FROM THE INSULTS OF OTHERS.
THAT’S THE DUMBEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD.
THAT’S THE DUMBEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD.
HE MAY BE ON TO SOMETHING.

HEY, PIG, I THOUGHT I ASKED YOU TO PUT THAT BOWL OF CHIPS IN THE FAMILY ROOM.
THIS ISN'T THE FAMILY ROOM?
NO. IT'S THE LIVING ROOM.
SO NO FAMILY IS ALLOWED IN THE LIVING ROOM?
NO, THEY ARE.
THEN IS THERE ANY LIVING ALLOWED IN THE FAMILY ROOM?
THERE IS.
WELL, AT LEAST WE KNOW THE DINING ROOM IS WHERE ALL THE DINING OCCURS.
NO. THAT WE DO IN THE DEN.
I DIDN'T DARE ASK WHAT WENT ON IN THE RUMPUS ROOM.

SOMETIMES I LOOK AT SOME OF THE STUFF YOU DO AND THINK, "DOES RAT HAVE ANY MORAL STANDARDS AT ALL?"
YES. I HAVE LOTS OF STANDARDS. I PROBABLY HAVE DOUBLE WHAT THE AVERAGE PERSON HAS.
SO YOU HAVE DOUBLE STANDARDS.
I COULD HAVE PHRASED THAT BETTER.

I'M VERY UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING AND I'D LIKE TO DISCUSS IT.
OKAY.
I RAN...
OH, PLEASE. I DON'T WANT TO ARGUE ABOUT POLITICS AND
...INTO ANOTHER CAR IN THE PARKING LOT.
ALSO, HOW IS THAT POLITICAL?
PLEASE DON'T PAUSE SO LONG BETWEEN WORDS.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS...WHAT IS THE KEY TO CONTENTMENT?
REALIZING THAT YOU CAN'T CHANGE OTHER PEOPLE.
I SUPPOSE YOU'RE RIGHT.
YES, AND NOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
STILL TRY TO CHANGE OTHER PEOPLE.
NOT SURE WHY I DO THIS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
WRITING A PAPER ABOUT THE INTERNET.
I'M SUPPOSED TO EXPLAIN WHY THEY CALL IT THE WORLD WIDE WEB.
BECAUSE IT TRAPS YOU LIKE A SPIDER'S PREY AND ENDS WHAT WAS ONCE A HEALTHY LIFE.
OF COURSE.
IT'S ALL RIGHT THERE IN THE NAME.

HI. WELCOME TO HELL.
ME? I GAVE TO THE POOR, HELPED ORPHANS, VISITED WIDOWS.
YES, BUT WHEN YOU WERE ON AIRPLANES, YOU WATCHED VIDEOS ON YOUR PHONE WITHOUT USING HEADPHONES.
AND I'M AFRAID THAT CANCELS OUT EVERYTHING ELSE.
SOME SINS ARE JUST TOO BIG TO IGNORE.

HOW COME YOU'RE ALWAYS SO GRUMPY IN THE MORNING? WHY NOT BE NICE SOMETIMES?
BECAUSE IN LIFE, YOU GOTTA BE JUST ONE THING.
NO, YOU DON'T. WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE OF THE SHANDY, A COMBINATION OF BEER AND LEMONADE.
BEER RUINED. LEMONADE RUINED.
NEVER MIND.
THE SOFA COUCH. BAD COUCH. BAD SOFA.

Dear Acme Health Insurance,
Every year you charge me more money for less coverage.
It's like you're a diner now selling me half a hamburger for twice the price.
Then I heard it's all because doctors and hospitals charge so much for medical care.
Which made me think—So THAT'S why they have to charge me so much more for so much less...
...And I felt really bad for saying mean things about you.
Then I found out that over the last ten years, you've given your C.E.O. $360,000,000.
Please give me half of the hamburger back.
IF THEY'RE SMART, THEY'LL THROW IN FRIES.

Dear Diary,
I'm so lonely. What are the chances that I'll meet someone and find true love?
IF YOU SPEND ALL YOUR TIME WRITING IN A LITTLE BOOK IN YOUR ROOM? PROBABLY LOW.
WRITING IN MY DIARY IS NOT AS COMFORTING AS IT COULD BE.

HI. WELCOME TO HELL.
HELLO? WHAT AM I HERE FOR?
FOR A LIFETIME OF COMMENTS AND QUESTIONS THAT WERE REALLY JUST INSULTS. TWO OF YOUR FAVORITES WERE "YOU LOOK GOOD FOR YOUR AGE" AND "ARE YOU STILL GOING TO THE GYM?"
THAT'S SO SMART OF YOU TO NOTICE THAT. I'M SURPRISED.
I STUCK HER NEAR THE HOTTEST FLAMES.

HEY, NO-GOOD NICK, WHERE YOU BEEN?
VISITING AN OLD FRIEND WHOSE LIFE IS NOW IN JEOPARDY.
HOLY G#$@... WHAT'D HE DO WRONG?
NOTHING. HIS NAME'S KEN JENNINGS, AND NOW HE'S THE HOST OF JEOPARDY!
I'LL TAKE CRAPPY CARTOONISTS FOR $100.

I HEAR YOU HAD ORIENTATION AT YOUR NEW JOB TODAY. HOW'D IT GO?
THEY SHOWED ME THE DOOR.
OH MY GOODNESS... THEY FIRED YOU?
THEY DID?
YOU SAID THEY SHOWED YOU THE DOOR.
WE'RE A DOOR SUPPLY COMPANY.
I'D LIKE TO DRINK MY COFFEE ALONE NOW.
YOU REALLY JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS.

HEY PIG, I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF COOKING DINNER. DO YOU THINK YOU CAN GO AND GET ME OLIVE OIL?
SURE.
YOU HAVE TO BE VERY LITERAL WITH THAT GUY.

Dear God,
I think when people are young, you should give them the minds of old people. And when they're old, give them the minds of young people.
That way, when someone's young body is capable of doing stupid things, they have an older person's brain that knows better.
And when they're older and have stupid ideas, their old bodies will prevent them from happening.
I'VE PERFECTED HUMANKIND.

HI, ARE YOU MS. ROBERTS?
CALL ME U.R. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
I HEAR YOU WEIGH PEOPLE TO DETERMINE BODY FAT.
YES, WE OFFER THAT, MASSAGES, AND ACUPUNCTURE.
AND IF YOU’RE WORRIED ABOUT WEIGHT LOSS, ONE HIGH PROTEIN/LOW FAT FOOD OPTION IS EWE MEAT. ANYHOW, WHICH OF OUR SERVICES WOULD YOU LIKE?
I LOVE EWE. JUST THE WEIGH, U.R.
WE DID START THE FIRE.

Dear Diary, Why do I always fail at everything I try?
MAYBE BECAUSE YOU SIT HERE WHINING TO A BOOK INSTEAD OF GETTING OFF YOUR BIG, LAZY BUTT?
I NEED A MORE SUPPORTIVE DIARY.

HOW MUCH WAS THE WATER BILL THIS MONTH?
I THINK IT WAS $67.
6-7!
6-7!
WHAT THE G#$% ARE YOU DOING?
IT'S THIS THING YOUNG PEOPLE DO NOW WHENEVER THEY HEAR THE NUMBERS 6-7. IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY MEANING, BUT I FIGURE IT WILL MAKE MY COMIC MORE POPULAR WITH THE YOUTH!
WELL, THAT TREND IS OVER.

YOU KNOW, BOB, I REALLY DON'T FEEL LIKE GOING TO THE GYM TODAY. SHOULD I GO?
SKIP
I'M SURPRISED TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT, BOB, GIVEN HOW FIT YOU ARE.
SKIP.
BUT BOB —
MY @*۩#&* NAME ISN'T BOB! IT'S SKIP!
I'M THINKING NO ONE SHOULD HAVE THAT NAME.

HI. WELCOME TO HELL.
HELL? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?
UNNECESSARILY REPLYING "THANKS" OR "GREAT" TO EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON A GROUP EMAIL OR TEXT.
THAT CAN GET YOU SENT TO HELL?
SURELY YOU DIDN'T THINK YOU PEOPLE WENT TO HEAVEN.
IT'S SAD WHEN I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THAT.

DO YOU EVER TELL ANYONE YOUR DEEPEST DARKEST SECRETS?
NO... THE ONLY PLACE I PUT THEM IS IN MY DIARY.
WHY YOUR DIARY?
BECAUSE PEOPLE BLAB. DIARIES DON'T.
HEY, MARTY, GUESS WHAT THE MOPEY PIG SAID TODAY.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA GET TO DRINK, GOAT?
I THINK I'LL GET ONE OF THESE MOCKTAILS.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S A COCKTAIL, BUT WITHOUT THE ALCOHOL.
IT'S LIKE ORDERING A CUP OF COFFEE, BUT WITHOUT THE COFFEE.
I DON'T THINK I'LL ORDER THAT.
THINK OF DISNEYLAND, BUT WITHOUT THE RIDES.

HELLO. WELCOME TO THE PEARLY GATES.
WHO ARE YOU?
I'M SAINT PETER. YOU'VE JUST DIED.
SO WHAT HAPPENS NOW?
I LOOK IN THE BOOK OF JUDGMENT AND SEE WHAT KIND OF LIFE YOU LED.
AND THEN WHAT?
WELL, IF YOU LED A VIRTUOUS LIFE, I LET YOU IN. OTHERWISE, YOU GO TO THE WARM PLACE.
IS THAT WHAT ALL THOSE OTHER PEOPLE ARE WAITING FOR?
WHICH OTHER PEOPLE?
HEY! YOU! GET THE $@%# OUT OF THERE!!
AND THAT'S YOUR PLAN FOR GETTING INTO HEAVEN?
DECEPTION IS THE KEY TO ETERNAL LIFE.

HEY, OLLIE OYSTER! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU CAME TO THIS SINGLES BAR!
YEP. JUST LOOKING FOR SOME COMPANY.
DO YOU PREFER GUYS OR GIRLS?
I'M A BIVALVE.
THAT MEANS HE SWINGS BOTH WAYS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
WRITING THANK YOU NOTES. I'M TRYING TO GET IN THE HABIT. YOU KNOW, TO BE POLITE. THIS ONE'S FOR MY AUNT.
AWWW... THAT'S VERY SWEET... CAN I SEE IT?
SURE.
Dear Aunt Mary,
Thank you for having lunch with me today and being less annoying than you normally are.
HOW THOUGHTFUL.
IT COMES SURPRISINGLY NATURAL TO ME.