Pearls Before Swine | Search

AND CAN WE GET YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS?
WHAT DO YOU NEED THAT FOR?
JUST SO WE HAVE A CONTACT IN CASE YOU LEAVE ANYTHING IN THE ROOM.
WHAT DO YOU REALLY NEED IT FOR?
TO SEND YOU PROMOTIONAL EMAILS FROM NOW UNTIL THE END OF TIME THAT YOU CAN'T UNSUBSCRIBE FROM EVEN IF YOU TRY A DOZEN TIMES.
IT'S NICE WHEN THEY ADMIT IT.

UNCLE SAM'S AT OUR DOOR AGAIN... HE WANTS MORE MONEY.
ALL THAT GUY DOES IS WASTE IT.
YEAH, BUT HE SAYS HE NEEDS IT FOR ESSENTIAL THINGS THIS TIME.
OH, YEAH? WELL, ASK WHAT HE NEEDS IT FOR SPECIFICALLY.
MONEY TO GAMBLE ON BEER PONG.
I'M STARTING TO DOUBT THAT GUY.

EXERCISE REGIMEN FOR THE NEW YEAR
STEP 1:
Drive to the gym every morning.
STEP 2:
Open trunk and get out gym bag.
STEP 3:
Instead of pushing the little button to automatically close the trunk, reach up and close it myself.
STEP 4:
Drive home.
SOUNDS EXHAUSTING.
IT'S ALL ABOUT SELF-DISCIPLINE.

I'VE TAKEN A LOOK AT YOUR KITCHEN AND THIS IS MY ESTIMATE.
OKAY. LEMME JUST GET MY BUILDING CONTRACTOR CONVERTER.
Contractor's Cost Estimate: $35,000
Multiply that number by 2 because that original number is nowhere close: $70,000
Contractor's Time Estimate: 4 weeks
Multiply that number by 3 because there's no $@#%&*% way that's happening: 12 weeks
Lastly, is the room being done the one that would cause the most inconvenience if not done on time?
No Yes
If yes, double time estimate: 24 weeks
WHO TAUGHT YOU OUR SECRET CODE?
EXPERIENCE.
YES, GOOD LUCK REACHING HIM ON THE PHONE.

I NOTICED YOU DIDN'T MAKE YOUR BED THIS MORNING.
YEAH, I STOPPED DOING THAT.
WHY IS THAT?
I FIGURED OUT THAT IF YOU ADD UP ALL THE TIME YOU SPEND MAKING YOUR BED EVERY MORNING, BY THE END OF YOUR LIFE IT TOTALS TWENTY-TWO YEARS.
I'D QUESTION THE MATH.
I STOPPED DOING THAT, TOO.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M 56... IT'S JUST SO STRANGE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE THINKING YOU'RE YOUNG AND ONE DAY YOU WAKE UP AND YOU'RE OLD.
YOU WENT TO BED YOUNG AND WOKE UP LOOKING LIKE THAT?
I DON'T LIKE THE DIRECTION THIS IS TAKING.
I'LL NEVER GO TO SLEEP AGAIN.
HORRIFYING, ISN'T IT?

HEY, PIG, I NEED TO BORROW SOME MORE CASH. I'M BROKE AND JUST NEED A LITTLE MORE MONEY TO BUY THE BARE ESSENTIALS.
REALLY, UNCLE SAM? WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE HUNDRED DOLLARS I GAVE YOU LAST WEEK?
SET IT ON FIRE AND THREW IT DOWN A MANHOLE.
OUR UNCLE IS NOT GOOD WITH MONEY.

THERE'S A GUY AT THE DOOR WHO SAYS HE'S MY UNCLE.
WHAT'S HE WANT?
SAYS HE SPENT A BIT MORE THAN HE ACTUALLY HAS AND WAS WONDERING IF WE COULD HELP.
HOW MUCH IS HE IN THE HOLE FOR?
THIRTY-FOUR TRILLION DOLLARS.
I'M AFRAID THAT'S MORE THAN WE HAVE IN OUR CHANGE JAR.

I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS.
WHAT'S THE BAD NEWS?
WE'RE BEING AUDITED. SOMEONE STOLE OUR CAR. AND THE BANK IS REPOSSESSING OUR HOUSE.
WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS?
THAT FOR RIGHT NOW, THAT'S IT FOR THE BAD NEWS.
I EXPECTED MORE OF THE GOOD NEWS.

GOAL FOR THE NEW YEAR
work out every single morning!!
IT'S GO TIME!!
As in go straight back to bed.
Zzzzzzzzz

HOW SIEGES WERE CONDUCTED IN THE MIDDLE AGES...
SURRENDER AND COME OUT OF THE CASTLE OR WE'LL KILL ALL THESE HOSTAGES!
WE REFUSE!
SURRENDER OR WE WILL STARVE YOU TO DEATH!
WE STILL REFUSE!
SURRENDER OR WE WILL DERIVE YOU OF WATER!
WE STILL REFUSE!!
HOW A SIEGE WOULD BE CONDUCTED NOW...
SURRENDER OR WE WILL TOSS YOUR SMARTPHONES INTO THAT RIVER.
WHAT WE NEED FOR SURVIVAL HAS CHANGED.
WHAT AN INHUMANE DEMAND!!

YES ! YES !
OH, GREAT WISE ASS, I COME TO YOU WITH ONE OF THE GREAT QUESTIONS OF OUR AGE... HOW DO YOU FOLD A FITTED SHEET?
JUST SMOOSH IT INTO A BALL AND HOPE YOUR SPOUSE DOESN'T NOTICE.
WE'VE BEEN DOING IT RIGHT.

MY FRIEND JUST TEXTED TO SAY HIS ELDERLY MOTHER PASSED AWAY.
REALLY?
YEAH, SO I SENT HIM ONE OF THOSE PRAYER EMOJIS. YOU KNOW, THE ONE WITH THE TWO HANDS PRESSED TOGETHER?
THAT'S NOT A PRAYER EMOJI. THOSE ARE TWO PEOPLE HIGH-FIVING.
I JUST HIGH-FIVED THE DEATH OF HIS MOTHER.
JUST TELL HIM YOU'RE COLD AND UNCARING.

RESOLUTIONS FOR THE NEW YEAR:
Do a whole lot of stupid things less.
I'VE GOT THIS.

i have a friend i want you to meet, but i think i should tell you about him first. his name is ken. ken burns.
ken burns? as in the great documentary filmmaker? the creator behind "the civil war" and "jazz" and "baseball"?
no. ken burns down buildings and stuff.
different guy.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CHRISTMAS PRESENT—A LIVE DUCK.
AS I DO NOT EAT MEAT AND HAVE NO NEED FOR A PET, I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO USE FOR YOUR GIFT.
DITTO FOR THE LIVE DUCKS YOU'VE SENT ME EACH OF THE PAST FIVE YEARS. IN THE FUTURE, PERHAPS YOU COULD REFRAIN FROM SHOPPING FOR ME.
MY GRAND AMBITION HAS BEEN ACHIEVED.

daily thoughts to keep you calm
you can only control what you can control.
so hide while you still can.
I'M CALM. NOT STUPID.

LEARNING AFTER AGE 30
THE TOP FEDERAL TAX BRACKET IS CURRENTLY 37%. IN 1955, IT WAS 91%.
HIGHEST TAX BRACKET HAS 91% RATE
NEW FACT ENTERS BRAIN.
BRAIN REALIZES IT'S TOO FULL TO FIT ANY NEW FACTS.
BRAIN KICKS OUT AN ESSENTIAL ONE.
PTOOE!
WHERE I PUT THE CAR KEYS
HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN
BEHIND YOUR COFFEE MUG.

WHAT ARE YOU HOPPING AROUND FOR?
I'VE DETERMINED THAT THE TROUBLE WITH EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS STAYING IN ONE PLACE FOR TOO LONG.
JOBS, PARTIES, VACATIONS, RELATIONSHIPS...IN LIFE, YOU GOTTA KEEP MOVING. ALWAYS MOVING.
HUFF PUFF HUFF PUFF
I'M SENSING DOWNSIDES TO THE LIFESTYLE.
I'M BUILT BETTER FOR SLOTH.

HOW TO BE A PROFESSIONAL WRITER IN TWO EASY STEPS by RAT
STEP 1
Choose a selection of words from the 170,000 available to you in the English language.
STEP 2
Put them in the right order.
I THINK THERE'S MORE TO IT THAN THAT.
P.S.
Drink a lot.

WELL, PIG, I KNOW THIS IS ONLY YOUR FIRST WEEK WORKING IN OUR OFFICE, BUT WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO LET YOU GO. THE COMPANY'S GOING IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION.
WHAT DIRECTION IS THAT?
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT ASK, SO I MADE YOU SOME GRAPHS.
GRAPHS CAN BE SO HELPFUL.

WHAT DID YOU DO FOR FUN WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG, UNCLE RAT?
I USED TO LOVE MAKING PRANK CALLS. LIKE THIS ONE TIME --
WHAT'S A "PRANK CALL"?
WHADDYA MEAN? IT'S WHEN YOU CALL RANDOM STRANGERS AND PRETEND YOU'RE SOMEONE YOU'RE NOT.
BUT THEY COULD SEE ON THEIR PHONE WHO IT WAS.
NO. IN THOSE DAYS, YOU DIDN'T KNOW.
JUST LOOK AT THE DARN SCREEN!
WE DIDN'T HAVE STUPID SCREENS.
TELL A STORY THAT MAKES SENSE.

WE GOT ANOTHER CHRISTMAS CARD LETTER. THIS ONE FROM THE JOHNSONS DETAILING EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED TO THEM AND THEIR TWO KIDS AT HARVARD OVER THE PAST YEAR.
GREAT. HOW LONG IS IT?
THREE PAGES.
GOOD KINDLING IS SO IMPORTANT.

HEY, RAT, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD WRITE ME A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION FOR THIS JOB I'M TRYING TO GET?
SURE.
HE'S NOT AS BIG OF A DUMBO%# AS YOU'D THINK.
I'M THINKING IT COULD BE MORE EFFECTIVE.

SORRY, BUD, BUT I WAITED FIVE YEARS FOR THIS UBER. I GONNA SIT IN MY RATING OF YOU.
YEAH, WELL YOU SCRATCHED MY DOOR WITH YOUR SUITCASE AND MY RATING OF YOU IS LOWER THAN A TWO.
YEAH, WELL THIS PLACE IS SUPPOSED TO BE FIVE, BUT I'M PUTTING THAT IN A YELP REVIEW.
YOU'D HELP RUIN A FAMILY-OWNED BUSINESS. I'M GONNA POST ABOUT YOUR PRIVILEGED, SPOILED BEHAVIOR ON TWITTER.
GO AHEAD!! AND I'LL FILM YOU ON MY PHONE AND PUT IT ON -
DID YOU CATCH THAT EPIC FAIL ON YOUR PHONE?
YEP. POSTING IT NOW FOR EVERYONE TO SEE.
I'M CALLING IT I KNOW WHY WE'RE SO UNHAPPY.
NOT THAT GOOD. I'M GIVING IT ONE STAR ON AMAZON.