Pearls Before Swine | Search

HOW WAS THE BINGO TOURNAMENT LAST NIGHT?
IT WAS CANCELLED... ONE OF THE CEILING TILES FELL AND CRUSHED MS. PINKETT.
HOW AWFUL.
SHE KNEW THE RISKS OF PLAYING THE GAME.

I WENT TO MS. PINKETT'S FUNERAL LAST NIGHT.
HOW WAS IT?
IT WAS VERY MOVING... SOMEONE PLACED THE CARD FROM HER LAST BINGO GAME IN HER HANDS.
HOW NICE.
EVERYONE CRIED WHEN THEY SAW SHE ONLY NEEDED AN "O".
SHE WENT OUT WITH A BING.

IF YOU WERE STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND AND COULD ONLY TAKE ONE THING WITH YOU TO READ, WHAT WOULD IT BE ?
A NEWSPAPER.
NO, YOU DUMB PIG... A NEWSPAPER WOULD GET OLD AFTER ONE DAY.
OH, NO... I’D SUBSCRIBE.

ON LONG DARK EVENINGS, I AM SOMETIMES OVERWHELMED BY MY FEARS.
YOUR EARS?
MY EARS? WHAT ABOUT MY EARS? DID YOU SAY SOMETHING ABOUT MY EARS?
YES...DON'T LET THEM SCARE YOU.
YOU SCARE ME.
MY EARS ARE HARMLESS.

IF SOMEONE TOLD YOU THAT YOU ONLY HAD FIVE YEARS TO LIVE, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
EASY... I'D SCREAM.
NO, YOU DUMB PIG... WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH THE FIVE YEARS YOU HAD LEFT?
I'D SCREAM EVEN MORE.
I THINK I'M GONNA START SCREAMING.
ARE YOU DYING?

WERE YOU EVER THROWN OUT OF A CLUB?
PLENTY, WHY?
BECAUSE THAT "SOCIETY OF CULTURED PIGS" GROUP JUST BOOTED ME.
THEY GOT WORD OF THE BACON THING, HUH?
...BUT B.L.T.'S TASTE SO DARN GOOD.
THEY'RE TOO JUDGMENTAL.

HAM SANDWICH, PLEASE.
YOU CAN'T ORDER THAT... YOU'RE A PIG...IT COULD BE A RELATIVE...
RELATIVE?? HANG ON...
FRANKIE, HEY, IT'S YOUR COUSIN PIG.
HOW YOUZE DOIN', PIG?
GOOD, GOOD...LISTEN, HOW'S YOUR SISTER?
FINE, FINE.
HOW'S UNCLE GEORGE?
OH, PRETTY GOOD THERE.
AND AUNT VIVIAN?
WELL, ACTUALLY, SHE WENT OUT TO PLAY BINGO LAST NIGHT AND WE HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HER SINCE.
NOT A WORD?
NOPE. NOT A WORD.
BETTER MAKE THAT A FRUIT SALAD.

I THINK THAT I WILL DIE ON THE LAS VEGAS STRIP... MY NAKED BODY WILL BE FOUND BY A STREET CLEANER NAMED BUDDY.
DESPITE THE FACT THAT IT WILL BE A SLOW NEWS DAY, MY UNTIMELY DEATH WILL GARNER ABSOLUTELY NO COVERAGE.
I FEEL SORRY FOR BUDDY.
YOU’RE MISSING THE POINT. DEAD RATS ARE GROSS.

NEVER TRUST A CIRCUS CLOWN. THOSE WERE MY FATHER'S LAST WORDS.
HOW DID YOUR FATHER DIE?
HE WAS SMACKED IN THE HEAD WITH A SPRITZER BOTTLE.

HOW IS IT THAT NO MATTER WHAT YOU ACCOMPLISH IN LIFE, YOU STILL DIE?
I MEAN, IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET A DEATH EXEMPTION FOR DOING GREAT THINGS, WHY NOT JUST SIT AROUND AND BE DUMB, FAT AND LAZY?
CAN THIS WAIT UNTIL "COPS" IS OVER?

I WANNA BE IMMORTAL.
NOT ME.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE MY FEET WOULD HURT REAL BAD AFTER A WHILE....
YOU NEED A BETTER SOLE.
LOOK WHO'S TALKING.

I WANNA BE IMMORTAL.
THANKS, GOAT.
THAT'S HOW I THINK OF YOU.
IMMORTAL... WITH A "T"...
THAT WON'T BE AS EASY FOR YOU.

THINK OF ALL THE GOOD PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO HELP OTHER PEOPLE AND YET YOU AND I... WE JUST SIT HERE.
DON'T WORRY, PIG... THEY'LL HELP US TOO SOME DAY.

ARE YOU WATCHING THE ART
HISTORY CHANNEL?
SHHH... I'M
TRYING TO HEAR
THIS.
OOHH...WHAT'S
YOUR
PROBLEM?
THAT PAINTING'S CALLED "THE SCREAM."
WHY'S HE SCREAMING?
I DON'T KNOW. CAN I
WATCH THIS?
HE PROBABLY GOT
TIRED OF THAT
MOANING LISA.
GEEZ...WHY
WAS LISA
MOANING?
I THINK SHE SAW THAT VAN
GOGH GUY CUT HIS EARS
OFF.
OKAY...FORGET IT...YOU TWO KNOW
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT ART
AND IF YOU HAD ANY SENSE, YOU'D
BE EMBARRASSED BY HOW STUPID
YOU SOUND.
I'M LEAVING.
SO WHY'D HE CUT HIS EARS OFF?
I GUESS HE DIDN'T WANT TO
HEAR ALL THAT SCREAMING.

THE KEY TO BEING A GREAT POET IS TO BE SO OBSCURE THAT NOBODY CAN UNDERSTAND YOU, MUCH LESS CRITICIZE YOU.
"ATOP THE FOG THE ZEBRA'S BUTTOCKS ANGRY AT MY MOTHER'S SLOTH."
DON'T TELL ANYONE MY SECRET, OKAY?
I DON'T THINK I'LL HAVE TO.

I GOT A JOB WRITING GREETING CARDS. THIS ONE'S FOR A WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.
LET'S HEAR IT.
"DEAR WIFE... TODAY'S A DAY I GOTTA BUY YOU A CARD...'CAUSE IF I DON'T, YOU'LL PROBABLY MAKE MY LIFE WORSE THAN YOU ALREADY DO."
THEN I'VE GOT SOME THAT AREN'T SO ROMANTIC.

SO WHAT'S IT LIKE BEING A MONKEY TRAINER IN THE TRAVELING CIRCUS?
OKAY. BUT I GET REAL LONELY ALWAYS BEING AWAY FROM MY WIFE.
WELL, YOU MUST REALLY LOVE THE MONKEY BUSINESS.
I GUESS NOT.

WHERE WERE YOU?
I VOLUNTEERED TO MAKE SOME BALLOON ANIMALS FOR KIDS.
YEAH... WITH THOSE LONG NARROW BALLOONS, YOU CAN MAKE ALMOST ANYTHING.
LONG NARROW BALLOONS?
LOOK, KIDS... IT'S ANOTHER BLOWFISH!!!
GROAN

I HATE THIS STUPID RESTAURANT... WE’VE BEEN HERE TEN MINUTES AND WE DON’T EVEN HAVE SILVERWARE.
MAYBE THE WAITRESS IS A SINGLE MOTHER WHO’S TIRED ‘CAUSE SHE STAYED UP ALL LAST NIGHT TAKING CARE OF A SICK INFANT.
PLEASE DON’T HUMANIZE THE MORONS AROUND ME, IT MAKES ME VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.
HER NAME IS BETSY.

LOOK AT THIS SHOW ON ANCIENT
GREEK SCULPTURE... WHAT AN
AMAZING CULTURE.
WHAT'S SO AMAZING?
WELL... THEY ACCOMPLISHED ALL
THIS STUFF DESPITE THE FACT THAT
SO MANY PEOPLE WERE MISSING THEIR
ARMS AND THE TIPS OF THEIR NOSES.
AND LOOK AT THAT POOR GUY...
HE HAD NO HEAD.
I'M LOOKING AT HIM.

THAT'LL BE TWO HUNDRED BUCKS.
WHAT? JUST FOR MILK AND CHIPS?
... AND ABOUT THIRTY-FIVE POUNDS WORTH OF PORK.
YOU CAN'T CHARGE ME FOR HIM... HE'S A THINKING PIG, NOT AN EATING PIG.
HE'S CULTURED. HE KNOWS ART. HE LIKES MUSIC. HE READS SHAKESPEARE.
SHOW HIM, PIG... GIVE HIM SOME KING LEAR OR HAMLET.
HMMM... I GOT IT.
STELLAAAAAAA!!!
THAT'LL BE TWO HUNDRED BUCKS.
I COULDA BEEN A CONTENDUH.)
YOU SHOULDA BEEN BACON.

YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE NEW FUNERAL DIRECTOR AT "HAPPY HOMES MORTUARY."
WHY'D YOU WANT THAT JOB?
BECAUSE IF I SCREW UP, NOTHING REALLY BAD CAN HAPPEN.
HOW DO YOU FIGURE?
WELL, FOR ONE THING, THE CUSTOMER'S ALREADY DEAD.

HOW WAS YOUR FIRST DAY AS A FUNERAL DIRECTOR?
OKAY... I GAVE MY FIRST EULOGY.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
THE USUAL. FRED WAS A GOOD MAN. FRED WAS A GOOD HUSBAND. WE ALL LOVED FRED.
SOUNDS FINE.
NOT REALLY... TURNS OUT HIS NAME WAS BOB.

HOW WAS YOUR SECOND DAY AS A FUNERAL DIRECTOR?
HOW SO?
BAD. TODAY WAS OLD MAN HARRY'S FUNERAL AND I MESSED UP.
ACCIDENTS HAPPEN.
AS WE WERE LOWERING THE CASKET INTO THE GRAVE, THE CABLE SNAPPED AND THE CASKET CRASHED TO THE BOTTOM.
...THEN HARRY YELLED "OW!!"
OH MY.
HARRY'S A VERY HEAVY SLEEPER.

IF YOU COULD HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH ONE PERSON, LIVING OR DEAD, WHO WOULD IT BE?
THE LIVING ONE.
YOU MUST THINK I'M REALLY STUPID.