Pearls Before Swine | Search

...WHEN THE COWBOYS AWOKE IN THE MORNING, THEY NOTICED THEIR GUNSLINGER, MALCOLM, WAS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. HE HAD BEEN LIKELY KIDNAPPED BY THE DREADED APACHE.
MALC'S GONE.
CURSE THOSE INDIANS.
WE WILL RIDE OUR HORSES TO THEIR CAMP AND ASK IF THEY HAVE MALCOLM SAID THE COWBOY.
HOLD ON SAID JOE THE COWBOY. THOSE INDIANS WILL ASSUME WE'RE HOSTILE ATTACKING AND SHOOT US BEFORE WE GET WITHIN 100 YARDS OF THEIR CAMP.
THEN WHAT CAN WE DO? ASKED FRED.
LISTEN FRED. WITH THE APACHE, YOU HAVE TO SIGNAL YOUR INTENTIONS BY WEARING THE RIGHT FACEPAINT. IF YOU WANT TO SHOW YOU COME IN PEACE, YOU SMEAR WHITE PAINT AROUND YOUR MOUTH.
WEARING THE APPROPRIATE FACEPAINT AND HOPING TO FIND THEIR FRIEND, JOE AND FRED CAREFULLY APPROACHED THE APACHE CAMP, FINALLY COMING FACE-TO-FACE WITH THE APACHE CHIEF, TO WHOM THEY POSED THEIR FATEFUL QUERY.
WHAT WAS IT?
GOT MALC?

Hi. I'm here to see the room you're subletting.
PREPARE TO GET FLEECED, SUCKER.
Forget it. I'm not interested anymore.
What? Why?
I READ THE THOUGHT BALLOON ABOVE YOUR HEAD IN THE FIRST PANEL.
Curse this cartoon life.

DUDE... THE F.B.I. RAIDED THE 'FAMILY CIRCUS' HOUSE AND FOUND BIN LADEN.
HOW'D THEY KNOW HE WAS THERE?
I GUESS SOMEONE REPORTED SEEING HIM DOWNTOWN WITH ONE OF THE KIDS AND THE FEDS JUST FOLLOWED THEM BACK TO THE 'FAMILY CIRCUS' HOUSE.
BUT HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE SO HARD TO FOLLOW.
"Curse you, little Billy."

HELLO??
HI, MOM. IT'S ME, WREN.
WREN? MY NEWBORN BABY?
SINCE WHEN DO YOU TALK?
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ABLE TO TALK, BUT KIRKMAN AND SCOTT DON'T WANT TO SHOW IT 'CUZ I'M THE LAST KID THEY'RE GONNA ADD TO THIS STRIP, AND IF I GREW UP TOO FAST, THEY'RE OUT OF A G@#$%^&* JOB ... CAPICHE, WANDA?
THAT'S "MOM" AND SINCE WHEN DO YOU CURSE?
CHILL, HOMEY. LISTEN, THE BABYSITTER SHOZIE'S DEAD AND HAMMIE BLEW UP A GAS STATION AND THE GUY FROM "ZITS" IS DEAD DO YOU MIND IF I USE THE DOWN FEATHERS FROM YOUR PILLOW TO STUFF A DEAD ANIMAL?
AHHHHHHHH
HHHH
HHH
YOU FREAK OUT AT THE SLIGHTEST G@#$%^&* THING.

DANNY DONKEY ANGRY AT THE WORLD.
DO YOU HATE ME, DANNY DONKEY?
YES I DO.
DANNY DONKEY HATED EVERYONE.
DANNY DONKEY THOUGHT EVERYONE WAS DUMB AND LET THEM KNOW IT.
I THINK YOU'RE DUMB.
THAT HURTS, DANNY DONKEY.
GOOD.
GOOD!
ONE DAY, DANNY DONKEY WENT TO THE STORE AND BOUGHT TWENTY THOUSAND BRICKS.
THAT NIGHT, WHILE THE TOWN SLEPT, DANNY DONKEY BRICKED IN EVERYONE'S DOORS AND WINDOWS.
I'M TRAPPED.
ME TOO.
CURSE THAT DANNY DONKEY.
WHEN THE SUN ROSE, THE STREETS WERE EMPTY, SAVE FOR DANNY DONKEY, WHO SAT ON HIS FAVORITE PARK BENCH AND SMOKED A CARTON OF STOLEN CIGARETTES.
I AM HAPPY NOW.
CIGARETTES
YOU MEAN I DON'T WRITE FOR CHILDREN'S BOOKS?
WHAT KIND OF BABY COMMITS A HOMICE-

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
YES. I NEED A GUN. MY NEIGHBOR BOTHERS ME AND I'D LIKE TO POP HIM IN THE REAR A COUPLE OF TIMES.
SIR... I CAN'T SELL A GUN TO SOMEONE WHO TELLS ME THAT THEY'RE GONNA "POP" THEIR NEIGHBOR IN THE REAR A COUPLE OF TIMES.
FINE. I TAKE IT BACK. I SHALL ONLY SHOOT HIM ONCE.
... CURSE THESE LIBERAL GUN LAWS.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
A SHORT STORY. I THINK IF I WORK REALLY HARD, I CAN GET IT PUBLISHED.
AND MONKEYS WILL FLY OUT OF MY BUM.
CURSE THAT CONNIE THE JUDGMENTAL COW.

OKAY, SNUFFLES. I'M LETTING YOU OUT OF YOUR CAGE, BUT ONLY BECAUSE YOU'VE TOLD ME ALL THE BAD CAT THINGS YOU'VE BEEN DOING AT NIGHT AND PROMISED NEVER TO DO THEM AGAIN.
SO IF THERE'S ANYTHING ELSE YOU'RE HIDING, LIKE ANY MORE W.M.D.'S OR VIDEOS YOU MADE IN CAVES, I NEED TO KNOW NOW.
Meow.
Curse you, backstabbing kitty.

The Passionsaurus was strong and virile.
He roared.
He romped.
He stomped.
One day, the Passionsaurus stumbled upon a tiny creature, the Routinesaurus.
I will topple you, Passionsaurus.
said the Routinesaurus. The Passionsaurus laughed.
As the days went by, the Passionsaurus came upon more Routines. And these.
Me met Mortgages. And Car repairs. And THE KIDS.
AND TAXES.
And the Routines multiplied.
And they threw rocks.
And one day, through sheer numbers and persistence, the Routines finally toppled the great Passionsaurus, who fell, not with a bang, but a whimper.
YOU CALL THIS A WEDDING ANNIVERSARY CARD??
I SAID THIS IS THE WEDDING ANNIVERSARY CARD.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR DAMN ROUTINES!!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M HUNGOVER. NOW THAT I AM A GREAT WRITER, I TRY TO ONLY WRITE WHEN I'M IN THE THROES OF DIONYSIAN BLISS.
HERE, READ MY WORK FROM LAST NIGHT AND TELL ME IF I STRUCK ANY NUGGETS OF LITERARY GOLD ...
BEER
GOOD.
I'D SAY
NO.
CURSES. BUY ME ANOTHER SIX-PACK.

MOM, YOU BETTER COME QUICK.
I THINK DAD'S BEEN TRANQUILIZED.
IT'S ALMOST LIKE HE'S STARTING TO HALLUCINATE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
CURSE YOU FLYEENG BUNNIEEES!!!
CLOSE THE DRAPES, SON.
GOTCHA.
YOU WILL PAY FOR DAT LAMP, YOU ANGRY LEETLE BUNNY.

Whuh matter you, woorman?
Studip printer's not working. It's out of ink.
Froo froo
froo froo
Paper jam, boy!
It ees me.
Spidey sense tell me you have paper jam.
NO. WE HAVE AN EMPTY PRINTER CARTRIDGE.
Preenter cartridge? Dat like sooo esspensive... Such reep-off... And no me has powerrr to feex... Oh, no... Me fading fast... Look... like... evil... preenter...
...defeet me.
THUD!
YOUR SUPERHERO IS SOMETHING LESS THAN SUPER.
CURSE YOU, EVIL HOOLITT PACKURD!!

PATTY, I'M GONNA BE IN MY OFFICE DOING SOME PAPERWORK. GOTTA REMOVE SOME STAPLES FROM THESE DOCUMENTS WITH THIS STAPLE REMOVER. SO IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, JUST LET ME—
...STAPLE REMOVER...
CURSE YOU, ZEEBA NEIGHBAAAAAAAAH

HI, OFFICER... THANKS FOR COMING... LISTEN, IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE HAS BROKEN INTO OUR HOUSE AND SMASHED ALL OUR STUFF WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER OR SOMETHING.
ANY IDEA WHO?
I DID IT, OFFICER. I CONFESS.
WHO ARE YOU?
I'M PROFESSOR.
WELL, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.
I HAVE TENURE.
NOTHING WE CAN DO, BOYS.
CURSE YOU, TENURED PROFESSOR GUY!!
IN-YOUR-FACE! IN-YOUR-FACE!!

HELLO, HOW WAS YOUR TRIP TO WASHINGTON? DID YOU GET THE CROCS BANNED?
NO. THE CROCS GAVE OUR SENATOR MORE CASH THAN US, SO HE VOTED FOR THEM. AND MAN, IT MUST HAVE BEEN A WHOLE LOT OF CASH.
WHAT?? WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE THEY'RE SHOOTING YOU ON THE CAPITOL STEPS AT DAWN.
CURSE THIS HIGHEST BIDDER DEMOCRACY!!!
ON A BRIGHTER NOTE, THEY GOT YOU THIS COMPLIMENTARY BLINDFOLD AND CIGARETTE.

DO YOU THINK FAMOUS PEOPLE GOOGLE THEIR OWN NAME TO SEE WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT THEM?
I DOUBT IT. THEY KNOW WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING. BUT I BET THE SEMI-FAMOUS DO.
WHO ARE THEY?
PEOPLE IN THE PUBLIC EYE WHO DON'T NECESSARILY GET RECOGNIZED IN THE GROCERY STORE. IF YOU ASK ME, I BET THAT GROUP'S FILLED WITH INSECURE LOSERS WHO GOOGLE THEMSELVES JUST TO FIND OUT WHO'S RIPPING THEM ON INTERNET MESSAGE BOARDS.
CURSE YOU, CARTOONCRITICS24!!

STORY UPDATE:
Someone has taken a photo of a drunken Larry in a bar greeting a zebra with the crocodiles’ sacred badonkadonkdonk greeting, which involves one party rubbing his buttocks (badonkadonks) against that of the second party.
ME GOTTA KEEL PERSON WHO HAVE PHOTO BEFORE LARRY WHOLE LIFE RUINED!!
You got photo, Larry. Was taken on you iPhone.
Larry iPhone? Den me just delete before anyone see!!
Dat GREAT idea.
If you no had posted on Facebook.
I NO POST ON--------
IT'S HILARIOUS. A FRIEND SENT IT TO ME.
CURSE YOU, SOSHILL MEEDIA!!

Zeeba neighba....
WHAT?
Dere no barrier. No bush. No fence. Nutting stop us keel you. Dis beeg moment me wait for.
FIST
BUMP
CHEST
BUMP
Speach! speach!
Okay...Uh...Good knowing you...Me hate you face...Die...
AARGHHH
THWACK
THWACK
Guy protected by force field, Bob.
Curse you, technology.

HEY, MOM, WHY DID YOU CUT YOUR HAIR?
TO EXPRESS MYSELF BETTER.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, SWEETIE, PRETEND FOR A MOMENT THAT I WANTED TO TELL YOU THE SECRET OF A SUCCESSFUL LIFE, BUT I HAVE MY OLD HAIR.
OKAY.
OKAY...THE SECRET OF A SUCCESSFUL LIFE IS
SPEECH BALLOON INTERFERENCE.
THE CURSE OF THE BIG-HAIRED WOMAN.

DO YOU THINK COMIC STRIP CENSOR-SHIP IS MORE STRICT THAN THE CENSORSHIP YOU SEE IN OTHER FORMS OF MASS ENTERTAINMENT?
DOES A BEAR SIT IN THE WOODS?
CURSE YOU, TRICKY RAT.
WHAT NOW?
NO MORE TALK OF BEARS IN THE WOODS.

DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE WE'VE GIVEN UP TOO MUCH OF OUR PRIVACY? THAT EVERYONE CAN NOW SEE EVERYTHING WE DO?
THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE PARANOID TO ME.
REALLY?
YEAH. SOMETIMES I SIT IN A JAPANESE GARDEN I BUILT IN MY BACKYARD AND NOBODY SEES ME THERE.
IS IT THIS ONE HERE WITH THE KOI POND?
CURSE YOU, GOOGLE EARTH!
IS THAT YOU PICKING YOUR NOSE?

HEY, RAT. WELCOME TO MY COCKTAIL PARTY. CAN I GET YOU A BEVERAGE?
DUDE... TALK LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY 'BEVERAGE.' JUST SAY 'DRINK' AND STOP BEING A HOITY TOITY FATFACE.
CAN I GET YOU A LIBATION?
CURSE YOUR SNOOTY FATFACE!

WANT TO PLAY A DRINKING GAME WITH ME?
WHAT IS IT?
YOU DRINK A BEER EVERY TIME A CNN POLITICAL ANALYST BEGINS THEIR ANSWER WITH THE WORD ‘LOOK’
OKAY. I’LL PLAY FOR A FEW MINUTES.
CURSE YOO, DAVID GERGEN.

TODAY WE LIVE IN THE MOST AMAZING ERA EVER. ALL THE WORLD'S INFO AND GOODS AND SERVICES AT OUR FINGERTIPS.
FOODS, RIDES, DATES, TICKETS - ANYTHING YOU WANT - INSTANTLY AVAILABLE.
AND WE'RE NOT ONE BIT HAPPIER.
IN FACT, WE'RE QUITE MISERABLE !!
CURSE YOU EVIL LITTLE THING.

WHEN FRED GOT HOME, HIS LIVING ROOM WAS FILLED WITH FRIENDS, FAMILY AND CO-WORKERS.
WHAT THE #@%& IS GOING ON?
IT'S AN INTERVENTION, FRED. YOU'RE AN ADDICT.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PICK ME UP FROM SCHOOL. SAID HIS SON. BUT YOU DIDN'T. AND IT MADE YOU VERY LATE.
FIRST, IT WAS ONCE A DAY, THEN TWICE, NOW THREE TIMES. SAID HIS WIFE.
AND IT MAKES YOUR PERFORMANCE AT WORK UNBEARABLE. SAID A CO-WORKER. WE NEVER KNOW IF WE'RE GETTING GOOD YOU OR BAD YOU.
ARE YOU CURSED? NO, FRED?
CAN WE CHECK YOUR CAR? NO. NO. YOU CAN'T. IT'S MY CAR!
FRED RAN FOR THE DOOR, BUT HIS FRIENDS RESTRAINED HIM, AS THE NEED UNMITT DIVE TO SLIDE TO CHECK HIS CAR.
OUT OF WHICH FELL 37 STARBUCKS CUPS.
JUST SAY NO.
DON'T YOU TOUCH MY PEPPERMINT MOCHA.
I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!