Pearls Before Swine | Search

DANNY DONKEY ANGRY AT THE WORLD.
DO YOU HATE ME, DANNY DONKEY?
YES I DO.
DANNY DONKEY HATED EVERYONE.
DANNY DONKEY THOUGHT EVERYONE WAS DUMB AND LET THEM KNOW IT.
I THINK YOU'RE DUMB.
THAT HURTS, DANNY DONKEY.
GOOD.
GOOD!
ONE DAY, DANNY DONKEY WENT TO THE STORE AND BOUGHT TWENTY THOUSAND BRICKS.
THAT NIGHT, WHILE THE TOWN SLEPT, DANNY DONKEY BRICKED IN EVERYONE'S DOORS AND WINDOWS.
I'M TRAPPED.
ME TOO.
CURSE THAT DANNY DONKEY.
WHEN THE SUN ROSE, THE STREETS WERE EMPTY, SAVE FOR DANNY DONKEY, WHO SAT ON HIS FAVORITE PARK BENCH AND SMOKED A CARTON OF STOLEN CIGARETTES.
I AM HAPPY NOW.
CIGARETTES
YOU MEAN I DON'T WRITE FOR CHILDREN'S BOOKS?
WHAT KIND OF BABY COMMITS A HOMICE-

Danny Donkey was being a jerk.
Danny Donkey saw Katie Cow playing her Game Boy.
May I play witht Game Boy?
I want to play with it, Danny Donkey.
"Sharing is important," said Danny Donkey, "Sharing is good."
Okay, Danny Donkey, I will share.
Danny Donkey grabbed the Game Boy and never came back.
THIS IS THE CHILDREN'S BOOK YOU'RE WRITING?
YES, I SHOW SOME BAD BEHAVIOR AND USE IT TO TEACH KIDS A MORAL.
WHERE'S THE MORAL?
LAST PAGE.
Never share.
YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T BE WRITING CHILDREN'S BOOKS.
CHAPTER TWO: WHY HITTING IS SOMETIMES OKAY.

Danny Donkey walked to school.
Danny Donkey saw Bob.
Bob called Danny a name.
MORON!
Danny punched Bob.
Principal Jack saw Danny punch Bob.
Danny went to detention.
Is this the children's book you've been working on?
Yes. I show foolish behavior and hope kids learn from it.
AND THE LESSON HERE IS THAT TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT?
Close.
Only punch Bob when the principal is distracted.
BUH BYE
YOU MAY BE SENDING THE WRONG MESSAGE.
WRITE YOUR OWN CHILDREN'S BOOK.

BEHOLD!! THE PROTOTYPE OF MY "DANNY DONKEY" DOLL, A CUTE L'IL TALKING DOLL I HAD MADE IN CHINA. IT'S FOR KIDS OF ALL AGES.
YAHA IT'S SO HUG-ABLE.
GO AHEAD... PULL THE CORD AND HEAR IT SAY CUTE L'IL THINGS LIKE "I LOVE LICORICE."
WAHAHA I'D LOVE TO.
I ROB LIQUOR STORES. I ROB LIQUOR STORES.
IT APPEARS WE HAVE A TRANSLATION PROBLEM.
THERE'S NO BOOZE LIKE FREE BOOZE. THERE'S NO BOOZE LIKE FREE BOOZE.

HELLO, MA'AM. MAY I INTEREST YOU IN A TALKING "DANNY DONKEY" DOLL? ...IT'S FOR KIDS OF ALL AGES.
WELL, I HAVE A YOUNG KID... WHAT'S IT SAY?
CUTE LIL' THINGS, LIKE "I LOVE HUGS," AND "I LOVE PUPPIES."...PULL THE CORD AND SEE FOR YOURSELF...
I DRINK BEER TO FORGET MY PROBLEMS. I DRINK BEER TO FORGET MY PROBLEMS.
WE'RE GETTING THAT FIXED!
DUDE, AM I LOADED! DUDE, AM I LOADED!
DUDE, AM I LOADED! DUDE, AM I LOADED!

HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN THE PROTOTYPE OF MY NEW "DANNY DONKEY" DOLL?
THE ONE YOU SHOWED ME YESTERDAY THAT SAYS "I ROB LIQUOR STORES"?
YEAH. I HAVE TO SEND IT TO THE FACTORY SO THEY CAN MAKE IT SAY APPROPRIATE THINGS LIKE "I LOVE RAINBOWS."
WELL, IT HAS TO BE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE... HOW FAR COULD A CHILDREN'S STUFFED ANIMAL GET?

WHAT THE...? WHY IS MY "DANNY DONKEY" DOLL SURROUNDED BY BOOZE AND CIGARETTES? WHAT'D YOU DO?
I DIDN'T DO IT.
WELL, I DIDN'T DO IT.
THEN WHO DID?
OH, SURE... BLAME THE STUFFED ANIMAL.

DANNY DONKEY HATED HIS NEIGHBORS.
HE HATED HIS DOCTOR, HIS LAWYER AND HIS ACCOUNTANT.
I HATE YOU ALL!
WHY ME, DANNY DONKEY?
HE HATED LEADERS, FOLLOWERS AND AUTHORITY FIGURES.
BUY A HOUSE NEPHEW DONK.
HE HATED REALTORS, REAL ESTATE AGENTS, AND RELATIVES WHO WERE REAL ESTATE AGENTS.
BAN PEOPLE
WHY?
TRY BANNING YOURSELF
BUT NO ONE LISTENED.
SO DANNY HIT THEM WITH HIS SIGN.
SUDDENLY REALIZING THAT THE VALUE OF HIS SIGN WAS NOT IN THE MESSAGE, BUT IN THE STICK TO WHICH IT WAS ATTACHED, DANNY SPENT THE REST OF HIS LIFE HITTING PEOPLE WITH STICKS.
PLEASE STOP WRITING CHILDREN'S BOOKS.
FOOL! I AM A MASTER OF THE GENRE.
WHOA... CHAPTER TWO, DANNY FINDS NEW USES FOR STICKS.

Danny Donkey stood on the edge of the cliff and pondered the end.
The end of the headaches and the stomach aches.
The end of the bills and the calls.
The end of the half-truths, the lies and the outright frauds.
The end of all that is bad.
And threw his lawyer over the cliff.
THIS IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE CHILDREN'S BOOK.
BUT I WROTE SUCH AN UPLIFTING ENDING.
YAY FOR DANNY! YAY!

DANNY DONKEY SAT AT HOME IN HIS UNDERWEAR AND DRANK BEER. THE DOORBELL RANG.
DING DONG
"HELP SAVE THE PLANET," SAID THE PEOPLE AT HIS DOOR.
"HUH?" SAID DANNY DONKEY.
"SIGN A PETITION."
"ATTEND A RALLY."
"DISPLAY A BUMPER STICKER."
"I WOULD LIKE TO SIT AT HOME IN MY UNDERWEAR AND DRINK BEER," SAID DANNY DONKEY.
"BUT DOES THAT ACCOMPLISH?" ASKED THE PEOPLE.
"THE BEER THAT I AM HOLDING WILL GO FROM FULL TO EMPTY," SAID DANNY DONKEY, "AND I WILL BE HAPPY."
AND AT THAT, THE PEOPLE WEPT, FOR THEY REALIZED THE GENIUS THAT WAS DANNY DONKEY.
YOU ARE NOT GONNA PUT THIS IN A CHILDREN'S BOOK.
BUT IT'S ABOUT REDEMPTION.
I AM SO MOVED.

Danny Donkey hated people.
He made him wait at the supermarket.
He made him wait at the video store.
They made him wait in line at the amusement park.
So Danny Donkey cut the line.
Cut the line at the supermarket.
Cut the line at the amusement park.
Cut the line at the video store.
Why, Danny Donkey cut every line he could find.
But for everything we do, there are consequences. And this was no exception.
For as a result of all his line-cutting, Danny Donkey saw that he had become something he had never been before.
Happy.
YOU ARE NOT PUTTING THIS IN A BOOK FOR CHILDREN.
SO, REMEMBER, KIDS, NEVER WAIT YOUR TURN!
WOW! WHAT A TIME-SAVER!

Danny Donkey loved Thanksgiving.
Danny Donkey loved his family.
But Danny Donkey did not love to see his family at Thanksgiving.
So every Thanksgiving, Danny grabbed half the turkey and locked himself in the bathroom.
Until it was time for the awkward toast...
To my family, to whom I want to be close, but in reality cannot tolerate.
I need to use the bathroom, Danny Donkey.
Go away, Uncle Bob.
When Thanksgiving was over, many believed his self-imposed physical separation from his family had a consequence.
He loved them more.
Uncle Bob could also be a problem.
YOU CALL THIS A CHILDREN'S THANKSGIVING TABLE?
CHAPTER TWO: THE DAY UNCLE BOB'S BLADDER WENT BOMB.
POOR UNCLE BOB.

Danny Donkey was sad.
Sad because everyone around him was good-looking. And he was not.
So Danny Donkey went to a genie and asked to be good-looking.
"You asked to be good-looking"
"That is too much work on my part," said the genie, "But I can give you this."
And with that, the genie handed over what appeared to be some magical rod, and told Danny what it was and how to use it.
And so, later that day, Danny went out and hit every good-looking person he could find with his very own Ugly Stick.
Because, kids, if you can't make yourself better, make those around you worse.
"THIS NOT GOING IN A CHILDREN'S BOOK."
HEY. MAYBE I GOT HIT BY THAT THING.

THE ADVENTURES OF DANNY DONKEY
A Children's Story by Rat
Danny Donkey hated
happy people.
I hate you.
He hated their music.
He hated their weekend plans.
Their family photos.
And their unsolicited advice.
But most of all,
he hated their willingness
to whistle.
So Danny Donkey bought a "Bonk O' Matic 2000" and gave each and every happy person he
met one solid whack on the head.
WHOAH WHOA WHOA...YOU CAN'T END A CHILDREN'S BOOK THIS WAY... AT A MINIMUM, YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT DANNY'S BEHAVIOR WAS WRONG.
QUESTION IT IN SOME WAY ...
Why he didn't smash them repeatedly,
we'll never know.

Danny Donkey hated men who followed trends.
I hate them.
He hated baggy jeans.
He hated caps that had to be worn a certain way.
He hated stubble.
And he really, really hated neatly trimmed goatees.
ARE YOU DONE?
BUT MOST OF ALL HE HATED OVERSENSITIVE TALENTLESS CARTOONISTS WHO THINK THEY'RE GOD'S GIFT TO CARTOONING.
HEH HEH HEH
DON'T WE ALL, DANNY DONKEY...
DON'T WE ALL

Danny Donkey was angry at the comics page.
So Danny Donkey went looking for some of the veteran cartoonists. He found them out on the golf course.
Be relevant to my life, he pleaded with them.
What's wrong with them?
LOTS of people like golf.
Golf!
I just thought golf might keep me from making more gags.
No, no, no.
You don't understand.
NO MORE GAGS.
AND WITH THAT, DANNY DONKEY fell to his knees, and the veteran cartoonists hit him with their golf clubs.
WAH! BAM!
GACK!
SLAM!
OKAY, THEN.
MORE GAGS FROM 1952.
HUH?
WHEN THE MUSIC DIED.
The Walkman.
Surfin!
Nixon.
Hoola hoops!
Golf!
"IS THIS AN UPLIFTING TALE OF THE AMERICAN COMICS PAGE?"
DANNY DIES AND DOESN'T HAVE TO READ 'EM ANYMORE.
HA HA
YAHAHA
YOU'LL HAVE TO GO TO THE GOLF GAGS.

Danny Donkey went to a "Save the Planet" rally.
If the world is filled with lies and greed and war should we try to save it?
The people stood in awe.
We shouldn't!!
WE SHOULDN'T!!
People gave long speeches. They denounced lies and greed and war. They gave everyone hope.
Everyone cheered. Everyone agreed we had to save the planet.
Danny Donkey grabbed the microphone.
"Why?" he asked.
And with that, the crowd roared. And the "Save the Planet" rally became the "Destroy the Planet" rally.
Save the Planet
THIS IS YOUR "CELEBRATE EARTH DAY" BOOK?
HEY, THOSE PEOPLE ARE CELEBRATING.
I'M GONNA GO CUT DOWN A TREE RIGHT NOW!!

DANNY DONKEY HATED WORK BIRTHDAY PARTIES.
I HATE THAT GUY.
He hated the guy who collected money for a present.
WE'RE ALL KICKING IN TWENTY BUCKS FOR CARLOS'S GIFT.
He Hated the cutesy e-mails filled with emotions telling everyone to meet in the conference room for fun and cheesecake. :)
I HATE CHEESECAKE.
FUN'S NEVER FUN.
I HATE EMOTIONS.
But most of all, he hated the awkward horror of standing around with people whom he would not choose to spend even four seconds of his free time.
YOU SEE THE GAME ON SUNDAY?
PLEASE DON'T PUNCH YOUR BOSS.
I HATE THIS GUY.
PLEASE, PLEASE...DON'T PUNCH YOUR BOSS.
So Danny snapped, taking out all his rage on the party's poor piñata.
Take that.
And that.
And that.
And that.
Only there was no piñata.
THIS ISN'T A KIDS' BOOK CALLED "CHOOSING THE RIGHT GIFT"!
Carlos, sorry he didn't...oh, maybe he has some...his mistake. Carlos's mistake. Carlos is sorry.
YOU ARE NOT PUTTING THIS IN A KIDS' BOOK CALLED "CHOOSING THE RIGHT GIFT"!!
BUT IT MENTIONS PIÑATAS. KIDS LOVE PIÑATAS.

Danny Donkey died and went to heaven.
At the pearly gates, St. Peter reviewed Danny's entire life.
You sat on the couch and drank beer.
Danny Donkey defended himself.
Sometimes I recycled the can.
Unimpressed, St. Peter condemned Danny to a life of eternal torment.
Wait, argued Danny, You're not letting me in, but you're letting THAT guy in??
Which guy? replied St. Peter.
That guy behind you, said Danny Donkey.
St. Peter turned to look.
And Danny hopped the fence.
THIS is the book YOU want to title 'DANNY DONKEY'S GUIDE TO ETERNAL SALVATION'?
Yeah, that, or 'DISTRACTING ST. PETER FOR DUMMIES.'
I WILL BUY TEN!!

Pearls will be back after this commercial break.
SIP SIP
GULP GULP GULP GULP
BAM BAM BAM
SWIPE
RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN
PEOPLE DO NOT BEAT EACH OTHER FOR A BEER IN THOSE COMMERCIALS.
THEY DO IN THE DANNY DONKEY VERSION.
RUN, YOU THIRSTY DONKEY, RUN!

Danny Donkey hated people.
He hated their greed. He hated their pettiness. He hated their pigness.
But most of all, he hated that
there were 6,000,000,000 of them.
So Danny Donkey visited a spiritual guru.
Climb a great mountain with a group of strangers, said the spiritual guru. The shared challenge will bring you a new perspective.
So Danny Donkey climbed to the top of Mount Everest with a group of five strangers.
And pushed them off.
This is Danny Donkey’s guide to spiritual fulfillment
YAY, said Danny. Only 5,999,999,975 to go.
I am so fulfilled I could cry.

Danny Donkey hated people.
So he turned them into beers.
Work got better.
As did church.
As did the neighborhood.
One day, Danny Donkey was approached by Billy E.Hatergh. "Nice job turning people into beers, Danny Donkey, for you will find that by turning all the people into beers, you will be missing what's truly important in life."
Danny Donkey looked at what he had done. And realized she was right.
And turned her into a bag of pretzels.
NOW I REALLY DO HAVE EVERYTHING, EXCLAIMED DANNY.
Please don't turn my characters into pretzels, Poundstone.
OOOH!! CAN I BE A DONUT?

DANNY DONKEY HATED LIFE.
HE HATED THE ROUTINE. HE HATED THE OBLIGATIONS. HE HATED THE COLD.
SO DANNY DONKEY WENT TO KEY WEST.
THERE, HE SAT ON THE BEACH. AND DRANK.
AND SAT ON THE BEACH. AND DRANK.
AND SAT ON THE BEACH. AND DRANK.
THEN ONE DAY HE GOT A CALL FROM HIS MOTHER. "VACATION IS ONE THING," SAID HIS MOTHER, "BUT YOU CANNOT LIVE OUT THE REST OF YOUR LIFE DRINKING ON A BEACH."
"WHY IS THAT?" SAID DANNY DONKEY.
"BECAUSE LIFE MUST HAVE BALANCE," SHE SAID. "AND GOALS. AND ACHIEVEMENTS."
SO DANNY DONKEY PAUSED. FOR HE KNEW THAT HIS MOTHER WAS RIGHT.
SO DANNY DONKEY BALANCED A BEER ON HIS HEAD AND SET A GOAL OF THROWING HIS EMPTY CANS IN THE SEA.
KERPLUNK
"AND THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER, KIDS."
THIS IS YOUR MOTHER. DANNY DONKEY. MOTHER'S DAY GIFT BOOK.
LOOK AT ME, MAMMA! LOOK AT ME!

GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS, SIR... THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT WE GOT INSIDE THE TARGET ZEBRA'S HOUSE, BUT JUST BARELY MISSED NABBING HIM!
DAT DA GUD NEWS? WHUH DA BAD NEWS?
PRIVATE DANNY PULLED THE PIN ON HIS GRENADE. MEANING THAT AS SOON AS HE LETS GO OF IT, THERE WILL BE A VERY BIG KABOOM..
WE SHOULD PROBABLY CANCEL TONIGHT'S TICKLE FIGHT.

DONNY DONKEY NEEDED HELP.
So Danny Donkey bought a treehouse at a very tall tree.
"You should invite the entire neighborhood to a housewarming party," said Danny's perky real estate agent. "Then you'll have good relationships with all your neighbors."
So Danny Donkey invited all his neighbors to a housewarming party.
Which went well until he ran out of champagne.
YOU RUN OUT OF CHAMPAGNE! WE HATE YOU!
So Danny excused himself to buy more champagne.
And chopped down the tree.
"Now I have good relationships with all my neighbors," exclaimed Donny Donkey.
SO REMEMBER, KIDS, IT'S NOT GOOD FENCES THAT MAKE GOOD NEIGHBORS. IT'S DECEASED NEIGHBORS THAT MAKE GOOD NEIGHBORS.
ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE AT "Xs" FUNERALS OR JUST NAPPING?