Pearls Before Swine | Search

Danny Donkey went to the park.
A woman approached him.
HELP SAVE OUR TRAIN, SIR. IT'S FOR THE CHILDREN.
Danny Donkey looked up and saw a miniature steam train in disrepair.
I will save your train, said Danny Donkey.
And Danny Donkey spent all his money and fixed the train.
And on the day of the re-opening, everyone cheered the shiny new train.
And watched as it departed the new station and rolled down its track.
Which now led out of the park.
And straight to the liquor store.
I HAVE BUILT THE WORLD'S MOST CONVENIENT BEER RUN, shouted Danny.
BUT IS YOUR COMMEMORATION OF NEIGHBORHOOD IMPROVEMENT DAY?
CHILD SHALL EVER BEES TUFAT VISHA!

WHAT ARE THOSE TWO DOING HERE?
GUARD DUCK HAD AN UNREGISTERED R.P.G... DANNY DONKEY IS THE TOWN DRUNK.
THEN WHO'S LEFT TO CARRY THE HUMOR OF THE STRIP?
WE'RE ALL @*@?!*@# DOOMED.
MAYBE WE COULD JUST RUN BLANK SPACE.

The Center for Inspirational Ideas held its first annual Inspirational Ideas Symposium.
I would like to improve living conditions in Africa through sustainable green energy.
YAAAAAAAAY
I would like to teach people to meditate in a way that raises our collective consciousness.
YAAAAAAAAY
I would like to teach disadvantaged children to express themselves through art.
YAAAAAAAAY
And I would like to sit around in my underwear and drink beer.
AND THE CENTER BANNED THE DRANK DONKEY FOR LIFE.
Poor Danny. He's so ahead of his time.
I'D LOOK GOOD GOOD IN TIGHTY WHITIES

OH YAY OH YAY
Okay everyone said Cousin Dickie I've organized each day of our vacation
Tomorrow we'll get up real early and go whale watching
Tuesday we'll dock in Key West and have five hours of sightseeing followed by one hour of shopping
Wednesday we'll sail to see various pre-Columbian ruins followed by four hours of scuba training
Does anyone have any questions
Danny Donkey tied his cousin to an anchor and threw him overboard
THAT WASN'T REALLY A QUESTION
DANNY'S A MAN OF FEW WORDS
NO ONE SHOULD NEED A VACATION FROM A VACATION

YOU DRINK TOO MUCH, DANNY DONKEY.
BAD DANNY.
So Danny defied his friends and slipped inside a bottle.
Beer isn't good for you, Danny Donkey.
You can't live your life inside a bottle, Danny.
Where he enjoyed the smell.
Beer is nice.
And the beer goggle view.
YOU'RE ALL SO PRETTY.
And the muffled sound.
Nirvana achieved, Danny never came out of the bottle again.
POSITIVELY UPLIFTING!
SOME LECTURES BACKFIRE.
WAIT FOR ME, DANNY DONKEY!!!

Danny Donkey's girlfriend was angry.
ALL YOU DO IS SIT ON THE COUCH AND DRINK BEER.
So she gave him an ultimatum.
YOU NEED TO FIND YOUR PASSION IN LIFE AND PURSUE IT OR I'M LEAVING YOU.
"Here," she said, handing him an envelope. "Write down your passion and slip it in here, and in six weeks, we'll open the envelope and see if you've taken any concrete steps towards achieving your passion."
So Danny Donkey thought and thought.
But then nothing.
When the six weeks were up, OH, DANNY, YOU DID NOTHING TO PURSUE YOUR PASSION...THAT'S SO AWFUL...WHAT WAS IT, ANYWAYS?
Danny's girlfriend opened the envelope.
Sit on the couch and drink beer.
Danny's girlfriend left him anyways.
BUT HE PURSUED HIS PASSION!
LIFE JUST ISN'T FAIR.
But then again.
BEING LAZY IS NOT A PASSION!

I'VE DECIDED TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT.
THAT TAKES BILLIONS OF DOLLARS NOW.
I KNOW. SO I'VE FORMED A SUPER PAC RUN BY DANNY DONKEY AND SNUFFLES THE CAT. IT CAN RAISE UNLIMITED FUNDS FOR ME.
WELL, NOW WAIT A MINUTE. THE SUPREME COURT SAYS THAT YOU AND THE SUPER PAC CAN'T COORDINATE. IT HAS TO BE TOTALLY INDEPENDENT OF YOU.
OH, I KNOW. SO TO ENSURE THAT, I'VE CONSTRUCTED THIS WALL OF STURDY BEER CANS TO SEPARATE US.
IT'S NOT FOOLPROOF.

GUARD DUCK
PUNS
RAT
IDIO TS
CROCS
DANNY DONKEY
PRESIDENT RAT
WORDPLAY
NEIGHBOR BOB
PIG
PURITY
LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW
FAMILY CIRCUS
SHOOTING
SHOOTING
MASS SHOOTING
SUTHERLAND SPRINGS
FIFTY DEAD
SHOOTING
SHOOTING
MASS SHOOTING
VEGAS
MASS SHOOTING
TWENTY DEAD
ORLANDO
HARD TO WRITE?
SOME DAYS MORE THAN OTHERS.

DANNY DONKEY WAS TOLD THE WORLD’S ICE WAS MELTING.
I DO NOT CARE. I ONLY WANT TO DRINK MY BEER.
But the oceans will rise and lands will be flooded.
I DO NOT CARE. I ONLY WANT TO DRINK MY BEER.
But temperatures will go up and species will die.
I DO NOT CARE. I ONLY WANT TO DRINK MY BEER.
But extreme weather will destroy us all.
I DO NOT CARE. I ONLY WANT TO DRINK MY BEER.
Your beer will be warm.
DANNY DONKEY WROTE THE GROUP A CHECK FOR $500,000.
Wow. That’s encouraging.
NO ONE LIKES WARM BEER.
PLEASE DON’T MAKE DANNY SUFFER LIKE THAT.

HI, MR. WONG. I'M WONDERING IF YOU SAW MY CAT ANYWHERE. WE CALL HER "LUV."
SORRY, PIG. I HAVEN'T SEEN YOUR CAT ANYWHERE.
THAT'S TOO BAD BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY CHECKED WITH ALL YOUR COUSINS...JIMMY WONG, DANNY WONG, CELIA WONG.
WHY ARE YOU CHECKING WITH THEM?
I'M LOOKING FOR LUV IN ALL THE WONG PLACES.
YOU ARE LOVED BY NO ONE.

DANNY DONKEY WAS TIRED OF THE LONG WALK TO THE NEAREST LIQUOR STORE.
SO HE ATTENDED A CITY COUNCIL MEETING.
I PROPOSE TO BUILD THREE LIQUOR STORES IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD.
ALL THE PEOPLE IN ATTENDANCE BOOED.
BOO
BOOO
BOOOO
AS YOU SEE, SAID THE MAYOR, THAT'S A LOT OF BOOS YOU'RE GETTING. AND IF YOU EVER COME BACK, YOU'LL BE SURE TO GET EVEN MORE.
SO DANNY DONKEY WENT HOME.
AND ONE MONTH LATER HE WENT TO ANOTHER CITY COUNCIL MEETING.
I NOW PROPOSE TO BUILD SIX MORE LIQUOR STORES IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD.
DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID LAST TIME? SAID THE MAYOR.
YES, SAID DANNY. THAT'S WHY I CAME BACK. I WANTED TO GET EVEN MORE BOOS.
DANNY WAS FORCIBLY REMOVED FROM THE CITY COUNCIL MEETING.
CAN I BOO THIS STUPID STORY?
ONLY AT THE GROCERY STORE.
IT'S STUPID IF I BOO, ISN'T IT?
YES.
ONLY AT THE GROCERY STORE.
That's a personal right.

DANNY DONKEY WAS UNHAPPY WITH HIS LIFE.
I am unhappy.
My resolution for the New Year is to spend more time with people I don’t like…
Lemme guess…You buy the cheapest ties you can find.
NO.
Why bother with all the Christmas cookies? My neighbor keeps a key hidden in a fake rock!
Napping again? That lawn won’t mow itself!
Aunt Wilma Mr. Williams Jerry Sopor Betty Kantake Cliff Here Ron Shire Enrique Una Joe Fred Evan Nu
NANCY!!
DANNY DONKEY SPENT THE REST OF THE YEAR WITH HIS BOOKS IN A CLOSET.
THAT APPEALS FAR TOO MUCH TO ME.
DANNY DONKEY’S A GENIUS.
COULD I GET CHEESE DELIVERED?