Pearls Before Swine Indexer

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April 16, 2006

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE BY STEPHAN PASTIS Danny Don key thought everyone was dumb and let them knovt it. I “‘NKYCU ARE wm. lax, One day. Danny Donkey went to the store and bought seven thousand brickst Danny Donkey was angry at the world. Danny Donkey hated everyone. DoYauHM? ME, Maw vauuv? 'm That night, while the town slept, :"ha'l “" ‘3: M“ “i; We"! I": 9'"va 5“; UHAT 90 YOU NHOAW . - or anny nkey. w 0 salt an is avorite par - u Bunny D:::r:yal:|:“vlv‘ie:d:'wesv"y°“E's bench Ind smnked . cart-7n ohtolen cigarettes. m??gsgg'; T maximum cmwken‘s commas A HOMKCWE ." anti £31k. , s; a

August 6, 2006

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE BY STEPHAN PASTIS Danny Donkey was bored. Danny Donkey saw Katie Cow playing her Game Boy. "Sharing is important," said Danny Donkey. "Sharing is good." Okay. Danny Donkey}? will 5 Danny Donkey grabbed the Game Boy and never came back. cmwkerg's SOMEBAD BOOKYOORE eenmnokmw VIEWING? USE IT T0 ' TEACHKWS ‘I i AMDRAL. YOU REALLY “CHAVTER TWO: SHOUWN‘T BE NH‘I HIT‘HNG WEI‘HNG lS SOMETIMES CHILDREN’S

September 3, 2006

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE BY STEPHAN PASTIS Danny Donkey walked to school. Danny Donkey saw Bob. Danny punched Bob. Bob called Danny a name. AND THE LESSON ' HERE IS THAT THIS 13 THE YES. I SHow CHILDREN’S mum BOOK YOU'VE BEHAVIOR AND we HRONGS BEEN wORK‘ HOPE KlPS DON'T MAKEA LEARN FROM RIGHT? lT , war I» umm mm Mmun: w punch Bob. Principal Jack saw Danny Only punch Bob when the principal is distracted. SENDING THE WRONG MESSAGE Danny went to detention. ‘IWR 0W N CHILDREN'S

September 28, 2006

BEHALPI‘IIIEPRISI'O‘WPE HAHA 60 FIREARPUILTHE LIAIIAIIA I ROB IT APPEARS THERE'S NO OF MY “DANNY VDNKEY“ ITS CORD AND HEAR IT 1‘9 LIQUOR NE HAVE A BOOZE LIKE DOLL. A CIITE IJILTALK- $0 , SAY CUTE L‘IL STORES . TRANSLATION FREE B‘OOZE. 1N6 DDIILI HAD I’IAPE HUG~ ’ THINGS LIKE. “I I ROB WORM. THERES N0 IN CHINA... IT‘S FOR AELE KIDS OF ALI. MES. LOVE LICORICE." LIQUOR STORES. BOOZE LIKE

September 30, 2006

CUTE L‘ILTHINGS,LIK€ I DETNK BEER TO “I LOVE WESTANV FORGET MV YROBLEMS. "I LOVE PUPPIESHW I DRINK BEER TO THE CORD AND SEE FORGET MV PROBLEMS FOR YDUPSELF.,.. HELLO, MA'AM..MAY wELL, I I INTEREST YOU IN HAVE A «U ATALKING ‘DANNY YOUNé- VOMKEY' POLL?” KID.” IT‘S FOR KIDS OF WHAT‘S ALL AGES‘ ITSAY? 9095‘ AM I WWW! DWEAI’I ILDADED!

October 2, 2006

THE VROTOTWE OF DONKEY“ DOLL’ HEY. HAVE YOU SEEN THE ONE YOU SHOUED ME OF MY NEN‘DANNY YESTERDAY THAT SAYS f‘I ROB LlOUDR STORES ".7 m, m mm Femusymmrz m YEAH I HAVE TO NEH. IT HAS TO SEND ITTOTHE BE AROUND HERE FACTORY SOTHEY SDHENHERE" (RN MAKE lTSAY WM FARCLMD APPMPA’IATE A CHILDRENS THINGS LlKE.“I STUFFED ANIMAL LWE RMNBOMS.” GET 9 LIQUOR

October 8, 2006

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE Danny Donkey hated his neighbors. He hated his doctor, his lawyer and his accountant. He hated leaders, l’ollawers and ?orists. He hated relatives, real estate agents, and relatives who were real estate agents. BY STEPHAN PASTIS "I mus! lurn my halrcd into Snmer thing constructive," thought Danny Donkey. So Danny made a sign. wwwcownscw n 7 n % ~ 5,} we can. i 1'4 :’ » did ‘“ ' m. n/Umw Seamresmwmlc w 7 i i But no one listened. 50 Danny hit them Suddenly realizing that the value .Of his sign VLEASE FOOL! NHOA > win. his gig... “gsnot'jghedmgssazevb"';"“hhes'fk;;.wp;°h srommhe I AM A cumsmo.. ; ' “S" 'gglgngagg?g‘?msfiz?: ° '5 '° CHILDREN 5 MASTER “DANNY FlNDS we BOOKS. MORE uses s. .. FOR STICKS?

April 29, 2007

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE BY STEPHAN PASTIS Danny Donkey stood on the edge of the cliff and pondered the end. wwwmwc: cm The end of the headaches and the stomach aches. nzms‘mmnr‘ms u:- p, “‘51:..th w m The end of the hills and the calls. The end of the half-truths, the lies and the outright frauds. The end of all that is bad. And threw his lawyer over the cliff. THIS IS ”07’ AN ”momma cmwm‘s , BUT I WROTE YAV SULH AN FOR WWTING

July 1, 2007

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE BY STEPHAN PASTIS Danny Donkey sat at liorne in his underwear and drank beers The dnorhell rang. "Help save the planet," said ilie people at his door. Wm comics row 5 "Huh?" said Danny Donkey, "Sign a petilinn. Anend a rally. Display a bumper sticker." 1mm ?rm." as i "I wnuld like to sit at home in my underwear and drink beer," said Danny Donkey. "But what does inai accnmplish?" asked me people, "The beer Illal 1 am holding will go from lull [n amply." said Danny Donkey, "and I will be happy." wepl, ior ilrey realized ilie genius ilial was Danny Donkey. And all thal, are people loom NOT ‘ GONNA PUT THlS IN A

October 7, 2007

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE Danny Donkey hated people. They made him wait at the supermarket. They made him wait at the video store. cut every line he could ?nd. in mil? is: Why, Danny Donkey But for everything we do, there are For as a result of all his line-cutting, Danny Donkey saw that he had become something he had never been before... consequences. And this was no exception. BY STEPHAN PASTIS So Danny Donkey cut the line. Cut the line at the supermarket. Cut the line at the video store. Cut the line at the amusement park. They made him wait at the amusement park. YOU ARE NOT wow! PUTTINGTHIS BER KIDS UHAT IN A BOOK NEVER FOR CHILDREN. 07m15wp’u‘7nw. he mumnnmsmn in. m

November 18, 2007

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE 3 Danny Donkey loved Danny But Danny Donkey his family. Donkey did noi love in see loved his family ai Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving. So every Thanksgiving, Danny grabbed halhhe urkey and locked himsell in the bathroom. 5; E w umm n Uncle Bob could also When Thanksgiving was over. he a problem. Danny realized his sell—imposed physical separation fmm his inmily had a consequence. m mom, human key‘ BY STEPHAN PASTIS Which was ?ne until it came lime for (he awkward toasi... To My (my! I who I can nuiy kw: through a imhraom door. . n PAY UNCLE BOB’S BLADDER

March 30, 2008

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE Danny Donkey was sad. Sad because everyone around him was good-looking. And he was noi. BY STEPHAN PAS TIS So Danny Donkey wenl to ii genie and asked in he good-looking. "That is too much work on my pm," said ihc genie, "But I can give you this." I And wiih ihm, ihe genie handed ovL-r ; And so, later that day, Danny went uni “BECAUSE. KIDS, what appeared to be some magical rod. ’ and hit every good-looking person he IF YW CAN'T and mid Danny whai ii was and how could ?nd wilh his very own Ugly Siick. MAKE YOURSELF to use iii BETTER, MAKE THOSE AROUND YOU MOE

June 29, 2008

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE BY STEPHAN PAS TIS THE ADVENTURES Danny Dnnkcy hated He hated [hair He hailed llleir weekend planse But must of all, he or DANNY DONKEY happy people. musical hellos. Their family photos. And hated their willingness A Children's Slary by Ral c2008 suym m. net bywvlw ram wow. im their unsolicited advice. m whistle. 5o Danny Donkey bauglll o "Bonk o' Matic 2000" and gave each and every happy whistler he could ?nd one solid whack on the head. " UHOA uHOA UHOA...YOU CAN'T END A E CHILDREN‘S BOOK THIS WAY..ATA MlNlMUM,YOU HAVE To MAKE IT CLEAR THAT DANWS BEHAVIOR HAS URONG. memnmplqwaal my cum cw QUESTION IT IN SOME WAY... Why he didn't smash them repeatedly. we‘ll never know.

August 17, 2008

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE BY STEPHAN PAS TIS Danny Donkey hated men who followed trends. .mlgm. mm He hated baggy jeans. He hated caps “I2" had to be worn a cerlnin way. He haled stubble. And he really, really lulled neatly trimmed gunners. .. . UNOTNINKTHEYRE GOD'S DONKEY... ‘BDT MOST OF ALL HE Hell HEHNEH HATED OVERSENSITIVE DON'T NE TALENYLESS CAKTDDNISTS ALL. DANNY DON‘T NE ALL...

November 30, 2008

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE B Y STEPHAN PAS TIS , So Danny Donkey “Be relevant to my life," he pleaded , "Na, no, nu!" screamed Danny, "Nu mare f went looking for ; gags from [951." ’ same nithc more . veteran cartounists. E He found them on a golf course. Danny Donkey was angry at the comics page. ,, .34 AND now ls DANNY HAHAHA mus ‘AN "No, no, no," cried Danny, "You don't And with that, Danny And Danny gave understand." Donkey fell to his knees. up the ghost. and the veteran cartoonists hit him with their gall clubs. I new comics Pal: [I ?g“ IJ‘VST ?ought

January 18, 2009

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE Danny Donkey went to a "Save the Planet" rally. "Why it the world The people is ?lled with lies slood in and greed and war we. should we save it?" Pcoplc gave long speeches. They denounced lies and greed and war. They said we had to saw: the planet. shouldn't!" yelled someone Everyone cheered. Everyone agreed we had to save the planet. And with that, the crowd roareda And the "Save the Planel" rally became the "Destroy the Planel" rally. Danny Dnnkey WIS IS CELEBRATE EARTH PAY‘ BY STEPHAN PASTIS grahhed the "Why?” miemphone. YOUR

March 8, 2009

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE BY STEPHAN PASTIS Danny Donkey hated work birthday parties. ma He hated the guy who collected money for a present, We‘mull kicking E men of I hate ‘Earlosgitigr C ' n n w alt-Ins He hated the cutesy e—mnils ?lled with emoticons telling everyone to meet in the eonlerenee mum tor run and cheesecake. :) Bul most olall, he hated the awkward horror ot'stonding around with people with whom he would not choose to spend even ronr seconds ofhis tree time. Well SEE we 6W 5 M Please shut ynur mumh Sm Ru Today y'. huh Dann? 213:.” plea: thié ?our m} 50 Danny snapped, Iaking out all his rage on the party's poor pi?ata. JV (5% W @ 5‘21va, w mt w Ire'dumnlq@aal Cam www we; can CALLED VJHOOSING THE RIGHT CAREER.‘

May 31, 2009

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE BY STEPHAN PAS TIS F At the pearly gates, St. Peter Y . . V Unimpressed, St. Peter 3'7?!” 30"“? § reviewed Danny ’s entire life. ”my ”Wk” “elem!” "mm“ condemned Danny m a l; ZZav::n 2 You 5m- “ the life IIfEl‘crmll torment. 2 _ ?g couch and drunk ELF SWE‘Wes I 5 beer. I 1%}! v)m1:\ewar“¢g.x W25“ 1S he | d. IEAI, "I 1m $454 I “I! ”Wail, " argued Danny, "Yoll're mu letting me in, but you’re letting THA T guy in." " xne’mar?mqu mm ”Which guy? " replied SI. Peter. ”That guy Irehimlylm, " mid Danny Donkey. St. Peter turned In lamk. YOU WANT TO TITLE 'PISTRACTING WILL ‘PANN‘I DONKEY'S GUIDE TO ETERNAL ST. PETER FOR PUMMIE

January 24, 2010

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE BY STEPHAN PASTIS Danny Donkey Warn/iam- He hated their greed. He haicd (heir peniness. He hated their pigginessr But most of all, he hated that there were 6,000,000,000 ul' them. So Danny Dnnkey visited a spiritual guru. “Climb a greai mnuntain wit group ufstrangers." said ihe spiriiual guru, “The shared challenge will bring you a new perspective." ha wiih a grmlp or ?ve strangers. Sn Danny Donkey climbed to the lap of Mount Everest W! IS ‘PMNY 900K613 GUIDE TO SPIRITUAL FULFILLMENT? “mu SAID ' DAMN Y, v

May 9, 2010

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE BY STEPHAN PASTIS nanny Donkey So he turned them Work got better. As aia church. As an: the neighborhood. hated people. into beers. ' , z One any, n-nny Donkey was appmnched mm Donkey look-a g And turned. her by zuy Elephun. “You lave nude 2 l: mu: ha Ind done. 2% mm a bag of mistake, Danny Donkey, {or ynu will And rev-mod me 5 pretzel; find that by earning an the people wu right g mm beers, you win he mining E summing in your Me," E “me IE 2 Eéibnkgyup

August 29, 2010

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE Dnnny nonhe, hated life. “Why i: mat?" asked Danny Donia-3. lle hzlled ‘Ile routine. ”I: haled ?le obligations. "c hated me tuld. s» Dunn) Dunkcy “en! in Key Wesl. F There. he Sal ml the bench. And drunk. And ii“ on Ike beach. Aml Ill’?nki BY STEPHAN PAST/S Then one in, In- gut n ml] min. hi3 mother. Iiun is unc thing," said his mnlller BIII you cannm live cm the res! olyaur life drinking beer on a beach." mnlher Andt; ()ALS. Aml ACHIEVEMENTS.“ Danny “mlkL‘y palmcd. Fur he knc“ lhul hiw molhz-r “in righl. 5» Danny Donkey balanced u hear on his head nnd se! a goal aflhmwing his call phnllc inln the m. which he achimd. “AND THAT'S WHY YOU SNWW ALWAYS m: IS AT 7°"R.lké?~1KAMAf vow ME!

March 7, 2011

GOOD NENSI BAD Dar da : PRIVATE DANNY PUIIED NE $HOULD PROBABLY NENSISIR...THE GOOD 9ch ' THE PIN ON HIS GRENADE CANCEL TONIGHTS NENS IS THAT HE news? MEANING WAT AS SOON AS V TICKLE F I GHT. GOT INSIDE THE ”huh HE LETS GO OF IT, THERE 5 NIIL RE A VERY RIG YARGEI’ZEBM‘SHOUSE :In Ind 7 . . KHBMM. BUT JUST BARE” MISSED KIIIING HIM.

July 22, 2012

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE BYSTEPHAN PASTIS Sn Innuy Donkey Dannylwnkcyhokmup ‘ “lwillsavcyoluArmin." mm mm,» A woman Appl‘onchcd null m "I: him and m a min an «id nm, [)0 men! all rm mm park. sum min in as . plir. mm gm" m, M mm um um m", -k. "am, an? 5mm 0R H.511 “smwm mm M mm. 5“ «M. m. m... m...“ a; a. MM m “'I HAVE sum rm ts vow: No Icrnpcnmgvevn‘yonc depaned me new ugmn WWW um sll'aiuhnu?lc mg NORWS mgr mmm?mou cHILD chuud me snmy (mil-I "um mm. m ”m park. quum um. (OWENIENT UHIEIGMWP SHALL """y "N "“k' BEER RUN" InPRWEMENT EVER BE THIRny AGAIN. V’

June 7, 2013

NE’RE MAYBE NE ALL COULD JUST @WMN RUN BLANK DOOMED. SPACE. ”HAY ARE GUARD DUCK HAD THEN NND‘S THD$E AN UMREGISTERED LEFT TD THO R PG”. DANNY CARRY THE DOING DONKEY )3 THE HUMOR 0F HERE 9 TDNN DRUNK‘ THE STRIP)" Facehook.mm/Peanscamic

July 13, 2014

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE BY STEPHAN PASTIS Where ii. onjoycd nanny Donkey got lectured by his hie-ids. so Danny de?ed M: the uneII. Menus and slipped 8A0 DAMN. am 1m and inside a boule. G .a 3 or you ‘ n/puilsumic Danny Dunkevv ’ve ywrM‘e inside a . rosmmv : umrrmc, LECTURES BMKHRE. achieved, nanny never came out of me home again.