Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, BEFORE YOU GO TO THE CONVENIENCE STORE FOR ME, CALL 'EM FIRST AND MAKE SURE THEY HAVE EVERYTHING ON MY LIST.
YOU WANT A DURACELL BATTERY?
YEAH. AND A MORTON SALT.
OKAY.
HI. I'M COMING TO YOUR STORE FOR A SALT AND BATTERY.
Beep Boop Beep
THEY DIDN'T RESPOND WELL.

A DAY IN THE LIFE
(CIRCA 1979)
I HAVE A FEW FREE
HOURS.
I'LL READ A BOOK!
I'LL VISIT A FRIEND!
I'LL PAINT A PICTURE!
A DAY IN THE
LIFE (CIRCA 2017)
I HAVE A FEW
FREE HOURS
CAT VIDEOS!
CAT VIDEOS!
CAT VIDEOS!
I'M GETTING
SAD.
WATCH
A CAT VIDEO.
HAHAHA!
FLUFFY KEEPS
FALLING OFF
THE COUCH!

WHY DO WE ALL TAKE SO MANY SELFIES ON OUR PHONES?
BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS AROUND TO TAKE THE PHOTOS.
WHY DON'T WE HAVE ANY FRIENDS AROUND?
BECAUSE WE SPEND ALL OUR TIME ON OUR PHONES.
IT ALL MAKES SENSE.
WHAT'D YOU SAY?

GOODBYE, DAD. I LOVE YOU.
IT'S GREAT THAT YOU TELL HIM THAT. I USED TO SAY IT TO MY DAD AND IT WAS THE LAST THING I EVER SAID TO HIM ON THE PHONE.
OH, MY GOD. HE DIED?
NO. DROPPED HIS PHONE IN THE RIVER.
HE WAS TOO CHEAP TO GET A NEW ONE.

Rat:
You're stupid.
Bob10113:
You're stupid.
Rat:
You're stupid.
Bob10113:
You're stupid.
Rat:
You're stupid.
Bob10113:
You're stupid.
Rat:
You're stupid.
Bob10113:
You're stupid.
INTERNET COMMENT BOARDS ARE NOT THE MOST PRODUCTIVE USE OF ONE’S DAY.

I'VE READ THE LAST PAGE OF THIS BOOK FOUR TIMES. IT'S LIKE MY EYES SEE IT, BUT MY BRAIN ISN'T PAYING ATTENTION.
YEAH. THERE'S A SCIENTIFIC REASON FOR THAT.
WHAT IS IT?
SOMETIMES THE BRAIN GOES TO THE KITCHEN FOR A BEER.
NO WONDER I CAN'T LOSE WEIGHT.
AND YOURS MIGHT BE SNEAKING FRITOS.

WILL CRAM INTO VOLKSWAGEN FOR FOOD.
CIRCUS CLOSURES ARE AN UGLY THING.

LOOKS LIKE
THE CIRCUS
IS CLOSING
DOWN.
GOOD. I THOUGHT
THEY WERE VERY
CRUEL TO ALL THOSE
NOBLE, LIVING
CREATURES.
YEAH. YOU
MEAN THE
ELEPHANTS?
THE CLOWNS.
HOW THEY SHOVED
THEM INTO
TINY CARS.
YOU'RE
A BIT
CONFUSED.
CLOWNS
ARE ALMOST
HUMAN,
YOU KNOW.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WEARING MY ANTI-GOVERNMENT
TIN FOIL HELMET. IT'S MEANT TO
DISRUPT ALL SURVEILLANCE
BY THE F.B.I., C.I.A., AND N.S.A.
DON'T YOU
THINK THAT'S
A LITTLE
PARANOID?
NO. GOVERNMENT IS BAD.
THEY SPY ON ALL OF US.
I SEE. AND DO YOU REALIZE THEY'D HAVE
TO PLANT A MICROPHONE ON EVERY SINGLE
ONE OF US, AND A CAMERA THAT CAN FOLLOW
US TO ANY LOCATION, AND A TRACKING DE-
VICE THAT KNOWS EXACTLY WHERE THAT IS?
AND DO YOU REALIZE THEY ALREADY
HAVE ?
HOPE IT'S COMFORTABLE TO SLEEP IN.

THIS BOOK ON
OLYMPIC
MEDAL WINNERS
IS TERRIFIC.
OH, YEAH?
WHAT'S IN
THAT CHAPTER
THERE?
MARK
SPITZ.
ON
WHAT?
NOTHING.
DOES THAT
REALLY
DESERVE A
MEDAL?

THE PAPER SAYS THERE ARE
A LOT OF RELIGIOUS SECTS
IN OUR CITY WHO SHOULD
REALLY HAVE ROUND-THE-
CLOCK SECURITY PROTECTION.
DO THEY?
NO. VERY FEW
OF THEM CAN
AFFORD IT.
WOW. WE HAVE
A LOT OF
UNPROTECTED
SECTS.
STOP!
IT'S
A
HUGE
RISK.
WOULD IT
BE BETTER
TO HAVE
NO SECTS
AT ALL?

I GOT A JOB AT A 'NOT FOR PROFIT' CAFE.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU. WHAT CHARITY DO THEY DONATE THEIR REVENUES TO?
NONE. THEY JUST DON'T MAKE A PROFIT.
RIGHT.
AND IF THEY DID, THEY SURE WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO A DUMB CHARITY.

PIG. IF WE'RE GONNA STAY TOGETHER, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO CHANGE.
THAT'S THE LAST STRAW.
FINE. WE'RE BREAKING UP.
JUST BECAUSE YOU TOOK THE LAST STRAW IN THE DISPENSER?
NEVER MIND.
YOU'RE VERY FICKLE. NOW I WANT TO BREAK UP.

IN AN EFFORT TO MINIMIZE THE IMPACT OF ALL THE IDIOTS IN THE WORLD, I DECLARE TODAY, MAY 16, 'TRY NOT TO BE AS STUPID AS YOU NORMALLY ARE' DAY.
I DON'T LIKE TO THINK OF ANYONE AS IDIOTS, BECAUSE I THINK EVERY SINGLE HUMAN ON EARTH HAS VALUE AND SOMETHING TO CONTRIBUTE.
I SEE YOU'RE NOT OBSERVING THE HOLIDAY.

WHAT DID YOU GET YOUR MOM FOR MOTHER'S DAY?
NOTHING. I DON'T CELEBRATE CONVENTIONAL "HALLMARK" HOLIDAYS. INSTEAD, I MARK MY OWN MEANINGFUL DAYS ON THE CALENDAR.
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE TODAY -- MAY 15. "GET AS DRUNK AS YOU CAN" DAY.
I'LL STICK TO TEA.
PLEASE. RESPECT MY CULTURAL TRADITIONS.

WHAT GROUP ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
GUESS WHO.
I DON’T KNOW.
I JUST TOLD YOU.
YOU SAID GUESS WHO.
RIGHT.
SO WHO?
NO.
WHO?
NOT WHO.
WHO?
THE BAND?
NOT THE BAND!
WHO IS NOT THE BAND?
RIGHT. ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO KNOW?
I JUST WANT TO KNOW THEM!
THEN LISTEN TO MORE OF THEM.
AAAAUGGGG GGGGGGG GGGGGHHHH!!
DO YOU GIVE UP?
YES!
NO.
GUESS WHO.

Dear Pig,
Hope you have a wonderful day!
You're handsome!
You're smart!
And all the women love you!
WELL, THAT SURE IS A NICE LETTER TO GET. WHO SENT IT?
ME.
I FIGURE IT STILL COUNTS.

WHY DO CREATIVE PEOPLE CREATE?
I THINK THEY NEED THE ATTENTION THAT COMES FROM AN AUDIENCE TO FILL A LONG-STANDING NEED FOR ACCEPTANCE AND ADMIRATION.
HOLD ME.
SO THEY'RE LIKE STRIPPERS, BUT MORE PATHETIC.
FINE, I'LL TAKE MY TOP OFF.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
TRYING TO RECORD SOMETHING ON THIS MICROPHONE,
BUT I HAVE TO AVOID ALL WORDS THAT START WITH 'P'
BECAUSE THEY CAUSE A POPPING SOUND.
THAT'S WHY YOU PUT ON THIS LITTLE POP FILTER.
IT PREVENTS THAT.
SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT NOW I CAN TRY SAYING 'P'?
ALL I AM SAYING IS GIVE 'P's A CHANCE.
EVEN I HATE YOU NOW.

EVERY TIME I MEET SOMEONE NEW, I FORGET THEIR NAME WITHIN TEN SECONDS... IT JUST DISAPPEARS.
IT'S LIKE SNAPCHAT. ONLY LESS FUN.
I HAVE SNAPCHAT OF THE BRAIN.
IT MUST BE NICE TO NOT NEED ALL THOSE APPS.

THESE MEN ARE LOOKING FOR THE SPOT WHERE SOME CRIMINALS ENTERED A BANK.
THOSE ARE F.B.I. AGENTS SO PEOPLE CALL THEM G-MEN.
YOU JUST PUT A 'G' IN FRONT OF THE WORD WHEN YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THESE KIND OF MEN?
YEP.
OKAY. THESE G-MEN ARE SEARCHING FOR THE G-SPOT.
NOPE BY COMIC STRIP CENSOR
THEY'RE NOT SEARCHING?
STOP TALKING.

WHAT KIND OF JEANS ARE YOU WEARING?
GUESS.
LEVIS.
NO. I JUST TOLD YOU.
FINE. THEN JUST TELL ME WHAT BRAND THEY'RE NOT. I WANT TO KNOW BAD.
LEE.
I WANT TO KNOW BADLY.
END. THIS. NOW.
FINE. GUESS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M HEALING AMERICA BY PUTTING THESE TWO PEOPLE IN A BOX TOGETHER.
JOE IS A FOX-NEWS-WATCHING, CRACKER-BARREL-EATING CONSERVATIVE.
DAVID IS A NEW-YORK-TIMES-READING, WHOLE-FOODS-SHOPPING LIBERAL.
BY PUTTING THEM TOGETHER, I'M FORCING THEM TO SEE THAT THE OTHER IS A HUMAN BEING AND NOT SOME MONSTER.
DO YOU THINK IT'LL WORK?
I DO. BECAUSE BEING TOGETHER WILL FORCE THEM TO HAVE A FRANK EXCHANGE OF--
HAND GRENADES.
COMMIE!
FASCIST.
HEY! NO KILLING IN THE BOX O' RECONCILIATION

WHO'S THAT WOMAN, GOAT?
SHE'S THE SUPER OF MY BUILDING. SHE'S POSING FOR A PHOTO SHOOT TO BE USED IN OUR BUILDING BROCHURE.
SO SHE'S A MODEL?
YEAH. AND I'M ACTUALLY DATING HER.
WHO'S GOAT DATING?
A SUPER MODEL.
STUPID STEPHAN PUN.
HOW ELSE COULD GOAT DATE A SUPER-MODEL?
I CAN HEAR YOU, YOU KNOW.

WHEN YOU PAY AT A GROCERY STORE, IS IT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO PUT THE DIVIDER IN FRONT OF YOUR FOOD OR BEHIND IT?
BEHIND.
IN FRONT.
CRACK
I LIKE TO THINK I'M CREATING A BETTER WORLD.