Pearls Before Swine | Search

HI, MOONSHINE MIKE, MADE ANY LIQUOR LATELY?
YEP. WITH MY HOME-MADE STILL. THE ONE THAT DOESN'T SHAKE OR MOVE AT ALL.
THE ONE YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD?
YEP. STILL THE STILL STILL.
YOU'RE STILL A PAIN IN MY @##.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
PUTTING DOWN HIS HORSE.
OH, MY GOD, NO! WHY?
YOU'RE FAT, YOU'RE DUMB, AND YOU'RE LAZY.
I THINK HE JUST LIKES PUTTING HIM DOWN.

Dear Pope, I would like to be named a saint.
You may ask why I should be considered for this high honor. And I'll tell you.
Because as a saint, I think I'd be less likely to punch idiots.
OH, GOOD.
UNLESS YOU THINK THERE IS ROOM FOR A PUNCHING SAINT.

HEY, STEPH, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE KEY TO WRITING A GOOD JOKE?
I THINK IT'S ALL IN HOW YOU FRAME IT.
NOPE. STILL STUPID.

DID YOU KNOW THAT MOST PEOPLE ARE SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN TO BE IDIOTS?
WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT?
HERE. ON THIS MESSAGE BOARD.
THAT'S JUST SOMEBODY'S OPINION.
YEAH, BUT IT CITES THIS BLOG.
BUT IS THE AUTHOR A SCIENTIST?
NO, BUT HE REFERENCES THIS ONLINE MAGAZINE.
ARE THEY SOME KIND OF EXPERTS?
NO, BUT THEY LINK TO WIKIPEDIA.
BUT ANYONE CAN ENTER STUFF ON WIKIPEDIA.
YEAH, BUT WHO'S GONNA GO ON WIKIPEDIA AND FALSELY CLAIM THAT PEOPLE ARE SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN TO BE IDIOTS?
I THINK I'LL DISCONNECT FROM ALL TECHNOLOGY.

HI, PROFESSOR PETE. ARE YOU STILL TEACHING TYPING AT THE HIGH SCHOOL?
NO. GOT BURNED OUT. SO I THOUGHT I'D TAKE A BREAK AND TRY TO WRITE THE NEXT GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL.
CAN I SEE WHAT YOU HAVE SO FAR?
The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.
THAT'S WHERE I GOT STUCK.

I THINK THE WAR ON DRUGS FAILED BECAUSE OF THE WHOLE "JUST SAY NO" CAMPAIGN.
BECAUSE IT WAS TOO SIMPLISTIC?
BECAUSE ALL THE DRUG DEALERS HAD TO DO WAS FRAME THE QUESTION RIGHT... HERE, WATCH... HEY YOU, DO YOU NOT WANT ANY DRUGS?
NO.
HA! THAT'S A YES! AND NOW YOU'RE HOOKED ON DRUGS!
I SHOULD REALLY BE DRUG CZAR.
NO.

THE CHURCH IS THINKING ABOUT CANONIZING THIS OLD WOMAN WHO HELPED THE POOR.
HOW SAD.
WHY IS THAT SAD?
THEY'RE SHOOTING HER OUT OF A CANNON.
LET'S START OVER.
SO MUCH FOR BEING KIND.

PIG DECIDED TO TAKE UP A SPORT.
WHAT FOR?
TO GET SOME CARDIOVASCULAR EXERCISE AND LOSE WEIGHT.
WELL, THAT’S GREAT. WHAT SPORT DID HE PICK?
AND I’M NOT EVEN BREATHING HARD.

Whuh you readin', son?
A BOOK ON NOMADIC CULTURE FOR MY ANTHROPOLOGY CLASS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT A NOMAD IS?
If you mom no see Larry come home drunk, she no mad.
MAYBE I SHOULD KEEP STUDYING.
You mom rarely no mad.

A GUY IN THE CAFE TODAY WAS ACTING IN A NOT COURTEOUS WAY.
PIG. WHEN YOU WANT TO SAY THE OPPOSITE OF A WORD LIKE 'COURTEOUS', YOU JUST PUT 'DIS' IN FRONT OF IT SO IT BECOMES 'DISCOURTEOUS.'
OKAY. LET ME TRY IT AGAIN... WAIT... WHAT WAS IT AGAIN?
CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER THE WORD?
I'M DISMEMBERING IT.
WELL NOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE AN INTERESTING CONVERSATION.
IT'S NOT.
THE OLDER I GET, THE MORE I DISMEMBER THINGS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
SPENDING THE DAY WITH MY NEPHEW.
AND WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH HIM?
WELL, KIDS NOW ARE EXPOSED TO SO MUCH INAPPROPRIATE STUFF, WITH THE INTERNET AND VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES, SO I THOUGHT IT'D BE NICE TO WATCH A GOOD OLD BASEBALL GAME TOGETHER.
CAN I JOIN YOU?
SURE, I WAS JUST GRABBING THIS SNACK DURING THE COMMERCIALS AND
...ABOUT HALF OF MEN OVER FORTY SUFFER FROM SOME DEGREE OF ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION. ORGASMA HELPS MEN WITH E.D. GET AND KEEP A
UNCLE GOAT...WHAT'S A
I SENT HIM TO PLAY VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES.

LOOK AT THIS GREEDY REAL ESTATE DEVELOPER. HE MADE OUT LIKE A BANDIT.
DO BANDITS USE MORE TONGUE OR SOMETHING?
DIFFERENT MAKING OUT.
DO THEY TOUCH INAPPROPRIATE PRIVATE PARTS?

EXCUSE ME, BUT I'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU TO YOUR MAKERS—
AAAAA AAUUUU GHHHH
... MAKER'S MARK SHOTS OF BOURBON THAT I JUST BOUGHT YOU.
THE GRIM REAPER MAKES A TERRIBLE DRINKING BUDDY.

ITS NO PUNCTUATION DAY IN PEARLS
TERRIFIC WHO NEEDS PUNCTUATION LETS JUST RELAX AND PLAY BASKETBALL WITH MY UNCLE JOE
SHOOT UNCLE JOE
PUNCTUATION IS RATHER IMPORTANT

THEY FEAR THAT THIS POLITICIAN IS A WHITE SUPREMACIST.
WHAT'S THAT?
YOU DON'T KNOW?
I'M GUESSING IT'S A WHITE PERSON WHO LIKES THE SUPREMES.
LET'S STOP TALKING.
AWWW... WHERE DID OUR LOVE GO?

PIG, THIS IS MR. LARSON... HE'S A MEMBER OF OUR CHURCH CLERGY.
YEAH, BUT SOMETIMES I GET BORED, SO I BURN DOWN HOUSES USING LIGHTER FLUID ONCE ENDORSED BY THE GUY WHO HOSTED THE TONIGHT SHOW THE LONGEST.
WELL, THAT'S NOT GOOD.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?
IT'S CARSON ARSON, PARSON LARSON.
LAME. UNFUNNY CARTOONIST.

HEY, RAT. WHO IS THE GUY YOU'RE TALKING TO?
SOME GUY WHO SAYS WE HAD A GRAMMATICAL ERROR IN A STRIP LAST WEEK. HE SAYS IF HE WERE OUR EDITOR, EMBARRASSING MISTAKES LIKE THAT WOULDN'T HAPPEN.
OH, YEAH? WELL, DID HE SEE THE EXTRA "THE" IN THE FIRST SPEECH BALLOON? :)
OH, FUDGE.
IN YOUR FACE, GRAMMAR SNOB!!
HAHA...THAT'S THE LAST ERROR WE'LL EVER MADE!

RATS: SUBTITLES YOU CAN REALLY USE
WELL, I TURNED IN THAT REPORT.
GOOD!
HOPE MANAGEMENT LIKES IT... THEY GENERALLY HAVE A GOOD EYE.
TRUE.
I WANTED TO GET IT DONE BEFORE I TAKE MY VACATION TO MAUI.
MAUI? HOW GREAT!
I'M GONNA TRY TO RUN THIS YEAR, BUT IT'S TOUGH ‘CAUSE IT’S ON A VOLCANO...
MIND COVERING MY DESK FOR ME WHILE I'M GONE?
SURE.
WELL, I BETTER TAKE OFF. I'VE BEEN TALKING TOO MUCH.
YOU SURE HAVE.
HAHHAHAHA.
HAHAHAHA.
NOT BAD.
YOU THINK?
I DON'T GET IT.
I WANT TO KICK YOU IN THE FACE REPEATEDLY.
YOU SURE HAVE.
DON'T FIRE ME.
I'M A GENIUS.
I DON'T GET IT.

OKAY YOU TREE-HUGGING LOON, MY HOTEL CHAIN HAS CAPITULATED... WE'RE GONNA PUT HALF TRASH CANS / HALF RECYCLE BINS IN EVERY HOTEL ROOM.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU... IT'S A LITTLE MORE WORK, BUT IT'S WORTH IT.
HOW IS IT MORE WORK? WE JUST TOSS IT ALL IN THE DUMPSTER.
YOU'RE SLIGHTLY MISGUIDED.
HOW ELSE CAN I HUMOR YOUR KIND?

I HEAR YOU'RE STARTING AN ENVIRONMENTALLY-FRIENDLY HOTEL CHAIN.
YEP. WE'RE GONNA REALLY REDUCE THE AMOUNT OF ENERGY IT TAKES TO HEAT ROOMS.
HOW SO?
BY SO TRASHING UP THE ENVIRONMENT THAT GLOBAL WARMING GETS WORSE AND THERE'S NO NEED TO HEAT ANYTHING.
THE SIERRA CLUB MUST LOVE YOU.
EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO BURY COAL FOR NO REASON.

I'M STARTING A GREEN HOTEL CHAIN!
WELL, THAT'S FORWARD-THINKING OF YOU, NOT TO MENTION MONEY-SAVING. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? GREEN ROOFTOPS? RE-USE OF TOWELS? RECYCLING BINS?
THE HOTEL IS PAINTED GREEN.
OF COURSE.
WOULD FOAM CUPS BE MONEY-SAVING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DAD?
Playing lottery. Larry Teeter got all six numbers dis time.
Did the odds of you winning that are about one in fourteen million. That means you'd have to buy 1,000 tickets a day for the next 40 years to have an even chance. Do you understand what that means?
Yeah. It mean Larry stoopid.
Well, it doesn’t make you stupid. It just means...
Larry got go store. Buy 999 more teekets.
NO.
Hey, mommun, household budget gonna change.

YOU JUST REACHED FOR THOSE CHIPS WITH YOUR HAND WHEN YOU COULD HAVE VERY EASILY USED THOSE TONGS.
I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.
SO?
SO LOOK AT THE DEFINITION OF TONGS...
tongs
noun
the things you use
only when others
are looking
HOW COMFORTING.
REMEMBER - IF NO ONE'S THERE, TOUCHING'S FAIR.

WHERE WERE YOU TODAY?
READING THIS BOOK BY A DOCTOR WHO KEPT TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO EUTHANIZE A HORSE.
I COULDN'T PUT IT DOWN.
THAT WAS THE BOOK TITLE, WASN'T IT?
YEAH. SOMEONE REIN ME IN.