Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
MY HAMSTER DIED. SO I'M BURYING HIM IN A SHOEBOX.
WHAT A SAD LIFE. HE LIVED. HE DIED. HE GETS BURIED IN A BOX.
PLEASE DON'T REMIND ME THAT I'M JUST LIKE A HAMSTER.
FINE. YOU WEAR A HAT.
AND YOU'RE FATTER.

WHERE WERE YOU TODAY, PIG?
AT A PORT IN ALABAMA.
WHAT WERE YOU DOING THERE?
FILLING UP MY TANK AT THIS GAS STATION. THEY'RE GIVING OUT FREE PRIZES, LIKE CELL PHONES AND THIS BALANCING THINGIE.
HEY, PIG. WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?
THE MOBILE MOBILE'S MOBILE AND MOBILE.
TIME TO CALL IT A CAREER.

THIS DRIVER'S LICENSE RENEWAL FORM HAS A BOX ASKING ME IF I WANT TO BE AN ORGAN DONOR.
OF COURSE YOU SHOULD BE.
OKAY.
SPLORT
GOSCH
SPLORT
I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS SO IMMEDIATE.

HEY, GOAT, I’D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND.
AND THE O.C.D. THERE IS FOR OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER?
NO, BUT I MAKE SIX FIGURES. MY CAR ENGINE IS HUGE. AND MY BOAT IS ENORMOUS.
OVERCOMPENSATING DUDE.
DID I MENTION HOW MUCH I MAKE?
YES.

LOOK AT THESE PEOPLE. I THINK IT'S CALLED ZORBING. IT'S MADE UP OF THESE BIG ORBS AND ROLL DOWNHILL.
HOW FUN!
YEAH. HEP'S TAKE MY MIND OFF EVERYTHING.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
EVERYTHING. WE'RE ALL SO DIVIDED NOW AND THERE JUST SEEMS NO WAY OUT.
WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS?
I THINK PART OF THE PROBLEM IS HOW WE GET ALL OUR NEWS. I USED TO READ THE NEWSPAPERS GIVE IT TO US- GOOD, BAD, WHATEVER.
BUT NOW MOST OF US GET OUR NEWS FROM OUR FACEBOOK AND TWITTER FEEDS IN HERE WE CAN TAILOR OUR NEWS TO REINFORCE WHAT WE BELIEVE AND KEEP OUT WHAT WE DON'T.
AND THE RESULT IS THAT EACH OF US IS JUST LIVING IN OUR OWN LITTLE BUBBLE.
OH GOD.
OBAMA'S A MUSLIM!
TRUMP'S A FASCIST!
THEY'RE NOT ZORBING, ARE THEY?
WAKE ME IN A DECADE.
GODFATHER III WAS A GREAT FILM.

PIG, THIS IS MY FRIEND, DOUG. HE WORKS FOR A THINK TANK IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
I FEAR THOSE.
WHY IS THAT?
THEY'RE LIKE SMART CARS, ONLY DEADLIER.
I ...
DON'T BOTHER.
STUPID TECHNOLOGY.

NO MATTER WHAT I DO IN LIFE, THERE'S THIS HOLE INSIDE ME AND IT NEVER GETS FILLED. NOT BY ACCOMPLISHMENTS. NOT BY ACCLAIM. NOT BY RESPECT.
I FILL MINE WITH CHEESE PUFFS.
I DON'T THINK THAT WORKS.
I DUNNO. MINE IS PRETTY FULL.

I SEARCHED FOR "STEPHAN PASTIS" ON FACEBOOK AND I THINK I FOUND YOU.
YEAH... I JUST POSTED ABOUT MY NEW BOOK TOUR.
I SAW THAT... SO THAT'S LIKE WHERE YOU GO TO PLACES AND MEET FANS AND SIGN BOOKS?
SURE IS.
WHY?
BECAUSE I'M SEEING A LARGE, EMPTY ROOM WITH JUST YOU AND YOUR MOTHER.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION, SHE HAS TO WASH HER HAIR THAT DAY.
WE ALL DO.
AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE HAIR!

HEY, RAT, I WENT INTO YOUR LIVING ROOM TO WATCH T.V., BUT THERE'S SOMEBODY ON YOUR COUCH.
THAT'S MY PERSONAL TRAINER.
MY PERSONAL TRAINER NEEDS A PERSONAL TRAINER.

WHO'S YOUR FRIEND, RAT?
MY PERSONAL TRAINER, BENNIE. BENNIE'S DISCIPLINED APPROACH WILL HELP ME STICK TO A STRICT REGIMEN OF HEALTHY EATING AND STRENUOUS EXERCISE.
THAT'S RIGHT. NOW LET'S GET STARTED.
NAH. LET'S JUST SIT ON OUR @#*% AND DRINK BEER.
BENNIE MIGHT NOT BE MUCH HELP.

THE WOMAN WHO STARTED THE COMPANY I WORK AT CAME TO THE EMPLOYEE LUNCHROOM TODAY AND ORDERED FLOUNDER. BUT WHEN SHE WENT TO THE BATHROOM, HER MEAL WAS GONE.
DID SHE EVER FIND IT?
YEAH.
THE FOUNDER FOUND HER FLOUNDER.
FIND MEANINGFUL WORK.

DID YOU ORDER THE KABOOM HASH BROWNS?
NO. ARE YOU LOOKING AT THE BILL?
I'M LOOKING AT GILBERT'S BILL.
DID THEY OVER-CHARGE HER?
YES. IT'S THE CHIEF REASON I DON'T HEAR HER COME HERE ANYMORE.
WHY DO THEY TRY TO RAM THESE CHARGES DOWN YOUR THROAT?
IF YOU ARE AN EAGLE OR TITAN OF INDUSTRY...I THINK YOU'LL SURVIVE...THEY LIKELY RIPPED OFF HIS GIRLFRIEND.
HEY, I'M NO EAGLE...I'M A CARDINAL.
SURE. ITS PART OF BEING A CARDINAL...IT MAKES SENSE.
PLEASE. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GO STEAL HER CASH AGAIN, PIG.
I CAN'T BEAR TO WATCH, STAP. HER REAR OPENING WAS COOKING MY BRAIN AND HEARD YELLING.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? YOU KNOW I GAVE HER STUFF, SHE HAD THAT LAPTOP.
HE'S VIN...JET BLACK HAIR AND MINI SHORTS AND RED SPOT ON JAGUAR OR FINANCIAL...OR WHATEVER YOU DRIVE AND GO.
TWENTY-SIX TO TWENTY-TWO...THREE N.F.L. TEAMS.
IS IT IN YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO OWN THIS?
IS IT YOUR TWENTY-

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, GOAT?
GODFATHER II. THIS IS THE PART WHERE MICHAEL IS ABOUT TO HAVE FREDO SHOT.
HE'S SHOOTING A HOBBIT?
HIS NAME'S FREDO, NOT FRODO.
HOBBITS AND ORGANIZED CRIME DO NOT MIX.

WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT, PIG?
LOOKING FOR ALIENS. NEIGHBOR BOB HAD ONE ON HIS HOUSE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IT'S ALL IN THIS DOCUMENT HE SHOWED ME.
A LIEN. HE HAD A LIEN ON HIS HOUSE.
E.T., PHONE HOME!

When I die, give me a Viking funeral.
Lay your body on a burning boat and push it out to sea?
Yes, but I want all of you to join me on the boat.
But we don't want to die.
But I'd be gone.
Yes, and we'd still want to go on living.
That never once crossed my mind.

HEY, NEIGHBOR RON... HOW ARE YOU DOING?
GOOD. THIS IS MY DAD, RON SR. I HAVE TWO COUSINS NAMED RON ALSO.
POPULAR NAME?
IT RONS IN THE FAMILY.
WILL IT EVER END?
WHEN I RON OUT OF IDEAS.

SINCE THIS IS OUR FIRST DATE, MAYBE YOU CAN TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF.
WELL, I NEVER SEEM TO HAVE LONG RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE I GET BORED WITH GUYS AND CHEAT ON THEM.
YOUR ANSWER RAISED A RED FLAG.

PARDON ME, EVERYONE, BUT SOMEONE IS HAVING A MEDICAL EMERGENCY. IS THERE A TRAINED MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL IN THE HOUSE?
YES.
WHAT’S YOUR TRAINING?
I CAN REMOVE THE WISH BONE WITHOUT HITTING THE SIDES AND MAKING THE GUYS NOSE LIGHT UP.
I DON’T THINK THE GAME “OPERATION” COUNTS.
DOES HE HAVE BUTTERFLIES IN THE STOMACH?

I THINK IT'S
WRONG TO
HUNT ANIMALS
FOR SPORT.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
YOU EAT MEAT.
YEAH, BUT THAT'S
DIFFERENT.
HUNTING SEEMS
MORE CRUEL.
CRUEL? I'LL TELL
YOU WHAT'S CRUEL.
BULLFIGHTING.
WHAT'S
WRONG
WITH BULL-FIGHTING?
IT'S SLOW TORTURE
FOR THE SAKE OF
ENTERTAINMENT. HECK,
I'D RATHER BE SHOT.
WHAT ARE
YOU GUYS
DOING?
JUST
SHOOTING
THE BULL.
WELL, THIS ESCALATED QUICKLY.
THIS WHOLE
COMIC IS
BULL.
WOULD I
STEER YOU
WRONG?

THAT'LL BE $72.20. IS THIS GONNA BE CASH OR CREDIT CARD?
WOULD YOU TAKE A BIG, WARM, WONDERFUL HUG?
CAPITALISM IS BRUTAL.

HI, DAD. IT'S ME, ZEBRA. WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
TRYING TO READ SOMETHING ON A TABLET.
OH, YEAH. IT CAN BE HARD TO READ A BOOK ON THOSE, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S SUNNY AND THE SCREEN HAS A LOT OF GLARE.
WHO READS A BOOK ON A TABLET? ASPIRIN?
I NEVER KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT ALMOST ALL THE BIG STORIES REVEALING GOVERNMENT CORRUPTION AT THE STATE AND LOCAL LEVEL ARE DONE BY NEWSPAPERS?
SO?
SO IF THERE WERE NO NEWSPAPERS LEFT TO SERVE AS WATCHDOGS, WHAT DO YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?
I'D RUN FOR MAYOR.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE BAD.
SO FAR IT SOUNDS PRETTY GREAT.

HEY, RAT, HOW'D YOUR
TENNIS MATCH GO?
I LOST
WITH GRACE.
WELL,
THAT'S
GOOD.
NO, IT'S NOT.
I BLAME IT
ALL ON MY
STUPID
DOUBLES
PARTNER.
THAT
DOESN'T
SOUND
LIKE
GRACE.
IT'S EXACTLY
LIKE GRACE.
SHE'S
TERRIBLE.
I REALLY
AM.
NEVER
MIND.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, RAT?
I SAW A FINANCIAL PLANNER ON T.V. WHO SAID THAT IF YOU WANT TO RETIRE WEALTHY, YOU NEED TO MAKE A PLAN.
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. CAN I SEE?
SURE.
1) WIN LOTTERY
2) KILL RICH UNCLE
DON'T TELL MY UNCLE.

I THINK I'M GONNA APPLY FOR A POSITION AT APPLE.
OH, DON'T BOTHER.
WHY NOT?
NO MORE JOBS.
MY COUSIN IN LOUIS TOLD ME THAT ONE.
OH, GREAT. IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY.