Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I WAS TRYING TO REACH YOU ALL DAY.
SORRY. MY PHONE DIED.
BOOHOOHOO
HIS POOR FAMILY.

RAT THE AIRLINE GATE AGENT
FOLKS. I'M GETTING A LOT OF QUESTIONS ABOUT BAGGAGE POLICY, IN-FLIGHT MEALS, AND WIFI. SO I'M GONNA TRY TO ANSWER EVERYBODY'S QUESTIONS AT ONCE.
IN EACH OF THESE SITUATIONS, THERE IS ONE OPTION THAT MAKES YOUR FLIGHT MORE PLEASANT.
WE WILL NEVER CHOOSE THAT OPTION.
IT'S NICE TO GIVE THE CATTLE SOME CLARITY.

WHAT ARE YOU MAKING, PIG?
I'M DESIGNING MY OWN LABELS FOR THIS SODA POP. THIS ONE'S CALLED 'ASTRO POP' BECAUSE IT HAS THE MOON AND THE STARS AND THE PLANETS.
IT WOULD PROBABLY BE A LITTLE MORE EYE-CATCHING IF ALL THE OBJECTS WERE A BIT MORE SHINY.
OH. OKAY.
AND WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
I'M JUST MAKING THE MOON SHINE.
HE MUST REALLY HATE SODA POP.

HEY, CIVIL GUARD DUCK. SHOULDN'T YOU BE AT A MILITARY BASE?
I GOT BORED SO I FLED. NOW I'M ABSENT WITHOUT LEAVE.
YOU'RE AWOL?
YEP. BUT I'M HANDY, SO I THOUGHT I'D BUILD A NICE BUNKER THAT THE ARMY CAN LATER USE. THAT WAY, IF THEY CATCH ME, THEY MIGHT GO EASY ON ME.
BUT HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET THE MONEY FOR THAT?
MY FRIEND MACK HERE IS GONNA HELP.
WELL NOT ME, EXACTLY. BUT MY SICKO FRIEND. HE'S GOT A LOT OF CASH.
I GUESS AWOL AND MACK'S SICKO IS GONNA PAY FOR IT.
WHAT'S GUARD DUCK DOING?
I CAN'T GET OUT.
I KNOW.

AND HERE'S A PICTURE OF MY CAT. AND HERE'S ANOTHER. AND LOOK HOW CUTE SHE IS IN THIS ONE. DO YOU HAVE ANY ANIMALS?
YEAH. JUST A PEEVE.
A PEEVE?
A PET PEEVE. ABOUT PEOPLE SHOWING ME ALL THEIR CAT PHOTOS.
CAT LOVERS CAN BE VERY SENSITIVE.

ELFIE SHELFIE SELFIE.
PLEASE FIND OTHER EMPLOYMENT.

FOLKS, WE HAVE AN OVERSOLD FLIGHT TODAY, SO WE'RE GONNA START ASKING FOR VOLUNTEERS WILLING TO GIVE UP THEIR SEATS.
AS WE HAVE NO VOLUNTEERS, I WILL NOW RESORT TO A TECHNIQUE I CALL THE 'UNFRIENDLY SKIES.'
HE ENJOYS THIS JOB TOO MUCH.
FEEL LIKE VOLUNTEERING NOW?

LOOK HOW MUCH THESE GUYS LOOK LIKE EACH OTHER. IT’S UNCANNY.
I’M SORRY, PIG. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WORD MEANS?
HA HA. OF COURSE.
USE IT IN A SENTENCE.
I PREFER BEER IN BOTTLES BECAUSE IT TASTES UNCANNY.
UH. NO.
YOU PREFER BEER IN CANS?

HI, FOLKS, WE'RE GONNA START THE BOARDING PROCESS WITH FIRST CLASS. WELCOME ABOARD!
NEXT WILL BE OUR GOLD PREMIERE MEMBERS AND BUSINESS PLATINUM SELECT. WELCOME ABOARD!
OKAY, NOW THE REST OF YOU SCUM.
TECHNICALLY, THEY'RE STILL PEOPLE.
MOOOOO, CATTLE, MOOOOOO.

RATS AT A JOB PLACEMENT AGENCY TODAY... THEY’RE TRYING TO PLACE HIM SOMEWHERE THAT’S SUITED TO HIS SKILL SET.
WHAT DID HE TELL THEM HIS WAS?
BEING HOSTILE AND RUDE AND TREATING PEOPLE HOWEVER HE WANTS. PARTICULARLY WHEN THEY’RE HELPLESS AND TRAPPED.
BUT WHAT INDUSTRY WOULD WANT THAT?
WELCOME TO OUR AIRLINE.
SO IF WE’RE OVERSOLD, CAN I PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE?

HAMMY HAMSTER SAVED UP ALL HER MONEY TO TAKE HER KIDS TO EUROPE.
YAY!
WE'LL SEE ALL THE GREAT CITIES.
YAY!
WE'LL VISIT ALL THE MUSEUMS.
YAY!
WE'LL SAMPLE ALL THE CUISINE.
YAY!
BECAUSE THIS WILL BE AN ADVENTURE!
YAY!!!
I'M BORED!
DOES THIS PLACE HAVE WIFI?
CAN WE EAT AT MCDONALD'S?
AND THAT'S WHY HAMSTERS EAT THEIR YOUNG.
THAT SEEMS FAIR.
BUT DID THEY HAVE WIFI?

Woomun, me tink me want renew wedding vows.
Really, Larry? That's so romantic. Why?
Becuss me tink me got bad deal da first time.
Woomun tuff negoshiator.

HEY, GOAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND... HE'S AN EMBEDDED REPORTER.
OH, WOW. THOSE GUYS GO TO IRAQ AND SYRIA. HARD TO FIND A PERSON WITH MORE GUTS THAN SOMEONE WHO'S EMBEDDED.
HEY. WANT TO BE INTERVIEWED?
NOT WHAT I WAS EXPECTING.
WILL ONE OF YOU GET ME MORE CHEESE PUFFS?

RAT THE PRESIDENT
YOU SHOULD BE AWARE THAT I FIRED MY LAST ADVISOR BECAUSE HE MADE A DUMB "FAKE NOOSE" PUN.
YESSIR. I WON'T MAKE A JOKE ABOUT A NOOSE OR ANYTHING ELSE.
THAT'S THE BEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL WEEK.
SO NO NOOSE IS GOOD NOOSE?
I RAN HIM OVER WITH AIR FORCE ONE.

THE PRESS IS ANNOYING ME. LET'S TAR AND FEATHER THEM.
CAN'T DO THAT, SIR.
WHY NOT?
IT WOULD SET A BAD PRESIDENT.
LET THAT BE A LESSON.

LOOK AT THAT PERFECT SLICE OF PIZZA. I'M GONNA GET MY PHONE AND TAKE A PHOTO OF IT TO SHARE ON INSTAGRAM.
SPLOINK
CHOMP
CHOMP
CHOMP
WE OLD SCHOOLERS JUST EAT THE FOOD.

RAT THE PRESIDENT
I DON'T LIKE THIS DON LEMON FELLOW ON CNN. I THINK WE NEED TO BAN HIM.
SIR, WE CAN'T BAN JOURNALISTS.
FINE. LET'S DEPORT HIM.
WE CAN'T, SIR. HE'S A CITIZEN.
THEN LET'S ALL LEAVE THE COUNTRY AND LEAVE HIM HERE BY HIMSELF.
OH, LORD.
EXECUTIVE ORDER! EVERYONE OUT!

SON...HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?
GOOD MA...I'M SO EXCITED. I'M THINKING OF TRAVELING TO TURKEY.
OH, NO...THAT SCARES ME.
WELL, I MAY JUST GO TO EUROPE INSTEAD.
WHAT'S GOING ON OVER THERE?
WELL, I MAY STAY CLOSER TO HOME AND SEE MEXICO.
OH, GOODNESS. THEY'RE GOING NUTS DOWN THERE.
WELL, I MAY JUST DRIVE AROUND THE U.S.
WITH ALL THE CRAZIES ON THE ROAD?
WELL, I MAY JUST SIT IN MY LOCKED HOUSE WEARING A HELMET AND ELBOW PADS.
AND LEAVE YOUR KNEES UNPROTECTED?
MOMS SHOULD BE ON A NEED-TO-KNOW BASIS.
I VOTE WE HURT HIM INTO PASTIS, MS. PASTIS.

Hey, Rat. It's Goat. I want to text, but I have to drive, so I'm gonna switch to one of those voice-to-text apps.
Wann mow onc be gwis soren dihi macerdone forsc widucs hywanro
EITHER THAT TECHNOLOGY NEEDS HELP OR HE JUST BECAME WELSH.

GOAT, THIS IS DOCTOR DAN. HE'S A PART OF 'DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS'.
OH, YEAH, THAT GREAT GROUP THAT GOES TO WAR ZONES AND OTHER AREAS IN CRISIS AND PROVIDES MEDICAL CARE.
NO. WE'RE JUST DOCTORS WHO ARE SAD THAT THE BORDERS BOOKSTORE CHAIN SHUT DOWN.
THERE ARE OTHER BOOKSTORES.
IT'S NOT THE SAME.

HI, MOONSHINE MIKE, MADE ANY LIQUOR LATELY?
YEP. WITH MY HOME-MADE STILL. THE ONE THAT DOESN'T SHAKE OR MOVE AT ALL.
THE ONE YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD?
YEP. STILL THE STILL STILL.
YOU'RE STILL A PAIN IN MY @##.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
PUTTING DOWN HIS HORSE.
OH, MY GOD, NO! WHY?
YOU'RE FAT, YOU'RE DUMB, AND YOU'RE LAZY.
I THINK HE JUST LIKES PUTTING HIM DOWN.

Dear Pope, I would like to be named a saint.
You may ask why I should be considered for this high honor. And I'll tell you.
Because as a saint, I think I'd be less likely to punch idiots.
OH, GOOD.
UNLESS YOU THINK THERE IS ROOM FOR A PUNCHING SAINT.

HEY, STEPH, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE KEY TO WRITING A GOOD JOKE?
I THINK IT'S ALL IN HOW YOU FRAME IT.
NOPE. STILL STUPID.

DID YOU KNOW THAT MOST PEOPLE ARE SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN TO BE IDIOTS?
WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT?
HERE. ON THIS MESSAGE BOARD.
THAT'S JUST SOMEBODY'S OPINION.
YEAH, BUT IT CITES THIS BLOG.
BUT IS THE AUTHOR A SCIENTIST?
NO, BUT HE REFERENCES THIS ONLINE MAGAZINE.
ARE THEY SOME KIND OF EXPERTS?
NO, BUT THEY LINK TO WIKIPEDIA.
BUT ANYONE CAN ENTER STUFF ON WIKIPEDIA.
YEAH, BUT WHO'S GONNA GO ON WIKIPEDIA AND FALSELY CLAIM THAT PEOPLE ARE SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN TO BE IDIOTS?
I THINK I'LL DISCONNECT FROM ALL TECHNOLOGY.