Pearls Before Swine | Search

I HEAR YOU THINK THERE'S ABOUT TO BE A HUGE CATASTROPHE IN THE WORLD AND YOU HAVE A PLAN.
YES. I'M A PREPPER. WHEN IT ALL GOES DOWN, I HAVE A PILOT WHO WILL FLY ME TO A NEW ZEALAND SHELTER WHERE ONE PERSON CAN LIVE FOR TEN YEARS WITH ALL HE COULD EVER WANT TO EAT.
WHAT ABOUT THE PILOT?
I WON'T EAT THE PILOT.
OH GOOD. I THOUGHT YOU WERE BEING INHUMANE.
HE'D BE FAR TOO SCRAWNY BY THEN ANYWAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M A PREPPER NOW. WE'RE PEOPLE WHO ARE PREPARING TO SURVIVE A WORLDWIDE CATASTROPHE.
I'M ONE ALSO, GOAT... YOU SHOULD JOIN US.
SO YOU'RE BOTH PREPPERS?
YEP.
I'M A PREPPER,
HE'S A PREPPER.
WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO BE A PREPPER TOO?
WE'RE NOT ABOVE PRODUCT ENDORSEMENT DEALS.

I WATCH THE NEWS NOW AND IT SEEMS LIKE NOTHING BUT DESPAIR.
WHAT'S THAT?
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT DESPAIR IS?
THE EXTRA TIRE IN THE TRUNK OF THE CAR?
NO... I'M SADDER THAN BEFORE.
RELAX. IT'S JUST A TIRE.

HEY, PIG, WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?
MY NEW STEREO.
I HAVE THE UTMOST RESPECT FOR MY BELOVED WIFE... AND I WOULD NEVER CHEAT OR STRAY IN ANY WAY.
IT'S HIGH FIDELITY.

WHY DOES EVERYONE MAKE SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF KLAY THOMPSON AND STEPH CURRY? I'VE BEEN PLAYING ON MY OWN COURT HERE FOR AN HOUR AND I'VE ALREADY MADE 60 THREE-POINTERS IN A ROW.
I MEASURED IT. IT'S REGULATION.
A REGULATION SOCCER GOAL?

HEY, GOAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
MY BUDDY LINCOLN AND I GOT A JOB WORKING ON 'THE INCAN,' A GRAPHIC NOVEL ABOUT THE GREAT INCA CIVILIZATION.
WHAT DO YOU DO ON IT?
MY JOB IS TO PENCIL IN ALL THE ARTWORK.
AND THEN YOU JUST GO OVER IT IN INK?
NO. LINCOLN'S INKIN' INCAN.
WANT TO BE A MODEL FOR A HUMAN SACRIFICE SCENE?
NO THANKS.

THERE'S NOTHING ON TONIGHT, DO YOU HAVE ANY D.V.D.s :)
OOH, GREAT IDEA. LET'S CHECK WHAT I HAVE.
LET'S SEE... I HAVE THE COMPLETE SET OF 'THE COSBY SHOW' WHICH... OH.
I'VE GOT 'HOUSE OF CARDS' WHICH -- DARN.
WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS 'LOUIE'... DANG.
WELL, THERE'S MY COMPLETE SET OF 'CHARLIE ROSE,' WHICH -- DARN.
WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS -- DANG! DANG! DANG! DARN! DARN! DARN! DANG!
HOPE YOU LIKE 'THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE.'

HEY, PIG, YOU LOOK A LITTLE DOWN.
YEAH, I'M WORRIED ABOUT THE COUNTRY. ALL THE TRAGEDIES. THE ANGER. THE FIRES. THE SUFFERING. THE DIVISION. THE FLOODS. THE VIOLENCE.
WELL, KEEP ON FLOSSING.
NEVER TRY TO HAVE A DEEP DISCUSSION WITH A DENTIST.

I LOVE ALL THESE OLD COMEDY TEAMS... LAUREL AND HARDY, ABBOTT AND COSTELLO, THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS.
THAT'S VERY HOMOPHOBIC.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
ONE OF THEM ALWAYS HAD TO BE A STRAIGHT MAN.
WE HATE YOU.

LOOKS LIKE THE TEAM IS GONNA PUNT.
WHAT'S A PUNT.?
IT'S WHEN THEY GIVE UP BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO FAR AWAY FROM THEIR GOAL AND DON'T WANT TO RISK FAILURE.
IT DOESN'T WORK IN LIFE.
I BROKE A LIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
ART. I'M TAKING A PORTRAITURE CLASS. THIS WEEK WE'RE SUPPOSED TO DRAW VARIOUS SPIRITUAL LEADERS FROM AROUND THE WORLD.
THAT'S NOT WHAT THE DALAI LAMA LOOKS LIKE.

I GOT A ROOMBA. I JUST TURN IT ON AND IT VACUUMS ALL MY FLOORS.
THAT’S IT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
MINE DOES MY DISHES.
NOW I FEEL RIPPED OFF.
HEY! GO WRITE MY THANK-YOU NOTES.

ALRIGHT, EVERYONE. BEFORE WE RING IN THE NEW YEAR, I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA TO REFLECT ON THE YEAR WE'VE ALL JUST HAD.
WELL, THAT WAS CATHARTIC.

Ron, can you take the kids to soccer practice on Monday?
No. That's the night of the homeowners association meeting. Why can't you take them?
I'm taking the Honda in for its 100,000 mile service.
That's due already?
Yeah, and the dealership says it's gonna cost around $1200.
How are we supposed to afford that?
THE END
A ROMANCE NOVEL SET IN THE TENTH YEAR OF MARRIAGE.
NOW SHE'S EXHAUSTED AND SHE'S GOING TO BED EARLY.
OOH... THREE CHAPTERS ON REPLACING THE ROOF!

MY WIFE AND I ARE THINKING ABOUT HAVING KIDS, BUT I DON'T KNOW IF WE SHOULD.
OF COURSE YOU SHOULD. HAVING LITTLE KIDS AROUND IS ONE OF THE GREATEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL JOYS YOU CAN EXPERIENCE.
WOW. I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT. THANKS FOR THE ADVICE.
I JUST WANT HIM TO BE AS MISERABLE AS ME.

WELCOME HOME, SON! IT'S SO NICE TO HAVE YOU HOME FOR SEMESTER BREAK.
THANKS, MOM. WHERE'S DAD?
HE COULDN'T HANDLE YOU LEAVING HOME, SO WHEN YOU LEFT THREE MONTHS AGO, HE HID IN THE CLOSET AND CONVINCED HIMSELF IT WAS ALL A BIG GAME OF HIDE AND SEEK.
Dis muss be best hiding place ever.

PIG, I ASKED YOU TO PEEL THE BANANAS FOR THIS MILKSHAKE AND YOU PLACED ALL THESE BANANAS IN THERE THAT STILL HAVE SOME OF THEIR PEEL.
SORRY. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD DO?
RE-PEEL AND REPLACE?
MAY YOUR DEDUCTIBLES BE FOREVER HIGH.

HI. I'M LOOKING FOR A LOVESEAT.
SORRY. ALL WE HAVE LEFT ARE THOSE.
YOU'RE NO FUN, CAROL.
I WANT A DIVORCE, BOB.
A NO LONGER IN LOVE SEAT.
AND MUCH MORE EXPENSIVE.

WHATCHA WRITING, RAT?
THANK YOU NOTES TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO GAVE ME GIFTS FOR CHRISTMAS.
WOW. SO SOON.>
CHRISTMAS, 2013.
SO NOT REALLY THAT SOON.
IT'S EASIER 'CAUSE SOME OF THEM HAVE DIED.

I went to a buffet and everyone got mad at me for sneezing.
Well, that's not fair. Sneezing can't be helped. Did you at least cover your mouth?
No.
No? Why not?
I thought that's what the sneeze guard was for.
Oh, god.
What's a sneeze guard for if you can't use it?

AND NOW FOR A COMFORTING ADDRESS FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
OKAY. THINGS ARE BAD.
BUT I AM YOUR PRESIDENT AND I AM HERE TO IMPROVE YOUR LIVES.
SO HERE IS WHAT I PROPOSE.
I WANT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU TO GO OUT AND BUY A DOG, A GUN AND A LARGE SUPPLY OF SPAM.
AND THESE THINGS SHOULD CARRY YOU THROUGH THE COMING APOCALYPSE.
BECAUSE IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF.
NOT THAT COMFORTING.
FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!!
SPAM!

I'VE DETERMINED THAT THE AMOUNT OF DEPRESSION IN MY LIFE IS ALWAYS CONSTANT.
HOW SO?
WELL, IF SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENS, I'M HAPPY FOR JUST A BRIEF MOMENT. BUT THEN MY BRAIN QUICKLY FILLS ITSELF WITH SOMETHING ELSE TO BE DEPRESSED ABOUT.
WHAT'S THAT LIKE?
IT'S LIKE THE AUTOMATIC ICE MAKER IN MY REFRIGERATOR. THE TRAYS NEVER EMPTY FOR LONG.
YOU SOMEHOW MADE ICE DEPRESSING.
I WANT MY COKE WARM!

ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GOING BACK HOME AND SEEING YOUR RELATIVES FOR THE HOLIDAYS?
NO. I ALWAYS FEAR HOME.
WHY IS THAT?
I'M A HOMOPHOBE.
NOT THE WORD YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.
PLEASE DON'T INVALIDATE MY FEELINGS.

HEY, GOAT. WHAT'S STOCKHOLM SYNDROME? BECAUSE I THINK I HAVE IT.
IT'S WHEN YOU'VE BEEN TAKEN HOSTAGE AND DEVELOP A FEELING OF AFFECTION FOR YOUR CAPTOR.
I SEE. THANKS.
IT'S NOT WHEN YOU SHOP TOO MUCH AT IKEA.

STRANGE BUT TRUE CONFESSION TIME:
I ONCE WENT TO A FURRIES CONVENTION DRESSED AS A PANDA.
I'M TURNED ON BY WOMEN WHO CUSS AT ME.
I LIKE STICKING MY FINGER IN MY EAR AND SMELLING IT.
I'VE NEVER SEEN AN EPISODE OF "GAME OF THRONES."
OH, YOU FREAK.
WEIRDO.
HEY! I THOUGHT THIS WAS A SAFE SPACE!
DUDE. YOU'RE SICK.
SICK.