Pearls Before Swine | Search

EXCUSE ME, BUT I'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU TO YOUR MAKERS—
AAAAA AAUUUU GHHHH
... MAKER'S MARK SHOTS OF BOURBON THAT I JUST BOUGHT YOU.
THE GRIM REAPER MAKES A TERRIBLE DRINKING BUDDY.

ITS NO PUNCTUATION DAY IN PEARLS
TERRIFIC WHO NEEDS PUNCTUATION LETS JUST RELAX AND PLAY BASKETBALL WITH MY UNCLE JOE
SHOOT UNCLE JOE
PUNCTUATION IS RATHER IMPORTANT

THEY FEAR THAT THIS POLITICIAN IS A WHITE SUPREMACIST.
WHAT'S THAT?
YOU DON'T KNOW?
I'M GUESSING IT'S A WHITE PERSON WHO LIKES THE SUPREMES.
LET'S STOP TALKING.
AWWW... WHERE DID OUR LOVE GO?

PIG, THIS IS MR. LARSON... HE'S A MEMBER OF OUR CHURCH CLERGY.
YEAH, BUT SOMETIMES I GET BORED, SO I BURN DOWN HOUSES USING LIGHTER FLUID ONCE ENDORSED BY THE GUY WHO HOSTED THE TONIGHT SHOW THE LONGEST.
WELL, THAT'S NOT GOOD.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?
IT'S CARSON ARSON, PARSON LARSON.
LAME. UNFUNNY CARTOONIST.

HEY, RAT. WHO IS THE GUY YOU'RE TALKING TO?
SOME GUY WHO SAYS WE HAD A GRAMMATICAL ERROR IN A STRIP LAST WEEK. HE SAYS IF HE WERE OUR EDITOR, EMBARRASSING MISTAKES LIKE THAT WOULDN'T HAPPEN.
OH, YEAH? WELL, DID HE SEE THE EXTRA "THE" IN THE FIRST SPEECH BALLOON? :)
OH, FUDGE.
IN YOUR FACE, GRAMMAR SNOB!!
HAHA...THAT'S THE LAST ERROR WE'LL EVER MADE!

RATS: SUBTITLES YOU CAN REALLY USE
WELL, I TURNED IN THAT REPORT.
GOOD!
HOPE MANAGEMENT LIKES IT... THEY GENERALLY HAVE A GOOD EYE.
TRUE.
I WANTED TO GET IT DONE BEFORE I TAKE MY VACATION TO MAUI.
MAUI? HOW GREAT!
I'M GONNA TRY TO RUN THIS YEAR, BUT IT'S TOUGH ‘CAUSE IT’S ON A VOLCANO...
MIND COVERING MY DESK FOR ME WHILE I'M GONE?
SURE.
WELL, I BETTER TAKE OFF. I'VE BEEN TALKING TOO MUCH.
YOU SURE HAVE.
HAHHAHAHA.
HAHAHAHA.
NOT BAD.
YOU THINK?
I DON'T GET IT.
I WANT TO KICK YOU IN THE FACE REPEATEDLY.
YOU SURE HAVE.
DON'T FIRE ME.
I'M A GENIUS.
I DON'T GET IT.

OKAY YOU TREE-HUGGING LOON, MY HOTEL CHAIN HAS CAPITULATED... WE'RE GONNA PUT HALF TRASH CANS / HALF RECYCLE BINS IN EVERY HOTEL ROOM.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU... IT'S A LITTLE MORE WORK, BUT IT'S WORTH IT.
HOW IS IT MORE WORK? WE JUST TOSS IT ALL IN THE DUMPSTER.
YOU'RE SLIGHTLY MISGUIDED.
HOW ELSE CAN I HUMOR YOUR KIND?

I HEAR YOU'RE STARTING AN ENVIRONMENTALLY-FRIENDLY HOTEL CHAIN.
YEP. WE'RE GONNA REALLY REDUCE THE AMOUNT OF ENERGY IT TAKES TO HEAT ROOMS.
HOW SO?
BY SO TRASHING UP THE ENVIRONMENT THAT GLOBAL WARMING GETS WORSE AND THERE'S NO NEED TO HEAT ANYTHING.
THE SIERRA CLUB MUST LOVE YOU.
EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO BURY COAL FOR NO REASON.

I'M STARTING A GREEN HOTEL CHAIN!
WELL, THAT'S FORWARD-THINKING OF YOU, NOT TO MENTION MONEY-SAVING. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? GREEN ROOFTOPS? RE-USE OF TOWELS? RECYCLING BINS?
THE HOTEL IS PAINTED GREEN.
OF COURSE.
WOULD FOAM CUPS BE MONEY-SAVING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DAD?
Playing lottery. Larry Teeter got all six numbers dis time.
Did the odds of you winning that are about one in fourteen million. That means you'd have to buy 1,000 tickets a day for the next 40 years to have an even chance. Do you understand what that means?
Yeah. It mean Larry stoopid.
Well, it doesn’t make you stupid. It just means...
Larry got go store. Buy 999 more teekets.
NO.
Hey, mommun, household budget gonna change.

YOU JUST REACHED FOR THOSE CHIPS WITH YOUR HAND WHEN YOU COULD HAVE VERY EASILY USED THOSE TONGS.
I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.
SO?
SO LOOK AT THE DEFINITION OF TONGS...
tongs
noun
the things you use
only when others
are looking
HOW COMFORTING.
REMEMBER - IF NO ONE'S THERE, TOUCHING'S FAIR.

WHERE WERE YOU TODAY?
READING THIS BOOK BY A DOCTOR WHO KEPT TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO EUTHANIZE A HORSE.
I COULDN'T PUT IT DOWN.
THAT WAS THE BOOK TITLE, WASN'T IT?
YEAH. SOMEONE REIN ME IN.

HEY, SAMMY SHEEP... WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
BAAAHHH... JUST PUTTING ON MY ACT WITH THIS FLY.
WHAT KIND OF ACT?
BAAAHHH... WELL, I PLAY VARIOUS SONGS ON MY HARMONICA AND THE FLY HUMS ALONG.
IS IT FUN?
BAAAHHH... NOT REALLY... BUT WE MAKE GOOD CASH.
HE MAKES GOOD CASH... I GET NOTHING.
BAAAHHH... YOU DO WHAT I TELL YOU.
SCROOGE.
BAAAHHH... HUM. BUG.
YOU ARE TO SUNDAY MORNINGS WHAT SCROOGE IS TO CHRISTMAS.
AWWW... YOU FLATTER ME.

A SIGN IN THE BATHROOM SAYS TO NOT THROW FEMININE PRODUCTS IN THE TOILET. WHAT ARE FEMININE PRODUCTS?
I THINK THEY MEAN BRAS AND HIGH HEELS.
NO WONDER THEY CLOG THE TOILETS.
IT'S WHY WE NEED OUR OWN BATHROOMS.

NEIGHBOR BOB AND HIS WIFE AREN'T INTIMATE AS OFTEN AS THEY USED TO BE.
GEE, RAT, THAT'S KIND OF PERSONAL. HOW WOULD YOU EVEN KNOW THAT?
KISS HER, BOB.
NOT WHAT NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH IS FOR, PIG.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
WATCHING YOU.
WHY?
I GOT APPOINTED TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH COMMITTEE.
WAS PIG DROPPED ON HIS HEAD AS A PIGLET?

HEARD THAT.

WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO, PIG?
GUITAR STORE. THIS GIRL I MET BROKE THE THIRD STRING ON HER GUITAR AND SHE NEEDS A NEW ONE.
WHERE DID YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING?
TO GET THIS GIRL A G-STRING.
THAT COULD HAVE GONE BETTER.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I LOST MY ONLY TWITTER FOLLOWER.
SO?
SO I'M GONNA FLY TO WHEREVER HE LIVES AND WOO HIM BACK WITH CASH AND PERSONAL ATTENTION.
THERE HAS TO BE MORE TO LIFE.
GOOD QUOTE. I'LL TWEET THAT.

HEY, BEFORE YOU GO TO THE CONVENIENCE STORE FOR ME, CALL 'EM FIRST AND MAKE SURE THEY HAVE EVERYTHING ON MY LIST.
YOU WANT A DURACELL BATTERY?
YEAH. AND A MORTON SALT.
OKAY.
HI. I'M COMING TO YOUR STORE FOR A SALT AND BATTERY.
Beep Boop Beep
THEY DIDN'T RESPOND WELL.

A DAY IN THE LIFE
(CIRCA 1979)
I HAVE A FEW FREE
HOURS.
I'LL READ A BOOK!
I'LL VISIT A FRIEND!
I'LL PAINT A PICTURE!
A DAY IN THE
LIFE (CIRCA 2017)
I HAVE A FEW
FREE HOURS
CAT VIDEOS!
CAT VIDEOS!
CAT VIDEOS!
I'M GETTING
SAD.
WATCH
A CAT VIDEO.
HAHAHA!
FLUFFY KEEPS
FALLING OFF
THE COUCH!

WHY DO WE ALL TAKE SO MANY SELFIES ON OUR PHONES?
BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS AROUND TO TAKE THE PHOTOS.
WHY DON'T WE HAVE ANY FRIENDS AROUND?
BECAUSE WE SPEND ALL OUR TIME ON OUR PHONES.
IT ALL MAKES SENSE.
WHAT'D YOU SAY?

GOODBYE, DAD. I LOVE YOU.
IT'S GREAT THAT YOU TELL HIM THAT. I USED TO SAY IT TO MY DAD AND IT WAS THE LAST THING I EVER SAID TO HIM ON THE PHONE.
OH, MY GOD. HE DIED?
NO. DROPPED HIS PHONE IN THE RIVER.
HE WAS TOO CHEAP TO GET A NEW ONE.

Rat:
You're stupid.
Bob10113:
You're stupid.
Rat:
You're stupid.
Bob10113:
You're stupid.
Rat:
You're stupid.
Bob10113:
You're stupid.
Rat:
You're stupid.
Bob10113:
You're stupid.
INTERNET COMMENT BOARDS ARE NOT THE MOST PRODUCTIVE USE OF ONE’S DAY.

I'VE READ THE LAST PAGE OF THIS BOOK FOUR TIMES. IT'S LIKE MY EYES SEE IT, BUT MY BRAIN ISN'T PAYING ATTENTION.
YEAH. THERE'S A SCIENTIFIC REASON FOR THAT.
WHAT IS IT?
SOMETIMES THE BRAIN GOES TO THE KITCHEN FOR A BEER.
NO WONDER I CAN'T LOSE WEIGHT.
AND YOURS MIGHT BE SNEAKING FRITOS.

WILL CRAM INTO VOLKSWAGEN FOR FOOD.
CIRCUS CLOSURES ARE AN UGLY THING.