Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, GOAT, I HEAR YOU'RE GOING TO NICE, FRANCE TO SEE YOUR SISTER'S DAUGH-TER. I HEAR IT'S NECEE.
IT'S PRO-NOUNCED 'NEECE.'
OH, SORRY. I HEAR IT'S NEECE.
YOU MEAN NICE.
YES. NICE IS NEECE.
'NEECE' IS NICE.
OHHHH, I GET IT.
YOU DO?
YES, YOUR NIECE IN NICE IS NEECE.
ARGGGHHH YOU STUPID @*&%!!!
THAT WASN'T NEECE.

I'M BORED. I NEED TO START USING ALL THIS POWER.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND, SIR? JOBS? CLIMATE CHANGE?
RUNNING AROUND HITTING PEOPLE WITH A STICK.
I'M NOT SURE THAT'S WISE, SIR.
DON'T TELL ME I BECAME PRESIDENT FOR NOTHING.

I WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN PEOPLES LIVES.
THAT'S GREAT. I THINK THE MEASURE OF ONE'S LIFE IS THE POSITIVE DIFFERENCE ONE MAKES.
WHO SAID IT'D BE POSITIVE?
NEVER MIND.
A DIFFERENCE IS A DIFFERENCE.

HEY, PIG... RAT SAYS YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR THREE DAYS TO AVOID EVERYTHING HAPPENING IN THE WORLD. THAT'S NOT RIGHT... WHAT DO YOU THINK A BED IS FOR?
B.E.D.
Because Everything's Dreadful
HE MAKES SOME GOOD POINTS.

AH, WHAT A GLORIOUS MORNING... I'LL JUST CHECK MY TWITTER FEED AND SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE WORLD.
THE WORLD IS A TERRIBLE PLACE TO START YOUR DAY.

HEY, RAT, SAY SOME- THING RUDE TO MY ARAB PAL HERE AND SEE HOW I REACT.
HE'S FAT AND STUPID.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TURNING THE OTHER SHEIKH.
MAY A CAMEL STOMP ON YOUR FAMILY JEWELS.

DUDE, IT'S NOON... WHY ARE YOU STILL IN BED?
BECAUSE NOTHING THAT WILL HAPPEN TODAY WILL BE BETTER THAN THE WARMTH AND COMFORT THAT I HAVE HERE.
YOU MAY HAVE SOLVED LIFE.

OH GOD...HEEEELP!!
I'LL SAVE YOU!
OH THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
OK... NOW GRAB MY ARM!
OK...BUT DON'T LET GO!
I PROMISE. I WILL NEVER LET YOU GO. JUST TRUST ME.
PARDON ME, BUT I HAVE A BRIEFCASE OF MONEY TO GIVE YOU. BUT TO GET IT, YOU'LL NEED TO COME OVER HERE.
AAAHHH!!
THIS HAS BEEN ANOTHER EDITION OF CONGRESSMAN SEARCH & RESCUE
I'LL SAVE YOU! (IF IT SUITS MY INTEREST.)
WORST COMIC BOOK EVER.
HEY... HE CAN'T SAVE EVERYONE.
HE RESCUED THAT POOR MONEY!

HOW TO NOT BE AFFECTED BY WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY ABOUT YOU


LALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!

MOST SELF-HELP BOOKS ARE A LITTLE MORE MATURE.

LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

I SAW THE MOST INSPIRING iPHONE VIDEO OF SOMEBODY SAVING A GUY FROM A BURNING CAR.
I SAW THAT TOO. THERE WERE LIKE SIX DIFFERENT ANGLES OF IT.
YEAH, BECAUSE SIX DIFFERENT PEOPLE STOOD THERE FILMING INSTEAD OF HELPING.
SO THAT'S HOW THAT HAPPENS.
GETTING 'LIKES' IS VERY IMPORTANT.

PARDON ME, JEF THE CYCLIST, BUT I'M TRYING TO DRIVE MY CAR AND YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET.
TOUGH TURDS, PIG. THIS IS A CITY-DESIGNATED BIKE BOULEVARD NOW.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S A STREET WHERE CYCLISTS ARE GIVEN PRIORITY OVER CARS.
BUT YOU'RE HAVING A PICNIC.
AND THEN THEY MADE ME CUT UP THEIR APPLES.

DID YOU HEAR RAT IS NOW "EASILY OFFENDED GUY"?
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
HERE'S YOUR COFFEE, PIG. DO YOU WANT IT BLACK?
NO.
THINLY VEILED RACISM.
NOW YOU KNOW.
YOU WILL NOW BE UNEMPLOYABLE FOR LIFE!
WAIT. I ALREADY AM.

WHAT'S WITH THE GET-UP?
I AM NOW 'EASILY OFFENDED GUY.'
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
SAY SOMETHING.
AN APPLE IS RED.
RACIST CODE FOR NATIVE AMERICANS!
OH, THIS WILL BE FUN.
UN-OFFEND ME OR BE CONDEMNED.

HEY, GOAT, DOES THAT HANDY FRIEND OF YOURS KNOW HOW TO BUILD WINDOW SHUTTERS? PEOPLE CAN SEE RIGHT INTO MY GIRLFRIEND PIGITA'S SHOWER.
YEP. THAT'S RIGHT WITHIN HIS PURVIEW.
CRACK
I DIDN'T SAY 'PERV VIEW.'
OH, YES YOU DID.

Hi. Me looking for small
aneemal. You look gud.
Jump een mout.
OH. GEE NO,
THANKS... I
DON'T WANT
TO DIE.
DANG!
DANG!
DANG!
DON'T BE FRUSTRATED.
I'M SURE YOU CAN
HUNT SOMETHING.
No.
Me got
book.
WELL. MAYBE YOU CAN
JUST GO BUY A BURGER.
THAT'S A DEAD ANIMAL.
Oh. Gud
idea. But
me got no
monies.
HERE YOU GO... DON'T
BE DOWN. I'M SURE
YOU'RE QUITE FIERCE.
Yeah.
GRRRR
WORST NATURE
DOCUMENTARY
EVER.
I TOLD HIM TO
AVOID THAT
CAMERA CREW.

IF THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE WERE WRITTEN TODAY.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.
Just sayin'.
IT REALLY IS A STUPID EXPRESSION.
LIKE YOUR PUNS.
JUST SAYIN'.

WELL, I'M OFF TO TAKE A COUPLE TESTS FOR A JOB I WANT TO GET.
HANG ON PIG. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET ED. WE'RE BESTIES.
BESTIES?
YEAH. I'M HIS BEST FRIEND, AND HE'S MINE. AND TOGETHER, TWO BESTS MAKE BESTIES. SO WHAT DID YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING TO DO?
TAKE A COUPLE OF... TESTIES.
OKAY, WHO STARTED THIS?
NOT ME.
I CAN'T MENTION MY TWO TESTIES?

WELL, RAT, I'M AFRAID I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS. I'VE LOOKED AT YOUR ULTRASOUND AND YOUR CT SCAN AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE KIDNEY STONES.
WRONG. FAKE NEWS. YOU FAIL. SAD!
HAS THE WORLD CHANGED OR IS IT ME?

HOW ARE WE TODAY, SIR?
SAD. THE PRESS IS STILL SAYING MEAN THINGS ABOUT ME.
WELL, THAT'S THEIR FIRST AMENDMENT PRIVILEGE. IT'S RIGHT THERE IN THE BILL OF RIGHTS.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID I HAD THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES BRING ME THE ACTUAL DOCUMENT.
AND I CROSSED THAT PART OUT.
OH, LORD.
NOW IT JUST LOOKS LIKE A BIG FOUNDING FATHER BOO-BOO.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, RAT?
I DON'T FEEL LIKE TALKING ABOUT IT.
WHAT'S WITH THE PASTA?
PENNE FOR YOUR THOUGHTS.
YOU DID NOT IMPROVE HIS MOOD.

RAT SENT US A POSTCARD FROM HIS HAWAIIAN VACATION.
OH, MAN...I WISH I COULD HAVE GONE THERE...
WHAT'S IT SAY?
ME
YOU
VACATIONING FRIENDS ARE THE WORST.

MY NEW GIRLFRIEND. SHE TOLD A JOKE AND I'M JUST SAYING 'HA.'
'HA' ISN'T A LAUGH. IT'S A RETORT.
WHAT ABOUT 'HAHA'?
SARCASTIC LAUGH.
'HAHAHA!'
MILDY AMUSED.
'HAHAHAHA!'
ACTUAL LAUGH.
HAHAHAHA
YOU JUST SENT A TEXT WITH FIVE OR MORE HA'S.
SO?
SO NOW YOU LOOK DRUNK.
MAYBE I'LL JUST THROW MY PHONE IN A RIVER.
Excuse me. But are you drunk?

HEY, GOAT, YOU DATING ANYONE?
YEAH. THIS GIRL I MET. PARALEGAL.
HE'S DATING SOMEONE WHO'S BARELY LEGAL.
PARALEGAL!

ONCE WHEN I WAS A KID, MY DAD MADE ME GET HIM ICE CREAM IN THE MIDDLE OF "HAPPY DAYS" AND I MISSED FONZIE SAVING PINKY TUSCADARO IN THE DEMOLITION DERBY.
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST BACK UP THE D.V.R.?
DIDN'T EXIST.
D.V.D.? NOPE. IPHONE?...NOPE. NETFLIX?...NOPE. INTERNET?,,..NOPE. V.C.R.?...NOPE.
GOOD GOD, HOW OLD ARE YOU?
I'M NOT THAT OLD!
ARE YOU ONE OF THE LAST SURVIVORS FROM THAT ERA?

RAT THE AIRLINE GATE AGENT
FOLKS, I'M AFRAID TODAYS FLIGHT IS OVERSOLD.
THE GOOD NEWS, THOUGH, IS THAT WE'RE FLYING TO TOKYO, WHERE THEY SOMETIMES USE LONG STICKS TO CRAM HUMANS INTO SUBWAY CARS.
AND, WELL, I'M SURE YOU SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING.
LET'S NOT TELL THE FAA ABOUT THIS.
OOF
OH, GOD.
SEE, YOU ALL FIT NOW.