Pearls Before Swine | Search

FOLKS, WE HAVE AN OVERSOLD FLIGHT TODAY, SO WE'RE GONNA START ASKING FOR VOLUNTEERS WILLING TO GIVE UP THEIR SEATS.
AS WE HAVE NO VOLUNTEERS, I WILL NOW RESORT TO A TECHNIQUE I CALL THE 'UNFRIENDLY SKIES.'
HE ENJOYS THIS JOB TOO MUCH.
FEEL LIKE VOLUNTEERING NOW?

LOOK HOW MUCH THESE GUYS LOOK LIKE EACH OTHER. IT’S UNCANNY.
I’M SORRY, PIG. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WORD MEANS?
HA HA. OF COURSE.
USE IT IN A SENTENCE.
I PREFER BEER IN BOTTLES BECAUSE IT TASTES UNCANNY.
UH. NO.
YOU PREFER BEER IN CANS?

HI, FOLKS, WE'RE GONNA START THE BOARDING PROCESS WITH FIRST CLASS. WELCOME ABOARD!
NEXT WILL BE OUR GOLD PREMIERE MEMBERS AND BUSINESS PLATINUM SELECT. WELCOME ABOARD!
OKAY, NOW THE REST OF YOU SCUM.
TECHNICALLY, THEY'RE STILL PEOPLE.
MOOOOO, CATTLE, MOOOOOO.

RATS AT A JOB PLACEMENT AGENCY TODAY... THEY’RE TRYING TO PLACE HIM SOMEWHERE THAT’S SUITED TO HIS SKILL SET.
WHAT DID HE TELL THEM HIS WAS?
BEING HOSTILE AND RUDE AND TREATING PEOPLE HOWEVER HE WANTS. PARTICULARLY WHEN THEY’RE HELPLESS AND TRAPPED.
BUT WHAT INDUSTRY WOULD WANT THAT?
WELCOME TO OUR AIRLINE.
SO IF WE’RE OVERSOLD, CAN I PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE?

HAMMY HAMSTER SAVED UP ALL HER MONEY TO TAKE HER KIDS TO EUROPE.
YAY!
WE'LL SEE ALL THE GREAT CITIES.
YAY!
WE'LL VISIT ALL THE MUSEUMS.
YAY!
WE'LL SAMPLE ALL THE CUISINE.
YAY!
BECAUSE THIS WILL BE AN ADVENTURE!
YAY!!!
I'M BORED!
DOES THIS PLACE HAVE WIFI?
CAN WE EAT AT MCDONALD'S?
AND THAT'S WHY HAMSTERS EAT THEIR YOUNG.
THAT SEEMS FAIR.
BUT DID THEY HAVE WIFI?

Woomun, me tink me want renew wedding vows.
Really, Larry? That's so romantic. Why?
Becuss me tink me got bad deal da first time.
Woomun tuff negoshiator.

HEY, GOAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND... HE'S AN EMBEDDED REPORTER.
OH, WOW. THOSE GUYS GO TO IRAQ AND SYRIA. HARD TO FIND A PERSON WITH MORE GUTS THAN SOMEONE WHO'S EMBEDDED.
HEY. WANT TO BE INTERVIEWED?
NOT WHAT I WAS EXPECTING.
WILL ONE OF YOU GET ME MORE CHEESE PUFFS?

RAT THE PRESIDENT
YOU SHOULD BE AWARE THAT I FIRED MY LAST ADVISOR BECAUSE HE MADE A DUMB "FAKE NOOSE" PUN.
YESSIR. I WON'T MAKE A JOKE ABOUT A NOOSE OR ANYTHING ELSE.
THAT'S THE BEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL WEEK.
SO NO NOOSE IS GOOD NOOSE?
I RAN HIM OVER WITH AIR FORCE ONE.

THE PRESS IS ANNOYING ME. LET'S TAR AND FEATHER THEM.
CAN'T DO THAT, SIR.
WHY NOT?
IT WOULD SET A BAD PRESIDENT.
LET THAT BE A LESSON.

LOOK AT THAT PERFECT SLICE OF PIZZA. I'M GONNA GET MY PHONE AND TAKE A PHOTO OF IT TO SHARE ON INSTAGRAM.
SPLOINK
CHOMP
CHOMP
CHOMP
WE OLD SCHOOLERS JUST EAT THE FOOD.

RAT THE PRESIDENT
I DON'T LIKE THIS DON LEMON FELLOW ON CNN. I THINK WE NEED TO BAN HIM.
SIR, WE CAN'T BAN JOURNALISTS.
FINE. LET'S DEPORT HIM.
WE CAN'T, SIR. HE'S A CITIZEN.
THEN LET'S ALL LEAVE THE COUNTRY AND LEAVE HIM HERE BY HIMSELF.
OH, LORD.
EXECUTIVE ORDER! EVERYONE OUT!

SON...HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?
GOOD MA...I'M SO EXCITED. I'M THINKING OF TRAVELING TO TURKEY.
OH, NO...THAT SCARES ME.
WELL, I MAY JUST GO TO EUROPE INSTEAD.
WHAT'S GOING ON OVER THERE?
WELL, I MAY STAY CLOSER TO HOME AND SEE MEXICO.
OH, GOODNESS. THEY'RE GOING NUTS DOWN THERE.
WELL, I MAY JUST DRIVE AROUND THE U.S.
WITH ALL THE CRAZIES ON THE ROAD?
WELL, I MAY JUST SIT IN MY LOCKED HOUSE WEARING A HELMET AND ELBOW PADS.
AND LEAVE YOUR KNEES UNPROTECTED?
MOMS SHOULD BE ON A NEED-TO-KNOW BASIS.
I VOTE WE HURT HIM INTO PASTIS, MS. PASTIS.

Hey, Rat. It's Goat. I want to text, but I have to drive, so I'm gonna switch to one of those voice-to-text apps.
Wann mow onc be gwis soren dihi macerdone forsc widucs hywanro
EITHER THAT TECHNOLOGY NEEDS HELP OR HE JUST BECAME WELSH.

GOAT, THIS IS DOCTOR DAN. HE'S A PART OF 'DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS'.
OH, YEAH, THAT GREAT GROUP THAT GOES TO WAR ZONES AND OTHER AREAS IN CRISIS AND PROVIDES MEDICAL CARE.
NO. WE'RE JUST DOCTORS WHO ARE SAD THAT THE BORDERS BOOKSTORE CHAIN SHUT DOWN.
THERE ARE OTHER BOOKSTORES.
IT'S NOT THE SAME.

HI, MOONSHINE MIKE, MADE ANY LIQUOR LATELY?
YEP. WITH MY HOME-MADE STILL. THE ONE THAT DOESN'T SHAKE OR MOVE AT ALL.
THE ONE YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD?
YEP. STILL THE STILL STILL.
YOU'RE STILL A PAIN IN MY @##.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
PUTTING DOWN HIS HORSE.
OH, MY GOD, NO! WHY?
YOU'RE FAT, YOU'RE DUMB, AND YOU'RE LAZY.
I THINK HE JUST LIKES PUTTING HIM DOWN.

Dear Pope, I would like to be named a saint.
You may ask why I should be considered for this high honor. And I'll tell you.
Because as a saint, I think I'd be less likely to punch idiots.
OH, GOOD.
UNLESS YOU THINK THERE IS ROOM FOR A PUNCHING SAINT.

HEY, STEPH, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE KEY TO WRITING A GOOD JOKE?
I THINK IT'S ALL IN HOW YOU FRAME IT.
NOPE. STILL STUPID.

DID YOU KNOW THAT MOST PEOPLE ARE SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN TO BE IDIOTS?
WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT?
HERE. ON THIS MESSAGE BOARD.
THAT'S JUST SOMEBODY'S OPINION.
YEAH, BUT IT CITES THIS BLOG.
BUT IS THE AUTHOR A SCIENTIST?
NO, BUT HE REFERENCES THIS ONLINE MAGAZINE.
ARE THEY SOME KIND OF EXPERTS?
NO, BUT THEY LINK TO WIKIPEDIA.
BUT ANYONE CAN ENTER STUFF ON WIKIPEDIA.
YEAH, BUT WHO'S GONNA GO ON WIKIPEDIA AND FALSELY CLAIM THAT PEOPLE ARE SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN TO BE IDIOTS?
I THINK I'LL DISCONNECT FROM ALL TECHNOLOGY.

HI, PROFESSOR PETE. ARE YOU STILL TEACHING TYPING AT THE HIGH SCHOOL?
NO. GOT BURNED OUT. SO I THOUGHT I'D TAKE A BREAK AND TRY TO WRITE THE NEXT GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL.
CAN I SEE WHAT YOU HAVE SO FAR?
The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.
THAT'S WHERE I GOT STUCK.

I THINK THE WAR ON DRUGS FAILED BECAUSE OF THE WHOLE "JUST SAY NO" CAMPAIGN.
BECAUSE IT WAS TOO SIMPLISTIC?
BECAUSE ALL THE DRUG DEALERS HAD TO DO WAS FRAME THE QUESTION RIGHT... HERE, WATCH... HEY YOU, DO YOU NOT WANT ANY DRUGS?
NO.
HA! THAT'S A YES! AND NOW YOU'RE HOOKED ON DRUGS!
I SHOULD REALLY BE DRUG CZAR.
NO.

THE CHURCH IS THINKING ABOUT CANONIZING THIS OLD WOMAN WHO HELPED THE POOR.
HOW SAD.
WHY IS THAT SAD?
THEY'RE SHOOTING HER OUT OF A CANNON.
LET'S START OVER.
SO MUCH FOR BEING KIND.

PIG DECIDED TO TAKE UP A SPORT.
WHAT FOR?
TO GET SOME CARDIOVASCULAR EXERCISE AND LOSE WEIGHT.
WELL, THAT’S GREAT. WHAT SPORT DID HE PICK?
AND I’M NOT EVEN BREATHING HARD.

Whuh you readin', son?
A BOOK ON NOMADIC CULTURE FOR MY ANTHROPOLOGY CLASS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT A NOMAD IS?
If you mom no see Larry come home drunk, she no mad.
MAYBE I SHOULD KEEP STUDYING.
You mom rarely no mad.

A GUY IN THE CAFE TODAY WAS ACTING IN A NOT COURTEOUS WAY.
PIG. WHEN YOU WANT TO SAY THE OPPOSITE OF A WORD LIKE 'COURTEOUS', YOU JUST PUT 'DIS' IN FRONT OF IT SO IT BECOMES 'DISCOURTEOUS.'
OKAY. LET ME TRY IT AGAIN... WAIT... WHAT WAS IT AGAIN?
CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER THE WORD?
I'M DISMEMBERING IT.
WELL NOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE AN INTERESTING CONVERSATION.
IT'S NOT.
THE OLDER I GET, THE MORE I DISMEMBER THINGS.