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RAT THE FEATURES EDITOR DROPS THE BRIDGE COLUMN
HE ASKED YOU NICE FOLKS HERE BECAUSE YOU SEEM TO BE THE MOST REASONABLE MEMBERS OF THE BRIDGE-LOVING COMMUNITY AND WE'D LIKE TO START A DIALOGUE.
GIVE US BACK OUR BRIDGE COLUMN OR WE'LL SHOOT YOU IN THE KNEE.
BRIDGE-LOVERS CAN BE VERY UNPLEASANT.

I hear you got a job as features editor of our paper.
Yep. And the first thing I did was get rid of the bridge column.
Who in the world still reads a bridge column??
Old people are fire bombing our front porch.
Perhaps I miscalculated.
Cool it with the Molotov cocktails, Grandma!!

I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN I HAVE AN ETHICAL DILEMMA.
AT TIMES LIKE THAT, I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT FOR PEOPLE TO JUST CONSULT THEIR OWN MORAL COMPASS.
MINE POINTS TO, 'DO IT IF IT FEELS GOOD.'
I FORGOT WHO I WAS TALKING TO.
THANKS, LITTLE COMPASS.

HEY, RAT, I GOT YOU A WHITMAN'S SAMPLER FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.
OH, DUDE, THAT'S LIKE THE BEST PRESENT EVER... I LOVE ALL THOSE DIFFERENT CHOCOLATES AND --
'I CELEBRATE MYSELF, AND SING MYSELF.'
IT'S A SAMPLER OF WALT WHITMAN POETRY.
AND THEN I BEAT HIM WITH MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT.

WELL, PIG. I OPENED MY OWN 'INN AND CAFE'. EVEN NAMED IT AFTER MYSELF. BUT MY BUSINESS IS A BIT UNUSUAL.
HOW SO, MR. SINGH?
WELL, I'M NORMALLY JUST A CAFE. BUT WHEN IT RAINS, THE BRIDGE JUST PAST US WASHES OUT AND PEOPLE GET STRANDED.
SO THEN WHAT?
SO THEN I DITCH THE CAFE AND CONVERT IT ALL TO JUST AN INN.
SO ALL THE STRANDED FOLKS HAVE SOMEWHERE TO STAY.
YEP.
WELL, I'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT TILL IT RAINS AND COME STAY AT THE 'SINGH INN AND CAFE'.
I'M 'SINGH INN' IN THE RAIN. JUST 'SINGH INN' IN THE RAIN.
IT'S NOT A GLORIOUS FEELING. AND I'M NOT HAPPY AGAIN.

MARY! I'M SO GLAD YOU AGREED TO HAVE COFFEE! I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE WE DATED TEN YEARS AGO.
I KNOW. ISN'T IT GREAT?
WE HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON NOW, DO WE?
NOPE.
ALWAYS KEEP THE PAST IN THE PAST.

...that all men are created equal.
Four score and seven years ago...
...nothing to fear but fear itself.
Illegal to punch journalists in the head. Sad!

MY DREAMS NEVER SEEM TO COME TRUE.

MAYBE YOU HAVE UNREALISTIC DREAMS.

WHAT'S A MORE REALISTIC DREAM?

DREAM OF BUTTERING YOUR TOAST.

DREAMS DO COME TRUE!!

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MOMENT.

WELL, PIG, I'M AFRAID YOU HAVE A FEW HEALTH PROBLEMS.
OH, NO. I DO?
YEAH. BUT DOES IT REALLY MATTER? THE WHOLE WORLD'S GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET AND WE'RE ALL QUITE SCREWED.
AND THEN HE GAVE ME A PACK OF SMOKES.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I GOT A JOB WRITING MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS. HERE. HAVE A LOOK.
In life, there are no limitations.
Except stupidity. If you're stupid, you're screwed.
I DON'T WANT TO GET PEOPLES' HOPES UP.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I GOT A JOB WRITING INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS. HERE, HAVE A LOOK.
IN LIFE, DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF.
AND IT'S ALL SMALL STUFF.
EXCEPT FOR THE BIG STUFF, LIKE DEATH AND DISEASE, BECAUSE THOSE THINGS ARE SERIOUS, AND YOU'D BE A FOOL NOT TO WORRY ABOUT THEM.
I TRY TO BE REALISTIC.

Hello?
No, no... Don't scrunch up your little face and cry.
You're gonna be oooookayyyy!
Look. I'll make funny faces.
There there. Turn that frown upside-down.
Heey... is that a smile I see?
It wasn't like a maternity ward.

HEY, PIG, THIS IS MY FRIEND, TOM... HE'S THAT AUTHOR I LIKE TO READ.
OH, YEAH. I PICKED UP YOUR BOOK THE OTHER DAY.
YOU DID?
YEAH. THEN I PUT IT BACK DOWN 'CAUSE I WAS FINISHED DUSTING.
DO ALL AUTHORS CRY THAT EASILY?

I WANT TO GO TO SAVANNAH, GEORGIA. THEY HAVE AN OPEN CONTAINER LAW THERE.
WOW. REALLY?
YEAH. WHY?
SO IF I WANTED TO WALK AROUND WITH AN OPEN JAR OF MAYONNAISE, NOBODY COULD STOP ME?
NOT WHY MOST PEOPLE GO.
CAN'T TOUCH ME, COPPERS.

HEY, GOAT. PIGITA AND I WERE WONDERING IF WE COULD USE YOUR PLACE BY THE BEACH.
YEAH, BUT IF YOU GO TO SOME OF THE BEACHES, YOU NEED TO HOSE YOURSELF OFF BEFORE GOING BACK INSIDE.
I GUESS I CAN REMEMBER THAT IF I THINK REAL HARD.
IT'S EASY. GO TO SOME BEACHES, USE THE HOSE. GO TO SOME BEACHES, USE THE HOSE.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?
SOME BEACHES AND HOSE.
MUST YOUR PUNS HURT SO MUCH?
YES.

HEY, JEF THE CYCLIST. THANKS FOR COMING TO OUR BARBECUE...WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO EAT...RIBS? BURGERS?
DO YOU HAVE ANY LOW GLYCEMIC CARBS?
THIS IS WHY CYCLISTS HAVE NO FRIENDS, JEF.
FINE. GET ME TWELVE TO FOURTEEN ALMONDS.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, I'VE HAD GOOD CREDIT ALL MY LIFE. PAID MY CREDIT CARDS, MY MORTGAGE, BUT FOR SOME REASON, MY CREDIT SCORE IS LOW, SO MY FRIEND SAID I SHOULD COME AND ASK WHY.
EIGHTH GRADE. HUNTINGTON MIDDLE SCHOOL. YOU BORROWED SIXTY CENTS FROM ERIC VAN WAGENEN FOR TATER TOTS. NEVER PAID IT BACK.
THEY'RE RATHER THOROUGH.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
I NEED TO GET A CAR LOAN, SO I WANTED TO SEE MY CREDIT SCORE.
OH, YEAH? WHAT'S IT SAY?
'OH, HELL, NO.'
I THINK THAT'S LOW.

WHATCHA READING, GOAT?
THIS BOOK ON DRUG ADDICTION IN THE 1970S. IT WAS SO WIDESPREAD.
WHAT DO THEY MEAN BY ADDICTION?
WELL, THE DRUG BECOMES THE FOCUS OF YOUR LIFE. YOU CAN'T STOP. AND YOU SLOWLY WITHDRAW FROM THE PEOPLE CLOSEST TO YOU.
WHOA. THAT'S NUTS. I CAN'T SEE THAT HAPPENING TO OUR GENERATION.
YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT HAPPENING?
NOTHING.
UH HUH. RIGHT.

HEY, STEPH. WHAT'S THAT STREET THAT THE RUSSIAN RIVER BREWERY IS ON?
OH, YEAH. I GO THERE EVERY DAY. IT'S ON...
GOSH, I CAN'T BELIEVE I CAN'T THINK OF IT. GUESS I'M HAVING A BIT OF A MENTAL BLOCK.
YOURS ARE MORE LIKE MENTAL BLOCKADES, WITH GIANT BATTLESHIPS FIRING THEIR GUNS AND PREVENTING ANY WORDS FROM ENTERING YOUR TINY BRAIN HARBOR.
I DON'T NEED YOUR METAPHORS.
OH, NO. YOUR WORD BOAT IS SINKING. MAYDAY! MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

HOW COME YOU'RE ALWAYS ON TIME FOR EVERYTHING?
BECAUSE WHENEVER I AGREE TO MEET SOMEONE, I ALWAYS SHOW UP 15 MINUTES EARLY.
HOW MANY TIMES A DAY WOULD YOU SAY YOU MEET SOMEONE?
MAYBE THREE TIMES.
OVER A LIFETIME, THAT'S 20805 HOURS YOU COULD HAVE SPENT DRINKING BEER.
I DON'T DRINK BEER.
YOU SHOULD REALLY START.

I'VE CONCLUDED THAT THE FAT ON MY BELLY IS A LOT LIKE THE MOB.
HOW SO?
I CAN TRY TO LOSE IT, BUT IT ALWAYS FINDS ME AGAIN.
FAT IS RUTHLESS THAT WAY.
MAYBE I'LL TRICK IT BY JOINING A WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM.

I WAS WATCHING T.V. AND SOME TELEVANGELIST SAID 'GIVE NOT THAT WHICH IS HOLY UNTO THE DOGS, NEITHER CAST YE YOUR PEARLS BEFORE SWINE.'
YEAH, IT'S FROM THE BIBLE.
SO SOMEONE INFRINGED OUR COPYRIGHT?
I'M PRETTY SURE THE BIBLE CAME FIRST.
OH, GOOD, 'CAUSE MY LAWYER WASN'T SURE WHO TO SUE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
WRITING DOWN MY HOPES AND DREAMS. MY THERAPIST SAYS THAT IF I WRITE THEM DOWN, THEY'RE MORE LIKELY TO HAPPEN.
LET ME SEE WHAT YOU HAVE SO FAR.
Eat more cheese.
I'M NOT AS AMBITIOUS AS I COULD BE.

DUDE, WHAT'S THAT
THING?
IT'S A BASKETBALL. WANT
TO PLAY?
THAT THING'S LIKE TEN
TIMES AS LARGE AS A
BASKETBALL.
YEAH, BUT I HAD TO DRAW
THIS STRIP ON THE ROAD IN
A HOTEL ROOM AND I DIDN'T
HAVE MY STENCIL, SO THE
BEST I COULD DO WAS DRAW
A CIRCLE AROUND A COFFEE
CUP.
THIS STRIP IS
A SHAMEFUL
DISASTER.
OH, LOOK, THE SUN IS
BEAUTIFUL TODAY.