Pearls Before Swine | Search

ELLY ELEPHANT WROTE IN HER DIARY.
dear diary,
i want a
boyfriend.
one I can go
out with once
a week.
who is quiet but
impactful.
solid but fun.
who supports
nothing but
never chastises.
and above all,
gives me space.
almost like i can
just take him out
when i want and
put him away
when i don’t.
ELLY ELEPHANT REALIZED
SHE HAD JUST DESCRIBED
A BOWLING BALL.
elly lived happily
ever after.

HEY, RAT, THIS IS MY PAL, PETEY THE PERMANENTLY OFFENDED GUY.
WHAT'S HE YELLING ABOUT?
OH. I'M NOT YELLING. IT'S JUST THAT IF YOU SPEND YOUR WHOLE LIFE GETTING OFFENDED YOUR FACE AND ARM EVENTUALLY FREEZE LIKE THIS.
WHAT A JOY YOU MUST BE AT PARTIES.
OKAY, NOW I'M OFFENDED!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
RAT SAYS MY PRONUNCIATION OF WORDS IS OFF. SO HE GAVE ME SOME WORDS TO PRACTICE.
WELL, THAT WAS NICE OF HIM. WHAT WORDS DID HE GIVE YOU TO PRACTICE?
- EYE
- YAM
- FLAT
- CHEW
- LEANT
SO MATURE.
HEY, WHERE IS EVERYONE GOING?

HEY, RAT, MY
FRIEND THE
TURKEY IS ON THE
PHONE.
THE ONE
WHO MOVED
TO THE ARCTIC?
YEAH, HIS FEATHERS DON'T KEEP
HIM WARM AT ALL. ANYWAYS,
HE HEARD YOU GAVE UP BEER
AND WANTED TO KNOW IF IT WAS
GRADUAL OR ALL OF A SUDDEN.
SUDDEN.
COLD TURKEY,
COLD TURKEY.
YOU MAKE ME WANT TO
DRINK AGAIN.

HEY, RAT, THERE'S SOMEONE AT THE DOOR ASKING IF YOU RECENTLY GAVE UP BEER.
YEAH. IT MAKES ME BLOATED AND FAT AND I JUST DIDN'T WANT IT IN MY LIFE ANYMORE. WHY?
BECAUSE SOME OF US HAVE FEELINGS, BRO!
BEER IS MORE SENSITIVE THAN YOU'D THINK.
THOUGHT WE WERE TIGHT, MAN!!

You're born.
Waaah
You get, on average, 77 years to live.
Until you buy the great dirt farm.
Today, you moved one step closer to the dirt farm.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
I've gotten better birthday cards.
Sure. But mine are realistic.

I'M SO OLD I CAN REMEMBER A WORLD WITH ONLY SEVEN T.V. CHANNELS.
I'M SO OLD I CAN REMEMBER WHEN WE USED TO PARADE WOMEN AROUND IN PAGEANTS WHERE WE JUDGED THEM BASED ON THEIR LOOKS.
I THINK THAT'S STILL HAPPENING.
WHOA.
WAIT.
WHAT YEAR IS THIS?

I MUST GET TO SHELTER!
And racing as fast as he could, Jojo just made it into a castle.
Welcome to the Castle O' Personal Success, said the court jester. Here, you forget your problems.
So Jojo lived in the castle for many years and partook of all it had to offer.
Until one day he went outside to get some sun and take a break from the debauchery. AHHHH--
And ran into the Dragon O' Personal Problems.
I'M STILL HERE!
Jojo was swallowed whole.
I'M GUESSING THERE'S A LESSON HERE.
NEVER STOP THE DEBAUCHERY.
And sunshine's BAD.

HI, NEIGHBOR NANCY. HAVEN'T SEEN YOU AT THE CAFE LATELY, SO WE THOUGHT WE'D COME VISIT YOU AT YOUR OFFICE.
YEAH, I'VE BEEN CRAZY BUSY HERE.
WOW. PLUS YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND HAVE YOUR HANDS FULL WITH THREE YOUNG KIDS AT HOME.
YEAH. LOVE THOSE LITTLE GUYS.
YOU'RE STAYING HERE TO AVOID THEM.
THE LITTLE MONSTERS DRIVE ME NUTS!

HI, NEIGHBOR BOB, HOW ARE YOU AND YOUR WIFE DOING?
NOT GOOD. WE HAVE A NEW CANADIAN NEIGHBOR AND I THINK MY WIFE IS SECRETLY SPENDING TIME WITH HIM...
OH, PLEASE! JUST BECAUSE I SAID HE'S MY FAVOURITE NEIGHBOUR AND THAT I LIKE THE COLOUR OF HIS HOUSE??!! WILL SOMEONE PLEASE COME TO THE DEFENSE OF MY HONOUR?!
OH, PLEASE, JUST BECAUSE I SAID HE'S MY FAVOURITE NEIGHBOR AND THAT I LIKE THE COLOR OF HIS HOUSE??!! WILL SOMEONE PLEASE COME TO THE DEFENSE OF MY HONOR?!
CANADIAN SPELLING. PLAIN AS DAY.
I DON'T GET THE HUMOUR OF THIS STRIP.

SOMETIMES I THINK WE SHOULD USE THE PLATFORM WE HAVE WITH THIS COMIC STRIP TO CHANGE THINGS AND PROMOTE IMPORTANT CAUSES.
YEAH. I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.
ATTENTION, JELLY BEAN MANUFACTURERS... NO ONE EATS THE WHITE ONES!!
NOT WHAT I HAD IN MIND.
MORE RED INSTEAD!! MORE RED INSTEAD!!

WHERE SHOULD WE GO TO EAT TONIGHT?
THIS HAMBURGER PLACE. THEY HAVE THE 'LEGENDARY' DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER.
SO?
SO IF IT'S LEGENDARY, IT'S OBVIOUSLY GREAT.
PIG. ANYONE CAN WRITE 'LEGENDARY' IN FRONT OF ANYTHING. IT'S NOT LIKE IT HAS TO BE VERIFIED.
THE LEGENDARY PIG FINDS THAT INTERESTING.

HEY, GOAT, COME OVER TO MY HOUSE. I'M HAVING A HUGE PARTY! WE'RE GONNA GET BLITZED.
OH, TERRIFIC. WHAT'S THE OCCASION?
TUESDAY!
ONE OF US IS LIVING LIFE WRONG.

I'VE BEEN TAKING LONG WALKS FOR MONTHS AND I'M NOT LOSING ANY WEIGHT. SO I'M THINKING ABOUT QUITTING AND JUST SITTING AROUND ON MY BUTT. BUT I'M NOT SURE IF I SHOULD DO THAT.
JUST DO IT.
THANK YOU, NIKE.

DING DONG
DING DONG
HANG ON..
HANG ON..
I'M COMING
HI.. I'M ROBBY.
I'M NEIGHBOR BOB'S KID.
ROBBY, YOU'VE GROWN UP SO MUCH I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU.
YEAH, AND NOW
I'M GRADUATING
COLLEGE.
OH MY GOODNESS,
HOW EXCITING!
YOU'VE GOTTEN
ALL THAT EDUCATION!
ALL THAT
KNOWLEDGE!
ALL THAT WISDOM!
AND NOW YOU'RE
GRADUATING!
YEAH, THAT'S
WHY I'M
HERE ACTUALLY.
TO INVITE ME TO
THE GRADUATION?
TO BEG. I'M $350,000 IN DEBT.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
COLLEGE AND
DEBTORS PRISON?
PRISON HAS FREE FOOD.
HEY, LOOK! NOW HE'S CLEANING
WINDSHIELDS AT THE STOPLIGHT.

HEY, GOAT, WHAT KIND OF SAUCE
DO YOU WANT ON YOUR PASTA...
TOMATO, ALFREDO OR PESTO?
YOU'LL HAVE PESTO.
WE HAVE A RATHER AGGRESSIVE
HOMEOWNERS ASSOCIATION.

I WROTE OUT A LIST OF ALL MY GOALS, BUT I NEVER ACHIEVE ANY OF THEM.
LET ME SEE. I THINK I CAN HELP.
Lose weight NO
Paint house NO
Save money NO
Scribble Scribble Scribble
Fail a lot

YOU SEEM A LOT CALMER LATELY, RAT... NOT NEARLY SO ANGRY... HOW DO YOU DO IT?
WELL, WHEN I GET UP IN THE MORNING, I TAKE A FEW MINUTES JUST FOR MYSELF.
I SEE. TO BREATHE DEEPLY? MEDITATE?
TO SLEDGEHAMMER THE $%@# OUT OF A ROCK.
NOT QUITE MEDITATION.
WE'RE LIVING IN SLEDGEHAMMER TIMES.

HEY, GOAT, RAT AND I WERE WONDERING... WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO SUCCEED IN LIFE? IS IT LUCK? TIMING?
YOU KNOW, PIG, IT REALLY JUST COMES DOWN TO A WILLINGNESS TO WORK HARDER THAN OTHERS.
WE'RE SCREWED.

AND THIS ROOM HERE IS THE LIVING ROOM.
LIVING ROOM? WHAT’S A LIVING ROOM?
IT’S MORE OF A FANCY ROOM FOR WHEN YOU WANT TO FORMALLY ENTERTAIN GUESTS.
AH. HOW USEFUL.
IF IT WAS 1890!
MAYBE THIS HOUSE ISN'T FOR YOU.
SERIOUSLY, COULD IT BE MADE INTO A SPORTS BAR?

Dear Pigita,
You are the light
of my life. The wind
beneath my wings.
The reason for my
existence.
YOU DUMB PIG. GIRL-
FRIENDS DON'T WANT
TRITE PHRASES. THEY WANT
YOU TO TALK FROM THE
HEART. USE YOUR OWN
WORDS.
You are
better
than
tacos.
GO
WITH
TRITE
PHRASES.
ACTUALLY,
TACOS
MIGHT
WIN.

HEY, MY NAME'S GREED MONSTER.
MINE TOO.
MINE TOO, TOO.
GREED MONSTER HERE! TAKE EVERYTHING.
BUT LOOK AT YOU! WE HAVE ENOUGH ALREADY. NO CARE. WANT MORE!
ME! YOU MUST DO SOME SPECIAL-INTEREST CONGRESS STUFF!
I WILL HELP!
BUT YOU SAID "HELP"
I DIDN'T SAY WHO!!
YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T MIX BEDTIME STORIES WITH REALITY.
WHAT CAN I HELP YOU GUYS WITH??
HAHAHA... THEY TRUSTED THEIR REPRESENTATIVE...

HEY, RAT... THIS IS MY FRIEND, SAL. HE'S VERY ACTIVE IN THE COMMUNITY.
OH, YEAH? WHICH COMMUNITY?
THE LGBTQRS TUVWXY AND Z. NOW I KNOW MY A-B-C-S. TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF ME'S COMMUNITY.
TOO MANY LETTERS.
WE DON'T THINK MUCH OF YOU.
I'M TRYING TO BE INCLUSIVE!

OUR HOMEOWNERS ASSOCIATION IS TOO INTRUSIVE. WHO ARE THEY TO TELL ME WHAT COLOR MY MAILBOX SHOULD BE
THEY'RE NOT INTRUSIVE. THEY JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO BE THE BEST IT CAN BE.
IS THAT THE MOST EDUCATIONAL PROGRAM YOU COULD FIND?
WE SHOULD CLOSE THE DRAPES.

HI. CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, I'M HARRY FROM THE HOME-OWNERS ASSOCIATION. NOW THIS IS ONLY A FIRST WARNING, BUT YOUR TAN MALLOY IS TWO SHADES TOO DARK. YOU NEED TO FIX THAT BEFORE YOU GET A SECOND WARNING.
WHAT HAPPENS IF WE GET A SECOND WARNING ?
WE PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.
WE SHOULD RE-READ OUR BY-LAWS.