Pearls Before Swine | Search

Burt had a realization.
I am unhappy.
So he played the lottery every day for 10 years.
Until one day...
I won!! I won!!
So he went out and bought a fleet of cars.
And a giant boat.
And a huge house.
Where he had a realization.
I’m still unhappy.
Burt spent the rest of his life yelling at his money.
MAKE ME. HAPPY
There’s a lesson here somewhere.
Probably needs a bigger house.
JUST BUY MORE CHEESE!!

WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU GUYS GOING?
DOWNTOWN. SOME SERIOUS G@*$& IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN.
YEAH. SOME KIND OF BATTLE.
IT'S A BATTLE OF THE BANDS.
NOW I FEEL OVERDRESSED.
I VOTE WE BLOW UP AN ACCORDION.

HELLO. TO TRY AND START RELAXING MORE, I SIGNED UP FOR MY FIRST TRANSCENDENTAL MEDITATION CLASS. I JUST PAID FOR MY MANTRA.
YOU HAD TO PAY FOR A MANTRA? WHAT IS IT?
We screwed you good.
THAT'S NOT THAT RELAXING.

HEY, GOAT, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
I'M ORGANIZING A PLEDGE DRIVE... OH, I'M SORRY, PIG... DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
FIRST STOP... LAND O' THE DUSTY TABLES!
NO.
ALL THAT AND LEMONY FRESHNESS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I HAD TO TURN IN MY SMARTPHONE SO THEY COULD INSTALL A NEW BATTERY.
SO?
SO NOW I’M WITHOUT IT FOR TWO HOURS. AND I'M HELPLESS.
AND NOW I'M DYING.
I THINK WE'VE BECOME TOO DEPENDENT ON OUR SMARTPHONES.
MAMA, I'M COMING HOME.

I HAVE SO MUCH ANXIETY THESE DAYS. IT'S WORSE THAN IT'S EVER BEEN. I WONDER HOW OTHER PEOPLE COPE WITH WHAT'S GOING ON.
CONE OF IGNORANT BLISS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING PIG?
I JUST GOT THIS TREAD-
MILL AND I'M DOING MY
NEW TRAINING REGIMEN.
YOU'RE JUST STARING AT IT.
IT'S GOOD TO START SLOW.

HEY, STEPH, HOW COME THE CROCS HAVEN'T BEEN IN THE STRIP AS MUCH?
OH, YOU DIDN'T HEAR?
HULLOO STRIPEY.
THE 'S' WORD? WHOA WHOA WHOA. STOP THE STRIP. THAT TERM IS NOT USED ANYMORE.
WHUH?
WHUH GOING ON?
C'MON NOW... OUT OF THE STRIP YOU'RE BOTH FIRED.
BOO HISS BOOO
WHO DIS GUY? SOCIAL OSTRACISM BECAUSE YOU SAID THE WRONG WORD.
BUT HOW WE KNOW WORD CHANGE!
TOO BAD. YOU ARE NOW REPLACED.
HI, BARRY THE CROC.
HELLO. I AM MAGENTIC STRIPE OF PERSUATION.
IT'S QUITE A MOUTHFUL.
SHHH... YOU ANGER NEW SPEECH POLICE.
I'M TIRED OF SENSITIVITY TRAINING!!

WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS TO YOU WHEN YOU DIE?
YOUR HEART STOPS AND YOU STOP BREATHING.
THIS HAS BEEN AN ENLIGHTENING DISCUSSION.

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS "TINY HOUSE" MOVEMENT?
NO. WHAT IS IT?
WITH REAL ESTATE BEING SO EXPENSIVE NOW, PEOPLE ARE LIVING IN REALLY SMALL STRUCTURES THAT ARE MORE AFFORDABLE.
HOW SMALL IS SMALL?
I DREAD THE ARRIVAL OF THE PHONE BOOK.

HEY, RAT, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT PEOPLE COMING TO OUR FRONT DOOR TRYING TO SELL US STUFF.
YEAH. IT'S WHY WE REMODELED THE ENTRYWAY.
YEAH, BUT WHEN I ANSWER THE DOOR NOW, IT FEELS WEIRD.
WHAT'S THERE TO FEEL WEIRD ABOUT?
WE DON'T WANT ANY.

GOAHEAD. PICK A NUMBER. MAYBE YOU'LL WIN.
Okay, I'll take number 4.
NOPE. Number 15. SORRY.
GO AHEAD. PICK A CHOCOLATE. WHAT ARE THE ODDS YOU'LL GET THE COCONUT?
Okay, I'll take that one.
GYAHH! COCONUT!!!
AND THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW LIFE'S NOT FAIR.
COCONUT RUINS EVERYTHING!

OH, WOW. A BIRD FLEW ONTO MY LIGHT FIXTURE!
YES! BEHOLD! I AM THE BIRD OF BAD FORTUNE AHEAD.
OH MY GOODNESS! WHAT IS IT? MY HEALTH? AN ACCIDENT? MY DEATH?
SPLAT
THAT'S IT FOR NOW.

HEY, PIG, YOU BOUGHT A TREADMILL! THAT'S TERRIFIC!
YEP. AND IT'S GUARANTEED TO NEVER BREAK.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
I'LL NEVER USE IT.
BRILLIANT.
THOUGH I SUPPOSE I COULD BREAK SOMETHING DUSTING IT.

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THIS IS MY DOCTOR. HE'S TRYING TO LEARN WHAT NOUNS AND VERBS ARE.
YEAH. NEVER HAD MY STRONG SUIT IN SCHOOL.
HERE, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT... I'LL WRITE SOME SENTENCES WITH THIS PEN AND YOU TAKE A LOOK AT THEM.
The ewe ate grass.
The man was angry.
The dog barked.
WHAT'S WRONG?
I'M CONFUSED ALREADY.
I MEAN FIRST OFF, DO YOU WANT ME TO USE THE CRAYON ON ALL THESE? AND WHAT TYPE OF WORD IS 'EWE?'
'EWE' AIN'T NOTHING BUT A NOUN, DOC. CRAYON ALL THE TIME.
OKAY, SO NOW WHAT DO I DO?
TAKE THIS RED CRAYON AND IN EACH OF THE SENTENCES, I WANT YOU TO CIRCLE ALL OF THE NOUNS.
DON'T BE CRUEL.

Agricultural Studies Exam
Question 1:
Why do farmers place loud bells on their cows?
To prevent them from killing us in our sleep.
HOPE THEY'RE ALL THAT EASY.

STUPID FRENCH IMMIGRANTS ARE RUINING OUR COUNTRY! IT'S RIGHT HERE ON FACEBOOK!
PIG, THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE THAT'S ONE OF THOSE BOT ACCOUNTS.
WHAT'S THAT?
PEOPLE PAID TO POST INFLAMMATORY STUFF ON OUR SOCIAL MEDIA AND EXPLOIT HOW DIVIDED WE ALL ARE.
WHAT KIND OF GUY WOULD TAKE A JOB LIKE THAT?
AND THE FRENCHIES EAT ALL OUR BAGUETTES!!

HEYA PIG... I GOT OUR BURGERS AND FRIES. HOPE YOU DIDN'T MIND. BUT I ATE A COUPLE FRIES ON THE DRIVE.
A COUPLE? THAT ONE IS EMPTY.
YEAH. THAT ONE'S YOURS.
WELL, SINCE YOU ATE IT, WHY DON'T WE SAY IT WAS YOURS?
BECAUSE ON THE DRIVE, I WAS VERY CAREFUL TO DELINEATE THAT ONE AS YOURS.
SOMETHING SEEMS CORRUPT HERE.
DRIVER PRIVILEGES. WELL-ESTABLISHED FIELD OF LAW.

I JUST WENT THROUGH OUR BANK STATEMENTS AND IT APPEARS WE OWE A LOT OF PEOPLE A LOT OF MONEY.
OH, NO. WHAT DO WE DO?
WELL, I DID SOME CALCULATIONS, AND FORTUNATELY, IT LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE SOME OPTIONS.
1) ROB BANKS.
2) FLEE COUNTRY.
AT LEAST WE'RE NOT DESPERATE.
AND FLEEING COULD BE NICE THIS TIME OF YEAR.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, GOAT?
LOOKS LIKE A THANK YOU NOTE FROM RAT FOR THE BIRTHDAY GIFT I GAVE HIM.
WOW. HE'S NOT USUALLY THAT CONSIDERATE. WHAT'S IT SAY?
Dear Giver, Thank you for the ______ thing.
NEVER MIND.
AT LEAST HE HAND-WROTE 'THING'.

HEY, GOAT. I HEAR YOU'RE TAKING TRANSCENDENTAL MEDITATION.
YEAH. IT'S A VERY SPIRITUAL AND RELAXING WAY TO GET RID OF YOUR STRESS AND ANGER.
THAT'S WHAT DRIVING IS FOR.
OH.
THAT'S SO MUCH CHEAPER.
NO.
YEAH.
JUST TAILGATE AND HONK THE HORN.

WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO, ZEBRA
TO PAY MY RESPECTS TO MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT... A GUY WHO DOESN'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT...
HE'S NOT RESPECTED
WELL, I RESPECT HIM. THOUGH THERE ARE DIFFERING OPINIONS ABOUT HIM.
WELL THAT SOUNDS INTERESTING. MAYBE I'LL JUST COME ALONG AND--
BOOOO
HOW COULD YOU
SHUT UP, JUDY
YOU SHUT UP, BILL
WHY ARE READERS SO ANGRY
I HAVE NO IDEA.
THIS IS A VERY DIVIDED COUNTRY.
NEVER MIND
I STILL HATE YOUR PUNS.

IS SUCKING AN INNATE INSTINCT?
YEP. WE'RE BORN WITH IT. WHY?
JUST WONDERING WHY STEPHAN'S SO BAD AT CARTOONING.
DID YOU WORK ALL WEEK ON THAT?
NO. MY HUMOR'S INNATE.

HEY, RAT, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WALLET?
YEAH. I STOLE IT.
WHAT?
DON'T GET MAD. I HAVE A DISORDER.
WHAT DISORDER?
"I CAN'T STOP GRAKSFF UP SYNDROME."
THAT SEEMS MADE UP.
PLEASE DON'T DELEGITIMIZE MY SUFFERING.

HEY, PIG, WHY ARE YOU SITTING ON OUR ROOMBA VACUUM?
BECAUSE LIFE IS TOO STRESSFUL, SO I'M GONNA RIDE IT SOME- WHERE FAR AWAY FROM ALL MY PROBLEMS LIKE MAYBE ROME.
BUT ROOMBAS MOVE ON THE GROUND. AND THERE'S A BIG OCEAN BETWEEN HERE AND THERE.
NEVER DOUBT A ROOMBA.