Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I GOT A JOB WRITING MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS. HERE. HAVE A LOOK.
In life, there are no limitations.
Except stupidity. If you're stupid, you're screwed.
I DON'T WANT TO GET PEOPLES' HOPES UP.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I GOT A JOB WRITING INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS. HERE, HAVE A LOOK.
IN LIFE, DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF.
AND IT'S ALL SMALL STUFF.
EXCEPT FOR THE BIG STUFF, LIKE DEATH AND DISEASE, BECAUSE THOSE THINGS ARE SERIOUS, AND YOU'D BE A FOOL NOT TO WORRY ABOUT THEM.
I TRY TO BE REALISTIC.

Hello?
No, no... Don't scrunch up your little face and cry.
You're gonna be oooookayyyy!
Look. I'll make funny faces.
There there. Turn that frown upside-down.
Heey... is that a smile I see?
It wasn't like a maternity ward.

HEY, PIG, THIS IS MY FRIEND, TOM... HE'S THAT AUTHOR I LIKE TO READ.
OH, YEAH. I PICKED UP YOUR BOOK THE OTHER DAY.
YOU DID?
YEAH. THEN I PUT IT BACK DOWN 'CAUSE I WAS FINISHED DUSTING.
DO ALL AUTHORS CRY THAT EASILY?

I WANT TO GO TO SAVANNAH, GEORGIA. THEY HAVE AN OPEN CONTAINER LAW THERE.
WOW. REALLY?
YEAH. WHY?
SO IF I WANTED TO WALK AROUND WITH AN OPEN JAR OF MAYONNAISE, NOBODY COULD STOP ME?
NOT WHY MOST PEOPLE GO.
CAN'T TOUCH ME, COPPERS.

HEY, GOAT. PIGITA AND I WERE WONDERING IF WE COULD USE YOUR PLACE BY THE BEACH.
YEAH, BUT IF YOU GO TO SOME OF THE BEACHES, YOU NEED TO HOSE YOURSELF OFF BEFORE GOING BACK INSIDE.
I GUESS I CAN REMEMBER THAT IF I THINK REAL HARD.
IT'S EASY. GO TO SOME BEACHES, USE THE HOSE. GO TO SOME BEACHES, USE THE HOSE.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?
SOME BEACHES AND HOSE.
MUST YOUR PUNS HURT SO MUCH?
YES.

HEY, JEF THE CYCLIST. THANKS FOR COMING TO OUR BARBECUE...WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO EAT...RIBS? BURGERS?
DO YOU HAVE ANY LOW GLYCEMIC CARBS?
THIS IS WHY CYCLISTS HAVE NO FRIENDS, JEF.
FINE. GET ME TWELVE TO FOURTEEN ALMONDS.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, I'VE HAD GOOD CREDIT ALL MY LIFE. PAID MY CREDIT CARDS, MY MORTGAGE, BUT FOR SOME REASON, MY CREDIT SCORE IS LOW, SO MY FRIEND SAID I SHOULD COME AND ASK WHY.
EIGHTH GRADE. HUNTINGTON MIDDLE SCHOOL. YOU BORROWED SIXTY CENTS FROM ERIC VAN WAGENEN FOR TATER TOTS. NEVER PAID IT BACK.
THEY'RE RATHER THOROUGH.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
I NEED TO GET A CAR LOAN, SO I WANTED TO SEE MY CREDIT SCORE.
OH, YEAH? WHAT'S IT SAY?
'OH, HELL, NO.'
I THINK THAT'S LOW.

WHATCHA READING, GOAT?
THIS BOOK ON DRUG ADDICTION IN THE 1970S. IT WAS SO WIDESPREAD.
WHAT DO THEY MEAN BY ADDICTION?
WELL, THE DRUG BECOMES THE FOCUS OF YOUR LIFE. YOU CAN'T STOP. AND YOU SLOWLY WITHDRAW FROM THE PEOPLE CLOSEST TO YOU.
WHOA. THAT'S NUTS. I CAN'T SEE THAT HAPPENING TO OUR GENERATION.
YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT HAPPENING?
NOTHING.
UH HUH. RIGHT.

HEY, STEPH. WHAT'S THAT STREET THAT THE RUSSIAN RIVER BREWERY IS ON?
OH, YEAH. I GO THERE EVERY DAY. IT'S ON...
GOSH, I CAN'T BELIEVE I CAN'T THINK OF IT. GUESS I'M HAVING A BIT OF A MENTAL BLOCK.
YOURS ARE MORE LIKE MENTAL BLOCKADES, WITH GIANT BATTLESHIPS FIRING THEIR GUNS AND PREVENTING ANY WORDS FROM ENTERING YOUR TINY BRAIN HARBOR.
I DON'T NEED YOUR METAPHORS.
OH, NO. YOUR WORD BOAT IS SINKING. MAYDAY! MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

HOW COME YOU'RE ALWAYS ON TIME FOR EVERYTHING?
BECAUSE WHENEVER I AGREE TO MEET SOMEONE, I ALWAYS SHOW UP 15 MINUTES EARLY.
HOW MANY TIMES A DAY WOULD YOU SAY YOU MEET SOMEONE?
MAYBE THREE TIMES.
OVER A LIFETIME, THAT'S 20805 HOURS YOU COULD HAVE SPENT DRINKING BEER.
I DON'T DRINK BEER.
YOU SHOULD REALLY START.

I'VE CONCLUDED THAT THE FAT ON MY BELLY IS A LOT LIKE THE MOB.
HOW SO?
I CAN TRY TO LOSE IT, BUT IT ALWAYS FINDS ME AGAIN.
FAT IS RUTHLESS THAT WAY.
MAYBE I'LL TRICK IT BY JOINING A WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM.

I WAS WATCHING T.V. AND SOME TELEVANGELIST SAID 'GIVE NOT THAT WHICH IS HOLY UNTO THE DOGS, NEITHER CAST YE YOUR PEARLS BEFORE SWINE.'
YEAH, IT'S FROM THE BIBLE.
SO SOMEONE INFRINGED OUR COPYRIGHT?
I'M PRETTY SURE THE BIBLE CAME FIRST.
OH, GOOD, 'CAUSE MY LAWYER WASN'T SURE WHO TO SUE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
WRITING DOWN MY HOPES AND DREAMS. MY THERAPIST SAYS THAT IF I WRITE THEM DOWN, THEY'RE MORE LIKELY TO HAPPEN.
LET ME SEE WHAT YOU HAVE SO FAR.
Eat more cheese.
I'M NOT AS AMBITIOUS AS I COULD BE.

DUDE, WHAT'S THAT
THING?
IT'S A BASKETBALL. WANT
TO PLAY?
THAT THING'S LIKE TEN
TIMES AS LARGE AS A
BASKETBALL.
YEAH, BUT I HAD TO DRAW
THIS STRIP ON THE ROAD IN
A HOTEL ROOM AND I DIDN'T
HAVE MY STENCIL, SO THE
BEST I COULD DO WAS DRAW
A CIRCLE AROUND A COFFEE
CUP.
THIS STRIP IS
A SHAMEFUL
DISASTER.
OH, LOOK, THE SUN IS
BEAUTIFUL TODAY.

HEY, GOAT, I HEAR YOU'RE GOING TO NICE, FRANCE TO SEE YOUR SISTER'S DAUGH-TER. I HEAR IT'S NECEE.
IT'S PRO-NOUNCED 'NEECE.'
OH, SORRY. I HEAR IT'S NEECE.
YOU MEAN NICE.
YES. NICE IS NEECE.
'NEECE' IS NICE.
OHHHH, I GET IT.
YOU DO?
YES, YOUR NIECE IN NICE IS NEECE.
ARGGGHHH YOU STUPID @*&%!!!
THAT WASN'T NEECE.

I'M BORED. I NEED TO START USING ALL THIS POWER.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND, SIR? JOBS? CLIMATE CHANGE?
RUNNING AROUND HITTING PEOPLE WITH A STICK.
I'M NOT SURE THAT'S WISE, SIR.
DON'T TELL ME I BECAME PRESIDENT FOR NOTHING.

I WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN PEOPLES LIVES.
THAT'S GREAT. I THINK THE MEASURE OF ONE'S LIFE IS THE POSITIVE DIFFERENCE ONE MAKES.
WHO SAID IT'D BE POSITIVE?
NEVER MIND.
A DIFFERENCE IS A DIFFERENCE.

HEY, PIG... RAT SAYS YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR THREE DAYS TO AVOID EVERYTHING HAPPENING IN THE WORLD. THAT'S NOT RIGHT... WHAT DO YOU THINK A BED IS FOR?
B.E.D.
Because Everything's Dreadful
HE MAKES SOME GOOD POINTS.

AH, WHAT A GLORIOUS MORNING... I'LL JUST CHECK MY TWITTER FEED AND SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE WORLD.
THE WORLD IS A TERRIBLE PLACE TO START YOUR DAY.

HEY, RAT, SAY SOME- THING RUDE TO MY ARAB PAL HERE AND SEE HOW I REACT.
HE'S FAT AND STUPID.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TURNING THE OTHER SHEIKH.
MAY A CAMEL STOMP ON YOUR FAMILY JEWELS.

DUDE, IT'S NOON... WHY ARE YOU STILL IN BED?
BECAUSE NOTHING THAT WILL HAPPEN TODAY WILL BE BETTER THAN THE WARMTH AND COMFORT THAT I HAVE HERE.
YOU MAY HAVE SOLVED LIFE.

OH GOD...HEEEELP!!
I'LL SAVE YOU!
OH THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
OK... NOW GRAB MY ARM!
OK...BUT DON'T LET GO!
I PROMISE. I WILL NEVER LET YOU GO. JUST TRUST ME.
PARDON ME, BUT I HAVE A BRIEFCASE OF MONEY TO GIVE YOU. BUT TO GET IT, YOU'LL NEED TO COME OVER HERE.
AAAHHH!!
THIS HAS BEEN ANOTHER EDITION OF CONGRESSMAN SEARCH & RESCUE
I'LL SAVE YOU! (IF IT SUITS MY INTEREST.)
WORST COMIC BOOK EVER.
HEY... HE CAN'T SAVE EVERYONE.
HE RESCUED THAT POOR MONEY!

HOW TO NOT BE AFFECTED BY WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY ABOUT YOU


LALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!

MOST SELF-HELP BOOKS ARE A LITTLE MORE MATURE.

LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!