Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, RAT, I SAW THAT THING YOU POSTED ON TWITTER. IT'S NOT TRUE, AND YOU'D FIND THAT OUT IF YOU'D DO SOME QUICK RESEARCH.
OH, I KNOW.
SO WHY'D YOU TWEET IT?
BECAUSE LYING IS QUICKER.

WHERE AM I?
TRUTH IS SO 2015.

RIP RIP SHRED
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M TIRED OF THIS POLITICALLY CORRECT WORLD!
EVERYBODY HAS TO WATCH WHAT THEY SAY! USE THE RIGHT TERMS! THINK THE SAME THINGS! WE ALL HAVE TO BE SO P.C. ALL THE TIME.
SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT THIS NEWSSTAND?
I'M MAKING MY VOICE HEARD BY RIPPING UP EVERY SINGLE COPY OF THIS MAGAZINE.
'P.C. WORLD' IS A MAGAZINE ABOUT PERSONAL COMPUTING.
AND YOU OWE ME A LOT OF THEM.
HEY! WINDOWS 10 LOOKS TERRIFIC.

GREAT NEWS, SCOUT PARENTS! I TOOK 50 OF YOUR KIDS ON A WONDERFUL HIKE INTO THE WOODS AND CAME BACK WITH ALL 50!
IF YOU ROUND UP.
SO THEY DIDN'T RESPOND WELL?
PARENTS ARE SO FUSSY NOW.

HEY, PIG. WHY DO YOU HAVE A LIFE ALERT AROUND YOUR NECK?
HELP! HELP! MY LIFE IS A DIRECTIONLESS MESS!
NOT WHAT IT'S FOR.
PLEASE STOP PUSHING THE BUTTON, SIR.

HAPPY THANKS-GIVING, PIG.
SAME TO YOU, RAT. I LOVE THIS HOLIDAY. FAMILY. FRIENDS.
YEAH. ME TOO. THE LOVE. THE TOGETHER-NESS.
SCREW YOU ALL.
TOMMY TURKEY REALLY BRINGS DOWN THE MOOD.
HEY... MY HEAD AND BODY WOULD LIKE SOME TOGETHER-NESS.

HEY, SCOTTY THE SCOUT LEADER. HOW WAS YOUR TROOP'S HIKE ?
TERRIFIC. TOOK 50 KIDS ON A HIKE INTO THE WOODS AND CAME BACK WITH AT LEAST 47.
I TRY TO FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE.

THANKS FOR COMING TO THIS RESTAURANT WITH ME. I REALLY WANTED TO DO DIM SUM TODAY.
SURE. BUT I HAVE STUFF ON MY BILL I WAS NEVER SERVED.
OH, IT HAPPENS. WITH ALL THE LITTLE PLATES THEY BRING YOU, YOU'RE BOUND TO LOSE A FEW.
REALLY?
YEAH. YOU DIM SUM, YOU LOSE SOME.
YOU LOSE THEM ALL.

I JUST HAD THE CRAZIEST DREAM. OUR COUNTRY HAD GONE BONKERS. NOTHING MADE SENSE.
IT WASN'T A DREAM, WAS IT.
WAKE ME WHEN REALITY IMPROVES.

HEY, NICK AND NANCY NEWLYWEDS. I SEE YOU GOT A STORAGE POD FOR YOUR STUFF. I TOTALLY GET IT.
HOUSES IN THIS TOWN ARE SO EXPENSIVE NOW THAT THE MOST ANYONE STARTING OUT CAN AFFORD IS A MODEST LITTLE HOUSE.
AND IT DOESN'T EVEN FIT THE STUFF YOU HAD IN YOUR APARTMENT, SO YOU HAVE TO GO AND RENT A STORAGE UNIT FOR IT.
YOU'RE LIVING IN IT AREN'T YOU?
YEP.
BINGO.
THIS ECONOMY HAS ISSUES.
WE'RE GONNA SHOWER WITH YOUR HOSE.

I HEARD YOU TOOK NEIGHBOR BOB TO A COMEDY SHOW FOR HIS BIRTHDAY. HOW'D HE LIKE IT?
OH, MAN. HE JUST DIED LAUGHING.
HA HA. WELL, THAT'S GREAT.
IT'S GREAT HE LAUGHED SO HARD THAT HE CHOKED ON A PEANUT AND NOW HIS WIFE'S A WIDOW?
NO... WAIT...
WHAT?
TOO SOON, GOAT. TOO SOON.

WELL, THE HIP-HOP COMMUNITY IS SURE BRANCHING OUT.
THEY'RE NOW OFFERING THEIR OWN BRAND OF VEGETABLES.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
BEETS BY DRE.
IT'S 'BEATS.' AND THEY'RE HEADPHONES.
OHHHHHHH...

IHOP
IHOP
I HOPE
THINGS GET BETTER
IN THE WORLD.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, PIG?
MY THERAPIST SAYS IT'S A GOOD IDEA FOR ME TO WRITE A BUCKET LIST OF ALL THE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE.
LET ME SEE WHAT YOU HAVE SO FAR.
Say goodbye.
YOUR STUPIDITY WILL NOT BE MISSED.
OOH. NO GOODBYE FOR YOU.

EXCUSE ME, SIR.
WE'RE LOOKING TO BUY A FRIDGE.
WELL, THIS ONE IS OUR BEST MODEL. 22 CUBIC FEET. TOP-OF-THE-LINE WATER DISPENSER. HIGH-EFFICIENCY RATING. STAINLESS STEEL.
AND YET IT CANNOT HOLD A MAGNET.
FOR SHAME, SIR.
FOR SHAME!

SIR, ALL OF US IN THE PRESS CORPS WANT TO MAKE YOU AN ICE CREAM CAKE IN THE SHAPE OF YOU. WE HAVE TWO POSSIBLE FLAVORS: STRAWBERRY AND PEACH MINT. WHICH WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DONE IN?
IN PEACH MINT SOUNDS GOOD.
AND THEN THEY LAUGHED FOR TWENTY MINUTES.
WE COULD BAN MOCKERY, SIR.

TODAY DEMOCRATS CLAIMED EXTREMISTS ATTACKED, RACIALLY MOTIVATED, TRUMP CALLED HER A...
REPUBLICANS FIRED BACK... NORTH KOREA FIRED TWO...
CRUMBLING INFRASTRUCTURE...
PHOO PHOO
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS AN OPTION.
I WANT A BALLOON!

I AM A MAN FROM THE FUTURE, FOR I KNOW WHAT EVENTS SHALL UNFOLD.
JUST BECAUSE YOU WATCHED THE WARRIORS GAME LIVE AND I’VE YET TO WATCH IT ON D.V.R. DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE FROM THE FUTURE.
AND HERE I THOUGHT I HAD A SUPERPOWER.

PIG LOST THAT PHOTO HE HAS OF BABE RUTH, SO HE'S GOING AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD ASKING IF ANYONE'S SEEN IT.
HOW'S IT GOING?
NOT WELL. I THINK HE COMES ACROSS AS THREATENING.
THREATENING?
I'M TELLING YOU, SIR... I'M RUTHLESS.

HEY, RAT, WHERE ARE YOU? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MEETING ME AT THIS DINER.
YEAH, I KNOW. I'M AT HOME.
I CALCULATED THAT WHEN I'M WITH YOU, WE EACH SPEND PRETTY MUCH THE WHOLE TIME STARING AT OUR PHONES.
SO IF I STAY HOME, WE SPEND JUST AS MUCH TIME TOGETHER, BUT WE SAVE TIME, GAS, AND MONEY. IN SHORT, I MAY NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN.
SADLY, THAT ALL MAKES SENSE.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
A V.H.S. COPY OF "WITNESS", MY FAVORITE MOVIE EVER.
NOBODY PLAYS V.H.S. TAPES ANYMORE.
I KNOW, AND IT'S VERY DELICATE. SO IF ANYONE BORROWS IT, I GIVE THEM THIS MULTI-STEP PROGRAM ON HOW TO CARE FOR IT.
A PRO-GRAM?
A WITNESS' PROTECTION PROGRAM.
I HOPE MOBSTERS FIND YOU BOTH.

I SEE YOU DON'T LOOK THAT GOOD TODAY.
WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
HOMELAND SECURITY.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING.
NOT WHAT THEY MEANT.
I SEE YOU'RE NOT THAT SMART.

WE'RE HERE. THANKS FOR RIDING WITH UBBER.
OKAY. BYE. AND UH, I DON'T THINK I'M SUPPOSED TO TIP WITH THIS RIDESHARING APP, SO THAT'S WHY I'M JUST GONNA GET OUT OF THE CAR NOW AND UH, OKAY THEN...
OH GOD, HERE'S A HUNDRED BUCKS !
GUILT RULES MY LIFE.

I HEAR YOU'RE DATING A FLIGHT ATTENDANT!
YEAH. LAST NIGHT WE EXCHANGED LOVE POEMS WE WROTE FOR EACH OTHER. THIS WAS MINE TO HER.
Your love is a gift that opens my heart to life's possibilities.
WOW. HOW BEAUTIFUL. WHAT DID SHE WRITE FOR YOU?
THIS.
PLEASE RETURN YOUR TRAY TABLE TO THE UPRIGHT AND LOCKED POSITION.

WHY IS IT WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU A TOUGH BREAK, IT GIVES YOU A BUNCH MORE OF THEM ALL IN A ROW?
BECAUSE LIFE IS LIKE AN AGGRESSIVE DOG. IT SMELLS WHEN YOU'RE AFRAID AND ATTACKS.
I WILL MACE LIFE!
I SEE YOU STRUGGLE WITH METAPHORS.
I WILL MACE METAPHORS!

YOU EVER NOTICED HOW THE BEST HOMES ON THE COAST ARE OWNED BY RICH, SNOBBY PEOPLE?
SO?
SO IF GLOBAL WARMING CONTINUES, THOSE HOMES WILL BE SUBMERGED BY RISING SEAS.
PLEASE DON'T ACCELERATE GLOBAL WARMING.
THEY REALLY SHOULD HAVE BEEN NICER.