Pearls Before Swine | Search

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES. YOUR FACEBOOK MESSAGES TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND COULD BE A LOT MORE CONSIDERATE.
OH. ARE YOU A FRIEND OF HERS?
I'M FROM THE GOVERNMENT. WE READ EVERYTHING NOW.
I MISS RIGHTS.
HEARD THAT.

SO, 1980S MAN, THIS IS CALLED TWITTER, AND IF YOU LOOK THERE, YOU'LL SEE I JUST GOT A FOLLOWER.
OH, GOD.
WHAT?
SO LIKE A CREEPY STALKER?
WE WANT FOLLOWERS NOW.
WHAT IS HAPPENING?

PIG EXPLAINS SMARTPHONES TO 80'S MAN
SO YOU CAN TALK ON THOSE LITTLE THINGS ANYWHERE?
WELL, NOT ANYWHERE. DEPENDS WHERE YOU'RE STANDING AND HOW MANY BARS YOU HAVE.
MY TOWN HAS NINE.
HE DOESN'T MEAN THE ONES YOU DRINK IN.
I ONLY DRINK IN FOUR OF THEM.

I'VE DECIDED TO DONATE ALL MY ORGANS AFTER I DIE.
WHY?
BECAUSE IF I DO IT BEFORE I DIE, IT WILL KILL ME.
SOMETIMES YOU ASK STUPID QUESTIONS.

LOOKS LIKE U.S. STATE DEPARTMENT OFFICIALS ARE REFUSING TO TRAVEL TO THIS OTHER COUNTRY BECAUSE THEY FEEL IT’S JUST A PUPPET STATE.
WHY HASN’T AMERICA SHOWN UP?
I DON’T KNOW.
I DON’T KNOW.
I LOST YOU, DIDN’T I?
IT SEEMS RACIST.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
HE COULDN'T COME. HE SAID HIS GIRLFRIEND PIGITA WAS STARTING TO GET CONTRACTIONS.
CONTRACTIONS? I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW SHE WAS PREGNANT.
DOES IT MAKE SENSE NOW ->
DO NOT = DON'T
HAS NOT = HASN'T
I THINK.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING
EXPLORING ALL THE THINGS OUR MOMS TOLD US THAT AREN'T TRUE.
LIKE SITTING TOO CLOSE TO THE TV RUINS YOUR EYESIGHT.
NOT TRUE!
AND THAT YOU HAVE TO WAIT A HALF HOUR AFTER YOU EAT TO SWIM.
NOT TRUE!
AND THAT IF YOU MAKE A FACE, IT CAN STAY THAT WAY.
NOT TRUE!
THAT IF YOU SWALLOW GUM, IT STAYS IN YOUR STOMACH FOR SEVEN YEARS.
NOT TRUE!
THAT RUNNING WITH SCISSORS IS DANGEROUS.
NOT TRUE!
MOM MIGHT BE RIGHT ON THAT ONE.

HEY, RAT, ARE YOU READING THAT BIG BOOK?
I WAS GOING TO. BUT THEN I NOTICED THAT THE FOREWORD HAD ROMAN NUMERAL PAGE NUMBERS.
SO?
SO THOSE PAGES ARE BEFORE YOU EVEN GET TO PAGE ONE. AND THAT WAS PROFOUNDLY DEMORALIZING. SO NOW I'M GOING TO BURN IT.
SOME PEOPLE JUST SKIP THE FOREWORD.
BURNING FEELS MUCH BETTER.

WHO'S YOUR FRIEND, PIG?
80'S MAN. HE'S BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK SINCE 1987. SO WE'RE GONNA CELEBRATE BY GOING FOR A DRIVE.
BUT WE DON'T HAVE THE DIRECTIONS. SO WE'RE BRINGING A TRUNK FULL OF MAPS. PLUS, I'VE GOT A BOOMBOX TO LISTEN TO AND A BUNCH OF DIMES TO CALL HOME.
NO TIME TO GET HIM UP TO SPEED?
NO.
GOT SPACE FOR MY VIDEO CAMERA?

WHO'S YOUR
PAL, PIG?
80'S MAN. HE'S BEEN LIVING
UNDER A ROCK SINCE 1987
AND NOW I'M TRYING TO
EXPLAIN THE INTERNET TO
HIM. CAN YOU HELP?
EVERYTHING YOU DO IS NOW SEEN
BY EVERYBODY ALWAYS.
OH.
A WORLD
OF
PEEPING
TOMS.
BUT YOU
CAN'T
CLOSE
THE
DRAPES.
AND
THEY'RE
ALL
OPINIONATED.

ARE HEAVEN AND HELL THE ONLY TWO POSSIBILITIES FOR PEOPLE AFTER THEY DIE?
WELL, SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE IN AN INTERMEDIATE STATE CALLED LIMBO.
WHERE YOU TRY TO DANCE YOUR WAY UNDER A POLE FOR ALL ETERNITY?
NO.
SOUNDS LIKE THE BEST ETERNITY EVER.

HEY, LENNY THE LION, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN LATELY?
PACKING. ALL OF US LIONS ONLY STAY HERE DURING THE WARM SUMMER MONTHS.
SO WHEN ARE ALL OF YOU GUYS GOING?
THE PRIDE GOES BEFORE THE FALL.
I'D BE LION IF I SAID THAT WAS FUNNY.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?
OLD RECORDS MADE BY DR. BONES MCCOY FROM "STAR TREK." RAT AND I ARE RE-ORGANIZING OUR RECORD COLLECTION.
HEY, PIG. GOT ALL MY OLD ROLLING STONES AND STYX RECORDS. CAN I PUT THEM DOWN ON YOURS?
WHY NOT?
STYX AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES.
BUT I WILL ALWAYS HURT YOU.

DID YOU KNOW
THERE'S A
WHOLE WORLD
OUT THERE?
SAY
WHAT?
CAN'T
TALK.
POSTING
SOMETHING

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING, PIG?
MY PANTS O' DESTINY. WHENEVER I WEAR THEM, I FEEL LIKE I'M ONE STEP CLOSER TO ACHIEVING MY TRUE DESTINY.
DESTINY IS SOMETHING THAT'S INEVITABLE. SOMETHING THAT'S BOUND TO HAPPEN.
I THOUGHT IT WAS THE PANTS.

HEY, NEIGHBOR WANCY. HOW'S YOUR WORK GOING?
GOOD. I HELP SET UP YOUTH HOSTELS NOW, SO I RE-DID MY ENTIRE OFFICE SO AS TO FOCUS ONLY ON THAT.
SO YOU HAVE A HOSTEL WORK ENVIRONMENT?
I'LL SHOW YOU HOSTILE.

RAT THE FEATURES EDITOR DROPS THE BRIDGE COLUMN
HE ASKED YOU NICE FOLKS HERE BECAUSE YOU SEEM TO BE THE MOST REASONABLE MEMBERS OF THE BRIDGE-LOVING COMMUNITY AND WE'D LIKE TO START A DIALOGUE.
GIVE US BACK OUR BRIDGE COLUMN OR WE'LL SHOOT YOU IN THE KNEE.
BRIDGE-LOVERS CAN BE VERY UNPLEASANT.

I hear you got a job as features editor of our paper.
Yep. And the first thing I did was get rid of the bridge column.
Who in the world still reads a bridge column??
Old people are fire bombing our front porch.
Perhaps I miscalculated.
Cool it with the Molotov cocktails, Grandma!!

I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN I HAVE AN ETHICAL DILEMMA.
AT TIMES LIKE THAT, I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT FOR PEOPLE TO JUST CONSULT THEIR OWN MORAL COMPASS.
MINE POINTS TO, 'DO IT IF IT FEELS GOOD.'
I FORGOT WHO I WAS TALKING TO.
THANKS, LITTLE COMPASS.

HEY, RAT, I GOT YOU A WHITMAN'S SAMPLER FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.
OH, DUDE, THAT'S LIKE THE BEST PRESENT EVER... I LOVE ALL THOSE DIFFERENT CHOCOLATES AND --
'I CELEBRATE MYSELF, AND SING MYSELF.'
IT'S A SAMPLER OF WALT WHITMAN POETRY.
AND THEN I BEAT HIM WITH MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT.

WELL, PIG. I OPENED MY OWN 'INN AND CAFE'. EVEN NAMED IT AFTER MYSELF. BUT MY BUSINESS IS A BIT UNUSUAL.
HOW SO, MR. SINGH?
WELL, I'M NORMALLY JUST A CAFE. BUT WHEN IT RAINS, THE BRIDGE JUST PAST US WASHES OUT AND PEOPLE GET STRANDED.
SO THEN WHAT?
SO THEN I DITCH THE CAFE AND CONVERT IT ALL TO JUST AN INN.
SO ALL THE STRANDED FOLKS HAVE SOMEWHERE TO STAY.
YEP.
WELL, I'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT TILL IT RAINS AND COME STAY AT THE 'SINGH INN AND CAFE'.
I'M 'SINGH INN' IN THE RAIN. JUST 'SINGH INN' IN THE RAIN.
IT'S NOT A GLORIOUS FEELING. AND I'M NOT HAPPY AGAIN.

MARY! I'M SO GLAD YOU AGREED TO HAVE COFFEE! I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE WE DATED TEN YEARS AGO.
I KNOW. ISN'T IT GREAT?
WE HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON NOW, DO WE?
NOPE.
ALWAYS KEEP THE PAST IN THE PAST.

...that all men are created equal.
Four score and seven years ago...
...nothing to fear but fear itself.
Illegal to punch journalists in the head. Sad!

MY DREAMS NEVER SEEM TO COME TRUE.

MAYBE YOU HAVE UNREALISTIC DREAMS.

WHAT'S A MORE REALISTIC DREAM?

DREAM OF BUTTERING YOUR TOAST.

DREAMS DO COME TRUE!!

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MOMENT.

WELL, PIG, I'M AFRAID YOU HAVE A FEW HEALTH PROBLEMS.
OH, NO. I DO?
YEAH. BUT DOES IT REALLY MATTER? THE WHOLE WORLD'S GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET AND WE'RE ALL QUITE SCREWED.
AND THEN HE GAVE ME A PACK OF SMOKES.