Pearls Before Swine | Search

THE STUPID COMPUTERS NOT WORKING.
CHECK THE TROUBLE-SHOOTING GUIDE.
TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
Trouble shooting? Aim better.
HAHAHAHA
IT WASN'T HELPFUL.

HOW TO SUCCEED MORE.
Fail less.
I THINK I'M ON TO SOMETHING.

WHO'S THE GUY NEXT TO YOU?
PERMANENTLY OFFENDED GUY.
YOU SAID WHAT-I'M OFFENDED!
NEVER USE THAT WORD. I'M OFFENDED!
NEVER MAKE THAT JOKE. I'M OFFENDED!
NEVER HAVE THAT THOUGHT. I'M OFFENDED!
NEVER... EXCUSE ME, BUT WHY HAVE YOU TAKEN ME HERE?
TO ANSWER THE QUESTION.
IF A GUY COMPLAINS IN A FOREST AND NO ONE IS AROUND TO HEAR IT, DOES ANYONE CARE?
I'M OFFENDED!
PLEASE SHUT YOUR FACE.

WHAT'S THE ONE THING YOU'RE DETERMINED TO DO IN YOUR LIFE ?
GO ALL AROUND THE WORLD.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. WHERE WOULD YOU WANT TO GO ?
BACK HOME. THE PLANE WOULD JUST CIRCLE AROUND.
SOME PEOPLE LAND AND SEE THINGS.
I JUST WANT THE FREE PEANUTS.

Change
starts
with
you.
I AM KING OF THE WORLD NOW. DO AS I SAY.

I THINK RAT GOT AWAY WITH EMBEZZLING FUNDS FROM HIS EMPLOYER.
WELL, THE GUILT THAT SOMETHING LIKE THAT CAUSES IS OFTEN ITS OWN PUNISHMENT.
I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD COUNT ON THAT.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. SAW YOU SAID SOMETHING BAD ABOUT ME ON TWITTER.
SO?
SO I WILL MUTE YOU.
I WILL BLOCK YOU.
I WILL REPORT YOU.
I WILL TORCH YOU WITH THIS FLAMETHROWER.
WELL, THAT TWITTER WAR ESCALATED QUICKLY.

SCIENCE QUIZ
Please state the full name of famed astronomer Galileo.
GALILEO GALILEO GALILEO GALILEO
GALILEO GALILEO GALILEO FIGARO
MAGNIFICOoooooooo...
P.S. I'm just a poor boy.
Nobody loves me.
SCIENCE IS PROBABLY MY
BEST SUBJECT.

HEY RAT, YOU'RE LATE FOR WORK.
I KNOW, BUT I CAN'T GET UP.
WHY NOT?
IT'S STILL DARK.
SO?
SO DARKNESS IS GOD'S WAY OF SAYING YOU'D BE A MORON TO GET OUT OF BED.
WHOA. WHAT'S THAT MAKE ME?
SORRY. THE LORD'S NEVER WRONG.

KIDS, WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT FAMILY DEBT.
ALRIGHT.
OKAY.
The bad news is it’s large. Over $350,000. And it’s an amount like that is hard to pay back.
IN FACT, THE INTEREST ALONE IS ABOUT $17,000 A YEAR.
The point is we’re very, very worried.
YOU’LL BE OKAY, MOM AND DAD.
Yes, we will.
BECAUSE IT’S YOUR STUDENT DEBT!!
GOOD LUCK GETTING OUT OF THAT HOLE, KIDDOS!
HAHAHAHA!! THAT’S MORE THAN WE PAID FOR OUR HOUSE!
I CALLED IT COLLEGE IS ONE BIG MISTAKE!
HOW UPLIFTING.
WHY ARE THESE KIDS STILL SITTING THERE?!
WORK!!!

WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO BEFORE YOU DIE ?
TO THE HOSPITAL, TO PREVENT IT FROM HAPPENING.
I WAS THINKING PARIS.
TOO FAR. YOU'D DIE FIRST.

EXCUSE ME, SIR. I APPRECIATE YOUR GIVING ME A JOB AT YOUR COMPANY, BUT I'M HAVING TROUBLE GETTING PEOPLE TO REPLY TO MY EMAILS.
YEP. HAPPENS TO ALL OF US. IT'S ALMOST LIKE THEY'RE NOT EVEN READING THEM. I JUST WISH WE KNEW WHY.
SPAM

I HEAR YOU JOINED THE MOST EXPENSIVE GYM IN TOWN.
YEAH, BECAUSE ONE OF MY SINS IS THAT I'M LAZY AND KNOW I'LL NEVER GO.
SO WHY'D YOU DO IT?
BECAUSE ANOTHER ONE OF MY SINS IS THAT I'M GREEDY AND DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY MONEY LIKE THAT.
SO YOU LET YOUR SINS BATTLE FOR SUPREMACY.
IT'S THE KEY TO STAYING FIT.

THE STUPID T.V. WON'T TURN ON.
CHECK THE MANUAL.
Whack the thing with your hand.
I EXPECTED MORE.
HERE IT SAYS TO YELL " #%@!! "

Hullooo, zeeba neighba, leesten. Nateeve Americans okay keeling aneemals becus dey make prodductive use of all parts of aneemaal.
So me make leetle peecture of whut happen you if me keel you.
Somehow he no comforted.
Hey. Why Larry no share?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
CELEBRATING 'SHAKE YOUR BUTTOCKS TO THE BEAT' DAY.
IT'S JUST MONDAY.
YEAH, I KNOW.
BUT I'M RE-BRANDING IT AS 'SHAKE YOUR BUTTOCKS TO THE BEAT' DAY.
I THINK MONDAY'S STILL MONDAY.
YOU'RE NOT HELPING.

Once upon a time,
there were corrupt
local governments.
But they were watched
by people paid to
investigate stories.
Then one day
an internet
appeared.
And everything
changed.
And now people want
their news
for free.
So there is no one
left to watch local
government.
But that's
okay,
because
governments
will be good now.
Tee hee
hee
Giggle
giggle
EXCUSE ME WHILE
I GO SUBSCRIBE
TO SEVEN
NEWSPAPERS.
DIDN'T YOU
HEAR HIM??
GOVERNMENT
IS GOOD NOW!

HEY, WRITER PIG, WHY ARE YOU SO EXCITED?
MY BOOK JUST GOT A GREAT REVIEW IN THE NEW YORK TIMES.
CONGRATS. I KNOW JUST HOW THAT FEELS.
YOU GOT A GOOD REVIEW FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES?
AIRBNB.
YOU MUST BE SO PROUD.
LOOK... "PIG IS A VERY CONSIDERATE GUEST."

WHY ARE THERE
STAINS
ON OUR
DRIVEWAY?
THEY'RE FROM
NEIGHBOR
BOB'S OLIVE
TREE.
THE FOOL. I HAVE A SPEAR
NOW. I SHALL MAKE HIM
SCRUB OFF EACH AND
EVERY STAIN.
I REFUSE.
WE'VE AGREED
TO DISAGREE.

HEY, RAT, YOU PARKED YOUR CAR IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE AGAIN. I SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU NOT TO.
YEAH, AND I HEARD YOU.
BUT NOW I CARRY A SPEAR.
I'M WINNING MORE AND MORE DISPUTES.

FRANZ, THE PUNNING PROFESSOR OF MUSIC! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO KEEP YOU AWAY FROM THIS HOUSE? BUILD A MOAT?
OH, THAT WOULD BE QUITE THE EYESORE.
FINE... I'LL DECORATE IT WITH ARTWORK. WOULD YOU LIKE THAT...?
DEPENDS ON THE MOAT'S ART.
YOU MAKE APARTMENT 3-G LOOK HILARIOUS.

Hulooo zeeba neighba... Leesten... Me reading biology. And me learn we is different specie.
For you to live, you got eat grass. For me to live, me got eat you. Nature have name for dis.
'Bad news for you.'
I'M CLOSING THE DOOR NOW.
Hey. Me not make rules.

New Year's Resolutions
This year I will worry less.*
WHAT'S THE ASTERISK FOR?
* Provided bad things stop
happening in the world.
I'M HOPING THIS IS
THE YEAR.

ERRT ERRT ERRT

GET UP, FATTY.
DON'T WANT TO.
HAVE TO.
PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE.
YOU'LL LOSE YOUR JOB.
I HATE MY JOB.
YOU'LL HAVE NO MONEY.
WHY DO I NEED MONEY?
TO BUY FOOD.
WHAT IF I DON'T EAT?
YOU'LL STARVE.
THEN WHAT?
YOU'LL DIE.
ARE THERE ALARM CLOCKS IN HEAVEN?
PROBABLY NOT.
WHAM WHAM WHAM

MY PHONE NOW HAS THIS WEIRD START-UP MESSAGE WHEN I TURN IT ON. I THINK IT'S BEEN HACKED BY THE RUSSIANS.
EVERYONE ALWAYS BLAMES THE RUSSIANS. BUT HOW WOULD YOU EVEN KNOW?
COMRADE! EAT BORSCHT!
THEY SHOULD HIDE THEIR TRACKS BETTER.