Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, RAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, AL. HE'S AN AIRPLANE PILOT.
OH, YEAH? I HAVE A QUESTION.
WHY DO YOU KEEP GETTING ON THE INTERCOM TO TELL ME ABOUT THE ALTITUDE AND WIND DIRECTION AND OTHER THINGS THAT ONLY YOU CARE ABOUT?
BECAUSE I LOVE THE SOUND OF MY OWN VOICE!!
WELL, NOW WE KNOW.
IT'S ALL I CAN DO TO NOT SING KARAOKE.

EVERY TIME I READ TWITTER I'M AFRAID THERE'S GONNA BE A NUCLEAR WAR AND EVERYTHING ON EARTH IS GONNA BE DESTROYED.
THAT'S NOT HOW I LIKE TO LOOK AT THINGS.
HOW DO YOU LIKE TO LOOK AT THINGS?
THAT IF ALL THAT HAPPENS, I'LL BE DEBT-FREE.
I SEE.
IT'S MY BEST CHANCE AT A FRESH START.

HI. I'M LOOKING FOR A COT.
WELL, WE HAVE THESE COTS OVER HERE FOR GIRLS AND COTS OVER HERE FOR BOYS.
EXCUSE ME, BUT I THINK IT'S WRONG TO SEPARATE PRODUCTS LIKE THAT BY GENDER. AND AS SUCH, I AM NOT GOING TO BUY IT FROM YOUR STORE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IT'S A BOY COT BOYCOTT.
LAME AND NOT FUNNY
DO NOT GET YOUR HOPES UP
COMICS SHOULDN'T BE PAINFUL

I'M GOING TO SOME BIG, FANCY BALL IN A HOTEL.
WHAT KIND OF ATTIRE IS REQUIRED?
I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS SUCH A REQUIREMENT.
THERE USUALLY IS.
I FEEL OUT OF PLACE.

DO YOU EVER GET DEPRESSED WHEN YOU HAVE A BIRTHDAY
NO. I'M ALWAYS UPBEAT ABOUT TURNING A YEAR OLDER.
WHY IS THAT
BECAUSE IF I'M EVER SENTENCED TO LIFE FOR MURDER, IT'S ONE LESS YEAR I HAVE TO SPEND IN PRISON.
HOW UPLIFTING.
I SHOULD REALLY WRITE GREETING CARDS.

GOALS FOR THE WEEK
Accomplish 3 times as much as last week.
Last week: Did nothing.
3 x nothing = nothing

NO ONE KNOWS WHAT WE'RE DOING HERE.
SOME HAVE FAITH THAT THEY DO…BUT NO ONE KNOWS.
SO WE ARE SCARED. WE ARE ALONE. AND WE DIE. AND WE DON'T KNOW WHERE WE GO.
SO WE CLING TO MONEY FOR COMFORT. AND WE CHASE AWARDS FOR IMMORTALITY. AND WE HIDE IN THE ROUTINE OF OUR DAYS.
BUT THEY END. THE

RAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, BOB. HE WON AN EMMY FOR A T.V. SHOW.
OH. WOW.
SO HE ENTERTAINED A TINY FRACTION OF THE POPULATION IN ONE COUNTRY ON A SMALL PLANET IN AN INSIGNIFICANT SOLAR SYSTEM ON A NON-DESCRIPT ARM OF AN UNREMARKABLE GALAXY IN A UNIVERSE OF OVER 100 BILLION GALAXIES.
HE'S CRYING IN THE BATHROOM.
PERSPECTIVE IS CRUEL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
ORGANIZING GOAT'S BOOKS. HE WANTS HIS MEDICAL BOOKS FIRST, THEN HIS PHILOSOPHY BOOKS, LIKE HIS DESCARTES AND KANT.
WHAT ARE YOU CHEWING NOW, PIG?
IT'S CALLED THE HOARSE-CURING FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE SCRATCHY THROATS.
BUT YOU'RE PUTTING DESCARTES BEFORE 'THE HOARSE.'
PLEASE STOP.
KANT.

HEY, GOAT. WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I JUST HAD THE MOST HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE.
WHAT WAS IT?
I DIDN'T FINISH THIS WEEK'S "NEW YORKER". THEN THE NEXT ISSUE CAME. AND THE NEXT ONE. AND BEFORE I KNEW IT, I WAS HOPELESSLY UNINFORMED.
LIBERAL ELITISTS HAVE STRANGE NIGHTMARES.

DID YOU KNOW TODAY IS 'EAT BRUSSELS SPROUTS DAY'?
I DON'T LIKE BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
MAYBE THEY'RE AN ACQUIRED TASTE.
AS IN, ONCE YOU ACQUIRE THEM, YOU REALIZE THEY TASTE BAD?
THIS IS NO WAY TO CELEBRATE BRUSSELS SPROUTS DAY.
BRUSSELS SPROUTS: THE ONLY FOOD THAT MAKES BROCCOLI SOUND DELICIOUS

WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR NEWS NOW, RAT?
MY FACEBOOK FEED.
BUT THAT CAN COME FROM ANYWHERE.
SO YOU HAVE NO WAY TO KNOW IF THE STORIES YOU'RE RELYING ON ARE TRUE.
YOU WERE FORCED TO SAY THAT.
BY WHOM?
THE ARMY OF ALIENS THAT LANDED IN KANSAS.
NO.
I SEE YOU'RE UNINFORMED.

HEY, RAT! LOOK WHAT I GOT YOU!
WHAT IS IT?
IT'S A PORPOISE CHAUFFEUR TO DRIVE YOU ANYWHERE YOU WANT TO GO. JUST LIKE YOU WANTED.
I SAID I WANTED A PURPOSE-DRIVEN LIFE.
YOU NEED TO ENUNCIATE BETTER.

Wassup?
I'm bored.
I'm thinking about punching people.
Not once. But twice.
Biff! Bang!
Right in the bean.
Because I can.
Okay, little people, that's all I got.
SIR, I THINK PEOPLE EXPECT MORE FROM THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS.
FINE. YOU WRITE IT.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI, I'M TIMMY TORTOISE. I JUST MOVED INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD AND WANTED TO SAY HI.
OH, THANK GOD. AN HERBIVORE. I'M SO USED TO BEING SURROUNDED BY CARNIVORES, ALL OF WHOM ARE TRYING TO CAUSE ME HARM.
GIMME YOUR WALLET.
I'M GONNA STOP OPENING THE DOOR.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG? I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO WORK TODAY.
I AM. I'M WORKING FROM HOME.
YOU'RE EATING BONBONS IN BED.
IT'S A FINE LINE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
CROSSWORD PUZZLE. THE CLUE IS "ALL-KNOWING ALL-POWERFUL PRESENCE IN THE UNIVERSE." BEGINS WITH "G-O."
GOOGLE.
NUTS. ONLY HAS THREE LETTERS.
TRY ABBREVIATING GOOGLE.

WHATCHA READING, L'IL GUARD DUCK?
THIS POLITICAL BOOK ON THE DEEP STATE. IT'S ALL VERY SECRETIVE.
I KNOW ABOUT IT.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
IT'S ARIZONA. AND IT HAS THE GRAND CANYON.
NO.
YES. I'VE BEEN THERE.

WHATCHA DOING, GOAT?
RAT AND I ARE TRYING TO REPLACE THIS ELECTRICAL OUTLET.
WHERE'S RAT?
I SENT HIM TO GET A SCREWDRIVER.
EASIEST. JOB. EVER.

HEY, PIG... WHAT ARE YOU OFFERING THAT'S HUGE?
HUGE
NO WONDER I'M SO LONELY.

THE SIX STAGES OF MARRIAGE
YOU'RE THE GREATEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
YOU'RE NOT AS GREAT AS I THOUGHT.
YOU NEED TO BE CHANGED.
YOU CAN'T BE CHANGED.
I ACCEPT YOU AS YOU ARE.
YOU'RE THE GREATEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
YOU HAVE A SOFT SIDE.
DON'T TELL ANYONE.

WAITER!
HOW CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
YES, WELL, I TOOK SOME PIANO LESSONS GROWING UP AND PLAYED A LITTLE GUITAR IN HIGH SCHOOL, BUT IF THIS PLACE IS GONNA BUST OUT IN AN INFORMAL JAM SESSION, I'M PROBABLY LEAST SKILLED AT THE DRUMS.
THOSE ARE CHOPSTICKS, SIR. NOT DRUMSTICKS.
THIS IS WHY WE DON'T GO OUT MORE.
NOW I KNOW WHY I COULDN'T FIND A SNARE DRUM.

SIR, YOUR LAST TWEET IS FACTUALLY INCORRECT AND WE PLAN ON REPORTING THAT.
I DON'T CARE.
WHY DON'T YOU CARE, SIR?
BECAUSE BY THE TIME YOU DO THAT, I WILL HAVE TWEETED TEN MORE TIMES.
SO YOU CAN OUTPACE US?
OUTPACE YOU?! I'M LIKE USAIN BOLT AND YOU'RE LIKE AN OLD LADY CHASING ME WITH AN UMBRELLA.
I'D ARGUE, BUT MY LOW MORALE PREVENTS ME.
DO YOU THINK STARBUCKS IS HIRING?

OKAY, I'LL TAKE ONE QUESTION FROM ALL OF YOU LOSERS.
YESSIR, ABOUT THE BUDGET--
FAKE TIE! CLIP-ON!
MY TIE IS REAL, SIR. IT'S--
FAKE HAIR! BALD!
SIR, THAT'S HIS REAL HAIR. HE--
FAKE TATAS! SAD!
OKAY, THIS IS OUT OF CONTROL.
THEY ARE LOOKING BIG, LINDA.

I'M THINKING ABOUT STARTING A CROWDFUNDING CAMPAIGN.
OH, TERRIFIC. TO RAISE MONEY FOR AN ART PROJECT? A CAUSE? A CHARITY?
BEER MONEY.
WONDERFUL.
BECAUSE NO MAN SHOULD HAVE TO WORK TO DRINK.
PLEASE. TAKE MY LIFE'S SAVINGS.