Pearls Before Swine | Search

SIR, ALL OF US IN THE PRESS CORPS WANT TO MAKE YOU AN ICE CREAM CAKE IN THE SHAPE OF YOU. WE HAVE TWO POSSIBLE FLAVORS: STRAWBERRY AND PEACH MINT. WHICH WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DONE IN?
IN PEACH MINT SOUNDS GOOD.
AND THEN THEY LAUGHED FOR TWENTY MINUTES.
WE COULD BAN MOCKERY, SIR.

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CRUMBLING INFRASTRUCTURE...
PHOO PHOO
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS AN OPTION.
I WANT A BALLOON!

I AM A MAN FROM THE FUTURE, FOR I KNOW WHAT EVENTS SHALL UNFOLD.
JUST BECAUSE YOU WATCHED THE WARRIORS GAME LIVE AND I’VE YET TO WATCH IT ON D.V.R. DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE FROM THE FUTURE.
AND HERE I THOUGHT I HAD A SUPERPOWER.

PIG LOST THAT PHOTO HE HAS OF BABE RUTH, SO HE'S GOING AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD ASKING IF ANYONE'S SEEN IT.
HOW'S IT GOING?
NOT WELL. I THINK HE COMES ACROSS AS THREATENING.
THREATENING?
I'M TELLING YOU, SIR... I'M RUTHLESS.

HEY, RAT, WHERE ARE YOU? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MEETING ME AT THIS DINER.
YEAH, I KNOW. I'M AT HOME.
I CALCULATED THAT WHEN I'M WITH YOU, WE EACH SPEND PRETTY MUCH THE WHOLE TIME STARING AT OUR PHONES.
SO IF I STAY HOME, WE SPEND JUST AS MUCH TIME TOGETHER, BUT WE SAVE TIME, GAS, AND MONEY. IN SHORT, I MAY NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN.
SADLY, THAT ALL MAKES SENSE.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
A V.H.S. COPY OF "WITNESS", MY FAVORITE MOVIE EVER.
NOBODY PLAYS V.H.S. TAPES ANYMORE.
I KNOW, AND IT'S VERY DELICATE. SO IF ANYONE BORROWS IT, I GIVE THEM THIS MULTI-STEP PROGRAM ON HOW TO CARE FOR IT.
A PRO-GRAM?
A WITNESS' PROTECTION PROGRAM.
I HOPE MOBSTERS FIND YOU BOTH.

I SEE YOU DON'T LOOK THAT GOOD TODAY.
WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
HOMELAND SECURITY.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING.
NOT WHAT THEY MEANT.
I SEE YOU'RE NOT THAT SMART.

WE'RE HERE. THANKS FOR RIDING WITH UBBER.
OKAY. BYE. AND UH, I DON'T THINK I'M SUPPOSED TO TIP WITH THIS RIDESHARING APP, SO THAT'S WHY I'M JUST GONNA GET OUT OF THE CAR NOW AND UH, OKAY THEN...
OH GOD, HERE'S A HUNDRED BUCKS !
GUILT RULES MY LIFE.

I HEAR YOU'RE DATING A FLIGHT ATTENDANT!
YEAH. LAST NIGHT WE EXCHANGED LOVE POEMS WE WROTE FOR EACH OTHER. THIS WAS MINE TO HER.
Your love is a gift that opens my heart to life's possibilities.
WOW. HOW BEAUTIFUL. WHAT DID SHE WRITE FOR YOU?
THIS.
PLEASE RETURN YOUR TRAY TABLE TO THE UPRIGHT AND LOCKED POSITION.

WHY IS IT WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU A TOUGH BREAK, IT GIVES YOU A BUNCH MORE OF THEM ALL IN A ROW?
BECAUSE LIFE IS LIKE AN AGGRESSIVE DOG. IT SMELLS WHEN YOU'RE AFRAID AND ATTACKS.
I WILL MACE LIFE!
I SEE YOU STRUGGLE WITH METAPHORS.
I WILL MACE METAPHORS!

YOU EVER NOTICED HOW THE BEST HOMES ON THE COAST ARE OWNED BY RICH, SNOBBY PEOPLE?
SO?
SO IF GLOBAL WARMING CONTINUES, THOSE HOMES WILL BE SUBMERGED BY RISING SEAS.
PLEASE DON'T ACCELERATE GLOBAL WARMING.
THEY REALLY SHOULD HAVE BEEN NICER.

I HEAR PIG LIKED HIS UMPIRE COSTUME SO MUCH THAT HE BECAME AN ACTUAL BASEBALL UMPIRE.
YEAH.
BUT THAT REQUIRES A GUY WHO CAN BE FIRM.
YOU DON'T THINK HE CAN BE FIRM?
OKAY. IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE CALL, I'LL JUST CHANGE IT.
YOU'LL WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
DRESSING UP FOR HALLOWEEN. IT'S THE LAST COSTUME THEY HAD AT THE COSTUME STORE.
DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE?
OF COURSE I DO.
LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER.
UMPIRE. NOT DARTH VADER.
ARE UMPIRES AS EVIL?

WHAT'S THE MATTER, RAT?
I'M DEPRESSED.
WHY?
BECAUSE I'M RESTLESS. NEVER HAPPY WITH HOW THINGS ARE. ALWAYS WANTING SOMETHING MORE. SOMETHING NEW. SOMETHING GREAT.
I'M CONTENT WITH WHAT LIFE GIVES ME.
SO I PUSHED HIM OFF THE CLIFF.
AND I MET THE NICEST PEOPLE AT THE HOSPITAL!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
WE'RE PLANNING TO ROB BANKS WITH THE REST OF OUR GANG. WE FIGURE HALLOWEEN IS PERFECT BECAUSE NO ONE WILL LOOK TWICE AT SOMEONE IN DISGUISE.
WHO ARE YOU DISGUISED AS?
WELL, AL AND I AREN'T IN DISGUISE BECAUSE WE'RE JUST DRIVING. BUT THOSE TWO WILL BE ROBBING THE BANK. SO THEY'RE DISGUISED AS FORMER INDIANA BASKETBALL COACH BOBBY KNIGHT.
HOW DID YOU TELL THEM APART?
WELL, ONE GUY IS SUPER-RELIGIOUS. THE OTHER NEVER TALKS.
YEAH. I MAY BE RELIGIOUS, BUT I SPEAK FOR BOTH OF US WHEN I SAY WE'RE NOT DOING A BANK JOB WITH STUPID AL. HE'S A MORON AND HE PANICS.
SILENT KNIGHT. HOLY KNIGHT. AL IS CALM, AL IS BRIGHT.
BOBBY WOULD LIKE TO THROW A CHAIR AT YOU.

HEY PIG, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY COSTUME? I'M A LAMP.
IT LOOKS GREAT, PIGITA. DOES THE LIGHT WORK?
YEAH. PLUG IT IN AND SEE.
PRRP PRRP RING
HANG ON. YOUR MOM'S CALLING.
HI, PIG. CAN I TALK TO PIGITA?
CAN YOU CALL BACK LATER? I'M TRYING TO TURN HER ON.
SHE SOUNDS UPSET.

WHEN THE WORLD ENDS, THERE WILL BE DEBRIS EVERYWHERE. AND THE GROUND WILL BE VERY BUMPY.
SO TO SURVIVE, YOU MUST REST. AND TO REST, YOU MUST SIT. AND TO SIT, YOU MUST BE COMFY.
AND TO BE COMFY, YOU MUST HAVE A LARGE, PADDED BUTT LIKE MINE.
I THINK YOUR SCIENCE IS OFF.
LOOK... I'M EVOLVING.

Okay, before we is start, me have say Pressydent Rat no happy wid you coverage.
So today, press conference gonna be in dark.
OKAY. SOMEBODY'S KICKING ME.
HA! YOU NO CAN PROVE NOTHEENG!

IT'S GETTING MORE DIFFICULT FOR ME TO LIE.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE I ALWAYS HAVE TO REMEMBER WHAT I SAID TO OTHERS, AND IT'S VERY HARD.
SO WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?
THAT I NEED TO IMPROVE MY MEMORY.
NO.
THAT I NEED TO TELL MORE MEMORABLE LIES.

SIR, I HAVE A QUESTION ON THE PRESIDENT'S BUDGET.
OKAY, BUT ME HAS JOKE FIRST.
WHAT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN JOURNALIST AND SAD, UNEMPLOYABLE LOSER?
ME NOT KNOW!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THIS COULD BE A LONG FOUR YEARS.
HEY, I HAVE A JOB! IT JUST DOESN'T PAY MUCH!

RAT, THE PRESIDENT
SIR, WE'RE HAVING A HARD TIME HIRING A PRESS SECRETARY. NONE OF THE BRIGHT PEOPLE WE'VE INTERVIEWED WANT THE JOB.
FINE. I KNOW A GUY. HE'S NOT VERY INTELLECTUAL, BUT I THINK HE CAN SET THE RIGHT TONE.
KEES GARRY BUTT, JOURNALIEESTS!

OUT FOR HIS MORNING PRAYER, THE SAINT THREW ROCKS AT A DOLPHIN.
OW!
OW!
OW!
BUT THE SAINT WAS ATTACKED BY A RAVEN.
NOT SO FAST, 'OL' SAINT,' CRIED THE FALCON TO THE RAVEN, 'I WILL CRUSH YOU.'
ROARRR, GROWLED THE LION, 'I EAT BIRDS LIKE YOU FOR A SNACK.'
'I THINK YOU'RE TOUGH?' YELLED THE VIKING, 'WE HUMANS HAVE SWORDS!'
'YES,' SAID THE COWBOY, 'BUT A COWBOY HAS GUNS!'
'SURE,' SAID A GIANT...
'...BUT I WILL STEP ON YOU ALL.'
WHAT DO YOU THINK? DO YOU LIKE THE GIANTS TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL?
YEAH, WHAT'S YOUR ANALYSIS?
WELL, IS A BROWN LIKE A HAWK BROWN?

RAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND CARL. HE'S AN ASTRO-PHYSICIST SEARCHING FOR INTELLIGENT LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS.
WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.
HOW SO?
I'M SEARCHING FOR IT HERE.
I SEE.
HEY, IF ALL THE WORLD'S ICE MELTS, WILL SKIING BE MORE EXPENSIVE?

I'VE DEVELOPED A NEW THEOREM- TWO WORRIES MAKE A NON-WORRY!
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
WELL, FOR EXAMPLE, YOU CAN WORRY ABOUT HOW MUCH MONEY YOU HAVE IN LIFE, OR YOU CAN WORRY ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING. BUT YOU CAN'T WORRY ABOUT BOTH, 'CAUSE SOON GLOBAL WARMING WILL END ALL LIFE.
WOO HOO!
OH...HOW COMFORTING.
COAL-BURNING BARBECUE AT MY HOUSE!

WHAT KIND OF HELP ARE YOU OFFERING?
NONE. I'M CRYING OUT FOR IT.
I'LL WAIT HERE WITH YOU.