Pearls Before Swine | Search

THIS YEAR I DID NOT RECEIVE AN ACADEMY AWARD, PULITZER PRIZE, PRESIDENTIAL MEDAL OF FREEDOM, MACARTHUR GENIUS GRANT, OR SAINTHOOD.
WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?
THAT THE WORLD IS RACIST AGAINST CARTOON CHARACTERS.
TRY AGAIN.
THAT I NEED TO START BOYCOTTING THE POPE?

I’VE NOW STUDIED ALL THE ANCIENT TEXTS, RELIGIONS, AND PHILOSOPHIES TO DETERMINE THE KEY TO HAPPINESS.
AND WHAT HAVE YOU FOUND?
GET OFF THE INTERNET.
IRONICALLY, I USED IT FOR ALL MY RESEARCH.

I tell you, Myrtle. I've had it.
What now, George?
You. Always giving me projects to do.
So?
So I want to be free, Myrtle. Free to do what I want. Free to lay around. Free to do nothing!
I want to say to the whole world, "George Couch is a free man!"
Good for you, George. Go out into the street and tell the whole world. I'll move on.
Dude. Free couch.
Hey! Hey! What do you think you're doing?
WOOHOOO!
AND MRS. COUCH LOCKED THE DOORS AND NEVER LET HIM BACK IN.
IT IS A CAUTIONARY TALE.
COUCHES NEED TO BE MORE CAREFUL.

I'VE DEVELOPED AN I.Q. TEST. HERE'S THE FIRST QUESTION… TRUE OR FALSE: SOME PEOPLE LIKE ART MUSEUMS.
TRUE.
WRONG!
NOBODY LIKES ART MUSEUMS. THEY JUST PRETEND THEY DO TO MAKE THEMSELVES LOOK SMART.
MAYBE THE TEST GIVER'S I.Q. IS LOW.
WRONG AGAIN. YOU'RE DOING VERY POORLY.

WELL, NO MORE FINANCIAL WOES FOR ME! I'M NOW GONNA BE DRIVING PEOPLE AROUND FOR ONE OF THOSE RIDESHARING APPS!
DON'T YOU NEED A CAR FOR THAT?
MAYBE THE DRUNK ONES WON'T NOTICE.

GUARD DUCK
PUNS
RAT
IDIO TS
CROCS
DANNY DONKEY
PRESIDENT RAT
WORDPLAY
NEIGHBOR BOB
PIG
PURITY
LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW
FAMILY CIRCUS
SHOOTING
SHOOTING
MASS SHOOTING
SUTHERLAND SPRINGS
FIFTY DEAD
SHOOTING
SHOOTING
MASS SHOOTING
VEGAS
MASS SHOOTING
TWENTY DEAD
ORLANDO
HARD TO WRITE?
SOME DAYS MORE THAN OTHERS.

PIG SAYS YOU RAN FOR PRESIDENT OF YOUR HOMEOWNERS ASSOCIATION.
YEAH. BUT I LOST.
WHAT HAPPENED?
RUSSIAN INTERFERENCE.
I SEE.
STUPID PUTIN.

GLOBAL TRAVEL AND YOU:
A Helpful Age-Based Guide by Rat
YOUTH
Have time! But no money.
NUTS
ADULTHOOD
Have money! But no time.
NUTS
OLD AGE
Have time! Have money! Have two bad knees.
NUTS
HOW IS THIS HELPFUL?
TO EXPLAIN HOW LIFE...
HAS YOU BY THE OOMPA LOOMPAS!

HEY, FATHER GUS. WHAT'S THE MOST IN-TENSE PART OF BEING A PRIEST?
WELL, IT DOESN'T HAPPEN VERY OFTEN, BUT IT WOULD HAVE TO BE EXORCISING DEMONS.
WORK THOSE BUNS!! WORK THOSE BUNS!!
HUFF
HUFF
HUFF
HUFF
I FEEL LIKE I'VE LOST YOU.
WHAT A HELLISH WORKOUT.

WHO'S YOUR FRIEND, PIG?
MY COUSIN, CORY. CORY, THIS IS THE GANG.
HI.
WHAT'S YOUR FRIEND DOING TO PIG?
I'M TEACHING HIM ALL ABOUT OUR FAMILY'S NATIVE AMERICAN ANCESTORS.
YEAH. YOU MEAN YEARS AGO.
NO. OUR TRIBE REPORTED TO EACH GENERATION AS A SET OF EARS. SO TWO GENERATIONS IS TWO EARS.
AND TELL HIM WHAT THEY ONCE DID.
WELL, OUR ANCIENT FATHERS BOUGHT A TRACT OF LAND FOR THE PROTECTION OF GNUS.
IT WAS LIKE THE GNUS WERE ALL JUST FOR GNUS. AND THEY WERE THE FIRST TO DO IT.
NO. THEY WERE ACTUALLY THE FOURTH TRIBE ON THIS CONTINENT TO DO THAT. THEN A BIG BAD MAN CAME AND THE GNUS LOST ALL THEIR LAND.
FORTUNATELY OUR FOUR GREAT-GRANDPAWS AND SEVEN EARS AGO. OUR FATHERS BOUGHT FORTH ON THIS CONTINENT A GNU NATION.
YOU HAVE LOOSED THE FATEFUL LIGHTNING OF HIS TERRIBLE SWIFT SWORD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
NO MATTER HOW I PUT AWAY MY IPHONE HEADPHONES, THEY ALWAYS GET TANGLED. SO I'M LAYING THEM DOWN VERY NEAT AND COILED SO THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN ANYMORE.
IT'S @#$*!@# SUPERNATURAL!!
NOTHING THAT A FEW HOURS CAN'T UNDO.

RAT THE PRESIDENT
WHAT'S ON YOUR AGENDA TODAY, SIR ?
ELIMINATING THE NATIONAL DEBT. HOW MUCH IS IT ?
$20000000000000.
I'M PERSONALLY IN CHARGE OF A COUNTRY THAT IS $20000000000000 IN DEBT :)
YES, SIR.
HOW BAD WOULD IT LOOK IF I RAN AWAY FROM HOME ?
BAD, SIR.

IS IT DONE?
NO. IT'S ONLY ABOUT MID-WAY THROUGH.
WHAT'S IN THERE?
A HALF-BAKED IDEA.
MUST HAVE BEEN ONE OF YOURS.

TO IMPROVE THE VERACITY OF SOCIAL MEDIA POSTINGS, I'M ESTABLISHING FIRM JOURNALISTIC STANDARDS FOR ALL OF MY FUTURE TWEETS.
GREAT. WHAT ARE THE NEW RULES?
IF IT FEELS TRUE, TWEET IT.
OH, GOOD.
AND EVEN IF IT DOESN'T FEEL TRUE, TWEET IT ANYWAYS.

LOOK, RAT...I'M PLAYING WITH WHITE IBISES. THEY JUST MOVED INTO OUR NEIGHBORHOOD.
SO DID A BIG OLD HAWK.
SQUAWK
SQUAWK
WHITE FIGHT.

HEY, RAT, I SAW THAT THING YOU POSTED ON TWITTER. IT'S NOT TRUE, AND YOU'D FIND THAT OUT IF YOU'D DO SOME QUICK RESEARCH.
OH, I KNOW.
SO WHY'D YOU TWEET IT?
BECAUSE LYING IS QUICKER.

WHERE AM I?
TRUTH IS SO 2015.

RIP RIP SHRED
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M TIRED OF THIS POLITICALLY CORRECT WORLD!
EVERYBODY HAS TO WATCH WHAT THEY SAY! USE THE RIGHT TERMS! THINK THE SAME THINGS! WE ALL HAVE TO BE SO P.C. ALL THE TIME.
SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT THIS NEWSSTAND?
I'M MAKING MY VOICE HEARD BY RIPPING UP EVERY SINGLE COPY OF THIS MAGAZINE.
'P.C. WORLD' IS A MAGAZINE ABOUT PERSONAL COMPUTING.
AND YOU OWE ME A LOT OF THEM.
HEY! WINDOWS 10 LOOKS TERRIFIC.

GREAT NEWS, SCOUT PARENTS! I TOOK 50 OF YOUR KIDS ON A WONDERFUL HIKE INTO THE WOODS AND CAME BACK WITH ALL 50!
IF YOU ROUND UP.
SO THEY DIDN'T RESPOND WELL?
PARENTS ARE SO FUSSY NOW.

HEY, PIG. WHY DO YOU HAVE A LIFE ALERT AROUND YOUR NECK?
HELP! HELP! MY LIFE IS A DIRECTIONLESS MESS!
NOT WHAT IT'S FOR.
PLEASE STOP PUSHING THE BUTTON, SIR.

HAPPY THANKS-GIVING, PIG.
SAME TO YOU, RAT. I LOVE THIS HOLIDAY. FAMILY. FRIENDS.
YEAH. ME TOO. THE LOVE. THE TOGETHER-NESS.
SCREW YOU ALL.
TOMMY TURKEY REALLY BRINGS DOWN THE MOOD.
HEY... MY HEAD AND BODY WOULD LIKE SOME TOGETHER-NESS.

HEY, SCOTTY THE SCOUT LEADER. HOW WAS YOUR TROOP'S HIKE ?
TERRIFIC. TOOK 50 KIDS ON A HIKE INTO THE WOODS AND CAME BACK WITH AT LEAST 47.
I TRY TO FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE.

THANKS FOR COMING TO THIS RESTAURANT WITH ME. I REALLY WANTED TO DO DIM SUM TODAY.
SURE. BUT I HAVE STUFF ON MY BILL I WAS NEVER SERVED.
OH, IT HAPPENS. WITH ALL THE LITTLE PLATES THEY BRING YOU, YOU'RE BOUND TO LOSE A FEW.
REALLY?
YEAH. YOU DIM SUM, YOU LOSE SOME.
YOU LOSE THEM ALL.

I JUST HAD THE CRAZIEST DREAM. OUR COUNTRY HAD GONE BONKERS. NOTHING MADE SENSE.
IT WASN'T A DREAM, WAS IT.
WAKE ME WHEN REALITY IMPROVES.

HEY, NICK AND NANCY NEWLYWEDS. I SEE YOU GOT A STORAGE POD FOR YOUR STUFF. I TOTALLY GET IT.
HOUSES IN THIS TOWN ARE SO EXPENSIVE NOW THAT THE MOST ANYONE STARTING OUT CAN AFFORD IS A MODEST LITTLE HOUSE.
AND IT DOESN'T EVEN FIT THE STUFF YOU HAD IN YOUR APARTMENT, SO YOU HAVE TO GO AND RENT A STORAGE UNIT FOR IT.
YOU'RE LIVING IN IT AREN'T YOU?
YEP.
BINGO.
THIS ECONOMY HAS ISSUES.
WE'RE GONNA SHOWER WITH YOUR HOSE.

I HEARD YOU TOOK NEIGHBOR BOB TO A COMEDY SHOW FOR HIS BIRTHDAY. HOW'D HE LIKE IT?
OH, MAN. HE JUST DIED LAUGHING.
HA HA. WELL, THAT'S GREAT.
IT'S GREAT HE LAUGHED SO HARD THAT HE CHOKED ON A PEANUT AND NOW HIS WIFE'S A WIDOW?
NO... WAIT...
WHAT?
TOO SOON, GOAT. TOO SOON.