Pearls Before Swine | Search

Step 1
Fake death.
Ugh.
I’m dead.
Step 2
Re-appear!
I'M OK! WHOA!
Step 3
Die for real.
R.I.P.
Do you think he's really dead?
Step 4
No one believes you.
Nope.
Step 5
YOU ARE IMMORTAL!
“IMMORTALITY IN FIVE EASY STEPS!”
ANOTHER WAY IS TO ACHIEVE SOMETHING GREAT.
TOO MUCH EFFORT.

IN THE NEWS TODAY, BAD THINGS HAPPENED.
MOSTLY BECAUSE A GOOD CHUNK OF THE POPULATION IS NOW NUTS.
THAT DEPRESSES ME.
SO I'M GONNA GO DRINK AND PRETEND NONE OF THIS IS HAPPENING.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS AN OPTION.

HEY, FATHER GUS... DOES GOD WANT US TO BE VEGETARIANS?
I THINK SO, MY SON, FOR ALL ANIMALS ARE GOD'S CREATURES AND DESERVE LOVE AND KINDNESS AND A LONG LIFE.
THAT'S A PULLED PORK SANDWICH.
EXCEPT FOR PIGS, BECAUSE SOMETHING THAT TASTY HAS NO RIGHT TO LIVE.
I SEE.
THINK OF THEM AS DOOMED LITTLE BACON MACHINES.
HEY, WHAT SMELLS SO TASTY?

DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE RESTAURANT WE'RE LOOKING FOR IS?
OF COURSE. I'M USING THE G.P.S. ON MY PHONE.
WHOA. WAIT. I JUST LOST ALL CELL SERVICE.
IT IS NOW HOPELESS. I WILL LIE ON THE SIDEWALK AND DIE.
THE RESTAURANT'S RIGHT THERE.
CAN'T HEAR YOU. DOOMED.

How much money do you think you need to be happy?
Ten million dollars. That'd be enough for a mansion, a vacation house, and a fleet of fancy cars.
How 'bout you, pig?
Enough for pizza and a couch.
It's hard not to like you, pig.
If he gets a pizza, I get a pizza.
Can I get extra for a puppy?

HI. WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
STEAK, MEDIUM-WELL AND A SALAD WITH BLUE CHEESE. AND A LARGE ORDER OF CURLY FRIES.
YOU'RE NOT WRITING ANY OF THIS DOWN.
YEAH, I JUST MEMORIZE IT.
THAT MAKES ME NERVOUS YOU'LL FORGET SOMETHING. PLEASE WRITE IT DOWN.
OKAY, LEMME SEE TO MAKE SURE YOU GOT IT RIGHT.
SPIT IN UPTIGHT GUY'S FOOD.
PERHAPS WE SHOULD EAT SOMEPLACE ELSE.

THIS BAG OF COOKIES JUST RIPPED APART. NOW WHAT DO I DO? ALL THE COOKIES ARE GONNA GO STALE.
JUST PUT THEM IN A SEALED PLASTIC BAG.
OR EAT THEM ALL.
IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

HEY, PIG. THERE'S A NEW POLAR BEAR IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD WHO SAYS HE WANTS TO DO A LITTLE MEET AND GREET WITH YOU.
MEAT.
GREET.
WE SHOULD KEEP THE DOOR LOCKED.

HEY, JEFF THE CYCLIST, ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT OUR ENVIRON-MENT BEING DESTROYED AND ALL OF US DYING?
NO. BECAUSE BEFORE THAT HAPPENS, THERE WILL BE THE RAPTURE.
THE RAPTURE?
YES. THE DAY ALL THE CYCLISTS ARE TAKEN TO HEAVEN.
GOD ONLY SAVES THE CYCLISTS?
HE LOVES US BEST.
NOW I DON'T WANT TO GO TO HEAVEN.

HEY, GOAT, I'M WRITING A REPORT ON BLUE ZONES. WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THEM?
WELL, THEY'RE PARTS OF THE WORLD WHERE PEOPLE LIVE THE LONGEST. SCIENTISTS STUDY THEM TO DETERMINE WHAT FACTORS CONTRIBUTE TO THE PEOPLE'S LONGEVITY.
THANKS.
Not the birthplace of the Blue Man Group.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
PROPOSING A NEW TEAM FOR PRO BASEBALL - THE 'NADIAS'. THEY'D BE NAMED FOR THE FAMED GYMNAST, NADIA COMANECI, AND WOULD BE AN INSPIRATION FOR GIRLS EVERYWHERE.
FINE. BUT YOU NEED A SHORTER NAME THAT FANS CAN USE WHEN THEY CHEER. LIKE THE NATIONALS ARE THE 'NATS'.
MAYBE THE 'NADS'.
GO NADS!
STOP NOW.
WHAT? WHERE'S YOUR TEAM SPIRIT?
WHO DOESN'T LIKE 'NADS?

I'M SAD.
I WILL EAT UNTIL I'M HAPPY.
NOW I FEEL GUILTY.
BUT THAT'S DIFFERENT THAN SAD.
I THINK I KNOW WHY YOU HAVE A WEIGHT PROBLEM.
NOW I'M SAD.

Once upon a time, there was a faraway place where people only got the news they wanted.

THE SKY IS BLUE.

NO, THE SKY IS RED.

This divided everyone.

Even families.

I CAN'T EAT WITH HIM. HE THINKS THE SKY IS BLUE.

Then one day the Great Bunny O'Wisdom descended from the sky with a shocking revelation.

MEDIA OUTLETS MAKE HUGE PROFITS FROM ONLY CATERING TO THEIR VIEWERS. THIS HELPS ONLY THEM.

So the enlightened people gathered all the partisan TV hacks and locked them in the Great Cube o' Silence.

And we Americans met each other again.

HEY. YOU'RE PRETTY NORMAL.

YOU TOO. HERE'S A BURGER AND A PITCHFORK.

And we could once again get things done.

THE BILL PASSES.

But alas, there's no Great Bunny O'Wisdom.

We're all screwed.

NO HAPPILY EVER AFTER?

I LIKE TO END ON A REALISTIC NOTE

I WISHED HIM INTO EXISTENCE!

PIG'S READING A BOOK BY SOME PRODUCTIVITY EXPERT. IT SAYS THE BEST WAY TO HAVE A PRODUCTIVE DAY IS TO DO THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS FIRST.
HE'S EATING CHEESE.
WHOA... SO PRODUCTIVE I CAN'T MOVE.

A SUMMARY OF HOW PRETTY MUCH EVERY TWEET ON TWITTER WORKS...
Be outraged about this thing I want you to be outraged about.
NOTHING HAPPENS.
AND YET WE KEEP TWEETING.
DEFINITION OF INSANITY.

HEY, RAT, ARE YOU GONNA DUST YOUR ROOM?
I DUSTED IT LAST MONTH.
IT GOT DUSTY AGAIN.
SO IT'S MOCKING US.
I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT CALCULATING.
GO TO YOUR ROOM, ROOM.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
BRAND NEW ALARM CLOCK THAT THE BOX SAYS HAS A LOT MORE SNOOZE BUTTON OPTIONS.
LIKE WHAT-- TEN MINUTES? TWENTY MINUTES?
'REST OF LIFE.'
THAT'S ONE WAY TO COPE.
KISS MY PROBLEMS GOODBYE!

THE STUPID COMPUTERS NOT WORKING.
CHECK THE TROUBLE-SHOOTING GUIDE.
TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
Trouble shooting? Aim better.
HAHAHAHA
IT WASN'T HELPFUL.

HOW TO SUCCEED MORE.
Fail less.
I THINK I'M ON TO SOMETHING.

WHO'S THE GUY NEXT TO YOU?
PERMANENTLY OFFENDED GUY.
YOU SAID WHAT-I'M OFFENDED!
NEVER USE THAT WORD. I'M OFFENDED!
NEVER MAKE THAT JOKE. I'M OFFENDED!
NEVER HAVE THAT THOUGHT. I'M OFFENDED!
NEVER... EXCUSE ME, BUT WHY HAVE YOU TAKEN ME HERE?
TO ANSWER THE QUESTION.
IF A GUY COMPLAINS IN A FOREST AND NO ONE IS AROUND TO HEAR IT, DOES ANYONE CARE?
I'M OFFENDED!
PLEASE SHUT YOUR FACE.

WHAT'S THE ONE THING YOU'RE DETERMINED TO DO IN YOUR LIFE ?
GO ALL AROUND THE WORLD.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. WHERE WOULD YOU WANT TO GO ?
BACK HOME. THE PLANE WOULD JUST CIRCLE AROUND.
SOME PEOPLE LAND AND SEE THINGS.
I JUST WANT THE FREE PEANUTS.

Change
starts
with
you.
I AM KING OF THE WORLD NOW. DO AS I SAY.

I THINK RAT GOT AWAY WITH EMBEZZLING FUNDS FROM HIS EMPLOYER.
WELL, THE GUILT THAT SOMETHING LIKE THAT CAUSES IS OFTEN ITS OWN PUNISHMENT.
I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD COUNT ON THAT.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. SAW YOU SAID SOMETHING BAD ABOUT ME ON TWITTER.
SO?
SO I WILL MUTE YOU.
I WILL BLOCK YOU.
I WILL REPORT YOU.
I WILL TORCH YOU WITH THIS FLAMETHROWER.
WELL, THAT TWITTER WAR ESCALATED QUICKLY.

SCIENCE QUIZ
Please state the full name of famed astronomer Galileo.
GALILEO GALILEO GALILEO GALILEO
GALILEO GALILEO GALILEO FIGARO
MAGNIFICOoooooooo...
P.S. I'm just a poor boy.
Nobody loves me.
SCIENCE IS PROBABLY MY
BEST SUBJECT.