Pearls Before Swine | Search

I GOT A ROOMBA. I JUST TURN IT ON AND IT VACUUMS ALL MY FLOORS.
THAT’S IT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
MINE DOES MY DISHES.
NOW I FEEL RIPPED OFF.
HEY! GO WRITE MY THANK-YOU NOTES.

ALRIGHT, EVERYONE. BEFORE WE RING IN THE NEW YEAR, I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA TO REFLECT ON THE YEAR WE'VE ALL JUST HAD.
WELL, THAT WAS CATHARTIC.

Ron, can you take the kids to soccer practice on Monday?
No. That's the night of the homeowners association meeting. Why can't you take them?
I'm taking the Honda in for its 100,000 mile service.
That's due already?
Yeah, and the dealership says it's gonna cost around $1200.
How are we supposed to afford that?
THE END
A ROMANCE NOVEL SET IN THE TENTH YEAR OF MARRIAGE.
NOW SHE'S EXHAUSTED AND SHE'S GOING TO BED EARLY.
OOH... THREE CHAPTERS ON REPLACING THE ROOF!

MY WIFE AND I ARE THINKING ABOUT HAVING KIDS, BUT I DON'T KNOW IF WE SHOULD.
OF COURSE YOU SHOULD. HAVING LITTLE KIDS AROUND IS ONE OF THE GREATEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL JOYS YOU CAN EXPERIENCE.
WOW. I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT. THANKS FOR THE ADVICE.
I JUST WANT HIM TO BE AS MISERABLE AS ME.

WELCOME HOME, SON! IT'S SO NICE TO HAVE YOU HOME FOR SEMESTER BREAK.
THANKS, MOM. WHERE'S DAD?
HE COULDN'T HANDLE YOU LEAVING HOME, SO WHEN YOU LEFT THREE MONTHS AGO, HE HID IN THE CLOSET AND CONVINCED HIMSELF IT WAS ALL A BIG GAME OF HIDE AND SEEK.
Dis muss be best hiding place ever.

PIG, I ASKED YOU TO PEEL THE BANANAS FOR THIS MILKSHAKE AND YOU PLACED ALL THESE BANANAS IN THERE THAT STILL HAVE SOME OF THEIR PEEL.
SORRY. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD DO?
RE-PEEL AND REPLACE?
MAY YOUR DEDUCTIBLES BE FOREVER HIGH.

HI. I'M LOOKING FOR A LOVESEAT.
SORRY. ALL WE HAVE LEFT ARE THOSE.
YOU'RE NO FUN, CAROL.
I WANT A DIVORCE, BOB.
A NO LONGER IN LOVE SEAT.
AND MUCH MORE EXPENSIVE.

WHATCHA WRITING, RAT?
THANK YOU NOTES TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO GAVE ME GIFTS FOR CHRISTMAS.
WOW. SO SOON.>
CHRISTMAS, 2013.
SO NOT REALLY THAT SOON.
IT'S EASIER 'CAUSE SOME OF THEM HAVE DIED.

I went to a buffet and everyone got mad at me for sneezing.
Well, that's not fair. Sneezing can't be helped. Did you at least cover your mouth?
No.
No? Why not?
I thought that's what the sneeze guard was for.
Oh, god.
What's a sneeze guard for if you can't use it?

AND NOW FOR A COMFORTING ADDRESS FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
OKAY. THINGS ARE BAD.
BUT I AM YOUR PRESIDENT AND I AM HERE TO IMPROVE YOUR LIVES.
SO HERE IS WHAT I PROPOSE.
I WANT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU TO GO OUT AND BUY A DOG, A GUN AND A LARGE SUPPLY OF SPAM.
AND THESE THINGS SHOULD CARRY YOU THROUGH THE COMING APOCALYPSE.
BECAUSE IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF.
NOT THAT COMFORTING.
FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!!
SPAM!

I'VE DETERMINED THAT THE AMOUNT OF DEPRESSION IN MY LIFE IS ALWAYS CONSTANT.
HOW SO?
WELL, IF SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENS, I'M HAPPY FOR JUST A BRIEF MOMENT. BUT THEN MY BRAIN QUICKLY FILLS ITSELF WITH SOMETHING ELSE TO BE DEPRESSED ABOUT.
WHAT'S THAT LIKE?
IT'S LIKE THE AUTOMATIC ICE MAKER IN MY REFRIGERATOR. THE TRAYS NEVER EMPTY FOR LONG.
YOU SOMEHOW MADE ICE DEPRESSING.
I WANT MY COKE WARM!

ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GOING BACK HOME AND SEEING YOUR RELATIVES FOR THE HOLIDAYS?
NO. I ALWAYS FEAR HOME.
WHY IS THAT?
I'M A HOMOPHOBE.
NOT THE WORD YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.
PLEASE DON'T INVALIDATE MY FEELINGS.

HEY, GOAT. WHAT'S STOCKHOLM SYNDROME? BECAUSE I THINK I HAVE IT.
IT'S WHEN YOU'VE BEEN TAKEN HOSTAGE AND DEVELOP A FEELING OF AFFECTION FOR YOUR CAPTOR.
I SEE. THANKS.
IT'S NOT WHEN YOU SHOP TOO MUCH AT IKEA.

STRANGE BUT TRUE CONFESSION TIME:
I ONCE WENT TO A FURRIES CONVENTION DRESSED AS A PANDA.
I'M TURNED ON BY WOMEN WHO CUSS AT ME.
I LIKE STICKING MY FINGER IN MY EAR AND SMELLING IT.
I'VE NEVER SEEN AN EPISODE OF "GAME OF THRONES."
OH, YOU FREAK.
WEIRDO.
HEY! I THOUGHT THIS WAS A SAFE SPACE!
DUDE. YOU'RE SICK.
SICK.

HEY, GOAT,
WHAT'S GOING ON?
I'VE BEEN REALLY SOCIAL TODAY. CHATTED WITH SOMEONE ON FACEBOOK, COMMENTED ON SOME TWEETS, AND POSTED SOME PHOTOS ON INSTAGRAM.
SO YOU SAT ALONE.
PLEASE LET ME PHRASE THINGS MY WAY.
YOU HAD THE SAME NUMBER OF HUMAN INTERACTIONS AS SOMEONE IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT.

WHY ARE YOU SITTING IN THE TOILET, PIG?
IT'S SYMBOLIC OF HOW MY LIFE IS CURRENTLY GOING.
FLUSH
SHOULD WE CALL A PLUMBER OR A THERAPIST?

EXCUSE ME. ARE YOU READING MALCOLM GLADWELL? I LOVE HIM.
YEAH. ISN'T HE GREAT?
I FIRST HEARD ABOUT HIM ON THAT BILL SIMMONS PODCAST.
I LOVE HIS PODCAST.
HE'S A BIG CELTICS FAN.
I REALLY ENJOY THE N.B.A.
WE SHOULD GO TO A GAME SOME TIME.
SURE. I'LL PUT YOUR NUMBER IN MY PHONE.
OKAY...HERE...PUT YOURS IN MINE.
DING
DING
YOU JUST GOT A NEWS ALERT FROM...
THESE HACKS?
THIS RAG?
REMEMBER WHEN YOUR CHOICE OF NEWS DIDN'T DETERMINE YOUR LOVE LIFE?
SIT FURTHER AWAY.
EWW. DON'T TALK.

THIS GUY IS GIVING SUCCOR TO THE ENEMY.
WHAT'S THAT?
SUPPORT IN TIMES OF HARDSHIP.
INTERESTING, BECAUSE TODAY I SAW KIDS PLAYING THE GAME THE BRITISH CALL FOOTBALL, AND WHEN THEY LOST, THE COACH GAVE THEM LOLLIPOPS, WHICH WOULD BE --
NO.
A SOCCER SUCCOR SUCKER.
IT'S A CRIME YOU GET PAID FOR THIS.

THIS GIRL BROKE UP WITH ME BECAUSE SHE FELT I DIDN'T WASH MY SHEETS ENOUGH.
THAT'S RATHER SHOCKING.
THAT SHE'D BREAK UP WITH ME FOR SUCH A DUMB REASON?
THAT SHEETS NEED TO BE WASHED.
MAYBE I'M TELLING THE WRONG GUYS.
HAHAHA... BET SHE WASHES HER PILLOW CASES TOO!

WHAT'S THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN YOUR PROFESSIONAL LIFE?
STAYING POSITIVE.
STAYING POSITIVE?
POSITIVE THAT SOMEONE WILL SCREW YOU OUT OF WHAT IS YOURS.
I'M VERY POSITIVE!
NO.
ALWAYS BE POSITIVE.

JOB APPLICATION
What do you think is the best way to respond to professional adversity?
A) Relax and think logically;
B) Seek the advice of others; or
C) Work harder to overcome obstacles.
D) Cry and eat ice cream.
I DIDN'T GET THE JOB.

THIS YEAR I DID NOT RECEIVE AN ACADEMY AWARD, PULITZER PRIZE, PRESIDENTIAL MEDAL OF FREEDOM, MACARTHUR GENIUS GRANT, OR SAINTHOOD.
WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?
THAT THE WORLD IS RACIST AGAINST CARTOON CHARACTERS.
TRY AGAIN.
THAT I NEED TO START BOYCOTTING THE POPE?

I’VE NOW STUDIED ALL THE ANCIENT TEXTS, RELIGIONS, AND PHILOSOPHIES TO DETERMINE THE KEY TO HAPPINESS.
AND WHAT HAVE YOU FOUND?
GET OFF THE INTERNET.
IRONICALLY, I USED IT FOR ALL MY RESEARCH.

I tell you, Myrtle. I've had it.
What now, George?
You. Always giving me projects to do.
So?
So I want to be free, Myrtle. Free to do what I want. Free to lay around. Free to do nothing!
I want to say to the whole world, "George Couch is a free man!"
Good for you, George. Go out into the street and tell the whole world. I'll move on.
Dude. Free couch.
Hey! Hey! What do you think you're doing?
WOOHOOO!
AND MRS. COUCH LOCKED THE DOORS AND NEVER LET HIM BACK IN.
IT IS A CAUTIONARY TALE.
COUCHES NEED TO BE MORE CAREFUL.

I'VE DEVELOPED AN I.Q. TEST. HERE'S THE FIRST QUESTION… TRUE OR FALSE: SOME PEOPLE LIKE ART MUSEUMS.
TRUE.
WRONG!
NOBODY LIKES ART MUSEUMS. THEY JUST PRETEND THEY DO TO MAKE THEMSELVES LOOK SMART.
MAYBE THE TEST GIVER'S I.Q. IS LOW.
WRONG AGAIN. YOU'RE DOING VERY POORLY.