Pearls Before Swine | Search

EXCUSE ME, MR. CONGRESSMAN...
I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD TALK TO YOU ABOUT MY BANK.
OF COURSE.
THEY OPENED A FRAUDULENT ACCOUNT IN MY NAME SO THEY COULD CHARGE ME FRAUDULENT FEES.
THAT’S VERY BAD.
NOW I KNOW BANKS GIVE YOU A LOT OF MONEY AND WINE AND DINE YOU, BUT I HAVE VERY MODEST MEANS.
THAT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER...
OH...HOW SO? OH, HOW SO ABOUT IT?
YOU BET IT WILL. I’LL PUT THAT C.E.O. IN JAIL JUST LIKE I WOULD ANYONE WHO COMMITTED THAT KIND OF FRAUD AND I’LL GET ALL YOUR MONEY BACK FOR YOU.
OH MY GOD, THANK YOU SO MUCH!! WHEN DO YOU THINK YOU CAN DO ALL THIS?
WELL, LET ME JUST CHECK MY CALENDAR AND...
APRIL FOOLS!!
SHOULD I LAUGH OR CRY?
MOSTLY CRY.
AHAHAHA...HE BELIEVED IN DEMOCRACY!

HEY, GOAT, WHAT'S A BLACK HOLE?
IT'S AN AREA OF SPACE WITH A GRAVITATIONAL PULL SO STRONG THAT NOTHING CAN ESCAPE.
IS IT POSSIBLE THAT WE HAVE ONE IN OUR LIVING ROOM?
NO.
NOT A BLACK HOLE.
SO MAYBE WE JUST NEED A NEW COUCH.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS, RAT? YOU ACT LIKE YOU'RE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WORLD.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
NO.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE CYCLISTS ARE.
I'LL HANDLE THIS, JEF.
SORRY. YOU COMMONERS TALK LOUD.

I OPENED MY OWN BAR.
I'M CALLING IT "MODERATION."
SO A SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE TO BE RESPONSIBLE?
NO.
SO NO MATTER HOW DRUNK MY CUSTOMERS GET, THEY CAN TELL PEOPLE THEY DRANK IN "MODERATION."
WE LIKE TO ENCOURAGE HONESTY.

Exercise Goals For The Month:
. Run 5 miles every morning.
. Lift weights 4 times a week.
. Swim every day of month.
. Do one jumping jack while eating cheese.
I like to include one I can achieve.

SIR, WE HAVE A BAD EVENT WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH.
SEND 'EM OUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS.
OKAY, WELL, THERE WAS A SECOND EVENT.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS.
WELL, THERE WAS ANOTHER UNFORTUNATE...
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS! THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS! THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS!
AND HERE I THOUGHT WE MIGHT ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING.
TOO TIRED FROM ALL THIS PRAYING.

WAKING
MOMENTARY BLISS THAT A NEW DAY BRINGS
RECOLLECTION OF THE CURRENT STATE OF THE WORLD
RETREAT

6:30 a.m. -- Wake up.
7:00 a.m. -- Shower. Get ready.
8:00 a.m. -- Bike three miles to work.
9:00 a.m. -- Write memo for next week's meeting.
10:00 a.m. -- Prepare presentation.
12:00-1:00 p.m. -- Short break for lunch.
1:00 p.m. -- Do all sales reports by end of day.
Shoolp.
Overslept.
Not enough time to run three miles.
I’ll do it tomorrow.
I didn't run, so do I really need to shower?
I can probably write the memo tomorrow.
I'm definitely gonna have to work on the weekend now.
Might as well see what the presentation is.

I'm hungry, but I have no food.
I'll get something at the pub.
Sure, I'll have another. The wife's pretty mad I missed my shot.
I hate myself.
There’s always tomorrow.
NO. UGH. HUNGOVER.
AT LEAST PUT ON HIS WORKOUT SHORTS!!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M IN THE 'SENT EMAIL WHIRLPOOL OF WORRY.'
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S WHEN YOU SEND AN EMAIL AND DON'T GET AN IMMEDIATE RESPONSE, SO YOU RE-READ AND ANALYZE YOUR EMAIL 6000 TIMES TO SEE IF YOU POSSIBLY SAID ANYTHING WRONG.
I'LL BE LEADING A NORMAL LIFE IN THE OTHER ROOM.
'THE'... IT WAS THE WAY I SAID 'THE'!

GOODBYE, DAD... OFF TO SCHOOL.
GOODBYE, SON.
PLEASE DON'T GET SHOT.
PLEASE COME BACK TO ME ALIVE. PLEASE LET
ME HOLD YOU AGAIN.
PLEASE.

I'VE FINALLY REALIZED THAT MOST OF MY PROBLEMS ARE DUE TO PROCRASTINATION. SO MY RESOLUTION THIS YEAR IS TO CHANGE THAT ONCE AND FOR ALL.
GREAT. STARTING WHEN?
PROBABLY SOON.
THESE THINGS SHOULDN'T BE RUSHED.

NO. I DON'T KNOW SQUAT ABOUT THAT PRO. I NEVER READ. I JUST LIKE CHILLING IN FRONT OF THE T.V. FOR HOURS.
PARDON ME. BUT...
IDIOT FREE ZONE
SOME PEOPLE ARE SO INCONSIDERATE.

WHAT ARE
YOU READING
THIS GREAT BOOK,
'1,000 PLACES TO
SEE BEFORE YOU
DIE.'
INTERESTING, 'CAUSE I'M
WRITING A BOOK FOR
TEMPORARILY BLIND
PEOPLE LISTING ALL THE
CLIFFS AND LEDGES
THAT POSE A DANGER...
WHAT'S IT
CALLED
'1,000 PLACES TO DIE
BEFORE YOU SEE.'
SOME
CARTOONISTS
TAKE PRIDE IN
THEIR
WORK.
PRIDE IS
OVER-
RATED.

HEY, JEFF THE CYCLIST, WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
CITY COUNCIL. I'M PETITIONING THE CITY TO BETTER ENFORCE ALL THE TRAFFIC LAWS REGARDING CARS. IT'S VERY INFURIATING AND I DEMAND CHANGE.
BUT YOU NEVER STOP FOR STOP SIGNS.
THEN HE BEAT ME WITH GRANOLA BARS.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU WERE ABLE TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT. ALL THE CRITICISM WOULD CRUSH ME.
WHAT CRITICISM?
YOU DON'T HEAR ALL THE PEOPLE COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU?
COMPLAINING? I ONLY HEAR PRAISE. SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED AN EGO BUBBLE.
WHAT'S AN EGO BUBBLE?
WELL, FIRST YOU BLOCK ALL THE PEOPLE YOU DON'T LIKE ON TWITTER AND FACEBOOK. THEN YOU GO TO EVENTS THAT HAVE YOUR FANS.
THEN WHAT?
THEN YOUR OWN CARBON DIOXIDE AND LOVE OF SELF FORMS A PROTECTIVE BUBBLE AROUND YOU. LIKE THIS...
WHOAH.
PUSH ME OUTSIDE SO YOU CAN SEE IT AT WORK.
CORRUPT HACK.
MORON.
I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.
JERK.
YOU'RE THE WORST.
WHAT A CROWD. DO YOU SUPPOSE THEY WANT AUTOGRAPHS?

RAT HAS NEW NEIGHBORS, LYNN AND JIM.
OH, GREAT. DOES RAT HATE THEM ALREADY?
I ADORE THEM. THEY ARE WONDERFUL PEOPLE. AND I LOOK FORWARD TO A REWARDING FRIENDSHIP FILLED WITH LOVE AND MUTUAL RESPECT.
THEY HOME BREW AND OFFERED HIM AS MUCH BEER AS HE WANTS.
I SEE.
HOME BREWERS ARE GOD'S GIFT TO THE THIRSTY!!
HE ASKED THE POPE TO CANONIZE THEM.

AHHHHHA
NO FIREARMS ALLOWED ON PREMISES
RULES ARE RULES.

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT WHEN YOU GET UP IN THE MORNING, YOU GET ABOUT TWO SECONDS OF BLISS BEFORE YOU REMEMBER ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS AND ARE SAD AGAIN?
YEAH. WHY?
BECAUSE WHEN IT HAPPENS, GO BACK TO BED, SLEEP ANOTHER EIGHT HOURS AND HAVE YOUR HAPPY TWO SECONDS AGAIN. THEN REPEAT THAT OVER AND OVER UNTIL ONE DAY YOU DIE.
SO THE KEY TO A HAPPY LIFE IS TO SLEEP IT AWAY?
I THOUGHT OF IT FIRST.

I THINK I'VE REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF MATURITY.
HOW SO?
I NO LONGER CARE WHAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT ME. I DON'T THINK ABOUT IT AFTER. I DON'T STAY UPSET.
GREAT. WHAT'S THE KEY TO ACHIEVING THAT LEVEL OF PEACE?
I PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE.
HOW PEACEFUL.
THEN I JUST MOVE ON.

DID YOU HEAR AMAZON IS PLANNING TO DELIVER PACKAGES USING DRONES?
YEAH. I WAS SO INSPIRED BY IT THAT I'M TESTING OUT A HUGE NEW SERVICE.
PRRRRP
NEVER RUN WITH SCISSORS.
AMAMOM. COULD BE ANNOYING.
YOU NEED AMAMOM PRIME.
PRRRR PR
I LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY!

THINGS I THOUGHT I'D HAVE ACCOMPLISHED BY THIS AGE:
- Married to perfect person.
- Traveled world.
- Two kids.
- Successful career.
- Dream house.
THINGS I'VE ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISHED:
Knee hurts.
AT LEAST IT'S SOMETHING.

HI. ARE YOU INTERESTED IN THE PROPERTY?
UH. YEAH.
WHAT SIZE HOUSE ARE YOU IN THE MARKET FOR?
UH, LIKE THIS SIZE.
FOUR BEDROOM, TWO BATH?
UH. RIGHT.
IS THERE ANOTHER REASON FOR AN OPEN HOUSE?
MAYBE I COULD SELL SOCKS.
HAHAHA.
LOOK WHAT THEY KEEP IN THEIR SOCK DRAWER!

PIG'S BEEN WATCHING THOSE HOME IMPROVEMENT SHOWS AND NOW THINKS HE CAN TACKLE ANY HOME FIX-IT JOB.
IS THAT SAFE?
HE'S STARTING OUT SLOW. LIKE RIGHT NOW, HE'S JUST PLUNGING A CLOGGED TOILET.
HAHA... WELL, THAT'S SAFE ENOUGH.
CALL 9-1-1. I'M BLIND.

I DON'T KNOW.
NO IDEA.
YOU GOT ME.
WHAT THE @#%* IS HAPPENING TO THE COUNTRY I KNEW?

Dear Guy Who Cut Me Off On The Freeway,
You seemed very angry today.
But I'd like you to be happy. So here's a big happy face for you.
HE'S HAPPY CAUSE HE'S STANDING ON YOUR HEAD.
PLEASE DON'T EDIT MY LETTERS.