Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, RAT, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT PEOPLE COMING TO OUR FRONT DOOR TRYING TO SELL US STUFF.
YEAH. IT'S WHY WE REMODELED THE ENTRYWAY.
YEAH, BUT WHEN I ANSWER THE DOOR NOW, IT FEELS WEIRD.
WHAT'S THERE TO FEEL WEIRD ABOUT?
WE DON'T WANT ANY.

GOAHEAD. PICK A NUMBER. MAYBE YOU'LL WIN.
Okay, I'll take number 4.
NOPE. Number 15. SORRY.
GO AHEAD. PICK A CHOCOLATE. WHAT ARE THE ODDS YOU'LL GET THE COCONUT?
Okay, I'll take that one.
GYAHH! COCONUT!!!
AND THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW LIFE'S NOT FAIR.
COCONUT RUINS EVERYTHING!

OH, WOW. A BIRD FLEW ONTO MY LIGHT FIXTURE!
YES! BEHOLD! I AM THE BIRD OF BAD FORTUNE AHEAD.
OH MY GOODNESS! WHAT IS IT? MY HEALTH? AN ACCIDENT? MY DEATH?
SPLAT
THAT'S IT FOR NOW.

HEY, PIG, YOU BOUGHT A TREADMILL! THAT'S TERRIFIC!
YEP. AND IT'S GUARANTEED TO NEVER BREAK.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
I'LL NEVER USE IT.
BRILLIANT.
THOUGH I SUPPOSE I COULD BREAK SOMETHING DUSTING IT.

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THIS IS MY DOCTOR. HE'S TRYING TO LEARN WHAT NOUNS AND VERBS ARE.
YEAH. NEVER HAD MY STRONG SUIT IN SCHOOL.
HERE, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT... I'LL WRITE SOME SENTENCES WITH THIS PEN AND YOU TAKE A LOOK AT THEM.
The ewe ate grass.
The man was angry.
The dog barked.
WHAT'S WRONG?
I'M CONFUSED ALREADY.
I MEAN FIRST OFF, DO YOU WANT ME TO USE THE CRAYON ON ALL THESE? AND WHAT TYPE OF WORD IS 'EWE?'
'EWE' AIN'T NOTHING BUT A NOUN, DOC. CRAYON ALL THE TIME.
OKAY, SO NOW WHAT DO I DO?
TAKE THIS RED CRAYON AND IN EACH OF THE SENTENCES, I WANT YOU TO CIRCLE ALL OF THE NOUNS.
DON'T BE CRUEL.

Agricultural Studies Exam
Question 1:
Why do farmers place loud bells on their cows?
To prevent them from killing us in our sleep.
HOPE THEY'RE ALL THAT EASY.

STUPID FRENCH IMMIGRANTS ARE RUINING OUR COUNTRY! IT'S RIGHT HERE ON FACEBOOK!
PIG, THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE THAT'S ONE OF THOSE BOT ACCOUNTS.
WHAT'S THAT?
PEOPLE PAID TO POST INFLAMMATORY STUFF ON OUR SOCIAL MEDIA AND EXPLOIT HOW DIVIDED WE ALL ARE.
WHAT KIND OF GUY WOULD TAKE A JOB LIKE THAT?
AND THE FRENCHIES EAT ALL OUR BAGUETTES!!

HEYA PIG... I GOT OUR BURGERS AND FRIES. HOPE YOU DIDN'T MIND. BUT I ATE A COUPLE FRIES ON THE DRIVE.
A COUPLE? THAT ONE IS EMPTY.
YEAH. THAT ONE'S YOURS.
WELL, SINCE YOU ATE IT, WHY DON'T WE SAY IT WAS YOURS?
BECAUSE ON THE DRIVE, I WAS VERY CAREFUL TO DELINEATE THAT ONE AS YOURS.
SOMETHING SEEMS CORRUPT HERE.
DRIVER PRIVILEGES. WELL-ESTABLISHED FIELD OF LAW.

I JUST WENT THROUGH OUR BANK STATEMENTS AND IT APPEARS WE OWE A LOT OF PEOPLE A LOT OF MONEY.
OH, NO. WHAT DO WE DO?
WELL, I DID SOME CALCULATIONS, AND FORTUNATELY, IT LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE SOME OPTIONS.
1) ROB BANKS.
2) FLEE COUNTRY.
AT LEAST WE'RE NOT DESPERATE.
AND FLEEING COULD BE NICE THIS TIME OF YEAR.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, GOAT?
LOOKS LIKE A THANK YOU NOTE FROM RAT FOR THE BIRTHDAY GIFT I GAVE HIM.
WOW. HE'S NOT USUALLY THAT CONSIDERATE. WHAT'S IT SAY?
Dear Giver, Thank you for the ______ thing.
NEVER MIND.
AT LEAST HE HAND-WROTE 'THING'.

HEY, GOAT. I HEAR YOU'RE TAKING TRANSCENDENTAL MEDITATION.
YEAH. IT'S A VERY SPIRITUAL AND RELAXING WAY TO GET RID OF YOUR STRESS AND ANGER.
THAT'S WHAT DRIVING IS FOR.
OH.
THAT'S SO MUCH CHEAPER.
NO.
YEAH.
JUST TAILGATE AND HONK THE HORN.

WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO, ZEBRA
TO PAY MY RESPECTS TO MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT... A GUY WHO DOESN'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT...
HE'S NOT RESPECTED
WELL, I RESPECT HIM. THOUGH THERE ARE DIFFERING OPINIONS ABOUT HIM.
WELL THAT SOUNDS INTERESTING. MAYBE I'LL JUST COME ALONG AND--
BOOOO
HOW COULD YOU
SHUT UP, JUDY
YOU SHUT UP, BILL
WHY ARE READERS SO ANGRY
I HAVE NO IDEA.
THIS IS A VERY DIVIDED COUNTRY.
NEVER MIND
I STILL HATE YOUR PUNS.

IS SUCKING AN INNATE INSTINCT?
YEP. WE'RE BORN WITH IT. WHY?
JUST WONDERING WHY STEPHAN'S SO BAD AT CARTOONING.
DID YOU WORK ALL WEEK ON THAT?
NO. MY HUMOR'S INNATE.

HEY, RAT, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WALLET?
YEAH. I STOLE IT.
WHAT?
DON'T GET MAD. I HAVE A DISORDER.
WHAT DISORDER?
"I CAN'T STOP GRAKSFF UP SYNDROME."
THAT SEEMS MADE UP.
PLEASE DON'T DELEGITIMIZE MY SUFFERING.

HEY, PIG, WHY ARE YOU SITTING ON OUR ROOMBA VACUUM?
BECAUSE LIFE IS TOO STRESSFUL, SO I'M GONNA RIDE IT SOME- WHERE FAR AWAY FROM ALL MY PROBLEMS LIKE MAYBE ROME.
BUT ROOMBAS MOVE ON THE GROUND. AND THERE'S A BIG OCEAN BETWEEN HERE AND THERE.
NEVER DOUBT A ROOMBA.

STEPHAN?
YEAH?
DID YOU FINISH YOUR PAPER ON MACBETH?
I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS DUE.
DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS DUE?... WELL, THEN YOU'RE NOT PASSING THIS CLASS, AND YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO HIGH SCHOOL ALL OVER AGAIN.
HAPPENS EVERY TIME I TAKE HIM TO SEE A SHAKESPEARE PLAY.
SOME GUYS JUST DON'T APPRECIATE CULTURE.
NO... PLEASE, HELP.

HEY, PIG. HOW WAS YOUR DINNER WITH PIGITA LAST NIGHT.
GREAT. I CONSUME A LOT LAST NIGHT.
YOU KNOW, PIG. I'VE EXPLAINED THIS TO YOU. WHEN THE ACTION IS IN THE PAST, YOU NEED TO USE THE PAST TENSE OF THE VERB.
I CONSUMMATED A LOT LAST NIGHT.
MAYBE GO WITH THE PRESENT TENSE.
SHE CONSUMMATED A LOT, TOO.

THERE, THERE, SWEETHEART. THE WORLD'S A TOUGH PLACE RIGHT NOW, BUT EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.
WE NEED MORE OF THOSE.

HEY, YOU'RE FINALLY CLEANING THE GARAGE.
YEAH. TRYING TO DECIDE IF I STILL NEED THIS SCUBA GEAR.
YOU HAVEN'T GONE SCUBA DIVING IN TEN YEARS.
YEAH. BUT WHAT IF I NEED IT ONE DAY?
PLEASE. AND WHADDYA NEED THIS RACCOON TRAP FOR? IT'S BEEN YEARS SINCE YOU HAD TO CATCH A RACCOON.
TRUE. AND WHAT ABOUT THESE KEYS?
YEAH. WHAT ARE YOU KEEPING THOSE FOR?
I DUNNO. THIS ONE IS A GET INTO NEIGHBOR BOB'S BACKYARD WHEN WE LOCK OURSELVES OUT. BUT, YOU'RE RIGHT...
SEE? FEELS GOOD.
YEAH. YOU GET SO BURIED IN LIFE BY ALL THE STUFF YOU KEEP.

CITY DUMP
GUYS! COME QUICK! NEIGHBOR BOB IS TRAPPED AT THE BOTTOM OF HIS POOL. BUT HIS GATE'S LOCKED AND IT'S GUARDED BY AN ANGRY RACCOON!!!
WELL, BOB HAS LIVED A GOOD LIFE.
ALWAYS. KEEP. EVERYTHING!

Whuh you got here, son?
It's a project for my military history course. I've built different models of explosives. throughout history and labeled them (A) through (F), so people can tell them apart.
Haha… dat gud… I— Oops!
What was that loud noise?
Dad dropped the F-bomb.
Oh… I phrased that poorly.
Soap taste like @%#*.

HEY, JEF THE CYCLIST, MAYBE THE REASON WE DON'T GET ALONG IS BECAUSE WE ONLY SEE YOU AS ARROGANT. SO MAYBE WE SHOULD GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER BY ASKING EACH OTHER QUESTIONS.
OKAY.
ALRIGHT. SO WHAT'S IT LIKE TO GET UP AT DAWN AND TRAIN FOR HOURS A DAY?
VERY HARD.
NOW YOU ASK ME SOMETHING.
WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE A COMMON NOBODY?
I THINK WE'RE TAKING A STEP BACKWARD, JEF.
NO, REALLY. IS IT SAD?

DO YOU
GIVE UP
EASILY?
NO. I NEVER GIVE
UP. NEVER EVER
EVER EVER EVER
EVER EVER EVER.
UNLESS IT'S HARD. THEN I QUIT.
HOW
INSPIRING.
EFFORT
TAKES
SO MUCH
TIME.

THEY SAY THAT OVER THE COURSE OF A LIFETIME, THE AVERAGE PERSON HAS THREE LOVES OF THEIR LIFE.
I'VE HAD AT LEAST FOUR.
REALLY? LET ME LIST THEM.
1) PROVOLONE
2) CHEDDAR
3) MOZZARELLA
4) GOUDA
I THINK THEY MEAN PEOPLE.
A PROVOLONE IS BETTER THAN A PEOPLE.

LISTEN, NEIGHBOR BOB. I'M SICK OF YOUR TREE DROPPING KUMQUATS IN MY YARD. CLEAN IT UP NOW.
OH, YEAH? WELL, GOSH! YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON.
WHY'D YOU HAVE TO INVOLVE THE HORSE, BOB?
USUALLY, IT'S JUST AN EXPRESSION.
I'M GONNA GO CRY IN THE STABLE.

YOU'RE GAINING A LITTLE WEIGHT, PIG. YOU SHOULD START GOING TO THE GYM.
I WANT TO, BUT I HAVE A DISABILITY.
WHAT DISABILITY?
LAZINESS.
NOT A REAL DISABILITY.
OH, IT'S VERY REAL.