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WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG? I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO WORK TODAY.
I AM. I'M WORKING FROM HOME.
YOU'RE EATING BONBONS IN BED.
IT'S A FINE LINE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
CROSSWORD PUZZLE. THE CLUE IS "ALL-KNOWING ALL-POWERFUL PRESENCE IN THE UNIVERSE." BEGINS WITH "G-O."
GOOGLE.
NUTS. ONLY HAS THREE LETTERS.
TRY ABBREVIATING GOOGLE.

WHATCHA READING, L'IL GUARD DUCK?
THIS POLITICAL BOOK ON THE DEEP STATE. IT'S ALL VERY SECRETIVE.
I KNOW ABOUT IT.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
IT'S ARIZONA. AND IT HAS THE GRAND CANYON.
NO.
YES. I'VE BEEN THERE.

WHATCHA DOING, GOAT?
RAT AND I ARE TRYING TO REPLACE THIS ELECTRICAL OUTLET.
WHERE'S RAT?
I SENT HIM TO GET A SCREWDRIVER.
EASIEST. JOB. EVER.

HEY, PIG... WHAT ARE YOU OFFERING THAT'S HUGE?
HUGE
NO WONDER I'M SO LONELY.

THE SIX STAGES OF MARRIAGE
YOU'RE THE GREATEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
YOU'RE NOT AS GREAT AS I THOUGHT.
YOU NEED TO BE CHANGED.
YOU CAN'T BE CHANGED.
I ACCEPT YOU AS YOU ARE.
YOU'RE THE GREATEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
YOU HAVE A SOFT SIDE.
DON'T TELL ANYONE.

WAITER!
HOW CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
YES, WELL, I TOOK SOME PIANO LESSONS GROWING UP AND PLAYED A LITTLE GUITAR IN HIGH SCHOOL, BUT IF THIS PLACE IS GONNA BUST OUT IN AN INFORMAL JAM SESSION, I'M PROBABLY LEAST SKILLED AT THE DRUMS.
THOSE ARE CHOPSTICKS, SIR. NOT DRUMSTICKS.
THIS IS WHY WE DON'T GO OUT MORE.
NOW I KNOW WHY I COULDN'T FIND A SNARE DRUM.

SIR, YOUR LAST TWEET IS FACTUALLY INCORRECT AND WE PLAN ON REPORTING THAT.
I DON'T CARE.
WHY DON'T YOU CARE, SIR?
BECAUSE BY THE TIME YOU DO THAT, I WILL HAVE TWEETED TEN MORE TIMES.
SO YOU CAN OUTPACE US?
OUTPACE YOU?! I'M LIKE USAIN BOLT AND YOU'RE LIKE AN OLD LADY CHASING ME WITH AN UMBRELLA.
I'D ARGUE, BUT MY LOW MORALE PREVENTS ME.
DO YOU THINK STARBUCKS IS HIRING?

OKAY, I'LL TAKE ONE QUESTION FROM ALL OF YOU LOSERS.
YESSIR, ABOUT THE BUDGET--
FAKE TIE! CLIP-ON!
MY TIE IS REAL, SIR. IT'S--
FAKE HAIR! BALD!
SIR, THAT'S HIS REAL HAIR. HE--
FAKE TATAS! SAD!
OKAY, THIS IS OUT OF CONTROL.
THEY ARE LOOKING BIG, LINDA.

I'M THINKING ABOUT STARTING A CROWDFUNDING CAMPAIGN.
OH, TERRIFIC. TO RAISE MONEY FOR AN ART PROJECT? A CAUSE? A CHARITY?
BEER MONEY.
WONDERFUL.
BECAUSE NO MAN SHOULD HAVE TO WORK TO DRINK.
PLEASE. TAKE MY LIFE'S SAVINGS.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, PIG?
CABLE NEWS.
TONIGHT ON THE NEWS WE'LL DEMONIZE HALF OF YOUR FELLOW AMERICANS AND CONTINUE TO MAKE THANKSGIVING WITH YOUR FAMILY DIFFICULT.
I LIKE WHEN THEY'RE UPFRONT ABOUT IT.

I THINK I JUST HEARD A KNOCK FROM THE INSIDE OF OUR CLOSET.
OPEN IT.
HI. WE'RE THE KARMA BROTHERS. WE'RE HERE TO PAY YOU BACK FOR THE THINGS IN YOUR LIFE YOU THOUGHT YOU GOT AWAY WITH.
PERHAPS WE SHOULD KEEP THIS CLOSED.

HOW'D YOUR SHOPPING GO OVER THE HOLIDAY?
GOOD. I SHOPPED FOR PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING ONLINE.
I DID TOO... CLOTHES, TOYS, BOOKS.
YEAH. AND ALMOST ALL FROM THE SAME SITE.
WERE YOU ABLE TO GET EVERYTHING YOU WANTED?
YEAH EXCEPT FOR ONE BOOK FOR MY MOM. SHE WANTED A BOOK ON MEXICO CITY AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHICH ONE SHE'D WANT.
HEY, LET'S ASK FRED. THAT GUY ALWAYS KNOWS JUST THE RIGHT BOOK. AND YOU CAN GET IT FOR YOUR MOM'S BIRTHDAY.
YEAH, GOOD IDEA.
WELL, HE SURE LET US DOWN.
HOW DARE HE.

I HEAR YOU THINK THERE'S ABOUT TO BE A HUGE CATASTROPHE IN THE WORLD AND YOU HAVE A PLAN.
YES. I'M A PREPPER. WHEN IT ALL GOES DOWN, I HAVE A PILOT WHO WILL FLY ME TO A NEW ZEALAND SHELTER WHERE ONE PERSON CAN LIVE FOR TEN YEARS WITH ALL HE COULD EVER WANT TO EAT.
WHAT ABOUT THE PILOT?
I WON'T EAT THE PILOT.
OH GOOD. I THOUGHT YOU WERE BEING INHUMANE.
HE'D BE FAR TOO SCRAWNY BY THEN ANYWAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M A PREPPER NOW. WE'RE PEOPLE WHO ARE PREPARING TO SURVIVE A WORLDWIDE CATASTROPHE.
I'M ONE ALSO, GOAT... YOU SHOULD JOIN US.
SO YOU'RE BOTH PREPPERS?
YEP.
I'M A PREPPER,
HE'S A PREPPER.
WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO BE A PREPPER TOO?
WE'RE NOT ABOVE PRODUCT ENDORSEMENT DEALS.

I WATCH THE NEWS NOW AND IT SEEMS LIKE NOTHING BUT DESPAIR.
WHAT'S THAT?
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT DESPAIR IS?
THE EXTRA TIRE IN THE TRUNK OF THE CAR?
NO... I'M SADDER THAN BEFORE.
RELAX. IT'S JUST A TIRE.

HEY, PIG, WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?
MY NEW STEREO.
I HAVE THE UTMOST RESPECT FOR MY BELOVED WIFE... AND I WOULD NEVER CHEAT OR STRAY IN ANY WAY.
IT'S HIGH FIDELITY.

WHY DOES EVERYONE MAKE SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF KLAY THOMPSON AND STEPH CURRY? I'VE BEEN PLAYING ON MY OWN COURT HERE FOR AN HOUR AND I'VE ALREADY MADE 60 THREE-POINTERS IN A ROW.
I MEASURED IT. IT'S REGULATION.
A REGULATION SOCCER GOAL?

HEY, GOAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
MY BUDDY LINCOLN AND I GOT A JOB WORKING ON 'THE INCAN,' A GRAPHIC NOVEL ABOUT THE GREAT INCA CIVILIZATION.
WHAT DO YOU DO ON IT?
MY JOB IS TO PENCIL IN ALL THE ARTWORK.
AND THEN YOU JUST GO OVER IT IN INK?
NO. LINCOLN'S INKIN' INCAN.
WANT TO BE A MODEL FOR A HUMAN SACRIFICE SCENE?
NO THANKS.

THERE'S NOTHING ON TONIGHT, DO YOU HAVE ANY D.V.D.s :)
OOH, GREAT IDEA. LET'S CHECK WHAT I HAVE.
LET'S SEE... I HAVE THE COMPLETE SET OF 'THE COSBY SHOW' WHICH... OH.
I'VE GOT 'HOUSE OF CARDS' WHICH -- DARN.
WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS 'LOUIE'... DANG.
WELL, THERE'S MY COMPLETE SET OF 'CHARLIE ROSE,' WHICH -- DARN.
WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS -- DANG! DANG! DANG! DARN! DARN! DARN! DANG!
HOPE YOU LIKE 'THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE.'

HEY, PIG, YOU LOOK A LITTLE DOWN.
YEAH, I'M WORRIED ABOUT THE COUNTRY. ALL THE TRAGEDIES. THE ANGER. THE FIRES. THE SUFFERING. THE DIVISION. THE FLOODS. THE VIOLENCE.
WELL, KEEP ON FLOSSING.
NEVER TRY TO HAVE A DEEP DISCUSSION WITH A DENTIST.

I LOVE ALL THESE OLD COMEDY TEAMS... LAUREL AND HARDY, ABBOTT AND COSTELLO, THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS.
THAT'S VERY HOMOPHOBIC.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
ONE OF THEM ALWAYS HAD TO BE A STRAIGHT MAN.
WE HATE YOU.

LOOKS LIKE THE TEAM IS GONNA PUNT.
WHAT'S A PUNT.?
IT'S WHEN THEY GIVE UP BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO FAR AWAY FROM THEIR GOAL AND DON'T WANT TO RISK FAILURE.
IT DOESN'T WORK IN LIFE.
I BROKE A LIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
ART. I'M TAKING A PORTRAITURE CLASS. THIS WEEK WE'RE SUPPOSED TO DRAW VARIOUS SPIRITUAL LEADERS FROM AROUND THE WORLD.
THAT'S NOT WHAT THE DALAI LAMA LOOKS LIKE.

I GOT A ROOMBA. I JUST TURN IT ON AND IT VACUUMS ALL MY FLOORS.
THAT’S IT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
MINE DOES MY DISHES.
NOW I FEEL RIPPED OFF.
HEY! GO WRITE MY THANK-YOU NOTES.