Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, BAKER BOB... I DON'T SEE ANY GLAZED DONUTS. IS THERE ONE LEFT HERE ON THE COUNTER THAT I'M MISSING?
LEFT.
RIGHT.
LEFT.
LEFT?
RIGHT.
YOU'RE VERY BAD AT CUSTOMER SERVICE.

HEY, PIG. WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
I REALLY NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT, SO I WENT FOR A NINE-MILE RIDE.
THAT'S GREAT...DO YOU THINK IT'S HELPING?
NO. I HAVE A MOPED.
TRY A BICYCLE.
CAN I STILL STOP FOR CINNAMON ROLLS?

I AM THE MOST SUCCESSFUL GUY IN THE WORLD.
WHY DO YOU SAY STUFF LIKE THAT WHEN YOU KNOW IT'S JUST NOT TRUE?
BECAUSE SELF-DELUSION IS THE SAME AS SUCCESS. ONLY YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORK AS HARD.
TRUTH STILL MATTERS!
SORRY. CAN'T HEAR YOU IN MY EGO BUBBLE.

GOVERNMENT 101
THIS WILL BE ON THE FINALS
LETS CALL GIANT CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS WHAT THEY ARE.
THEY ARE BRIBES.
UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU THINK PEOPLE GIVE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO POLITICIANS JUST TO BE KIND.
SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN FOR YOU?
NOTHING. YOU can hostage.
That means that even if 80% of the American people support a bill, it may not pass because the money holds your Congressman hostage.
But don’t despair.
Because there’s a way to fix it.
Become a billionaire.
Because you're you.
Because you’re YOU.
THEY JUST SIT THERE AND DO NOTHING.
CAN whistle.
I WAS THINKING GET THE MONEY OUT OF POLITICS.
BECOMING A BILLIONAIRE IS EASIER.
DANCE SENSATION? DANCE!

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, I'M HERE TO ENTER THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM AND BEGIN MY NEW LIFE.
DID YOU WITNESS A CRIME?
NO. I JUST WANT A NEW LIFE.
THEY'VE CRUSHED MY HOPES AND DREAMS.

HEY THERE, PIG. YOU COMING TO THE CAFE TODAY?
CAN'T. OUR BACK FENCE FELL, SO I HIRED A FENCING COMPANY TO COME FIX IT.
EN GARDE.
THIS COULD TAKE A WHILE.

YOU GUYS STILL HAVE A LANDLINE?
YEAH, BUT THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO EVER CALL IT ARE TELEMARKETERS. HERE, WATCH.
RINGGG
RINGGG
SCREW YOU, YOU PAIN IN THE REAR!
OH.
SORRY.
MY MOM FORGOT MY CELL NUMBER.

HI. I THINK THE STOCK MARKET IS DOING VERY WELL AND I'D LIKE TO INVEST EVERYTHING I HAVE.
TERRIFIC. IT'S GOING GANG-BUSTERS AND YOU'D BE A FOOL NOT TO INVEST.
BLIP
WHAT WAS THAT?
MARKET CORRECTION. YOU LOST EVERYTHING.
REMIND ME NEVER TO SAVE MONEY.
SMART PEOPLE SPEND IT ALL ON BEER.

I JUST HAD A THOUGHT.
WHAT'S THAT?
MAYBE WHEN WE JUDGE PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET, WE DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING.
WHOA. THAT MAKES ME STOP AND WONDER.
WONDER WHAT?
WHY THAT WOULD POSSIBLY MATTER.
GOOD POINT.
HANG 'EM HIGH!

HEY, PACO PINATA, HOW GOES IT?
TERRIFIC. I FINALLY REALIZED I'VE LET MYSELF GET TOO PESSIMISTIC. BUT NO MORE. THIS IS GONNA BE A GREAT WEEK!
WHAM WHAM WHAM
AND I THOUGHT I HAD BAD MONDAYS.

STRIVE FOR PERFECTION IN EVERYTHING YOU DO
STRIVE FOR PERFECTION IN EVERYTHING YOU DO*
OR ACCEPT LESS AND LEAD A SANE AND BALANCED LIFE.
WORKPLACE MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS ARE NOT UP FOR DEBATE.
THERE'S NO 'I' IN SHEEP.

I WAS AT A RED LIGHT ON THE WAY OVER HERE AND THE GUY BEHIND ME WAS HONKING LIKE CRAZY BECAUSE I DIDN'T ACCELERATE FAST ENOUGH WHEN THE LIGHT TURNED GREEN.
DON'T YOU HATE THAT? PEOPLE ARE JUST SO IMPATIENT NOW.
YEAH... I MEAN, CAN'T A GUY TEXT IN PEACE ANYMORE?
YOU FAILED TO MENTION THAT.
TOOK SIX MINUTES TO FIND THE RIGHT EMOJI.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
AN INVITATION FROM OUR NEIGHBORS.
You are cordially invited to our anniversary party. Regrets only: 555-1212
Beep Boop Beep Boop Beep Boop Beep
I SHOULD HAVE TRIED HARDER IN HIGH SCHOOL.
WHY'D THEY NEED TO KNOW THAT?

HEY, STEPH. ARE WE STILL MEETING FOR LUNCH TODAY?
I CAN'T.
WHY NOT?
I SAT ON A LEATHER COUCH IN SHORTS IN AUGUST.
HE'S STUCK TO HIS COUCH 'TIL WINTER.
THERE ARE WORSE THINGS.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, I'M THINK- ING ABOUT JOIN- ING YOUR GYM... I NEED TO GET IN SHAPE.
WELL, YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE. WE HAVE A LOT OF BIKES, AND THEY'RE ALL HOOKED UP TO THE POWER GRID. SO THE MORE YOU EXERCISE, THE MORE YOU GENERATE CLEAN ENERGY.
OH, GREAT... AND HOW MUCH RIDING WOULD IT TAKE FOR ME TO GET IN SHAPE?
I'LL BE POWERING ALL OF AFRICA FOR THE NEXT FOUR YEARS.

WELL, MOM, DAD, I'M OFF TO FACE THE WORLD.
GOOD LUCK, SON... DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU WANT TO DO FOR A LIVING?
WELL, I LOVE KIDS. AND I LOVE BASEBALL. SO MAYBE I'LL TEACH THEM HOW TO SWING A BAT.
THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A GOOD MOMENT FOR PARENTAL GUIDANCE.

HEY, RAT, THERE'S SOMEONE AT THE DOOR ASKING IF HE CAN HIDE HERE. HE SAYS EVERY-ONE IN THE WORLD IS OUT TO GET HIM.
OUT TO GET HIM HOW?
BEAT HIM TO A PULP.
WHAT KIND OF PARANOID WEIRDO THINKS THAT? TELL HIM NO WAY.
SORRY, PACO PIÑATA.

WHERE WERE YOU THE NIGHT OF JUNE 10?
WELL...
DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS THE EASY WAY OR THE HARD WAY?
I'M JUST KIDDING. WE WERE GONNA ASK YOUR GIRLFRIEND BROKE UP WITH YOU THAT DAY. CALLED YOU A TWO-TIMING TURD.
YOUR MOOD THAT NIGHT WAS ANGRY. YOU TOOK AN UBER TO JOE'S DINER. ORDERED TEN BURGERS.
THERE YOU MET THE OTHER WOMAN, ASHLEY, WHO TURNS OUT YOU KNEW FROM THE STOLEN CAR, BOTH OF YOU SMILING.
WHICH IS SURPRISING BECAUSE NEITHER OF YOU SEEMED HAPPY AT THE JUNE 3 BECK CONCERT.
OH MY GOD SO IT WAS THAT LITTLE RAT ASHLEY THAT SQUEALED ON ME!!
NO, IT WAS ME, MARK ZUCKERBERG. I KNOW EVERYTHING NOW.
WELL, THIS IS DEPRESSING.
AND FACEBOOK TOOK OVER THE WORLD. THE END.
I PRAY THEY LIKE MY PHOTOS POSTS.

I HEARD YOUR LANDLORD IS DOUBLING YOUR RENT.
YEAH. ALL THE HIPSTERS ARE MOVING INTO THE TOWN. SO NOW RENTS ARE SOARING.
GOSH, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
WE HIRED A PROFESSIONAL TO HELP.
WE SHOULD WALK FASTER, BRAD.

YOUR PARTY CAUSES ALL OUR PROBLEMS.
YOURS IS FILLED WITH RACISTS.
YOURS IS FILLED WITH TRAITORS!
HOW DARE YOU!
SCUM!
MORONS!
GO TO YOUR ROOM! ALL OF YOU!
JERKS!
LIARS!
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BO?
I JUST FINISHED PAINTING THIS HORSEBACK RIDER, AND NOW I'M THINKING I WANT TO ADD IN HIS LEFT HAND. BUT I'M NOT SURE WHERE I SHOULD PUT IT.
SOMEWHERE OVER THE REIN, BO.
YOU ARE TO CARTOONING WHAT LICE IS TO HAIR.

GUARD DUCK! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
CLASSIFIED, SIR. BUT I'VE RE-ESTABLISHED MY BUNKER ON THE FRONT LAWN.
OH MY GOODNESS. DID SOMETHING HAPPEN??
I DON'T WANT TO ALARM YOU, SIR. BUT YES, YOU'VE HAD AN INVASION AND WE NEED TO REPEL IT.
HIPSTERS.
I'LL ACT FAST, SIR.
HURRY, BEFORE OUR CAFE HAS FOUR DOLLAR COFFEE.

I THINK I DISCOVERED HOW TO ELIMINATE HALF OF ALL MY PROBLEMS.
WOW. SOUNDS PROMISING. WHAT'S YOUR PLAN?
Talk less.
MY MOUTH IS GONNA BE SO DISAPPOINTED.

WHATS THE MATTER, GOAT?
ALL THESE PEOPLE SAYING MEAN THINGS ABOUT ME ON THE INTER-NET, AND EVERYONE YELLING AT EVERYONE. AND EVERYONE BEING OUTRAGED. HOW IS A GUY SUPPOSED TO DEAL ?
KEERPLUNK
THAT'S MY METHOD.

It seems like we are a bit divided.
YOU BIG FAT STUPID WEASEL
OH YEAH? I HATE YOU!
So here’s some advice from everyone’s favorite Rat …
Yell louder, because volume convinces.
OH … I SEE YOUR POINT!
Insult more, because disrespect opens hearts.
Scum!
Jerk!
Loser!
Listen to more of the shows that made you hate everyone. Because that helps.
THEY’RE MORONS!
ARRGH! YES! YES! YES!
For as they say, ‘DIVIDED, WE THRIVE.’
IT’S DIVIDED, WE FALL.
OH … WELL … I STAND CORRECTED.
I WILL INSULT YOU TILL I CONVINCE YOU!