Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, DAD, YOUR DOCTOR SENT YOU A LETTER. HE WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU WANT TO KEEP YOUR APPOINTMENT WITH HIM, OR HAVE HIM REFER YOU TO A DOCTOR AT A BIGGER HOSPITAL.
Me want reefer
SPELLING IS IMPORTANT HERE, DAD.
Fine. Tell heem me want beeger joint.

HELLO?
HI, RAT. IT'S ME, GOAT. WONDERING IF YOU WANT TO GO TO THAT NEW BREWPUB TONIGHT?
CAN'T.
WHY NOT?
DOCTOR SAID I NEED TO GIVE UP THE BOOZE.
OH... WELL, WE COULD JUST GET DINNER AT THAT BARBECUE PLACE NEXT DOOR.
NO. HE SAID NO MORE RED MEAT EITHER.
WHAT ABOUT FISH AND CHIPS?
NO FRIED FOOD.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT JUST TAKING A WALK IN THE PARK TOMORROW?
NO. CAN'T GO TO THE PARK EITHER.
WHY NOT?
CAN'T FIGURE OUT A REASON TO GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN RED MEAT AND BEER.
WHAT DO SOBER VEGANS DO? JUST NOT JUMP OFF BRIDGES?

HAVE YOU HEARD OF BIKRAM YOGA?
YEAH...THE KIND OF YOGA YOU DO IN A REALLY HOT SPACE. WHY?
BECAUSE PIG'S DOING IT.
HOW'S IT GOING?
NOT WELL.
I SMELL BACON.
IS THIS SAFE?

HEY, PIG. GIMME SOME MORE WHIPPED CREAM ON MY HOT COCOA.
SURE. AND STEPH, DO YOU WANT SOME, TOO?
YEAH.
WHIP IT. WHIP IT GOOD.
TRIBUTE TO AN ICONIC BAND OF MY YOUTH.
PLEASE CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES.
OH, LOOK, YOU'RE SCARING THE KIDS.

PARDON ME, BUT I WAS OFFENDED BY SOMETHING YOU SAID.
I WAS MORE OFFENDED!
I WAS EVEN MORE OFFENDED.
IS THIS A COMPETITION?
YES. NOWADAYS, THE MOST OFFENDED PERSON WINS.
THIS IS A VERY ANNOYING ERA.
NOW I BOYCOTT YOUR SMUG LITTLE FACE!

HEY, ZEBRA. LONG TIME NO SEE… HOW GO YOUR DAYS LATELY?
IT'S A GOOD LIFE. I GET UP IN THE MORNING. GO FOR A WALK. READ SOME HISTORY. LISTEN TO MUSIC. HOW ABOUT YOU? WHAT'S YOUR DAILY ROUTINE?
GET UP. CHECK TWITTER. LOSE HOPE.
YOU COULD PUT THE PHONE DOWN.
NOPE. FUSED TO HANDS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I GOT A JOB WORKING AT THIS LOCAL BOOKSELLER. HANG ON. I'M HELPING THIS CUSTOMER.
OKAY, I'VE DONE A LOT OF RESEARCH AND I THINK THIS IS THE BOOK YOU WANT.
OH, GREAT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?
BUYING IT ON AMAZON
WE LOCAL BOOKSELLERS CAN BE VERY VINDICTIVE.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
IT'S A JOURNAL OF MY WORKOUTS FOR THE LAST YEAR. MY TRAINER TOLD ME TO KEEP IT. SEE HERE WAS THE FIRST DAY...
January 1
20 push-ups
30 leg lifts
25 squats
Ran 3 miles
THAT'S TERRIFIC. WHAT'S THE REST OF THE YEAR LOOK LIKE?
Ate Fritos.
THERE WAS SOME LOSS OF DISCIPLINE.

YOU WROTE A BOOK, SON!
I’M SO PROUD OF YOU.
YAY! YAY! YAY! CLAP CLAP CLAP!
YOU'RE QUITE THE HIT, KID. DO IT AGAIN.
THAT’S THE TIMES' AUTHOR SECTION
YOUR SECOND BOOK DOESN'T SEEM TO HAVE BEEN QUITE AS POPULAR.
SORRY, KID. YOU'RE DONE.
I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.
AND THAT'S HOW I DEFINE A MOM.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, PIG.
A SWEET STRIP? CAN WE DO THIS??

HEY, GOAT, DID JIMMY THE TOWN BARBER RETIRE?
YEAH. HE GOT REPLACED BY A NEW GUY, BUT I'M AFRAID HE DOESN'T HAVE MUCH EXPERIENCE... WHY?
NO REASON.

CAN'T COPE.
SO GONNA FIND A NICE QUIET PLACE IN THE SKY.
THAT SEEMS LIKE CHEATING.

HEY, RAT. WHY ARE YOU LATE TODAY?
HAD TO GO TO A MEMORIAL FOR ONE OF OUR NEIGHBORS. IT WENT A LOT LONGER THAN IT SHOULD HAVE BECAUSE HIS WIDOW INVITED ANYONE WHO WANTED TO SAY SOMETHING TO COME UP AND SPEAK.
DID YOU GET UP AND SAY ANYTHING?
I DID.

YOU'RE ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR MY EXPIRED PARKING METER.

HEY, MOM, DAD SAYS HE'S GONNA FLY ALL OVER THE WORLD.
JUNIOR, YOUR FATHER DOESN'T HAVE A JOB. HE CAN HARDLY AFFORD TO FLY ANYWHERE.
HE SAYS HE CAN DO IT FOR FREE.
AND HOW'S HE GONNA DO THAT?
EMOTIONAL SUPPORT CROCODILE AVAILABLE

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
TRYING TO WRITE A BOOK, BUT WRITING IS HARD.
WELL, THEY SAY THE KEY IS TO JUST EXPRESS WHAT'S INSIDE YOU.
Anger. Anger. Anger.
Anger. Anger. Anger.
Anger. Anger. Anger.
Anger. Anger. Anger.
I'M NOT SURE IT'S VERY COMMERCIAL.

Achieving your dreams is the key to a happy life. So write down a dream and go for it. And when you achieve it, CELEBRATE!
Be fat and lazy.

Burt had a realization.
I am unhappy.
So he played the lottery every day for 10 years.
Until one day...
I won!! I won!!
So he went out and bought a fleet of cars.
And a giant boat.
And a huge house.
Where he had a realization.
I’m still unhappy.
Burt spent the rest of his life yelling at his money.
MAKE ME. HAPPY
There’s a lesson here somewhere.
Probably needs a bigger house.
JUST BUY MORE CHEESE!!

WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU GUYS GOING?
DOWNTOWN. SOME SERIOUS G@*$& IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN.
YEAH. SOME KIND OF BATTLE.
IT'S A BATTLE OF THE BANDS.
NOW I FEEL OVERDRESSED.
I VOTE WE BLOW UP AN ACCORDION.

HELLO. TO TRY AND START RELAXING MORE, I SIGNED UP FOR MY FIRST TRANSCENDENTAL MEDITATION CLASS. I JUST PAID FOR MY MANTRA.
YOU HAD TO PAY FOR A MANTRA? WHAT IS IT?
We screwed you good.
THAT'S NOT THAT RELAXING.

HEY, GOAT, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
I'M ORGANIZING A PLEDGE DRIVE... OH, I'M SORRY, PIG... DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
FIRST STOP... LAND O' THE DUSTY TABLES!
NO.
ALL THAT AND LEMONY FRESHNESS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I HAD TO TURN IN MY SMARTPHONE SO THEY COULD INSTALL A NEW BATTERY.
SO?
SO NOW I’M WITHOUT IT FOR TWO HOURS. AND I'M HELPLESS.
AND NOW I'M DYING.
I THINK WE'VE BECOME TOO DEPENDENT ON OUR SMARTPHONES.
MAMA, I'M COMING HOME.

I HAVE SO MUCH ANXIETY THESE DAYS. IT'S WORSE THAN IT'S EVER BEEN. I WONDER HOW OTHER PEOPLE COPE WITH WHAT'S GOING ON.
CONE OF IGNORANT BLISS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING PIG?
I JUST GOT THIS TREAD-
MILL AND I'M DOING MY
NEW TRAINING REGIMEN.
YOU'RE JUST STARING AT IT.
IT'S GOOD TO START SLOW.

HEY, STEPH, HOW COME THE CROCS HAVEN'T BEEN IN THE STRIP AS MUCH?
OH, YOU DIDN'T HEAR?
HULLOO STRIPEY.
THE 'S' WORD? WHOA WHOA WHOA. STOP THE STRIP. THAT TERM IS NOT USED ANYMORE.
WHUH?
WHUH GOING ON?
C'MON NOW... OUT OF THE STRIP YOU'RE BOTH FIRED.
BOO HISS BOOO
WHO DIS GUY? SOCIAL OSTRACISM BECAUSE YOU SAID THE WRONG WORD.
BUT HOW WE KNOW WORD CHANGE!
TOO BAD. YOU ARE NOW REPLACED.
HI, BARRY THE CROC.
HELLO. I AM MAGENTIC STRIPE OF PERSUATION.
IT'S QUITE A MOUTHFUL.
SHHH... YOU ANGER NEW SPEECH POLICE.
I'M TIRED OF SENSITIVITY TRAINING!!

WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS TO YOU WHEN YOU DIE?
YOUR HEART STOPS AND YOU STOP BREATHING.
THIS HAS BEEN AN ENLIGHTENING DISCUSSION.

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS "TINY HOUSE" MOVEMENT?
NO. WHAT IS IT?
WITH REAL ESTATE BEING SO EXPENSIVE NOW, PEOPLE ARE LIVING IN REALLY SMALL STRUCTURES THAT ARE MORE AFFORDABLE.
HOW SMALL IS SMALL?
I DREAD THE ARRIVAL OF THE PHONE BOOK.