Pearls Before Swine | Search

HELLO, SIR. I NOTICE YOU DON'T HAVE THE CROWN TODAY.
YOU SAID I'M NOT A KING, SO I DITCHED IT. BUT I STILL WANT A HAT THAT COMMANDS LOYALTY. RESPECT.
WELL, SIR HOW 'BOUT A NICE FEDORA OR MAYBE EVEN A MODEST TOP HAT OR--
BAD IDEA, SIR.
BLESS YOU. MY IDIOT STAFFER.

HELLO, SIR. YOU LOOK DIFFERENT TODAY.
YES. WELL, I FIGURED IF I'M GONNA BE KING OF THIS COUNTRY, I MIGHT AS WELL LOOK THE PART.
YOU'RE A PRESIDENT, NOT A KING.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO CAN'T CHOP OFF HEADS.
THIS WILL BE A LONG FOUR YEARS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
MY NEPHEW HERE IS INTERESTED IN HOW TO IMPROVE HIS COMMUNITY THROUGH BETTER LAWS.
SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THE WHITEBOARD?
DRAWING HIM A CHART OF ALL THE STEPPING STONES NECESSARY TO GET THE ATTENTION OF HIS CONGRESSMAN.
SEE, THIS IS JOHNNY CITIZEN, AND THESE ARE ALL THE STEPS HE NEEDS TO TAKE.
VERY INSPIRING. I WONDER IF I COULD ADD A LITTLE SOMETHING?
SURE... THE MORE I TEACH HIM, THE BETTER.
GIVE ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
OKAY, I GUESS THE LESSON IS OVER. THAT'S ENOUGH FOR ONE DAY.
WHY'D YOU LEAVE? HE SHOWING UNCLE'S LAST-NAME OFF THE STEPPING STONES.

HI, GOAT. I'M PLAYING WITH MY PALS, THE LETTERS. LOOK. THEY'RE FORMING A WORD.
THAT'S CUTE.
HAHA. IT'S THE WORD, 'LISTEN.' TALK TO ONE OF THEM.
OKAY. UH... HELLO, 'I'... HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
THE 'I' IS SILENT.

HEY, LENNY THE WISP... WHY DO YOU LOOK SO SAD?
HAD TO BREAK UP WITH MY GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE OF HER CAREER.
OH, NO... WHAT DOES YOUR GIRLFRIEND DO?
WRITE WRITE WRITE
She sells seashells by the seashore.
IT WASN'T MEANT TO BE.
OF ALL THE CAREERS!

SO I'M READING THIS GREAT PHYSICS BOOK ON DARK MATTER. IT COMPRISES 85% OF ALL THE MASS IN THE UNIVERSE, BUT WE CAN'T SEE IT.
I BELIEVE IT.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE WHEN I GET WATER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, I'M ALWAYS STUBBING MY TOE ON SOMETHING.
MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T DISCUSS SCIENCE.
HAVE SCIENTISTS TRIED TURNING ON THE LIGHTS?

DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD LET PEOPLE RUN AROUND NAKED?
NO. IT'S NOT APPROPRIATE.
DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD GIVE DANGEROUS WEAPONS TO KIDS?
NO. OF COURSE NOT.
WHAT IF THEY JUST SHOOT AT US ONE DAY A YEAR?
ARE YOU NUTS?
NOBODY LIKES YOU.

MY FRIEND JUST DID ONE OF THOSE DNA TESTS AND FOUND OUT HE'S PART ITALIAN, PART GREEK, SO I TOOK ONE ALSO TO SEE WHAT I AM.
WHAT'S IT SAY?
Bacon.
THESE ARE A REAL RIP-OFF FOR PIGS.

GOODBYE, GOAT. PIG AND I ARE TAKING OFF IN OUR EMERGENCY ESCAPE BALLOON.
HOW COME?
THE WORLD IS JUST TOO NUTS RIGHT NOW. WE CAN'T TAKE THE ANXIETY.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO GO?
DON'T KNOW YET. WE JUST KNOW WE WANT TO GET OUT WHILE WE STILL CAN.
WELL, WHY AREN'T YOU GOING ANYWHERE?
IT'S A LITTLE CROWDED.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SHOPPING ONLINE. I'M LOOKING AT THIS SITE THAT HAS A GUY OUT DOING JUMPING JACKS. IT'S COOL.
YEAH. BUT I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING SUPER RARE.
WHAT IS IT?
THERE WAS THIS BROADWAY PLAY ABOUT BRAHMINS. AND SOMEONE TOLD ALL THE ACTORS TO BREAK A LEG, AND GAVE THEM A CAST TO COMMEMORATE THAT. AND APPARENTLY IT'S FOR SALE.
WOW.
YEAH. AND I THINK I FOUND IT. COME LOOK.
WHO CARES? I THINK I FOUND THE FLASK. DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE ONE OF THESE INSTEAD?
JUMPING JACK FLASK? IT'S A CASTE CAST CAST.
WILD HORSES CAN DRAG HIM AWAY.

HEY, RAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, AL. HE'S AN AIRPLANE PILOT.
OH, YEAH? I HAVE A QUESTION.
WHY DO YOU KEEP GETTING ON THE INTERCOM TO TELL ME ABOUT THE ALTITUDE AND WIND DIRECTION AND OTHER THINGS THAT ONLY YOU CARE ABOUT?
BECAUSE I LOVE THE SOUND OF MY OWN VOICE!!
WELL, NOW WE KNOW.
IT'S ALL I CAN DO TO NOT SING KARAOKE.

EVERY TIME I READ TWITTER I'M AFRAID THERE'S GONNA BE A NUCLEAR WAR AND EVERYTHING ON EARTH IS GONNA BE DESTROYED.
THAT'S NOT HOW I LIKE TO LOOK AT THINGS.
HOW DO YOU LIKE TO LOOK AT THINGS?
THAT IF ALL THAT HAPPENS, I'LL BE DEBT-FREE.
I SEE.
IT'S MY BEST CHANCE AT A FRESH START.

HI. I'M LOOKING FOR A COT.
WELL, WE HAVE THESE COTS OVER HERE FOR GIRLS AND COTS OVER HERE FOR BOYS.
EXCUSE ME, BUT I THINK IT'S WRONG TO SEPARATE PRODUCTS LIKE THAT BY GENDER. AND AS SUCH, I AM NOT GOING TO BUY IT FROM YOUR STORE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IT'S A BOY COT BOYCOTT.
LAME AND NOT FUNNY
DO NOT GET YOUR HOPES UP
COMICS SHOULDN'T BE PAINFUL

I'M GOING TO SOME BIG, FANCY BALL IN A HOTEL.
WHAT KIND OF ATTIRE IS REQUIRED?
I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS SUCH A REQUIREMENT.
THERE USUALLY IS.
I FEEL OUT OF PLACE.

DO YOU EVER GET DEPRESSED WHEN YOU HAVE A BIRTHDAY
NO. I'M ALWAYS UPBEAT ABOUT TURNING A YEAR OLDER.
WHY IS THAT
BECAUSE IF I'M EVER SENTENCED TO LIFE FOR MURDER, IT'S ONE LESS YEAR I HAVE TO SPEND IN PRISON.
HOW UPLIFTING.
I SHOULD REALLY WRITE GREETING CARDS.

GOALS FOR THE WEEK
Accomplish 3 times as much as last week.
Last week: Did nothing.
3 x nothing = nothing

NO ONE KNOWS WHAT WE'RE DOING HERE.
SOME HAVE FAITH THAT THEY DO…BUT NO ONE KNOWS.
SO WE ARE SCARED. WE ARE ALONE. AND WE DIE. AND WE DON'T KNOW WHERE WE GO.
SO WE CLING TO MONEY FOR COMFORT. AND WE CHASE AWARDS FOR IMMORTALITY. AND WE HIDE IN THE ROUTINE OF OUR DAYS.
BUT THEY END. THE

RAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, BOB. HE WON AN EMMY FOR A T.V. SHOW.
OH. WOW.
SO HE ENTERTAINED A TINY FRACTION OF THE POPULATION IN ONE COUNTRY ON A SMALL PLANET IN AN INSIGNIFICANT SOLAR SYSTEM ON A NON-DESCRIPT ARM OF AN UNREMARKABLE GALAXY IN A UNIVERSE OF OVER 100 BILLION GALAXIES.
HE'S CRYING IN THE BATHROOM.
PERSPECTIVE IS CRUEL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
ORGANIZING GOAT'S BOOKS. HE WANTS HIS MEDICAL BOOKS FIRST, THEN HIS PHILOSOPHY BOOKS, LIKE HIS DESCARTES AND KANT.
WHAT ARE YOU CHEWING NOW, PIG?
IT'S CALLED THE HOARSE-CURING FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE SCRATCHY THROATS.
BUT YOU'RE PUTTING DESCARTES BEFORE 'THE HOARSE.'
PLEASE STOP.
KANT.

HEY, GOAT. WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I JUST HAD THE MOST HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE.
WHAT WAS IT?
I DIDN'T FINISH THIS WEEK'S "NEW YORKER". THEN THE NEXT ISSUE CAME. AND THE NEXT ONE. AND BEFORE I KNEW IT, I WAS HOPELESSLY UNINFORMED.
LIBERAL ELITISTS HAVE STRANGE NIGHTMARES.

DID YOU KNOW TODAY IS 'EAT BRUSSELS SPROUTS DAY'?
I DON'T LIKE BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
MAYBE THEY'RE AN ACQUIRED TASTE.
AS IN, ONCE YOU ACQUIRE THEM, YOU REALIZE THEY TASTE BAD?
THIS IS NO WAY TO CELEBRATE BRUSSELS SPROUTS DAY.
BRUSSELS SPROUTS: THE ONLY FOOD THAT MAKES BROCCOLI SOUND DELICIOUS

WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR NEWS NOW, RAT?
MY FACEBOOK FEED.
BUT THAT CAN COME FROM ANYWHERE.
SO YOU HAVE NO WAY TO KNOW IF THE STORIES YOU'RE RELYING ON ARE TRUE.
YOU WERE FORCED TO SAY THAT.
BY WHOM?
THE ARMY OF ALIENS THAT LANDED IN KANSAS.
NO.
I SEE YOU'RE UNINFORMED.

HEY, RAT! LOOK WHAT I GOT YOU!
WHAT IS IT?
IT'S A PORPOISE CHAUFFEUR TO DRIVE YOU ANYWHERE YOU WANT TO GO. JUST LIKE YOU WANTED.
I SAID I WANTED A PURPOSE-DRIVEN LIFE.
YOU NEED TO ENUNCIATE BETTER.

Wassup?
I'm bored.
I'm thinking about punching people.
Not once. But twice.
Biff! Bang!
Right in the bean.
Because I can.
Okay, little people, that's all I got.
SIR, I THINK PEOPLE EXPECT MORE FROM THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS.
FINE. YOU WRITE IT.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI, I'M TIMMY TORTOISE. I JUST MOVED INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD AND WANTED TO SAY HI.
OH, THANK GOD. AN HERBIVORE. I'M SO USED TO BEING SURROUNDED BY CARNIVORES, ALL OF WHOM ARE TRYING TO CAUSE ME HARM.
GIMME YOUR WALLET.
I'M GONNA STOP OPENING THE DOOR.