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RAT HAS NEW NEIGHBORS, LYNN AND JIM.
OH, GREAT. DOES RAT HATE THEM ALREADY?
I ADORE THEM. THEY ARE WONDERFUL PEOPLE. AND I LOOK FORWARD TO A REWARDING FRIENDSHIP FILLED WITH LOVE AND MUTUAL RESPECT.
THEY HOME BREW AND OFFERED HIM AS MUCH BEER AS HE WANTS.
I SEE.
HOME BREWERS ARE GOD'S GIFT TO THE THIRSTY!!
HE ASKED THE POPE TO CANONIZE THEM.

AHHHHHA
NO FIREARMS ALLOWED ON PREMISES
RULES ARE RULES.

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT WHEN YOU GET UP IN THE MORNING, YOU GET ABOUT TWO SECONDS OF BLISS BEFORE YOU REMEMBER ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS AND ARE SAD AGAIN?
YEAH. WHY?
BECAUSE WHEN IT HAPPENS, GO BACK TO BED, SLEEP ANOTHER EIGHT HOURS AND HAVE YOUR HAPPY TWO SECONDS AGAIN. THEN REPEAT THAT OVER AND OVER UNTIL ONE DAY YOU DIE.
SO THE KEY TO A HAPPY LIFE IS TO SLEEP IT AWAY?
I THOUGHT OF IT FIRST.

I THINK I'VE REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF MATURITY.
HOW SO?
I NO LONGER CARE WHAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT ME. I DON'T THINK ABOUT IT AFTER. I DON'T STAY UPSET.
GREAT. WHAT'S THE KEY TO ACHIEVING THAT LEVEL OF PEACE?
I PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE.
HOW PEACEFUL.
THEN I JUST MOVE ON.

DID YOU HEAR AMAZON IS PLANNING TO DELIVER PACKAGES USING DRONES?
YEAH. I WAS SO INSPIRED BY IT THAT I'M TESTING OUT A HUGE NEW SERVICE.
PRRRRP
NEVER RUN WITH SCISSORS.
AMAMOM. COULD BE ANNOYING.
YOU NEED AMAMOM PRIME.
PRRRR PR
I LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY!

THINGS I THOUGHT I'D HAVE ACCOMPLISHED BY THIS AGE:
- Married to perfect person.
- Traveled world.
- Two kids.
- Successful career.
- Dream house.
THINGS I'VE ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISHED:
Knee hurts.
AT LEAST IT'S SOMETHING.

HI. ARE YOU INTERESTED IN THE PROPERTY?
UH. YEAH.
WHAT SIZE HOUSE ARE YOU IN THE MARKET FOR?
UH, LIKE THIS SIZE.
FOUR BEDROOM, TWO BATH?
UH. RIGHT.
IS THERE ANOTHER REASON FOR AN OPEN HOUSE?
MAYBE I COULD SELL SOCKS.
HAHAHA.
LOOK WHAT THEY KEEP IN THEIR SOCK DRAWER!

PIG'S BEEN WATCHING THOSE HOME IMPROVEMENT SHOWS AND NOW THINKS HE CAN TACKLE ANY HOME FIX-IT JOB.
IS THAT SAFE?
HE'S STARTING OUT SLOW. LIKE RIGHT NOW, HE'S JUST PLUNGING A CLOGGED TOILET.
HAHA... WELL, THAT'S SAFE ENOUGH.
CALL 9-1-1. I'M BLIND.

I DON'T KNOW.
NO IDEA.
YOU GOT ME.
WHAT THE @#%* IS HAPPENING TO THE COUNTRY I KNEW?

Dear Guy Who Cut Me Off On The Freeway,
You seemed very angry today.
But I'd like you to be happy. So here's a big happy face for you.
HE'S HAPPY CAUSE HE'S STANDING ON YOUR HEAD.
PLEASE DON'T EDIT MY LETTERS.

WHAT HAPPENED TO PIG'S EUROPEAN VACATION?
HE HAD TO NIX IT. IT WAS TOO EXPENSIVE.
HE MUST BE KINDA DOWN.
YEAH, BUT I TOLD HIM THE WAY TO GET OVER IT WAS TO GET EXCITED ABOUT SOMETHING HE CAN DO HERE AT HOME.
IT'S LAUNDRY DAY!
IT'S LAUNDRY DAY!
ALMOST AS FUN AS PARIS.
OOOOOH. THIS LOAD NEEDS BLEACHY BLEACH!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
THIS EXERCISE TO HELP YOU BE MORE SUCCESSFUL IN LIFE. YOU START BY WRITING DOWN WHAT, IF ANYTHING, YOUR FAILURES MIGHT HAVE IN COMMON.
Me.
THAT SOLVES THAT.

TODAY IS GONNA BE CRAP. CRAP. CRAP. TERRIBLE. AWFUL. CRAP.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SETTING THE BAR FOR TODAY SO LOW THAT WHATEVER HAPPENS WILL BE A PLEASANT SURPRISE.
THAT'S ONE WAY TO DO IT.
HEY, RAT, I CRASHED THE CAR.
WAY TO GO!

WORK EMAIL
Inbox (325)
To: aRobinson5342@
From: pearlscomic@gmail.com
Subject: Insurance
Sounds good. Let's do it for this year.
To: Robinson5342@
From: pearlscomic@gmail.com
Subject: Speaking
Sure. Do we want to meet on the...
To: DSimons4827@
From: pearlscomic@gmail.com
Subject: Scheduling
We really want him to...
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IT WAS THE ONLY SENSIBLE SOLUTION.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S HOW E-MAIL WORKS.
LET THAT BE A LESSON.
E-MAIL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
RE-WATCHING MY TEAM'S LOSS IN THE SUPER BOWL.
WHAT FOR?
IN THE HOPE THAT THIS ONE PLAY GOES DIFFERENTLY.
GOOD LUCK.
THAT INTERCEPTION HAPPENED AGAIN!

MY EMPLOYER IS HAVING THEIR WEEKLY MEETING WHERE THEY ENCOURAGE THE FREE FLOW OF IDEAS.
SO WHY AREN'T YOU THERE?
BECAUSE IN A FREE FLOW OF IDEAS, I AM LIKE A HAIRBALL.
I SEE.
IF I GO, I HAVE TO BRING DRANO.

IF YOU HAD TO COMMIT ONE CRIME THAT YOU KNEW YOU COULD GET AWAY WITH, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I'D STEAL DISPOSABLE WHITE COLLARS.
WHY THOSE?
BECAUSE IT'S EASIER TO GET AWAY WITH WHITE COLLAR CRIME.
STUPID JOKES ARE NOW A FELONY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I GOT A JOB MAKING ROAD SIGNS FOR THE COUNTY. THEY'VE GIVEN ME A LOT OF LEEWAY TO MAKE THE SIGNS THAT ARE THE MOST NECESSARY.
DON'T DRIVE IN A WAY THAT WILL MAKE ME WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD.
THAT SEEMS AGGRESSIVE.
IT'S THE MOST NECESSARY OF ALL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
RAT GOT ME A C.D. OF AMBIENT SOUNDS TO LISTEN TO WHILE I MEDITATE, SO I THOUGHT I'D GIVE IT A TRY.
THIS BILL IS AN INSULT TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE!
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!
THE GENTLEMAN IS OUT OF ORDER!
THIS IS AN ABSOLUTE EMBARRASSMENT!
I WILL NOT YIELD MY TIME!
I'M NOT ENJOYING THE SOUNDS OF CONGRESS.

I WAS JUST IN PERU AND I SAW ALL THESE PARADES THEY HAD AS PART OF RELIGIOUS HOLIDAYS.
WHY HAVE A PARADE?
BECAUSE WHAT THEY'RE COMMEMORATING MEANS A LOT TO THEM. WOULDN'T YOU HAVE A PARADE FOR SOMETHING THAT WAS THAT SPECIAL TO YOU?
GOD BLESS BEER
I JUST THOUGHT OF A RELIGIOUS HOLIDAY.
I'M GUESSING YOU DIDN'T.

A PLEA FOR TOGETHERNESS
FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND, WE ALL NEED TO COME TOGETHER AS ONE.
ALL RACES
ALL CREEDS
ALL SEXUAL ORIENTATIONS
ALL NATIONALITIES
ALL WELCOME TO JOIN TOGETHER IN COMMON CAUSE FOR PEACE AND GLOBAL HARMONY
EXCEPT FOR GUYS WITH MAN BUNS
SO MUCH FOR THE HARMONY
THERE ARE LIMITS
NECKBEARDS ARE NEXT!!

PIG IS SUCH A BIG FAN OF THE N.B.A. THAT HE GOT A JOB DOING COLOR COMMENTARY.
OH, HE'LL BE GREAT.
THE BALL IS BROWN. THE RIM IS ORANGE. THE SEATS ARE BLUE.
THIS COULD BE A LONG GAME.

HEY, STEPH. I HEARD A RUMOR THAT YOU'RE SORT OF AN EXPERT ON THE TAPIR AND THAT YOU DO A LOT OF RESEARCH ON THE ANIMAL IN SOUTH AMERICA.
WELL, I USED TO. BUT MY PASSION FOR THE ANIMAL ISN'T QUITE THE SAME THESE DAYS.
IT'S STARTED TO DECLINE?
TAPIR OFF.
I TAPERED HIM OFF.

“Let’s tear all our clothes off,” yelled Anna.
“Yes!” answered Bob...
“Because all of our clothing has been exposed to bubonic plague.”
THAT'S WHERE I THINK IT LOSES SOMETHING.

LOOK AT THAT CHARMING WOMAN OVER THERE. SHE HAS SUCH A WINSOME SMILE.
SORRY, PIG. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WORD MEANS?
YES.
YOU WIN SOME, YOU LOSE SOME.
NO.
TRUE. I NEVER WIN ANYTHING.