Pearls Before Swine | Search

I THINK I'LL CONSIDER MY LIFE A SUCCESS IF WHEN I DIE, I LEAVE THIS WORLD WITH NO REGRETS.
OH, I'LL HAVE REGRETS.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE THERE WILL BE CHEESE LEFT IN THE WORLD THAT I HAVEN'T CONSUMED.
A TRAGEDY.
I CAN ONLY PRAY THAT HEAVEN IS ONE BIG CHEESE FACTORY.

GREETINGS, RAT. WONDERING IF YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND ON MUSIC LESSONS.
LISTEN, FRANZ THE PUNNING PROFESSOR OF MUSIC... YOU GET AWAY FROM MY HOUSE.
WHAT'D I DO?
YOU WANT THE WHOLE LIZST?
YES. THE WHOLE LIZST.
STOP IT NOW.

HEY, RAT, I'M TRYING TO DETERMINE THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS TO USE THIS YEAR. CAN YOU GO OUTSIDE AND LET ME KNOW IF I SHOULD TURN ON MORE OR LESS?
OKAY.
BUT I'M VERY SENSITIVE ABOUT IT, SO TRY TO BE KIND!
WELL?
MORE ON! MORE ON!
THAT HURTS.

YESS!! WE FINALLY GOT TO THE QUARTERBACK!!
WAIT. THERE'S A FLAG.
PERSONAL FOUL. DEFENSE.
ROUGHING THE PASSER. NOT PHYSICALLY, BUT EMOTIONALLY. IN A WAY THAT MIGHT MAKE HIM SADDY SAD.
THE N.F.L.'S CHANGED.

HUH?
PANCAKES ARE THE ANSWER.
TO WHAT QUESTION?
WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT ALL THE AWFUL THINGS GOING ON IN THE WORLD.
PANCAKES ARE HIGH IN CARBS. THEY'RE SUPER-FATTENING. AND THEY'RE USUALLY SMOTHERED IN SUGAR. HOW CAN SOMETHING THAT BAD HELP?
TO COVER OUR FACES. SO WE DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
I FEEL EXQUISITE.

HELLO... BEFORE YOU ORDER TONIGHT, DO YOU HAVE ANY DIETARY RESTRICTIONS?
YES.
WHAT ARE THEY?
IF I EAT TOO MUCH, MY PANTS WILL EXPLODE.
I MEANT LIKE EXPOSURE TO GLUTENS.
YES, MY GLUTES WILL BE EXPOSED.

HEY, RAT...
THERE YOU ARE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT, NEIGHBOR BOB?
YOUR BIG OLIVE TREE IS STAINING MY DRIVEWAY.
THESE NEW "STAND YOUR GROUND" LAWS ARE TERRIFIC.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA DECORATE THE FRONT OF OUR HOUSE WITH CHRISTMAS STUFF TODAY.
I DID.
YOU JUST POURED WATER ON THE PORCH.
FROSTY THE GLOBAL WARMING SNOWMAN.
NOT A JOLLY, HAPPY SOUL.

HEY, FRANZ THE RUNNING PROFESSOR OF MUSIC, DIDN'T I TELL YOU WE DON'T WANT LESSONS?
YES, BUT IT'S AN EMERGENCY. SOME HUNGRY CROCS ARE EYEING A FEMALE ZEBRA.
DO YOU WANT US TO CALL THE POLICE?
YES. BEFORE THEY MAHLER.
PLEASE KILL HIM OFF NOW.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES. I'M FRANZ THE PIANO TEACHER. I SPECIALIZE IN CLASSICAL TRAINING. I'M WONDERING IF YOU'D LIKE LESSONS.
I'VE HEARD ABOUT YOU. YOU'RE THAT MUSIC TEACHER WHO ANNOYS PEOPLE WITH YOUR STUPID PUNS.
NOT TRUE. BUT IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED, YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED.
THOUGH IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, I'LL BE HAYDN OVER THERE.
I'M ALREADY SICK OF THIS CHARACTER.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB... YOU NEED TO STOP HAVING LOUD PARTIES THAT KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT.
AND YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT WHEN YOU POINT ONE FINGER, THERE ARE THREE MORE POINTING BACK AT YOU.
CRACK
I HAD FOUR MORE FINGERS WITH OPINIONS.

We put our dog to sleep on Wednesday. She had cancer.
her name was Edee. And she was the only dog I’ve ever had.
My wife Staci would walk her every morning and stop at this corner where little school kids passed.
Even kids that were afraid of dogs would pet her because Edee was so gentle and sweet. That was her nature.
Sometimes when I was drawing, she’d lie on the couch outside my studio door and protect me from squirrels. None ever got in.
( Squirrel free zone )
She also protected me from a mallard duck. It was stuffed and not likely to do much. But Edee’s heart was in the right place.
Which is why ours hurt so much now.
So run, Edee, run, to that beautiful field where you always knew there was love and affection you gave.

Dear Everyone,
Don't be mean.
But especially don't be mean to people who are powerless to stop you.
That's just cruel.

BEHOLD! THE PERFECT GIFT FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
WHAT IS IT?
THE GOOFY UNCLE BOX.
HOW’S IT WORK?
YOUR UNCLE SAYS SOME GOOFY CRAP, YOU TRAP HIM IN THE BOX.
I’M NOT SURE THAT’S LEGAL.
DEPENDS ON THE UNCLE.
ARE THE CHAIN AND DUCT TAPE EXTRA?

HONEY, OUR CAROLER IS BACK.

LOOK, BABE, WE HAVE A CHRISTMAS CAROLER.
I'M DREAMING OF A WHIIITE CHRISTMAS...
SNATCH!
WHY YOU RACIST LITTLE NAZI.
IS IT POSSIBLE WE'RE ALL TOO TIGHTLY WOUND?
OKAY, WHY IS THE STRIP BEING BOYCOTTED?

HEY, PIG. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY PAL, TROY. HE'S AN OFFENSIVE LINEMAN IN FOOTBALL.
OH, IS THAT ONE OF WHAT THEY CALL THE SKILL POSITIONS?
NO, THAT'S JUST THE QUARTERBACK, RUNNING BACKS, AND WIDE RECEIVERS. THE REST OF US ARE JUST BIG LUNKS OF NOTHING WHOSE ONLY SKILL IS PUNCHING INSULTING GUYS IN THE FACE.
LINEMEN CAN BE SENSITIVE SOULS.

GOOD MORNIN' TO YOU, RAT.
OKAY, PERKY PETE. EVERY MORNING YOU CHIRP HELLO TO ME, DESPITE THE FACT THAT ANY SANE PERSON CAN SEE THAT I'M NOT A MORNING PERSON AND DO NOT WANT TO TALK.
GIVE ME TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS TO STOP.
PERKY PEOPLE EXTORTION IS WRONG.

I HAD THE WORST NIGHTMARE LAST NIGHT
WHAT WAS IT?
MY BUTT HAD A MIND OF ITS OWN. IT WALKED AROUND. MADE TEA. THEN IT INFILTRATED MY LIFE. TRIED TO BREAK UP FRIENDSHIPS.
WOW!
IT WROTE MEAN LETTERS. SENT RUDE EMAILS. MY BUTT TRIED TO RUIN MY LIFE.
PIG, RELAX. BUTTS DON'T HAVE MINDS OF THEIR OWN. IT WAS JUST A NIGHTMARE. YOU'RE OKAY.
RRRING
HELLO?
IT'S ME. RAT. DID YOU JUST CALL ME?
MUST HAVE BEEN A BUTT DIAL.
I NEED TO CALL YOU BACK.
BEND OVER AND I'LL KICK YOUR @$$!

I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF THINKING LATELY ABOUT WHETHER LIFE IS FAIR OR UNFAIR.
UNFAIR FOR SURE.
AND WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE NACHOS DON'T GROW ON TREES.
I WAS THINKING A BIT BIGGER.
OH, LIKE BURRITO ORCHARDS?

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
WITH PEOPLE. YOU TOLD HIM HE HAD TO BE MORE SOCIAL.
THAT'S GREAT. WHO'S HE HANGING OUT WITH?
IT'S QUITE PLEASANT.

FAKE NEWS!
THAT EXPRESSION'S OUT OF CONTROL.
SAD!

LOOKS LIKE THESE SELF-DRIVING CARS ARE FINALLY A REALITY.
I'VE HAD ONE FOR YEARS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WHEN I HOLD MY CIGARETTE IN MY LEFT HAND AND REACH FOR MY COFFEE WITH MY RIGHT, THE CAR DRIVES ITSELF.
NOT A SELF-DRIVING CAR.
TRUE. I DO HAVE TO TURN WITH MY KNEE.

Places I can go and still feel Safe in America.
Elementary school
High school
Movie theater
Church
Office
Nightclub
Concert
College
Restaurant
Synagogue
Synagogue

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB...HOW'S YOUR MONDAY GOING?
GREAT. GOT A NEW JOB THAT'S SO REWARDING THAT I ACTUALLY LOOK FORWARD TO THE WORK WEEK.
SOME THINGS YOU JUST DON'T SAY.