Pearls Before Swine | Search

WORDS o' WISE WISDOM
Some people think the key to happiness is to buy expensive homes and cars and watches that impress others.
But it doesn't impress others.
It just makes them resentful.
Because they are just as self-centered.
And unless they are being given that house or car or watch, they really don't care.
So if you want true happiness in your life, don't waste your money trying to impress others.
Give it to me.
SO I CAN DOMINATE THE WORLD
NOT WHERE I THOUGHT THAT WAS GOING.
SOMEONE HAS TO DOMINATE THE WORLD.
YOU, SIR, HAVE CONVINCED ME!

Dear Rat,
I want to be great.
How do I go about it?
Well, greatness is relative.
So belittle others.
I HAVE A KNACK FOR THIS.

HEY, PIG, I JUST GOT THE BILL FROM THAT HOTEL WE STAYED AT AND IT HAS FIFTY DOLLARS WORTH OF PURCHASES FROM THE MINI-BAR.
YEAH. IT HAD CANDY BARS.
SO?
SO IF SOMEONE PUTS CANDY BARS IN YOUR HOTEL ROOM, YOUR MOUTH FORCES YOU TO EAT THEM.
THERE'S SOMETHING CALLED SELF-CONTROL.
NOT WHEN YOUR MOUTH TAKES YOU HOSTAGE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE KINDEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR OTHERS?
WELL, IT'S HARD AND TAKES A LOT OF PATIENCE, BUT I THINK IT'S TO ACCEPT OTHER PEOPLE FOR WHO THEY ARE.
I ACCEPT YOU FOR THE IDIOT YOU ARE.
NOT THAT HARD.
AWWWWW ACCEPTANCE!

YEARS AGO, IF I WANTED TO HAVE MY IDEAS HEARD, IT WAS HARD BECAUSE AN EDITOR WOULD HAVE TO AGREE TO PUBLISH THEM.
BUT THEN CAME THE INTERNET, AND WE ALL SUDDENLY HAD A VOICE.
IT MAY BE JUST A RUMOR, BUT IT SOUNDS TRUE TO ME.
JUST BOYCOTT HIS @#!*% BLACK.
IT'S THE WORST SEASON HE HAS EVER MADE.
DIE, $%@#
YOU RACIST &*)(*%
WHAT YOU THINK, FOOL
MAYBE EDITORS WERE GOOD.

HEY, LOOK, IT'S JOJO JOURNALIST. HE TRIES SO HARD TO INFORM PEOPLE, BUT HARDLY ANYONE SEEMS TO CARE ANYMORE.
YEAH, AND FOR SOME REASON, HE LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR.
GOOD GRIEF.
DON'T FALL FOR THE FOOTBALL TRICK!

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, PIG?
A LIST OF ALL THE STATES I'VE BEEN IN OVER THE COURSE OF MY LIFE.
OH, HOW FUN... WHAT DO YOU HAVE SO FAR?
• Emotional wreck
• Depressed
• Afraid
WHY IS THAT FUN?

YOU! STOP RIGHT THERE!
Me?
YES, YOU GOT SOME I.D.?
Yes, sir.
HAVE ANYTHING ELSE IN YOUR POCKET?
No, sir.
OH, REALLY? PUT YOUR ARMS UP.
SPREAD YOUR LEGS!
Please, sir... I'm innocent.
INNOCENT? I'LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT. THAT YOUR BACKPACK?
Yes, sir.
TOSS
HURL
TOSS
TRANSPORTATION SAFETY ADMINISTRATION
OKAY... ENJOY YOUR TRIP!
AND THEY SAY VACATIONS ARE STRESSFUL.
IT’S FROM MY NEW BOOK, "WE’RE ALL JUST SHEEP NOW."
YAAAAY! FREE WOOL FOR EVERYONE!

HELLO?
HELLO, GRETA GOOSE... IT'S ME, PIG... WANT TO GET LUNCH TODAY?
CAN'T... I HAVE TO GO TO THE DOCTOR.
HOW COME?
FLU SHOT.
OH MY GOODNESS. IF A BULLET HAD HIT ME, I WOULD HAVE LANDED RIGHT AWAY.
I NEVER KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

HEY, RAT, THE LEAVES NEED RAKING AND IT'S YOUR TURN TO RAKE THEM.
YEAH, BUT I RAKED THEM TWO WEEKS AGO AND THE TREES DUMPED MORE LEAVES.
SO?
SO I FOUND THAT DISRESPECTFUL.
HE HAS A POINT.
HOW ELSE WILL TREES LEARN?

I'VE SPENT THE LAST FEW MONTHS TRYING TO EDUCATE MYSELF ABOUT ALL THE BAD THINGS HAPPENING AROUND THE WORLD.
AND WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED SO FAR?
Remain dumb.
IT'S A SOUND COPING STRATEGY.

GEE, GOAT, I'VE SURE HAD A GOOD TIME ON THIS DATE.
YEAH, I WAS A LITTLE WORRIED AT FIRST BECAUSE... I'M SO MUCH OLDER THAN YOU.
YEAH, BUT ONCE WE TALKED, IT WAS LIKE THERE WAS NO AGE DIFFERENCE AT ALL. HEY, WANT TO GO TO THAT NEW DINER ACROSS TOWN?
SURE. LET ME JUST FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET THERE.
HAHAHAHAHA
DID YOU KNOW THAT NO ONE UNDER 30 OWNS A PHYSICAL MAP?
YES, GRAMPS, I'M AWARE.

HEY, RAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, EDDIE.
HE'S AN EXECUTIONER FOR THE STATE.
REALLY? WHAT'S THAT LIKE?
I'M STILL TRYING TO GET THE HANG OF IT.
EXECUTIONER HUMOR?
IT'S A GAS.

THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. BUT I DON'T DO THEM BECAUSE I'M AFRAID WHAT OTHERS WILL THINK.
THAT'S SMART. BECAUSE AT THE END OF YOUR LIFE, YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE TO GET THE 'LIFE APPROVED BY EVERYONE AROUND YOU' AWARD.
OH. WAIT. THAT DOESN'T EXIST.
WELL, THIS IS NEWS.
CONSIDER YOURSELF WOKE.

MY TEAM IS DOWN IN THE NINTH INNING.
WELL LIKE THEY SAY, IT AIN'T OVER 'TIL THE FAT LADY SINGS.
RRRRR RRRRRRRRAAAA
RRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRR
"IT AIN'T OVER 'TIL THE FAT LADY SINGS."
BODY SHAMING.
SEXIST.
ITALIAN OPERA REFERENCE. PROBABLY RACIST.
DESERT O' PROFESSIONAL OSTRACISM.
RE-EDUCATION CAMP.
TAKE TWO!
MY TEAM IS DOWN IN THE NINTH INNING.
I AM ACCEPTING OF THE WORLD'S VARIOUS DIVERSITY.
WHAP
HUMOR APPROVED BY THE WORD POLICE

I THINK SOMEONE'S AT THE DOOR.
YEAH... IT'S MY FRIEND, 'TOO CLOSE'.
WHY'S HE CALLED THAT?
HE'S ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE THAT JUST STANDS A BIT TOO CLOSE WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO HIM.
I'M UNCOMFORTABLE.

HOW DO YOU STAY SO HAPPY ALL THE TIME, PIG?
MY HAPPINESS BEGAN ON THE DAY I STARTED ASKING MYSELF, WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO IMPRESS?
AND THAT DID IT?
YES.
BECAUSE I DON'T IMPRESS ANYONE!
THERE'S COMFORT IN PATHETICNESS.
CAN'T TOUCH ME, LIFE!

DO YOU THINK YOU TEND TO BURN YOUR BRIDGES WITH PEOPLE YOU'VE KNOWN AND JOBS YOU'VE HAD?
DEFINITELY.
WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS?
FLAME-O McGIBBONS. HE FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE.
YOU SHOULD GET THAT CHECKED.
LEAVE NO RELATIONSHIP INTACT!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M TAKING A CONFLICTS COURSE... IT TEACHES YOU HOW TO DEAL WITH OTHER PEOPLE. HERE. TAKE THE QUIZ WITH ME.
You disagree with someone. The best approach is:
(A) Persuade them otherwise.
(B) Try to understand them.
(C) Agree to disagree.
(D) Punch them in the head.
THAT ONE WAS EASY.

AND SO, YOU'D CALL FOR ONE, AND SOMETIMES THEY'D SHOW UP, AND SOMETIMES THEY WOULDN'T. YOU COULDN'T TRACK THEM. AND EVEN IF THEY DID SHOW UP THEY OFTEN SMELLED AND THE COST WAS ALWAYS A SURPRISE.
AND WHAT DID YOU CALL THESE THINGS AGAIN?
TAXI CABS.
PARDON ME SIR, BUT YOU HAD THE MOST HEINOUS UPBRINGING EVER.
WE DIDN'T HAVE $#%*&@ SMARTPHONES!!

PLAN FOR LIFE
Establish own business.
Make millions.
Retire happy.
THAT'S A GREAT GOAL AND IF YOU'RE WILLING TO WORK LONG HOURS AT IT EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK AND GIVE IT EVERYTHING YOU HAVE, YOU CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN.
PLAIN *or LIFE
*a
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PLAN FOR LIFE
Eat cheese and hope for the best.

DANNY DONKEY WAS TOLD THE WORLD’S ICE WAS MELTING.
I DO NOT CARE. I ONLY WANT TO DRINK MY BEER.
But the oceans will rise and lands will be flooded.
I DO NOT CARE. I ONLY WANT TO DRINK MY BEER.
But temperatures will go up and species will die.
I DO NOT CARE. I ONLY WANT TO DRINK MY BEER.
But extreme weather will destroy us all.
I DO NOT CARE. I ONLY WANT TO DRINK MY BEER.
Your beer will be warm.
DANNY DONKEY WROTE THE GROUP A CHECK FOR $500,000.
Wow. That’s encouraging.
NO ONE LIKES WARM BEER.
PLEASE DON’T MAKE DANNY SUFFER LIKE THAT.

HEY, NEIGHBOR AL. WE HEARD YOU BOUGHT A NEW CAR.
YEAH, A MINIVAN.
WELL, SURE. YOU HAVE KIDS.
NOPE. NO KIDS. I'M SINGLE.
AND NOW YOU'LL STAY THAT WAY.
I LIKE THE ROOMINESS!
YOUR LIFE HAS FALLEN INTO AN ABYSS, AL.

WHATS THE ONE THING YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE ?
MAGICALLY PREVENT IT.
I'VE THOUGHT THAT ONE THROUGH.

I'M READING THE STORY OF ACHILLES. HIS MOTHER DIPPED HIM IN THIS RIVER TO MAKE HIM INVULNERABLE.
DID IT WORK?
NO, BECAUSE SHE HELD ON TO HIS HEEL WHEN SHE DIPPED HIM, LEAVING IT EXPOSED. SO THEN AN ARROW HIT HIM IN THE HEEL AND KILLED HIM.
WHOA.
YEAH... WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT MYTH TELLS US?
ALWAYS WEAR SENSIBLE SHOES.
I'M GOING BACK TO MY READING NOW.
I PRIDE MYSELF ON MY READING COMPREHENSION.