Pearls Before Swine | Search

MONDAY
Hullo Junior,
How you like being away at boarding school? Dis juss Dad. U no haff to text back.
TUESDAY
Hullo.
Write back.
WEDNESDAY
Hullo.
Me cutting off you tuition.
THURSDAY
Hullo.
Dad no luv you anymore.
HE'S ON A WEEK-LONG HIKE WITH NO CELL SIGNAL.
Hullo.
Dad phone get hacked.

HELLO?
HELLO, PIG. IT'S YOUR MOTHER. I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU. WHAT'S YOUR PLAN FOR LIFE?
GO TO A GOOD SCHOOL. WORK HARD. SUCCEED.
AND WHAT'S YOUR PLAN B?
FAIL.
SHE DIDN'T LIKE MY PLAN B.

Dear life as I know it...
You changed.
Please be normal again.
WHERE DOES ONE SEND THESE?

INSTEAD OF GIVING A TAX CUT TO ALL YOUR BIG CORPORATIONS AND HOPING IT TRICKLES DOWN, WHY NOT GIVE THAT EXACT SAME CUT TO THE MIDDLE CLASS INSTEAD AND HOPE IT FLOATS UP TO ALL YOUR BIG CORPORATIONS?
WE'LL CALL IT "UP YOURS" ECONOMICS.
I'LL WRITE MY SENATOR.
YEAH... TELL CONGRESS, "UP YOURS".

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WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
GETTING RID OF STUFF ON MY PHONE I'M RUNNING OUT OF STORAGE.
YOU'RE GETTING RID OF SOME OF THE PHOTOS OF US TOGETHER ON NEW YEAR'S EVE!! I LOVED THAT NIGHT!
YEAH, WELL I HAVE TOO MANY OF THEM, SO I THOUGHT --
Are you sure you want to say this stupid thing?
Oh, hell no.
TECHNOLOGY HAS MADE GREAT STRIDES.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, ZEBRA?
THEY CALL IT A SCIMITAR. OR SAIF. I'M USING IT TO PROTECT THE CASH I KEEP IN MY HOUSE. I USED TO KEEP IT HIDDEN IN A BOARD GAME, BUT THAT DIDN'T MAKE MUCH SENSE.
WHAT BOARD GAME?
SORRY!
WELL, BETTER SAIF THAN SORRY.
BETTER IF YOU DON'T SPEAK AT ALL.

THERE ARE NO WORK HOLIDAYS IN JUNE, SO ON BEHALF OF EMPLOYEES EVERYWHERE, I'M DECLARING TODAY, JUNE 1, 'I DON'T HAVE TO WORK IF I DON'T WANT TO, AND I REALLY DON'T WANT TO' DAY.
AND HOW EXACTLY DOES THAT WORK?
YOU JUST SHOW THIS STRIP TO YOUR BOSS AND HE OR SHE HAS TO GIVE YOU THE DAY OFF.
AND IF THEY DON'T?
JUNE 1ST BECOMES 'SCREW YOU - I'M TAKING OFFICE SUPPLIES' DAY.
OH, GOOD.
SCREW YOU, I GOT A HOLE PUNCH!

THANKS FOR COMING IN FOR THIS JOB INTERVIEW. I THINK IT WENT WELL. DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS?
NO. SOUNDS PERFECT. I WORK FOUR DAYS A WEEK AND GET FRIDAYS OFF.
UH... NO. FRIDAY IS YOUR WORK-FROM-HOME DAY.
HAHA, YEAH. I'LL BE WORKING... ...ON MY TAN!
SAYING LESS IS A GOOD POLICY.

I WAS IN LINE AT THE POST OFFICE TODAY. IT STRETCHED OUTSIDE THE BUILDING.
SO AS I'M STANDING THERE, A GUY SITS DOWN ON A MILK CRATE AND STARTS PLAYING SONGS ON A BANJO.
AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED — THERE REALLY IS A HELL.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH BANJOS.
FORGIVE ME, LORD, FOR I HAVE SINNED.

THIS FITNESS MAGAZINE SAYS IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO WRITE DOWN WHAT YOU DO IN YOUR WORKOUTS EVERY DAY. THAT WAY YOU CAN SEE ALL THE PROGRESS YOU'RE MAKING.
Monday: Thought about going to gym.
Tuesday: Thought harder.
Wednesday: Drove by and waved.
I SEE WHAT THEY MEAN.

I'VE CONCLUDED THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD... THOSE WHO LIKE RISING BEFORE DAWN AND GETTING AN EARLY START TO THEIR DAY...
AND THOSE WHO WANT TO PUNCH THOSE PEOPLE IN THE FACE..
I'M FEELING THREATENED.
YOU SHOULD. WE PUNCHERS HAVE NUMBERS.

CHEESE TASTES AWESOME.
PEOPLE SHOULDN'T DRIVE SLOW IN THE FAST LANE.
CHOCOLATE MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER.
IT'S ANNOYING WHEN THE NEIGHBORS' DOG BARKS ALL DAY.
A WARM, COZY BED FEELS GOOD ON A COLD WINTER DAY.
DISCO NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED.
BEER... BEER BEER !
PRINTER INK IS TOO EXPENSIVE.
SOME MEN SHOULDN'T WEAR SPEEDOS.
THINGS A DIVIDED COUNTRY CAN STILL AGREE ON

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HEAVEN IS LIKE.
WHIRRRRR
RRR
DING!
BUT PUTTING ON WARM CLOTHES FRESH OUT OF THE DRYER HAS TO BE CLOSE.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI. I'M YOUR NEW NEIGHBOR PHIL. I GOT A TECH JOB IN TOWN AND MOVED INTO THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET. PROBABLY GONNA TEAR IT DOWN AND RE-BUILD. THE GARAGE BARELY FITS MY TESLAS. AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
IT'S A NATIVE AMERICAN NAME.
OH? WHAT IS IT?
MAN WHO WANTS TO PUNCH PHIL IN FACE.
WE'RE OFF TO A BAD START WITH OUR NEW NEIGHBOR.

WHAT MAKES SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE SUCCESSFUL?
A WILLINGNESS TO WORK HARDER THAN THE OTHER GUY. GET UP EARLIER. STAY AT WORK LATER.
SO FAILURE IS THE OBVIOUS CHOICE.
I CHOSE IT YEARS AGO.
UH. LET'S START OVER.
SO WERE SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE JUST DROPPED ON THEIR HEADS AS KIDS?

EXCUSE ME, BUT I JUST OVERHEARD THAT JOKE YOU TOLD... IT WAS VERY OFFENSIVE.
YOU TRIGGERED THE 'NO ONE CARES' DUCK.
THAT'S VERY OFFENSIVE.
INCOMING!

HEY, PIG, HOW CAN YOU BE SO HAPPY WITH EVERYTHING THAT'S GOING ON IN THE WORLD?
BECAUSE I NEVER HOPED FOR ANYTHING BETTER.
IT'S THE HOPE THAT KILLS YOU!
IS HE A MORON OR A GENIUS?
GO WITH MORON.

HEY, DAD, YOUR DOCTOR SENT YOU A LETTER. HE WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU WANT TO KEEP YOUR APPOINTMENT WITH HIM, OR HAVE HIM REFER YOU TO A DOCTOR AT A BIGGER HOSPITAL.
Me want reefer
SPELLING IS IMPORTANT HERE, DAD.
Fine. Tell heem me want beeger joint.

HELLO?
HI, RAT. IT'S ME, GOAT. WONDERING IF YOU WANT TO GO TO THAT NEW BREWPUB TONIGHT?
CAN'T.
WHY NOT?
DOCTOR SAID I NEED TO GIVE UP THE BOOZE.
OH... WELL, WE COULD JUST GET DINNER AT THAT BARBECUE PLACE NEXT DOOR.
NO. HE SAID NO MORE RED MEAT EITHER.
WHAT ABOUT FISH AND CHIPS?
NO FRIED FOOD.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT JUST TAKING A WALK IN THE PARK TOMORROW?
NO. CAN'T GO TO THE PARK EITHER.
WHY NOT?
CAN'T FIGURE OUT A REASON TO GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN RED MEAT AND BEER.
WHAT DO SOBER VEGANS DO? JUST NOT JUMP OFF BRIDGES?

HAVE YOU HEARD OF BIKRAM YOGA?
YEAH...THE KIND OF YOGA YOU DO IN A REALLY HOT SPACE. WHY?
BECAUSE PIG'S DOING IT.
HOW'S IT GOING?
NOT WELL.
I SMELL BACON.
IS THIS SAFE?

HEY, PIG. GIMME SOME MORE WHIPPED CREAM ON MY HOT COCOA.
SURE. AND STEPH, DO YOU WANT SOME, TOO?
YEAH.
WHIP IT. WHIP IT GOOD.
TRIBUTE TO AN ICONIC BAND OF MY YOUTH.
PLEASE CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES.
OH, LOOK, YOU'RE SCARING THE KIDS.

PARDON ME, BUT I WAS OFFENDED BY SOMETHING YOU SAID.
I WAS MORE OFFENDED!
I WAS EVEN MORE OFFENDED.
IS THIS A COMPETITION?
YES. NOWADAYS, THE MOST OFFENDED PERSON WINS.
THIS IS A VERY ANNOYING ERA.
NOW I BOYCOTT YOUR SMUG LITTLE FACE!

HEY, ZEBRA. LONG TIME NO SEE… HOW GO YOUR DAYS LATELY?
IT'S A GOOD LIFE. I GET UP IN THE MORNING. GO FOR A WALK. READ SOME HISTORY. LISTEN TO MUSIC. HOW ABOUT YOU? WHAT'S YOUR DAILY ROUTINE?
GET UP. CHECK TWITTER. LOSE HOPE.
YOU COULD PUT THE PHONE DOWN.
NOPE. FUSED TO HANDS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I GOT A JOB WORKING AT THIS LOCAL BOOKSELLER. HANG ON. I'M HELPING THIS CUSTOMER.
OKAY, I'VE DONE A LOT OF RESEARCH AND I THINK THIS IS THE BOOK YOU WANT.
OH, GREAT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?
BUYING IT ON AMAZON
WE LOCAL BOOKSELLERS CAN BE VERY VINDICTIVE.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
IT'S A JOURNAL OF MY WORKOUTS FOR THE LAST YEAR. MY TRAINER TOLD ME TO KEEP IT. SEE HERE WAS THE FIRST DAY...
January 1
20 push-ups
30 leg lifts
25 squats
Ran 3 miles
THAT'S TERRIFIC. WHAT'S THE REST OF THE YEAR LOOK LIKE?
Ate Fritos.
THERE WAS SOME LOSS OF DISCIPLINE.