Pearls Before Swine | Search

Once upon a time,
there were corrupt
local governments.
But they were watched
by people paid to
investigate stories.
Then one day
an internet
appeared.
And everything
changed.
And now people want
their news
for free.
So there is no one
left to watch local
government.
But that's
okay,
because
governments
will be good now.
Tee hee
hee
Giggle
giggle
EXCUSE ME WHILE
I GO SUBSCRIBE
TO SEVEN
NEWSPAPERS.
DIDN'T YOU
HEAR HIM??
GOVERNMENT
IS GOOD NOW!

HEY, WRITER PIG, WHY ARE YOU SO EXCITED?
MY BOOK JUST GOT A GREAT REVIEW IN THE NEW YORK TIMES.
CONGRATS. I KNOW JUST HOW THAT FEELS.
YOU GOT A GOOD REVIEW FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES?
AIRBNB.
YOU MUST BE SO PROUD.
LOOK... "PIG IS A VERY CONSIDERATE GUEST."

WHY ARE THERE
STAINS
ON OUR
DRIVEWAY?
THEY'RE FROM
NEIGHBOR
BOB'S OLIVE
TREE.
THE FOOL. I HAVE A SPEAR
NOW. I SHALL MAKE HIM
SCRUB OFF EACH AND
EVERY STAIN.
I REFUSE.
WE'VE AGREED
TO DISAGREE.

HEY, RAT, YOU PARKED YOUR CAR IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE AGAIN. I SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU NOT TO.
YEAH, AND I HEARD YOU.
BUT NOW I CARRY A SPEAR.
I'M WINNING MORE AND MORE DISPUTES.

FRANZ, THE PUNNING PROFESSOR OF MUSIC! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO KEEP YOU AWAY FROM THIS HOUSE? BUILD A MOAT?
OH, THAT WOULD BE QUITE THE EYESORE.
FINE... I'LL DECORATE IT WITH ARTWORK. WOULD YOU LIKE THAT...?
DEPENDS ON THE MOAT'S ART.
YOU MAKE APARTMENT 3-G LOOK HILARIOUS.

Hulooo zeeba neighba... Leesten... Me reading biology. And me learn we is different specie.
For you to live, you got eat grass. For me to live, me got eat you. Nature have name for dis.
'Bad news for you.'
I'M CLOSING THE DOOR NOW.
Hey. Me not make rules.

New Year's Resolutions
This year I will worry less.*
WHAT'S THE ASTERISK FOR?
* Provided bad things stop
happening in the world.
I'M HOPING THIS IS
THE YEAR.

ERRT ERRT ERRT

GET UP, FATTY.
DON'T WANT TO.
HAVE TO.
PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE.
YOU'LL LOSE YOUR JOB.
I HATE MY JOB.
YOU'LL HAVE NO MONEY.
WHY DO I NEED MONEY?
TO BUY FOOD.
WHAT IF I DON'T EAT?
YOU'LL STARVE.
THEN WHAT?
YOU'LL DIE.
ARE THERE ALARM CLOCKS IN HEAVEN?
PROBABLY NOT.
WHAM WHAM WHAM

MY PHONE NOW HAS THIS WEIRD START-UP MESSAGE WHEN I TURN IT ON. I THINK IT'S BEEN HACKED BY THE RUSSIANS.
EVERYONE ALWAYS BLAMES THE RUSSIANS. BUT HOW WOULD YOU EVEN KNOW?
COMRADE! EAT BORSCHT!
THEY SHOULD HIDE THEIR TRACKS BETTER.

WHAT CAN I GET YOU TODAY, PIG?
I'LL HAVE A STACK OF PANCAKES, BOB.
AND HOW ABOUT FOR-- WHY ARE YOU CARRYING A SPEAR, RAT?
THE WORLD HAS DESCENDED INTO CHAOS, BOB. IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF.
SUDDENLY, THIS SPATULA FEELS INADEQUATE.
HERE... JOIN MY POSSE.

HAVE YOU MADE ANY RESOLUTIONS FOR THE NEW YEAR?
JUST TO BE MORE RESPECTFUL OF OTHERS.
HOW ABOUT YOU, RAT?
TO CARRY A SPEAR.
BECAUSE THE WORLD'S GONE BAT-$#*! NUTS.
I SHOULD FIND A NEW CAFE.
DON'T WORRY.
I ONLY USE IT WHEN I'M ANGRY.

I'M SAD TODAY. I'M GONNA DRAW SAD PICTURES.
BUT THEN YOU'LL JUST BE WALLLOWING IN IT. MAKE YOURSELF USEFUL INSTEAD.
HOW?
I'M MAKING A FRUIT SALAD IN THE KITCHEN. GO IN THERE AND HELP.

I'M HAVING A SAD DAY.
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE SAD?
I GO TO THE GROCERY STORE AND DRAW SAD FACES.
ON WHAT?
IS IT ME OR DO THESE GRAPEFRUIT LOOK DEPRESSED?

HAPPY NEW YEAR, RAT. WHY AREN'T YOU CELEBRATING?
BECAUSE I WELCOMED IN 2018 LIKE THIS, AND IT BIT ME IN THE @$$.
MAYBE I SHOULDN'T INVITE YOU TO THESE PARTIES.
I SEE YOU COMING, 2019!

WE SHALL PICK AN ARBITRARY MOMENT ON THE CLOCK.
AND WHAT WILL HAPPEN THEN?
WE WILL SEE THAT MOMENT AS A REBIRTH, A START OF SOMETHING NEW.
NEW WHAT?
NEW BEGINNING! NEW LIFE! NEW HOPE!
BUT THE MOMENT IS ARBITRARY.
YES, BUT PEOPLE WON'T REALIZE THAT.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE WE WILL MAKE SURE THAT SAME MOMENT IS FILLED WITH ALCOHOL!
HOW MUCH ALCOHOL?
SO MUCH THAT THEY'LL KISS STRANGERS IN FUNNY HATS!
BRILLIANT!
AND THAT'S HOW NEW YEAR'S EVE WAS INVENTED.
I THINK THIS IS WHY I STAY HOME.
AWW...GUNS FIRED IN THE AIR! HOW SAFE!

LOOK, RAT! I FOUND A MAGIC LAMP AND NOW I CAN WISH FOR ANYTHING IN THE WORLD!
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA WISH FOR?
WHEN A PACKAGE SAYS "TEAR HERE", I'D LIKE TO BE ABLE TO TEAR IT THERE.
I FEEL LIKE THAT COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER USED.
I CAN NOW ACCESS MY POTATO CHIPS!!

HI, NEIGH-BOR BOB. HOW YOU DOIN' TODAY?
WONDERFUL. WORKED ON MY ROSE GARDEN. PLAYED A LITTLE VIOLIN. READ SOME SHAKESPEARE. TONIGHT I MAY TAKE MY WIFE TO A FRENCH BISTRO THAT I-
HE WAS TRIPPED YOU BLIND @#$%**@ MORON!!!
SORRY. MY KID'S PLAYING SOCCER.

IN THE NEWS TODAY, WAR, VIOLENCE,
AND SUFFERING... IN OTHER NEWS,
CLIMATE SCIENTISTS WARN WE MAY
HAVE JUST TWENTY YEARS LEFT BEFORE
COMPLETE ENVIRONMENTAL CATASTROPHE.
SOMETIMES DANCING HELPS.

FRANZ, THE PUNNING PROFESSOR OF MUSIC! I THOUGHT I SHOT YOU.
IT ONLY GRAZED ME. IN FACT, MY PAL VINNIE JUST BROUGHT ME BACK FROM THE HOSPITAL, BUT UNFORTUNATELY, OUR CAR BROKE DOWN.
SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT WHAT LOCAL TOW SERVICE DID YOU TELL ME TO CALL?
BAY TOW, VIN.
I SHOT HIM AGAIN.

THE SUCCESSFUL LIFE: A PERSONALITY QUIZ
What is the thing you're most excited about when you wake up in the morning?
The snooze button
MY MOTIVATION IS LESS THAN STELLAR.

I'M WARNING YOU, FRANZ, I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF YOUR STUPID MUSIC COMPOSER PUNS TODAY.
NOT INTERESTED IN PUNNING TODAY. TOO BUSY TRACKING THIS DODGERS GAME ON MY PHONE.
FINE. AS LONG AS WE JUST TALK ABOUT BASEBALL.
AHH, NUTS... STUPID PITCHER JUST LET IN A RUN.
HOW?
A BACH.
I SHOT HIM.

TABLE FOR ONE, PLEASE.
VERY WELL. YOU CAN SIT HERE AT THIS TABLE FOR TWO.
I’LL JUST TAKE AWAY THE EXTRA PLATE.
AND GLASS AND BOWL AND NAPKIN.
AND YOUR UTENSILS, TOO, FOR SOMEONE WHO CAN’T FIND A SINGLE DINING COMPANION PROBABLY EATS WITH THEIR HANDS.
AND HERE, HAVE A BUCKET TO SIT ON, BECAUSE YOU SURELY DON’T DESERVE A CHAIR.
THERE NOW…WHAT WOULD THE GUY ON THE BUCKET LIKE?
IT’S HARD TO BE SINGLE.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TIME OF DAY, GOAT?
IT WOULD HAVE TO BE WHEN I GET UP EARLY IN THE MORNING AND IT'S STILL DARK.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE IT'S SO PEACEFUL. I DON'T KNOW WHY MORE PEOPLE DON'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT.
BECAUSE WE'RE NOT LUNATICS!
NOT A MORNING GUY.
OH. AND I LOVE A NICE BOWL OF PRUNES.

HEY SANTA,
HOW GOES
IT?
BAD.
SANTA'S
LONELY.
WHY DON'T YOU TRY
TALKING TO THE WOMAN
NEXT TO YOU?
I SEE YOU WHEN YOU'RE
SLEEPING,
I KNOW WHEN YOU'RE
AWAKE.
MAYBE TRY
A NEW
OPENING
LINE.
IT'S PART OF THE
DARN SONG!

I THINK I'LL CONSIDER MY LIFE A SUCCESS IF WHEN I DIE, I LEAVE THIS WORLD WITH NO REGRETS.
OH, I'LL HAVE REGRETS.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE THERE WILL BE CHEESE LEFT IN THE WORLD THAT I HAVEN'T CONSUMED.
A TRAGEDY.
I CAN ONLY PRAY THAT HEAVEN IS ONE BIG CHEESE FACTORY.