Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, PIG. HOW WAS YOUR DINNER WITH PIGITA LAST NIGHT.
GREAT. I CONSUME A LOT LAST NIGHT.
YOU KNOW, PIG. I'VE EXPLAINED THIS TO YOU. WHEN THE ACTION IS IN THE PAST, YOU NEED TO USE THE PAST TENSE OF THE VERB.
I CONSUMMATED A LOT LAST NIGHT.
MAYBE GO WITH THE PRESENT TENSE.
SHE CONSUMMATED A LOT, TOO.

THERE, THERE, SWEETHEART. THE WORLD'S A TOUGH PLACE RIGHT NOW, BUT EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.
WE NEED MORE OF THOSE.

HEY, YOU'RE FINALLY CLEANING THE GARAGE.
YEAH. TRYING TO DECIDE IF I STILL NEED THIS SCUBA GEAR.
YOU HAVEN'T GONE SCUBA DIVING IN TEN YEARS.
YEAH. BUT WHAT IF I NEED IT ONE DAY?
PLEASE. AND WHADDYA NEED THIS RACCOON TRAP FOR? IT'S BEEN YEARS SINCE YOU HAD TO CATCH A RACCOON.
TRUE. AND WHAT ABOUT THESE KEYS?
YEAH. WHAT ARE YOU KEEPING THOSE FOR?
I DUNNO. THIS ONE IS A GET INTO NEIGHBOR BOB'S BACKYARD WHEN WE LOCK OURSELVES OUT. BUT, YOU'RE RIGHT...
SEE? FEELS GOOD.
YEAH. YOU GET SO BURIED IN LIFE BY ALL THE STUFF YOU KEEP.

CITY DUMP
GUYS! COME QUICK! NEIGHBOR BOB IS TRAPPED AT THE BOTTOM OF HIS POOL. BUT HIS GATE'S LOCKED AND IT'S GUARDED BY AN ANGRY RACCOON!!!
WELL, BOB HAS LIVED A GOOD LIFE.
ALWAYS. KEEP. EVERYTHING!

Whuh you got here, son?
It's a project for my military history course. I've built different models of explosives. throughout history and labeled them (A) through (F), so people can tell them apart.
Haha… dat gud… I— Oops!
What was that loud noise?
Dad dropped the F-bomb.
Oh… I phrased that poorly.
Soap taste like @%#*.

HEY, JEF THE CYCLIST, MAYBE THE REASON WE DON'T GET ALONG IS BECAUSE WE ONLY SEE YOU AS ARROGANT. SO MAYBE WE SHOULD GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER BY ASKING EACH OTHER QUESTIONS.
OKAY.
ALRIGHT. SO WHAT'S IT LIKE TO GET UP AT DAWN AND TRAIN FOR HOURS A DAY?
VERY HARD.
NOW YOU ASK ME SOMETHING.
WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE A COMMON NOBODY?
I THINK WE'RE TAKING A STEP BACKWARD, JEF.
NO, REALLY. IS IT SAD?

DO YOU
GIVE UP
EASILY?
NO. I NEVER GIVE
UP. NEVER EVER
EVER EVER EVER
EVER EVER EVER.
UNLESS IT'S HARD. THEN I QUIT.
HOW
INSPIRING.
EFFORT
TAKES
SO MUCH
TIME.

THEY SAY THAT OVER THE COURSE OF A LIFETIME, THE AVERAGE PERSON HAS THREE LOVES OF THEIR LIFE.
I'VE HAD AT LEAST FOUR.
REALLY? LET ME LIST THEM.
1) PROVOLONE
2) CHEDDAR
3) MOZZARELLA
4) GOUDA
I THINK THEY MEAN PEOPLE.
A PROVOLONE IS BETTER THAN A PEOPLE.

LISTEN, NEIGHBOR BOB. I'M SICK OF YOUR TREE DROPPING KUMQUATS IN MY YARD. CLEAN IT UP NOW.
OH, YEAH? WELL, GOSH! YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON.
WHY'D YOU HAVE TO INVOLVE THE HORSE, BOB?
USUALLY, IT'S JUST AN EXPRESSION.
I'M GONNA GO CRY IN THE STABLE.

YOU'RE GAINING A LITTLE WEIGHT, PIG. YOU SHOULD START GOING TO THE GYM.
I WANT TO, BUT I HAVE A DISABILITY.
WHAT DISABILITY?
LAZINESS.
NOT A REAL DISABILITY.
OH, IT'S VERY REAL.

EXCUSE ME, MR. CONGRESSMAN...
I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD TALK TO YOU ABOUT MY BANK.
OF COURSE.
THEY OPENED A FRAUDULENT ACCOUNT IN MY NAME SO THEY COULD CHARGE ME FRAUDULENT FEES.
THAT’S VERY BAD.
NOW I KNOW BANKS GIVE YOU A LOT OF MONEY AND WINE AND DINE YOU, BUT I HAVE VERY MODEST MEANS.
THAT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER...
OH...HOW SO? OH, HOW SO ABOUT IT?
YOU BET IT WILL. I’LL PUT THAT C.E.O. IN JAIL JUST LIKE I WOULD ANYONE WHO COMMITTED THAT KIND OF FRAUD AND I’LL GET ALL YOUR MONEY BACK FOR YOU.
OH MY GOD, THANK YOU SO MUCH!! WHEN DO YOU THINK YOU CAN DO ALL THIS?
WELL, LET ME JUST CHECK MY CALENDAR AND...
APRIL FOOLS!!
SHOULD I LAUGH OR CRY?
MOSTLY CRY.
AHAHAHA...HE BELIEVED IN DEMOCRACY!

HEY, GOAT, WHAT'S A BLACK HOLE?
IT'S AN AREA OF SPACE WITH A GRAVITATIONAL PULL SO STRONG THAT NOTHING CAN ESCAPE.
IS IT POSSIBLE THAT WE HAVE ONE IN OUR LIVING ROOM?
NO.
NOT A BLACK HOLE.
SO MAYBE WE JUST NEED A NEW COUCH.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS, RAT? YOU ACT LIKE YOU'RE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WORLD.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
NO.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE CYCLISTS ARE.
I'LL HANDLE THIS, JEF.
SORRY. YOU COMMONERS TALK LOUD.

I OPENED MY OWN BAR.
I'M CALLING IT "MODERATION."
SO A SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE TO BE RESPONSIBLE?
NO.
SO NO MATTER HOW DRUNK MY CUSTOMERS GET, THEY CAN TELL PEOPLE THEY DRANK IN "MODERATION."
WE LIKE TO ENCOURAGE HONESTY.

Exercise Goals For The Month:
. Run 5 miles every morning.
. Lift weights 4 times a week.
. Swim every day of month.
. Do one jumping jack while eating cheese.
I like to include one I can achieve.

SIR, WE HAVE A BAD EVENT WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH.
SEND 'EM OUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS.
OKAY, WELL, THERE WAS A SECOND EVENT.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS.
WELL, THERE WAS ANOTHER UNFORTUNATE...
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS! THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS! THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS!
AND HERE I THOUGHT WE MIGHT ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING.
TOO TIRED FROM ALL THIS PRAYING.

WAKING
MOMENTARY BLISS THAT A NEW DAY BRINGS
RECOLLECTION OF THE CURRENT STATE OF THE WORLD
RETREAT

6:30 a.m. -- Wake up.
7:00 a.m. -- Shower. Get ready.
8:00 a.m. -- Bike three miles to work.
9:00 a.m. -- Write memo for next week's meeting.
10:00 a.m. -- Prepare presentation.
12:00-1:00 p.m. -- Short break for lunch.
1:00 p.m. -- Do all sales reports by end of day.
Shoolp.
Overslept.
Not enough time to run three miles.
I’ll do it tomorrow.
I didn't run, so do I really need to shower?
I can probably write the memo tomorrow.
I'm definitely gonna have to work on the weekend now.
Might as well see what the presentation is.

I'm hungry, but I have no food.
I'll get something at the pub.
Sure, I'll have another. The wife's pretty mad I missed my shot.
I hate myself.
There’s always tomorrow.
NO. UGH. HUNGOVER.
AT LEAST PUT ON HIS WORKOUT SHORTS!!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M IN THE 'SENT EMAIL WHIRLPOOL OF WORRY.'
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S WHEN YOU SEND AN EMAIL AND DON'T GET AN IMMEDIATE RESPONSE, SO YOU RE-READ AND ANALYZE YOUR EMAIL 6000 TIMES TO SEE IF YOU POSSIBLY SAID ANYTHING WRONG.
I'LL BE LEADING A NORMAL LIFE IN THE OTHER ROOM.
'THE'... IT WAS THE WAY I SAID 'THE'!

GOODBYE, DAD... OFF TO SCHOOL.
GOODBYE, SON.
PLEASE DON'T GET SHOT.
PLEASE COME BACK TO ME ALIVE. PLEASE LET
ME HOLD YOU AGAIN.
PLEASE.

I'VE FINALLY REALIZED THAT MOST OF MY PROBLEMS ARE DUE TO PROCRASTINATION. SO MY RESOLUTION THIS YEAR IS TO CHANGE THAT ONCE AND FOR ALL.
GREAT. STARTING WHEN?
PROBABLY SOON.
THESE THINGS SHOULDN'T BE RUSHED.

NO. I DON'T KNOW SQUAT ABOUT THAT PRO. I NEVER READ. I JUST LIKE CHILLING IN FRONT OF THE T.V. FOR HOURS.
PARDON ME. BUT...
IDIOT FREE ZONE
SOME PEOPLE ARE SO INCONSIDERATE.

WHAT ARE
YOU READING
THIS GREAT BOOK,
'1,000 PLACES TO
SEE BEFORE YOU
DIE.'
INTERESTING, 'CAUSE I'M
WRITING A BOOK FOR
TEMPORARILY BLIND
PEOPLE LISTING ALL THE
CLIFFS AND LEDGES
THAT POSE A DANGER...
WHAT'S IT
CALLED
'1,000 PLACES TO DIE
BEFORE YOU SEE.'
SOME
CARTOONISTS
TAKE PRIDE IN
THEIR
WORK.
PRIDE IS
OVER-
RATED.

HEY, JEFF THE CYCLIST, WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
CITY COUNCIL. I'M PETITIONING THE CITY TO BETTER ENFORCE ALL THE TRAFFIC LAWS REGARDING CARS. IT'S VERY INFURIATING AND I DEMAND CHANGE.
BUT YOU NEVER STOP FOR STOP SIGNS.
THEN HE BEAT ME WITH GRANOLA BARS.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU WERE ABLE TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT. ALL THE CRITICISM WOULD CRUSH ME.
WHAT CRITICISM?
YOU DON'T HEAR ALL THE PEOPLE COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU?
COMPLAINING? I ONLY HEAR PRAISE. SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED AN EGO BUBBLE.
WHAT'S AN EGO BUBBLE?
WELL, FIRST YOU BLOCK ALL THE PEOPLE YOU DON'T LIKE ON TWITTER AND FACEBOOK. THEN YOU GO TO EVENTS THAT HAVE YOUR FANS.
THEN WHAT?
THEN YOUR OWN CARBON DIOXIDE AND LOVE OF SELF FORMS A PROTECTIVE BUBBLE AROUND YOU. LIKE THIS...
WHOAH.
PUSH ME OUTSIDE SO YOU CAN SEE IT AT WORK.
CORRUPT HACK.
MORON.
I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.
JERK.
YOU'RE THE WORST.
WHAT A CROWD. DO YOU SUPPOSE THEY WANT AUTOGRAPHS?

RAT HAS NEW NEIGHBORS, LYNN AND JIM.
OH, GREAT. DOES RAT HATE THEM ALREADY?
I ADORE THEM. THEY ARE WONDERFUL PEOPLE. AND I LOOK FORWARD TO A REWARDING FRIENDSHIP FILLED WITH LOVE AND MUTUAL RESPECT.
THEY HOME BREW AND OFFERED HIM AS MUCH BEER AS HE WANTS.
I SEE.
HOME BREWERS ARE GOD'S GIFT TO THE THIRSTY!!
HE ASKED THE POPE TO CANONIZE THEM.