Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, JEFF THE CYCLIST, ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT OUR ENVIRON-MENT BEING DESTROYED AND ALL OF US DYING?
NO. BECAUSE BEFORE THAT HAPPENS, THERE WILL BE THE RAPTURE.
THE RAPTURE?
YES. THE DAY ALL THE CYCLISTS ARE TAKEN TO HEAVEN.
GOD ONLY SAVES THE CYCLISTS?
HE LOVES US BEST.
NOW I DON'T WANT TO GO TO HEAVEN.

HEY, GOAT, I'M WRITING A REPORT ON BLUE ZONES. WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THEM?
WELL, THEY'RE PARTS OF THE WORLD WHERE PEOPLE LIVE THE LONGEST. SCIENTISTS STUDY THEM TO DETERMINE WHAT FACTORS CONTRIBUTE TO THE PEOPLE'S LONGEVITY.
THANKS.
Not the birthplace of the Blue Man Group.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
PROPOSING A NEW TEAM FOR PRO BASEBALL - THE 'NADIAS'. THEY'D BE NAMED FOR THE FAMED GYMNAST, NADIA COMANECI, AND WOULD BE AN INSPIRATION FOR GIRLS EVERYWHERE.
FINE. BUT YOU NEED A SHORTER NAME THAT FANS CAN USE WHEN THEY CHEER. LIKE THE NATIONALS ARE THE 'NATS'.
MAYBE THE 'NADS'.
GO NADS!
STOP NOW.
WHAT? WHERE'S YOUR TEAM SPIRIT?
WHO DOESN'T LIKE 'NADS?

I'M SAD.
I WILL EAT UNTIL I'M HAPPY.
NOW I FEEL GUILTY.
BUT THAT'S DIFFERENT THAN SAD.
I THINK I KNOW WHY YOU HAVE A WEIGHT PROBLEM.
NOW I'M SAD.

Once upon a time, there was a faraway place where people only got the news they wanted.

THE SKY IS BLUE.

NO, THE SKY IS RED.

This divided everyone.

Even families.

I CAN'T EAT WITH HIM. HE THINKS THE SKY IS BLUE.

Then one day the Great Bunny O'Wisdom descended from the sky with a shocking revelation.

MEDIA OUTLETS MAKE HUGE PROFITS FROM ONLY CATERING TO THEIR VIEWERS. THIS HELPS ONLY THEM.

So the enlightened people gathered all the partisan TV hacks and locked them in the Great Cube o' Silence.

And we Americans met each other again.

HEY. YOU'RE PRETTY NORMAL.

YOU TOO. HERE'S A BURGER AND A PITCHFORK.

And we could once again get things done.

THE BILL PASSES.

But alas, there's no Great Bunny O'Wisdom.

We're all screwed.

NO HAPPILY EVER AFTER?

I LIKE TO END ON A REALISTIC NOTE

I WISHED HIM INTO EXISTENCE!

PIG'S READING A BOOK BY SOME PRODUCTIVITY EXPERT. IT SAYS THE BEST WAY TO HAVE A PRODUCTIVE DAY IS TO DO THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS FIRST.
HE'S EATING CHEESE.
WHOA... SO PRODUCTIVE I CAN'T MOVE.

A SUMMARY OF HOW PRETTY MUCH EVERY TWEET ON TWITTER WORKS...
Be outraged about this thing I want you to be outraged about.
NOTHING HAPPENS.
AND YET WE KEEP TWEETING.
DEFINITION OF INSANITY.

HEY, RAT, ARE YOU GONNA DUST YOUR ROOM?
I DUSTED IT LAST MONTH.
IT GOT DUSTY AGAIN.
SO IT'S MOCKING US.
I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT CALCULATING.
GO TO YOUR ROOM, ROOM.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
BRAND NEW ALARM CLOCK THAT THE BOX SAYS HAS A LOT MORE SNOOZE BUTTON OPTIONS.
LIKE WHAT-- TEN MINUTES? TWENTY MINUTES?
'REST OF LIFE.'
THAT'S ONE WAY TO COPE.
KISS MY PROBLEMS GOODBYE!

THE STUPID COMPUTERS NOT WORKING.
CHECK THE TROUBLE-SHOOTING GUIDE.
TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
Trouble shooting? Aim better.
HAHAHAHA
IT WASN'T HELPFUL.

HOW TO SUCCEED MORE.
Fail less.
I THINK I'M ON TO SOMETHING.

WHO'S THE GUY NEXT TO YOU?
PERMANENTLY OFFENDED GUY.
YOU SAID WHAT-I'M OFFENDED!
NEVER USE THAT WORD. I'M OFFENDED!
NEVER MAKE THAT JOKE. I'M OFFENDED!
NEVER HAVE THAT THOUGHT. I'M OFFENDED!
NEVER... EXCUSE ME, BUT WHY HAVE YOU TAKEN ME HERE?
TO ANSWER THE QUESTION.
IF A GUY COMPLAINS IN A FOREST AND NO ONE IS AROUND TO HEAR IT, DOES ANYONE CARE?
I'M OFFENDED!
PLEASE SHUT YOUR FACE.

WHAT'S THE ONE THING YOU'RE DETERMINED TO DO IN YOUR LIFE ?
GO ALL AROUND THE WORLD.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. WHERE WOULD YOU WANT TO GO ?
BACK HOME. THE PLANE WOULD JUST CIRCLE AROUND.
SOME PEOPLE LAND AND SEE THINGS.
I JUST WANT THE FREE PEANUTS.

Change
starts
with
you.
I AM KING OF THE WORLD NOW. DO AS I SAY.

I THINK RAT GOT AWAY WITH EMBEZZLING FUNDS FROM HIS EMPLOYER.
WELL, THE GUILT THAT SOMETHING LIKE THAT CAUSES IS OFTEN ITS OWN PUNISHMENT.
I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD COUNT ON THAT.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. SAW YOU SAID SOMETHING BAD ABOUT ME ON TWITTER.
SO?
SO I WILL MUTE YOU.
I WILL BLOCK YOU.
I WILL REPORT YOU.
I WILL TORCH YOU WITH THIS FLAMETHROWER.
WELL, THAT TWITTER WAR ESCALATED QUICKLY.

SCIENCE QUIZ
Please state the full name of famed astronomer Galileo.
GALILEO GALILEO GALILEO GALILEO
GALILEO GALILEO GALILEO FIGARO
MAGNIFICOoooooooo...
P.S. I'm just a poor boy.
Nobody loves me.
SCIENCE IS PROBABLY MY
BEST SUBJECT.

HEY RAT, YOU'RE LATE FOR WORK.
I KNOW, BUT I CAN'T GET UP.
WHY NOT?
IT'S STILL DARK.
SO?
SO DARKNESS IS GOD'S WAY OF SAYING YOU'D BE A MORON TO GET OUT OF BED.
WHOA. WHAT'S THAT MAKE ME?
SORRY. THE LORD'S NEVER WRONG.

KIDS, WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT FAMILY DEBT.
ALRIGHT.
OKAY.
The bad news is it’s large. Over $350,000. And it’s an amount like that is hard to pay back.
IN FACT, THE INTEREST ALONE IS ABOUT $17,000 A YEAR.
The point is we’re very, very worried.
YOU’LL BE OKAY, MOM AND DAD.
Yes, we will.
BECAUSE IT’S YOUR STUDENT DEBT!!
GOOD LUCK GETTING OUT OF THAT HOLE, KIDDOS!
HAHAHAHA!! THAT’S MORE THAN WE PAID FOR OUR HOUSE!
I CALLED IT COLLEGE IS ONE BIG MISTAKE!
HOW UPLIFTING.
WHY ARE THESE KIDS STILL SITTING THERE?!
WORK!!!

WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO BEFORE YOU DIE ?
TO THE HOSPITAL, TO PREVENT IT FROM HAPPENING.
I WAS THINKING PARIS.
TOO FAR. YOU'D DIE FIRST.

EXCUSE ME, SIR. I APPRECIATE YOUR GIVING ME A JOB AT YOUR COMPANY, BUT I'M HAVING TROUBLE GETTING PEOPLE TO REPLY TO MY EMAILS.
YEP. HAPPENS TO ALL OF US. IT'S ALMOST LIKE THEY'RE NOT EVEN READING THEM. I JUST WISH WE KNEW WHY.
SPAM

I HEAR YOU JOINED THE MOST EXPENSIVE GYM IN TOWN.
YEAH, BECAUSE ONE OF MY SINS IS THAT I'M LAZY AND KNOW I'LL NEVER GO.
SO WHY'D YOU DO IT?
BECAUSE ANOTHER ONE OF MY SINS IS THAT I'M GREEDY AND DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY MONEY LIKE THAT.
SO YOU LET YOUR SINS BATTLE FOR SUPREMACY.
IT'S THE KEY TO STAYING FIT.

THE STUPID T.V. WON'T TURN ON.
CHECK THE MANUAL.
Whack the thing with your hand.
I EXPECTED MORE.
HERE IT SAYS TO YELL " #%@!! "

Hullooo, zeeba neighba, leesten. Nateeve Americans okay keeling aneemals becus dey make prodductive use of all parts of aneemaal.
So me make leetle peecture of whut happen you if me keel you.
Somehow he no comforted.
Hey. Why Larry no share?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
CELEBRATING 'SHAKE YOUR BUTTOCKS TO THE BEAT' DAY.
IT'S JUST MONDAY.
YEAH, I KNOW.
BUT I'M RE-BRANDING IT AS 'SHAKE YOUR BUTTOCKS TO THE BEAT' DAY.
I THINK MONDAY'S STILL MONDAY.
YOU'RE NOT HELPING.