Pearls Before Swine | Search

Dear everyone who said I wouldn't amount to much in life,
Please know this.
Every single day for the last thirty years, I've eaten at least a pound of cheese.
IT'S NICE TO PROVE THE HATERS WRONG.

HEY, GOAT, THESE ARE MY AUNTS. THEY'RE RAISING CASH FOR A CORN FLAKE.
A CORN FLAKE?
IT'S THE FLAKE OF THE UNITED STATES. IT WAS ON THE TABLE WHEN JEFFERSON SIGNED THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.
AND YOU'RE RAISING MONEY FOR IT?
YES. IT'S A PLEDGE DRIVE. WE'RE TRYING TO RAISE ENOUGH CASH TO PRESERVE IT FOREVERMORE.
GOSH. I WISH I HAD EXTRA CASH TO GIVE YOU, BUT THE ONLY THING I HAVE IS THIS RARE SPECIES OF LEECH.
GIVE IT TO THEM. MAYBE THEY CAN SELL IT.
GOSH, DEAR WOMEN, WOULD YOU BE SO KIND AS TO MAKE THAT CONTRIBUTION?
SURE
I PLEDGE A LEECH, AUNTS, TO THE FLAKE OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
AND HERE'S THE LEECH WHO SUCKS THE FUN OUT OF THE COMICS PAGE.

HEY, GOAT. THIS IS TINY TOM AND DIMINUTIVE DAWN! IT'S THEIR FIRST TIME HERE.
YEAH. AND ALL THE PEOPLE HERE LOOK LIKE MORANS.
YEAH, FAT, DUMB SLOBS.
YOU SHOULDN'T BELITTLE PEOPLE.
OHH?
WELL, YOU SHOULDN'T BE BIG PEOPLE.
NEVER MIND.
APOLOGIZE, YOU OVERSIZED SHMUCK.

ONE OF OUR NEIGHBORS KEEPS BLOCKING OUR DRIVEWAY WITH HIS CAR.
WHY DON'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?
THE 'THREE OR MORE TATTOO' RULE.
WHAT'S THAT?
A GUY WITH THREE OR MORE TATTOOS WILL ALMOST ALWAYS STAB YOU.
I'M NOT SURE THAT'S HOW THAT WORKS.
AND IF HIS NIPPLES ARE PIERCED, GOOD GOD.

Today I will waste seven hours. Then I will be productive for just one hour.
Then I'll hate everything I did.
Then I'll think I'm a joke.
Then I will take out all my frustration on the person closest to me.
'How to be a writer; chapter one.
How appealing.
When does the drinking start?

Common Traits
of all Great Writers
1) Naturally talented
2) Hard-working
3) Hard-drinking
1) Naturally talented
2) Hard-working
3) Hard-drinking
1) Naturally talented
2) Hard-working
3) Hard-drinking
I'M A THIRD OF THE WAY THERE.

HEY, PIG, WANT TO GO TO BREAKFAST WITH ME THIS MORNING?
SORRY. CAN'T. I'M FINALLY ON MY TREADMILL.
TERRIFIC! YOU'RE FINALLY GETTING SOME EXERCISE!
IT'S NOT ON, IS IT?
I'M SAVING A TON ON ELECTRICITY.

WELCOME TO PIG'S
BETTER-LIVING
SERIES... TODAY'S
SEMINAR:
HOW TO
COPE IN
DIFFICULT
TIMES
A BREAKTHROUGH
THERAPY CONSISTING
OF JUST ONE STEP...
HIDE
IN
HOLE
IS
THAT
COPING?
IS
TODAY
OVER
YET?
HIDE
IN
HOLE

THE CONGRESSMEN
A LARGE BOULDER IS ABOUT TO FALL AND CRUSH OLD MAN JOHNSON.
BUT ALAS, OUR HEROES ARRIVE...
CONGRESSMAN! THAT OLD MAN IS ABOUT TO BE CRUSHED BY THAT BOULDER!
CONGRESSMAN! WE MUST DO SOMETHING!
YES! IF WE WORK TOGETHER!
YES! IF WE WORK TOGETHER!
BUT I WON'T COMPROMISE!
AND I WON'T COMPROMISE!
AT LEAST THEY AGREED NOT TO TWEET.
SOMETIMES THEIR INTERESTS ALIGN.
YAAAAY! THEY NEVER COMPROMISED!

WISE ASS ON THE HILL
ASK HIM ANY YES OR NO QUESTIONS
HOMER SIMPSON ONLY HAS FOUR DIGITS ON HIS HAND. SO IF HE HAD TO GIVE SOMEONE THE MIDDLE FINGER, WHICH ONE WOULD HE CHOOSE?
I STUMPED HIM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
HEADING OFF TO ENGLAND. MY PAL THERE SAYS IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE 34 DEGREES. SO I STUFFED MY SUITCASE WITH ALL MY WARMEST CLOTHES.
WELL, CHEERIO! I'M OFF TO BE A SOPHISTICATED TRAVELER OF THE WORLD!
DO YOU SUPPOSE WE SHOULD TELL HIM THAT 34 DEGREES CELSIUS IS 93 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT?
NOPE.

SPLORT
SMASHING PUMPKINS! SMASHING PUMPKINS!
NEXT TIME CAN WE PLAY CHARADES AT YOUR HOUSE?
CAN I PASS ON 'FLAMING LIPS'?

HEY, GOAT, WHEN WE DIE, DO WE DISAPPEAR COMPLETELY?
WELL, PIG, THE LAW OF CONSERVATION OF MASS SAYS NO. THE ATOMS THAT COMPOSE US JUST SCATTER AND GET USED FOR OTHER THINGS.
SO WE'RE NOT DEAD, WE'RE JUST DISORGANIZED.
WELL...
SO I BECOME LIKE THE TOP OF MY DESK.

HEY, STEPH, YOU SHOULD START SIGNING YOUR STRIPS. I NOTICE ALL THE OTHER CARTOONISTS DO IT.
YEAH. I NEVER REALLY SAW A REASON TO DO IT.
BECAUSE IT SHOWS WHO DID THE WORK. YOU SHOULD BE REALLY PROUD OF THAT.
OKAY. I'LL SIGN IT IN THE THIRD PANEL.
THERE. THAT'S GREAT.
YEAH, IT DOES FEEL GOOD TO TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK LIKE THAT.
NOW I CAN FORGE HIS CHECKS.

HELLO?
HI, PIG. IT'S YOUR MOM. I HATE TO BUG YOU, BUT I'M WONDERING… DO YOU HAVE A PLAN FOR YOUR LIFE?
YES, I DO.
GREAT. I'D LIKE TO HEAR IT.
EAT SO MUCH CHEESE I SLIP INTO A HAPPINESS COMA.
SHE WAS THINKING LAW SCHOOL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I CAN'T TAKE THE NEWS ANYMORE. IT JUST MAKES ME TOO ANXIOUS. TOO DEPRESSED.
SO?
SO I'VE TURNED OFF MY PHONE, MY T.V., MY COMPUTER, AND NOW I'M JUST GONNA SIT IN MY PEACEFUL MEADOW ALL DAY. EVERY DAY.
BUT HOW WILL YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON?
IT DOESN'T MATTER. I'M IN MY MEADOW AND I'M HAPPY. WHAT ELSE DO I NEED TO KNOW?
KABOOM
I'M HOPING THAT WON'T AFFECT MY MEADOW.

HEY, PIG, YOU DOING ANYTHING TONIGHT? OUR BOYFRIENDS ARE OUT OF TOWN AND WE THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD HANG OUT WITH US.
OOH, I'D LOVE THAT.
OH, SORRY. WE HAVE OTHER PLANS.
TEAS TEASE.

RAT SAYS THE PROBLEM IN THIS WORLD IS THAT THERE ARE TOO MANY DUMB PEOPLE.
WELL, SOME PEOPLE THINK THE ANSWER TO THAT IS TO INVEST MORE MONEY INTO PUBLIC EDUCATION.
AND SOME PEOPLE THINK THE ANSWER IS LOCKING PEOPLE IN LIBRARIES UNTIL THEY START READING BOOKS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
NOBODY THINKS THAT.
DO COLORING BOOKS COUNT?
NO.

GOODBYE, GOAT. I'M OFF TO THE GROCERY STORE.
HANG ON, PIG. I THINK YOU LEFT YOUR GROCERY LIST ON THE FRIDGE.
OH. THANKS.
Loaf
THAT'S MY TO-DO LIST.

HIYA, DAD. I'M HOME FOR SEMESTER BREAK. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me trying put togedder stoopid bookcase.
IS IT HARD?
Yeah, because stoopid P.C. police say direckshuns got be in all sorts of foreign languages ME NO CAN READ!
THAT PART'S IN ENGLISH.
When stoopid son go back to school?

I HAVE A NEW MOTTO THAT GUIDES ME IN LIFE: BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD.
I LOVE THAT.
THAT SURPRISES ME TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT, SO YOU AGREE YOU NEED TO BE THE CHANGE?
NO. YOU. YOU BE THE CHANGE. I'LL BE THE SAME SELFISH $@#% I'VE ALWAYS BEEN.
I THINK YOU'RE MIS-USING THE MOTTO.
BUT YEAH, EVERYONE ELSE SHOULD CHANGE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
JUST HUNG THIS PAINTING OF AN ELEPHANT. TOOK A WHILE TO GET IT CENTERED AND LEVEL. HOW DO YOU THINK I DID?
IT'S WELL HUNG.
I THINK YOU KNOW WHY I'M HERE.
BECAUSE IT'S NOT STRAIGHT?
IS IT THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM?

HERE'S HOW IT BEGINS: WE TELL THE CYCLISTS THEY ARE PERFECT PHYSICAL SPECIMENS.
YES. AND WE WEAR THE RIGHT CLOTHES.
SO WE TELL THEM WE HAVE TO BREED THEM.
IT WOULD MAKE THE WORLD A SUPERIOR PLACE.
YES! SO WE'LL BREED!
A COUPLE GENERATIONS LATER, THE WORLD IS FILLED WITH NOTHING BUT CYCLISTS.
THE WORLD IS NOTHING BUT CYCLISTS!
BUT THERE IS ONE FLAW. EACH OF THEM FEELS SUPERIOR TO THE OTHERS.
I AM THE GREATEST.
I AM THE GREATEST.
AND EACH OF THEM FEELS EQUALLY ENTITLED.
YOU SHARE THE ROAD.
YOU SHARE THE ROAD.
YOU SHARE THE ROAD.
SOON THEY ARE BEATING EACH OTHER TO DEATH WITH HUGE SACKS OF GRANOLA.
OH GOD.
OH GOD.
AND THIS IS YOUR PLAN TO ELIMINATE CYCLISTS?
ONLY THE ARROGANT ONES.
BUT ISN'T THAT ALL OF THEM?
OH SNAP!

PIG, I'M LEAVING YOU FOR THE U.P.S. DRIVER.
WHAT? WHICH ONE?
ANY OF THEM.
THEY ARE A GOOD-LOOKING PEOPLE.
WHY MUST THEY HAVE SUCH NICE LEGS??

TONIGHT ON THE SIX O'CLOCK NEWS…
AW, HECK, DO YOU REALLY WANT TO HEAR THIS?
IT'S NICE WHEN THEY WARN YOU.