Pearls Before Swine | Search

DING DONG
DING DONG
HANG ON..
HANG ON..
I'M COMING
HI.. I'M ROBBY.
I'M NEIGHBOR BOB'S KID.
ROBBY, YOU'VE GROWN UP SO MUCH I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU.
YEAH, AND NOW
I'M GRADUATING
COLLEGE.
OH MY GOODNESS,
HOW EXCITING!
YOU'VE GOTTEN
ALL THAT EDUCATION!
ALL THAT
KNOWLEDGE!
ALL THAT WISDOM!
AND NOW YOU'RE
GRADUATING!
YEAH, THAT'S
WHY I'M
HERE ACTUALLY.
TO INVITE ME TO
THE GRADUATION?
TO BEG. I'M $350,000 IN DEBT.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
COLLEGE AND
DEBTORS PRISON?
PRISON HAS FREE FOOD.
HEY, LOOK! NOW HE'S CLEANING
WINDSHIELDS AT THE STOPLIGHT.

HEY, GOAT, WHAT KIND OF SAUCE
DO YOU WANT ON YOUR PASTA...
TOMATO, ALFREDO OR PESTO?
YOU'LL HAVE PESTO.
WE HAVE A RATHER AGGRESSIVE
HOMEOWNERS ASSOCIATION.

I WROTE OUT A LIST OF ALL MY GOALS, BUT I NEVER ACHIEVE ANY OF THEM.
LET ME SEE. I THINK I CAN HELP.
Lose weight NO
Paint house NO
Save money NO
Scribble Scribble Scribble
Fail a lot

YOU SEEM A LOT CALMER LATELY, RAT... NOT NEARLY SO ANGRY... HOW DO YOU DO IT?
WELL, WHEN I GET UP IN THE MORNING, I TAKE A FEW MINUTES JUST FOR MYSELF.
I SEE. TO BREATHE DEEPLY? MEDITATE?
TO SLEDGEHAMMER THE $%@# OUT OF A ROCK.
NOT QUITE MEDITATION.
WE'RE LIVING IN SLEDGEHAMMER TIMES.

HEY, GOAT, RAT AND I WERE WONDERING... WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO SUCCEED IN LIFE? IS IT LUCK? TIMING?
YOU KNOW, PIG, IT REALLY JUST COMES DOWN TO A WILLINGNESS TO WORK HARDER THAN OTHERS.
WE'RE SCREWED.

AND THIS ROOM HERE IS THE LIVING ROOM.
LIVING ROOM? WHAT’S A LIVING ROOM?
IT’S MORE OF A FANCY ROOM FOR WHEN YOU WANT TO FORMALLY ENTERTAIN GUESTS.
AH. HOW USEFUL.
IF IT WAS 1890!
MAYBE THIS HOUSE ISN'T FOR YOU.
SERIOUSLY, COULD IT BE MADE INTO A SPORTS BAR?

Dear Pigita,
You are the light
of my life. The wind
beneath my wings.
The reason for my
existence.
YOU DUMB PIG. GIRL-
FRIENDS DON'T WANT
TRITE PHRASES. THEY WANT
YOU TO TALK FROM THE
HEART. USE YOUR OWN
WORDS.
You are
better
than
tacos.
GO
WITH
TRITE
PHRASES.
ACTUALLY,
TACOS
MIGHT
WIN.

HEY, MY NAME'S GREED MONSTER.
MINE TOO.
MINE TOO, TOO.
GREED MONSTER HERE! TAKE EVERYTHING.
BUT LOOK AT YOU! WE HAVE ENOUGH ALREADY. NO CARE. WANT MORE!
ME! YOU MUST DO SOME SPECIAL-INTEREST CONGRESS STUFF!
I WILL HELP!
BUT YOU SAID "HELP"
I DIDN'T SAY WHO!!
YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T MIX BEDTIME STORIES WITH REALITY.
WHAT CAN I HELP YOU GUYS WITH??
HAHAHA... THEY TRUSTED THEIR REPRESENTATIVE...

HEY, RAT... THIS IS MY FRIEND, SAL. HE'S VERY ACTIVE IN THE COMMUNITY.
OH, YEAH? WHICH COMMUNITY?
THE LGBTQRS TUVWXY AND Z. NOW I KNOW MY A-B-C-S. TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF ME'S COMMUNITY.
TOO MANY LETTERS.
WE DON'T THINK MUCH OF YOU.
I'M TRYING TO BE INCLUSIVE!

OUR HOMEOWNERS ASSOCIATION IS TOO INTRUSIVE. WHO ARE THEY TO TELL ME WHAT COLOR MY MAILBOX SHOULD BE
THEY'RE NOT INTRUSIVE. THEY JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO BE THE BEST IT CAN BE.
IS THAT THE MOST EDUCATIONAL PROGRAM YOU COULD FIND?
WE SHOULD CLOSE THE DRAPES.

HI. CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, I'M HARRY FROM THE HOME-OWNERS ASSOCIATION. NOW THIS IS ONLY A FIRST WARNING, BUT YOUR TAN MALLOY IS TWO SHADES TOO DARK. YOU NEED TO FIX THAT BEFORE YOU GET A SECOND WARNING.
WHAT HAPPENS IF WE GET A SECOND WARNING ?
WE PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.
WE SHOULD RE-READ OUR BY-LAWS.

HEY, STEPH, AS YOU GET OLDER, DO YOU FIND IT EASIER TO FORGIVE AND FORGET?
FOR SURE.
BECAUSE YOU GET MORE MATURE?
BECAUSE I CAN'T REMEMBER $#!#.
THAT'S SORT OF LIKE MATURING.
WHAT IS?

HEY, PIG, YOU'VE BEEN IN THE BATHROOM FOREVER.
IT'S HOT, AND IT'S THE ONLY COOL SPOT IN THE HOUSE.
YOU SHOULD REALLY GET AIR CONDITIONING.
HEY, IF I FLUSH IT, I CAN SURF.

RESIST
WELL LOOK AT YOU GETTING INVOLVED POLITICALLY. I LOVE IT! WE ALL NEED TO HAVE OUR VOICES HEARD IF WE WANT A BETTER GOVERNMENT.
RESIST
RESIST
THE NEED TO TALK TO ME WHEN I'M SITTING HERE ENJOYING MY COFFEE.
MAYBE I'LL SWITCH SEATS.
THANKS. YOU'RE GETTING THE IDEA.

BOOKSHELF ASSEMBLY INSTRUCTIONS
(1) Identify the parts: 3 shelves 2 side panels
(2) Attach right side panel with four screws provided.
(3) Realize one screw doesn’t fit. Force it. Split wood.
(4) Swear. Kick things. Blame spouse for everything.
MAYBE WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING ELSE THIS SUNDAY.
GO AHEAD. BLAME ME.

CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP
PRRRING PRRRING
HELLO!
HI, THIS IS ACME TIME-SHARES WITH A GREAT OFFER ONLY FOR YOU!
BUT I'M EATING DINNER.
THIS WILL ONLY TAKE A MINUTE OF YOUR--
*CLICK*
KABOOM
'EXPLODE A TELEMARKETER' IS A VERY USEFUL APP.

Dear Pigita,
I'm sorry that sometimes I'm too naive.
Dude, you need to put an umlaut over the 'I' in 'naive'.
UMLAUT, NOT OMELETTE.
NOW I'M HUNGRY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
THIS FASCINATING THOUGHT EXERCISE WHERE YOU WRITE DOWN THE THREE PEOPLE FROM HISTORY THAT YOU'D MOST LIKE TO GO TO DINNER WITH.
CAN I TRY?
SURE.
1) Someone who pays.
2) Someone who pays.
3) Someone who pays.
WHY IS THAT FASCINATING?

HEY, RAT, HOW COME YOU DON'T SMILE THAT MUCH? :)
BECAUSE SHOWING JOY IS JUST AN INVITATION TO FATE TO RUIN YOUR LIFE.
AND HERE I THOUGHT HAPPINESS WAS GOOD.
IT'S LIKE BLOOD TO A SHARK.
I WILL NEVER SHOW JOY AGAIN!!

THE JOHNSONS FIRED ME LAST NIGHT.
YOU'VE BEEN THEIR BABYSITTER FOR A WHILE.
YEAH. WELL, I GUESS THEY DIDN'T LIKE HOW I BABYSAT.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HOW YOU BABYSAT?
GET OUT.

I waited and waited, but the woman never came.
I was left alone.
In silence.
With nothing.
Wow, Pig. That's very powerful... You writing a romantic novel?
Letter to the cable repair people.
Never mind.
My tears smeared the first one.

HEY, MOM... MOM... MY SCHOOL GAVE ME MY FIRST JOB. I GET TO WORK IN THE CAFETERIA.
OH, JUNIOR, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU. THAT'S THE BEST PART OF PARENTING.
WHAT IS?
WELL, YOU RAISE YOUR CHILD OVER THE YEARS AND WATCH AS HE GROWS. WATCH AS HE MAKES FRIENDS. GOES THROUGH SCHOOL. FALLS IN LOVE. GETS A JOB.
AND THEN ONE DAY, IF YOU'RE LUCKY, THERE'S THAT BEAUTIFUL RESULT OF ALL YOUR PARENTING... SEEING YOUR CHILD INDEPENDENT.
AND WHAT'S THE WORST PART OF PARENTING?
SEEING YOUR CHILD INDEPENDENT.
LOVE YOU, MOM!
SOMETIMES ACT LIKE YOU NEED ME EVEN IF YOU DON'T.
LOOK...ME BARGE FOR SO HE GO NOWHERE.

WHERE'S THAT STATUE OF THE SOCCER GOALIE PIG HAD IN THE FRONT YARD?
HOPE SOLO? IT'S GONE. SO PIG'S GOING AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD ASKING IF ANYONE SAW ANYTHING.
HOW'S THAT GOING?
NOT GOOD. I THINK HE'S BUMMING THEM OUT.
HELP. I'VE LOST HOPE.

HEY, PIG. WANT TO GO FOR A HIKE WITH ME?
CAN’T...
WHY NOT?
NEWTON'S FOURTH LAW.
A BUTT ON THE COUCH TENDS TO STAY ON THE COUCH.
NOT A LAW OF PHYSICS.
DOES THE 'G' IN 'G-FORCE' STAND FOR 'GUT'?

WHAT DO YOU THINK IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU'RE DEAD?
LIKE BEING ASLEEP, EXCEPT YOU DON'T HAVE TO PEE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
SO THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT PARADISE.
CORRECT. AND NO MAKING THE BED.