Pearls Before Swine | Search

I WAS IN LINE AT THE POST OFFICE TODAY. IT STRETCHED OUTSIDE THE BUILDING.
SO AS I'M STANDING THERE, A GUY SITS DOWN ON A MILK CRATE AND STARTS PLAYING SONGS ON A BANJO.
AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED — THERE REALLY IS A HELL.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH BANJOS.
FORGIVE ME, LORD, FOR I HAVE SINNED.

THIS FITNESS MAGAZINE SAYS IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO WRITE DOWN WHAT YOU DO IN YOUR WORKOUTS EVERY DAY. THAT WAY YOU CAN SEE ALL THE PROGRESS YOU'RE MAKING.
Monday: Thought about going to gym.
Tuesday: Thought harder.
Wednesday: Drove by and waved.
I SEE WHAT THEY MEAN.

I'VE CONCLUDED THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD... THOSE WHO LIKE RISING BEFORE DAWN AND GETTING AN EARLY START TO THEIR DAY...
AND THOSE WHO WANT TO PUNCH THOSE PEOPLE IN THE FACE..
I'M FEELING THREATENED.
YOU SHOULD. WE PUNCHERS HAVE NUMBERS.

CHEESE TASTES AWESOME.
PEOPLE SHOULDN'T DRIVE SLOW IN THE FAST LANE.
CHOCOLATE MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER.
IT'S ANNOYING WHEN THE NEIGHBORS' DOG BARKS ALL DAY.
A WARM, COZY BED FEELS GOOD ON A COLD WINTER DAY.
DISCO NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED.
BEER... BEER BEER !
PRINTER INK IS TOO EXPENSIVE.
SOME MEN SHOULDN'T WEAR SPEEDOS.
THINGS A DIVIDED COUNTRY CAN STILL AGREE ON

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HEAVEN IS LIKE.
WHIRRRRR
RRR
DING!
BUT PUTTING ON WARM CLOTHES FRESH OUT OF THE DRYER HAS TO BE CLOSE.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI. I'M YOUR NEW NEIGHBOR PHIL. I GOT A TECH JOB IN TOWN AND MOVED INTO THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET. PROBABLY GONNA TEAR IT DOWN AND RE-BUILD. THE GARAGE BARELY FITS MY TESLAS. AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
IT'S A NATIVE AMERICAN NAME.
OH? WHAT IS IT?
MAN WHO WANTS TO PUNCH PHIL IN FACE.
WE'RE OFF TO A BAD START WITH OUR NEW NEIGHBOR.

WHAT MAKES SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE SUCCESSFUL?
A WILLINGNESS TO WORK HARDER THAN THE OTHER GUY. GET UP EARLIER. STAY AT WORK LATER.
SO FAILURE IS THE OBVIOUS CHOICE.
I CHOSE IT YEARS AGO.
UH. LET'S START OVER.
SO WERE SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE JUST DROPPED ON THEIR HEADS AS KIDS?

EXCUSE ME, BUT I JUST OVERHEARD THAT JOKE YOU TOLD... IT WAS VERY OFFENSIVE.
YOU TRIGGERED THE 'NO ONE CARES' DUCK.
THAT'S VERY OFFENSIVE.
INCOMING!

HEY, PIG, HOW CAN YOU BE SO HAPPY WITH EVERYTHING THAT'S GOING ON IN THE WORLD?
BECAUSE I NEVER HOPED FOR ANYTHING BETTER.
IT'S THE HOPE THAT KILLS YOU!
IS HE A MORON OR A GENIUS?
GO WITH MORON.

HEY, DAD, YOUR DOCTOR SENT YOU A LETTER. HE WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU WANT TO KEEP YOUR APPOINTMENT WITH HIM, OR HAVE HIM REFER YOU TO A DOCTOR AT A BIGGER HOSPITAL.
Me want reefer
SPELLING IS IMPORTANT HERE, DAD.
Fine. Tell heem me want beeger joint.

HELLO?
HI, RAT. IT'S ME, GOAT. WONDERING IF YOU WANT TO GO TO THAT NEW BREWPUB TONIGHT?
CAN'T.
WHY NOT?
DOCTOR SAID I NEED TO GIVE UP THE BOOZE.
OH... WELL, WE COULD JUST GET DINNER AT THAT BARBECUE PLACE NEXT DOOR.
NO. HE SAID NO MORE RED MEAT EITHER.
WHAT ABOUT FISH AND CHIPS?
NO FRIED FOOD.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT JUST TAKING A WALK IN THE PARK TOMORROW?
NO. CAN'T GO TO THE PARK EITHER.
WHY NOT?
CAN'T FIGURE OUT A REASON TO GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN RED MEAT AND BEER.
WHAT DO SOBER VEGANS DO? JUST NOT JUMP OFF BRIDGES?

HAVE YOU HEARD OF BIKRAM YOGA?
YEAH...THE KIND OF YOGA YOU DO IN A REALLY HOT SPACE. WHY?
BECAUSE PIG'S DOING IT.
HOW'S IT GOING?
NOT WELL.
I SMELL BACON.
IS THIS SAFE?

HEY, PIG. GIMME SOME MORE WHIPPED CREAM ON MY HOT COCOA.
SURE. AND STEPH, DO YOU WANT SOME, TOO?
YEAH.
WHIP IT. WHIP IT GOOD.
TRIBUTE TO AN ICONIC BAND OF MY YOUTH.
PLEASE CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES.
OH, LOOK, YOU'RE SCARING THE KIDS.

PARDON ME, BUT I WAS OFFENDED BY SOMETHING YOU SAID.
I WAS MORE OFFENDED!
I WAS EVEN MORE OFFENDED.
IS THIS A COMPETITION?
YES. NOWADAYS, THE MOST OFFENDED PERSON WINS.
THIS IS A VERY ANNOYING ERA.
NOW I BOYCOTT YOUR SMUG LITTLE FACE!

HEY, ZEBRA. LONG TIME NO SEE… HOW GO YOUR DAYS LATELY?
IT'S A GOOD LIFE. I GET UP IN THE MORNING. GO FOR A WALK. READ SOME HISTORY. LISTEN TO MUSIC. HOW ABOUT YOU? WHAT'S YOUR DAILY ROUTINE?
GET UP. CHECK TWITTER. LOSE HOPE.
YOU COULD PUT THE PHONE DOWN.
NOPE. FUSED TO HANDS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I GOT A JOB WORKING AT THIS LOCAL BOOKSELLER. HANG ON. I'M HELPING THIS CUSTOMER.
OKAY, I'VE DONE A LOT OF RESEARCH AND I THINK THIS IS THE BOOK YOU WANT.
OH, GREAT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?
BUYING IT ON AMAZON
WE LOCAL BOOKSELLERS CAN BE VERY VINDICTIVE.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
IT'S A JOURNAL OF MY WORKOUTS FOR THE LAST YEAR. MY TRAINER TOLD ME TO KEEP IT. SEE HERE WAS THE FIRST DAY...
January 1
20 push-ups
30 leg lifts
25 squats
Ran 3 miles
THAT'S TERRIFIC. WHAT'S THE REST OF THE YEAR LOOK LIKE?
Ate Fritos.
THERE WAS SOME LOSS OF DISCIPLINE.

YOU WROTE A BOOK, SON!
I’M SO PROUD OF YOU.
YAY! YAY! YAY! CLAP CLAP CLAP!
YOU'RE QUITE THE HIT, KID. DO IT AGAIN.
THAT’S THE TIMES' AUTHOR SECTION
YOUR SECOND BOOK DOESN'T SEEM TO HAVE BEEN QUITE AS POPULAR.
SORRY, KID. YOU'RE DONE.
I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.
AND THAT'S HOW I DEFINE A MOM.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, PIG.
A SWEET STRIP? CAN WE DO THIS??

HEY, GOAT, DID JIMMY THE TOWN BARBER RETIRE?
YEAH. HE GOT REPLACED BY A NEW GUY, BUT I'M AFRAID HE DOESN'T HAVE MUCH EXPERIENCE... WHY?
NO REASON.

CAN'T COPE.
SO GONNA FIND A NICE QUIET PLACE IN THE SKY.
THAT SEEMS LIKE CHEATING.

HEY, RAT. WHY ARE YOU LATE TODAY?
HAD TO GO TO A MEMORIAL FOR ONE OF OUR NEIGHBORS. IT WENT A LOT LONGER THAN IT SHOULD HAVE BECAUSE HIS WIDOW INVITED ANYONE WHO WANTED TO SAY SOMETHING TO COME UP AND SPEAK.
DID YOU GET UP AND SAY ANYTHING?
I DID.

YOU'RE ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR MY EXPIRED PARKING METER.

HEY, MOM, DAD SAYS HE'S GONNA FLY ALL OVER THE WORLD.
JUNIOR, YOUR FATHER DOESN'T HAVE A JOB. HE CAN HARDLY AFFORD TO FLY ANYWHERE.
HE SAYS HE CAN DO IT FOR FREE.
AND HOW'S HE GONNA DO THAT?
EMOTIONAL SUPPORT CROCODILE AVAILABLE

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
TRYING TO WRITE A BOOK, BUT WRITING IS HARD.
WELL, THEY SAY THE KEY IS TO JUST EXPRESS WHAT'S INSIDE YOU.
Anger. Anger. Anger.
Anger. Anger. Anger.
Anger. Anger. Anger.
Anger. Anger. Anger.
I'M NOT SURE IT'S VERY COMMERCIAL.

Achieving your dreams is the key to a happy life. So write down a dream and go for it. And when you achieve it, CELEBRATE!
Be fat and lazy.

Burt had a realization.
I am unhappy.
So he played the lottery every day for 10 years.
Until one day...
I won!! I won!!
So he went out and bought a fleet of cars.
And a giant boat.
And a huge house.
Where he had a realization.
I’m still unhappy.
Burt spent the rest of his life yelling at his money.
MAKE ME. HAPPY
There’s a lesson here somewhere.
Probably needs a bigger house.
JUST BUY MORE CHEESE!!