Pearls Before Swine | Search

OUR HOMEOWNERS ASSOCIATION IS TOO INTRUSIVE. WHO ARE THEY TO TELL ME WHAT COLOR MY MAILBOX SHOULD BE
THEY'RE NOT INTRUSIVE. THEY JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO BE THE BEST IT CAN BE.
IS THAT THE MOST EDUCATIONAL PROGRAM YOU COULD FIND?
WE SHOULD CLOSE THE DRAPES.

HI. CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, I'M HARRY FROM THE HOME-OWNERS ASSOCIATION. NOW THIS IS ONLY A FIRST WARNING, BUT YOUR TAN MALLOY IS TWO SHADES TOO DARK. YOU NEED TO FIX THAT BEFORE YOU GET A SECOND WARNING.
WHAT HAPPENS IF WE GET A SECOND WARNING ?
WE PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.
WE SHOULD RE-READ OUR BY-LAWS.

HEY, STEPH, AS YOU GET OLDER, DO YOU FIND IT EASIER TO FORGIVE AND FORGET?
FOR SURE.
BECAUSE YOU GET MORE MATURE?
BECAUSE I CAN'T REMEMBER $#!#.
THAT'S SORT OF LIKE MATURING.
WHAT IS?

HEY, PIG, YOU'VE BEEN IN THE BATHROOM FOREVER.
IT'S HOT, AND IT'S THE ONLY COOL SPOT IN THE HOUSE.
YOU SHOULD REALLY GET AIR CONDITIONING.
HEY, IF I FLUSH IT, I CAN SURF.

RESIST
WELL LOOK AT YOU GETTING INVOLVED POLITICALLY. I LOVE IT! WE ALL NEED TO HAVE OUR VOICES HEARD IF WE WANT A BETTER GOVERNMENT.
RESIST
RESIST
THE NEED TO TALK TO ME WHEN I'M SITTING HERE ENJOYING MY COFFEE.
MAYBE I'LL SWITCH SEATS.
THANKS. YOU'RE GETTING THE IDEA.

BOOKSHELF ASSEMBLY INSTRUCTIONS
(1) Identify the parts: 3 shelves 2 side panels
(2) Attach right side panel with four screws provided.
(3) Realize one screw doesn’t fit. Force it. Split wood.
(4) Swear. Kick things. Blame spouse for everything.
MAYBE WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING ELSE THIS SUNDAY.
GO AHEAD. BLAME ME.

CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP
PRRRING PRRRING
HELLO!
HI, THIS IS ACME TIME-SHARES WITH A GREAT OFFER ONLY FOR YOU!
BUT I'M EATING DINNER.
THIS WILL ONLY TAKE A MINUTE OF YOUR--
*CLICK*
KABOOM
'EXPLODE A TELEMARKETER' IS A VERY USEFUL APP.

Dear Pigita,
I'm sorry that sometimes I'm too naive.
Dude, you need to put an umlaut over the 'I' in 'naive'.
UMLAUT, NOT OMELETTE.
NOW I'M HUNGRY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
THIS FASCINATING THOUGHT EXERCISE WHERE YOU WRITE DOWN THE THREE PEOPLE FROM HISTORY THAT YOU'D MOST LIKE TO GO TO DINNER WITH.
CAN I TRY?
SURE.
1) Someone who pays.
2) Someone who pays.
3) Someone who pays.
WHY IS THAT FASCINATING?

HEY, RAT, HOW COME YOU DON'T SMILE THAT MUCH? :)
BECAUSE SHOWING JOY IS JUST AN INVITATION TO FATE TO RUIN YOUR LIFE.
AND HERE I THOUGHT HAPPINESS WAS GOOD.
IT'S LIKE BLOOD TO A SHARK.
I WILL NEVER SHOW JOY AGAIN!!

THE JOHNSONS FIRED ME LAST NIGHT.
YOU'VE BEEN THEIR BABYSITTER FOR A WHILE.
YEAH. WELL, I GUESS THEY DIDN'T LIKE HOW I BABYSAT.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HOW YOU BABYSAT?
GET OUT.

I waited and waited, but the woman never came.
I was left alone.
In silence.
With nothing.
Wow, Pig. That's very powerful... You writing a romantic novel?
Letter to the cable repair people.
Never mind.
My tears smeared the first one.

HEY, MOM... MOM... MY SCHOOL GAVE ME MY FIRST JOB. I GET TO WORK IN THE CAFETERIA.
OH, JUNIOR, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU. THAT'S THE BEST PART OF PARENTING.
WHAT IS?
WELL, YOU RAISE YOUR CHILD OVER THE YEARS AND WATCH AS HE GROWS. WATCH AS HE MAKES FRIENDS. GOES THROUGH SCHOOL. FALLS IN LOVE. GETS A JOB.
AND THEN ONE DAY, IF YOU'RE LUCKY, THERE'S THAT BEAUTIFUL RESULT OF ALL YOUR PARENTING... SEEING YOUR CHILD INDEPENDENT.
AND WHAT'S THE WORST PART OF PARENTING?
SEEING YOUR CHILD INDEPENDENT.
LOVE YOU, MOM!
SOMETIMES ACT LIKE YOU NEED ME EVEN IF YOU DON'T.
LOOK...ME BARGE FOR SO HE GO NOWHERE.

WHERE'S THAT STATUE OF THE SOCCER GOALIE PIG HAD IN THE FRONT YARD?
HOPE SOLO? IT'S GONE. SO PIG'S GOING AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD ASKING IF ANYONE SAW ANYTHING.
HOW'S THAT GOING?
NOT GOOD. I THINK HE'S BUMMING THEM OUT.
HELP. I'VE LOST HOPE.

HEY, PIG. WANT TO GO FOR A HIKE WITH ME?
CAN’T...
WHY NOT?
NEWTON'S FOURTH LAW.
A BUTT ON THE COUCH TENDS TO STAY ON THE COUCH.
NOT A LAW OF PHYSICS.
DOES THE 'G' IN 'G-FORCE' STAND FOR 'GUT'?

WHAT DO YOU THINK IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU'RE DEAD?
LIKE BEING ASLEEP, EXCEPT YOU DON'T HAVE TO PEE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
SO THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT PARADISE.
CORRECT. AND NO MAKING THE BED.

HELLO, MA'AM, I'M JUST HERE TO TELL YOUR SON SEYMOUR THAT I GOT BACK TOGETHER WITH MY OLD BOYFRIEND, PIG, SO YOUR SON AND I ARE THROUGH.
SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS I NO LONGER WANT TO DATE YOUR SON.
YOU NO LONGER WANT TO WHAT?
SEE MORE SEYMOUR!
WAS THIS ALL JUST A SETUP FOR A STUPID "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE" PUN?
I'M AFRAID SO.
HELP! WE'RE TRAPPED IN THIS WORLD!

WHATCHA DOING, RAT?
NEIGHBOR NANCY JUST SENT ME A TEXT SAYING HER MOTHER DIED, SO I'M TEXTING HER BACK.
SHOOT. MY KEYBOARD SWITCHED TO EMOJIS... HOW DO I SWITCH BACK TO LETTERS?... WAIT... I DON'T WANT EMOJIS... DO I JUST -- NO NO NO NOOOOO
YOU SENT HER A BIG THUMBS UP?
HANG ON. I KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS.

HEY, RAT, DIDN'T YOU GET MY CALL THIS MORNING?
NO. I HAD MY PHONE ON "DO NOT DISTURB."
BUT I TOLD YOU I WAS GONNA CALL IF I NEEDED YOUR HELP MOVING.
THAT WAS YOUR FIRST MISTAKE.
SADLY, I FEEL MORE STUPID THAN MAD.
YEAH... MY PHONE'S USEFUL FEATURES ARE NOT MY FAULT.

Note from Stephan: This is my sister, Parisa. She lives far from me.
(Caricatures not my strength.)
She has a certain set of opinions on government, taxes, immigration, and the environment.
YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP
I do not share any of those opinions.
That becomes apparent one or two times a year we see each other.
ARGUE ARGUE ARGUE LOON ARGUE LOON ARGUE
But then--and here's the weird part--After about an hour of disagreeing, something happens.
We realize we agree on a few things.
I think.
You do?
Which makes us realize one more thing.
Most of the outlets we normally rely upon for news make MONEY by creating CONFLICT.
So.
Sometimes turn off.
And talk to your sister.
Okay, irrespective of politics, I think you're a loon.

SO, RAT. HOW CAN I HELP YOU TODAY?
WELL, DOCTOR. I HAVE THIS TERRIBLE SENSE OF DREAD LATELY. LIKE EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD IS ABOUT TO GO VERY, VERY WRONG.
TRUE. WE'RE ALL SCREWED.
SOME PSYCHIATRISTS GIVE HELPFUL ADVICE.
OKAY...
FLEE.

CASUAL FRIDAYS ARE STRICTER THAN YOU'D THINK.

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE OLD?
WHEN THE PEOPLE YOU'VE KNOWN WHO ARE DEAD OUTNUMBER THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW WHO ARE LIVING.
WELCOME TO THE LAST STAGE OF YOUR LIFE.
I WILL MAKE NEW FRIENDS!

WHERE'S GOAT TODAY?
HIS NEIGHBOR'S KID IS HAVING A SUMMER PARTY, SO THEY ASKED GOAT IF HE'D TELL THE KIDS SOME SCARY STORIES.
OOOHH... WHAT KIND OF SCARY STORIES?
AND WHEN I WAS A KID, WE ONLY HAD EIGHT CHANNELS.

HEY, RAT... COME OVER HERE... I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY CO-WORKER.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
IT'S MY COCKTAIL PARTY PERISCOPE. IT ALLOWS ME TO LOOK STRAIGHT AT SOMEONE'S NAMETAG TO SEE IF THE PERSON IS IMPORTANT OR JUST SOME LOSER WASTING MY TIME.
I'M SO SORRY.
WHOA. ME TOO. THIS GUY'S A NOBODY.