Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, GUYS, GATHER ROUND. I HAVE AN UNBELIEVABLE STORY FROM WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID.
WHAT IS IT?
SO MY WHOLE FAMILY WAS EATING DINNER TOGETHER, WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, THERE WAS A LOUD BANG AT THE BACK DOOR.
WHOA
YOUR WHOLE FAMILY ATE DINNER TOGETHER ?
YES, IT IS.
THAT'S NOT THE UNBELIEVABLE PART.
HOW LONG AGO WERE YOU RAISED

MY WORK DAY EXPLAINED
by
PIG
7:00 A.M.
WARM BED!!
7:30 A.M.
WARM SHOWER!
8:00 A.M.
WARM COFFEE!
9:00 A.M - 5:00 P.M
COLD WORLD.
I THINK I SEE WHERE IT GOES OFF THE RAILS.
WHY DO I GET OUT OF BED??

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
GOT A JOB MAKING JAM AT THIS BRITISH COMPANY, BUT THE BOSSES TREAT US BADLY.
HOW SO?
THEY CALL US PEONS.
WELL, THAT'S NOT NICE.
NO, IT'S NOT. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT US JAM WORKERS ARE GONNA DO? WE'RE GONNA REPLACE THE TITLE WITH PRIDE.
WE'RE GONNA SHOW 'EM WE'RE THE HARDEST WORKING PEONS EVER. WE WON'T EVEN TAKE BATHROOM BREAKS.
OKAY, WHO HERE NEEDS TO USE THE LOO?
NO TIME FOR LOOS, SIRS, 'CAUSE WE ARE THE JAM PEONS!
MAMA? JUST KILLED A MAN.

GOATS MAD AT ME FOR NOT FEEDING HIS CAT WHILE HE WENT ON VACATION.
BUT I SEEM TO REMEMBER YOU GOING OVER THERE TO FEED HIM.
I KNOW. I DID. I GAVE THAT CAT A CAN OF TUNA EVERY DAY.
YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO OPEN THE CAN.
HOW LAZY ARE THESE CATS?

HEY, PIG, YOU WANT TO COME TO MY BOOK CLUB MEETING ON FRIDAY?
WHAT’S A BOOK CLUB?
SOMETHING YOU DO WHEN YOU'VE CONSIDERED ALL OF LIFE’S RECREATIONAL OPTIONS AND CHOSEN POORLY.
WE MEET AND DISCUSS BOOKS.
IT'S LIKE A FUN PARTY WITHOUT THE FUN.

DO YOU THINK THERE'S HOPE FOR MANKIND?
I'LL HAVE HOPE FOR MANKIND WHEN GROCERY STORE CHAINS PUT BOOKS LIKE "THE GREAT GATSBY" AND "CATCHER IN THE RYE" IN CHECKOUT COUNTER RACKS THAT NOW CONTAIN TABLOIDS.
CAN WE AT LEAST KEEP THE CHOCOLATE BARS?
WAIT. WHERE WILL I GET ALL MY NEWS?

I'M FINALLY HAPPY.
YOU ARE?
YES. EVEN WITH ALL THE PAIN AND SUFFERING IN THE WORLD, I'VE FINALLY FOUND A WAY TO BE TRULY HAPPY.
HOW?
I'VE LOST THE ABILITY TO FEEL!
SOCIOPATHS HAVE IT SO EASY.

HEY, RAT. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A BRAIN DOCTOR. CAN I HAVE MY BRAIN EXAMINED?
SURE. LIFT UP YOUR EAR.
HMM. BAD NEWS.
WHAT?
IT'S NOT IN THERE.
I FINALLY KNOW WHY I'M A BAD SPELLER.

NIGHT, MOSTLY.
WHY, YOU LEFT WING, COMMUNIST, SOCIALIST, DIVERSITY-LOVING, AVOCADO TOAST-EATING, LIBERAL TRAITOR
I MISS THE DAYS WHEN EVERY TOPIC WASN’T POLITICAL.
I STILL LIKE YOU, TRAITOR.
HEY, DON’T TALK TO THE TREE-HUGGING ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE.

WHO... THIS GUY SAID WHAT?! I'LL RE-TWEET THE STORY.
WHAT?!
WHAT?!
EVIL!
HORRIBLE!
THE GOOD NEWS IS WE APOLOGIZED.
OH, GOOD.
WAIT! WAIT! NOW HE SAID THIS!
HEY... WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?
BURN IT DOWN!! BURN IT DOWN!!
UH... HANG ON GUYS. LOOKS LIKE THE ORIGINAL STORY WASN'T ACCURATE.
ENOUGH.
POUNCE HIM!
FOR SHAME.
FOR SHAME.

SIR PIG.
SIR PIGGETH?
SIR PIGGETH THE MAGNIFICENT?
WHAT'S A SURNAME?

OKAY, THE LAST QUESTION IN TONIGHT'S PUB TRIVIA CONTEST IS THIS: ACCORDING TO THE BEATLES' 1967 HIT, "ALL YOU NEED IS ... WHAT?"
OOH, LEMME TAKE THIS.
GO FOR IT.
Cheese.
SOMEHOW WE LOST.

JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH MY SYNDICATE EDITOR. HE WASN'T VERY HAPPY WITH A STRIP I DID...
OH NO. WHAT'D YOU SAY?
I TOLD HIM TO SHOVE IT. THERE'S FREEDOM OF THE PRESS IN THIS COUNTRY! THERE'S NOTHING HE CAN DO!
THAT LUNKHEAD? HE WOULD NEVER MESS WITH THE "WAR ON IDIOCY" STRIP. HE'D BE AFRAID...

THAT GUY WHO JUST SAT NEXT TO YOU IS THE GUY WHO CUT YOU OFF ON THE FREEWAY. YOU SHOULD GO SAY SOMETHING TO HIM.
YOU'RE PROBABLY HAVING A BAD DAY JUST LIKE ME. EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY.
IS HE A MORON OR A SAINT?
C'MON, EVERYONE, GROUP HUG!

IT'S SO HARD TO STAY INFORMED IN A DEMOCRACY. ONE SIDE SAYS ONE THING. ONE SIDE SAYS ANOTHER. AND YOU JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT THE TRUTH IS.
VERY TRUE. DEMOCRACY ASKS A LOT OF ITS CITIZENS. SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
GIVE UP AND WATCH CAT VIDEOS.
THEN HE COVERED HIS EYES AND WEPT.
HA HA HA... FLUFFY SMASHED HIS NOSE ON A WINDOW.

Dear Powers That Be in The Universe,
I would like to be happy.
So here is how I would like
my life's plan
to go.
RIIIP
IT'S NOT INTERESTED.

YEARS AGO, I WAS AFRAID TO TRAVEL. FEAR OF FLYING... FEAR OF STRANGE PLACES... FEAR OF STRANGE PEOPLE.
BUT SOON MY CURIOSITY OVERCAME MY FEAR AND I DECIDED TO START TRAVELING.
FROM IRAQ TO BULGARIA... INDIA TO JAPAN... ESTONIA TO FIJI... AND EACH TRIP WAS AMONG THE BEST EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE.
SO WHY DO I BRING THIS UP? SIMPLY TO SAY THAT THIS LARGE PART OF CURIOSITY IN LIFE THAT WAS INSPIRED BY ANTHONY BOURDAIN.
SO IF YOU, LIKE ME, ARE SAD ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED GO OUT AND TRAVEL TO THAT PLACE THAT MAKES YOU A LITTLE BIT UNCOMFORTABLE.
MEET THAT PERSON YOU SLIGHTLY FEAR.
AND TRY THAT FOOD YOU'VE NEVER TRIED.
PREFERABLY FROM A FOOD CART... LATE AT NIGHT...
BECAUSE THE PARTS UNKNOWN ARE THE GREATEST TO GET TO KNOW.
BUENO, MUY.

HEY, RAT, YOU GOTTA HEAR ABOUT MY TRIP TO EUROPE. I WENT TO NINE COUNTRIES.
SORRY, NEIGHBOR BOB. ON PHONE.
I CAN SEE YOUR PHONE SCREEN. YOU'RE WATCHING CAT VIDEOS.
TECHNOLOGY HAS SO MANY LIMITATIONS.

Step 1
Fake death.
Ugh.
I’m dead.
Step 2
Re-appear!
I'M OK! WHOA!
Step 3
Die for real.
R.I.P.
Do you think he's really dead?
Step 4
No one believes you.
Nope.
Step 5
YOU ARE IMMORTAL!
“IMMORTALITY IN FIVE EASY STEPS!”
ANOTHER WAY IS TO ACHIEVE SOMETHING GREAT.
TOO MUCH EFFORT.

IN THE NEWS TODAY, BAD THINGS HAPPENED.
MOSTLY BECAUSE A GOOD CHUNK OF THE POPULATION IS NOW NUTS.
THAT DEPRESSES ME.
SO I'M GONNA GO DRINK AND PRETEND NONE OF THIS IS HAPPENING.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS AN OPTION.

HEY, FATHER GUS... DOES GOD WANT US TO BE VEGETARIANS?
I THINK SO, MY SON, FOR ALL ANIMALS ARE GOD'S CREATURES AND DESERVE LOVE AND KINDNESS AND A LONG LIFE.
THAT'S A PULLED PORK SANDWICH.
EXCEPT FOR PIGS, BECAUSE SOMETHING THAT TASTY HAS NO RIGHT TO LIVE.
I SEE.
THINK OF THEM AS DOOMED LITTLE BACON MACHINES.
HEY, WHAT SMELLS SO TASTY?

DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE RESTAURANT WE'RE LOOKING FOR IS?
OF COURSE. I'M USING THE G.P.S. ON MY PHONE.
WHOA. WAIT. I JUST LOST ALL CELL SERVICE.
IT IS NOW HOPELESS. I WILL LIE ON THE SIDEWALK AND DIE.
THE RESTAURANT'S RIGHT THERE.
CAN'T HEAR YOU. DOOMED.

How much money do you think you need to be happy?
Ten million dollars. That'd be enough for a mansion, a vacation house, and a fleet of fancy cars.
How 'bout you, pig?
Enough for pizza and a couch.
It's hard not to like you, pig.
If he gets a pizza, I get a pizza.
Can I get extra for a puppy?

HI. WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
STEAK, MEDIUM-WELL AND A SALAD WITH BLUE CHEESE. AND A LARGE ORDER OF CURLY FRIES.
YOU'RE NOT WRITING ANY OF THIS DOWN.
YEAH, I JUST MEMORIZE IT.
THAT MAKES ME NERVOUS YOU'LL FORGET SOMETHING. PLEASE WRITE IT DOWN.
OKAY, LEMME SEE TO MAKE SURE YOU GOT IT RIGHT.
SPIT IN UPTIGHT GUY'S FOOD.
PERHAPS WE SHOULD EAT SOMEPLACE ELSE.

THIS BAG OF COOKIES JUST RIPPED APART. NOW WHAT DO I DO? ALL THE COOKIES ARE GONNA GO STALE.
JUST PUT THEM IN A SEALED PLASTIC BAG.
OR EAT THEM ALL.
IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.