Pearls Before Swine | Search

OH MY GOD! THE TOWN'S ONLY BRIDGE COLLAPSED! WE NEED HELP!
WE CAN HELP! HELP!
OH THANK YOU, MY GOVERNMENT REPRESENTATIVES!
SO HERE'S MY PARTY'S BILL FOR A NEW BRIDGE!
AND HERE IS MY PARTY'S BILL!
WAIT! I CAN'T LET YOUR BILL PASS. IT WOULD LOOK LIKE YOU WINNING FOR VOTES!
AND I CAN'T LET YOUR BILL PASS!
YOUR BILL'S DEFEATED!
AND YOUR BILL'S DEFEATED!
WE WIN WE WIN WE WIN
we win.
MAYBE WE SHOULD ALL JUST JUMP.
TO OUR DEATHS ON THE OTHER SIDE?
DON'T JUMP! WE'RE ALL WINNERS!

RAT... YOU AND ME NEED TO TALK.
WHAT NOW, NEIGHBOR BOB?
YOU'RE USING YOUR LEAF BLOWER ON SATURDAY MORNINGS AT 8 A.M.
SO?
SO YOU HAVE NO LEAVES.
I DIDN'T THINK HE'D NOTICE.
DID YOU TELL HIM YOU JUST LIKE THE SOUND?

TIP O' THE DAY
Whatever you do in life, give 110%
Why do I say that?
BECAUSE YOU ARE BAD AT MATH.
SOMEONE HAD TO TELL YOU.

VOCAB QUIZ
ENGLISH 1B
First, put a guy in a room that is lit.
Then muss up his hair. See what happens.
NOT THE DEFINITION OF 'LITMUS TEST.'
ENGLISH IS THE HARDEST CLASS EVER.

HEY, RAT. ARE YOU WALKING OVER TO THE CAFE TODAY?
I DON'T KNOW. LET ME CHECK THE FORECAST.
Chance of scattered idiots with occasional gusts of moron.
NEW WEATHER APP?
NEW WHETHER I CAN TOLERATE PEOPLE APP.

HEY, KOKO KOALA...
HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD. BEEN TRYING TO GET A JOB IN THAT FACTORY DOWNTOWN.
BUT SO FAR, NOTHING.
I BET YOU'D BE GREAT AT CHECKING PRODUCTS AS THEY COME OFF THE LINE.
YOU THINK?
SURE. KOALITY CONTROL.
I WILL HIT YOU DOWN UNDER.

Dear Me...
Stop doing
things that
torpedo my
life.
You're far
too good
at it.
I'M HOPING ME'S LISTENING.

HI. JUST NEED MY BOARDING PASS.
BASIC ECONOMY?
YEAH. NOW THAT DOES NOT COME WITH CHECKED LUGGAGE. IT'S EXTRA.
RIGHT. JUST BRINGING A LITTLE CARRY-ON.
INTERESTED IN EXTRA LEGROOM FOR $50?
NO, I'M GOOD.
AND IT DOESN'T COME WITH MEALS. BUT FOR $30 EXTRA, YOU...
ALRIGHT, STOP RIGHT THERE. YOUR AIRLINES ALWAYS SELL US CHEAP FARES BUT LOAD US WITH EXTRA FEES. I PAID FOR BASIC ECONOMY AND I WANT BASIC ECONOMY!
WHOA. BRO IS MAD MAD.
WHO THE @#$% ARE YOU?
THAT'S JUST JIMMY OUR BASIC ECONOMY PILOT.
HE'S OUR BASIC ECONOMY PILOT.
JIMMY MAKE PLANEY PLANE GO ZOOM.
GIMME THE PILOT UPGRADE.
BASIC COMPETENCE OR I'M FEELING LUCKY?

HEY, RAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, DOCTOR DAN... HE'S A MEMBER OF THE INTERNATIONAL ORGANIZATION, "DOCTORS WITHOUT--
excuse me, doctor.
YES?
HI... I CAME IN TO SEE YOU ON TUESDAY... WAS WONDERING IF YOU GOT MY TEST RESULTS.
OH, YEAH. YOU'RE GONNA DIE.
"DOCTORS WITHOUT INTERPERSONAL SKILLS."
BUT HEY, HAVE YOU TRIED THE ROAST BEEF HERE?

HEY, RAT, WHAT'S THAT?
A ROTATING GLOBE THAT I CAN SIT IN.
WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT?
PROOF THAT THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND ME.
SADLY, HIS KIND ARE MULTIPLYING.
HUSH, PERIPHERAL NOBODIES, HUSH.

OKAY. GO AHEAD.
7 4 8
5 b 6
1 e 7
IS THERE MORE?
YEAH.
6 7 ; ! k 3 ? % @ X Y A 7 4 L X
1 b p i 1 m m 9 2 4 f x y 2
z j x 2 i p 1 1 4 ; 2 7 @ z
p z a m ! 4 p 3 m b 7 u x
; i k . 3 . E A p. 7 6 1 2 1 0
O 0 ? 7 3 % @ @ Z x A L
273 ; 6 3 O p b t g 3 2 9
YOU COULD PROBABLY SIMPLIFY YOUR WIFI PASSWORD.
HANG ON. ALMOST HALF-WAY DONE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
THIS TYPE OF MEDITATION
WHERE YOU FOCUS ON
LOOKING INTO YOUR OWN
HEAD. IT'S SUPPOSED TO
CALM YOU DOWN. YOU
SHOULD TRY.
Never again.
DO YOU
SEE
SMILEY
RAINBOWS?

DAILY AFFIRMATION
Never give up.
Ever. Ever. Ever.
P.S. This only applies
to finding the
perfect hamburger.
HOW INSPIRING.
DETERMINATION
IS KEY.

I WANTED SO MUCH TO BE THE HERO...
I COULD HAVE BEEN THE HERO... INSTEAD, I’M THE GOAT!
GOOD NEWS, CHUCK… ‘GOAT’ NOW STANDS FOR ‘GREATEST OF ALL TIME’!
I WAS JUST AHEAD OF MY TIME.

WORLD, I PRESENT THEE WITH A WORK ABOUT AN AFRICAN AMERICAN BOY AND A MAGIC ROCK AS THEY TRAVEL THROUGH CHINA.
RACIST. YOUR CAREER ENDETH.
WORLD, I PRESENT THEE WITH A WORK ABOUT AN AFRICAN AMERICAN BOY AND A MAGIC ROCK AS THEY TRAVEL THROUGH CHINA.
SEXIST. YOUR CAREER ENDETH.
WORLD, I PRESENT THEE WITH A WORK ABOUT AN AFRICAN AMERICAN GIRL AND A MAGIC ROCK AS THEY TRAVEL THROUGH CHINA.
CHINA? CULTURAL MISAPPROPRIATION. YOUR CAREER ENDETH.
WORLD, I PRESENT THEE WITH A CREATIVE WORK ABOUT A CHILD AND A MAGIC ROCK.
OCCULIST. YOUR CAREER ENDETH.
WORLD, I PRESENT THEE WITH A WORK ABOUT A BOY WHO DOESN'T HAVE A MAGIC ROCK. JUST A ROCK. NOTHING HAPPENS.
HM. GOOD.
BUT WHY SO BLAND?
I CALL IT 'BETTER BY THE DEAD HAND'. CREATIVITY IS FAR TOO SCARY NOW!
WHO HA! WHO HA! WHOOPING ANIMAL NOISES ARE FUN! WHO ARE YOU GONNA YOUR CAREER FOR ENCOURAGING ROCK-THROWING?

I JUST REALIZED THAT I'M PART OF THE PROBLEM IN THIS COUNTRY. I ALWAYS THINK I'M RIGHT. I NEVER LISTEN TO THE OTHER SIDE. AND I ALWAYS DEMONIZE MY OPPONENT.
PRETTY MATURE OF YOU... SO WHAT DID YOU DO AFTER YOU HAD THAT REALIZATION?
I SAW I WAS BEING TOO REASONABLE AND PUNCHED MYSELF IN THE FACE.
AND BYE BYE MATURITY.
THEN I CALLED MYSELF A NINNY AND STEPPED ON MY OWN TOES.

END OF TRAIL
50 YARDS
END OF TRAIL
50 YARDS
END OF TRAIL
50 YARDS
EVER FEEL LIKE YOU'RE GETTING NO CLOSER TO YOUR FINANCIAL GOALS?
GIVE UP. IT'S EASIER.

Today I will
be the best
me I can be!
You may
ask why.
Because I
like to set
the bar
very low.
THAT'S ALMOST
MOTIVATIONAL.
I'M ALMOST
MOTIVATED.

RESUME
Well, look at you preparing to get a job instead of sitting around all day drinking beer. But just so you know, résumé has accents over both the 'e's.
WRITE WRITE WRITE
RESUME DRINKING BEER AFTER GOAT LEAVES

HOW YOU THINK LIFE WILL BE WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG, AS EXPLAINED BY AN AMUSEMENT PARK...
WHEEEEEE
HOW LIFE TURNS OUT...
OHHH GAAWWWWD
YOU LEFT OUT ALL THOSE CARNIVAL GAMES YOU CAN'T WIN...
ERRRGHHH, WHY WON'T THE RING STAY ON THE BOTTLE??

THE KEY TO A SUCCESSFUL CAREER
Find what you love to do in life, then figure out how to make a living doing it.
I love to sleep.
Pay me.
THIS WILL BE SO MUCH BETTER THAN WORKING.

AT...AT THE
TONE THE TIME
WILL BE...
TIME LADY! IT'S ME. PIG.
AGAIN. I'M JUST CALL-
ING TO SEE HOW YOU'RE
DOING.
OHH. A BIT
LONELY...AS
USUAL THESE
DAYS.
I FIGURED, SO
I THOUGHT I'D
TRY TO HELP.
HELP HOW?
WELL, WE HAVE THIS THING CALLED THE
INTERNET NOW WHERE WE ALL CONNECT.
AND I TOLD EVERYONE YOU STILL
EXIST.
AND? WHAT DID
THE INTERNET
SAY?
WELL, THIS GUY SAYS HE
USED TO CALL YOU WHEN
HE WAS LITTLE...AND
HIS MOM LOVED YOU.
OH. WONDER-
FUL!
AND...UH...THIS ONE SAYS YOU HAD BAD TEETH...AND THIS ONE SAYS YOU WERE A REAL HUSSY...AND THIS ONE...OH GOD...I CAN’T EVEN SAY IT.
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
...YOU CAN'T EVEN
TELL ME??
THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL TIME!!
I'M GOING BACK TO
1988 NOW.
I FORGOT TO MEN-
TION THE INTERNET'S
DOWNSIDE.

HEY, WAITER, WHAT'S WITH THIS STRAW?
IT'S ALL MUSHY.
IT'S PAPER.
WE BANNED PLASTIC STRAWS BECAUSE
THEY'RE HARMFUL TO TURTLES.
OH.
SO ARE YOU GONNA BE EATING
TONIGHT?
SURE.
HOW'S THE TURTLE SOUP?
EXQUISITE.
THE WORLD'S A CONFUSING PLACE.

OKAY, CLASS, POP QUIZ... TAKE OUT A PIECE OF PAPER AND WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT PUSHKIN.
Malibu Barbie hated her boyfriend.
So she decided to push Ken off a cliff.
I MAY NOT PASS MY LITERATURE CLASS.

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, RAT?
CHISELING MY OWN TOMBSTONE. FINALLY CAME UP WITH THE WORDS I WANT TO DISPLAY FOR ALL ETERNITY.
RAT.
'Like' me on Facebook
GOOD SELF-PROMOTION NEVER STOPS.