Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
THIS FASCINATING THOUGHT EXERCISE WHERE YOU WRITE DOWN THE THREE PEOPLE FROM HISTORY THAT YOU'D MOST LIKE TO GO TO DINNER WITH.
CAN I TRY?
SURE.
1) Someone who pays.
2) Someone who pays.
3) Someone who pays.
WHY IS THAT FASCINATING?

HEY, RAT, HOW COME YOU DON'T SMILE THAT MUCH? :)
BECAUSE SHOWING JOY IS JUST AN INVITATION TO FATE TO RUIN YOUR LIFE.
AND HERE I THOUGHT HAPPINESS WAS GOOD.
IT'S LIKE BLOOD TO A SHARK.
I WILL NEVER SHOW JOY AGAIN!!

THE JOHNSONS FIRED ME LAST NIGHT.
YOU'VE BEEN THEIR BABYSITTER FOR A WHILE.
YEAH. WELL, I GUESS THEY DIDN'T LIKE HOW I BABYSAT.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HOW YOU BABYSAT?
GET OUT.

I waited and waited, but the woman never came.
I was left alone.
In silence.
With nothing.
Wow, Pig. That's very powerful... You writing a romantic novel?
Letter to the cable repair people.
Never mind.
My tears smeared the first one.

HEY, MOM... MOM... MY SCHOOL GAVE ME MY FIRST JOB. I GET TO WORK IN THE CAFETERIA.
OH, JUNIOR, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU. THAT'S THE BEST PART OF PARENTING.
WHAT IS?
WELL, YOU RAISE YOUR CHILD OVER THE YEARS AND WATCH AS HE GROWS. WATCH AS HE MAKES FRIENDS. GOES THROUGH SCHOOL. FALLS IN LOVE. GETS A JOB.
AND THEN ONE DAY, IF YOU'RE LUCKY, THERE'S THAT BEAUTIFUL RESULT OF ALL YOUR PARENTING... SEEING YOUR CHILD INDEPENDENT.
AND WHAT'S THE WORST PART OF PARENTING?
SEEING YOUR CHILD INDEPENDENT.
LOVE YOU, MOM!
SOMETIMES ACT LIKE YOU NEED ME EVEN IF YOU DON'T.
LOOK...ME BARGE FOR SO HE GO NOWHERE.

WHERE'S THAT STATUE OF THE SOCCER GOALIE PIG HAD IN THE FRONT YARD?
HOPE SOLO? IT'S GONE. SO PIG'S GOING AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD ASKING IF ANYONE SAW ANYTHING.
HOW'S THAT GOING?
NOT GOOD. I THINK HE'S BUMMING THEM OUT.
HELP. I'VE LOST HOPE.

HEY, PIG. WANT TO GO FOR A HIKE WITH ME?
CAN’T...
WHY NOT?
NEWTON'S FOURTH LAW.
A BUTT ON THE COUCH TENDS TO STAY ON THE COUCH.
NOT A LAW OF PHYSICS.
DOES THE 'G' IN 'G-FORCE' STAND FOR 'GUT'?

WHAT DO YOU THINK IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU'RE DEAD?
LIKE BEING ASLEEP, EXCEPT YOU DON'T HAVE TO PEE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
SO THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT PARADISE.
CORRECT. AND NO MAKING THE BED.

HELLO, MA'AM, I'M JUST HERE TO TELL YOUR SON SEYMOUR THAT I GOT BACK TOGETHER WITH MY OLD BOYFRIEND, PIG, SO YOUR SON AND I ARE THROUGH.
SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS I NO LONGER WANT TO DATE YOUR SON.
YOU NO LONGER WANT TO WHAT?
SEE MORE SEYMOUR!
WAS THIS ALL JUST A SETUP FOR A STUPID "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE" PUN?
I'M AFRAID SO.
HELP! WE'RE TRAPPED IN THIS WORLD!

WHATCHA DOING, RAT?
NEIGHBOR NANCY JUST SENT ME A TEXT SAYING HER MOTHER DIED, SO I'M TEXTING HER BACK.
SHOOT. MY KEYBOARD SWITCHED TO EMOJIS... HOW DO I SWITCH BACK TO LETTERS?... WAIT... I DON'T WANT EMOJIS... DO I JUST -- NO NO NO NOOOOO
YOU SENT HER A BIG THUMBS UP?
HANG ON. I KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS.

HEY, RAT, DIDN'T YOU GET MY CALL THIS MORNING?
NO. I HAD MY PHONE ON "DO NOT DISTURB."
BUT I TOLD YOU I WAS GONNA CALL IF I NEEDED YOUR HELP MOVING.
THAT WAS YOUR FIRST MISTAKE.
SADLY, I FEEL MORE STUPID THAN MAD.
YEAH... MY PHONE'S USEFUL FEATURES ARE NOT MY FAULT.

Note from Stephan: This is my sister, Parisa. She lives far from me.
(Caricatures not my strength.)
She has a certain set of opinions on government, taxes, immigration, and the environment.
YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP
I do not share any of those opinions.
That becomes apparent one or two times a year we see each other.
ARGUE ARGUE ARGUE LOON ARGUE LOON ARGUE
But then--and here's the weird part--After about an hour of disagreeing, something happens.
We realize we agree on a few things.
I think.
You do?
Which makes us realize one more thing.
Most of the outlets we normally rely upon for news make MONEY by creating CONFLICT.
So.
Sometimes turn off.
And talk to your sister.
Okay, irrespective of politics, I think you're a loon.

SO, RAT. HOW CAN I HELP YOU TODAY?
WELL, DOCTOR. I HAVE THIS TERRIBLE SENSE OF DREAD LATELY. LIKE EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD IS ABOUT TO GO VERY, VERY WRONG.
TRUE. WE'RE ALL SCREWED.
SOME PSYCHIATRISTS GIVE HELPFUL ADVICE.
OKAY...
FLEE.

CASUAL FRIDAYS ARE STRICTER THAN YOU'D THINK.

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE OLD?
WHEN THE PEOPLE YOU'VE KNOWN WHO ARE DEAD OUTNUMBER THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW WHO ARE LIVING.
WELCOME TO THE LAST STAGE OF YOUR LIFE.
I WILL MAKE NEW FRIENDS!

WHERE'S GOAT TODAY?
HIS NEIGHBOR'S KID IS HAVING A SUMMER PARTY, SO THEY ASKED GOAT IF HE'D TELL THE KIDS SOME SCARY STORIES.
OOOHH... WHAT KIND OF SCARY STORIES?
AND WHEN I WAS A KID, WE ONLY HAD EIGHT CHANNELS.

HEY, RAT... COME OVER HERE... I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY CO-WORKER.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
IT'S MY COCKTAIL PARTY PERISCOPE. IT ALLOWS ME TO LOOK STRAIGHT AT SOMEONE'S NAMETAG TO SEE IF THE PERSON IS IMPORTANT OR JUST SOME LOSER WASTING MY TIME.
I'M SO SORRY.
WHOA. ME TOO. THIS GUY'S A NOBODY.

Dear everyone who said I wouldn't amount to much in life,
Please know this.
Every single day for the last thirty years, I've eaten at least a pound of cheese.
IT'S NICE TO PROVE THE HATERS WRONG.

HEY, GOAT, THESE ARE MY AUNTS. THEY'RE RAISING CASH FOR A CORN FLAKE.
A CORN FLAKE?
IT'S THE FLAKE OF THE UNITED STATES. IT WAS ON THE TABLE WHEN JEFFERSON SIGNED THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.
AND YOU'RE RAISING MONEY FOR IT?
YES. IT'S A PLEDGE DRIVE. WE'RE TRYING TO RAISE ENOUGH CASH TO PRESERVE IT FOREVERMORE.
GOSH. I WISH I HAD EXTRA CASH TO GIVE YOU, BUT THE ONLY THING I HAVE IS THIS RARE SPECIES OF LEECH.
GIVE IT TO THEM. MAYBE THEY CAN SELL IT.
GOSH, DEAR WOMEN, WOULD YOU BE SO KIND AS TO MAKE THAT CONTRIBUTION?
SURE
I PLEDGE A LEECH, AUNTS, TO THE FLAKE OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
AND HERE'S THE LEECH WHO SUCKS THE FUN OUT OF THE COMICS PAGE.

HEY, GOAT. THIS IS TINY TOM AND DIMINUTIVE DAWN! IT'S THEIR FIRST TIME HERE.
YEAH. AND ALL THE PEOPLE HERE LOOK LIKE MORANS.
YEAH, FAT, DUMB SLOBS.
YOU SHOULDN'T BELITTLE PEOPLE.
OHH?
WELL, YOU SHOULDN'T BE BIG PEOPLE.
NEVER MIND.
APOLOGIZE, YOU OVERSIZED SHMUCK.

ONE OF OUR NEIGHBORS KEEPS BLOCKING OUR DRIVEWAY WITH HIS CAR.
WHY DON'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?
THE 'THREE OR MORE TATTOO' RULE.
WHAT'S THAT?
A GUY WITH THREE OR MORE TATTOOS WILL ALMOST ALWAYS STAB YOU.
I'M NOT SURE THAT'S HOW THAT WORKS.
AND IF HIS NIPPLES ARE PIERCED, GOOD GOD.

Today I will waste seven hours. Then I will be productive for just one hour.
Then I'll hate everything I did.
Then I'll think I'm a joke.
Then I will take out all my frustration on the person closest to me.
'How to be a writer; chapter one.
How appealing.
When does the drinking start?

Common Traits
of all Great Writers
1) Naturally talented
2) Hard-working
3) Hard-drinking
1) Naturally talented
2) Hard-working
3) Hard-drinking
1) Naturally talented
2) Hard-working
3) Hard-drinking
I'M A THIRD OF THE WAY THERE.

HEY, PIG, WANT TO GO TO BREAKFAST WITH ME THIS MORNING?
SORRY. CAN'T. I'M FINALLY ON MY TREADMILL.
TERRIFIC! YOU'RE FINALLY GETTING SOME EXERCISE!
IT'S NOT ON, IS IT?
I'M SAVING A TON ON ELECTRICITY.

WELCOME TO PIG'S
BETTER-LIVING
SERIES... TODAY'S
SEMINAR:
HOW TO
COPE IN
DIFFICULT
TIMES
A BREAKTHROUGH
THERAPY CONSISTING
OF JUST ONE STEP...
HIDE
IN
HOLE
IS
THAT
COPING?
IS
TODAY
OVER
YET?
HIDE
IN
HOLE