Pearls Before Swine | Search

I JUST WENT TO THE CITY PLANNER FOR A PERMIT AND I THINK HE ASKED FOR A BRIBE.
I THINK IF A CITY OFFICIAL WAS THAT CORRUPT, HE WOULD HAVE BEEN EXPOSED.
BY A NEWSPAPER...LIKE THE ONE I USED TO WORK FOR...BEFORE PEOPLE STOPPED SUBSCRIBING...BUT IT'S OKAY. BECAUSE LOCAL GOVERNMENT WILL DO WHAT'S RIGHT WHEN OPERATING UNSEEN.
WELL, THAT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER.
THAT MIGHT BE SARCASTIC.
IF YOU’RE NOT PAYING FOR JOURNALISM, YOU’RE PAYING FOR NOT HAVING JOURNALISM!

EXCUSE ME, BUT SOME OF WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS OFFENSIVE TO ME. I WONDER IF YOU COULD KEEP YOUR VOICES DOWN.
SURE, SENSITIVE GUY.
AND I WONDER IF YOU COULD ENCASE YOURSELF IN A SOUNDPROOF BUBBLE SO THE REST OF US CAN LEAD OUR LIVES LIKE WE USED TO.
SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THIS YEARS AGO.

EXCUSE ME BUT I DIDN'T LIKE THAT WORD YOU USED A MOMENT AGO. IT WAS OFFENSIVE TO ME.
WHO ARE YOU?
MY FRIENDS CALL ME 'A SENSITIVE SOUL.'
NICE. CAN I USE THE ACRONYM?
NOW I'M OFFENDED.
@## STARTED IT.
BOYCOTT!

Things I thought I needed when I was young:
Fame.
Riches.
Glory.
Things I now need:
Bed.
Coffee.
Pizza.
I WASTED SO MANY YEARS.

UGH... THIS STORY IS HORRIBLE.
Badness in the world
Goodness in the world
I'LL EVEN THIS THING YET.

HEY GOAT... I MADE YOU A 'THINKING OF YOU' CARD.
WELL, THAT WAS THOUGHTFUL.
Thinking of you... Makes me sad.
MAYBE THINK OF OTHERS NEXT TIME.
THANKS. YOUR LIFE WAS REALLY BRINGING ME DOWN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DRINKING A COKE.
IT'S NINE IN THE MORNING. YOU CAN'T DRINK A COKE AT NINE IN THE MORNING.
WHO SAYS?
IT'S ACTUALLY A LAW.
I NEED TO STAY BETTER INFORMED.
YOU DO.
IF ONLY HE HAD WAITED 'TIL NOON.

Enjoying
the company
of others.
Social
media:
Staring at
an electronic
device by
yourself.
SOMETHING'S
BEEN
MISNAMED.

Me at the beginning of a new challenge:

GO! GO! GO! GO! (hop hop hop hop hop hop hop)
Me after encountering the first small obstacle:

Everything is useless... GIVE UP NOW
WELL, YOU'RE GOOD AT STARTING OUT.

EVEN BETTER AT QUITTING.

WELL, IT'S BEEN GREAT TALKING TO YOU, BUT I THINK I'D BETTER GET GOING.
HOW COME?
I'M GOOD FOR AN HOUR OF CONVERSATION. AFTER THAT, MY TRUE SELF COMES OUT AND SOMEBODY LEAVES IN TEARS.
IT'S GOOD TO KNOW ONE’S LIMITATIONS.

Dear Mama,
Good news!
Your dreams for your son's life have come true.
If those dreams were of me spending life fat on a couch.
ITS ALL IN HOW YOU FRAME IT.

AND NOW A MESSAGE FROM
O
P
I
N
I
O
N
B
E
G
O
N
E
TIRED OF HAVING TO HEAR
This guy just
ruined that movie for me.
Well, everyone’s
entitled to their opinion.

WELL, NOW THERE’S AN ANSWER.
OPINION
BEGONE
NOW WHEN SOMEONE SHOUTS OUT
A STRING OF STUPID THINGS
The earth is flat?
Political donations
are not bribes?
The Knicks have
a good team?
OUR CRACK TEAM OF OPINION
BE-GONERS’ MOVES IN AND STOPS
THAT PERSON FROM YAMMERING.*
* GAG
REMOVED
FOR MEALS.
MMMPH MMMPH
BECAUSE WHILE EVERYONE
MAY BE ENTITLED TO
THEIR OPINION,
THEIRS IS A WHOLE DIFFERENT
MATTER
SORRY, CAN’T HEAR
YOU
I SOLD FIVE
BILLION IN THE
FIRST HOUR.
BUT I THINK
EVERYONE’S OPINION IS VALUABLE AND
CODE
RED! CODE!
RED!

OH, THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!
Where you went...
- Work
- Home
- Bed
LIFE IS BETTER WHEN YOU'RE FIVE.

And now a special message from Pig.
Me!
Do you have anxiety about social gatherings?
Afraid you’ll say something dumb?
Well, fear no more.
Presenting ‘HOLE IN FLOOR’!
Say something dumb and BOOM, you’re gone.
Where’s Pig?
No idea.
I FIGURE I CAN SELL A HUNDRED MILLION.
WHERE WAS THIS IN JUNIOR HIGH?

Dear Acme Bank,
Today you put me on hold for 38 minutes.
That was bad, but survivable.
What was not survivable was hearing your jingle 76 times.
I am now insane.
YOU WERE INSANE BEFORE.
THEY MADE IT WORSE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING, PIG?
TO GET MY DIGITAL ALARM CLOCK MODIFIED.
MODIFIED HOW?
TO ADD THE OLD "TICK TOCK" SOUND OF REGULAR CLOCKS. I MISS IT. BUT APPARENTLY ITS PRETTY EXPENSIVE TO MAKE IT GO 'TICK'.
WHAT ABOUT "TOCK"?
'TOCK' IS CHEAP.
MAY TIME RUN OUT ON YOUR CAREER.

WHY AREN'T YOU GETTING COFFEE TODAY?
THE DINER'S COFFEE MAKER BROKE.
OH, GREAT. SO GOVERNMENT AGENTS SABOTAGED OUR COFFEE TO CRIPPLE OUR WILL AND FACILITATE OUR MARCH TO MASS DETENTION CENTERS STAFFED BY GENETICALLY-MODIFIED SUPER APES.
OH MY.
HE'S SLIGHTLY PARANOID.
YOU FOOLS! THEY HEARD THAT!

WHO ARE YOU?
LAST NIGHT'S POTATO SOUFFLE FROM THE FRIDGE. YOU CALL US 'LEFTOVERS'. WE'RE HERE TO PROTEST.
PROTEST WHAT?
THE WORD 'LEFTOVERS'! IT HAS A NEGATIVE CONNOTATION.
SO WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE CALLED?
'PRE-EATENS'!
THIS ERA IS OUT OF CONTROL.
FOOD SHAMING! FOOD SHAMING!

I THINK THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE... THOSE WHO THINK TEDDY COULD MAKE ANY BREAKFAST BETTER AND THOSE WHO THINK IT COULDN'T.
I GUESS I'M A "JELLY COULD" GUY.
DUH.
WHY "DUH"?
BECAUSE EVERYONE LIKES JELLY. DUH.
BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE HATE JELLY. SO YOU CAN'T SAY "DUH" THAT. NO ONE CAN "DUH" THAT.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
HEY, SCIENCE GUY BILL. WE RAT'S ARE ARGUING AGAINST ME.
YEAH, YEAH... AND I AM ME.
LET ME DECIDE. PIG, WHAT ARE YOU ARGUING FOR?
FOR HE'S A JELLY COULD' FELLOW, WHICH NOBODY CAN "DUH", NYE.
HE'S NEITHER JOLLY NOR GOOD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
STANDING BEHIND MY PAL WHITNEY WHILE SHE'S ON THIS LADDER. WHIT'S AFRAID SHE MIGHT FALL.
THAT'S NICE OF YOU.
YEAH... HEY, COME STAND OVER HERE SO I CAN TELL YOU SOMETHING.
TELL ME WHAT?
THAT I'M AT WHIT'S END WITH YOU.
DITTO.

SELF IMPROVEMENT QUIZ
To truly be happy, one must be able to answer "yes" to the following question: Are you being the best you you can be?
How do you answer that question?
Yes!
Explain:
God didn't give me much to work with.
NO WONDER I'M SO HAPPY.

HEY THERE, RAT... HOW ARE YOU?
I'M ALWAYS ANGRY AND I FEAR DEATH.
'FINE' IS A COMMONLY ACCEPTED ANSWER.
OH, AND I'M TIRED OF STUPID PEOPLE RUNNING EVERYTHING.

YOU NEED TO BE MORE SPECIFIC WHEN YOU TELL HIM TO BRING HOME THAI.
Hey… Whuh time dinner?

HEY, RAT, WHY'D YOU MOVE YOUR COFFEE?
SUPERSTITION. COFFEE HAS TO BE ON THE RIGHT OR SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN.
HAHA. THAT'S REALLY ODD.
ODDER THAN THE GUY WHO HAS TO COVER HIS BACK SHOULDER WHEN HE'S SLEEPING BECAUSE IF HE DOESN'T, HE THINKS HE'LL GET STABBED?
LET'S NOT GET PERSONAL.
WILL IT BE BY A GHOSTY GHOST?

PLAN FOR MY LIFE
GO TO GOOD SCHOOL
Find perfect spouse
Get great job
Have nice kids
Make lotsa money
Retire young
PLAN FOR MY LI-
THE WORLD KEEPS MESSING UP MY PLANS.