Pearls Before Swine | Search

TODAY WE LIVE IN THE MOST AMAZING ERA EVER. ALL THE WORLD'S INFO AND GOODS AND SERVICES AT OUR FINGERTIPS.
FOODS, RIDES, DATES, TICKETS - ANYTHING YOU WANT - INSTANTLY AVAILABLE.
AND WE'RE NOT ONE BIT HAPPIER.
IN FACT, WE'RE QUITE MISERABLE !!
CURSE YOU EVIL LITTLE THING.

WITH TEAMWORK,
EVERYTHING
IS
POSSIBLE
Like getting
backstabbed
by your
co-workers
Because
only the
Suck-ups
win
LET'S NOT
MAKE OUR OWN
WORKPLACE
POSTERS.
HOLD STILL.
I'M DRAWING
YOU AS
A WEASEL.

HEY, RAT, PIG AND I NEED YOUR HELP. MY CAR BATTERY'S DEAD AND WE'RE STRANDED.
OH, NO, I’D HELP, BUT I'M HAVING MY OWN EMERGENCY. I CAN'T LEAVE MY HOUSE.
OH MY GOD. WHAT HAPPENED?
NEW SEASON OF 'GAME OF THRONES'.
I QUESTION WHETHER THAT'S AN ACTUAL EMERGENCY.
CAN'T MOVE.
SEND FOOD.

To all the
people who said
I would amount
to very little..
HA!
I wouldn’t
amount to
ANYTHING
IT FEELS GOOD
TO PROVE PEOPLE WRONG.

EXCUSE ME, BUT I NOTICE THERE'S A NUMERICAL KEYPAD ON THE BATHROOM DOOR. CAN I GET THE CODE?
SURE. IT'S THE YEAR THE AMERICAN CIVIL WAR STARTED.
I DON'T KNOW THE YEAR.
THEN I GUESS YOUR DUMBNESS PRECLUDES YOU.
I LIKE TO INCENTIVIZE READING.

A Message of Hope in these Difficult Times.
by Rat
RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN.
BEST I COULD DO.

CITIZENS...CITIZENS...CAN I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU?
WHO ARE YOU?
TRUTH. AND I'VE TAKEN A REAL BEATING LATELY.
WHAT HAPPENED?
TWEETS. SOCIAL MEDIA. TELEVISION. PEOPLE EVERYWHERE ARE LYING MORE EFFECTIVELY THAN EVER BEFORE.
WHAT DO WE DO, MR. TRUTH?
QUESTION THINGS. QUESTION SOURCES. PAY FOR JOURNALISM. READ HISTORY. THINK CRITICALLY. BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, THINGS ARE GONNA GET MUCH, MUCH WORSE.
THEN WE YAWNED AND BEAT HIM WITH HIS LANTERN.
THE TRUTH HURTS.
HE WAS PROBABLY A SOCIALIST FASCIST TERRORIST.

THIS STORY SAYS THAT WITH THE WORLD'S ICE MELTING AT A RECORD RATE, POLAR BEARS ARE FINDING IT HARDER AND HARDER TO HUNT FOR SEALS.
OH MY GOODNESS... WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO TO SURVIVE?
DOMINO'S? GIMME A LARGE PEPPERONI.

TONIGHT ON THE NEWS, CORRUPT PEOPLE STOPPED BEING CORRUPT, GREEDY PEOPLE STOPPED BEING GREEDY, AND EVERYONE STARTED CARING ABOUT OTHERS.
IN OTHER NEWS, WINGED BUNNIES FLEW OUT OF MY REAR.
IT'S SAD WHEN THE NEWSCASTERS CRACK.
FLY ME AWAY, BUNNIES!

I DON'T GET IT. WOMEN NEVER SEEM TO LIKE ME.
THAT'S BECAUSE WOMEN LIKE TOUGH GUYS, RULE-BREAKERS, RISK-TAKERS.
LADIES, THIS IS MY iPHONE! IT DOES NOT HAVE A PROTECTIVE CASE!!!
KEEP TRYING.
DROPPED THE PHONE.

HEY THERE, SAMMY SPONGE. HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD. I'VE BEEN READING A LOT LATELY, BUT I NEVER SEEM TO RETAIN THE INFORMATION.
THAT'S ODD. I WOULD THINK YOU'D SOAK UP INFO LIKE A--
SPONGE? A SPONGE? I DON'T!!! SO @#$% YOU AND YOUR RACIST METAPHORS!!!
YOU GOTTA WATCH WHAT YOU SAY THESE DAYS.

SO THE PUBLIC RESTROOM HERE HAS A FAUCET AND SOAP DISPENSER THAT START AUTOMATICALLY WHEN I PUT MY HANDS UNDER THEM. AND A HAND DRYER THAT DOES THE SAME.
YEAH. ALL FOR SANITARY REASONS SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO TOUCH ANYTHING.
WHICH IS GREAT.
'TIL IT'S ALL CANCELLED OUT WHEN I HAVE TO PULL THE BATHROOM DOOR OPEN!!
YOUR PASSION IS NOTEWORTHY.
HAND-WASHING: A BIG WASTE OF TIME.

HEY NEIGHBOR NANCY, HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. TRYING TO SEE IF I CAN GET MY HAIR PERMED TODAY.
WHO DOES IT?
LO FROM THE COMIC STRIP HI AND LOIS. BUT SHE'LL ONLY DO A FEW PERMS A DAY, SO I HAVE TO CALL AND SEE HOW MANY SHE HAS SCHEDULED.
WHAT'S SHE CALLING ABOUT?
LO'S PERM COUNT.
OKAY, COMIC STRIP OVER.
HEY, WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST GOOD GROOMING?

BUY LOTTERY TICKET.
WIN LOTTERY.
Woo hoo
COLLECT MONEY.
SPEND MONEY.
SPEND MONEY.
SPEND MONEY.
AND THERE'S YOUR NEW RETIREMENT PLAN.
I NEED A NEW FINANCIAL ADVISER.

HEY OUTDOOR QWIE, WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO IF YOU'RE IN THE WILD AND A HUGE BEAR CHARGES TOWARD YOU?
WELL, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T RUN.
WHY NOT?
YOU DON'T WANT TO MAKE THE BEAR WORK TOO HARD FOR HIS FOOD.
AWW... HOW THOUGHTFUL.
NOT THE REASON.
DO BEARS KNOW YOU'RE HELPING THEM?

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, COULD I GET A CUP OF COFFEE?
YOU WANT ROOM?
YEAH. ME WANT ROOM. ME WANT SHOWER. ME WANT BED.
IT IS NEVER OKAY TO PUNCH CUSTOMERS.
SURELY, THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS.

English quiz
Use the words "depot" and "cattle" in a sentence.
That's depot calling the cattle black.
ENGLISH IS MY BESTEST SUBJECT.

English quiz
Use "olfactory" in a sentence.
The ol' factory is ugly.
YOUR MOM MUST BE SO PROUD.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, GIMME A DECAF AMERICANO.
CAN I GET A NAME?
SURE.
I'LL CALL YOU "RAT WITH BIG SCHNOZZ".
WE DON'T KICK CUSTOMERS IN THE NETHER REGIONS.

Nothing I like is good for me.
But everything I don't like is.
UNIVERSE, WHY DO YOU HATE ME?
SOMEONE HAD TO ASK.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I GOT THIS GUY TO HELP ME MAKE FAKE HUMAN LIMBS.
WHAT FOR?
THE ZOO NEEDS THEM TO REACH INTO THE ANIMAL CAGES.
WHY?
TO PROBE THE ANIMALS' BODIES WHEN THEY'RE SICK OR THEY'VE BROKEN SOMETHING, GETS THEM HABITUATED FOR WHEN THEY HAVE TO USE REAL ARMS AS PROBES.
WHAT ARE YOU MAKING THEM OUT OF? IS THAT BEECHWOOD?
NO, IT AIN'T. I'VE GOT TO BE MADE OF OAK. ZOO MADE OF PINE. AND I MADE OF CEDAR.
SO NO BEECH?
NOPE. I'VE GOT TO PROBE LIMBS. BUT A BEECH AIN'T ONE.
THEY MAKE GOOD HAMMERS.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING PIG?
A LIST OF THE PLACES I WANT TO TRAVEL TO BEFORE I DIE.
TERRIFIC! WHAT DO YOU HAVE SO FAR?
Nearest hospital
HOPEFULLY, THEY DRIVE FAST.

MORNING, PIG. DID YOU HEAR ALL THE STUFF HAPPENING IN THE NEWS?
NOPE.
FOR I AM PROTECTED BY THE WARM BLANKET O' GOODNESS THROUGH WHICH NO TWEET CAN PENETRATE.
PLEASE GET YOUR OWN WARM BLANKET O' GOODNESS.

RAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING SMOKING AGAIN? YOUR DOCTOR SAID IT COULD REALLY SHORTEN YOUR LIFE.
CLIMATE SCIENTISTS SAY COMPLETE ENVIRONMENTAL CATASTROPHE MAY BE JUST TWENTY YEARS AWAY
PUFF PUFF PUFF
PUFF PUFF PUFF

HEY, GOAT, WILL YOU HELP ME WITH THIS CREDIT CARD APPLICATION?
I'M SURE YOU CAN MANAGE IT YOURSELF, PIG. BUT I CAN DOUBLECHECK IT FOR YOU.
NAME: Pig
SEX: Only if it's with the right person.
I WAS OVERLY OPTIMISTIC.