Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, GOAT. CALLING TO SAY I'M AT OLD MAN JOHNSON'S HOUSE. HE CAME HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL TO DIE AT HOME.
WELL, THERE'S SOMETHING TO BE SAID FOR DYING PEACEFULLY IN YOUR OWN BED.
HE'S NOT GOING PEACEFULLY.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
WELL, GIVEN THE STATE OF THINGS, WE THOUGHT WE'D GET A HEAD START ON EVERYONE.
A HEAD START TO WHERE?
HELL IN A HANDBASKET.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
THAT'S ONE WAY TO HANDLE THINGS.

HEY, BRUH...HOW'S YOUR DORM? IS IT SICK?
YEAH. IT'S OKAY.
ANY OF YOUR ROOMMATES CRAY?
NO.
YO. YOU CAN KEEP IT ONE HUNDRED WITH ME.
I AM.
HEARD YOU WENT TO A PARTY. WAS IT LIT?
IT WAS FINE.
YOU GET PRETTY TURN'T? THAT'D BE DOPE.
IT'S EMBARRASSING WHEN YOU CALL AND READ FROM A LIST OF SLANG YOU JUST FOUND ON THE INTERNET, DAD.
STOP THROWING SHADE, BRUH.
I'M GONNA GO NOW, DAD.

IF YOU'RE LIKE ME, YOU PROBABLY JUST LEARNED THE TERM "FOMO"... IT MEANS "FEAR OF MISSING OUT."
AND YOU'RE THE ONE MISSING OUT, BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT ON TOP OF TODAY'S SLANG. SO GET AHEAD OF THE CURVE WITH THIS HANDY GUIDE.
FOBO
FEAR OF BEING OBLONG
FOCO
FEAR OF CAREFREE OTTERS
FODO
FEAR OF DEMORALIZING OATMEAL
FOFO
FEAR OF FAMILY OCCASIONS
YOU LEFT OUT F.O.F.T.A.T.A.
FEAR OF FAILING TO AMUSE ANYONE.
I DON'T HAVE THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
TRYING OUT THIS SYNCHRONICITY THEORY. IT SAYS THAT IF YOU BELIEVE YOU WILL GET SOMETHING, YOU WILL. SO I WROTE DOWN WHAT I WANT.
WHAT'D YOU WRITE?
PEACE FOR ALL MANKIND. HERE... YOU TRY.
Nachos.
YOU CAN PROBABLY JUST BUY THEM.
THEY DON'T DROP FROM THE SKY?

COME PLAY WITH ME, DAD!
I JUST DID. NOW I'M READING. REMEMBER, YOU GET YOUR TIME AT THE PARK AND I GET MINE.
Dat smart. And juss tink, one day he no need your time at all.

THE TRIAL OF THIS GUY HAS TAKEN OVER A MONTH.
THAT’S ABSURD.
WHY IS THAT ABSURD?
BECAUSE I CAN JUDGE A GUY IN TWO SECONDS ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
SOME PEOPLE LIKE EVIDENCE.
NO TIME. JUST JUMP ON THE BANDWAGON AND GO.

HEY, GOAT, WHY DO YOU HAVE PHOTOS OF ARMY GUYS ON YOUR BLOG?
THEY’RE PHOTOS OF NORMANDY BEACH DURING WORLD WAR TWO. I POST THEM EVERY ELECTION DAY AS A REMINDER.
A REMINDER OF WHAT?
THAT PEOPLE FOUGHT AND DIED SO YOU WOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO VOTE TODAY.
HE’S A VERY PERSUASIVE GOAT.
CAN I VOTE MORE THAN ONCE PLEASE?

EVERY TIME I GO TO THE BATHROOM AT HOME, I WALK 37.9 FEET. AND I GO TO THE BATHROOM TEN TIMES A DAY.
SO?
SO OVER THE COURSE OF A YEAR, THAT'S 138,335 FEET, WHICH WORKS OUT TO OVER 26 MILES.
WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME ALL THIS?
BECAUSE I'VE COMPLETED MY FIRST MARATHON!
I DON'T THINK THAT COUNTS.
IT JUST TAKES DISCIPLINE.

RAT'S RECIPES FOR DISASTER
Buy newspapers. You'd THINK there'd be some tension.
Replace them with billions of people whose only qualification is having a computer.
Heard a rumor today that squirrels can kill.
SQUIRREL TERRORIST CELLS! I will RE-TWEET THAT.
Stir in a few RUSSIANS... AMERIKANS... SQUIRRELS KILLSKI YOUSKI!!!
Have an election that is permeated on an informed electorate.
SQUIRRELS HATE YOUR FREEDOMS!
HE WILL ELECT... er... HE WILL ELECT JEFF.
Cook 'till democracy evaporates.
MAYBE WE SHOULD PAY FOR JOURNALISM AGAIN.
DON'T BOTHER. WE'RE COOKED.
I'LL BE SAFE IN HERE.

WHO'S THAT GUY?
PRAYING PUPPY.
HE PRAYS TWELVE HOURS A DAY.
HOW INSPIRATIONAL.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HE PRAYS FOR?
SOMEONE THAT DEVOTED?
PROBABLY JUST FOR LOVE AND PEACE IN THESE DIFFICULT TIMES.
Treats.
More.

MY
RELIGION
IS ALL
ABOUT
LOVE FOR
MY FELLOW
MAN.
MY
RELIGION
IS ALL
ABOUT
LOVE FOR
MY FELLOW
MAN.
Believe
in my
RELIGION
OF LOVE!
Believe
in my
RELIGION
OF LOVE!
ALL
OF
HISTORY
EXPLAINED.
GOOD
THING
THAT'S ALL
IN THE
PAST.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
FOOD FOR MY CAMPING TRIP. I HAVE RAISINS IN MY RAISIN SACK, AND GRANOLA IN MY GRANOLA SACK.
AND NUTS IN MY NUT SACK.
I KNEW WE WERE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM HERE.
WHY ARE YOU GRABBING HIS NUT SACK?
I FEEL SO VIOLATED.

TRICK OR TREAT!!!
WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?
A NEIGHBOR WHO DOESN'T SHARE YOUR SOURCE OF NEWS. SO WHILE WE'VE NEVER AGREED ON THE EVENTS OF THE DAY, I NOW HAVE NO IDEA WHAT EVENTS YOU'RE EVEN TALKING ABOUT, BECAUSE I NOW ONLY HEAR WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.
THEN HE SCREAMED AND LOCKED THE DOOR.

IN A UNISEX BATHROOM, SHOULD YOU LEAVE THE TOILET SEAT UP OR DOWN?
UP, OF COURSE. WHY WOULDN'T I?
BECAUSE WOMEN PEE SITTING DOWN.
I FEEL LIKE YOUR EDUCATION WAS INCOMPLETE.
MY GOD, THEY'RE MYSTERIOUS.

I'M SMART AND I'M ALWAYS BITTER. YOU'RE STUPID AND YOU'RE ALWAYS HAPPY. HOW IN THE WORLD CAN THAT BE?
STUPIDIOSITY IS UNDERRATED.
NOT A WORD.
GRAMMAR NOT IS CONCERN FOR WE.

YOUR GUIDE TO FINANCIAL FREEDOM
by Rat
Working hard is the single biggest contributor to your odds of financial success.
As well as to heart disease, depression, and strokes.
So life has you by the oompaloopmas.
Give up now.
I WAS HOPING FOR A MORE POSITIVE ENDING.

HEY, OLD WOMAN WANDA, RAT SAYS YOU'VE BEEN COMPLAINING TO THE POLICE ABOUT SOME OF THE STUFF YOU'VE SEEN GOING ON AT OUR HOUSE.
YOU BET I HAVE AND WILL CONTINUE TO. WHY?
BECAUSE IT'S CURTAINS FOR YOU.
PRETTY LACY ONES TO COVER YOUR WINDOWS!
MAYBE I'LL JUST LEAVE THEM ON THE PORCH.

WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO, RAT?
PIG ASKED IF I WANTED TO TAKE THE FERRY WITH HIM.
THE FERRY? I DIDN'T KNOW WE HAD FERRY SERVICE.
ME NEITHER.
YOU NEED TO BE A LOT MORE SPECIFIC.

Percentage of my problems that occur during my waking hours:
100%
Percentage of my problems that occur when I am asleep in bed:
0%
BED IS MATHEMATICALLY CORRECT.

SO I SAW THIS GREAT MOVIE. LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENS IN IT.
OH GOSH, I'D LOVE TO TALK MORE. BUT MY PHONE BATTERY IS ABOUT TO DIE AND MIGHT CUT YOU OFF.
WE'RE NOT TALKING ON THE PHONE.
I FORGOT THAT DOESN'T WORK IN PERSON.

I JUST REALIZED THAT ALL THE DUMB THINGS I'VE EVER DONE HAVE HAPPENED AFTER DRINKING A SIX-PACK OF BEER.
WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?
THAT INTELLIGENCE REQUIRES AT LEAST SEVEN BEERS.
NO.
DRINKING IS ALWAYS THE ANSWER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
TRYING TO DO A SUMMARY OF ALL THE WORLD'S RELIGIONS FOR THIS CLASS I'M TAKING. BUT THERE ARE SO MANY RELIGIONS THAT I'VE ALREADY WRITTEN 100 PAGES.
Be kind.
NOW I FEEL WORDY.

HEY, RAT, THIS IS MY EXERCISE BUDDY, ED.
HEY. WANT A BEER?
HAHA...NO. I DON'T DRINK ALCOHOL.
WANT TO SPLIT A PIZZA?
OHH NO, NO, NO...THAT'S TERRIBLE FOR YOU.
CHILI FRIES?
GOODNESS...HOW CAN YOU EAT STUFF LIKE THAT? YOU TAKE YEARS OFF YOUR LIFE.
BECAUSE LIFE IS AN AMUSEMENT PARK. AND WHILE YOU'LL STAY THERE LONGER, ALL THE RIDES WILL BE CLOSED.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
LEARNING TO SHARE. I NEVER GIVE ANYTHING TO ANYONE. AND THAT HAS TO CHANGE.
ALL THESE FOODS ARE MONTHS PAST THEIR EXPIRATION DATE.
SO SHARING'S NOT THE SAME AS CLEANING OUT YOUR REFRIGERATOR?
NO.
OOH...SIX-YEAR-OLD YOGURT!