Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, STEPH. ARE WE STILL MEETING FOR LUNCH TODAY?
I CAN'T.
WHY NOT?
I SAT ON A LEATHER COUCH IN SHORTS IN AUGUST.
HE'S STUCK TO HIS COUCH 'TIL WINTER.
THERE ARE WORSE THINGS.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, I'M THINK- ING ABOUT JOIN- ING YOUR GYM... I NEED TO GET IN SHAPE.
WELL, YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE. WE HAVE A LOT OF BIKES, AND THEY'RE ALL HOOKED UP TO THE POWER GRID. SO THE MORE YOU EXERCISE, THE MORE YOU GENERATE CLEAN ENERGY.
OH, GREAT... AND HOW MUCH RIDING WOULD IT TAKE FOR ME TO GET IN SHAPE?
I'LL BE POWERING ALL OF AFRICA FOR THE NEXT FOUR YEARS.

WELL, MOM, DAD, I'M OFF TO FACE THE WORLD.
GOOD LUCK, SON... DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU WANT TO DO FOR A LIVING?
WELL, I LOVE KIDS. AND I LOVE BASEBALL. SO MAYBE I'LL TEACH THEM HOW TO SWING A BAT.
THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A GOOD MOMENT FOR PARENTAL GUIDANCE.

HEY, RAT, THERE'S SOMEONE AT THE DOOR ASKING IF HE CAN HIDE HERE. HE SAYS EVERY-ONE IN THE WORLD IS OUT TO GET HIM.
OUT TO GET HIM HOW?
BEAT HIM TO A PULP.
WHAT KIND OF PARANOID WEIRDO THINKS THAT? TELL HIM NO WAY.
SORRY, PACO PIÑATA.

WHERE WERE YOU THE NIGHT OF JUNE 10?
WELL...
DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS THE EASY WAY OR THE HARD WAY?
I'M JUST KIDDING. WE WERE GONNA ASK YOUR GIRLFRIEND BROKE UP WITH YOU THAT DAY. CALLED YOU A TWO-TIMING TURD.
YOUR MOOD THAT NIGHT WAS ANGRY. YOU TOOK AN UBER TO JOE'S DINER. ORDERED TEN BURGERS.
THERE YOU MET THE OTHER WOMAN, ASHLEY, WHO TURNS OUT YOU KNEW FROM THE STOLEN CAR, BOTH OF YOU SMILING.
WHICH IS SURPRISING BECAUSE NEITHER OF YOU SEEMED HAPPY AT THE JUNE 3 BECK CONCERT.
OH MY GOD SO IT WAS THAT LITTLE RAT ASHLEY THAT SQUEALED ON ME!!
NO, IT WAS ME, MARK ZUCKERBERG. I KNOW EVERYTHING NOW.
WELL, THIS IS DEPRESSING.
AND FACEBOOK TOOK OVER THE WORLD. THE END.
I PRAY THEY LIKE MY PHOTOS POSTS.

I HEARD YOUR LANDLORD IS DOUBLING YOUR RENT.
YEAH. ALL THE HIPSTERS ARE MOVING INTO THE TOWN. SO NOW RENTS ARE SOARING.
GOSH, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
WE HIRED A PROFESSIONAL TO HELP.
WE SHOULD WALK FASTER, BRAD.

YOUR PARTY CAUSES ALL OUR PROBLEMS.
YOURS IS FILLED WITH RACISTS.
YOURS IS FILLED WITH TRAITORS!
HOW DARE YOU!
SCUM!
MORONS!
GO TO YOUR ROOM! ALL OF YOU!
JERKS!
LIARS!
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BO?
I JUST FINISHED PAINTING THIS HORSEBACK RIDER, AND NOW I'M THINKING I WANT TO ADD IN HIS LEFT HAND. BUT I'M NOT SURE WHERE I SHOULD PUT IT.
SOMEWHERE OVER THE REIN, BO.
YOU ARE TO CARTOONING WHAT LICE IS TO HAIR.

GUARD DUCK! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
CLASSIFIED, SIR. BUT I'VE RE-ESTABLISHED MY BUNKER ON THE FRONT LAWN.
OH MY GOODNESS. DID SOMETHING HAPPEN??
I DON'T WANT TO ALARM YOU, SIR. BUT YES, YOU'VE HAD AN INVASION AND WE NEED TO REPEL IT.
HIPSTERS.
I'LL ACT FAST, SIR.
HURRY, BEFORE OUR CAFE HAS FOUR DOLLAR COFFEE.

I THINK I DISCOVERED HOW TO ELIMINATE HALF OF ALL MY PROBLEMS.
WOW. SOUNDS PROMISING. WHAT'S YOUR PLAN?
Talk less.
MY MOUTH IS GONNA BE SO DISAPPOINTED.

WHATS THE MATTER, GOAT?
ALL THESE PEOPLE SAYING MEAN THINGS ABOUT ME ON THE INTER-NET, AND EVERYONE YELLING AT EVERYONE. AND EVERYONE BEING OUTRAGED. HOW IS A GUY SUPPOSED TO DEAL ?
KEERPLUNK
THAT'S MY METHOD.

It seems like we are a bit divided.
YOU BIG FAT STUPID WEASEL
OH YEAH? I HATE YOU!
So here’s some advice from everyone’s favorite Rat …
Yell louder, because volume convinces.
OH … I SEE YOUR POINT!
Insult more, because disrespect opens hearts.
Scum!
Jerk!
Loser!
Listen to more of the shows that made you hate everyone. Because that helps.
THEY’RE MORONS!
ARRGH! YES! YES! YES!
For as they say, ‘DIVIDED, WE THRIVE.’
IT’S DIVIDED, WE FALL.
OH … WELL … I STAND CORRECTED.
I WILL INSULT YOU TILL I CONVINCE YOU!

WE GOT AN ANGRY LETTER FROM
A GUY IN HARRISBURG, PA. HE
SAYS, "THE GRAMMATICAL ERRORS IN
YOUR STRIP MAKE MY HAIR STAND
ON END. EITHER GET AN EDITOR
OR LEARN PROPER ENGLISH."
WHOA. DOES
ANYONE REALLY
GET THAT MAD
ABOUT ERRORS
IN A COMIC
STRIP
THIS
GUY
DO.
I FEEL TERRIBLE.
I BETTER LIE
THIS PILLOW DOWN
ON THE GROUND
AND LAY DOWN
ON IT.
ME
TO.
SOMEWHERE IN HARRISBURG, PENNSYLVANIA...

ACME HEALTH INSURANCE.
HOW CAN WE HELP YOU?
YES. I HAD TO BE RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL WITH A MASSIVE INFECTION AND YOU WOULDN’T PAY FOR IT.
CAN I ASK WHY?
YES. THAT WAS AN ELECTIVE PROCEDURE.
BUT I WOULD HAVE DIED.
AND YOU ELECTED TO LIVE.
THEY’VE GOT ME THERE.

PARDON ME, BUT
I WAS OFFENDED
BY SOMETHING YOU
SAID LAST WEEK.
OKAY, BUT
I'M GONNA
KEEP SAYING THE
THINGS I SAY.
BUT
I'M
OFFENDED.
RIGHT.
WHAT NOW?
I DON'T
KNOW.
AND THEN
HIS HEAD
EXPLODED.
HE LED
A FULL,
COMPLAINY
LIFE.

A Message of Hope.
by Rat
Everything will be okay.
PROVIDED WE ALL SURVIVE THE COMING APOCALYPSE
IT'S GOOD TO KEEP EXPECTATIONS LOW.

ACME HEALTH INSURANCE
HOW CAN WE HELP YOU?
YEAH, I HAD TO HAVE AN
EMERGENCY APPENDECTOMY
AND YOU GUYS WOULDN'T
PAY THE BILL. CAN I ASK
THE REASON WHY?
SURE. LET ME LOOK
THAT UP...
AH... HERE IT IS...
DIDN'T FEEL LIKE
IT.
IT'S NICE WHEN THEY'RE
UP FRONT.

THIS SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE SAYS THEY NOW HAVE A NEW PRIVACY POLICY. WONDER IF I SHOULD CLICK THE "REVIEW DETAILS" BUTTON.

GO FOR IT. I DOUBT ANYONE EVER CLICKS IT.
OUR NEW POLICY
1) Same as old one.
2) Hahaha.
AT LEAST THEY'RE CONSISTENT.

ELLY ELEPHANT WROTE IN HER DIARY.
dear diary,
i want a
boyfriend.
one I can go
out with once
a week.
who is quiet but
impactful.
solid but fun.
who supports
nothing but
never chastises.
and above all,
gives me space.
almost like i can
just take him out
when i want and
put him away
when i don’t.
ELLY ELEPHANT REALIZED
SHE HAD JUST DESCRIBED
A BOWLING BALL.
elly lived happily
ever after.

HEY, RAT, THIS IS MY PAL, PETEY THE PERMANENTLY OFFENDED GUY.
WHAT'S HE YELLING ABOUT?
OH. I'M NOT YELLING. IT'S JUST THAT IF YOU SPEND YOUR WHOLE LIFE GETTING OFFENDED YOUR FACE AND ARM EVENTUALLY FREEZE LIKE THIS.
WHAT A JOY YOU MUST BE AT PARTIES.
OKAY, NOW I'M OFFENDED!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
RAT SAYS MY PRONUNCIATION OF WORDS IS OFF. SO HE GAVE ME SOME WORDS TO PRACTICE.
WELL, THAT WAS NICE OF HIM. WHAT WORDS DID HE GIVE YOU TO PRACTICE?
- EYE
- YAM
- FLAT
- CHEW
- LEANT
SO MATURE.
HEY, WHERE IS EVERYONE GOING?

HEY, RAT, MY
FRIEND THE
TURKEY IS ON THE
PHONE.
THE ONE
WHO MOVED
TO THE ARCTIC?
YEAH, HIS FEATHERS DON'T KEEP
HIM WARM AT ALL. ANYWAYS,
HE HEARD YOU GAVE UP BEER
AND WANTED TO KNOW IF IT WAS
GRADUAL OR ALL OF A SUDDEN.
SUDDEN.
COLD TURKEY,
COLD TURKEY.
YOU MAKE ME WANT TO
DRINK AGAIN.

HEY, RAT, THERE'S SOMEONE AT THE DOOR ASKING IF YOU RECENTLY GAVE UP BEER.
YEAH. IT MAKES ME BLOATED AND FAT AND I JUST DIDN'T WANT IT IN MY LIFE ANYMORE. WHY?
BECAUSE SOME OF US HAVE FEELINGS, BRO!
BEER IS MORE SENSITIVE THAN YOU'D THINK.
THOUGHT WE WERE TIGHT, MAN!!

You're born.
Waaah
You get, on average, 77 years to live.
Until you buy the great dirt farm.
Today, you moved one step closer to the dirt farm.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
I've gotten better birthday cards.
Sure. But mine are realistic.

I'M SO OLD I CAN REMEMBER A WORLD WITH ONLY SEVEN T.V. CHANNELS.
I'M SO OLD I CAN REMEMBER WHEN WE USED TO PARADE WOMEN AROUND IN PAGEANTS WHERE WE JUDGED THEM BASED ON THEIR LOOKS.
I THINK THAT'S STILL HAPPENING.
WHOA.
WAIT.
WHAT YEAR IS THIS?