Pearls Before Swine | Search

HELLO?
RAT, IT'S YOUR BOSS AT THE CAFE... WHY AREN'T YOU HERE?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I GET THE DAY OFF.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU TOOK A DAY OFF FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY LAST WEEK.
YES, BUT I BELIEVE IN PAST LIVES AND TODAY'S THE BIRTHDAY OF MY FOURTH INCARNATION, RATILLA THE HUN.
WE NEED TO REVISE THE BIRTHDAY POLICY.
WILL THE CAFE BE SENDING A GIFT?

DID YOU KNOW THAT IF CLIMATE
CHANGE CAUSES THE OCEANS
TO RISE, MUCH OF THE WORLD'S
MOST PRODUCTIVE LAND WILL
BE UNDERWATER?
WHO CAN
SURVIVE
WITH
EVERYTHING
HALF-
SUBMERGED?
FORGOT ABOUT THEM.

I'M READING ABOUT THIS PERIOD IN RENAISSANCE HISTORY WHERE MUSICIANS CALLED MINSTRELS SANG AND PLAYED INSTRUMENTS FOR THE KING.
SOUNDS INTER-ESTING.
WHAT SOUNDS INTERESTING?
THE MINSTREL PERIOD.
HEY, YOU'RE CRAMPING OUR STYLE.
OKAY, CLEVER COMIC STRIP OVER.
COMIC STRIP CENSOR
WAIT... DID THE MINSTREL HAVE A CYCLE?

RRRRRRRING RRRRRRRING
GET UP, PIG. THE WORLD AWAITS.
AWAITS WHAT?
A CHANCE TO KICK YOU IN THE HOO-HAWS.
YOU COULD BE MORE REASSURING.
FINE... TO HAND YOU PUPPIES AND RAINBOWS.

HEY! EVERYONE BE OUTRAGED ABOUT THIS THING I WANT YOU TO BE OUTRAGED ABOUT!
OUTRAGED!
NO! BE OUTRAGED ABOUT THIS THING I WANT YOU TO BE OUTRAGED ABOUT!
OUTRAGED!
WAIT! BE OUTRAGED ABOUT THIS THING I WANT YOU TO BE OUTRAGED ABOUT!
OUTRAGED
WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! BE OUTRAGED ABOUT--
OUTRAGED
Hey... Why are you all so apathetic?
Zzzz
I WONDER WHY.
WE SHOULD BE OUTRAGED BY THAT!

HEY, RAT, ARE YOU EXERCISING NOW?
YEAH... HUFF HUFF... RAN FIVE MILES... HUFF... TRYING TO HUFF... LOSE WEIGHT.
TERRIFIC. JUST REMEMBER, IT'S IMPORTANT TO REHYDRATE AFTER ANY WORKOUT.
THIS SEEMS COUNTERPRODUCTIVE.

WELL, JEFF THE CYCLIST, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU LOST YOUR RACE FOR MAYOR. I'M GOING THROUGH THE EXIT POLLING TO FIND THE REASON.
WHAT WAS IT? DEMOGRAPHIC SHIFTS? SUBURBAN WHITE WOMEN? LOW PARTY TURNOUT?
OH, HERE IT IS.
"NO ONE LIKES CYCLISTS."
THOSE RACIST FATTIES.
AND STOP SHOWING US YOUR PACKAGE.

YEAH, CAN I GET A DOUBLE ESPRESSO?
SURE, THAT WILL BE A THOUSAND DOLLARS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
EVERY DAY YOU ORDER ONE OF THESE AND SIT AT A TABLE FOR THREE HOURS.
SO?
SO YOU'RE NOW MORE OF A TENANT THAN WE ARE.
I AM NOT SIGNING THAT LEASE.
REMEMBER, NO LOUD PARTIES AFTER 9 P.M.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, JEF THE CYCLIST?
WRITING A SPEECH TO KICK OFF MY MAYORAL CAMPAIGN. I NEED TO REALLY CONNECT WITH VOTERS.
I THINK THERE MIGHT BE A PROBLEM HERE WHERE YOU FIRST ADDRESS THE CROWD.
WHICH LINE?
DEAR LARDO'S WITH NO SELF-DISCIPLINE,
WHAT TERM DO THEY PREFER?
MAYBE WE SKIP THE SALUTATION.

GENTLEMEN... I, JEF THE CYCLIST, AM RUNNING FOR MAYOR OF THIS TOWN.
HOW COME, JEF?
TO IMPROVE THE LIVES OF CYCLISTS.
WHAT'S IN IT FOR THE REST OF US?
I'M THINKING DEPORTATION.
MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T SUPPORT JEF.
NOW WHERE DOES ONE SEND FAT, UNMOTIVATED PEOPLE?

WHY IS IT THAT EVERY SINGLE TOPIC IS NOW POLITICIZED? FOR EXAMPLE, IF YOU BRING UP THE POLICE, SOME PEOPLE SEE THEM AS DEFENDERS AND SOME SEE THEM AS DANGEROUS.
I'M NOT REALLY IN EITHER CAMP.
OH, YEAH? HOW DO YOU SEE THEM?
ON THE WHOLE, BAD. BUT ROXANNE IS A REALLY GREAT SONG.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE POLICE WITH GUNS.
OH. STING SHOULDN'T BE ARMED.

OH, GOODNESS.
SO MUCH ANGER.
EVERYONE'S SO MAD!
THAT'S SO SAD.
HOPELESS.
SIGH...
WAIT... IS THAT A LIGHT?
IT IS! IT IS!
HAAAAALLELUJAH
AND THAT'S WHAT TURNING OFF SOCIAL MEDIA IS LIKE.
WHOA. SO HAPPINESS IS A THING?
HUSH. WORLD BAD.

DEAR MR. LANDLORD,
YOU RECENTLY RAISED
OUR RENT TO AN
AMOUNT WE CAN'T
AFFORD.
That
doesn't
seem
fair.
So we're
giving
you a
time-out.
ALWAYS WORKED FOR
MY MOM.

HIYA, NEIGHBOR NANCY. HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD. I CAN NEVER SEEM TO GET EVERYTHING I WANT TO GET DONE IN A DAY.
I'VE FOUND IT HELPS TO WRITE DOWN MY DAILY GOALS.
OH, YEAH? LEMME SEE.
EAT FOOD I'LL REGRET.
SO FAR, I'VE BEEN PRETTY DISCIPLINED.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
A DATE I BOUGHT AT THE GROCERY STORE. I'VE ENCASED IT IN GLASS SO NO HARM CAN COME TO IT.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?
THAT INVITE I GOT IN THE MAIL FROM NEIGHBOR BOB'S DAUGHTER.
Save the date!
SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP.
NO NEED. I'VE GOT THIS.

WELCOME TO OUR LAW OFFICE. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
I NEED TO HIRE A LAWYER.
OKAY, WELL, THE FIRST THING I'LL NEED IS A RETAINER.
NOT THE ONE THAT HOLDS YOUR TEETH IN PLACE.
TAKE IT. I HAVE TWO.

I HAVE A SECRET TO TELL YOU, BUT YOU CAN’T TELL ANYONE.
OKAY, BUT DON’T SAY IT NOW. THAT COW COVERED IN MOSS IS RIGHT BEHIND US.
SO?
SO MOSS COW HEARS EVERYTHING.
BEST YOU COULD COME UP WITH TODAY?
I WAS RUSHIN’.
COVER BLOWN. REPEAT: COVER BLOWN.

RINNNG RINNNG
HELLO? RAT... IT'S YOUR BOSS AT THE CAFÉ. WHY AREN'T YOU HERE?
I DON'T WORK SATURDAYS.
IT'S TUESDAY.
OH, SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVEN'T CHECKED THE CALE--DAR IN THE BREAK--ROOM. I MADE IT A LITTLE MORE EMPLOYEE-FRIENDLY.
GET YOUR @#% IN HERE.
PLEASE DON'T HARASS ME IN MY OFF-HOURS SIR.

HI, PIG, WELCOME TO MY PARTY.
HI, GOAT. I BROUGHT MY FRIEND, TAYLOR. IT’S HER BIRTHDAY.
CALL ME ‘TAY.’
UH OH, PIG. I LEFT MY GLASSES IN THE CAR.
I CAN GET THEM.
HEY, HIPPIE BURT. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE COMING TO THE PARTY.
HEY, PEACE MAN. YEAH, AND I BROUGHT MY TWO FEMALE SHEEP AND MY FRIEND MANNY MOORE.
HI, PIG...JUST THOUGHT I'D SEE WHAT WAS TAKING YOU SO LONG. WHO ARE THESE GUYS?
HIPPIE BURT, TAY TWO, 'EWE.
AND MANNY MOORE!
PEACE IS FOR LOSERS.

PATIENT.
WHAT'S THE NEXT QUESTION?
WHAT'S THE NEXT QUESTION?
WHAT'S THE NEXT QUESTION?
WHAT'S THE NEXT QUESTION?
ARE YOU AN HONEST ASSESSOR OF YOURSELF?
DEFINITELY.

LOOK AT THIS VIDEO OF SOME THIRD-WORLD LEGISLATORS BRAWLING! THIS GUY PUNCHES THAT GUY! THAT GUY GETS HIM IN A HEADLOCK! THIS GUY KICKS THEM BOTH IN THE HO-HANS!
AND THIS GUY EVEN KNOWS HOW TO SWEAR IN ENGLISH! HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA AH HA... ...OH.
THAT'S OUR GOVERNMENT.
IT'S BEST TO STAY UNINFORMED THESE DAYS.

WELL, I'M OFF. GOTTA BRING HOME THE BAGELS.
WHERE'D YOU ORDER THE BAGELS FROM?
OH, I DIDN'T. I'M JUST GOING TO WORK. AND I WANTED TO SAY, "I'M BRINGING HOME THE BACON," BUT P.E.T.A. WANTS US ALL TO SAY, "I'M BRINGING HOME THE BAGELS" INSTEAD.
TELL ME YOU'RE KIDDING.
HE'S NOT. AND WATCH YOURSELF.
THOUGH EVERY TIME I WALK IN, I AM BRINGING HOME THE BACON.

Hi Mom... Our old neighbor next door died. We're going to his funeral this afternoon.
Hello, son.
Thanks for letting me know.
LOL
IT MEANS "LOTS OF LOVE"!!
"LAUGHING OUT LOUD!"

Dear P.E.T.A.
You recently informed us that we should stop saying "Be the guinea pig" and instead say, "Be the test tube." Otherwise, we're being 'speciesists.'
Personally, I think stuff like that makes you look like a bunch of loons.
HUMANS WITH DIMINISHED MENTAL CAPACITY.
THANKS.

P.E.T.A. WOULD LIKE US TO STOP USING THE PHRASE "KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE". INSTEAD, WE ALL NEED TO START SAYING, "FEED TWO BIRDS WITH ONE SCONE."
IS THAT TODAY'S JOKE, OR IS IT REAL?
REAL.
WHAT THE @#$%! IS HAPPENING IN THIS WORLD?