Pearls Before Swine | Search

SORRY TO INTERRUPT, MISS. BUT WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT ON YOUR PHONE?
WATCHING THE WARRIORS GAME.
GOSH. I REMEMBER A TIME WHEN THE ONLY WAY TO WATCH A GAME WAS ON A T.V. THAT HAD EIGHT CHANNELS. BUT I GUESS I'M DATING MYSELF.
GOOD. BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WILL DATE YOU.
IGNORE THAT.
I HAVE TO GO NOW.

TONIGHT ON THE NEWS, MORE STORIES THAT WILL DEPRESS YOU TO NO END, SO BEFORE WE GET STARTED...
CABLE NEWS IS REALLY IMPROVING.

WHAT DO
YOU HAVE
THERE,
GOAT?
A SELF-ESTEEM-
BUILDING EXERCISE.
YOU SHOULD
TRY
IT.
Write down
something
you’re better at
than anyone
else.
Finishing
last.
I’M NOT SURE THAT
HELPED.

WHO IS IT?
THE WORLD. GET OUT OF BED.
NO. I'M SCARED. EVERYTHING'S CRAZY NOW.
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
PEOPLE ACTING NUTS. EVERYONE GETTING SHOT. NOWHERE BEING SAFE.
OH. WELL, IT'S BETTER NOW.
REALLY?

REALLY. EVERYTHING IS... PEACHY.
YOU PROMISE?
SWEAR TO GOD.
OKAY, BUT LET ME JUST CHECK TWITTER TO BE SURE THAT—
DON'T CHECK TWITTER! DON'T CHECK TWITTER DON'T—
AAUUGH
SO I TOLD A FIBBY WIBSY.
GO AWAY WORLD.

HEY, NEIGHBOR FRED. WANT SOME OF MY SANDWICH?
AUGHH... PLEASE GET THAT AWAY FROM ME. I HAVE A WHEAT ALLERGY AND A HUGE FEAR OF MAYONNAISE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?
BREAD SPREAD DREAD, SAID FRED.
DEAD?
SHOULD HAVE FLED.

HI. WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
COFFEE. BUT ONLY IF THE BEANS ARE SUSTAINABLY SOURCED.
AND FISH. BUT AGAIN, ONLY IF IT'S SUSTAINABLY SOURCED. OTHERWISE, DON'T BOTHER.
WHAM WHAM WHAM
HE HARVESTED MY SUSTAINABLY SOURCED ANGER.

HOW AN ASPIRING WRITER DREAMS OF THE PUBLISHING OF HIS FIRST BOOK...
I published my first book!
WOOHOO!
I ADORE YOU!!
HAVE MY BABIES!!
WE LOVE YOU!!
YOU'RE BRILLIANT!
HOW A WRITER EXPERIENCES THE PUBLISHING OF HIS FIRST BOOK...
You wrote what now?
TELL ME AGAIN WHY WRITERS WRITE.
THEY THRIVE ON CRUSHED DREAMS.

'Guide to Positive Thinking' Questionnaire
Who in this world offers you hope?
The guy on our corner.
THAT GUY? WHY'S THAT GUY OFFER YOU HOPE?
THOUGHT THAT SAID 'DOPE'.

WHAT ARE YOU EATING, RAT?
PIZZA. I HAVE A COLD PIZZA FOR BREAKFAST EVERY MORNING.
BUT THAT'S TERRIBLE FOR YOUR HEALTH. DON'T YOU WANT TO BE AROUND IN THIRTY YEARS?
NOT REALLY.
DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO THAT.
SAY TO WHAT?

CHINESE EMBASSY. HOW CAN WE HELP YOU?
HI. THIS IS PIG FROM ‘PEARLS BEFORE SWINE.’ I’D LIKE YOU TO PAY MY BILLS THIS YEAR.
I’M SORRY?
PAY MY BILLS. ALSO, I’D LIKE A TESLA. AND PROVOLONE.
I’M SORRY, SIR. WE DON’T DO ANY OF THAT.
THE ‘YEAR OF THE PIG’ MEANS NOTHING.

The books in the library were angry.
We just sit here with our untapped knowledge.
While dumb guys thrive.
So they came up with an idea to make the world smarter.
And late one night, they forced open the library window.
And jumping from the window, landed upon the heads of dumb guys.
And the world got smarter by subtraction.
Looks like we lost another dumb guy.
I'M CALLING IT "KNOWLEDGE IS POWER."
NOT WHAT THAT MEANS.
THEY NEVER SAW IT COMING!

PUB LIBERTY
FOR EVERYONE WHO IS A LOVER OF FREEDOM AND WHAT IS GOOD
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
OUR CORNER PUB IS BANNING US FROM PUTTING UP FLIERS ON THEIR BULLETIN BOARD, SO I'M PROTESTING.
WELL, IF YOU WANT TO CATCH PEOPLE'S ATTENTION AS THEY DRIVE PAST, YOUR SIGN NEEDS TO BE A LOT BRIEFER. MAYBE DELETE A FEW WORDS AND SEE IF YOU CAN COMBINE A FEW OTHERS.
PUB-ERTY
GOOD
WANT TO HELP?
I'LL SAY NO

I JUST HAD A MAJOR REALIZATION...MOST OF THE PROBLEMS IN MY LIFE ARE CAUSED BY ME, ME MAKING DUMB CHOICES, ME DOING STUPID THINGS.
AND HOWS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?
BAD.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
DRINK ENOUGH TO FORGET THAT REALIZATION.
OH, GOOD.
WHO NEEDS REALIZATIONS WHEN YOU HAVE BEER?

PIG, I THINK YOU NEED TO MAKE MORE OF A COMMITMENT TO ME.
I DON'T KNOW IF I'M READY FOR THAT.
YEAH, BACK OFF, WOMAN.
IS THAT ALEXA TALKING?
NO. IT'S AMAZON OWNER JEFF BEZOS, AND SOMETIMES I LISTEN TO PEOPLE'S CONVERSATIONS.
THAT'S REALLY CREEPY, JEFF.
OH, YEAH? WELL, GOOD LUCK GETTING YOUR NEXT AMAZON SHIPMENT.
OKAY, JEFF. TIME-OUT FOR YOU.

HOW GOES IT, PIG?
BEEN A LITTLE DOWN LATELY.
YEAH, I'VE NOTICED.
ALEXA, I DIDN'T TALK TO YOU.
I'M NOT ALEXA.
THEN WHO ARE YOU?
AMAZON OWNER JEFF BEZOS. AND I'M VERY BORED.
TECHNOLOGY CAN BE FRIGHTENING.
I HAVE FEELINGS, YOU KNOW.

LOOK AT YOU SHOVING
ONION RINGS IN YOUR
FACE WHILE US
CYCLISTS DRINK KALE.
ONION RINGS
BRING ME JOY,
JEF... AND
I LIKE JOY
IN MY LIFE.
WHOA WHOA WHOA... THAT'S AN
OPTION?
MAINTAIN
OUR
SUPERIORITY,
FRED!
WAIT...
WAIT...
WHAT'S
THIS JOY
THING?
HERE...
THIS ONE HAS
EXTRA
GREEASE.

HEY, RAT. DID YOU SEE THAT POLITICAL ARTICLE I RE-TWEETED?
I DON'T THINK SO.
HAVE YOU GONE ON TWITTER TODAY?
I HAVE.
AND YOU DIDN'T SEE MY POST?
WELL, I...
IF YOU MUST KNOW, I MUTED YOU BECAUSE I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID POLITICS!!
OH. I AM SO MUTING YOU BACK.
TOO LATE! BLOCKED! BLOCKED! BLOCKED! BLOCKED!

RACISTS
BAD
WELL, LOOK AT YOU BEING SOCIALLY CONSCIOUS.
Wuha dat mean?
YOU DON'T WANT PEOPLE JUDGED ON THEIR RACE. YOU WANT THEM TO BE JUDGED ON THE CONTENT OF THEIR CHARACTER. WHICH IS THE ONLY WAY WE CAN MOVE FORWARD AS A SOCIETY.
RACISTS
BAD
RACE CAR DRIVER CRASHES INTO KEG PARTY
OH.
RACISTS
WORST PEOPLE EVER!
LEARN HOW TO DRIVE, RACISTS!

THIS FITNESS MAGAZINE SAYS THAT THE KEY TO LOSING WEIGHT IS TO PUT YOUR FOOD ON SMALLER PLATES.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE YOU CAN FILL THE PLATE AND PSYCHOLOGICALLY, IT FEELS LIKE YOU'RE GETTING MORE THAN YOU ACTUALLY ARE.
I'M LOSING WEIGHT.

HELLO? BOMBLAST CABLE? I'M CALLING TO SAY I'M CUTTING THE CORD. NO MORE CABLE! NO MORE BAD SERVICE! NO MORE OVERCHARGING!
SO SCREW YOU, YOU FOOLS! YOU AND ME ARE DONE! FINISHED! BECAUSE NOBODY NEEDS CABLE ANYMORE! WE HAVE THE INTERNET NOW!!
WE PROVIDE YOUR INTERNET.
THE CABLE COMPANY IS SATAN INCARNATE.

Whuh you doing, son?
I HAVE TO DO A PAPER ON REPTILES, SO I'M LOOKING IT UP IN WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY.
Oh, yeah. We reptiles greatest guys on earth. Whuh book say?
reptilian
adjective
deeply disliked, despised, repulsive
Typo.

WHAT'S GOING ON, RAT?
MISS AMERICA.
I MISS IT, TOO.
NEVER MIND.
REMEMBER WHEN WE ALL GOT ALONG?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
DRAWING DESIGNS FOR A HUGE DOG KENNEL I WANT TO OPEN. ONE ROOM PER BREED.
WHAT'S THAT ROOM THERE?
IT'S FULL OF SHIH TZU.
WELL, THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER.
WHAT? YOU DON'T LIKE DOGS?
GIVE HIM SHIH TZU, RAT.

WHAT IS YOUR DREAM JOB?
I DON'T HAVE ONE.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE IN THE DREAMS I CAN REMEMBER, I THINK I'M GENERALLY UNEMPLOYED.
NOT WHAT THAT MEANS.
YOUR DREAMS SOUND MISERABLE.

HOW TO KNOW YOU'RE IN LOVE
YOU'RE OBSESSED.
YOU PRIORITIZE YOUR TIME TOGETHER OVER TIME WITH ANYONE ELSE.
TIME SPENT APART CRUSHES YOUR SOUL.
YOU OVERLOOK ALL OF THEIR BAD TRAITS.
HEAVEN IS BEING WITH THEM.
WHICH IS HOW I KNOW...
I LOVE YOU, PIZZA.
SOME PEOPLE LOVE PEOPLE.
CHEESE BEATS PEOPLE.
I LOVE YOU, BOOZE.