Pearls Before Swine | Search

Dear Everyone,
Don't be mean.
But especially don't be mean to people who are powerless to stop you.
That's just cruel.

BEHOLD! THE PERFECT GIFT FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
WHAT IS IT?
THE GOOFY UNCLE BOX.
HOW’S IT WORK?
YOUR UNCLE SAYS SOME GOOFY CRAP, YOU TRAP HIM IN THE BOX.
I’M NOT SURE THAT’S LEGAL.
DEPENDS ON THE UNCLE.
ARE THE CHAIN AND DUCT TAPE EXTRA?

HONEY, OUR CAROLER IS BACK.

LOOK, BABE, WE HAVE A CHRISTMAS CAROLER.
I'M DREAMING OF A WHIIITE CHRISTMAS...
SNATCH!
WHY YOU RACIST LITTLE NAZI.
IS IT POSSIBLE WE'RE ALL TOO TIGHTLY WOUND?
OKAY, WHY IS THE STRIP BEING BOYCOTTED?

HEY, PIG. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY PAL, TROY. HE'S AN OFFENSIVE LINEMAN IN FOOTBALL.
OH, IS THAT ONE OF WHAT THEY CALL THE SKILL POSITIONS?
NO, THAT'S JUST THE QUARTERBACK, RUNNING BACKS, AND WIDE RECEIVERS. THE REST OF US ARE JUST BIG LUNKS OF NOTHING WHOSE ONLY SKILL IS PUNCHING INSULTING GUYS IN THE FACE.
LINEMEN CAN BE SENSITIVE SOULS.

GOOD MORNIN' TO YOU, RAT.
OKAY, PERKY PETE. EVERY MORNING YOU CHIRP HELLO TO ME, DESPITE THE FACT THAT ANY SANE PERSON CAN SEE THAT I'M NOT A MORNING PERSON AND DO NOT WANT TO TALK.
GIVE ME TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS TO STOP.
PERKY PEOPLE EXTORTION IS WRONG.

I HAD THE WORST NIGHTMARE LAST NIGHT
WHAT WAS IT?
MY BUTT HAD A MIND OF ITS OWN. IT WALKED AROUND. MADE TEA. THEN IT INFILTRATED MY LIFE. TRIED TO BREAK UP FRIENDSHIPS.
WOW!
IT WROTE MEAN LETTERS. SENT RUDE EMAILS. MY BUTT TRIED TO RUIN MY LIFE.
PIG, RELAX. BUTTS DON'T HAVE MINDS OF THEIR OWN. IT WAS JUST A NIGHTMARE. YOU'RE OKAY.
RRRING
HELLO?
IT'S ME. RAT. DID YOU JUST CALL ME?
MUST HAVE BEEN A BUTT DIAL.
I NEED TO CALL YOU BACK.
BEND OVER AND I'LL KICK YOUR @$$!

I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF THINKING LATELY ABOUT WHETHER LIFE IS FAIR OR UNFAIR.
UNFAIR FOR SURE.
AND WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE NACHOS DON'T GROW ON TREES.
I WAS THINKING A BIT BIGGER.
OH, LIKE BURRITO ORCHARDS?

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
WITH PEOPLE. YOU TOLD HIM HE HAD TO BE MORE SOCIAL.
THAT'S GREAT. WHO'S HE HANGING OUT WITH?
IT'S QUITE PLEASANT.

FAKE NEWS!
THAT EXPRESSION'S OUT OF CONTROL.
SAD!

LOOKS LIKE THESE SELF-DRIVING CARS ARE FINALLY A REALITY.
I'VE HAD ONE FOR YEARS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WHEN I HOLD MY CIGARETTE IN MY LEFT HAND AND REACH FOR MY COFFEE WITH MY RIGHT, THE CAR DRIVES ITSELF.
NOT A SELF-DRIVING CAR.
TRUE. I DO HAVE TO TURN WITH MY KNEE.

Places I can go and still feel Safe in America.
Elementary school
High school
Movie theater
Church
Office
Nightclub
Concert
College
Restaurant
Synagogue
Synagogue

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB...HOW'S YOUR MONDAY GOING?
GREAT. GOT A NEW JOB THAT'S SO REWARDING THAT I ACTUALLY LOOK FORWARD TO THE WORK WEEK.
SOME THINGS YOU JUST DON'T SAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
TUESDAY IS GIVING TUESDAY, SO TO HONOR IT, I'M GIVING TO PEOPLE LESS FORTUNATE. HANG ON. I HAVE ONE MORE HOUSE.
WHAT'S THAT?
TUESDAY IS GIVING TUESDAY, SO THERE'S A HUNDRED BUCKS IN THERE.
BUT WHY WOULD YOU GIVE ME MONEY?
BECAUSE YOU COULD USE A LITTLE EXTRA CASH, AND WE ALL NEED TO START TAKING CARE OF EACH OTHER.
OH, AND I GOT YOU A NICE CARD, TOO.
PLEASE CONTINUE THE GIVING NEXT YEAR BY GIVING ME BACK THE $100 PLUS 25% INTEREST
I'M GUESSING THERE WAS A CATCH.
LOANSHARKING IS NOT GIVING!!

HEY, PROFESSOR BOB. WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE ON THE HIGHWAY?
I LIKE TO GRADE ON A CURVE.
THAT'S SIX SECONDS OF YOUR LIFE YOU CAN'T GET BACK.

WHEN THE GOING
GETS TOUGH, THE
TOUGH GET GOING...
...OUT THE DOOR
WHERE THINGS
ARE EASIER.
MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS FOR
LAZY PEOPLE.

THIS CITY'S NEWSPAPER LAID OFF A BUNCH OF REPORTERS. HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO STAY INFORMED?
THE PEOPLE ON TWITTER KEEP ME INFORMED.
BUT THESE PEOPLE GIVE US LOCAL NEWS.
THE PEOPLE ON TWITTER GIVE ME LOCAL NEWS.
BUT THESE PEOPLE DO RESEARCH AND REPORT FACTS.
THE PEOPLE ON TWITTER...
DID I MENTION MY PEOPLE ARE FAST?
OH, GOOD.
THE SPEEDIER, THE TRUTHIER!

WANT TO JOIN THE CLUB O' GREAT EXCLUSIVITY?
SURE.
SORRY. YOU CAN'T.
THEN WHY'D YOU ASK?
TO FEEL SUPERIOR.
THAT'S VERY HURTFUL.

BEHOLD! I HAVE FORMED THE CLUB O' GREAT EXCLUSIVITY.
HOW EXCLUSIVE IS IT?
I'M THE ONLY MEMBER.
THEN WHY EVEN FORM A CLUB?
TO EXPERIENCE THE JOY OF EXCLUDING OTHERS.
SEEK HELP.
AND LEAVE THIS PLACE UNGUARDED? NICE TRY, EXCLUDED GUY.

Three ways to save a life today.
Gather up courage to run into burning building and carry out person on back.
(Not recommended.)
Jump into raging river and pull drowning person to shore.
(Not safe.)
Check little box.
IT'S EITHER THAT OR GIVE 'EM TO THE WORMS.
TO HECK WITH THOSE LITTLE WORMS!!

WELL, SARA, THIS HAS BEEN A WONDERFUL FIRST DATE.
I'VE REALLY ENJOYED IT. I NEVER THOUGHT I’D MEET ANYONE ON A DATING APP.
ME EITHER.
BUT IT HAPPENED! AND WE'RE SO COMPATIBLE. OUR MUSIC, INTERESTS, LIFESTYLE.
I KNOW! IT'S LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT. WELL, I BETTER CALL IT A NIGHT.
ME TOO. JUST GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP AND I CAN'T WAIT TO TRY IT OUT.
OOH, THAT'S A BIG BED. WHAT SIDE ARE YOU GONNA SLEEP ON?
THE RIGHT, OF COURSE. I ALWAYS SLEEP ON THE RIGHT.
BUT I ALWAYS SLEEP ON THE RIGHT.
DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU IN THE @#%.
SEE YA. WOULDN'T WANT TO BE YA.
SOME THINGS ARE NON-NEGOTIABLE.
OH, ALSO NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN.

HELP! HELP! SOMEONE'S HAVING A MEDICAL EMERGENCY! IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE??
NO! BUT I'M A NOTARY PUBLIC! AND I CAN SEE TO IT THAT A DOCUMENT GETS SIGNED AND WITNESSED AND I CAN ATTEST TO THE VERACITY OF THE SIGNATURE!
I COULDN'T SAVE HIM.

I DON'T GET IT. I BUY THINGS, THINGS, THINGS, AND I'M NOT HAPPY. SO I BUY BIGGER THINGS, BETTER THINGS, FASTER THINGS, AND I'M STILL NOT HAPPY.
MAYBE LIFE IS ABOUT EXPERIENCES!
I HATE IT WHEN HE DOES THAT.

Rat's Chart of the Factors That Control Your Destiny...
HARD WORK!
DUMB LUCK
HARD WORK!
I'VE GOT THE DUMB PART DOWN.
YOU'RE HALFWAY THERE.

WHY THE OUTFIT?
I’VE STARTED A NEW RELIGION.
ITS CENTRAL TENET IS TO
LOVE YOUR FELLOW MAN.
UNLESS HE DOES SOMETHING YOU DISLIKE. THEN YOU CAN KICK HIM IN THE REAR.
I LIKE MY RELIGIONS TO BE REALISTIC.