Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY OUTDOOR QWIE, WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO IF YOU'RE IN THE WILD AND A HUGE BEAR CHARGES TOWARD YOU?
WELL, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T RUN.
WHY NOT?
YOU DON'T WANT TO MAKE THE BEAR WORK TOO HARD FOR HIS FOOD.
AWW... HOW THOUGHTFUL.
NOT THE REASON.
DO BEARS KNOW YOU'RE HELPING THEM?

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, COULD I GET A CUP OF COFFEE?
YOU WANT ROOM?
YEAH. ME WANT ROOM. ME WANT SHOWER. ME WANT BED.
IT IS NEVER OKAY TO PUNCH CUSTOMERS.
SURELY, THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS.

English quiz
Use the words "depot" and "cattle" in a sentence.
That's depot calling the cattle black.
ENGLISH IS MY BESTEST SUBJECT.

English quiz
Use "olfactory" in a sentence.
The ol' factory is ugly.
YOUR MOM MUST BE SO PROUD.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, GIMME A DECAF AMERICANO.
CAN I GET A NAME?
SURE.
I'LL CALL YOU "RAT WITH BIG SCHNOZZ".
WE DON'T KICK CUSTOMERS IN THE NETHER REGIONS.

Nothing I like is good for me.
But everything I don't like is.
UNIVERSE, WHY DO YOU HATE ME?
SOMEONE HAD TO ASK.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I GOT THIS GUY TO HELP ME MAKE FAKE HUMAN LIMBS.
WHAT FOR?
THE ZOO NEEDS THEM TO REACH INTO THE ANIMAL CAGES.
WHY?
TO PROBE THE ANIMALS' BODIES WHEN THEY'RE SICK OR THEY'VE BROKEN SOMETHING, GETS THEM HABITUATED FOR WHEN THEY HAVE TO USE REAL ARMS AS PROBES.
WHAT ARE YOU MAKING THEM OUT OF? IS THAT BEECHWOOD?
NO, IT AIN'T. I'VE GOT TO BE MADE OF OAK. ZOO MADE OF PINE. AND I MADE OF CEDAR.
SO NO BEECH?
NOPE. I'VE GOT TO PROBE LIMBS. BUT A BEECH AIN'T ONE.
THEY MAKE GOOD HAMMERS.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING PIG?
A LIST OF THE PLACES I WANT TO TRAVEL TO BEFORE I DIE.
TERRIFIC! WHAT DO YOU HAVE SO FAR?
Nearest hospital
HOPEFULLY, THEY DRIVE FAST.

MORNING, PIG. DID YOU HEAR ALL THE STUFF HAPPENING IN THE NEWS?
NOPE.
FOR I AM PROTECTED BY THE WARM BLANKET O' GOODNESS THROUGH WHICH NO TWEET CAN PENETRATE.
PLEASE GET YOUR OWN WARM BLANKET O' GOODNESS.

RAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING SMOKING AGAIN? YOUR DOCTOR SAID IT COULD REALLY SHORTEN YOUR LIFE.
CLIMATE SCIENTISTS SAY COMPLETE ENVIRONMENTAL CATASTROPHE MAY BE JUST TWENTY YEARS AWAY
PUFF PUFF PUFF
PUFF PUFF PUFF

HEY, GOAT, WILL YOU HELP ME WITH THIS CREDIT CARD APPLICATION?
I'M SURE YOU CAN MANAGE IT YOURSELF, PIG. BUT I CAN DOUBLECHECK IT FOR YOU.
NAME: Pig
SEX: Only if it's with the right person.
I WAS OVERLY OPTIMISTIC.

HI... ARE YOU, UH, RAT?
YEAH. WHO ARE YOU?
I'M ONE OF THE JINXIES, AND OUR RECORDS SHOW YOU SAYING, THIS WILL BE MY GREATEST YEAR EVER, BUT NOBODY KNOCKING ON WOOD AFTERWARD.
NO
WAIT
C'MON, BOYS. MESS UP THIS LIFE!
WHO MADE THAT DUMB RULE?!

Be an astronaut.
- Make a million dollars.
- Write a great novel.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
LOOKING AT THIS LIST OF GOALS I HAD WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND COMPARING THEM TO MY GOALS AS AN ADULT NOW.
WHAT ARE YOUR GOALS NOW?
Survive today.
IT'S AN AMBITIOUS GOAL.

This country is filled with too many dumb people.
They are dumb because they have an aversion to reading books.
So we will use that aversion to our advantage by dressing up thousands of people as giant books and scaring the dumb people.
BOOKS! RUN!
AHHHHH
GRRR
We will chase the dumb people into pre-arranged Shelters o’ Great Safety.
BOOKS CAN’T HURT YOU IF YOU CAN’T READ!
Which will actually be rockets to the moon.
Once there, they will see the flag planted by the astronauts and conclude they are still in America.
It’s just outside of Vegas.
Yeah. And look how far I can jump.
AND THAT’S HOW WE SOLVE ALL OUR PROBLEMS.
YOU’RE JUST AS DUMB AS THEM.
WHAT IS HAPPENING?

I JUST FINISHED PLAYING A WORD GAME ALL DAY ON MY PHONE AND RIGHT NOW I HAVE 624 WINS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE NEXT HIGHEST PLAYER HAS?
A LIFE?
OKAY, THAT HURTS.
HEY, LEAVE HIS MEANINGLESS LIFE ALONE.

HI. I'M HERE TO FIX YOUR CEILING.
GREAT. ANY IDEA WHAT IT WILL COST?
NOPE.
JUST GIMME A BALLPARK FIGURE.
IT'S 310 FEET FROM HOME PLATE TO THE LEFT FIELD WALL IN FENWAY PARK.
I FIRED THE CONTRACTOR.

RAT SAYS YOU HAVE A CONTRACTOR COMING OVER TO REPLACE A CEILING RAFTER.
YEAH. THIS ONE HERE.
I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
HE HAS QUITE THE ATTITUDE.
I WILL HIT YOU WITH THIS OAR.

WANT TO PLAY TIC TAC TOE WITH ME?
NOT REALLY. YOU'RE A LITTLE TOO COMPETITIVE.
ME? I JUST WANT TO BEAT YOU SO MANY TIMES THAT I CRUSH YOUR SPIRIT AND DESTROY YOUR WILL TO CONTINUE, NOT JUST WITH THE GAME, BUT MAYBE IN LIFE ITSELF.
OH.
YOU MAKE IT SOUND BAD.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, I'D LIKE SOME BALLOONS.
HOW MANY WOULD YOU LIKE?
ENOUGH TO FLOAT AWAY FROM ALL THE PROBLEMS IN MY LIFE.
THERE AREN'T THAT MANY BALLOONS.

YOU BEEN WATCHING ANY REALITY T.V. LATELY?
NO. DON'T LIKE BEING EXPOSED.
TO T.V.?
REALITY.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS AN OPTION.
COME. JOIN ME IN SELF-DELUSIONTOPIA.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
A LIST I WROTE THIS MORNING.
CAN I SEE IT?
SURE.
Today I will:
SEIZE LIFE!
SMELL ROSES!
DRINK WINE!
WRITE POEMS!
DREAM!!
HOPE!!
LOVE!!
WONDERFUL. AND WHAT'S THAT?
THINGS I DID.
- Bought wrong screw at Home Depot. - Went back to Home Depot.
WHY DOES LIFE KEEP INTERFERING WITH LIFE?
DUDE, YOU BOUGHT THIS KIND OF SCREW?!

PIG, GOAT... I’M HERE TO ANNOUNCE THAT I'VE HAD A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING. I AM NOW ONE OF THE FAITHFUL AND WILL BE OBSERVING ALL OF THE RELIGIOUS HOLIDAYS.
I’M NOT SURE THAT COUNTS.
SAINT PATRICK’S DAY

TODAY IN THE NEWS... ALL THE BAD STUFF THAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY HAPPENED AGAIN.
AND WILL HAPPEN AGAIN TOMORROW.
IF YOU WERE SMART, YOU'D TURN THIS GAG OFF AND GO STAND IN THE DAISIES.

HEY, LARRY, DOES THIS SKIRT MAKE MY BUTT LOOK BIG?
No.
You butt look big because it big.
Is cold sleeping on porch.

HI, FOLKS. TODAY WE'RE GOING TO
DISCUSS "SWAN'S WAY" BY PROUST.
CLIFF, YOU START.
WELL, THERE'S A VERY COMPELLING
STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS IN THIS
WORK.
AND RAT?
WELL, THERE'S---
A LIFE OUT THERE, PEOPLE, AND YOU
ALL ARE MISSING IT!!
PLEASE
REVOKE HIS
BOOK CLUB
PRIVILEGES.
RUN!
I'LL HOLD
OPEN THIS
WINDOW!