Pearls Before Swine | Search

GEE, GOAT, I'VE SURE HAD A GOOD TIME ON THIS DATE.
YEAH, I WAS A LITTLE WORRIED AT FIRST BECAUSE... I'M SO MUCH OLDER THAN YOU.
YEAH, BUT ONCE WE TALKED, IT WAS LIKE THERE WAS NO AGE DIFFERENCE AT ALL. HEY, WANT TO GO TO THAT NEW DINER ACROSS TOWN?
SURE. LET ME JUST FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET THERE.
HAHAHAHAHA
DID YOU KNOW THAT NO ONE UNDER 30 OWNS A PHYSICAL MAP?
YES, GRAMPS, I'M AWARE.

HEY, RAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, EDDIE.
HE'S AN EXECUTIONER FOR THE STATE.
REALLY? WHAT'S THAT LIKE?
I'M STILL TRYING TO GET THE HANG OF IT.
EXECUTIONER HUMOR?
IT'S A GAS.

THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. BUT I DON'T DO THEM BECAUSE I'M AFRAID WHAT OTHERS WILL THINK.
THAT'S SMART. BECAUSE AT THE END OF YOUR LIFE, YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE TO GET THE 'LIFE APPROVED BY EVERYONE AROUND YOU' AWARD.
OH. WAIT. THAT DOESN'T EXIST.
WELL, THIS IS NEWS.
CONSIDER YOURSELF WOKE.

MY TEAM IS DOWN IN THE NINTH INNING.
WELL LIKE THEY SAY, IT AIN'T OVER 'TIL THE FAT LADY SINGS.
RRRRR RRRRRRRRAAAA
RRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRR
"IT AIN'T OVER 'TIL THE FAT LADY SINGS."
BODY SHAMING.
SEXIST.
ITALIAN OPERA REFERENCE. PROBABLY RACIST.
DESERT O' PROFESSIONAL OSTRACISM.
RE-EDUCATION CAMP.
TAKE TWO!
MY TEAM IS DOWN IN THE NINTH INNING.
I AM ACCEPTING OF THE WORLD'S VARIOUS DIVERSITY.
WHAP
HUMOR APPROVED BY THE WORD POLICE

I THINK SOMEONE'S AT THE DOOR.
YEAH... IT'S MY FRIEND, 'TOO CLOSE'.
WHY'S HE CALLED THAT?
HE'S ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE THAT JUST STANDS A BIT TOO CLOSE WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO HIM.
I'M UNCOMFORTABLE.

HOW DO YOU STAY SO HAPPY ALL THE TIME, PIG?
MY HAPPINESS BEGAN ON THE DAY I STARTED ASKING MYSELF, WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO IMPRESS?
AND THAT DID IT?
YES.
BECAUSE I DON'T IMPRESS ANYONE!
THERE'S COMFORT IN PATHETICNESS.
CAN'T TOUCH ME, LIFE!

DO YOU THINK YOU TEND TO BURN YOUR BRIDGES WITH PEOPLE YOU'VE KNOWN AND JOBS YOU'VE HAD?
DEFINITELY.
WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS?
FLAME-O McGIBBONS. HE FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE.
YOU SHOULD GET THAT CHECKED.
LEAVE NO RELATIONSHIP INTACT!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M TAKING A CONFLICTS COURSE... IT TEACHES YOU HOW TO DEAL WITH OTHER PEOPLE. HERE. TAKE THE QUIZ WITH ME.
You disagree with someone. The best approach is:
(A) Persuade them otherwise.
(B) Try to understand them.
(C) Agree to disagree.
(D) Punch them in the head.
THAT ONE WAS EASY.

AND SO, YOU'D CALL FOR ONE, AND SOMETIMES THEY'D SHOW UP, AND SOMETIMES THEY WOULDN'T. YOU COULDN'T TRACK THEM. AND EVEN IF THEY DID SHOW UP THEY OFTEN SMELLED AND THE COST WAS ALWAYS A SURPRISE.
AND WHAT DID YOU CALL THESE THINGS AGAIN?
TAXI CABS.
PARDON ME SIR, BUT YOU HAD THE MOST HEINOUS UPBRINGING EVER.
WE DIDN'T HAVE $#%*&@ SMARTPHONES!!

PLAN FOR LIFE
Establish own business.
Make millions.
Retire happy.
THAT'S A GREAT GOAL AND IF YOU'RE WILLING TO WORK LONG HOURS AT IT EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK AND GIVE IT EVERYTHING YOU HAVE, YOU CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN.
PLAIN *or LIFE
*a
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PLAN FOR LIFE
Eat cheese and hope for the best.

DANNY DONKEY WAS TOLD THE WORLD’S ICE WAS MELTING.
I DO NOT CARE. I ONLY WANT TO DRINK MY BEER.
But the oceans will rise and lands will be flooded.
I DO NOT CARE. I ONLY WANT TO DRINK MY BEER.
But temperatures will go up and species will die.
I DO NOT CARE. I ONLY WANT TO DRINK MY BEER.
But extreme weather will destroy us all.
I DO NOT CARE. I ONLY WANT TO DRINK MY BEER.
Your beer will be warm.
DANNY DONKEY WROTE THE GROUP A CHECK FOR $500,000.
Wow. That’s encouraging.
NO ONE LIKES WARM BEER.
PLEASE DON’T MAKE DANNY SUFFER LIKE THAT.

HEY, NEIGHBOR AL. WE HEARD YOU BOUGHT A NEW CAR.
YEAH, A MINIVAN.
WELL, SURE. YOU HAVE KIDS.
NOPE. NO KIDS. I'M SINGLE.
AND NOW YOU'LL STAY THAT WAY.
I LIKE THE ROOMINESS!
YOUR LIFE HAS FALLEN INTO AN ABYSS, AL.

WHATS THE ONE THING YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE ?
MAGICALLY PREVENT IT.
I'VE THOUGHT THAT ONE THROUGH.

I'M READING THE STORY OF ACHILLES. HIS MOTHER DIPPED HIM IN THIS RIVER TO MAKE HIM INVULNERABLE.
DID IT WORK?
NO, BECAUSE SHE HELD ON TO HIS HEEL WHEN SHE DIPPED HIM, LEAVING IT EXPOSED. SO THEN AN ARROW HIT HIM IN THE HEEL AND KILLED HIM.
WHOA.
YEAH... WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT MYTH TELLS US?
ALWAYS WEAR SENSIBLE SHOES.
I'M GOING BACK TO MY READING NOW.
I PRIDE MYSELF ON MY READING COMPREHENSION.

HEY, BAKER BOB... I DON'T SEE ANY GLAZED DONUTS. IS THERE ONE LEFT HERE ON THE COUNTER THAT I'M MISSING?
LEFT.
RIGHT.
LEFT.
LEFT?
RIGHT.
YOU'RE VERY BAD AT CUSTOMER SERVICE.

HEY, PIG. WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
I REALLY NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT, SO I WENT FOR A NINE-MILE RIDE.
THAT'S GREAT...DO YOU THINK IT'S HELPING?
NO. I HAVE A MOPED.
TRY A BICYCLE.
CAN I STILL STOP FOR CINNAMON ROLLS?

I AM THE MOST SUCCESSFUL GUY IN THE WORLD.
WHY DO YOU SAY STUFF LIKE THAT WHEN YOU KNOW IT'S JUST NOT TRUE?
BECAUSE SELF-DELUSION IS THE SAME AS SUCCESS. ONLY YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORK AS HARD.
TRUTH STILL MATTERS!
SORRY. CAN'T HEAR YOU IN MY EGO BUBBLE.

GOVERNMENT 101
THIS WILL BE ON THE FINALS
LETS CALL GIANT CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS WHAT THEY ARE.
THEY ARE BRIBES.
UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU THINK PEOPLE GIVE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO POLITICIANS JUST TO BE KIND.
SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN FOR YOU?
NOTHING. YOU can hostage.
That means that even if 80% of the American people support a bill, it may not pass because the money holds your Congressman hostage.
But don’t despair.
Because there’s a way to fix it.
Become a billionaire.
Because you're you.
Because you’re YOU.
THEY JUST SIT THERE AND DO NOTHING.
CAN whistle.
I WAS THINKING GET THE MONEY OUT OF POLITICS.
BECOMING A BILLIONAIRE IS EASIER.
DANCE SENSATION? DANCE!

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, I'M HERE TO ENTER THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM AND BEGIN MY NEW LIFE.
DID YOU WITNESS A CRIME?
NO. I JUST WANT A NEW LIFE.
THEY'VE CRUSHED MY HOPES AND DREAMS.

HEY THERE, PIG. YOU COMING TO THE CAFE TODAY?
CAN'T. OUR BACK FENCE FELL, SO I HIRED A FENCING COMPANY TO COME FIX IT.
EN GARDE.
THIS COULD TAKE A WHILE.

YOU GUYS STILL HAVE A LANDLINE?
YEAH, BUT THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO EVER CALL IT ARE TELEMARKETERS. HERE, WATCH.
RINGGG
RINGGG
SCREW YOU, YOU PAIN IN THE REAR!
OH.
SORRY.
MY MOM FORGOT MY CELL NUMBER.

HI. I THINK THE STOCK MARKET IS DOING VERY WELL AND I'D LIKE TO INVEST EVERYTHING I HAVE.
TERRIFIC. IT'S GOING GANG-BUSTERS AND YOU'D BE A FOOL NOT TO INVEST.
BLIP
WHAT WAS THAT?
MARKET CORRECTION. YOU LOST EVERYTHING.
REMIND ME NEVER TO SAVE MONEY.
SMART PEOPLE SPEND IT ALL ON BEER.

I JUST HAD A THOUGHT.
WHAT'S THAT?
MAYBE WHEN WE JUDGE PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET, WE DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING.
WHOA. THAT MAKES ME STOP AND WONDER.
WONDER WHAT?
WHY THAT WOULD POSSIBLY MATTER.
GOOD POINT.
HANG 'EM HIGH!

HEY, PACO PINATA, HOW GOES IT?
TERRIFIC. I FINALLY REALIZED I'VE LET MYSELF GET TOO PESSIMISTIC. BUT NO MORE. THIS IS GONNA BE A GREAT WEEK!
WHAM WHAM WHAM
AND I THOUGHT I HAD BAD MONDAYS.

STRIVE FOR PERFECTION IN EVERYTHING YOU DO
STRIVE FOR PERFECTION IN EVERYTHING YOU DO*
OR ACCEPT LESS AND LEAD A SANE AND BALANCED LIFE.
WORKPLACE MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS ARE NOT UP FOR DEBATE.
THERE'S NO 'I' IN SHEEP.