Pearls Before Swine | Search

LOOKS LIKE THESE SELF-DRIVING CARS ARE FINALLY A REALITY.
I'VE HAD ONE FOR YEARS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WHEN I HOLD MY CIGARETTE IN MY LEFT HAND AND REACH FOR MY COFFEE WITH MY RIGHT, THE CAR DRIVES ITSELF.
NOT A SELF-DRIVING CAR.
TRUE. I DO HAVE TO TURN WITH MY KNEE.

Places I can go and still feel Safe in America.
Elementary school
High school
Movie theater
Church
Office
Nightclub
Concert
College
Restaurant
Synagogue
Synagogue

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB...HOW'S YOUR MONDAY GOING?
GREAT. GOT A NEW JOB THAT'S SO REWARDING THAT I ACTUALLY LOOK FORWARD TO THE WORK WEEK.
SOME THINGS YOU JUST DON'T SAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
TUESDAY IS GIVING TUESDAY, SO TO HONOR IT, I'M GIVING TO PEOPLE LESS FORTUNATE. HANG ON. I HAVE ONE MORE HOUSE.
WHAT'S THAT?
TUESDAY IS GIVING TUESDAY, SO THERE'S A HUNDRED BUCKS IN THERE.
BUT WHY WOULD YOU GIVE ME MONEY?
BECAUSE YOU COULD USE A LITTLE EXTRA CASH, AND WE ALL NEED TO START TAKING CARE OF EACH OTHER.
OH, AND I GOT YOU A NICE CARD, TOO.
PLEASE CONTINUE THE GIVING NEXT YEAR BY GIVING ME BACK THE $100 PLUS 25% INTEREST
I'M GUESSING THERE WAS A CATCH.
LOANSHARKING IS NOT GIVING!!

HEY, PROFESSOR BOB. WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE ON THE HIGHWAY?
I LIKE TO GRADE ON A CURVE.
THAT'S SIX SECONDS OF YOUR LIFE YOU CAN'T GET BACK.

WHEN THE GOING
GETS TOUGH, THE
TOUGH GET GOING...
...OUT THE DOOR
WHERE THINGS
ARE EASIER.
MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS FOR
LAZY PEOPLE.

THIS CITY'S NEWSPAPER LAID OFF A BUNCH OF REPORTERS. HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO STAY INFORMED?
THE PEOPLE ON TWITTER KEEP ME INFORMED.
BUT THESE PEOPLE GIVE US LOCAL NEWS.
THE PEOPLE ON TWITTER GIVE ME LOCAL NEWS.
BUT THESE PEOPLE DO RESEARCH AND REPORT FACTS.
THE PEOPLE ON TWITTER...
DID I MENTION MY PEOPLE ARE FAST?
OH, GOOD.
THE SPEEDIER, THE TRUTHIER!

WANT TO JOIN THE CLUB O' GREAT EXCLUSIVITY?
SURE.
SORRY. YOU CAN'T.
THEN WHY'D YOU ASK?
TO FEEL SUPERIOR.
THAT'S VERY HURTFUL.

BEHOLD! I HAVE FORMED THE CLUB O' GREAT EXCLUSIVITY.
HOW EXCLUSIVE IS IT?
I'M THE ONLY MEMBER.
THEN WHY EVEN FORM A CLUB?
TO EXPERIENCE THE JOY OF EXCLUDING OTHERS.
SEEK HELP.
AND LEAVE THIS PLACE UNGUARDED? NICE TRY, EXCLUDED GUY.

Three ways to save a life today.
Gather up courage to run into burning building and carry out person on back.
(Not recommended.)
Jump into raging river and pull drowning person to shore.
(Not safe.)
Check little box.
IT'S EITHER THAT OR GIVE 'EM TO THE WORMS.
TO HECK WITH THOSE LITTLE WORMS!!

WELL, SARA, THIS HAS BEEN A WONDERFUL FIRST DATE.
I'VE REALLY ENJOYED IT. I NEVER THOUGHT I’D MEET ANYONE ON A DATING APP.
ME EITHER.
BUT IT HAPPENED! AND WE'RE SO COMPATIBLE. OUR MUSIC, INTERESTS, LIFESTYLE.
I KNOW! IT'S LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT. WELL, I BETTER CALL IT A NIGHT.
ME TOO. JUST GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP AND I CAN'T WAIT TO TRY IT OUT.
OOH, THAT'S A BIG BED. WHAT SIDE ARE YOU GONNA SLEEP ON?
THE RIGHT, OF COURSE. I ALWAYS SLEEP ON THE RIGHT.
BUT I ALWAYS SLEEP ON THE RIGHT.
DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU IN THE @#%.
SEE YA. WOULDN'T WANT TO BE YA.
SOME THINGS ARE NON-NEGOTIABLE.
OH, ALSO NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN.

HELP! HELP! SOMEONE'S HAVING A MEDICAL EMERGENCY! IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE??
NO! BUT I'M A NOTARY PUBLIC! AND I CAN SEE TO IT THAT A DOCUMENT GETS SIGNED AND WITNESSED AND I CAN ATTEST TO THE VERACITY OF THE SIGNATURE!
I COULDN'T SAVE HIM.

I DON'T GET IT. I BUY THINGS, THINGS, THINGS, AND I'M NOT HAPPY. SO I BUY BIGGER THINGS, BETTER THINGS, FASTER THINGS, AND I'M STILL NOT HAPPY.
MAYBE LIFE IS ABOUT EXPERIENCES!
I HATE IT WHEN HE DOES THAT.

Rat's Chart of the Factors That Control Your Destiny...
HARD WORK!
DUMB LUCK
HARD WORK!
I'VE GOT THE DUMB PART DOWN.
YOU'RE HALFWAY THERE.

WHY THE OUTFIT?
I’VE STARTED A NEW RELIGION.
ITS CENTRAL TENET IS TO
LOVE YOUR FELLOW MAN.
UNLESS HE DOES SOMETHING YOU DISLIKE. THEN YOU CAN KICK HIM IN THE REAR.
I LIKE MY RELIGIONS TO BE REALISTIC.

HEY, GOAT. CALLING TO SAY I'M AT OLD MAN JOHNSON'S HOUSE. HE CAME HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL TO DIE AT HOME.
WELL, THERE'S SOMETHING TO BE SAID FOR DYING PEACEFULLY IN YOUR OWN BED.
HE'S NOT GOING PEACEFULLY.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
WELL, GIVEN THE STATE OF THINGS, WE THOUGHT WE'D GET A HEAD START ON EVERYONE.
A HEAD START TO WHERE?
HELL IN A HANDBASKET.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
THAT'S ONE WAY TO HANDLE THINGS.

HEY, BRUH...HOW'S YOUR DORM? IS IT SICK?
YEAH. IT'S OKAY.
ANY OF YOUR ROOMMATES CRAY?
NO.
YO. YOU CAN KEEP IT ONE HUNDRED WITH ME.
I AM.
HEARD YOU WENT TO A PARTY. WAS IT LIT?
IT WAS FINE.
YOU GET PRETTY TURN'T? THAT'D BE DOPE.
IT'S EMBARRASSING WHEN YOU CALL AND READ FROM A LIST OF SLANG YOU JUST FOUND ON THE INTERNET, DAD.
STOP THROWING SHADE, BRUH.
I'M GONNA GO NOW, DAD.

IF YOU'RE LIKE ME, YOU PROBABLY JUST LEARNED THE TERM "FOMO"... IT MEANS "FEAR OF MISSING OUT."
AND YOU'RE THE ONE MISSING OUT, BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT ON TOP OF TODAY'S SLANG. SO GET AHEAD OF THE CURVE WITH THIS HANDY GUIDE.
FOBO
FEAR OF BEING OBLONG
FOCO
FEAR OF CAREFREE OTTERS
FODO
FEAR OF DEMORALIZING OATMEAL
FOFO
FEAR OF FAMILY OCCASIONS
YOU LEFT OUT F.O.F.T.A.T.A.
FEAR OF FAILING TO AMUSE ANYONE.
I DON'T HAVE THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
TRYING OUT THIS SYNCHRONICITY THEORY. IT SAYS THAT IF YOU BELIEVE YOU WILL GET SOMETHING, YOU WILL. SO I WROTE DOWN WHAT I WANT.
WHAT'D YOU WRITE?
PEACE FOR ALL MANKIND. HERE... YOU TRY.
Nachos.
YOU CAN PROBABLY JUST BUY THEM.
THEY DON'T DROP FROM THE SKY?

COME PLAY WITH ME, DAD!
I JUST DID. NOW I'M READING. REMEMBER, YOU GET YOUR TIME AT THE PARK AND I GET MINE.
Dat smart. And juss tink, one day he no need your time at all.

THE TRIAL OF THIS GUY HAS TAKEN OVER A MONTH.
THAT’S ABSURD.
WHY IS THAT ABSURD?
BECAUSE I CAN JUDGE A GUY IN TWO SECONDS ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
SOME PEOPLE LIKE EVIDENCE.
NO TIME. JUST JUMP ON THE BANDWAGON AND GO.

HEY, GOAT, WHY DO YOU HAVE PHOTOS OF ARMY GUYS ON YOUR BLOG?
THEY’RE PHOTOS OF NORMANDY BEACH DURING WORLD WAR TWO. I POST THEM EVERY ELECTION DAY AS A REMINDER.
A REMINDER OF WHAT?
THAT PEOPLE FOUGHT AND DIED SO YOU WOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO VOTE TODAY.
HE’S A VERY PERSUASIVE GOAT.
CAN I VOTE MORE THAN ONCE PLEASE?

EVERY TIME I GO TO THE BATHROOM AT HOME, I WALK 37.9 FEET. AND I GO TO THE BATHROOM TEN TIMES A DAY.
SO?
SO OVER THE COURSE OF A YEAR, THAT'S 138,335 FEET, WHICH WORKS OUT TO OVER 26 MILES.
WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME ALL THIS?
BECAUSE I'VE COMPLETED MY FIRST MARATHON!
I DON'T THINK THAT COUNTS.
IT JUST TAKES DISCIPLINE.

RAT'S RECIPES FOR DISASTER
Buy newspapers. You'd THINK there'd be some tension.
Replace them with billions of people whose only qualification is having a computer.
Heard a rumor today that squirrels can kill.
SQUIRREL TERRORIST CELLS! I will RE-TWEET THAT.
Stir in a few RUSSIANS... AMERIKANS... SQUIRRELS KILLSKI YOUSKI!!!
Have an election that is permeated on an informed electorate.
SQUIRRELS HATE YOUR FREEDOMS!
HE WILL ELECT... er... HE WILL ELECT JEFF.
Cook 'till democracy evaporates.
MAYBE WE SHOULD PAY FOR JOURNALISM AGAIN.
DON'T BOTHER. WE'RE COOKED.
I'LL BE SAFE IN HERE.