Pearls Before Swine | Search

I'M SAD TODAY. I'M GONNA DRAW SAD PICTURES.
BUT THEN YOU'LL JUST BE WALLLOWING IN IT. MAKE YOURSELF USEFUL INSTEAD.
HOW?
I'M MAKING A FRUIT SALAD IN THE KITCHEN. GO IN THERE AND HELP.

I'M HAVING A SAD DAY.
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE SAD?
I GO TO THE GROCERY STORE AND DRAW SAD FACES.
ON WHAT?
IS IT ME OR DO THESE GRAPEFRUIT LOOK DEPRESSED?

HAPPY NEW YEAR, RAT. WHY AREN'T YOU CELEBRATING?
BECAUSE I WELCOMED IN 2018 LIKE THIS, AND IT BIT ME IN THE @$$.
MAYBE I SHOULDN'T INVITE YOU TO THESE PARTIES.
I SEE YOU COMING, 2019!

WE SHALL PICK AN ARBITRARY MOMENT ON THE CLOCK.
AND WHAT WILL HAPPEN THEN?
WE WILL SEE THAT MOMENT AS A REBIRTH, A START OF SOMETHING NEW.
NEW WHAT?
NEW BEGINNING! NEW LIFE! NEW HOPE!
BUT THE MOMENT IS ARBITRARY.
YES, BUT PEOPLE WON'T REALIZE THAT.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE WE WILL MAKE SURE THAT SAME MOMENT IS FILLED WITH ALCOHOL!
HOW MUCH ALCOHOL?
SO MUCH THAT THEY'LL KISS STRANGERS IN FUNNY HATS!
BRILLIANT!
AND THAT'S HOW NEW YEAR'S EVE WAS INVENTED.
I THINK THIS IS WHY I STAY HOME.
AWW...GUNS FIRED IN THE AIR! HOW SAFE!

LOOK, RAT! I FOUND A MAGIC LAMP AND NOW I CAN WISH FOR ANYTHING IN THE WORLD!
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA WISH FOR?
WHEN A PACKAGE SAYS "TEAR HERE", I'D LIKE TO BE ABLE TO TEAR IT THERE.
I FEEL LIKE THAT COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER USED.
I CAN NOW ACCESS MY POTATO CHIPS!!

HI, NEIGH-BOR BOB. HOW YOU DOIN' TODAY?
WONDERFUL. WORKED ON MY ROSE GARDEN. PLAYED A LITTLE VIOLIN. READ SOME SHAKESPEARE. TONIGHT I MAY TAKE MY WIFE TO A FRENCH BISTRO THAT I-
HE WAS TRIPPED YOU BLIND @#$%**@ MORON!!!
SORRY. MY KID'S PLAYING SOCCER.

IN THE NEWS TODAY, WAR, VIOLENCE,
AND SUFFERING... IN OTHER NEWS,
CLIMATE SCIENTISTS WARN WE MAY
HAVE JUST TWENTY YEARS LEFT BEFORE
COMPLETE ENVIRONMENTAL CATASTROPHE.
SOMETIMES DANCING HELPS.

FRANZ, THE PUNNING PROFESSOR OF MUSIC! I THOUGHT I SHOT YOU.
IT ONLY GRAZED ME. IN FACT, MY PAL VINNIE JUST BROUGHT ME BACK FROM THE HOSPITAL, BUT UNFORTUNATELY, OUR CAR BROKE DOWN.
SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT WHAT LOCAL TOW SERVICE DID YOU TELL ME TO CALL?
BAY TOW, VIN.
I SHOT HIM AGAIN.

THE SUCCESSFUL LIFE: A PERSONALITY QUIZ
What is the thing you're most excited about when you wake up in the morning?
The snooze button
MY MOTIVATION IS LESS THAN STELLAR.

I'M WARNING YOU, FRANZ, I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF YOUR STUPID MUSIC COMPOSER PUNS TODAY.
NOT INTERESTED IN PUNNING TODAY. TOO BUSY TRACKING THIS DODGERS GAME ON MY PHONE.
FINE. AS LONG AS WE JUST TALK ABOUT BASEBALL.
AHH, NUTS... STUPID PITCHER JUST LET IN A RUN.
HOW?
A BACH.
I SHOT HIM.

TABLE FOR ONE, PLEASE.
VERY WELL. YOU CAN SIT HERE AT THIS TABLE FOR TWO.
I’LL JUST TAKE AWAY THE EXTRA PLATE.
AND GLASS AND BOWL AND NAPKIN.
AND YOUR UTENSILS, TOO, FOR SOMEONE WHO CAN’T FIND A SINGLE DINING COMPANION PROBABLY EATS WITH THEIR HANDS.
AND HERE, HAVE A BUCKET TO SIT ON, BECAUSE YOU SURELY DON’T DESERVE A CHAIR.
THERE NOW…WHAT WOULD THE GUY ON THE BUCKET LIKE?
IT’S HARD TO BE SINGLE.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TIME OF DAY, GOAT?
IT WOULD HAVE TO BE WHEN I GET UP EARLY IN THE MORNING AND IT'S STILL DARK.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE IT'S SO PEACEFUL. I DON'T KNOW WHY MORE PEOPLE DON'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT.
BECAUSE WE'RE NOT LUNATICS!
NOT A MORNING GUY.
OH. AND I LOVE A NICE BOWL OF PRUNES.

HEY SANTA,
HOW GOES
IT?
BAD.
SANTA'S
LONELY.
WHY DON'T YOU TRY
TALKING TO THE WOMAN
NEXT TO YOU?
I SEE YOU WHEN YOU'RE
SLEEPING,
I KNOW WHEN YOU'RE
AWAKE.
MAYBE TRY
A NEW
OPENING
LINE.
IT'S PART OF THE
DARN SONG!

I THINK I'LL CONSIDER MY LIFE A SUCCESS IF WHEN I DIE, I LEAVE THIS WORLD WITH NO REGRETS.
OH, I'LL HAVE REGRETS.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE THERE WILL BE CHEESE LEFT IN THE WORLD THAT I HAVEN'T CONSUMED.
A TRAGEDY.
I CAN ONLY PRAY THAT HEAVEN IS ONE BIG CHEESE FACTORY.

GREETINGS, RAT. WONDERING IF YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND ON MUSIC LESSONS.
LISTEN, FRANZ THE PUNNING PROFESSOR OF MUSIC... YOU GET AWAY FROM MY HOUSE.
WHAT'D I DO?
YOU WANT THE WHOLE LIZST?
YES. THE WHOLE LIZST.
STOP IT NOW.

HEY, RAT, I'M TRYING TO DETERMINE THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS TO USE THIS YEAR. CAN YOU GO OUTSIDE AND LET ME KNOW IF I SHOULD TURN ON MORE OR LESS?
OKAY.
BUT I'M VERY SENSITIVE ABOUT IT, SO TRY TO BE KIND!
WELL?
MORE ON! MORE ON!
THAT HURTS.

YESS!! WE FINALLY GOT TO THE QUARTERBACK!!
WAIT. THERE'S A FLAG.
PERSONAL FOUL. DEFENSE.
ROUGHING THE PASSER. NOT PHYSICALLY, BUT EMOTIONALLY. IN A WAY THAT MIGHT MAKE HIM SADDY SAD.
THE N.F.L.'S CHANGED.

HUH?
PANCAKES ARE THE ANSWER.
TO WHAT QUESTION?
WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT ALL THE AWFUL THINGS GOING ON IN THE WORLD.
PANCAKES ARE HIGH IN CARBS. THEY'RE SUPER-FATTENING. AND THEY'RE USUALLY SMOTHERED IN SUGAR. HOW CAN SOMETHING THAT BAD HELP?
TO COVER OUR FACES. SO WE DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
I FEEL EXQUISITE.

HELLO... BEFORE YOU ORDER TONIGHT, DO YOU HAVE ANY DIETARY RESTRICTIONS?
YES.
WHAT ARE THEY?
IF I EAT TOO MUCH, MY PANTS WILL EXPLODE.
I MEANT LIKE EXPOSURE TO GLUTENS.
YES, MY GLUTES WILL BE EXPOSED.

HEY, RAT...
THERE YOU ARE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT, NEIGHBOR BOB?
YOUR BIG OLIVE TREE IS STAINING MY DRIVEWAY.
THESE NEW "STAND YOUR GROUND" LAWS ARE TERRIFIC.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA DECORATE THE FRONT OF OUR HOUSE WITH CHRISTMAS STUFF TODAY.
I DID.
YOU JUST POURED WATER ON THE PORCH.
FROSTY THE GLOBAL WARMING SNOWMAN.
NOT A JOLLY, HAPPY SOUL.

HEY, FRANZ THE RUNNING PROFESSOR OF MUSIC, DIDN'T I TELL YOU WE DON'T WANT LESSONS?
YES, BUT IT'S AN EMERGENCY. SOME HUNGRY CROCS ARE EYEING A FEMALE ZEBRA.
DO YOU WANT US TO CALL THE POLICE?
YES. BEFORE THEY MAHLER.
PLEASE KILL HIM OFF NOW.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES. I'M FRANZ THE PIANO TEACHER. I SPECIALIZE IN CLASSICAL TRAINING. I'M WONDERING IF YOU'D LIKE LESSONS.
I'VE HEARD ABOUT YOU. YOU'RE THAT MUSIC TEACHER WHO ANNOYS PEOPLE WITH YOUR STUPID PUNS.
NOT TRUE. BUT IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED, YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED.
THOUGH IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, I'LL BE HAYDN OVER THERE.
I'M ALREADY SICK OF THIS CHARACTER.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB... YOU NEED TO STOP HAVING LOUD PARTIES THAT KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT.
AND YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT WHEN YOU POINT ONE FINGER, THERE ARE THREE MORE POINTING BACK AT YOU.
CRACK
I HAD FOUR MORE FINGERS WITH OPINIONS.

We put our dog to sleep on Wednesday. She had cancer.
her name was Edee. And she was the only dog I’ve ever had.
My wife Staci would walk her every morning and stop at this corner where little school kids passed.
Even kids that were afraid of dogs would pet her because Edee was so gentle and sweet. That was her nature.
Sometimes when I was drawing, she’d lie on the couch outside my studio door and protect me from squirrels. None ever got in.
( Squirrel free zone )
She also protected me from a mallard duck. It was stuffed and not likely to do much. But Edee’s heart was in the right place.
Which is why ours hurt so much now.
So run, Edee, run, to that beautiful field where you always knew there was love and affection you gave.