Pearls Before Swine | Search

YOUR GUIDE TO FINANCIAL FREEDOM
by Rat
Working hard is the single biggest contributor to your odds of financial success.
As well as to heart disease, depression, and strokes.
So life has you by the oompaloopmas.
Give up now.
I WAS HOPING FOR A MORE POSITIVE ENDING.

HEY, OLD WOMAN WANDA, RAT SAYS YOU'VE BEEN COMPLAINING TO THE POLICE ABOUT SOME OF THE STUFF YOU'VE SEEN GOING ON AT OUR HOUSE.
YOU BET I HAVE AND WILL CONTINUE TO. WHY?
BECAUSE IT'S CURTAINS FOR YOU.
PRETTY LACY ONES TO COVER YOUR WINDOWS!
MAYBE I'LL JUST LEAVE THEM ON THE PORCH.

WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO, RAT?
PIG ASKED IF I WANTED TO TAKE THE FERRY WITH HIM.
THE FERRY? I DIDN'T KNOW WE HAD FERRY SERVICE.
ME NEITHER.
YOU NEED TO BE A LOT MORE SPECIFIC.

Percentage of my problems that occur during my waking hours:
100%
Percentage of my problems that occur when I am asleep in bed:
0%
BED IS MATHEMATICALLY CORRECT.

SO I SAW THIS GREAT MOVIE. LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENS IN IT.
OH GOSH, I'D LOVE TO TALK MORE. BUT MY PHONE BATTERY IS ABOUT TO DIE AND MIGHT CUT YOU OFF.
WE'RE NOT TALKING ON THE PHONE.
I FORGOT THAT DOESN'T WORK IN PERSON.

I JUST REALIZED THAT ALL THE DUMB THINGS I'VE EVER DONE HAVE HAPPENED AFTER DRINKING A SIX-PACK OF BEER.
WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?
THAT INTELLIGENCE REQUIRES AT LEAST SEVEN BEERS.
NO.
DRINKING IS ALWAYS THE ANSWER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
TRYING TO DO A SUMMARY OF ALL THE WORLD'S RELIGIONS FOR THIS CLASS I'M TAKING. BUT THERE ARE SO MANY RELIGIONS THAT I'VE ALREADY WRITTEN 100 PAGES.
Be kind.
NOW I FEEL WORDY.

HEY, RAT, THIS IS MY EXERCISE BUDDY, ED.
HEY. WANT A BEER?
HAHA...NO. I DON'T DRINK ALCOHOL.
WANT TO SPLIT A PIZZA?
OHH NO, NO, NO...THAT'S TERRIBLE FOR YOU.
CHILI FRIES?
GOODNESS...HOW CAN YOU EAT STUFF LIKE THAT? YOU TAKE YEARS OFF YOUR LIFE.
BECAUSE LIFE IS AN AMUSEMENT PARK. AND WHILE YOU'LL STAY THERE LONGER, ALL THE RIDES WILL BE CLOSED.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
LEARNING TO SHARE. I NEVER GIVE ANYTHING TO ANYONE. AND THAT HAS TO CHANGE.
ALL THESE FOODS ARE MONTHS PAST THEIR EXPIRATION DATE.
SO SHARING'S NOT THE SAME AS CLEANING OUT YOUR REFRIGERATOR?
NO.
OOH...SIX-YEAR-OLD YOGURT!

HEY, PIG, WHY DO YOU HAVE A PIECE OF PAPER STUCK TO YOUR BELLY?
IT'S MY NEW DIET.
SO?
SO I'M STICKING TO IT.
NOT SURE THAT'S WHAT YOUR DOCTOR MEANT.
ODDLY, I'M NOT LOSING WEIGHT.

WHAT I WANT OUT OF LIFE:
Love.
Respect.
Acceptance.
But I'll take pizza.
I LIKE TO BE REALISTIC.

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL FALL WE'RE HAVING EXACTLY LIKE LAST YEAR
WELL NOT EXACTLY
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
WE'RE ONE YEAR CLOSER TO DEATH
WAY TO MAKE IT A NEGATIVE
NEGATIVE I MEANT THAT AS A POSITIVE

YOUR PLANS FOR LIFE
YIP! YIP! YIP!
LIFE
YIP
THE FUTURE EXPLAINED.
WE'RE ALL JUST PANCAKED POODLES.

WHEN I WAS YOUNG, YOU COULDN'T BUY SHREDDED CHEESE AT THE GROCERY STORE. YOU HAD TO GRATE IT YOURSELF.
SO?
SO THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH AMERICA. WE USED TO WORK HARD FOR WHAT WE GOT. NOW WE WANT EVERYTHING DONE FOR US.
YEAH, WELL, WHAT CAN YOU DO?
MAKE AMERICA GRATE AGAIN!!
WHEN IS YOUR TERM OVER?

WORDS o' WISE WISDOM
Some people think the key to happiness is to buy expensive homes and cars and watches that impress others.
But it doesn't impress others.
It just makes them resentful.
Because they are just as self-centered.
And unless they are being given that house or car or watch, they really don't care.
So if you want true happiness in your life, don't waste your money trying to impress others.
Give it to me.
SO I CAN DOMINATE THE WORLD
NOT WHERE I THOUGHT THAT WAS GOING.
SOMEONE HAS TO DOMINATE THE WORLD.
YOU, SIR, HAVE CONVINCED ME!

Dear Rat,
I want to be great.
How do I go about it?
Well, greatness is relative.
So belittle others.
I HAVE A KNACK FOR THIS.

HEY, PIG, I JUST GOT THE BILL FROM THAT HOTEL WE STAYED AT AND IT HAS FIFTY DOLLARS WORTH OF PURCHASES FROM THE MINI-BAR.
YEAH. IT HAD CANDY BARS.
SO?
SO IF SOMEONE PUTS CANDY BARS IN YOUR HOTEL ROOM, YOUR MOUTH FORCES YOU TO EAT THEM.
THERE'S SOMETHING CALLED SELF-CONTROL.
NOT WHEN YOUR MOUTH TAKES YOU HOSTAGE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE KINDEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR OTHERS?
WELL, IT'S HARD AND TAKES A LOT OF PATIENCE, BUT I THINK IT'S TO ACCEPT OTHER PEOPLE FOR WHO THEY ARE.
I ACCEPT YOU FOR THE IDIOT YOU ARE.
NOT THAT HARD.
AWWWWW ACCEPTANCE!

YEARS AGO, IF I WANTED TO HAVE MY IDEAS HEARD, IT WAS HARD BECAUSE AN EDITOR WOULD HAVE TO AGREE TO PUBLISH THEM.
BUT THEN CAME THE INTERNET, AND WE ALL SUDDENLY HAD A VOICE.
IT MAY BE JUST A RUMOR, BUT IT SOUNDS TRUE TO ME.
JUST BOYCOTT HIS @#!*% BLACK.
IT'S THE WORST SEASON HE HAS EVER MADE.
DIE, $%@#
YOU RACIST &*)(*%
WHAT YOU THINK, FOOL
MAYBE EDITORS WERE GOOD.

HEY, LOOK, IT'S JOJO JOURNALIST. HE TRIES SO HARD TO INFORM PEOPLE, BUT HARDLY ANYONE SEEMS TO CARE ANYMORE.
YEAH, AND FOR SOME REASON, HE LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR.
GOOD GRIEF.
DON'T FALL FOR THE FOOTBALL TRICK!

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, PIG?
A LIST OF ALL THE STATES I'VE BEEN IN OVER THE COURSE OF MY LIFE.
OH, HOW FUN... WHAT DO YOU HAVE SO FAR?
• Emotional wreck
• Depressed
• Afraid
WHY IS THAT FUN?

YOU! STOP RIGHT THERE!
Me?
YES, YOU GOT SOME I.D.?
Yes, sir.
HAVE ANYTHING ELSE IN YOUR POCKET?
No, sir.
OH, REALLY? PUT YOUR ARMS UP.
SPREAD YOUR LEGS!
Please, sir... I'm innocent.
INNOCENT? I'LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT. THAT YOUR BACKPACK?
Yes, sir.
TOSS
HURL
TOSS
TRANSPORTATION SAFETY ADMINISTRATION
OKAY... ENJOY YOUR TRIP!
AND THEY SAY VACATIONS ARE STRESSFUL.
IT’S FROM MY NEW BOOK, "WE’RE ALL JUST SHEEP NOW."
YAAAAY! FREE WOOL FOR EVERYONE!

HELLO?
HELLO, GRETA GOOSE... IT'S ME, PIG... WANT TO GET LUNCH TODAY?
CAN'T... I HAVE TO GO TO THE DOCTOR.
HOW COME?
FLU SHOT.
OH MY GOODNESS. IF A BULLET HAD HIT ME, I WOULD HAVE LANDED RIGHT AWAY.
I NEVER KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

HEY, RAT, THE LEAVES NEED RAKING AND IT'S YOUR TURN TO RAKE THEM.
YEAH, BUT I RAKED THEM TWO WEEKS AGO AND THE TREES DUMPED MORE LEAVES.
SO?
SO I FOUND THAT DISRESPECTFUL.
HE HAS A POINT.
HOW ELSE WILL TREES LEARN?

I'VE SPENT THE LAST FEW MONTHS TRYING TO EDUCATE MYSELF ABOUT ALL THE BAD THINGS HAPPENING AROUND THE WORLD.
AND WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED SO FAR?
Remain dumb.
IT'S A SOUND COPING STRATEGY.