Pearls Before Swine | Search

LIFE IS TERRIBLE. I'M GONNA JUMP AND END IT ALL.
WAIT... WHO SAID THAT?
CLARENCE, YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL, HERE TO SHOW YOU WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED HAD YOU NEVER LIVED.
LIKE HERE, LOOK AT YOUR GOOD PAL, PIG... HE DOESN'T HAVE YOU AROUND IN HIS LIFE.
SO HE HAS TO MAKE OTHER FRIENDS. BUT THEY'RE LIKE YOU. AND SUDDENLY, HE'S SELF-CONFIDENT AND HAPPY, AND HIS LIFE HAPPINESS SOARS.
AND THE ENTIRE WORLD IS AT PEACE AND THE MIDDLE EAST IS CALM AND ALL RACES AND CREEDS LIVE TOGETHER IN BROTHERHOOD.
SO YOU SHOULD PROBABLY JUMP.
NO WAY. I HAVE A SICKENINGLY SWEET WORLD TO DISRUPT.

PIG, WHY ARE YOUR FINGERS ORANGE?
FROM EATING CHEESE PUFFS.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST WASH YOUR HANDS?
IT'S PERMANENT.
GET HELP.
THERE ARE NO REHAB CLINICS FOR PUFFAHOLICS!!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
FORGIVING SINS FOR CASH.
THAT'S NOT ETHICAL.
I'M FORGIVEN.

THIS CHURCH IS MAKING IT REALLY EASY TO GET ORDAINED AS A PRIEST. THEY LET YOU DO IT ONLINE.
IS THAT A GOOD THING?
I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS IT DEPENDS ON WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE APPLY.
BLESS YOU, MY SON.
IT'S A BAD THING.

I FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT MYSELF TODAY. MY LACK OF DRIVE... MY LACK OF SELF- DISCIPLINE... MY LACK OF SUCCESS.
WELL, GO OUT AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
GOOD.
I'LL GO ON THE INTERNET AND HEAP SCORN ON COMPLETE STRANGERS.
NO.
AHHH... THE JOYS OF ANONYMITY.

I'M GOING ON A DATE WITH PIGITA TONIGHT. I THINK THINGS MIGHT GET PRETTY ROMANTIC.
WELL, MAKE SURE YOU BRING PROTECTION.
YOU THINK THAT'S IMPORTANT?
OF COURSE.
FRIENDS OF YOURS?
DON'T GET TOO CLOSE.

EVERY HEADSTONE, EVERY BOOK, EVERY SCULPTURE, EVERY SONG, EVERY BUILDING, EVERY AWARD, ARE ALL JUST THE SAME THING ... THE INDIVIDUAL CRYING, 'I WAS HERE.'
AND YET EVERY ONE OF US, GIVEN THE PASSAGE OF ENOUGH TIME, IS FORGOTTEN.
SO DRINK BEER, 'CAUSE SOON YOU'LL BE DEAD.
NOT QUITE WHAT I WAS GOING FOR.
EMBRACE THE VOID.

Today's Lesson:
The Life of a 17-Year Cicada
Year 1: Stuck in dirt
Year 2: Stuck in dirt
Year 3: Stuck in dirt
Year 4: Stuck in dirt
Year 5: Stuck in dirt
Year 6: Stuck in dirt
Year 7: Stuck in dirt
Year 8: Stuck in dirt
Year 9: Stuck in dirt
Year 10: Stuck in dirt
Year 11: Stuck in dirt
Year 12: Stuck in dirt
Year 13: Stuck in dirt
Year 14: Stuck in dirt
Year 15: Stuck in dirt
Year 16: Stuck in dirt
Year 17:
Emergence
Next four weeks:
Try to find mate
No mate
No mate
No mate
Death
AND I THOUGHT MY LIFE WAS BAD.
THEN A BIRD EATS HIM.
FINALLY! SOMEONE MORE ROMANTICALLY DESPERATE THAN ME!!

I HEARD YOU BROKE UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND PIGITA BECAUSE SHE LIKES PINEAPPLE ON HER PIZZA. AND I DON'T BLAME YOU. WHEN IT COMES TO PIZZA TOPPINGS, IT'S ANCHOVIES OR NOTHING.
AND THAT WAS THE END OF OUR FRIENDSHIP.

I BROKE UP WITH PIGITA. WE FINALLY HIT UPON AN ISSUE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP THAT WE JUST COULDN'T GET PAST.
OH MY GOD. WHAT WAS IT?
SHE LIKES PINEAPPLE ON HER PIZZA.
HAWAIIAN STYLE. THE WORST.
WE'VE AGREED TO NEVER SPEAK AGAIN.

WHERE YOU GOING WITH THAT SPONGE?
I SPILLED CARBONARA SAUCE IN THE KITCHEN. THEN I ACCIDENTALLY WALKED THROUGH IT AND STEPPED ON THE RUG.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
TRY TO REDUCE MY CARBONARA FOOTPRINT.
YOU RUIN ALL OF OUR ENVIRONMENTS.

I hear you got a new car.
Yeah. Has lots of cool features. Like when you reach up to close the trunk, you just push a button. You don’t have to actually pull the trunk down.
How lazy have we become?
Pretty lazy.
My goal is no physical movement at all.
Hey, look. Obesity is up.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HELLO. HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS?
YES! THE STEELERS COVERED THE SPREAD!
THEY WOULDN'T EVEN HIGH-FIVE ME.

PIG, THIS IS MY FRIEND, PETE. HE'S A PI! KAPPA GAMMA, JUST LIKE I WAS IN COLLEGE. WANT TO GO TO LUNCH WITH US?

OH, DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT FOOD. IT'S TORTURE. I'M TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT.

WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER TALK ABOUT?

ANYTHING... YOUR FRIEND... WHAT FRATERNITY DID YOU SAY HE'S IN?
PETE'S A PI.

AHHHH!!
WITH PEPPERONI AND OLIVES!!!

WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?

I NEVER KNOW.

HOW ARE YOUR EGGS, DAD?
RUNNY. BUT I GUESS THEY'RE FINE.
SORRY. THIS WAS THE ONLY PLACE I COULD TAKE YOU FOR BREAKFAST THAT WAS NEAR YOUR HOUSE.
YEAH. WELL, WITH THE TRAFFIC NOW, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO GO ANYWHERE.
JUST YESTERDAY, I HAD TO GET TO MY DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT. MADE ME TEN MINUTES LATE.
OF COURSE, THAT STUPID DOCTOR IS ALWAYS LATE, TOO. HE'S TERRIBLE.
THE IDIOT DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS PAIN IN MY LEG IS.
HURTS. ALL THE TIME. PAIN. PAIN, PAIN, PAIN. IT'S HORRIBLE.
NOW MY G*#% COFFEE'S COLD.
YOU KNOW WHY YOU DON'T TAKE ME TO BREAKFAST MORE OFTEN?
'CAUSE LIFE'S JUST...NOT...WORTH...LIVING.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
AN INSPIRATIONAL ALARM CLOCK. I DESIGNED IT TO HELP FOLKS START THEIR DAY ON THE RIGHT NOTE.
*CLICK*
YOUR DAY WILL BE RUINED BY A @#$%*#@ IDIOT.
HOW DOES THAT INSPIRE ME?
YESTERDAY, IT WAS TWO IDIOTS.

HEY, RAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
PIG'S THROWING A BIG BLOCK PARTY. HE ASKED ME TO INVITE YOU.
WOW... THOSE THINGS ARE QUITE THE HIP EVENT THESE DAYS... SO TELL HIM SURE, I'LL GO.
WELCOME.
I'M GOING HOME.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB, YOU NEED TO STOP HAVING LOUD PARTIES IN YOUR BACKYARD THAT GO PAST MIDNIGHT.
IT'S MY BACKYARD AND I WILL GO OUT THERE AND DO WHATEVER I WANT, AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
CHECK YOUR BACKDOOR, BOB.
REMOVE THE BRICKS, RAT.
I'M GIVING YOU A TIMEOUT, BOB.

I'M WRITING A MOVIE ABOUT BOISE, IDAHO. THE TOWN HAS BARRICADED ITSELF OFF FROM THE WORLD AND THEY'RE KILLING OFF EVERYONE WHO'S NOT FROM BOISE.
BUT HOW DO THEY KNOW IF YOU'RE FROM THERE OR NOT.?
THEY ASK, "WHERE ARE YOU FROM?"
BUT PEOPLE WILL JUST LIE AND SAY BOISE.
HA! YOU FOOL! YOU PRONOUNCED IT "BOY-ZEE." NATIVES SAY "BOY-SEE." BOY-ZEE! BOY-SEE! SO BAM BAM! YOU'RE DEAD!
I'M BORED ALREADY.
WAIT... NOW I'VE GIVEN AWAY THEIR SECRET.

DATE ME! I'M LONELY!
DATE ME! I'M NEEDY!
THAT IS NOT WHAT MY TINDER PROFILE SCREAMS.
YES, IT IS.
WHOA, YOU ARE DEFINITELY A SWIPE-LEFTER.

HOW TO APPRECIATE ALL THAT IS AROUND YOU
by Rat
Lower your standards immensely.
I JUST SOLVED LIFE.

BANKING EXPLAINED
WE CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP
WELL, SIR, NO LOAN FOR YOU. WE HAVE TO BE VERY CAREFUL UNDER ALL THESE NEW BANKING REGULATIONS.
BUT AREN'T YOU THE SAME BANK WHOSE EMPLOYEES OPENED TWO MILLION FAKE ACCOUNTS TO CHARGE CUSTOMERS FAKE FEES?
YES.
BUT WE FIRED THOSE BAD APPLES!
BUT WAS SOMEONE HELD RESPONSIBLE?
YES, SIR! SHE'S RETIRING
RETIRING?
WITH A $124,000,000 PAYOUT.
SO YOU COLLECT FAKE FEES FROM CUSTOMERS. FIRE THE EMPLOYEES YOU PRESSURED. AND NO ONE AT THE TOP TAKES THE BLAME?
YES. BUT IF YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT IT, YOU SHOULD TALK TO YOUR CONGRESSMAN.
I HANG WITH THE BANKS' C.E.O.
I LOVE YOU BEST BUDDY!
I LOVE YOU TOO, BEST BUDDY!
MORE, MORE, BEST BUDDY!
WHERE DOES IT ALL END?
I'M HOPING FOR PITCHFORKS AND TORCHES.
JUST TELL ME WHO TO POKE!

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. YOU OKAY?
NOT REALLY. I'M GOING THROUGH WITHDRAWALS AND MY ARMS ARE SHAKING A LITTLE BIT.
OH, I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T KNOW. IS IT ALCOHOL? DRUGS?
I LEFT MY SMARTPHONE AT HOME.
WE'RE A SAD GENERATION.

THIS FORM IS ASKING ME WHAT KIND OF BLOOD I HAVE.
DO YOU KNOW?
BAD BLOOD. BETWEEN ME AND ALL MY RELATIVES.
NOT AN ACTUAL BLOOD TYPE.
IS BOILING A BLOOD TYPE?

YOU KNOW HOW MAIDS ARE NOW HOUSEKEEPERS AND STEWARDESSES ARE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS AND GARBAGE-MEN ARE SANITATION ENGINEERS?
YEAH. WHY?
BECAUSE I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET A DOMESTICATED UNGULATE.
MOOOOOO.
IT'S CALLED A COW.
NOT ANYMORE.
HOW NOW, BROWN DOMESTICATED UNGULATE?