Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT'S THIS ON
THE THIRD
HOLE, RAT?
IT'S A STATUE OF HEDGE FUND MANAGER JOE. JOE'S A GUY WITH THREE HOUSES AND SIX CARS WHO HELPED CAUSE THE BANK CRISIS IN 2008.
BUT WHERE'S THE GOLF
HOLE?
THERE ISN'T ONE. YOU JUST TAKE YOUR CLUB AND NAIL JOE IN THE HOO HAHS.
SUDDENLY, I LOVE MINI - GOLF.
NO! NOT THE HOO - HAWS!
HURRY. THERE'S A HUGE LINE.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE HERE, RAT?
MY NEW MINI-GOLF COURSE. THE FIRST HOLE IS CALLED "GRAVE ERROR".
BUT THERE’S NOTHING SPECIAL. IT’S JUST A TWO-FOOT SHOT STRAIGHT INTO THE HOLE.
OH, GAAHAAND!! I'VE BEEN BURIED ALIVE!!
THAT WON'T TERRIFY KIDS.
CAREFUL. HE CAN PULL YOU DOWN INTO THE GRAVE.

Me home, WOOOM.
DID YOU GET ME MY COFFEE??
I HAVEN’T HAD MY CAFFEINE THIS MORNING.
Of course me did. Me drove to cafe. Got it just like you like--lowfat cream, no sugar. Walked back to car. Unlocked car door.
SO WHERE IS IT?
Me left it on top of car and drove off.
GET ME ANOTHER COFFEE NOW.
You can problee still lick it off street.

WELCOME TO HEAVEN, RAT.
THIS IS HEAVEN? AND I MADE IT IN?
YEP. YOU DIED SUDDENLY. BUT YOU DID JUST ENOUGH GOOD THINGS TO GET IN.
GREAT…SO WHOA WHOA WHOA…WHAT IS MURRAY DOING HERE?!
HE MADE IT INTO HEAVEN ALSO.
BUT HE WAS A CO-WORKER OF MINE. AND HE WAS A JERK. I THOUGHT FOR SURE HE’D BE IN HELL.
WHOA WHOA WHOA…WE DON’T USE LANGUAGE LIKE THAT HERE.
YEAH. SO STOP BEING SUCH AN
DID YOU JUST CALL ME AN
YEAH. I CALLED YOU AN —
CRACK
HAPPY?
NOT YOU AGAIN.

HEY, PIG. WHERE WERE YOU TODAY?
HORSEBACK RIDING. ALL DAY.
WOW. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU KNEW HOW TO RIDE A HORSE. WHERE'D YOU GO?
MOSTLY IN BIG CIRCLES.
HE RODE A CAROUSEL.
I SEE.
BARKEEP!! GIMME A WHISKEY!!

WHATCHA WRITING, GOAT?
TEXT TO A BUDDY TELLING HIM HOW MUCH I LIKED THIS HISTORY BOOK ON GENERAL GEORGE McCLELLAN.
THAT'S GREAT... AND DO YOU KNOW WHY WE KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT McCLELLAN?
WHY?
BECAUSE HE SENT LETTERS!
THAT'S ONE BITTER MAILBOX.
McCLELLAN DID NOT SEND EMOTIS!!

HELLO, PIG. GOT ANY LETTERS TO SEND?
NO, MR. MAILBOX. NOBODY SENDS LETTERS ANYMORE. IT'S ALL JUST EMAILS AND TEXT MESSAGING.
GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD...
SHE'S THE GUILT-GIVING MOTHER OF MAILBOXES.
NO, IT'S OKAY. JUST LET ME LIE HERE AND DIE.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN SOMEONE LETS YOU DOWN? DO YOU TRY TO TALK TO THEM? TAKE THEM FOR A LONG WALK WHERE YOU LET THEM KNOW HOW YOU FEEL?

YEAH. LONG WALK. TO A LAKE.

WHY A LAKE?

FREDO. GODFATHER TWO.

OKAY. CONVERSATION OVER.

I KNOW IT WAS YOU, FREDO! YOU BROKE MY HEART!

HI, GUYS, CARE TO DONATE SOME CASH TO MY CONSERVATION EFFORTS? I'M ON THE ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST.
WHY IS THAT?
HEY, DUDE, THANKS FOR PASSING THE KETCHUP.
NO WORRIES.
YOU'RE WELCOME. YOU'RE WELCOME.
I WAS A PERFECTLY GOOD EXPRESSION!
CAN I BORROW SOME CASH FOR HIM?
NO WORRIES.

MY BUDDY EMANUEL IS MEETING US HERE TODAY. HE'S A HYGIENIST, BUT HE'S A BIT SENSITIVE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE HE JUST GOT FIRED FOR NOT CLEANING TEETH VERY WELL.
I HAVEN'T BEEN TO A DENTIST SINCE I GOT A GREAT NEW ELECTRIC TOOTH-BRUSH.
IT CLEANS TEETH WAY NEW.-?
IT CLEANS TEETH WAY BETTER THAN A MANUAL.
NOOOOO
HE DIDN'T MEAN IT.
DIDN'T MEAN WHAT?

WHHAAAAHH!
IF ALL OF LIFE WAS LIKE FLYING COACH!
I BASED IT ON PERSONAL EXPERIENCE.
HAVE SIX PEANUTS!

I'M STARTING TO THINK I MAY BE A PROPHET.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE I PREDICT THINGS AND THEN THEY HAPPEN. LIKE RIGHT NOW, I CAN SEE THAT SOMETHING BAD IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN TO PIG.
THAT DOES NOT CONSTITUTE A PROPHET.
UH-OH... SOMETHING BAD'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN TO YOU.

HEY, GOAT.
I'M HERE.
YOU'RE LATE.
I SAID I'D BE HERE AT TWO-ISH.
IT'S SIX O'CLOCK.
'ISH' BUYS YOU A LOT OF TIME.
NOT FOUR HOURS!
AN 'ISH' IS VERY FLEXIBLE.

DID YOU HEAR THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS CHANGING THE LABELS ON FOOD TO MAKE CERTAIN DIETARY INFO CLEARER?
REALLY?
YEAH...CHECK THE LABEL ON YOUR CINNAMON BUN.
"YOUR ARTERIES ARE CLOGGING FASTER THAN THE LINE AT THE FRONT DOOR OF A FAT GUYS' CONVENTION."
WELL, NOW THAT'S AN INTERESTING VISUAL.
MY PEOPLE HAVE THEIR OWN CONVENTION.

HOW'S IT GOING,
BIOLOGIST
BOB?
GOOD. BEEN DOING
A LOT OF GENETIC
RESEARCH ON CHIMPS.
IT'S HELPFUL 'CAUSE
AS A HUMAN, I SHARE
99% OF THEIR GENES.
LIES.
WHY DO
YOU SAY
THAT?
BECAUSE YOU COULD
NEVER FIT INTO THEIR
LITTLE PANTS.
YOU'RE
WHY
SCIENTISTS
ARE ANTI-
SOCIAL.
AND WHAT
MONKEY EVEN
WANTS YOUR
FRUMPY OLD
DAD JEANS?

HEY, RAT, WANT TO GO TO THE MOVIES WITH ME TODAY?
CAN'T. BUSY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
FINDING EVERYONE WHO ENDS THEIR SOCIAL MEDIA POSTS WITH "JUST SAYIN'" AND BEATING THEM OVER THE HEAD.
THAT'S GONNA BE A BUSY DAY.
HAHA, YEAH... JUST SAY
CRACK

OKAY, GOAT, TODAY IS THE DAY I TAKE PRECEDENCE OVER EVERYTHING ELSE IN YOUR LIFE.
AND WHY IS THAT?
PRECEDENCE DAY.
PRESIDENTS DAY.
OH, WHO WANTS TO CELEBRATE THEM?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I OPENED UP A SANDWICH SHOP. BUT THE NICE SIGN IS DEAD.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
I HIRED AN ELECTRICIAN. HE’S A DING DONG.
THE LITTLE SNACK CAKES?
YEP. AND I GOTTA GET BACK TO WORK.
HEY, DING DONG, HOW GOES IT?
I THINK I FOUND THE PROBLEM, PIG. I’M GONNA TURN IT ON IF IT’S STILL DEAD.
WELL?
DING DONG, THE ‘WICH’ IS DEAD!
I DROPPED A HOUSE ON HIM.

PRESIDENT RAT
I KNOW A LOT OF YOU DIDN'T THINK I'D BE A SERIOUS PRESIDENT. THAT I'D BE TOO DISTRACTED BY PETTY CONCERNS.
WELL, I'M NOT. IN MY FIRST 100 DAYS, I WILL TAKE ON ALL THE BIG ISSUES FACING THIS COUNTRY.
WHAT FIRST, SIR?
NO MORE PINEAPPLE ON PIZZA.
I SEE.
EATING IT WILL BE A FELONY.

HAVE YOU EVER READ "THE ROAD NOT TAKEN" BY ROBERT FROST? IT REALLY IS AN AMAZING POEM.
SURE. I KNOW THAT ONE.
TWO ROADS DIVERGED IN A WOOD AND I - I TOOK THE ONE LESS TRAVELED BY. AND MY CAR HIT A BIG G@#$%#$@ ROCK, AND I WAS STRANDED FOR SIX HOURS.
THAT'S NOT HOW IT ENDS.
OH, YEAH. THEN THERE'S THE TOW TRUCK.

HEY, PIG, WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO?
THE MOVIES. WANT TO GO WITH ME?
WHO, ME? LIL’ OL’ ME? I MEAN, I’D LOVE TO, IF YOU REALLY WANTED ME TO. BUT I’M SURE YOU DON’T REALLY WANT THAT.
IT’S FINE. JUST STOP BEING COY.
HOW RACIST.

THIS IDIOT CARTOONIST NAMED MATT WUERKER DID A CARTOON MAKING FUN OF ME. IS HE ALLOWED TO DO THAT?
YES, SIR. THAT'S HIS FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHT.
OH.
WHY?
Hey, @wuerker, @CIA coming over to punch U in face
NOT AN OPTION, SIR.
OH... WELL, CAN THE F.B.I. KICK HIM IN THE HOO-HA'S?

'LOVE IS LIKE MAYONNAISE'
'AT FIRST IT'S GOOD. THEN IT GOES BAD. MAKES YOU SICK.'
YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T WRITE YOUR OWN VALENTINE'S DAY CARDS.
It thought dat count.

HEY, RAT. IT’S ME, GOAT. HOW ARE YOU DOING?
I’M IN ATLANTA. I’M TRYING TO FIND THAT BAR YOU TOLD ME ABOUT.
YOU JUST TAKE PEACHTREE STREET TO PEACHTREE AVENUE, THEN MAKE A LEFT ON PEACHTREE DRIVE AND CROSS PEACHTREE WAY TIL YOU GET TO PEACHTREE CIRCLE AND IT’S RIGHT THERE ON PEACHTREE PLAZA.
SURELY THIS IS A CRUEL JOKE.
THEY LIKE THEIR PEACHES.

WHAT IF THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT OUR REAL GOVERNMENT?! WHAT IF THE MILITARY AND THE DEFENSE ESTABLISHMENT IS IN CHARGE?
AND WHAT IF THEIR GOAL IS TO KEEP US IN A PERPETUAL STATE OF FEAR SO THAT WE NEVER QUESTION THINGS AND WHAT IF A COMIC STRIP POINTED ALL THIS OUT?!
WOULD THEY LET THAT HAPPEN? OR WOULD WE BE REPLACED BY SOME HARMLESS AND SAPPI...
FASTER... FASTER...
I FEEL ALL WARM AND HAPPY WHEN I SEE MOMMY AND DADDY KISSING!