Pearls Before Swine | Search

PARDON ME, JEF THE CYCLIST, BUT I'M TRYING TO DRIVE MY CAR AND YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET.
TOUGH TURDS, PIG. THIS IS A CITY-DESIGNATED BIKE BOULEVARD NOW.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S A STREET WHERE CYCLISTS ARE GIVEN PRIORITY OVER CARS.
BUT YOU'RE HAVING A PICNIC.
AND THEN THEY MADE ME CUT UP THEIR APPLES.

DID YOU HEAR RAT IS NOW "EASILY OFFENDED GUY"?
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
HERE'S YOUR COFFEE, PIG. DO YOU WANT IT BLACK?
NO.
THINLY VEILED RACISM.
NOW YOU KNOW.
YOU WILL NOW BE UNEMPLOYABLE FOR LIFE!
WAIT. I ALREADY AM.

WHAT'S WITH THE GET-UP?
I AM NOW 'EASILY OFFENDED GUY.'
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
SAY SOMETHING.
AN APPLE IS RED.
RACIST CODE FOR NATIVE AMERICANS!
OH, THIS WILL BE FUN.
UN-OFFEND ME OR BE CONDEMNED.

HEY, GOAT, DOES THAT HANDY FRIEND OF YOURS KNOW HOW TO BUILD WINDOW SHUTTERS? PEOPLE CAN SEE RIGHT INTO MY GIRLFRIEND PIGITA'S SHOWER.
YEP. THAT'S RIGHT WITHIN HIS PURVIEW.
CRACK
I DIDN'T SAY 'PERV VIEW.'
OH, YES YOU DID.

Hi. Me looking for small
aneemal. You look gud.
Jump een mout.
OH. GEE NO,
THANKS... I
DON'T WANT
TO DIE.
DANG!
DANG!
DANG!
DON'T BE FRUSTRATED.
I'M SURE YOU CAN
HUNT SOMETHING.
No.
Me got
book.
WELL. MAYBE YOU CAN
JUST GO BUY A BURGER.
THAT'S A DEAD ANIMAL.
Oh. Gud
idea. But
me got no
monies.
HERE YOU GO... DON'T
BE DOWN. I'M SURE
YOU'RE QUITE FIERCE.
Yeah.
GRRRR
WORST NATURE
DOCUMENTARY
EVER.
I TOLD HIM TO
AVOID THAT
CAMERA CREW.

IF THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE WERE WRITTEN TODAY.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.
Just sayin'.
IT REALLY IS A STUPID EXPRESSION.
LIKE YOUR PUNS.
JUST SAYIN'.

WELL, I'M OFF TO TAKE A COUPLE TESTS FOR A JOB I WANT TO GET.
HANG ON PIG. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET ED. WE'RE BESTIES.
BESTIES?
YEAH. I'M HIS BEST FRIEND, AND HE'S MINE. AND TOGETHER, TWO BESTS MAKE BESTIES. SO WHAT DID YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING TO DO?
TAKE A COUPLE OF... TESTIES.
OKAY, WHO STARTED THIS?
NOT ME.
I CAN'T MENTION MY TWO TESTIES?

WELL, RAT, I'M AFRAID I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS. I'VE LOOKED AT YOUR ULTRASOUND AND YOUR CT SCAN AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE KIDNEY STONES.
WRONG. FAKE NEWS. YOU FAIL. SAD!
HAS THE WORLD CHANGED OR IS IT ME?

HOW ARE WE TODAY, SIR?
SAD. THE PRESS IS STILL SAYING MEAN THINGS ABOUT ME.
WELL, THAT'S THEIR FIRST AMENDMENT PRIVILEGE. IT'S RIGHT THERE IN THE BILL OF RIGHTS.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID I HAD THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES BRING ME THE ACTUAL DOCUMENT.
AND I CROSSED THAT PART OUT.
OH, LORD.
NOW IT JUST LOOKS LIKE A BIG FOUNDING FATHER BOO-BOO.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, RAT?
I DON'T FEEL LIKE TALKING ABOUT IT.
WHAT'S WITH THE PASTA?
PENNE FOR YOUR THOUGHTS.
YOU DID NOT IMPROVE HIS MOOD.

RAT SENT US A POSTCARD FROM HIS HAWAIIAN VACATION.
OH, MAN...I WISH I COULD HAVE GONE THERE...
WHAT'S IT SAY?
ME
YOU
VACATIONING FRIENDS ARE THE WORST.

MY NEW GIRLFRIEND. SHE TOLD A JOKE AND I'M JUST SAYING 'HA.'
'HA' ISN'T A LAUGH. IT'S A RETORT.
WHAT ABOUT 'HAHA'?
SARCASTIC LAUGH.
'HAHAHA!'
MILDY AMUSED.
'HAHAHAHA!'
ACTUAL LAUGH.
HAHAHAHA
YOU JUST SENT A TEXT WITH FIVE OR MORE HA'S.
SO?
SO NOW YOU LOOK DRUNK.
MAYBE I'LL JUST THROW MY PHONE IN A RIVER.
Excuse me. But are you drunk?

HEY, GOAT, YOU DATING ANYONE?
YEAH. THIS GIRL I MET. PARALEGAL.
HE'S DATING SOMEONE WHO'S BARELY LEGAL.
PARALEGAL!

ONCE WHEN I WAS A KID, MY DAD MADE ME GET HIM ICE CREAM IN THE MIDDLE OF "HAPPY DAYS" AND I MISSED FONZIE SAVING PINKY TUSCADARO IN THE DEMOLITION DERBY.
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST BACK UP THE D.V.R.?
DIDN'T EXIST.
D.V.D.? NOPE. IPHONE?...NOPE. NETFLIX?...NOPE. INTERNET?,,..NOPE. V.C.R.?...NOPE.
GOOD GOD, HOW OLD ARE YOU?
I'M NOT THAT OLD!
ARE YOU ONE OF THE LAST SURVIVORS FROM THAT ERA?

RAT THE AIRLINE GATE AGENT
FOLKS, I'M AFRAID TODAYS FLIGHT IS OVERSOLD.
THE GOOD NEWS, THOUGH, IS THAT WE'RE FLYING TO TOKYO, WHERE THEY SOMETIMES USE LONG STICKS TO CRAM HUMANS INTO SUBWAY CARS.
AND, WELL, I'M SURE YOU SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING.
LET'S NOT TELL THE FAA ABOUT THIS.
OOF
OH, GOD.
SEE, YOU ALL FIT NOW.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I WAS TRYING TO REACH YOU ALL DAY.
SORRY. MY PHONE DIED.
BOOHOOHOO
HIS POOR FAMILY.

RAT THE AIRLINE GATE AGENT
FOLKS. I'M GETTING A LOT OF QUESTIONS ABOUT BAGGAGE POLICY, IN-FLIGHT MEALS, AND WIFI. SO I'M GONNA TRY TO ANSWER EVERYBODY'S QUESTIONS AT ONCE.
IN EACH OF THESE SITUATIONS, THERE IS ONE OPTION THAT MAKES YOUR FLIGHT MORE PLEASANT.
WE WILL NEVER CHOOSE THAT OPTION.
IT'S NICE TO GIVE THE CATTLE SOME CLARITY.

WHAT ARE YOU MAKING, PIG?
I'M DESIGNING MY OWN LABELS FOR THIS SODA POP. THIS ONE'S CALLED 'ASTRO POP' BECAUSE IT HAS THE MOON AND THE STARS AND THE PLANETS.
IT WOULD PROBABLY BE A LITTLE MORE EYE-CATCHING IF ALL THE OBJECTS WERE A BIT MORE SHINY.
OH. OKAY.
AND WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
I'M JUST MAKING THE MOON SHINE.
HE MUST REALLY HATE SODA POP.

HEY, CIVIL GUARD DUCK. SHOULDN'T YOU BE AT A MILITARY BASE?
I GOT BORED SO I FLED. NOW I'M ABSENT WITHOUT LEAVE.
YOU'RE AWOL?
YEP. BUT I'M HANDY, SO I THOUGHT I'D BUILD A NICE BUNKER THAT THE ARMY CAN LATER USE. THAT WAY, IF THEY CATCH ME, THEY MIGHT GO EASY ON ME.
BUT HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET THE MONEY FOR THAT?
MY FRIEND MACK HERE IS GONNA HELP.
WELL NOT ME, EXACTLY. BUT MY SICKO FRIEND. HE'S GOT A LOT OF CASH.
I GUESS AWOL AND MACK'S SICKO IS GONNA PAY FOR IT.
WHAT'S GUARD DUCK DOING?
I CAN'T GET OUT.
I KNOW.

AND HERE'S A PICTURE OF MY CAT. AND HERE'S ANOTHER. AND LOOK HOW CUTE SHE IS IN THIS ONE. DO YOU HAVE ANY ANIMALS?
YEAH. JUST A PEEVE.
A PEEVE?
A PET PEEVE. ABOUT PEOPLE SHOWING ME ALL THEIR CAT PHOTOS.
CAT LOVERS CAN BE VERY SENSITIVE.

ELFIE SHELFIE SELFIE.
PLEASE FIND OTHER EMPLOYMENT.

FOLKS, WE HAVE AN OVERSOLD FLIGHT TODAY, SO WE'RE GONNA START ASKING FOR VOLUNTEERS WILLING TO GIVE UP THEIR SEATS.
AS WE HAVE NO VOLUNTEERS, I WILL NOW RESORT TO A TECHNIQUE I CALL THE 'UNFRIENDLY SKIES.'
HE ENJOYS THIS JOB TOO MUCH.
FEEL LIKE VOLUNTEERING NOW?

LOOK HOW MUCH THESE GUYS LOOK LIKE EACH OTHER. IT’S UNCANNY.
I’M SORRY, PIG. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WORD MEANS?
HA HA. OF COURSE.
USE IT IN A SENTENCE.
I PREFER BEER IN BOTTLES BECAUSE IT TASTES UNCANNY.
UH. NO.
YOU PREFER BEER IN CANS?

HI, FOLKS, WE'RE GONNA START THE BOARDING PROCESS WITH FIRST CLASS. WELCOME ABOARD!
NEXT WILL BE OUR GOLD PREMIERE MEMBERS AND BUSINESS PLATINUM SELECT. WELCOME ABOARD!
OKAY, NOW THE REST OF YOU SCUM.
TECHNICALLY, THEY'RE STILL PEOPLE.
MOOOOO, CATTLE, MOOOOOO.

RATS AT A JOB PLACEMENT AGENCY TODAY... THEY’RE TRYING TO PLACE HIM SOMEWHERE THAT’S SUITED TO HIS SKILL SET.
WHAT DID HE TELL THEM HIS WAS?
BEING HOSTILE AND RUDE AND TREATING PEOPLE HOWEVER HE WANTS. PARTICULARLY WHEN THEY’RE HELPLESS AND TRAPPED.
BUT WHAT INDUSTRY WOULD WANT THAT?
WELCOME TO OUR AIRLINE.
SO IF WE’RE OVERSOLD, CAN I PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE?