Pearls Before Swine | Search

I'M STARTING TO REALIZE THAT IN
LIFE, IT'S NOT ABOUT MAKING YOUR-
SELF HAPPY... IT'S ABOUT MAKING
OTHERS HAPPY. THAT IS THE TRUE
ROAD TO JOY AND CONTENTMENT.
HEY! HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I HAD HIM COMMITTED.

PSST
PSST
PSST
WHO IS THAT?
JUST A GUY HIDING IN THE SEWER... HEY, LISTEN. DO YOU KNOW WHO WON THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION?
YEAH, IT WAS—
OH GOD, DON'T TELL ME. I'LL JUST STAY DOWN HERE WHERE I FEEL SAFE.
THIS IS A VERY DIVIDED COUNTRY.

WHERE WERE YOU TODAY, PIG?
BUILDING MY "HOPE FOR THE FUTURE" BOOTH, A WELCOMING SPACE FOR PEOPLE TO GATHER AND HAVE HOPE FOR WHAT THE FUTURE BRINGS.
GREAT. WHY AREN'T YOU THERE NOW?
IT BURNED DOWN.
I'M TRYING NOT TO READ TOO MUCH INTO IT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPINESS IS?
HAPPINESS IS THAT SHORT LITTLE MOMENT OF JOY RIGHT BEFORE YOU THINK DISASTER IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER.
THAT'S VERY FLEETING.
IT'S REALLY JUST A PLOT TO GET YOUR GUARD DOWN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
TAKING A STAND. I JUST CAN'T LET THE WHOLE WORLD BE RUINED ANYMORE.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU. WE ALL NEED TO START GETTING INVOLVED.
IN FACT, I THINK THE REASON WE HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS TODAY IS THAT PEOPLE JUST DON'T PARTICIPATE IN THE SYSTEM ANYMORE. THEY LET OTHER PEOPLE MAKE THE SIGNS AND GO TO THE RALLIES AND NEVER MAKE THEIR OWN VOICES HEARD.
AND WHAT BETTER ISSUE TO TAKE A STAND ON THAN THE ENVIRONMENT?
THE ENVIRONMENT?
SAVE OUR PLANET STOP GLOBAL WHINING
I TAKE IT BACK.
I'M SAVING OUR WORLD!
GOATS A GLOBAL WHINING DENIER.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
A USED CLOCK I JUST BOUGHT.
HOW DOES IT WORK?
THE MAN'S HEAD INDICATES THE HOUR. HIS RIGHT HAND INDICATES THE MINUTE. AND HIS OTHER HAND INDICATES THE SECONDS, BUT IT BROKE.
WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM A SECONDHAND SECOND HAND SECOND HAND?
SURELY YOU CAN RETURN TO YOUR LAW CAREER.

I HEARD YOU JUST GOT BACK FROM YOUR TRIP OVERSEAS. HOW ARE THINGS?
TERRIBLE. I GOT REALLY SICK AND HAD TO GO TO A HOSPITAL WHERE THEY MADE ME WAIT EIGHT HOURS IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM.
THAT'S ONE OF THE RISKS OF TRAVELING IN POOR OVERSEAS COUNTRIES. YOU NEVER KNOW THE STATE OF THEIR EMERGENCY FACILITIES.
THAT HAPPENED HERE.
YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO GET SICK HERE.
I'M AVOIDING IT FROM NOW ON.

Dear Beloved Friend,
I know this message will come to you as surprised. I am prince in Nigeria. There are great sums in U.S. America bank. I am here seeking avenue transfer funds to you.
WHY DO SCAMMERS STILL BOTHER TO SEND THESE POORLY WORDED, OBVIOUSLY FRAUDULENT EMAILS?
MUST BE GUYS WHO DON'T KNOW HOW STUPID THEY SOUND.
Why no one answer?

Bummer, bro!
Yo. $#&% happens.
Better luck next time!
IT'S HARD TO WRITE A GOOD SYMPATHY CARD.

HI, PIG. WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO AN EXCITING NEW TAPAS BAR WITH ME.?
YOU LITTLE TRAMP. WE SHALL NEVER DATE AGAIN.
I THOUGHT SHE SAID 'TOPLESS.'

I ALMOST GOT BACK MY OLD JOB AT THE CAFE, BUT MY BOSS WANTED ME AT WORK BY 5:30 A.M.
SO?
SO GETTING UP BEFORE 6:00 A.M. IS A CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY.
SOME PEOPLE JUST CALL THAT BEING DILIGENT.
I'M THINKING OF REPORTING HIM TO THE HAGUE.

I AM GOING TO BE FOCUSED THIS MORNING. I AM GOING TO GET MY WORK DONE.
I WILL JUST QUICKLY CHECK MY FACEBOOK NEWS FEED.
HAHA... LOOK AT THAT LIL' BABY SINGING... IS THAT REAL?
HAHA... A MONKEY PLAYING WITH A KITTEN... NOW THAT'S FUNNY.
IS THAT KID REALLY GONNA JUMP OFF HIS ROOF? WHOA.
AWW... A RETURNING SOLDIER SURPRISING HIS DAUGHTER... I LOVE THESE.
I FIGURED OUT HOW TO INCREASE MY PRODUCTIVITY.

I'M GOING TO THE OPERA TONIGHT.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN OPERA AND A MUSICAL?
AN OPERA IS MORE POMPOUS AND BORING.
NO.
OH, AND THE PERFORMERS MUST BE OBESE.

COUNSELOR, I OBJECT TO YOUR CHARACTERIZATION OF THE EVIDENCE.
OUTRAGEOUS. THIS ENTIRE LINE OF QUESTIONING IS OFFENSIVE.
OFFENSIVE? MR. COURT REPORTER, PLEASE READ THE LAST FEW MINUTES BACK TO ME.
"THE TWO @$$#%*!S ARE ARGUING!"
... AND THEN THEY FIRED ME.

I hear you got a new job.
Yeah. As a court reporter.
Why’d you want to do that?
Because my goal in life is to spend as much time around lawyers as possible.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
But seriously, I’m desperate.

WHAT DAY OF THE WEEK DO PEOPLE LIKE TO CALL HUMP DAY?
ANSWER THAT QUESTION WISELY OR I'LL BAN THIS STRIP IN UTAH, THE DEEP SOUTH, THE BIBLE BELT, AND ALL OF AMISH COUNTRY.
YOU CAN'T SAY "WEDNESDAY" IN AMISH COUNTRY?
AREN'T YOU CUTE?
FIRST THEY GROW THE FUNNY BEARDS, THEN THEY BAN "WEDNESDAY"

I'M TIRED OF FAILING AT EVERYTHING I TRY.
WELL, CHANGE THAT.
HOW?
STOP TRYING.
YOU SHOULD REALLY BE A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER.
I KNOW.
TRYING IS FOR LOSERS!

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE KEY TO HAVING A SUCCESSFUL CAREER?
TO FIND WHAT YOU LOVE TO DO, AND FIGURE OUT A WAY TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.
I LOVE GETTING DRUNK. TO MAKE IT HAPPEN, I OPEN MY MOUTH.
LET ME RE-WORD THAT.
I'M A HUGE Success!!

WELL, YOU SURE LOOK DEPRESSED
SORRY. IT'S JUST MY JOB
WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT
OH, THE USUAL. PETTY BOSS. REPETITIVE WORK. LOW PAY
BUT LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO PUT UP WITH A JOB LIKE THAT. YOU NEED MORE OUT OF LIFE
I KNOW
YOU NEED TO CHALLENGE YOURSELF. REACH FOR SOMETHING MORE. REACH FOR THE STARS
REACH FOR THE SKY
OH GOD
NEVER TRY TO INSPIRE A BANKER

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, TONIGHT?
I'M GONNA GET INTO MY WARM BED AND READ THIS NEW BOOK I GOT FOR CHRISTMAS.
OR INSTEAD OF DOING THAT, I MIGHT GO OUT IN THE COLD AND STAY UP LATE WITH STRANGERS WHO ARE FIGHTING AND THROWING UP SO I CAN STARE AT THE CLOCK AT 11:59 P.M. AND PRETEND THAT MIDNIGHT CHANGES EVERYTHING.
YOU LEFT OUT THE FUNNY GLASSES.
OH, LOOK, IT'S BEDTIME.

HEY, RAT. I'M HOME.
WHERE WERE YOU?
BIG SALE. THE COUNTY WAS SELLING ALL THEIR SURPLUS CLOTHING.
OH, YEAH? WHICH COUNTY DEPARTMENT?
I'M NOT SURE.

GOALS FOR THE UPCOMING YEAR:
Sleep in more.
Remain fat.
IT'S IMPORTANT TO SET REALISTIC GOALS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LARRY?
Comparing da Google to God.
Dis wutuh me have so far.
Look Down on yoo from above
Geey yoo direkshun
See all dirty tings yoo search for
SO IT'S A TIE?
No
Can make driverless cars programted keel Larry
NO.
GOD IS NOT ALL-POWERFUL, LARRY.
No blasfeem da Google, woomun!

Whuh you doing, Larry?
Da Google making driverless cars programed keel Larry. So Larry secretly build wall protect self.
How you keep it secret?
Me not know, Bob. Mebbe me should Google dat and--
You juss blow cover, Larry.
You no can hide nutting from da Google, Bob.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DAD?
Me building wall protect myself against da Google.
GOOGLE?
Yeah. Dey making driverless cars. Me pretty sure dey gonna program dem to run over Larry.
WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?
Becuss me never pay attenshun to dere leetle ads.
THEY PROBABLY WON'T KILL YOU FOR THAT.
Never trust da Google, son.