Pearls Before Swine | Search

I'VE DEVELOPED A NEW THEOREM- TWO WORRIES MAKE A NON-WORRY!
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
WELL, FOR EXAMPLE, YOU CAN WORRY ABOUT HOW MUCH MONEY YOU HAVE IN LIFE, OR YOU CAN WORRY ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING. BUT YOU CAN'T WORRY ABOUT BOTH, 'CAUSE SOON GLOBAL WARMING WILL END ALL LIFE.
WOO HOO!
OH...HOW COMFORTING.
COAL-BURNING BARBECUE AT MY HOUSE!

WHAT KIND OF HELP ARE YOU OFFERING?
NONE. I'M CRYING OUT FOR IT.
I'LL WAIT HERE WITH YOU.

WHAT DO
YOU HAVE
THERE,
RAT?
NEW APP I DEVELOPED. IF
YOU USE STUPID BUSINESS
MEETING JARGON, THE EARTH
OPENS UP AND SWALLOWS
YOU WHOLE.
WHAT
JARGON?
WELL, I HAVE
A "NEW APP."
WE'LL CIRCLE
BACK TO THAT.
"GAME CHANGER."
"EMPOWER"...
AN APP
LIKE THAT
HAS REAL
SYNERGISTIC
POSSIBILITIES.
OHGAHHND
THAT ONE, TOO.

HEY, RAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, EUGENE.
HE'S A JOURNALIST.
OH YEAH, YOU'RE THE PEOPLE WHO KEEP
TRYING TO INFORM ME. BUT I NEVER
SEEM TO CARE, SO SLOWLY YOUR SPIRIT
IS BEING BROKEN AND CRUSHED.
AAAUUGHH!!
DUDE, JUST
QUIT AND
WRITE
ROMANCE
NOVELS.
BUT WE
DON'T
READ
BOOKS
EITHER.

PIG GOT ONE OF THOSE THERAPY DOGS.
THAT'S GREAT... SO ONE OF THOSE DOGS THAT ARE TRAINED TO PROVIDE COMFORT AND AFFECTION?
SORT OF.
SO TELL ME ABOUT YOUR MOTHER.

I feel so lonely all the time.
I do too.
At least we have social media.
Yeah, in such a cold world, it's given me real hope.
Right, like we have a community.
Yeah, instead of always being surrounded by strangers.
Right. Like at the cafe I go to. No one even talks to me.
Mine too.
Same as mine.
Guys...
Are we all at the same cafe?

WENT TO A FANCY DINNER LAST NIGHT. HAD TO GO THROUGH ALL THE USUAL NICETIES.
SEATTLE? CHICAGO? AUSTIN?
WHAT-?
THE NICE CITIES.
NO.
WHAT? YOU DON'T LIKE AUSTIN?

HEY, PROFESSOR BOB. WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?
CORE THEORY: THE PHYSICS EQUATION THAT EXPLAINS ALL OF LIFE.
SIMPLER VERSION.
ME + BEER =

THANKS FOR COMING OVER TO MY PLACE FOR DINNER, PIGITA. LET ME JUST GET SOME UTENSILS.
WELL, ACTUALLY, PIG. I CAME OVER TO BREAK UP WITH YOU. I FEEL LIKE I CONTRIBUTE A LOT TO OUR RELATIONSHIP AND I'M NOT QUITE SURE WHAT YOU BRING TO THE TABLE.
A FORK AND SPOON.
NO.
WOULD YOU PREFER A SPORK?

RAT GETS CALLED FOR JURY DUTY
AND DO YOU ALL THINK YOU CAN BE FAIR AND IMPARTIAL JURORS IN THIS CRIMINAL TRIAL?
NO. I THINK THE MAN IS SCUM AND THAT HE'S MOST LIKELY GUILTY OF SOMETHING.
WHO?
THE GUY IN THE BLUE THERE.
THAT'S THE LAWYER.
OH.
SIR, I THINK YOU'RE DISMISSED.
NOW THE GUY IN THE ORANGE JUMPSUIT AND CHAINS SEEMS NICE.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
I GOT A SUMMONS FOR JURY DUTY. BUT I DON'T WANT TO DO JURY DUTY. DO I HAVE TO GO?
OF COURSE. UNLESS YOU HAVE SOME VALID MEDICAL REASON WHY YOU CAN'T.
LAWYERS MAKE ME SICK.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, PIG?
SHHH. IT'S MAGIC TIME WITH MAGICTOON.
FIRST THING I DO IS UNLIMITED CASH FOR ALL THE SUPER-PACS.
AND THEN I ADD A SUPREME COURT THAT SAYS IT'S ALL OKAY, AND SOME REDRAWN HOUSE DISTRICTS SO THAT ELECTED OFFICIALS RARELY LOSE ELECTIONS... AND POOF!
YOUR DEMOCRACY IS GONE!
YAAAY! YAAAY! DO IT AGAIN!!
UH.. CAN YOU MAKE IT REAPPEAR??
HEY LOOK, IT'S A LOBBYIST!

I'M TIRED OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS.

WHY DOES ANYONE GET TO TELL ME WHAT WORDS ARE ACCEPTABLE AND WHAT WORDS ARE OFF LIMITS?
I'M AN AMERICAN. I CAN SAY ANYTHING I WANT.
JUST A WORD OF WARNING HERE, RAT. PEOPLE WHO LOSE THEIR JOBS, THEIR SECURITY -- EVERYTHING -- FOR SAYING THE WRONG WORD.
I DON'T CARE. I'M GONNA DO IT.
RAT, PLEASE, WE'RE IN NEWSPAPERS. WE HAVE TO --
STEWARDESS!
STEWARDESS!
STEWARDESS!
HAPPY NOW?
THAT WAS LIBERATING.
THIS MAN'S AN AMERICAN HERO!
UH, WHY ARE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS E-MAILING ME?

EVERYONE STRIVES TO BE
THE GREATEST IN THE
WORLD AT SOMETHING.
THAT'S TOO HARD.
THE KEY IS TO
DEFINE YOUR
WORLD ON SMALLER
TERMS AND
BE THE GREATEST
THERE.
LIKE YOUR
CITY
OR
COUNTY?
LIKE RATOPIA, WHERE I
DOMINATE.
YOU SEEM LIKE A
REAL NOBODY.

MY DREAMS NEVER SEEM TO COME TRUE.
THAT'S GOOD.
WHY IS THAT GOOD?
BECAUSE IF THEY DO COME TRUE AND YOU'RE STILL NOT HAPPY, YOU'RE SCREWED.
SO MY MISERABLE LIFE IS A BLESSING.
YES. THIS WAY THERE'S STILL HOPE.

I'VE REALLY HAD A STRING OF BAD LUCK LATELY.
WELL, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
YES, AND THAT REASON IS THAT LIFE IS FICKLE AND CRUEL.
LET'S START OVER.
AND IT BETTER STOP PICKING ON ME!!!

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING ?
A STRIP SO GOOD THAT PEOPLE WILL PUT IT ON THEIR FRIDGE. IT'S THE ULTIMATE HONOR FOR A COMIC STRIP.
CAN I TRY ?
SURE.
GROCERY LIST
IT'S YOUR ONLY HOPE.
HEY! PLEASE DON'T WRITE "BAKED BEANS ON MY COMIC!

HAPPY ANNIV-ERSARY, PATTY! WHAT DID LARRY GET YOU?
I'M WAITING TO SEE.
YEAH... GIFTS CAN REALLY SHOW HOW MUCH A SPOUSE PAYS ATTENTION TO WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU NEED.
Here is basketball shoe. In case you play basketball.
BEING SINGLE IS ALWAYS AN OPTION.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TRYING TO SHOVE THIS SUCKER IN MY EYE.
WHY?
TO SEE WHAT THEY MEAN BY 'EYE CANDY'.
PIG...
DON'T STOP HIM.
OW! I CAN'T SEE.

JOJO JUNIOR PACKED FOR COLLEGE.
Well, goodbye, Mom.
Goodbye, Dad.
Oh, son, we'll miss you so much.
We love you, son.
Love you.
BYE, LOVE YOU.
Shoot. Left my favorite pillow in my bedroom.
Hi, I--
Home office now.
Sold your crap.
THIS IS YOUR "CONGRATS ON GRADUATING" CARD?
YOU GOTTA SEND THE KID A MESSAGE.
WHY HAVEN'T THEY CHANGED THE LOCKS YET?

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, RAT?
A GRATITUDE LIST. YOU WRITE DOWN ALL THE THINGS YOU'RE GRATEFUL FOR. IT'S SUPPOSED TO HELP YOU ACHIEVE SOME SORT OF INNER PEACE.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. WHAT DO YOU HAVE SO FAR?
"I'M GRATEFUL THAT I'M NOT GOAT."
NEVER MIND.
IT'S AMAZING HOW MUCH PEACE IT'S GIVEN ME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I GOT A JOB MAKING WEDDING CAKES. THIS ONE'S FOR A YOUNG COUPLE GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW.
THAT CAN'T BE A GOOD SIGN.

HI, RAT. I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN CHURCH LATELY. I FEAR YOU'VE TURNED FROM THE MORAL TEACHINGS OF THE CHURCH TO THAT OF THE LIMBO DANCE.
THE LIMBO DANCE?
HOW LOW CAN YOU GO :)
WE HAVE A VERY SARCASTIC PRIEST.

YOU'RE HAVING FRIED CHICKEN AND ICE CREAM AND BEER. YOU'RE GONNA CUT TEN YEARS OFF YOUR LIFE.
ARE THOSE THE TEN YEARS WHEN YOU'RE ALL BY YOURSELF AND EVERYTHING HURTS AND NOBODY VISITS YOU? :)
LONGEVITY IS FOR SUCKERS.

HEY, ROWLAND, THANKS FOR COMING OVER AND WATCHING BASEBALL WITH ME.
IS RALEIGH STILL BEHIND?
NOPE. THEY CAME BACK TO SCORE SEVEN AND TAKE THE LEAD IN THE NINTH.
REALLY?
REALLY, ROWLIE, A RALEIGH RALLY.
REALLY?